


When it gets complicated

by Meggs13



Category: Big Bang (Band), EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Fraternity, BDSM, Bakery and Coffee Shop, Biting, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Broken Families, Choking, Daddy Kink, Declarations Of Love, Dom/sub Undertones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone is an idiot, Fluff, Football | Soccer, Friends With Benefits, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Japanese Rope Bondage, Jealousy, Light Stalking, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Marking, Master/Pet, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Multiple Personalities, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past hurt, Power Play, Rough Sex, Sex Toys, Shibari, Slut Shaming, Spanking, are you even still reading these?, artist Sehun, brojobs, eventually, except luhan, just kidding, let’s just start off with that., lots of jealousy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-05 20:31:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 227,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13395678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meggs13/pseuds/Meggs13
Summary: What happens when twelve boys try to find the balance between school, jobs, and even their love lives, while still trying to live life to the fullest? Well that's when it gets complicated!





	1. Prologue

"He's my best friend, best friends don't think about each other like that! Why would he like a dork like me anyways?" -Chanyeol 

"I love him, but I don't know where his head is at, does he even like guys? Well I guess he does... But what if he only sees me a his goofy, puppy like best friend?"  
-Baekhyun 

"I love him, I love everything about him, from the way he looks, to the way he smells, even to that cute way his eyebrows furrow and his lips pucker when he gets confused... but he'll never love me, I'm just a nerd who no one notices... why would he be any different?"  
-Kyungsoo

"He's so beautiful, so innocent, I just want too hold him in my arms and protect him from the whole world, but how can I do that when the thing I need to protect him from the most is myself?"  
-Jongin 

"He amazing, I love the way I feel when I'm with him, i can't get him out of my head, but I can't love him. I'm a dude, dudes don't like other dudes! I'm straight, and straight guys don't fall in love with their friends... right?"  
-Luhan

"He's perfect, he's beautiful, smart, funny, and everything I want... but he doesn't want me. My own parents didn't want me... so why would he?"  
-Sehun

"I can't stay away from him, no matter how many times I seem to be finally letting go, I'm watching him again, observing, obsessing and falling deeper and deeper for him. It's like a drug to me... but there's no harm done if I keep my distance, if I leave him be, just to exist in my fantasies... right?"  
-Lay

"He fascinates me, everything about him... the way he speaks, the way his eyes light up when I speak, and even the way his body moves with every muscle in perfect sync... I think I could really fall for him, but he's too innocent, he's too pure... I can't let him be tainted by me, but I can have a small taste first without staining him, can't I?"  
-Junmyeon 

"I loved someone once, but I never told him, and I lost him... I don't want to ever feel that pain again, and I'm perfectly content to never love again... so why does my heart beat so fast when he says my name?"  
-Minseok 

"I love his laugh, even though he doesn't laugh often... he keeps pushing me away, I know he's hiding something, but I can't seem to break past his barriers. I'm starting to lose hope... will he ever let me into his heart?"  
-Jongdae

"I love him, he's my everything, I see a happy future with him... or at least I use to... he doesn't seem to want me anymore... Is it just because of stress, like he says? ... or is he slipping away from me?"  
-Tao

"I love him, he's everything to me, I imagine a happy future together, even though we seem to be losing touch of each other recently, I know we'll pull through... I mean a little distance won't break us, right?"  
-Kris


	2. Stupid sweater (Chanbaek)

~Chanyeol~

A loud and breathy yawn leaves my mouth as I shuffle into the kitchen, my feet barley leaving the ground as I make my way to the cabinet. My first class is in forty minutes, so that leaves me just enough time for a quick bowl of cereal and a shower.

I open the cabinet and slide my favorite box of cereal off the shelf. I'm about to grab a bowl from the other cabinet when I realize that my box seems to be lighter than it should be. I shake the box and a light sound registers from inside. My eyebrows bunch together as I turn the box around, then a sigh of frustration leaves my lips when I find a large hole on the bottom corner.

"Damn it, Baek" I yell and stomp out of the kitchen towards the offenders room.

I don't bother knocking, Baekhyun and I have been friends since we were children. We grew up together and have been with each other through everything. We're basically brothers, so privacy between us isn't really required.

"Baek" I yell as I throw the door open, letting it bang against the wall to emphasis my anger "I told you to quit leaving food out because it would attract ants and mice, but you wouldn't listen to me, and now look... the little bastards ate all of my captain crunch"

Baekhyun groans from the tightly wrapped blanket cocoon he's in, actually it would be kind of be adorable if I wasn't so pissed right now "don't get your panties in a twist Yeol, I'll buy you a new box and don't call them bastards, they have names"

I blink a few times at this new information "Baek, I swear..."

"Calm down, it was only a joke, I'm not that weird" Baekhyun defends.

I raise an eyebrow, but choose not to get into that fight this early "Well fine, but what am I going to do for breakfast now?" I growl.

Baekhyun sighs "fine, you giant pain in my ass, I'll buy you breakfast, happy?"

I lean back against his doorframe and weigh my options, I could either guilt trip the crap out of Baek for the next week and have him make up for it in a major way, or I can let it go and take the free breakfast. My stomach suddenly growls making my brain aware of which option it is in favor of.

I sigh "fine, but I have class in about a half an hour, so hurry"

Baekhyun rolls over on his bed and groans again "why did you have to take a damn early class this semester?"

"Because it's the only time the class is offered and I really wanted to take it... seriously Baek we've had this discussion before, and I don't have a lot of time" I grumble.

"Fine, fine... Jesus who pissed in your coffee this morning?" Baek grumbles back at me.

I'm about to reply with something equally sarcastic when Baekhyun suddenly throws his blankets off of him and my words evaporate from my mouth seemingly with all of the moisture. My eyes widen and my stomach clenches like I have just received a fist to the area.

Baekhyun sits up on the edge of his bed with his legs adorned by pink knee socks, tucked under him, cutely rubbing the sleep from his eyes. A normal scene that I have seen a hundred times before, but what nearly knocks me over and leaves me breathless is the way that Baekhyun looks in an oversized university hoodie, my oversized university hoodie to be exact.

I find myself racking my gaze down his body, noticing the way the collar of the hoodie has slipped over one shoulder exposing the tight and milky skin all the way across. His collar bone sticks out, displaying deep dips that I just wanted to sink my teeth int.... wait what? Chanyeol what is wrong with you? Baekhyun is your best friend, you don't think about your best friends like that' I chide myself for thinking those thoughts.

"Chanyeol?" Baekhyun questions me like he's been trying to gain my attention for a while "are you ok?"

I shake my head and turn away from him, trying to regain my breath "I'm fine, I'll just grab something on the way to class"

"Are you sure? it won't take me long to get dressed" Baek offers, and I can hear the apologetic frown in his voice.

I sigh "it's fine, I'll text you later, maybe we can get lunch before our next classes"

"Oh ok" Baekhyun says, not even trying to hide the fact that he's pouting "I'll see you later then"

I grunt in response and nearly run to my room, hastily grabbing all of my things and rushing out of the front door, not even bothering with a shower, and receiving a couple of weird looks from the other guys.

I take in a large breath of air and double over, grasping at my knees once my feet hit the sidewalk outside our fraternity house. This has been happening a lot lately, and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. But I guess being in love with your best friend isn't something that's suppose to be easy, actually it's probably meant to be so difficult because it's wrong. Baek has been with me through everything, and I pay him back by making things difficult on him and developing feelings that he can't return.

"Baekhyun again?" A voice filters into my ears as the blood rushing through my veins has calmed down.

I stand up straight and spin around to see my next best friend besides Baekhyun, Do Kyungsoo standing behind me, giving me a concerned expression. He's known about how I feel towards Baek since our senior year of high school. I've spent many of hours with my head pressed against Kyungsoo's shoulder, while spilling my heart out to him. Honesty I feel that he's the only one who understands because he's been in love with our fraternity brother, Jongin since last year when we were freshmen, even though Jongin barley knows that Kyungsoo exists.

I nod and sigh "I swear Soo, it's getting worse and worse everyday. What's wrong with me? I nearly eye raped him just a few minutes ago"

Kyungsoo smiles sympathetically and pats my shoulder "I know, I'm sorry, Chanyeol... but maybe this is a sign that it's getting about time that you told him"

I shake my head "no way, I can't loose him like that, Soo. Baekhyun's my best friend... I don't know what I would do without him"

Kyungsoo shakes his head in disagreement, but knows better than to fight me on it, because he knows that he wouldn't be able to tell Jongin if he were in my situation either.

"Want to go get breakfast?" Kyungsoo suggests.

A huge grin takes over my face "God yes, I'm starving"

........

"Dude, I don't know why you're stressing so hard, I mean Baek loves you, it might not be as a love interest, but he wouldn't just drop you because you suddenly told him the truth" Minseok says to me while I'm making a customers order.

Minseok is my boss, he owns the El Dorado café. My friends and I discovered this Café at the beginning of last year and it has become our sort of official hang out. We even figured out that Minseok is an alumni at our frat house. He's only a couple of years older than us, so we get along with him quite well and he's also one of the coaches for our school soccer team. We've all become very close with the guy, he's pretty much like a big brother to us.

"I can't put all of that on him, I mean what if he's constantly worried about if I'm checking him out, or it becomes awkward because he starts dating someone that he actually likes... I can't do that to him" I sigh frustrated at the situation.

"You never know, Yeol, Baek might actually like you back" Minseok suggests.

I fake an incredulous laugh "sure, because who wouldn't love an overly tall, obnoxious, clumsy, and sometimes downright stupid happy virus like myself?"

Minseok rolls his eyes "hey I'd go for you if I wasn't completely incapable of love"

Now it's my turn to roll my eyes "you're not incapable of love"

"Ok fine, not incapable... just unwilling" he says, his mind seeming to wonder elsewhere.

"One day you're going to have to tell me about the guy who messed you up to the point of not wanting to love again" I say taking a sandwich off the ledge separating the kitchen and the front, placing the order on a tray.

"I agree, you really need to tell us all about this guy" Tao comes up taking the tray from me.

Minseok shakes his head "it'll just depress you. It's just another one of your unrequited love stories, we were in the same fraternity, I was in love with him but he barley noticed my existence... We graduated without me saying anything and he disappeared... Now I'm left with a heart full of regret and emptiness"

"You should be a poet, Minseok" I suggest "even something that depressing sounded beautiful in your words"

Minseok laughs "nope, I love my cafe, this is my dream... My home"

Tao addresses our boss with a judgmental stare "it's sad that the only time I see that 'I'm in love' sparkle in your eyes is when you talk about the café or coffee itself"

"One can love coffee, it's the only lover i need, it wakes me up with a warm embrace every morning, lingering in my mind till the end of the day, and gives me a reason to wake up again... it's the perfect relationship"

Tao grins and shakes his head "whatever you say boss, but coffee can't fuck you"

I give Tao a pointed look "have you ever crashed from a caffeine high?"

Minseok laughs, then pushes on my shoulder with one hand, while shooing Tao with the other "back to work you two"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's only the first chapter, so I hope you guys enjoyed... and if not then... don't read it I guess?!! Haha Jk, I know you liked it, because of you didn't you wouldn't have made it to the authors note!! But you did!! Go you, you're awesome!!
> 
> Ok, so about this story, it will go through all and I mean all of the main ships: ChanBaek, Kaisoo, XiuChen, TaoRis, SuLay, and HunHan. Each ship will have its own chapter and will focus on their story in each. Are you excited? Sound like fun?
> 
> I hope you guys join me and love this story, because honestly who doesn't love a good Exo ship story? Am I right? *sticks hand up in the air* anyone? *slowly puts hand down in an awkward manor* ok then. Well, here goes nothing.


	3. Asking for help (Kaisoo)

I should have known how this day would end up when I ran into Chanyeol outside our fraternity nearly having a panic attack. It was almost like one giant warning sign telling me to go back inside the house, crawl under my blankets, and hide from the dangers of the world.

My theory is proved right when I end up in my English class, faced with one of the most testing situations I've ever experienced.

English is a class that I excel in, and I even have the grades to prove it. I love this class, but when the semester began there was no mistaking that the presence of one very tanned, godlike boy in said class, would make it very hard to concentrate some days. Though I still maintain my top of the class rank, it's just distracting to have someone so damn hot sitting a few seats away from you.

I push through it though, focusing on my work, and ignoring one really toned distraction. But when said boy suddenly approaches me, out of the blue on a free study day, I find my body frozen, my mind in jumbles, and my focus completely shattered.

"Hey... Kyungsoo right? You're Chanyeol's best friend?" Jongin inquires, letting a small smile form on his lips and it's abruptly way too hot in this room. 

"U-uh, y-yeah... I'm Kyungsoo, and yes he's my friend, though I think the 'best' tittle is taken by Baekhyun" I state wanting to face palm by how useless my brain is being at the moment.

Jongin's smile deepens, which leads me to attempting to look anywhere but at his lips "that's great, hey I heard from the professor that you're at the top of this class"

I swallow hard, cursing myself for being so nerdy for the first time in my life "I am"

He nods thoughtfully "well I was wondering..." he scratches at the back of his neck nervously, while I fight off the urge to coo at the cute action "I was wondering if you would help me out... like tutor me a bit because I really need this class to graduate and we're in the same fraternity, isn't there some law about helping out a bro?"

I chuckle despite my body being racked with awkward anxiety "sure I'll help, but not just because we're in the same fraternity"

Jongin sighs out happily, seeming relieved "great, uh... here"

He reaches for my notebook I had been taking notes in, also seizing my pen, and starts to write something down on the top of the page "I would like to start as soon a possible, my parents have been on my ass bad about keeping my grades up, but I have to work tonight so maybe we could do it tomorrow?"

I blink at his abruptness "s-sure"

He grins, and I swear my heart nearly stops "awesome, text me later with the time and place"

I nod, dazed, watching him walk away when a sudden thought pops into my head "wait..." I call out getting his attention along with most of the class making me realize I might have said that a bit loud. I look around shyly and awkwardly fidgit in my chair, until Jongin shoots them an annoyed look that immediately makes everyone focus their attention elsewhere.

I sit there for a few seconds in awe over how much influence this guy has over people, but then quickly snap out of it when I notice Jongin giving me an expectant look.

I shake my head clear "I d-don't have your number"

He smirks and points down, forcing my eyebrows to knit and follow his finger, till I'm staring down at my notebook with a bunch of numbers written across it and a name scrawled over them 'Jongin'

My mouth forms and 'o' and I nod, looking up meeting Jongin's gaze, nearly having a heart attack when I find a smirk etched into those beautiful lips of his. 

I watch him chuckle, then he mouths the word "tomorrow" before turning and leaving the room.

I breath out a breath I hadn't known I was holding, and feel my tummy erupt into a storm of nervousness. I would see Jongin tomorrow, and not just from across the room, or in passing, but I will have to share a small space with him, talking to him, making eye contact with him, and possibly even breathing the same air as him.

I groan and let my head fall against the table... 'I am so screwed'

.....

"Quit panicking Soo, It'll be fine" Chanyeol says trying to calm the storm brewing inside of me.

"I can't do this, Chanyeol. What if I lose every bit of intelligence I have... which tends to happen when he's around...and am unable to tutor him, then he'll fail and hate me... I would rather be invisible to him than have him hate me" I worry, my breath coming out in short little pants.

"Everything's going to be fine Kyungsoo, Jongin's not the type to hold a grudge, even if he completely failed and it really was all of your fault, he would still blame himself. That's just the type of guy Jongin is" Chanyeol says beginning to make a latte for a customer "seriously you two have been in the same fraternity for over a year now, how are you guys like strangers to each other? I'm close with all of the guys in the house, and even they find it weird that you don't really know each other"

I shrug "it's not for a lack of trying, believe me, I have multiple attempts under my belt of trying to get close to Jongin, but he always pulls away or doges me... now that I think if it, this is the first time he's ever approached me on his own"

"He's just shy, he tends to get excited sometimes and embarrasses himself... so he just avoids talking to people he doesn't know or people he feels will judge him" Chanyeol explains.

I frown "does he think that I'll judge him? Am I that unapproachable?"

"Well you do have this... look about you"

"What look?" I ask my eyes bulging.

Chanyeol chuckles "calm down little owl, it's just that you tend to look a little intimidating, like you kinda have a unintentional scowl on your face sometimes" 

I blink at him "Yeol, please don't make me do this, give me a reason, any reason at all to get me out of this... Jongin already hates me because i have bitchy resting face"

Chanyeol rolls his eyes "sorry, Soo. He needs this class and you need to get over your fear of him, and you don't have bitchy resting face... well not all of the time, and after he gets to know you he'll love you like the rest of us"

"I'm not afraid of him, I'm afraid of the way I act when I'm around him... I swear I'm smart, but the minute he's in front of me all of my brain cells suddenly die" I groan and throw my head onto the counter in a dramatic fashion.

Chanyeol gives me that judging, yet supportive father look when I peek back up at him. I know I'm being a child, but I still can't help but want to tuck myself into a ball and hide in a corner.

"Jongin's a good kid, trust me you'll feel really comfortable around him if you just spend a little bit of time with him, Soo" Minseok says coming up to the counter.

I nod "I'm not worried about him making it awkward, because I'll do just fine in that area by myself"

Minseok laughs "baby Soo, just put your big boy pants on and do it, don't think about it, just do it... try to imagine it's not Jongin, maybe it'll help"

I sigh, about to blow that suggestion up with a shit ton of ammonium nitrate but a customer comes up asking for a sandwich, signaling an end to our conversation. I still have a job to do, even if all I want is to be coddled and calmed by my best friend and my hyung.

I guess they're right though, I need to just suck it up and do it, even if I make a complete idiot out of myself. Jongin needs my help and I can't really let him fail. So I will do this for him, I have to do this for him... 'oh god, I think I'm going to throw up'

...........

~Jongin~

These shorts really can't get any tighter, I swear Daesung is shrinking them every time I leave them here at the club... I don't know how, but I will find out and I'll kill him for it.

I'm spraying glitter on myself when suddenly my phone vibrates on the arm of the chair next to me. I pick it up and drop into said chair, feeling bored by the conversation between my two idiotic coworkers and friends Yixing and Baekhyun.

My mood immediately picks up though when I see who the text is from.

From: unidentified number  
To: Jongin 

Hey, this is Kyungsoo. Are we still on for tomorrow?

To: Kyungsoo  
From: Jongin

Of course, unless you want to opt out on me

I wait a couple second, feeling stupid for my cockiness. Kai coming out around this kid is the last thing I want. Kyungsoo is so beautiful and sweet, and innocent... I don't want Kai to change any of that. That's one of the reasons why we're not really friends, even though I find myself almost uncontrollably drawn to him. He needs to stay innocent, he needs to keep that child like adorableness about him. I'd hate myself if he lost it because of me. 

From: Kyungsoo   
To: Jongin 

Honestly, I thought about it, but I figured it was really brave of you to ask for help, so you at least deserve to receive it.

To:Kyungsoo   
From: Jongin 

So you were thinking about bailing on me?

To: Jongin   
From: Kyungsoo 

Well I do have a reputation to uphold as a nerd, and being seen with a popular jock might ruin that.

To: Kyungsoo   
From: Jongin 

Ah i see, well I can assure you that your reputation will stay in tact. If people get the wrong idea I'll set them straight and say you were doing your duty as a nerd and helping the dumb jock with his homework.

To: Jongin   
From: Kyungsoo 

You're not dumb, Jongin.

I find myself smiling at his words, feeling a little bit of warmth spreading through my chest. I always insist that I'm kind of stupid and my friends try to convince me otherwise, but it's never actually meant anything coming from them. But having Kyungsoo, the smartest person I know telling me that I'm not dumb... it does something to me.

To: Jongin   
From: Kyungsoo 

Plus, I'm going to be tutoring you, so you'll be able to recite Shakespeare in English before you know it.

I chuckle to myself, and smile at his cuteness.

To: Kyungsoo  
From: Jongin

So where am I meeting you tomorrow, hyung?... it's ok to call you that right?

I smirk when I think of the blush that would settle across his squishy little cheeks as he reads that.

To: Jongin   
From: Kyungsoo 

Sure Jongin, you can call me hyung, and we can meet in the library after my last class which ends at 3.

To: Kyungsoo   
From: Jongin 

Sounds great hyung... I can't wait to see you.

I backspace, once again annoyed at my arrogance.

Sound great hyung... can't wait!

I press send, and sigh a little, wondering what the little guy is up too. I actually find myself kind of wishing I could be with him right now, listening to the way he sings under his breath when he does homework, or the way he mimics all of the characters expressions when he's reading an interesting book.

Suddenly my Kyungsoo happy bubble is popped when Baekhyun's bitching breaks into my thoughts. "I'm just so exhausted hyung, and I really need to get laid... it's been too long, I've basically gone celibate for my idiot of a best friend" 

"Jesus, if it will stop you're damn whining, I'll fuck you if it'll make you shut up" I say sarcastically, wanting the diva to stop complaining.

I keep my attention focused on my phone, silently wishing Kyungsoo would text me, even though I know he has no reason now that everything is settled for tomorrow, but I just want to see his name light up my screen. I feel eyes on me, but I don't make a move until that voice that is starting to become a bother to me, breaks into my thoughts once again.

"Are you serious?" Baek asks, giving me a look that says he's interested in my offer. This suddenly stirs something inside me, a little burn of arosul seeps into my belly and I feel that familiar confidence pulling me out of my head.

When Kai takes over, its not like a completely different person comes in and starts controlling my body, I'm still in control, but it's also like I'm floating around in my mind, watching what's going on, watching what Kai is doing, but not really caring to stop it. It's almost like being drunk, you still have minor control of yourself, but your sense of a moral compass completely flys out the window.

I look up from my phone, and I know that I'm in Kai's hands now, even though I really don't see Baekhyun that way, Kai tends to think with his dick "I was kind of kidding, but I can be if your into it"

Baekhyun cocks an eyebrow and smirks "I might take you up on that sometime"

"Baekhyun, don't you dare, what about Chanyeol?" Yixing try's to scold Baek.

I roll my eyes at Yixings normal mother hen behavior, while Baehyun does the same "oh come on, it's just sex. Jongin and I have nothing for each other except an appreciation for the others body"

I snort amused and stand up, sauntering over to stand behind my newest conquest "exactly, and I'm sorry, but Baek's not exactly my type, I prefer someone a little quieter and less experienced"

'like Kyungsoo?' 'you bastard, stay away from Kyungsoo' 'make me'

"He likes them innocent" Baekhyun clarifies for a confused looking Yixing.

Yixing sighs, prompting me to internally face palm, Yixing is notorious for his scoldings "I know I have no right to tell you guys what to do, but we're all friends and you two screwing around with each other just because you want to get laid isn't right"

Baekhyun turns to Yixing, diva powers activated "would you rather I go home with some random tonight? Do you want me to pick up one of the guys who smacks my ass and calls me a 'pretty little whore' every night?"

Yixing adverts his gaze, looking almost guilty "no, but I still don't approve"

"I know, but I'm going to need something to get me through till we can get Chanyeol to pull his head out of his ass and shove something up mine or I might actually turn into a pretty little whore" Baekhyun says nonchalantly while starting to touch up his makeup "besides, we're both single and clean... might as well make use of available resources"

I smirk slightly, agreeing with Bakhyuns words, but Yixing still sighs clearly not knowing when to give up "it's your life, Baek, but if you two come to regret it, don't run crying to me"

I tune out after that and sit down beside Sehun, who glances at me, narrows his eyes, then rolls them "hey, Kai"

I smirk, this little brat is the only one who's been able to tell the difference between us without me saying or doing anything. I'm kind of fond of him for it, even though he sometimes annoys the shit out of me. The kid is way too serious, he really needs to just cut back and loosen up a bit, but it's not my problem.

......

I turn around, placing my elbows against the counter, letting my eyes roam down Baek's figure. His body isn't bad, he's petite in an adorable sort of way, and his thighs are kind of thick which makes me want to litter then with bite marks.

A little voice in the back of my head warns me that this isn't a good idea, and that Baekhyun hyung is my friend, but I can't bring myself to care. Then again I never do when I'm in Kai mode, my ability to do so dissipates and I never think about the consequences till I'm already dealing with them.

I let my eyes trail from the little spitfire in front of me and glance over at the bar. Tonight is a special on fuzzy navels, which means that someone ordered way to much orange juice and we need to get rid of it before it goes bad. I notice that Jiyong is getting low on Peach Schnapps and will undoubtedly ask Baek to go get some more.

An idea starts to form in my head and I soon find myself carrying a box of peach back up front to Jiyong just as he's sending Baek back to the storage room. I hand over the box and he doesn't even question it, then I quickly head to find Yixing.

"Hey Xing, I'm going on break and I think Baek said he needed one too"

Yixing looks up from the tray he had just emptied "is he ok? He never willingly takes a break, I always have to make him"

I shrug "do you want me to go check on him while I have time?"

Yixing nods "yeah, maybe a customer got to handsy, it always effects him more than he admits"

A sudden wave of anger and protectiveness flows through me at the though of someone grouping at Baekhyun.

"I'll go now, don't worry about it, I'll take care of him" I don't wait for Yixings reply, instead I zoom off to the back room to take care of my friend.

......

I let go of a rough sigh when I finally get home, Daesung had asked me to stay late to help close, and i really need the hours so i couldn't say no, but now I'm exhausted and just want to get some sleep. A wave of relief surges through me once I realize that I have the day off tomorrow and I find myself truly smiling for the first time tonight because tomorrow I have the day off and that also means i get to see Kyungsoo.

But that happiness is short lived when I remember what happened with Baek in the back room. I knew exactly what was happening, i was fully aware of my actions, I just didn't care enough to stop it. That's the effect of Kai, he makes the messes and I deal with the consequences.

I know I have nothing to be that guilty over, I mean technically were both single, but I can't help but feel that Baek is going to beat himself up over this. I know he's been in love with Chanyeol for years and one moment lapse in judgment mixed with lust fog resulted in something that we both know we shouldn't have done.

I know we're going to have to talk about it soon, but right now I just want to put it all in the back of my mind, maybe eat some cold pizza and pass the fuck ou...

"Jongin?" A small voice says my name making it sound more beautiful than it actually is.

I turn on my heels and find Kyungsoo sitting on one of the chairs outside "hyung, what are you doing up so late?"

I shift self consciously and tug at my shoulder bag, suddenly feeling severely exposed. Like he can see every stupid and perverse thing I've done tonight, hoping he won't see who I've done tonight.

"I couldn't really sleep, so I got up to have some tea, why are you getting home so late?" He asks, and my mind immediately thinks of how cute and innocent he is.

"Work ran late, I had to help close tonight" I say quietly. I wonder what Kyungsoo would think if he saw what I do, if he saw how I act at work... or worse if he met Kai.

I shutter at the thought, I'm going to do everything in my power to keep Kyungsoo away from Kai, he's too pure and innocent. It also scares me to think that Kyungsoo would think less of me or be disappointed in me.

"Ah, you must be tired then" Kyungsoo sighs "you know, it's weird, we go to the same school, we have a few classes together, and we even live in the same house, but yet we're basically strangers to one another"

I bite at my lip 'that's because I don't want to ruin you' "we just run in different circles I guess, hyung"

"Well I guess it can't be helped now, we're going to have to get along if you want to get your grade up" Kyungsoo says offering me a small smile.

I smile shyly and look down at the ground. He really is too adorable, I just want to wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly. For so long this little guy has been on my radar, and for so long I've kept my distances from him, but my self control is crumbling... I just hope I spare Kyungsoo in my desperation to be close to the boy.

"Jongin, you should go get some sleep, you look exhausted" Kyungsoo remarks, giving me a worried expression.

I offer him the best smile I can muster "ok, hyung. Have a good night, don't stay up too late"

Kyungsoo nods "sure I'll be able to sleep better now that yo... now that I've had my tea"

My eyebrows lift, was Kyungsoo waiting up for me? Was he unable to sleep because he was worried about me? I shake my head 'no that's ridiculous, he barely knows me, he wouldn't wast time waiting for me to get home when he could be sleeping' I clear my head of the possibility because that's just crazy, I'm probably nothing more to him than the pain in the ass kid that he now has to tutor.

But a small flicker of hope pulls at my heart, and I can't seem to push it away no matter how much I deny that I mean anything to the boy sitting in front of me.

Kyungsoo chuckles "Jongin, come on"

I blink at him and am about to ask what he means, but he grabs me by my wrist, starting to pull me inside. The abrupt physical contact has every attempt at communication dying at its conception. Electricity pulses up my arm and around the point of contact, making my body tingly and my head fuzzy.

We reach my room and Kyungsoo opens my door, pulling me inside "here, sit"

I'm confused as hell but don't question it and cautiously obey his orders. I sit down on the bed and he begins taking off my bag, followed by my jacket, then he bends down and take off my shoes. He looks up at me expectantly and it clicks, the sweetheart is putting me to bed.

I hold up a finger and shimmy out of my tight ass pants, causing him to turn a beautiful shade of red and look away. I throw my pants somewhere randomly in the room not missing the annoyance that briefly flashes through his eyes. I push down a chuckle and crawl under my comforter, snuggling down into the surprisingly really comfortable bed.

Kyungsoo flashes me an almost adoring grin "goodnight Jongin-ah"

I hug onto my pillow and mumble out a "night, hyung" before the light is shut off and I sink into a deep and peaceful sleep filled with images of heart shaped lips and wide, innocent eyes.

>>>>

~Kyungsoo~

I close Jongin's door and place a hand over my chest trying to calm my erratically beating heart. I hadn't intended for that to happen, when Baek, Yixing, and Sehun had came home earlier tonight, but Jongin didn't, I started to feel worried.

I had tried to go to bed, but my mind was completely restless in its pursuit to find out if Jongin was ok. So I had gotten up and checked inside his room to find it empty, then I decided it wouldn't hurt to at least make some tea and wait up to make sure he makes it home alright.

I had only been waiting for about fifteen minutes when an exhausted looking Jongin came shuffling up the steps of the house. I knew he didn't notice me and I was going to let him pass right by me, but something about the look on his face refused to let me do so.

I try to calm my flushed face down, because I was not expecting him to just peel off his pants right in front of me and I tried my best not to stare at how perfect his thighs are. I still insist that the thought of placing small bites and kisses all up and down those thighs never passed through my head, but the red that still colors my cheeks presents me as a liar.

I shake my head and walk down the hall to my own room, hoping to god I can clam myself and my stupid thoughts down before I meet Jongin tomorrow. Popping a boner in the middle of tutoring would surly be the end of me and I have so many things I want to do before I die. 'lord please help me through this, the boy knows not what he does'


	4. Watching from afar (Sulay)

~Yixing~

He's late today, I wonder if something happened to him. Is he sick? Was there an accident? Oh my god, what if he's hurt?

Panic seeps into my bones and my breath starts coming out rushed and harsh. He's dead and I haven't even introduced myself to him, he's dead and he'll never know that I love him.

I breath out a large breath of relief when I see said boy rush into the class room, seconds before the professor calls the class into attention. He gives the professor a slight nod and looks around for an empty seat, before his eyes land on the chair next to mine.

My eyes bulge and the panic I was momentarily relived from rushes back to the surface as he makes his way up the steps to his seat.

This can't be happening, this isn't possible... 'ok, stay calm Yixing, he'll just ignore you all class, you'll be fine and then we can all move on with our lives'

But clearly the universe hates me, because as soon as he sits down, that familiar sent of him, sandalwood and lavender, enters my senses and I can't help the longing sigh that escapes my lips. 

I freeze when I feel his eyes on me, and I'm unable to stop my eyes from glancing at him from the corners. He really is staring at me, like not just a casual look, but a piercing, almost amazed type stare. I swallow hard and shift in my seat, which seems to snap him out of it. He clears his throat and turns back to the professor, leaving me breathless and slightly shaky.

The way he had looked at me, it made my skin burn, and a knot pull in my lower stomach, but in a good way. I've seen those eyes so many times but never once directed at me, only in my head has he ever stared at me like that, and all of those times he was doing things to me that are intensely inappropriate to do in a classroom.

I feel heat rush to my lower abdomen, causing me to fidget as the memory of a set of piercing, smoldering eyes staring into my soul, stripping me of any innocence I had left. Even with my eyes open I can see them clearly, possessive, almost feral, as he touches me, caresses me, worshipping my body in ways I can't even imagine. 

Junmyeon clears his throat next to me and I snap out of the daydream I had lost myself in. I swallow thickly and once again fidgit in my seat. I take my book off the table and place it over my crotch to conceal what this man has done to me with only a single look. 

"Are you ok?" A voice ...that voice whispers in my ear, forcing my breath to catch.

I swallow hard and nod slightly not being able to trust my voice at the moment. I know how I must look right now, flushed to hell, curled in on myself, and breathing harshly.

For the rest of class I don't hear one word the professor says. All of my thoughts are on Junmyeon and my -slowly becoming more of a problem- boner, and by the time class is over, my dick is aching and I feel hot and sweaty.

"Hey Xing, are you ok?" Someone asks comming up to me as people are leaving the room.

I glance up, never having felt happier to see one of my friends "Sehun" i whine.

Sehun sighs "come on, let me help you back to the house, hyung. If you were sick you shouldn't have come to class"

Sehun secures an arm around me and tells me to hold his hoodie, which he conveniently presses right in front of my problem. Then he grabs my bag and starts helping me down the stairs, to the exit.

I glance up and catch the worried, and seemingly angry eyes of no other than Junmyeon... but, no, that's not possible, I'm imagining things, right? Sehun drags me out of the class room before I have anymore time to question it.

We make it to the end of the hallway and I halt our movements "I think I'm going to be sick, I'm just going to go to the bathroom really quick"

Sehun nods and surprisingly helps me into the bathroom "here, go into the last stall so we can both fit"

"Sehun, you don't have to hold my hair back or anything, I'll be fine and you probably don't want to see this"

"It's fine hyung, let me take care of you" he drops our things outside the stall and pushes me inside, till I'm sitting on the toilet, still clutching Sehun's hoodie in my hands.

Sehun lifts an eyebrow, leaning over grasping at his hoodie, starting a small tug of war with me.

"Sehun, really, I'm fine. Just wait outside. I'll be out in a bit" I say feeling a bit flustered.

Sehun rolls his eyes "hyung, we're not leaving till you let me help you"

I sigh, giving up, letting him pull the hoodie from my tight grasp. My hardness obvious for the world to see, pressed tightly against my jeans. I avoid his eyes and feel my cheeks heat up, as the small stall is overwhelmed with awkward silence.

Abruptly, without so much as a single warning, he drops to his knees, prompting my eyes to bulge "what are you doing, Sehun?"

"Taking care of you, hyung. That guy that sat next to you, he's the one you're in love with right? The one you stalk? He made you this way, didn't he?"

I swallow and look away, not really wanting to answer any of his questions "Sehunnie, you don't have to do this"

"I want to, Yixing hyung. You always take care of me, let me take care of you" he says, then proceeds to unbuckle my belt and slide my jeans down to my knees, followed by my boxers.

I sigh at the feeling of finally being free from the confines of my cloths, but don't have time to enjoy it when Sehun's lips suddenly find their way around the head of my member. I jump, yelping at the sudden contact, then moan once the pleasure kicks in. I blink rapidly for a second, trying to calm my breathing from being caught off guard by his actions. This boy gets straight to the point, with zero teasing, and I like that... maybe a little too much.

"Oh shit" I call out and grip at Sehun's hair, before removing my hands so I won't pull too hard and hurt him.

"It's ok, Yixing hyung. Pull my hair... I like it" our little macknee says without any hesitance in his voice.

I curse and get a good handful of his hair just in time for him to lick a long strip from the base to the tip, making me jolt and pull at his hair. Sehun moans and I can't help but mirror his sound.

More curses fall out of my mouth as he tongues the slit, then takes all of me in once again. The boy is a master at giving head, and right now I'm thankful, but later I know I'll have questions for how my innocent little baby Sehunnie knows how to do this.

Sehun reaches up and fingers at my balls, while deep throating me like a pro. I quickly start to feel that tightness in my lower abdomen, and I pull roughly at Sehun's hair.

"Hunnie, I'm about to cum. Pull off" I gasp out, my voice tight and raspy.

Sehun ignores my warning and swallows around me, pushing my completion out of me, at a startling intensity. My macknee even has the audacity to swallow all of it, and I'm left sagged against the wall, eyes lidded, and petting Sehun's cheek and hair fondly as I come down from my high. The boy continues to milk me till it's too much oversensitivity and I push him off.

Sehun then, calmly pulls my pants back up and fastens everything back into place "was it good, hyung?" He asks innocently.

I sigh and lean forward placing a small kiss to the tip of his nose "yeah Sehunnie, it was really good... do I even want to ask how you learned to do that?"

Sehun smiles proudly "fanfiction" then he gets up and straightens his cloths, before helping me to my feet.

I shake my head, and we leave the bathroom. I place my arm around the boy and he gives me a shy smile, a complete one eighty from the person who was just on his knees, blowing me in the bathroom.

As we're heading down the hall, I get the feeling that someone is watching us. I stop and glance over my shoulder catching a form retreating in the opposite direction, the very same form that I've come accustom to seeing from afar. 

My eyebrows knit together 'he has a class over in the arts building, why is he still in the science building? Wait... did he just come out of the bathroom where Sehun and I just were? Did he hear what happened?'

Panic takes me over once again but only for a second, before I quickly calm myself down 'no that's not possible, no person would stay quiet and not say something if they heard that, and even if he did, he doesn't know me, so he has no reason to care' 

I sigh, feeling more depressed rather than panicked now, of course Junmyun wouldn't care, he doesn't even know me, and there's no reason he should. Junmyun is perfect, and I'm as boring as they come, it's better if I stay hidden and allow him to get close to me only in my fantasies. 

"You ok, hyung? I didn't upset you about what I just did, did I? I figured you would be ok with it, I-I'm sor..."

"Suhunnie, don't worry about it, I'm not upset. Actually, thank you. It would have been hell trying to go through the rest of the day with that thing, and doing it yourself is never as satisfying... We are, however going to have a talk about why you were so good at it"

Sehun blushes and lowers his head "I'm not as innocent as everyone thinks, you know"

I shake my head "of course not, but I know your not a slut either, trust me I know the kind, hell i'm best friends with one, but you have all of the actions without any of the mentality... so spill, how did that happen?"

Sehun shrugs "my first boyfriend, 'gay for a day' type, he liked receiving but not giving, if you know what I mean"

I nod, we've all been there, the typical straight boy who wants to experiment, but without ever doing anything too gay. Usually those boys come in, make you fall head over heels for them, you end up doing every sexual act you can think of to keep them interested, then they break your heart when they get bored or find something better. It's a rough way to come into the gay world, but they normally make those who go through it strong and fierce, if they don't break you.

"That's rough kid, I'm sorry" I say squeezing his shoulder.

He shrugs "it's ok, he kind of had a small dick anyways, I don't bottom if it's not worth it"

"You mean, you two never went all the way?" I ask, intrigued by this information.

Sehun shakes his head, clearly embarrassed "nope"

"Have you gone all the way with anyone, Sehunnie?" I ask cautionsly, not wanting to push him into answering a question he isn't comfortable with.

He looks down at his feet, pushing his bottom lip out in a pout "no"

I sigh "oh thank god, my baby is still a virgin, and here I thought I was losing you to Baek and Kai's side"

Sehun pushes me lightly on my shoulder, but a small smile forms on his lips. He loves to be babied by me and we all know it, actually he only accepts being treated like a child from Tao, Minseok, Kyungsoo and me. None of us really know why that is, but we never bothered to ask, it just became normal for us to treat Sehun like our child.

"Will I see you at work tonight?" Sehun asks, stopping outside his next class.

I nod "yeah... oh remember, we're getting that new guy tonight, the transfer student from China"

Sehun smiles "it'll be nice for you to have someone you can speak mandarin with, hyung"

I grin back at the kid "yeah, Tao and Yifan are too wrapped up in each other, so it'll be nice to have a friend I can really communicate with"

Sehun leans into me and gives me a short squeeze, before walking inside his class, after a mumbled "bye, hyung"

I chuckle, watching to make sure he gets inside alright. I really do love that kid... I just hope one day he can learn to love himself.

.......

"You did what?" Baekhyun barks "to my little baby Sehun?"

I sigh "ok, one, you know he only accepts Tao, Minnie, Soo, and me calling him that, he'd probably hit you if he heard you, and he did it to me, not the other way around"

"You defiled him" Baek yells dramatically.

I roll my eyes "calm down, this is a public place" 

I look around realizing how dead the coffee shop is, wishing there were more people to validate my claim besides the hipster guy who is here everyday and should probably find a job, and the law student in the corner who is so stressed and immersed in her books that the world ending wouldn't keep her from studying.

"You just told me that Sehun blew you in the men's bathroom on the third floor of the science building and you want me to calm down?" Baek screeches.

I shake my head "do you want me to remind you of what happened between you and Jongin last night?"

Baek gives me his best go to hell look "that was not Jongin, that was Kai and besides Kai is a whore, but Sehun is a cute cuddly ball of innocence... an innocence that you probably just ruined"

"Oh please, there is nothing innocent about that boy" Tao says sitting down next to us with a tray full of baked goods "trust me, the bitch lived with me for almost a year. Sehun's not as pure as he has everyone believing he is"

"You're closer to him than anyone, how can you say that?" Baek asks distraught.

"Yeah and It's because I'm the closest to him that I've had a front row seat to it all. Trust me, I'm still one of Sehun's mothers, and he is still my baby Sehunnie, but I'm not ignorant" Tao says matching Baekhyun's divaness perfectly.

I've always admired Tao's ability to hold his own against Baekhyun. I still replay the time Tao put Baek in his place after he had tried to make the point that Yifan and Tao should sleep in separate rooms after we joined EXO fraternity, with a fondness in my heart.

"But..." Baek starts.

"No, listen, was it consensual both ways?" Tao asks me.

I nod "he insisted on it and I told him it was ok"

"Did you make him feel like shit about it afterwords?" Tao questions with a slight edge in his voice.

"Of course not, I actually gave him praise and thanked him" I state a little offended, I would never hurt Sehun like that.

Tao smirks at me "great, then this matter is closed, no big deal"

"But..." Baekhyun tries again.

Tao shakes his head "don't even, or I will march right over to that counter and tell Chanyeol and Kyungsoo exactly what happened between you and Kai last night"

Baek's jaw drops "you wouldn't"

"Try me bitch" Tao says tilting his head.

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and sits back in his seat "I hate you"

Tao smiles all to sweetly "love you too, sweetie"

I stifle a giggle, but then remember what time it is. I check my watch hurriedly "oh, I have to go"

"What? You just got here" Tao pouts.

Baek grins at me devilishly "he has some staking to do"

"Stalking? Who? Please tell me it isn't the same guy you've been following around like a lost puppy since freshmen year" Tao whines dramatically.

I blush "it's none of your guy's business and for the record, I have some studying to do in the library"

Baek smirks "uh hu, what part of him are you going to study today, his face? His arms? His ass?"

I walk over to the other side of the table and kiss Baek of the cheek "goodbye, Baekhyun"

"You could at least hug me, bitch" Baek comments as I start to walk away.

"Well you should think about how much you want a hug right now, the next time you decide to be a dick about things I tell you in confidence" I reply and wave at Chanyeol and Minseok before walking out the door, headed to the library. That all too familiar excitement and nervousness starts pulling at my nerves because I know I'm about I see him again.

>>>>

He's wearing that blue swear again, the dark blue one, the one that fits him just right, with a light blue button up underneath. It always makes him look so classy and dignified, so I can't help but love that sweater, it's my favorite.

He pulls out his large text book from our science class, but I know he'll barely glance at it. He's reading 'Into the wild' again. It's our favorite book, actually it's one of the first things that drew me toward him. Not many people have read 'Into the wild' let alone actually like it, but his tattered copy that looks a lot like mine, proves his love.

I glance at the large window covering most of the wall on one side of the library, and smile at how magical the golden light, filtering into the library looks. On a day like this I refuse to feel guilty for what I do, on days like this when the sun hits his dark brown hair and pale skin just right. He's reminiscent of a angel come to earth, and I feel that it's only right to stare, it's only natural to feel compelled to stay close to him.

Junmyeon pulls out a pen and a notebook, starting to read over the chapter we were assigned to read today -thank god Sehun texted me and told me what our homework was or I would have been so utterly lost- he glances over the page a couple of times before closing the text book and right on schedule pulls out his tattered copy of into the wild. I smile at that, as always Junmyeon is predictable, he is calculated, he has no room for change.

It's one of the things I love about him, he has a schedule and he sticks to it. He's not a person to wonder off the path, or make waves. His life is organized, simple, and perfect.

Junmyeon isn't the type of guy you would catch in a gay bar at one in the morning serving drinks or flirting with customers, he isn't the type of person who scrapes by enough to be average in life, and he most certainly isn't the type of person to stalk someone who doesn't even know they're alive.

No, Junmyeon is completely normal and safe, and that's what is so addicting to me. He's the personification of everything I've ever wanted, while I'm probably the epitome of his worst nightmares.

Junmyeon smiles slightly at something he just read and I smile with him, as if I had read it too. I love Junmyeon's smile, it's so full of kindness and honestly, like he never smiles unless he means it.

He never cares about what other people think and pays no mind to useless gossip, he keeps his head on straight and keeps himself focused. Because Junmyeon is normal, Junmyeon is safe.

>>>>

He stops by a coffee shop, not Minseok's coffee shop, just a regular chain coffee shop on campus that he visits everyday on the way home. He orders green tea with lemon and honey, I get a hot chocolate. He sits for a few minutes, letting his body relax, letting the warm beverage do magic on his nerves.

His friend Choi Minho comes in, says hello, talks about a computer corse they're both in. I know better than to be jealous of Minho. He's in a deeply committed relationship with his long time boyfriend Taemin, they're almost, kind of campus royalty like Tao and Yifan are.

I like Minho, he makes Junmyeon smile, anything that makes Junmyeon smile, has my approval. He needs to smile more, he's too serious. I'd love to make him smile, to be the reason for his happiness, but he can't know about me, and I'm content to watch from afar for now, admiring the things and people that make him smile.

We leave the coffee shop, he has to go back to his dorm and change, so I wait outside... if I follow him in, he'd notice.

So I wait, leaning against a tree outside his dorm. It's a large, old, and extremely beautiful tree, that I've become very close to in the past year. He helps me when I need to hide and gives me a place to rest when I have to wait. I've decided to name the tree Pengyou, since it's my friend now.

Junmyeon exits the dorm with a basket in his hands, it's laundry day. A very important day, because Junmyeon is never dressed down, and to see him in a basic t-shirt and a pair of jeans is a sight gifted to few.

He looks even more perfect in a fitted black t-shirt than he does in the blue sweater, but I still love the sweater, it's still my favorite. His back muscles contort and roll as he shifts the basket back and forth while waking to the laundry area.

I sigh contently, wishing I could run my hands down his back, letting my fingertips caress the tightness of those muscles. Brushing against every dip, every curve, every line. I bite my lip just imagining, how it would feel to place kisses up and down that back, or to sink my teeth into that beautiful unmarked flesh, marking Junmyeon as mine.

I shake my head free of those thoughts, once we reach the laundry room, and settle myself on the far side of the room with my own bag of laundry I brought in here earlier.

Junmyeon likes to watch dramas, a really adorable trait I found out about a while ago. He watches them while doing laundry, his most recent obsession; Love from another star. He's adrorable when he laughs, which isn't often. That's one of the reasons I like to watch him watch his dramas, he laughs. He also cries though, I've had to stop myself from comforting him multiple times. 

Another important thing on the top of my list, Junmyeon shows emotion without humility. If he wants to cry, he cries. He doesn't worry about other people's opinions, of he's sad, he doesn't hold it in and that is so beautiful to me.

>>>>

It's a beautiful night out, clear with a slight chill in the air. The wind blows slightly making me worried about Junmyeon, because he's not wearing a jacket, but he doesn't seem to mind. He seems to love the weather just as much as I do, just one more thing we have in common.

It's a short walk from the laundry room to his dorm, which is kind of disappointing... I wish I had more time with him, I always wish I had more time.

He goes to head inside, but stops, pausing briefly as if he's thinking something over. I hold my breath, what if he's found out about me? What if he's angry and is going to hit me or have me arrested? Oh god, what if I never get to see him again?

My panic simmers down, when he shakes his head, as if putting it out of his mind and walks into the dorm.

I heave out a breath of relief and sag against Pengyou "that was a close one, Pengyou. I should really stop doing this"

I sigh and stand up straight, heading back to the house, where I should have been all along. It's not like I want to do this, its not like I'm a crazy person who gets off on obsessing about someone, I just can't help it. 

I've been in love with that man since the minute I saw him in the library, standing in front of a bookshelf, bathed in a pinkish, golden glow flowing in from the window wall. He was so utterly dazzling, I found myself quickly consumed with wanting to know everything about him. The more I found out the deeper I fell, and I just wanted to be around him every second of everyday. That's where the following came in, it started one day when I had all of my classes canceled. I decided I was just going to follow him around for one day, see what a day in the life of Kim Junmyeon is like... but it only made my obsession worse, and I found myself following him everyday for the next month.

I quit doing it once, for almost two whole weeks, I stayed away from him making sure to keep my distance, only going to places when I knew he wouldn't be there, but in the end i felt like I was suffocating without him. So I went back, and that first day I saw him again was like being saved from drowning in a storm crazed sea.

The weird thing is that he had looked different somehow when i came back. His hair wasn't as neat, his cloths weren't as straight, as his mood had dropped to an almost brooding level. My Junmyeon was a mess and I found myself destroyed because I didn't know what happened to him. I wasn't there to see what had him so affected. It broke my heart to miss something in his life and I just couldn't stay away after that, the thought of possibly missing something important about him, scared me more than possibly being found out.

But recently I'm understanding more of why I need to let go and move on, of why I need to stay away from Junmyeon. This obsession I have isn't healthy for either of us, even though he doesn't know anything about me or what I do, he still deserves to live a life without me constantly looking over his shoulder. 

I'll let go eventually, I'll find myself someone who actually knows about my existence and I'll live my life without this nasty habit of mine.

I enter the house, greeted by none other than our darling house mother, Chen.

"Hey, Yixing. How was Junmyun today?" Chen says lacing up his shoes by the door.

I smile sadly "you know, you're the only one who doesn't give me shit about that"

He shrugs "why should I? It's your own business and you're not hurting anyone. You're in love kid, we all obsess when we're in love"

"Yeah but to stalk someone?" I ask feeling the full weight of my disgust for myself.

Chen smiles "every one shows love differently" he stands up and pats my shoulder "are you working tonight?"

I nod "yeah, we're getting a new guy, so I have to be there to train him"

Chen takes in a deep breath "I see, well try not to get into trouble"

I laugh "come one, Chen. You know me better than that"

Chen grins "well you're one of the few who actually listens to me, the others tend to ignore their house mother"

I roll my eyes, taking the stairs "well maybe if you'd quit acting like a real mother, they'd listen to you more"

Chen scoffs "someone needs to take care of these brats, I remember what college was like... it's not pretty"

"Well not everybody is completely drunk the whole time they're in college, Chen" I comment, finally reaching the top of the stairs.

Chen nods "you might have a point there, Yixing, but I also know these guys... trust me, they need me"

I laugh "if course, Chen, we'd all fall apart without you"

Chen snorts, and opens the front door "damn right you would. Have a good night at work, Yixing, call me if you need me"

"I will, as always" I promise as he closes the door, leaving me alone in the suddenly too quiet house.

I shuffle down the hall to my room, opening the door and sighing at the state my room is currently in. I need to clean, but I haven't had the time, or the drive to do so. I guess I could pick up a bit before I have to be at work... or I could check Junmyeon's Facebook... yeah, definitely Facebook.

I plop down on my bed and power up my laptop, nibbling at my lip in impatience. I have the webpage up, scrolling through his updates in record time, smiling at a couple funny things he's posted and thinking hard over a couple thought provoking things. Junmyeon really is interesting, the way he thinks is just so unlike other people, he's smart and witty, but not afraid to post stupid, silly things either. I love the way his mind works, it's entirely his own, and he's completely unapologetic about that.

"Hyung, it's time to head to the club now" Sehun mentions poking his head into my room.

I glance up at the boy and smile "ok Sehunnie, I'll be right there"

Sehun smiles and steps fully into my room "I'm sure his Facebook page with still be here when we get home, work awaits hyung"

I narrow my eyes at him playfully, but can't prevent the smile that take over my lips. Once again that soft spot I have for the boy, proven.

"Fine, fine, but if he posts something interesting while I'm gone and I missed it, I'm holding you accountable" I say closing my laptop and standing up.

Sehun smirks and lifts an eyebrow "what are you going to do, hyung... punish me?" He asks, his voice dripping with insinuation.

"Oh my god, see, you broke him... my poor baby, Sehunnie. Did the bad man touch you in your no no place? Did he force you to do naughty things, Sehunnie?" Baek questions storming into my room with an overdramatic flare only the boy knows how to perfect.

"Don't call me that and trust me, nothing happened that I didn't want to" Sehun says, giving Baek a disturbed look.

Baekhyun gasps and grabs Sehun's head pulling it to his chest "oh god, it's worse than I though, you've tainted him, Yixing. We've lost our innocent ba-"

Baekhyun however doesn't finish that sentence when Sehun knees the diva right in the crotch, forcing Baek to his knees, with a squeal leaving his lips at an octave no man should ever be able to reach.

"I've told you, Baek. I'm not your baby, so quit treating me like one" Sehun says defiantly crossing his arms over his chest, staring down at the man cupping his junk on the floor.

I try my best to hold in my laughter and reach out, grasping Sehun's biesep "Sehunnie, you shouldn't have done that. No matter how deserved it was, it's not nice to knee your hyung's in the balls"

Sehun looks at me guiltily "sorry, hyung"

I reach up and brush my knuckles across his cheek bone "not me you need to apologize to, sweetie"

Sehun sighs forlornly "sorry, Baekhyun hyung. I shouldn't have touched you in your no no place"

Baek glares up at both of us "I hate you guys"

Sehun and I laugh "love you too" we say in unison and help the pathetic looking boy off the ground.

"Now, lets get to work, before Siwon has a bitch fit" Sehun suggests, prompting the complete agreement of everyone.

I look over my shoulder one last time at my computer, sighing helplessly. 'One of these days I will quit you, Junmyeon. One day I'll give you the privacy you deserve... I just can't let go of you yet'

I shut the door behind me, praying that I don't miss anything while I'm gone, while imagining that he's waiting patiently for me to come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys loved my Lay centric chapter, there's a reason you haven't gotten Suho's POV yet, but trust me you'll love what happens.
> 
> Sorry if Stalker Lay came out a bit creepy or weird, I tried to make his habit as innocent as possible, but trust me guys, he's a good guy with a heart of gold... who just happens to have a small obsession with someone he's never even met... perfectly normal... right? Well It's harmless at least. Sort of...


	5. The new guy (Hunhan)

~Sehun~

"Ok guys, I told you we're getting a new employee tonight, he's a transfer student from China, so please be nice to him" Siwon says, helping Baek fix his shirt like the doting father he is.

I scoff and turn away, denying that the jumble in my stomach that I feel, isn't jealously. Honestly who would want someone constantly attached to them like that anyways? It just seems annoying and suffocating to me... At least that what I try to tell myself.

"Really, he's Chinese?" Yixing claps excitedly and starts speaking rapidly in mandarin. 

I roll my eyes and giggle at my hyung, he's so cute and funny when he gets excited and starts speaking in his native tongue, but at least Yixing can stick to one language unlike Tao. Every one is confused when Tao starts rambling on about some sale at a shopping mall or a new plushie that he just got, in multiple languages, which I'm sure, includes a bit of gibberish.

"Yes he's Chinese Yixing, but we are not so please speak Korean" Siwon requests, giving Yixing a confused and slightly panicked expression.

"It's ok, I caught everything he said" a pixie like guy says nearly floating into the room.

My eyes lock onto the newest addition to the room, and my breath catches in my throat once my brain processes this beautiful creature in front of me. His blond hair seems to flow naturally, perfectly framing his almost feminine face and his eyes, doe like in their presence, seem to sparkle with this captivating twinkle. He's beautiful in so many ways, from the discreet angle of his jaw to the delicate curves of his body... I'm completely mystified. 

"Ah Luhan, welcome, everyone this is Lu Han, he just transferred to your school Baekkie, and I believe he's also joined the soccer team... so i figured he'd be a great add to our team" Siwon says joyfully, smiling warmly at the doe like boy, and leaving Baek's side to dote on his new employee.

Luhan steps forward and gifts everyone with a dazzling smile "hello everyone, it's nice to meet you, I hope we can all be friends" then he says the same thing... or at least I think it's the same thing in mandarin, to which Yixing claps delighted and immediately wraps an arm around the boy.

I push the little bubble of jealousy down, knowing that Yixing hyung is just kind and affectionate and that he has no personal interest in Luhan. I can't however push down the growing need to be close to the boy, so I walk over to where he stands, my head lowered shyly.

"Oh Luhan, this is Sehun, the youngest of our little group here and also in our fraternity" Yixing announces in Korean so I can be involved.

"It's nice to meet you Sehun" that angelic like voice happily greets me, my name suddenly sounding a lot more melodic.

"H-hi, it's nice to meet you too" I mumble out, running my tongue over my bottom lip, a nervous tick I've always had.

Yixing giggles and I glance up to find him staring at me amused "my Sehunnie, always so shy"

Luhan smiles sympathetiy and pats my shoulder "it's ok Sehun, we have time to warm up to each other"

I swallow thickly and our gazes connect immediately shooting electricity through my body "s-sure Luhan"

The minute his name rolls off my tongue, he blinks at me, seemingly just as lost as I feel at the moment. He takes a step forward, still staring into my eyes, but much to my disappointment, he quickly stops himself. 

He shakes his head and clears his throat. "Well I should go get dressed, don't want to be late on my first night"

Yixing gives both of us suspicious looks but nods anyways "yeah, go ahead, there's a changing room through that door since you're probably not comfortable dressing with us yet"

Luhan shoots him a thankful smile and makes his way to the door Yixing had motioned to. Before Luhan even has the door latched, Yixing turns on me, staring at me with accusing eyes.

"Ok kid what the hell was that?" He asks quietly so we won't be heard by the subject in question, or by the big mouthed diva doing squats in the corner to make his ass look good in his uniform.

I shake my head "I don't know Xing hyung, it was like that whole world stopping kind of thing... is love at first sight possible? I mean I know this sounds completely insane, and usually all of that love crap makes me want to punch a baby... but... I'm not going insane right? Is something wrong with me hyung?"

Yixing smiles at me, my adoring mother once again coming back to me "there is nothing wrong with you, and of course love at first sight is real, Sehunnie, I've felt it"

"The guy you stalk? Was that love at first sight?" I ask, not meaning any offense, but I really don't know what else to call the guy.

Yixing sighs "ok, one; his name is Junmyeon, so please stop calling him 'the guy I stalk', and two; yes, I very much so fell for him at first sight"

I nod and stare at the door, separating me from the little doe like boy "I like him Yixing hyung, I don't know why, I mean I just met him and don't know anything about him, but I can't help but want to be close to him"

Yixing pats my shoulder "then do something about it kid, make him yours"

I bite the inside of my lip and smile shyly "I will hyung, before summer break Luhan will be mine"

>>>>

~Luhan~

I take my time squeezing into these unnecessarily small spandex shorts, while my mind replays what just happened. I had a weird connection with that Sehun kid, one that I'm a little wary of. It was like a moment where only he and I existed in the whole universe, and I wanted nothing more than to figure out what his lips would feel like pressed against mine.

I shake my head once again trying to clear it of thoughts I didn't want it filled with. This kid is definitely bad news, he could possibly ruin everything I've tried to do over the past couple of years. I can't loose just because a cute little twink decides to bat his eyelashes at me.

'Wait, no... Bad Luhan, the kid is not cute, and don't use that terminology. Don't let him get under your skin or under you in any other way... damn it Luhan, quit thinking like that'

I take in a very frustrated breath and pull at my hair making it a little messy. Oh yeah, Sehun is defiantly on my 'stay away from, at all costs' list.

.....

I open the door and step out "is everyone's shorts this short... and restricting?" I ask no one in particular, tugging at the bottom hem of my new uniform.

A smallish boy with dark brown hair, that almost gives me a puppy like impression, comes up to me, chuckling softly "yeah, pretty much, my dad had objected to it at first, but after a while realized that they actually brought in a lot more customers and well money beat out his conscience"

I lift an eyebrow at the strange boys ramblings "dad?"

The boy nods "yeah, Siwon is my father... I'm Baekhyun by the way"

I blink at him "if your dad owns this place then why do you work here?"

Baekhyun smiles playfully "something about responsibility and learning to stand on my own... my dad's really big on teaching me how to be an adult... Though I firmly believe it's an excuse to keep and eye on me, but I love working here, so I allow it"

I chuckle and nod, cocking my head to the side observing the boy in front of me "your cool Baekhyun"

The brown haired puppy like boy nods "I'm aware" then he proceeds to hand me a can of some type of spray substance and walks away damn near skipping.

I stare at the can for a few minutes, wondering what I need to do with it, before it's grabbed out of my hands. I look up to find an amused, and possibly gawking Sehun staring at me, motioning for me to turn around.

I do so slowly, and suddenly feel a cool burst against my back. I yelp and jump slightly to which Sehun places a hand on my shoulder almost instantly making me feel calm, while also keeping me still. A warm shiver flows up my spine, followed by a couple images of Sehun that don't belong in my head and I have to remind myself to stow those feelings.

"It's just glitter, it looks good under the club lights, trust me" he says clearly humored at my sudden outbursts.

I nod and allow him to spray the rest of my back side with the fairy dust, then he turns me around. Sehun bites his lip, obviously having some type of internal struggle with himself, before starting to spray down my front, hands moving with a professional like grace. He then steps back, narrowing his eyes, observing my body from head to toe.

I tense, abruptly feeling very subconscious underneath the boys scrutinizing gaze. I know it's crazy but a strong sense of wanting this boys approval sweeps through me and refuses to leave, no matter what I do to try to push it away. I hate this feeling, and more than anything I just want it to leave, but I still can't help my disappointment to what he does next.

Sehun shakes his head in disapproval and walks away after telling me not to move. Even with this sudden feeling of dejection, I do as he says, watching as he goes and gets a makeup like bag, then comes back over to me. Sehun starts pulling out jars and containers, along with brushes and other things I couldn't identify even if I tried. I nearly make a little manly squeak when Sehun kneels in front of me and starts to draw something on my left thigh with glittered, shiny brushes and pencil looking things. I am so distracted by everything he's doing, I don't even have the time to think about rejected I felt when I though he didn't like how I looked. 

"Oh my god, Yixing, Sehun's painting Luhan" a voice suddenly wines through the little private bubble I hadn't known Sehun and I had created.

"Yes Baekkie, he's helping Luhan" Yixing says putting eyeliner on at one of the makeup tables, not even bothering to glance up.

"Seriously Sehun, you need the go into costume makeup" An older guy, with small eyes, and a beaming smile says standing over by the wall closest to the door going through what looks like a rack of costumes and costume accessories, prompting me to wonder when this guy came in.

I look down at the boy concentrating on my lower abdomen at the moment, creating a floral design, almost taking on a henna effect. Sehun rolls his eyes, but doesn't say anything making me wonder why he reacted like that, but I decide to ask him later and let him focus. Sehun reaches up, grabbing the back of my thigh in a firm yet gentle grip forcing a small gasp out of my lips, to which he looks up worried.

"You ok? I'm not hurting you, am I?" he asks, his eyes burning into my damn soul.

'god yes, you are killing me Oh Sehun' I offer him a small smile "just surprised me" he nods and goes back to concentrate on slowly torturing me.

"Yixing, how many times have I asked Sehun, the fucking glitter master, to paint me?" Baekhyun whines.

"To many fucking times to count" Sehun breaks in, now concentrating intensely hard, back on my thigh area, forcing a blush onto my cheeks which I embarrassingly try to hide. 

"Exactly, so why are you helping him Sehunnie?" The whinny boy asks, while Sehun sighs annoyed.

"Because I actually like him" Sehun says nonchalantly "and he's too pretty to be basic, at least on his first night. He needs to make a good impression"

I blush harder at that and glance away, asking God why he feels the need to test me this way.

.... 

I stare at myself in the mirror for the hundredth time tonight, mesmerized by the colorful swirls and designs of glittered and shinny lines covering my skin. It's all so beautiful I almost don't want to move so I don't mess any of it up.

I take a deep breath pushing down the warm fuzzy feeling tugging at my chest whenever I think of the artist who used me as his canvas. I'm at work, and I really need this job, so thats where my focus needs to lie. 'Jesus, this is going to be a long night.'

 

>>>>

 

~Sehun~

My eyes follow his every movement, watching as the strobe and black lights from the club reflect off of not only the designs covering his lower abdomen and thighs, but how his natural milky white skin aluminates, as if he's an angel giving off his own heavenly glow.

"You're staring" Jiyong mentions, shaking the devil out of a silver tumbler, filled with the table full of drunk college girls' fifth round, that finds it absolutely hilarious to pinch at my ass and call me sweetie pie every time I go over to their table.

"I'm just keeping an eye on the new guy" I defend, my eyes finding their way back to my angel.

Jiyong snorts "sure, and that table full of plastered twenty something's, are just trying to make sure that your ass keeps good form"

I roll my eyes "ok, fine, maybe I'm staring, but look at how perfect he is" I say gesturing towards said boy who is following Yixing around like an excited puppy at the toy shop, or maybe Tao following Kris around the mall.

Jiyong shakes his head, having a good laugh at my expense "you've got it bad man, I think the last time I heard someone talk like that was when I was listening to my dork of a brother fawn over how perfect Chanyeol looks in a pair of dark rimmed glasses, and you see how whipped that boy is"

I sigh and grab the tray of drinks Jiyong just finished making and glance over at the table they're meant for, cringing as the girls start squealing and blowing kisses my way. I shiver and turn back to Jiyong who gives me an amused and overly sweet smile, once again finding humor in my pain.

I find Luhan easily enough and motion my head in his direction "well if that little Bambi decides to let me be his, then bitch put a cherry on top of me because I'll gladly be whipped for that boy"

I nod once and start carefully maneuvering toward the table of doom, starting to play darth vaders theme song in my head, but before I do I catch a small word of "virgins" slip out of Jiyong's mouth, making me trip up slightly, but i manage to catch myself and move forward once again, hearing a short snort over my shoulder.

I take a deep breath, refusing to let the bartender get to me. Luhan in my eyes is worth anything I needed to do to get him, even if he makes a bitch out of me, I'd welcome it just to be with my little deer.

>>>>

~Luhan~

I can feel his eyes practically setting my skin aflame from here. He hasn't stopped looking at me all night, and for some reason that makes my skin tingle in a way it shouldn't be. I'm trying my best to concentrate, I'm trying my best to not fuck my first night on my job up, but I can't seem to get a certain someone -who isn't making it easy with the looks he keeps shooting me- out of my head.

At the end of our shift and the club is closing down, I head to the dressing room, ready to peel off this ridiculous uniform and put back on my normal cloths again. I'm exhausted, I want to just collapse onto my bed, and sleep for a week straight.

"So Luhan? How did you get this job?" Yixing asks me, as we shuffle inside the small changing area.

"My dad had a connection with Siwon, something about being an old college buddy with someone close to our boss" I answer, shrugging my shoulders "when he found out I was transferring, he called him up and hooked me up with this job, so I'll have a way to provide for myself while I'm here"

Yixing stills glancing at me "how long are you here for?"

"Only for two semesters, and of course the summer, but it really depends, this is my last year at university and after I graduate, I have no idea where I'll end up" 

Yixing nods, seeming deep in thought "then you're in the same year as Yifan hyung" 

I lift an eyebrow "sounds Chinese"

Yixing smiles enthusiastically at the mention of his friend and I can see the fondness in his eyes for the man "he is, his family moved here when he was still in high school"

I smile "that's awesome, so I have another Chinese friend now"

Yixing chuckles "you'll have one more too, his boyfriend Zitao, whom we all call Tao is also Chinese, he's lived here since he was a kid off and on though"

I beam, recognizing the name "Huang Zitao?"

Yixing lifts an eyebrow "you know Tao?"

I nod "yeah, I met him my first week here at university, he's really cool, talks a lot and kind of acts like a little kid, but I like him"

Yixing snorts "yep, that's Tao, just wait till you meet the other guys, they're not Chinese, but trust me they'll quickly become family to you"

I'm about to reply, but Yixings attention is pulled to something over my shoulder and he smiles, like a mother watching their kid do something adorable. I turn around and find Sehun with his head pulled to the floor and his hand clutching at his bag, while shuffling his feet. The shyness of the act is so incredibly cute, I almost reach out to coo and pet at the boy, but luckily I stop myself. 

"Yes Sehun?" I ask, thanking the heavens my voice doesn't waver.

Sehun glances up, surprise at being addressed written all of his face, then turns a pretty red shade and finds the floor really interesting again "I-I was wondering if- if I could walk you back to your dorm"

I blink at him, a million refusals and rejections running through my head that I could use to get out of this, but all that comes out is "sure" 'intelligent Luhan, real intelligent'

>>>>

"You know, you're the younger one, I should be walking you home" I say as we quietly walk back to my dorm, after I got changed and we clocked out.

Sehun chuckles slightly "trust me, I know my way around campus and I have eight older brothers that people know not to screw with... so I'm a little better off than you"

I smile at that "right, the fraternity... what's it called again?"

"EXO, it's actually pretty well known on campus" he says, his pride in the house completely evident.

"So why did you join a fraternity? You don't really seem like the group activities type" I ask, hoping I'm not being too personal.

Sehun shrugs as if to cast it off as no big deal, but I can see a shadow momentarily enter his eyes while his mind goes to a dark place "I used to be, but I guess after a while I became someone that's hard for people to approach. I still have my hyung's from high school though, they took care of me and convinced me to join the fraternity when I started school this year"

I think back, remembering the way Yixing and Baekhyun seemed to dote and look after Sehun all night. I could tell that they really loved the boy, almost treating him like their own son, and it almost seems like Sehun wants them to treat him like that. (well maybe not Baekhyun, since he kept threatening to Sparta the shit out of him, if he kept calling him cute pet names) it really makes me wonder why Sehun is taken care of the way he is. Doesn't his parents coddle him? Doesn't his parents take care of him?

"Here we are" Sehun says, surprising me, making me flinch slightly.

I glance up and notice we're at my dorm already "oh... my dorm, that was quicker that I expected"

Sehun gives me an amused grin "what did you want to spend more time with me?"

I watch the way Sehun's eyes light up with confidence in almost a second, and it makes me think that it doesn't happen often. This inner confidence that he's showing right now, doesn't make an appearance a lot, and that makes me almost upset. Sehun is a beautiful boy, with a funny sense of humor and an amazing sense of maturity for his age.

I finally stop fighting the urge I've been having all night and reach out, placing my hand to cup his cheek. Almost in a instant that confidence fades, replaced with an unsure, and shy boy, who can barely look me in the eyes. 'someone messed you up bad, didn't they?'

>>>>

~Sehun~

His hand reaches for my face, and it almost seems in slow motion. When he finally touches me, caressing my cheek in the most tender of touches, I almost want to cry. The contact almost burns, but in a good way, the way that makes you feel alive and loved.

"Luhan" I whisper, my lip trembling.

I watch as his beautiful doe eyes widen, then he wraps his arms around my shoulders and brings me close to him, but only for a second before he's pulling away, like any longer would kill him.

"Goodnight, Sehun, get home safely" he says without looking in my eyes, then walks inside without looking back. 

My chest tightens with an intense need to meet his eyes one more time, just to see that beautiful almond brown of his irises staring at me in that kind and concerned way he just did. It's an odd need, one that leaves me uncertain about my mental health, but it's a feeling nevertheless that quickly imbeds itself into my bones. I need to feel that Luhan really cares for me, that he really cares about my wellbeing and happiness.

But I know that that's too much to ask out of someone i just met, out of someone who barely knows me. Though I feel safe with Luhan, I feel happy, and cared for, he doesn't know anything about me, nor I anything about him. I know better than to seek comfort from a person who I haven't earned it form yet, but this need to be close to him, this need to feel loved by him is too strong to ignore.

My eyes drop to the ground as I walk home, my feet shuffle along the sidewalk in a noisy rebellion of refusal to pick them up properly, and my chest constricts in a deliciously painful way, reminding me that my heart can still feel.

When I enter the house, it's quiet, everyone has gone to bed, or are already in their rooms for the night. I head straight to my room, but stop one door before my own. I fidgit nervously, and lick at my lips, mulling over the idea, before I actually decided to open the door.

The room is completely dark, besides the glow of a laptop screen, lighting up the bed against the far wall. Yixing is fast asleep, his head pillowed by his arm, facing the computer screen that he clearly fell asleep looking at.

I shake my head and walk over to the bed, carefully removing the laptop and setting it closed on his desk. I move over to the bed, making sure to take off my bag and my pants, then I proceed to climb onto the bed, pulling the blanket over both of us.

Yixing stirs and blinks his eyes open, staring at me for a couple seconds before opening his arms and gesturing me forward. I bury my head in his chest as his arms wrap around me tightly, adding the much needed pressure and comfort around my body.

Wordlessly he pets my hair as I fall into a deep and restful sleep, filled with a family of little deer's, a family in which no one gets left or forgotten, and love is given unconditionally.


	6. First Re-encounters (Xiuchen)

~Jongdae~

To: Chennie   
From: Chanyeol 

Hyung, where are you? You're still coming right?

I grin down at my phone at the incoming text from one of my boys, feeling a little bubble of excitement push on the inside of my chest. This is the first time the boys have invited me to join them in their weekly coffee meetings. I don't mind though, being their house dad is stressful enough, but I'm glad they're finally taking a liking to me. I was so worried when I first moved here about getting along with the boys, hoping they can look up to me and see me as their hyung, not just their house dad.

I remember back when I was in school, we hated our house dad, he was so strict and we never got to get away with anything. I want to be different for them, I want these boys- who are quickly becoming little brothers to me- to enjoy their college year, to live it up in their twenties.

But with saying that, I also want them to find their paths, to find the right direction for their lives. My college days were a mess, I was a mess. The only things I seemed to concentrate on was how much alcohol I could consume in one night and who would end up in my bed at the end of it. I don't want that for these boys, I want to help guide them to something better, so they can have better. It was a miracle I graduated back then and maybe if I had someone beside me to tell me what not to do with their stories of failure, maybe I wouldn't have had to fall so hard.

I make it to the coffee shop reading the sign above the door 'El Dorado Café'  
I smile at the name remembering a time back in college that is dear to me, but quickly shake it off. I look into the large window covering the front of the shop and find my boys, crowded around a table, sharing a laugh. The image makes me smile, and I start to walk forward to join them.

I stop in my tracks though once I see him, a particular person I was unsure that I would ever see again, let alone find him on this campus. His face is nothing but an angelic image, just as I had remembered it. Kim Minseok, the cute little guy who I regret not getting closer too back in college. We were in the same fraternity, but he was always running off to different places, and I was always waking up in different places... I never got to spend any time with him, which is a shame because I always found him to be adorable and really sweet.

There was that one time where I though something was going to happen, but I lost my shot at the last minute, and to this day it remains as one of my biggest regrets. I push that memory out of my head, there's no sense in bringing up the past right now anyways.

I take a deep breath and walk inside the warm coffee house, excited to be reunited with an old friend, and hoping he'll feel the same.

>>>>

~Minseok~

"Hyung, quit messing around over there and come join us" Kyunsoo says, motioning me over with a wave.

I chuckle, shaking my head at the boy "I'm just trying to get you guys some snacks"

Kyungsoo laughs and gets up from his seat "i can get those, go sit down. You dote on us way to much"

I roll my eyes and pat the little owl boy on the head "it's my job as the oldest to take care of my dongsangs"

"And it's our job to take care of our hyung, especially a hyung who has been working all day and deserves a good break" Chanyeol comes over and guides me to the table "and our house dad is coming over to join us, I think you two will really hit it off"

I raise an eyebrow, shooting the boy an incredulous look "Park Chanyeol, are you trying to set me up?"

Chanyeol smiles his signature face splitting grin "i'm just saying you two have a lot in common, and I think you'd make good friends... where it goes from there is up to you guys"

"Oh my god" I groan placing my head on the table as we sit down "this is not happening"

"Oh look there he is, Chen over here" Chanyeol calls, then leans down to whisper in my ear "come on hyung, give it a shot, Chen is a really good guy and he's also really good looking too"

I feel a nervous heat spread across my face and I bury my head in my arms 'please tell me this isn't happening, lord please tell me Chanyeol isn't this stupid'

"Hey guys, how was everyone's day?" a hauntingly familiar voice asks from beside me.

My head shoots off the table and I spin around wide eyed, looking the stranger from head to toe. He looks a bit older and maybe a bit skinnier than he was back in our collage years, but he's still the same boy that I remember, he's still the same guy I was in love with for four years while I was going through school. His eyes find mine quickly and he smiles that same chisire cat smile, he always used to. A smile that made my heart beat erratically in my chest and a smile that I've seen a million times in my dreams since we graduated.

"Hey Minseok, it's been a long time" he comments, resting his full attention to me

I blink at him 'holy shit he remembers me, how is this even possible?' "hey, Jongdae... yeah it has" I thank whatever higher power supplied my mouth with the ability to form words, while my brain seems to be slowly collapsing in on itself.

"It's good to see you, you look good" he says, seeming to let his gaze travel down my body before reconnecting back to my eyes. An act that almost seemed like he was checking me out, but that's not possible, Jongdae barely knew I existed back in collage, let alone held an interest in me. Well there was that one night, but it meant nothing to him, and I'm sure he doesn't even remember it.

"You two know each other?" Chanyeol asks, and I can feel the rest of the tables focus pinned on us.

"Yeah, we were in Exo together back when we went here... though we weren't that close" Chen answers.

I nod "we kind of ran in different circles"

Jongdae's smile falters a bit "but we were sort of friends"

I clear my throat, and look away, turning back around in my seat "sort of"

Chanyeol and Tao eyes me as Jongdae takes the seat next to mine. I just sit rigidly, focusing on trying to breath normally, and keeping my eyes off of the man next to me.

"This is a nice coffee shop, I've never been here, normally I just go over to the Starbucks close to the fraternity" Chen mentions, then smiles to himself as if he knows something no one else does "I really like the name though, reminds me of a good memory"

I halt at that and suck in a small bit of air, refusing to look next to me at the man who seems to be producing a type of electricity that is passing between us. What exactly is he referring to as a good memory? Could he possibly remember that night?

Kris laughs and throws an arm around Tao "it's Minseok's place actually, he owns it, though he's never explained the meaning of the name even with us asking repeatedly"

Chen stills and glances at me "really? so you actually fulfilled your dream of owning a café?" his words come out a little horse, like he just got done choking.

I swallow the thick lump in my throat, how did he know that this was my dream? I don't remember ever telling him, or actually saying more than a couple sentences to him... well except for... "yeah, it was something I needed to do"

The edges of Jongdae's lips perk up "that's great, Minseok. I'm really happy for you"

I nod, licking my lips nervously "and I've told you guys, the story behind the name is something that doesn't need to be explained... it's something that belongs in the past" I see Jongdae frown at this, but I push it away and stand "who needs a refill? Or anything from the kitchen?"

I can see that Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are about to protest, but then see the distress in my eyes and decide to keep their mouths shut about it, and instead offer to help, following me to the kitchen. The walk there feels torturous, taking too long and not long enough all at the same time.

Once the door to the kitchen is shut behind us, they pounce on me, armed with question after question, making me feel like this is more of an integration rather than a conversation, and i'm struck with the sudden thought that these two would be good in law enforcement.

"What the hell was that? You two knew each other? Was there something going on between you two back then? There was an awful lot of chemistry between you two for there not to have been" Kyungsoo implores, those large round eyes boring into me making it impossible to look away.

"Yeah, seriously, I could literally feel the connection between you two, is there something going on that we don't know about? How come you never told us about him? What happened to your great lost love?" Chanyeol pushes with his own curiosity.

I sigh, ready to just give up and come out with it "Jongdae is my great lost love, he was that guy that I was in love with but never got a chance to tell"

"That was Chen?" Chanyeol asks, his eyes bulging to Kyungsoo levels.

I sigh "back then he was called Jongdae, he never even payed the slightest bit of attention to me" abruptly I think back to everything Jongdae just said and the way he spoke about the past, almost as if he saw more than I gave him credit for "or at least I thought he didn't"

Kyungsoo shakes his head "I don't know hyung, he seemed pretty interested out there, like I'm even sure he checked you out"

I shrug "it doesn't matter, I told you guys, I'm not looking for love. I'm not willing to put my heart back out there, especially not for the guy who broke it in the first place"

Chanyeol reaches out and grabs my hand gently "just because you're not looking for it, doesn't mean it's not looking for you. Maybe all you need is to give Jongdae a shot, besides it's not like he broke your heart on purpose. You never told him how you felt, so how was he suppose to know not to hurt you?"

I blink at him, dumbfounded by the words coming out of this boys mouth "wow Channie, that was deep"

Chanyeol smiles shyly and lifts an indifferent shoulder "I have my moments"

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes "anyways, we're just saying, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to get to know him, be friends at least"

I pout out my bottom lip, and turn on my best puppy eyes, a face I know they can't refuse "but he's still so cute, and God have you heard that voice, it still makes my damn knees weak... don't make me go back out there"

Chanyeol steps back and gasps "Soo, he's using the pouty face, make it stop"

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes "Minseok hyung, stop being a little bitch and get out there, sit next to that little piece of man candy and make him fall in love with you before I actually give you something to pout about"

I drop my pout immediately and blink at him. I forgot about the power of Satan Soo, the only immunity to my aegyo. 

"You're being mean" I say, furrowing my eyebrows.

"And you're being a pansy ass, now go"

I huff "fine, but I'm going to sulk the whole time"

Chanyeol laughs, ushering us out of the kitchen "compromise, this is good, this is progress"

>>>>

~Jongdae~

The rest of the evening was a little awkward, after Minseok and the other boys came back out of the kitchen, I sensed something had happened. It's almost like something was said that made Minseok close in on himself because the rest of the time, he sat next to me with his arms across his chest and an adorable little pout plastered on his lips.

Normally I would be obsessing at how cute he is and trying to get him to smile or at least come out of his shell, but I can't help but feel that his actions are aimed at me. 

I was so excited to see Minseok when I first noticed him outside through the window, but now that I get the impression that those feelings aren't mutual, all I feel like, is an intruder. Like I don't belong here, having coffee with these boys.

Maybe there's only room for one hyung in this group and Minseok doesn't want me taking his boys away from him, or maybe he doesn't think I'm a good influence for them. Honestly, with the way that I acted back in college, I wouldn't blame him for thinking that way, but it still hurts to think he doesn't trust me.

After and hour or so of feeling like an outsider, listening to the boys talk but never actually contributing. I decide its time for me to just to remove myself from the awkward atmosphere.

"Well guys it's getting late, I should really get back to the house, I have some paperwork to go over before tomorrow still" I mention, gaining everyone's attention.

"What? You just got here" Yixing complains, giving me a worried look, and getting agreed complaints from everyone else.

I smile and wave them off "oh it's fine, I'm just really tired, and like I said I have some things to do"

"Come on Chen, stay for at least a couple more minutes, Kyungsoo baked a really good cake for tonight" Tao tries his own tactic of luring me back with food.

I shake my head, appreciating the attempts, but remaining firm in my decision "I'm not really in the mood for sweets, I really should go. I'll see you guys back at the house, ok?" I don't wait for their answer, instead I get up and head towards the door, giving one last glance at Minseok before stepping outside, noticing that it's a little colder than when I entered the coffee shop.

>>>>

~Minseok~

"Minseok what is up with you?" Tao questions me once Jongdae disappears out of sight "you've been sulking all night, and you never sulk"

I shrug, feigning innocence "I don't know what you're talking about"

"You're kind of acting dickish hyung" Baekhyung adds his opinion, which is never wanted, but always annoyingly honest "I mean it was clear that Chen wanted nothing more than to catch up with you and talk to you, but you just shut him out and pouted all night"

"Minnie hyung can't help it, he's being defensive about his broken heat" Kyungsoo replies before I have to.

"What broken heart? What are you talking about?" Yixing asks confused, which, unfortunately, isn't always rare for him. bless his heart.

"The story of the guy that Minseok hyung was in love with back in college, the one we've all heard... well that guy was Jongdae" Chanyeol buts in this time.

"No way" Tao says bouncing in his seat, clapping his hands excitedly, making the rest of us confused by his actions "that's fantastic, it means that you have a second chance. Oh how romantic, a love that is thought to be lost, but comes back years later to reclaim its rightful home"

I roll my eyes "I don't want to fall in love with Jongdae again, I just want him to disappear from my life as quickly as he's re-entered it"

Tao gives me a pointed look "you don't want to fall in love again? Or you don't want to get hurt again?"

I blink at him a couple time and swallow thickly "isn't it the same thing?"

Yixing sighs, placing his cheek on his hand, with his elbow resting on the table, almost reminiscent of a princess pose "he messed you up bad, didn't he hyung?"

I advert my gaze away from the rest of the boys and breath out deeply "I just want to act like this night never happened, I just want to forget that Kim Jongdae ever walked back into my life. Can you guys do that for me?"

I recive mostly a couple nods and agreeing grunts from the other boys, but when I catch the narrowed and thoughtful eyes of Tao and Baekhyun across the table, I know that it's not going to be that easy.

>>>>

I'm cleaning up after the boys left, but I can't seem to make my mind focus on anything I'm doing because every turn my thoughts take leads me back to Jongdae.

I laugh bitterly 'it took you years to get that boy out of your head, now we are right back where we started'

I'm about to just say screw it and call it a night, deciding to clean up when I come in tomorrow morning, but I stop abruptly when I notice something hanging from a chair. I walk over to it, only to suck in a sharp breath when I realize what it is.

Jongdae's jacket, lays across the back of the seat he sat at hours before. A light, but thick looking, dark leather jacket. I pad over and hesitantly pick my hand up, letting my fingers glide over the smooth texture, the coolness beneath my touch sending slight shivers though my body.

Jongdae's worn this jacket, and from the looks of its condition, multiple times. I grab onto the jacket and pick it up, slowly bringing it towards my face and inhaling deeply. It even smells so much like Jongdae, a warm, but spicy sort of smell that has me addicted to the comfort it brings me.

I hug the jacket to my chest, thinking that I need to give it back to him, but my heart clenches at the idea of letting go of it so soon. I sigh and put the jacket on, figuring that at least I can keep it for tonight, then I can give it to one of the boys to give to Jongdae.

I set to sweeping, an almost high feeling taking me over from the intoxicating smell that steadily invades me from the jacket, which is a bit large on my small frame, but comfortable nonetheless.

"You know, I have half a mind to let you keep that, since you look so good in it" a voice, that voice says from behind me.

I freeze instantly, even air refuses to enter or exit my lungs. How did I not here him come in? And more importantly what is he doing here this late?

"But, that does happen to be my favorite jacket, so I would kind of like it back if you don't mind" he says, a slight bit of amusement hanging in his voice.

I swallow thickly, hoping to God the burning in my cheeks doesn't look as bad as it feels. I turn around and nod at him, starting to take his jacket off.

"Slowly" he says, from his position leaning against the wall by the door.

My eyebrows knit together and I blink at him "excuse me?"

He smirks slightly, his eyes dancing with a fire I've only seen once before "it's an old jacket, wouldn't want it ripping"

I wet my suddenly too dry lips "right" then slowly slide his jacket off, his eyes watching me with an animal like concentration. I reach out my hand for him to come take the jacket from me, and he pushes off the wall, sauntering over to me.

Jongdae smiles wickedly "I'm curious though, why did you put it on?"

I gape my mouth open, moving it like a fish trying to breath "I... it smelled good" I mentally kick myself in the ass for that one, 'real intelligent Minseok, why don't you just come out and say his voice alone could get you hard'

Jongdae's smile turns softer "so you're saying, I smell good?"

I clear my throat "I-i don't know, uh, sure"

Jongdae steps closer to me and places his hands on the sides of my waist, pulling me to him "go ahead, tell me, take a good smell"

Without really thinking I take in a large breath, overloading my senses with Jongdae. His smell alone is addicting, but now with his hands on me setting fire to my body, and just him being this close, it makes me slightly dizzy.

Jongdae suddenly laughs and steps back "well?"

I nod "yeah, y-you smell good"

He beams at me "it a cologne I've been wearing since high school, it's my favorite, but I heard a while ago that they were going to stop making it, so I went and bought like an entire case of... and I.. I don't know why I just told you that" he says scratching at the back of his neck, laughing nervously. The predator from earlier disappearing in a flash, like that person never even existed.

To my surprise I feel the corners of my lips lift and a slight chuckle leave my lips, to which he stares at me shocked as if I am incapable of such a thing.

Jongdae places a hand on my arm, giving it a gentle squeeze "you look good when you smile Minnie"

I groan internally 'don't call me that, it only makes everything harder'

"T-thanks"

Jongdae nods and let's go of me, much to my unneeded disappointment "well, I'll just get going, thanks for keeping my jacket warm"

My cheeks heat up again and I duck my head down, just nodding at him. I hear him get closer to the door, but don't hear the jingle of the bell, which prompts me to look up and meet eyes with him.

"Seriously Minseok, it was really good to see you again" he offers me one last Jongdae signature smile, then leaves, no trace of what just happened ever existing. But that spicy sweet smell that hangs in the air, that smell that wraps around me like a warm safety blanket, assuring me that Kim Jongdae is in fact back in my life, whether I want him here or not, remains.

>>>>

~Jongdae~

I walk down the street, thinking about what just happened. Maybe I had read all of this wrong, maybe Minseok doesn't hate me, maybe it's just the opposite.

I noticed back in college the way he looked at me, I saw the way he seemed to yearn to be close to me. Truthfully, I was just waiting for him to make a move, because every time I attempted one of my own he ran away like a frightened wild bunny. 

I was disappointed and slightly sad when we graduated and nothing ever came of us, we weren't even friends really. I guess I could have made more of an effort to get to know him, but I was stupid back then, and it's possible that a part of me wasn't sure I could be the guy he deserved.

I guess it's possible to say that I had a small crush on Minseok back then, but I was too much of a coward to think that he would actually like the person he found underneath the forced smiles and stupid jokes. I always thought that the boy was too good for me, he was always smarter, friendlier, and just all around better, I never wanted to ruin that.

I kept my distance back then because I knew I didn't deserve to have him, but it's amazing what a reality check can do for a boy straight out of collage, who finds out there's more to life than partying and getting laid. Minseok was kind of my wake up call, after I graduated and lost my chance with him, I realized that I wanted to be the guy that deserved to be with someone as amazing as him. I wanted to be the guy that someone like Minseok would be proud to have next to them.

I just hope that the person I managed to become is good enough for him, because in my eyes Minseok is perfect in almost every way. So maybe it was a bit more than just a crush and maybe... just maybe this is my second chance, this is my chance to have what I've never allowed myself to want, and maybe, just maybe Minseok will want me too, flaws and all.

I feel a small smile tug at my lips as I walk down the street towards EXO, I pull my jacket on, breathing in the new smell that has now taken over my jacket. A wonderful smell, that i never want to fade. One of coffee and pastries, one of Kim Minseok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an interesting story planned for Minseok and Jongdae, it's going to be cute and sickeningly fluffy, with some slight angst. I hope you guys will love it and treat it well. But just the same for the others, it's just the beginning so there's not much to talk about, though if you have any questions, comments, concerns... you know the drill, my message box is always open!!


	7. Comfortable isn't always a good thing (Taoris)

~Kris~ 

"Baby... wake up" a whiny voice breaks into my sleep fog.

"Just a couple more minutes, Tao" I mumble and pull the blankets up tighter around me.

"Baby, come on, play with me" Tao urges, pressing his hands against my lower back, kneeding the flesh there almost like a cat would.

I groan and roll over grabbing onto Tao and pulling him to my chest, trapping him against me, making his struggles useless. After a couple minutes of trying to free himself, he stops and goes limp in my arms, huffing out a large annoyed breath.

"Seriously, I have a class in an hour and we haven't had sex in almost a week, can you at least let me go so I can go jack off or something?" He growls, the vibrations from his chest reverberating through my own.

I feel more awake at this and shuffle closer to him, feeling the obvious cause of this early wake up. Tao whines when I add pressure to his rock hard bulge, and he starts to rut against me.

"I'm curious did you wake up hard or did you get yourself there?" I ask taking my time to tease him.

Tao whimpers "half and half"

"What did you use to get yourself the rest of the way?" I question, nosing around the base of his neck an action that has him swallowing hard.

"I fingered myself" he answers in a breathless moan, pressing himself to me, seeking more friction.

I chuckle as I let my hand slide down his waist, resting it in the crook of his right thigh, ignoring his attempts to bring it closer to his hardness "What did you imagine while your fingers were deep inside of your tight little hole?" 

Tao breaths in a shaky breath "I watched some porn"

I raise an eyebrow and pull away "really?"

Tao blinks at me, confused by my actions "yeah, do you have a problem with porn?"

I shake my head "well no, but you use to be able to just get off by the sound of my voice, now you have to use porn to get hard?"

"We've been together for a long time, Kris. You can't expect us to be in that insatiable honeymoon period forever, i still find your voice and you attractive... I just need something a little more than my imagination sometimes"

I nod at this, a little distracted by the feeling of uncertainty that's been lodged in my chest lately. I mean, I still love Tao just as I always have, i just don't feel that connection between us like I use to... it almost feels like something important is slipping away, I just don't know what. 'I wonder if he feels the distance too?'

"Now come on, I don't have much time" Tao reaches down and pulls his sweatpants to his ankles "I've already prepared myself, so we can just get to it"

I swallow hard as Tao turns over on his stomach, pushing his round little ass up in the air. A sight I'm trying very hard not to feel aroused by, but failing miserably with. Tao has always been nothing short of addicting to me, even now after many years together I can get hard at the sight of his naked ass as I could in the beginning, but now it's different, now it doesn't feel like a desperate need like it did back then. I guess I can call it comfortable and familiar the way I feel about Tao now. 

We aren't the horny little teenagers who want to get into each other's pants ever second of every day, who can get off just by thinking of the other even in general ways, or who feel like suffocating without a day of touching the other. We've been through that phase already and though it's a sign that we're evolving and maturing as a couple, I can't help but miss that animalistic type hunger that we used to carry for one another. I miss needing to touch Tao just to go through a single hour without him, I miss wanting to just ravish Tao for hours, living behind multiple marks just to remind him that he is mine.

But as I'm sliding into Tao, feeling him bucking against me in synch with my thrusts, I have to remind myself that this is comfortable, this is what love after multiple years is. We don't feel desperate for one another because we know where we stand together.

>>>>

~Tao~

"Why exactly, did you ask me out for lunch?" I ask while walking to the cafe with Baekhyun.

Baekhyun shrugs to act indifferent but I know there's a reason behind this.

"Baek?" I push.

Baekhyun sighs "Chanyeol doesn't have any morning classes today, so he took an earlier shift and we can't do lunch like we normally do... so-"

"So, I'm your backup plan? I'm your second choice when your first couldn't make it?" I narrow my eyes at him, not knowing whether to laugh or hit him.

Baekhyun smiles playfully "third, Yixing had class"

I roll my eyes and decide it's not worth the fight, which, he'd probably win anyways after I'd give up when I got tired of his stubbornness "ok, you can't have lunch with him, so we're just going to the cafe to, what? Make goggly eyes at the giant while we eat?"

Baekhyun shakes his head "no, I just like the food, where we eat has nothing to do with Chanyeol"

I roll my eyes again, beginning to think I'm going to be doing this a lot today "sure"

"So how was morning sex with Kris?" Baekhyun asks, giving me a sly and knowing smile, obviously diverging the subject away from himself.

I sigh, indifferent to the question since Baekhyun is way more involved in my sex life than he should be "the same as usual"

Baekhyun cringes "sounds exciting"

I roll my eyes "we've been together since highschool, Baek. It doesn't need to be exciting anymore, and plus we've both been really busy, there's no time to act out a freakin romance novel"

Baekhyun raises an eyebrow as we walk into the cafe and slide into our normal booth "that sounds a lot like what couples say right before they're signing divorce papers"

"Good afternoon, Baek" Chanyeol says coming up to greet his best friend "and good afternoon to you too, Tao"

I nod and wave him off "don't pretend like you actually want to talk to me, I know you only have eyes for Baekhyun"

Chanyeol clears his throat shifting awkwardly and Baek shoots me a warning glare "oh come on Taozie, I love you too, Baek is just..."

I breath out annoyed at how clueless these two are with each other. Honestly, I would have told them a long time ago about their mutual feelings if it wasn't so funny watching them go through awkward and uncomfortable situations, but now it's just getting annoying.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, childhood besties, always stuck at the hip, I got it" I say with a wave of my hand, dismissing the need for further explanation.

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow then turns a questioning glance at Baekhyun "don't mind him, he had boring sex this morning is all"

"Ah, yep that'll do it... the usual guys?" Chanyeol asks clearly very uncomfortable talking about this subject matter since he's so close with Kris. 'at least one person knows what boundaries are'

I blink at the boy across from me who apparently doesn't have a filter, after his awkward mess of a best friend leaves to get our orders "its not like that, we're just comfortable with each other now, we're just..."

"Boring, stale, stagnant, face it Taozie, you are one adjective away from being an elderly couple. You two are in your twenties, you should be fucking each other's brains out, not settling down into a sex life of a middle aged married couple in the suburbs" Baek gives me a pointed look, saying everything I have thought myself more than once.

I sigh and rest my head on my palm "why can't you just let me be in my middle aged relationship, then?"

Baek reaches across the table, taking my free hand "because most people refuse to recognize this before it's to late, but you have a chance to step it up, babes. Get that relationship back on track before it derail's and kills everyone on board"

I shake my head "how though? How am I suppose to reclaim a sex life we have no time for?"

Baekhyun shakes his head at me "Taozie, my sweet baby Taozie, do you remember the last couple of years of high school? You two were so busy with student council and all of your sports teams and clubs I have no idea how you did it all, yet you still found time to go at it like rabbits. Come on, Tao, not having time is just an excuse"

I close my eyes tight, recognizing that he has a point, and already kicking myself in the ass for basically admitting it "ok, the first step to solving a problem is admitting there is one, right?"

Baek nods at me with a triumphant smile on his face "yes"

I roll my eyes, once again "fine, it's been way to long since Kris has fucked me into an oblivion, and I miss it, I miss our old sex life. Are you happy, you nosy little bitch?"

Baekhyun lets go of my hand and claps happily "this is great, Tao. You are on your way to recovery"

"So how am I suppose to get us back on track then?" 

Baekhyun smiles a creepy wide smile, that I swear to god he's picked up from Chanyeol "oh, I have some ideas"

I swallow thickly, feeling like I just signed my soul over to the devil, but at least the devil will know how to get me laid properly.

>>>>

~Kris~

"So what you're saying is, you two are in a rut?" Junmyeon asks continuing to stare at his notebook and write notes from the professors lecture.

I nod "yeah, but it's not a bad one, its comfortable, it's safe"

Junmyun rolls his eyes "Kris, theoretically those are great qualities to have in a relationship, but in actuality, they suck, relationships crave that spark, that fire that burns your insides and makes you feel alive, you two are on a slow track to crashing... and trust me the aftermath won't be pretty"

I sigh "but isn't a relationship after so many years suppose to be like this, we're not hormonal teenagers anymore, shouldn't it feel like this? There isn't a need to go at each other like animals, there isn't a need for us to constantly want to fuck each other"

A girl in front of us, who's probably been ease dropping on our conversation, turns around slightly giving us a disturbed look. But she is quickly turned around when Junmyun shoots her a look that says 'can I help your nosy ass?' 

I chuckle at it, loving Junmyun's protective side "listen, Kris. We're pretty decent friends now, so I'm going to go ahead and be honest with you, this early in a relationship is not a good place to start throwing around words like comfortable and familiar, you might as well be saying boring and unsatisfactory"

"So this is a problem?"

Junmyun nods and pats my hand "this is definitely a problem, one that you can fix by just talking to each other, doing some things to get that spark back. Somewhere along the way you two let the importance of your relationship slip behind other things... now you have to make it number one"

I breath out "what if he doesn't want to try?"

Junmyun glances at me, sympathy deep in his eyes "then he believes that there is nothing to try for, and you two are already over... that my friend, would be the time to let go"

I swallow thickly "I don't want to lose him, Junnie"

Junmyun smiles sweetly "then fight for him, big guy"

I tap my pencil on my note pad, thinking of what I can do. I love Tao so much, he's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, he's everything to me. I don't want to lose him but the thought that I already have started to, scares the living shit out of me. I don't know how just yet, but I will get Tao back, I will rebuild our relationship to the point where it will never break again.

I smirk a little feeling better after this talk "seriously, Junmyun. You need to meet my friends, they will love you"

Junmyun puts on a smirk of his own as if he's enjoying a joke I didn't hear "eventually, there's some things I have to take care of first"

I want to ask him what he means, but Junmyun's always been like this and I know I won't get any more information than this out of him. I shrug and turn back to the professor, pretending to pay attention, but I can't seem to when ideas of what I can do to save my and Tao's relationship, takes over every available thinking space in my head.

>>>>

~Tao~

"Absolutely not" I shriek at the mere suggestion of what Baek wants me to do.

"Come on, this is one of the most proven ways to get someone's attention" Baekhyun explains.

I shake my head "no absolutely not, you know how jealous Kris is. Do you remember that guy on the opposing team from the soccer finals back in high school, the one who kept flirting with me and smacked my ass at the end of the game instead of my hand. Kris nearly sent that guy to the hospital back then, Baek"

Baekhyun smiles that creepy smile again "fantastic, then he'll go absolutely insane if you seem like you're showing interest too"

I shake my head, drawing my eyebrows together "I can't do this to him"

"Listen, if I may interject, I promise to be a total gentleman, and if Kris does beat me up, I won't press charges" the guy that Baekhyun brought in speaks up.

I cock my head to the side "why are you so willing to help anyways? It's almost like you want to get your ass kicked by my boyfriend"

The guy chuckles "call me a hopeless romantic I guess. And I've seen you two together, you have such a strong connection, I'd hate to see you lose it, plus you might actually help me too"

"What do you mean?" I ask intrigued by what this guy will get out of this.

He smirks "I'm in love with my best friend, but he doesn't really notice me as more, I was hoping that at the same time we are making your boyfriend jealous, we could make him jealous too"

I feel the corners of my lips lift slightly "so you want to help each other, you get something out of this too?"

The guy nods "yes, let's benefit each other from some harmless flirting, and hey, we might actually become friends in the end"

I chuckle and sit back against my chair, glancing up at the counter, where Minseok is giving me the hurry up signal, so I can get back to work "ok, fine, let's do this, but I can't guarantee that you won't get hit"

He chuckles and nods again "it would be an honor to be punched in the face by Wu Yi Fan"

I snort, and hold out my hand "what's your name again?"

"Jonghyun" he says as he takes my hand and gives it a shake.

I smirk "it'll be a pleasure working with you, Jonghyun"

>>>>

~Kris~

I let out a groan as I walk in the door, throwing off my shoes and jacket, then rolling my shoulders to loosen up my muscles. It has been a rough day, with me thinking about my relationship with Tao along with all of the duties i have on my plate with school, I'm exhausted.

I'm about to take the stairs when I hear the sounds of giggling coming from the dinning room. I check my watch, it's not time for the boys from SuJu to be home yet, and everyone else should be in bed.

I back track and head into the dinning room, surprised by what I find there. Tao is sitting at the table with someone I don't know, with a bunch of books scattered in front of them, talking and giggling with each other like little middle school girls.

I stand there for a few minutes watching them talk as if they've been friends since they were kids, confused about what's going on in front of me.

Tao glances at me and smiles happily, finally noticing my presence "hey Kris, how was your day?"

I clear my throat awkwardly "f-fine, long"

Tao nods "mine too"

I shift uncomfortably "who's this?"

Tao lifts an eyebrow then grins widely, his excitement stirring something in my gut, that I haven't had to feel in a long time "this is my new partner, Jonghyun"

My eyes widen "w-what?"

Tao giggles, placing a way to comfortable hand on Jonghyun's shoulder "my new partner, for this project we're working on in biology"

A bit of relief swarms through me, but not for long and Tao reaches over and touches the Jonghyun's ear.

"I love these earrings, where did you get them?" He asks, leaning way too close to the other.

Jonghyun giggles, giving Tao a dazzling smile "it's this new place in the mall, they have really cute jewelry, and its decently priced too"

Tao sits back and claps "oh I want to go, can we go? When's you next day off?"

Jonghyun beams, getting as excited as my boyfriend "tomorrow actually"

Tao bounces in his seat "you want to go shopping with me tomorrow then?"

"Yes" Jonghyun exclaims "that would be amazing"

Tao squeals and grabs the others arm sneezing it "then it's a date"

I clear my throat again and step forward "Tao, babe it's getting late, we should get some sleep, in our bed... which we share, in our room"

Tao looks up at me with an eyebrow cocked, before turning back to Jonghyun and ignoring me once again "ok, I'll be up in a few minutes, go ahead without me" 

I sigh, deciding to go ahead and up to the room. I trust Tao, and I know I'm just over reacting as usual. This is a weird feeling though, I haven't felt jealous in a long time, but as usual, I have no reason to be... At least I hope I don't.

I throw off my cloths and slid into bed, turning onto my side to stare hard at Tao's side of the bed. I reach up and turn the light off, hoping he'll hurry so I can have him close to me before I fall asleep.

>>>>

~Tao~

I hear the door to our bedroom close and I sigh, letting my head slump down to the table "did you see his face? That was horrible, I'm horrible"

Jonghyun pats my shoulder, reassuringly "but at least it's working, he's jealous that you seem so close to me, but he doesn't have that seed of doubt yet, we'll start planting it soon enough, just keep up the good work"

I nod "it's easy with you though, I actually kind of felt like we were friends"

Jonghyun grins "I don't see any reason why we can't be, I mean I would actually like to go shopping tomorrow and every time I take my best friend, he spends the whole trip talking about girls and how attracted he is to them"

I shake my head "ah, so we have a 'denial about being gay' case?"

He nods "I've known kibum since we were six, trust me, there isn't a straight bone in his body"

I chuckle "so we need to bring yours out of the closet, and mine out of his hole"

He nods and pats the back of my head in a surprisingly comforting gesture "there's a lot of work ahead of us, Taozie"

I smile lightly and reach over ruffling his hair "well we can at least have fun with it then"

Jonghyun snorts, picking up his books "oh, don't worry, this will be a blast" he winks at me before shoving his books into his bag "and just think we might actually become besties out of this"

"Hey that job is taken, thank you very much" Baekhyun asks coming into the room, covered in glitter and sweat as usual.

I roll my eyes "yes it is, by Sehun" I say gesturing toward the boy who comes in behind Baek, and followed by Yixing.

Sehun comes over and sits down on my lap, nuzzling into my neck. In response I rub at his back and start to rock him back and forth like a baby. Yixing had told me about his love problems with the new employee at SuJu, and it honestly has me worried.

Jonghyun chuckels "is there a guy in this fraternity who isn't gay?"

I glance back at the other boys and they glance between each other, thinking it over.

"Actually no" Yixing laughs "we've never really thought about it before actually, I think we brought in people we thought would be good, not really noticing that we are all gay"

Jonghyun chuckles "I should have joined freshman year then"

I shrug "not too late, you could always rush at the beginning of next semester, I'm on good standing with the president, so I could almost guarantee you entree"

Jonghyun grins and winks at me once again "I'll think about it" he then throws his bag over his shoulder and pats me on mine "I'll see you tomorrow, Taozie"

I nod, and watch him head to the door "tomorrow"

Once he's out of the house, I turn to Baek, who's giving me that creepy smile "so did phase one work?"

I roll my eyes "yes Baek, it seemed to work just as you said"

Baekhyun claps and starts wiggling his butt around "I told you, you just wait, you'll have Kris stuck up you ass twenty four seven by the end of semester"

I reach up and clamp my hands over Sehun's ears "Baek" I warn, but the little guy doesn't listen and starts to sing "Earned it" by the weekend.

I shake my head "why are we friends with you?"

Yixing crosses his arms and shoots the boy now dancing like a ballerina while still singing in an annoyingly high pitch, a judging look "I ask that question all the time"

"Shut up, you guys know you love me, and seriously sometimes you need a little push to pull your heads out of you asses and a kick in the ass to start fixing your problems. You love that I'm brutally honest and pushy... just admit it"

I shake my head "I'm going to bed, good luck with this"

I go to stand, but then remember that Sehun is stuck in my lap "are you ok?" I ask the boy, who usually isn't this clingy.

Sehun shrugs "I feel like I'm dying, but all in all I'm ok"

I sigh "don't worry, Sehunnie, not many people can resist you for long. He'll be yours before you know it"

Sehun nods but doesn't look convinced and stands up, waking over to lean against Yixing who's still watching a way too hyper Baekhyun who is now performing some idol girl group number. I have doubts about leaving Sehun alone, but I know Yixing will take care of him, so I head to my room.

Once I open the door, I'm greeted with darkness, and silence. I know Kris isn't sleeping though since he snores, softly, but he still snores. I strip myself of cloths and climb into bed, cuddling up against a strong, muscular chest, sinking into his warmth.

I feel a light kiss being placed on my head and I sigh in content, surrendering to the happiness of being in Kris' arms. There is no doubt in my mind that this is where i belong, that this is my home. I just miss that fire that use to pound through us, that fire that use to make me burst into flames with a single touch, the fire that just didn't make me want Kris, but made me crave him. I miss wanting the man I love in that way, and I will do everything I can to get it back, even if I have to throw gasoline on the bitch.


	8. Movie night (Chanbaek)

~Baekhyun~

I fidget with the pillows on the couch and then get the TV all set up, not so patiently waiting for my pain in the ass of a best friend to quit jacking around in his room and come join me. Like seriously, that boy once wore the same t-shirt for an entire week, so i know he's not making himself presentable, so what the heck is he be doing? I shake my head, deciding that i don't want to know, it's probably best for our friendship that i don't.

It's Saturday evening, which means that Chanyeol and I don't have class, and I don't go into work till ten. It's been this way since last year, so we kind of turned it into a tradition to have movie night every Saturday, just the two of us. We are so busy with our schedules usually that we don't always get to spend time together like we use to, so time like this is special to us, because it's important that we keep our friendship intact.

It's Chanyeol's weekend to pick, but he's messing around upstairs, doing god knows what, instead of getting his ass down here so we can get on with this. I'm not a person known for my patience, and that boy is stretching mine to a breaking point.

I huff and stand up walking to the bottom of the stairs "Yeol, if you're not down here in two minutes I'm starting the movie without you" I yell up at the boy, making sure to lay the annoyance thick into my tone.

I hear a string of curses followed by a couple of bangs that sound like they would hurt, and then Chanyeol is present at the top of the stairs, in a pair of sweats and a fitted T-shirt that makes heat shoot straight to my groin. 

I turn around and force my stirring erection to chill the fuck out "come on Baek, be patient, you know I've been wanting to see this movie" he wines.

'Aww, how cute is that' i catch myself cooing internally, but quickly scold my internal fangirl that wants nothing more than to confess to the stupid idiot, just before pushing him onto my bed and.... 'Stop it'

I force out a chuckle instead and roll my eyes at his usual childlike behavior "you have till the popcorn is ready, use your time wisely" I head into the kitchen, hearing a few more curses and the pounding footsteps of my dork of a best friend hurrying to finish whatever the hell he's up to.

I chuckle genuinely this time, shaking my head at him. Honestly I don't understand that out of all the people in the world, how I had to fall for that giant walking fail. The popcorn slowly starts to make cute little popping sounds, which prompts my ass to start moving on its own accord, eventually making me wiggle my hips to the point of almost vibrating.

I startle at a deep husky chuckle behind me and feel large hands encase my hips "careful, if you keep moving your ass like that I'm going to have to bend you over right here on the counter, and then your popcorn will burn"

I roll my eyes and slap the hands away "go find some other play thing tonight Kai, I'm having a movie night with Yeol"

"So you choose hanging out with that loser over hanging off my dick?" Kai asks smirking and leaning back against the counter to look me in the eyes.

I nod, crossing my arms defiantly "yes, actually this may be news to you Kai, but not everyone is as obsessed with your dick as you are"

Kai scoffs, throwing his head back dramaticly "lies, i'm sure that storage room still echoes with the sounds of your moans, we both know better"

I shake my head, trying to keep the heat wanting to spread across my cheeks from presenting itself and making me lose the upper hand "it was ok, I give it a passing grade, but you won't make valedictorian sweetie"

Kai narrows his eyes, leaning towards me, suddenly making my throat a little restricted "maybe you need a reminder then"

A little squeak falls from my mouth without permission, and i take an involuntary step back. Something in his eyes lights up and he moves toward me. Every single protest I have in my vocabulary is just sitting on the edge of my tongue, waiting to be forced out, along with maybe a fist or two. But I can't find my voice, it's stuck in my throat, along with my stomach.

"There doesn't seem to be one protest, Baek. Admit it, you want me to pound you into a surface in this kitchen so bad you'd beg for it if you could speak" Kai says steadily backing me up towards the other side of the room "where would you like it? The table? The counter? Or how about up against the fridge?"

I feel all available heat spread to my crotch and face, my knees become wobbly, and my breath comes out in short pants, as I stare at the boy who now has me pinned against the wall next to the fridge. My head seems to be screaming at me, trying to tell me, trying to warn me of something, but the inferno of arousal currently raging inside my body, prevents anything from coming in clear enough to force a fight out of me.

I gulp and he dips his head down into the crook of my neck breathing in deeply "come on Baek, say something, you had no problem being vocal the other night"

I let out another small squeak and slowly start to imagine the wall suddenly caving in and allowing me an exit to get away from this way to tempting man in front of me. I try my best to remember what I'm suppose to be doing, to try to remember anything but how intoxicating Kai smells at this moment.

When Kai is abruptly thrown off of me, and I suck in a proper breath, the realization of what it was I had been forgetting rushes in like a bucket of cold water to my crotch. Chanyeol, who is now standing beside me, glaring down at Kai who now lays on the floor staring back at Chanyeol with shocked and terrified eyes.

"What the hell is going on?" Chanyeol hisses, not really asking the question to anyone in particular.

I swallow thickly, making sure to clear my mouth of the invisible foam it apparently had stuck in it earlier "K- Jongin was just messing around, we were just playing"

Jongin looks at me surprised and slightly thankful "y-yeah, sorry Baekhyun hyung, I didn't mean anything by it"

Chanyeol glances back at me, then back down at Jongin "is the popcorn done, Baek?"

I look over at the microwave, seeing the flashing end on the screen and rush over to it, to pull the bag out "yeah"

I turn back to my best friend, who is still intensely glaring at Jongin, who hasn't even bothered to move from the floor, instead choosing to hang his head, staring at the floor like a child being scolded.

"Come on, let's go watch the movie" Chanyeol says, then turns on his heal and heads out of the room, not even sparing either of us a glance.

I crouch down when he's out of sight and help Jongin into a more comfortable position, but he still refuses to move off the floor "are you ok?"

Jongin nods and looks down at his lap with a pathetic pout on his face "just fucking things up as usual hyung"

I smack him on the back of his head and give him a pointed look "I wouldn't have had a problem with it, stupid, if you hadn't had cornered me in the kitchen. All you had to do was ask later"

Jongin rolls his eyes "try telling that to Kai, he thinks with the wrong head"

I breath out a laugh, and pet the hair gently "go get some sleep, kid. We have a late shift tonight since it's Saturday, maybe we can get into a little fun then"

He lifts an eyebrow and a slight smirk plays on his lips, while remnants of Kai dances in his eyes "don't make promises you can't keep, sweetheart"

I offer a smirk of my own and pop a piece of popcorn into his mouth... kind of forcefully "I'll see you tonight, Kai" then I walk out of the room, leaving the boy in the floor with nothing but a wink and a good view of my ass.

>>>>

~Chanyeol~

Awkward silence fills the room around Baek and I as we pretend to watch the movie. The only sounds to fill the room are from the movie and the occasional groans of annoyance from the boy next to me. 

It's honestly starting to get on my nerves, ever since the little incident in the kitchen, Baek's been pouting at me and trying to get my attention, but I've held my ground. Even when he tried to burrow in between the couch and my back like a damn dog, i still clutched tightly at my composure.

I'm upset at what happened, I know I shouldn't be, Baekhyun is my best friend, not my boyfriend, and I have no right to be jealous. But the second I walked into the kitchen and found Jongin's hands all over my.... All over Baekhyun, I just lost it. 

Truthfully I don't believe Baek in the slightest, I know they weren't just messing around, there's something going on between them. It's not my business though, even if it makes me want to punch something breakable...like Jongin's face... I still let Baek think that I believe him, because I don't want to see that face he gets when he thinks I'm mad at him. 

Baekhyun's puppy dog face is a force of evil and should never be summed into the light. That face is the very reason i found myself signed up for cooking classes one summer in high school. Yes, because of that cursed face, instead of spending my summer like a normal teenager, hanging out at the pool or playing video games for days on end, i was at the local community center, learning how to make basic home style food, because Baekhyun thought the teacher was hot. Though i discovered i was actually pretty good at cooking, and Baekhyun discovered that just because a man teaches a cooking class doesn't make him gay- which was almost worth it with how funny his face was when Baekhyun met our teachers wife- i still learned to do everything possible to avoid that face.

"Channie" Baekhyun suddenly shouts, standing up off the couch and running to stand right in front of the TV, jumping up and down, while puffing his cheeks out "quit ignoring me, please"

I sigh and roll my eyes, use to this behavior from the puppy like boy "Baek, please, I'm not ignoring you, I'm just trying to watch the movie"

"No" Baekhyun cries, dropping to the ground, sticking his wobbling lower lip out and crossing his arms over his chest "you're ignoring me, and I don't like it"

"Gah, fine, come here you attention whore" I groan, motioning for the seat beside me to be filled once again.

Baekhyun jumps up with a smile on his face and quickly skips over, jumping onto my lap, rather than the seat "Channie... Are you mad at me?"

I can see the beginning of that damn puppy face starting to form and my mind goes into panic mode "of course not, baekkie, how can I stay mad at my best friend"

"Stay? So you were mad?" Baekhyun's eyes widen and they almost take on an anime like glisten to them 'damn it'

"No, I'm not mad, it's ok" I say quickly trying to stop the flood gates from bursting "I love my little baekkie"

Baekhyun blinks and lowers his head, the childish display forgotten and replaced with an actual look of concern "so we're ok?"

I nod and rub circles over the little weirdos back "of course, Baek. I was just surprised by what I saw earlier, what or who you do in your free time is your business"

Baekhyun smiles slightly and leans back against my chest, resting his head just under my chin "ok, let's watch the movie then"

I breath out and decide just to settle in, when Baekhyun is like this, all clingy and desperate for attention, it's usually better just to let him be. Over all of the years that Baek and i have been friends, I've learned the hard way that most of the time its easier just to give in.

....

"Why did she do that?"

"I don't know Baek"

"But couldn't she have just..."

"It wouldn't have made a good story line though"

"but it would have just been so much easier if..."

"I know, but the movie would have only lasted a half an hour if it didn't have any conflict"

Baekhyun's lips set into a deep pout "girls are stupid"

I nod, a faint smile pulling at my lips "it's why we're gay, Baekkie, i don't get girls anymore than you do"

Baek groans, throwing himself dramatically back against the couch "i don't get men either, i mean sometimes they are so clueless and frustrating" out of the corner of my eye, i seem to catch Baek eyeing me as if he's waiting for me to explode, but push it out of my mind, it's better if i don't know what he's thinking.

I chuckle lightly, checking a few notifications on my phone, trying to ignore Baekhyun's usual odd behavior "i think it's just people in general that annoy you, Baek, don't worry, one day you'll find someone that you can tolerate for more than a day or two and you'll live happily ever after"

Baekhyun bites his lips and mutters almost to the point that i can't hear him "i tolerate you" but those words ring loud and clear as if he had yelled them in my ear.

I swallow hard, all of my attention abruptly on my best friend "what do you mean?" i laugh nervously "do you want to date me, Baek?"

Baekhyun's eyes widen and he tenses up making me instantly regret my word. 'Great Chanyeol, you just made it awkward, the very reason you don't want to confess is because you don't want it to be weird between you and him... way to fail in that mission, seriously'

"N-no" Baekhyun scoffs and glances away, fidgeting slightly, pushing guilt through my chest.

"I... i was just kidding, Baek. Obviously we don't connect like that, we're brothers, not lovers" i laugh it off "i love you, but i don't want to screw you"

Several curse words fly through my head, all aimed at how stupid i am and how much i just need to shut the fuck up. It's a problem i have and it's gotten me in trouble in the past, when i get nervous, words just keep coming out, usually making things worse than they were before i started talking, but Baek's always been good at ignoring my chronic foot in mouth condition.

"It's ok, Channie" Baekhyun giggles awkwardly, playing it off with a wave of a hand "i know you were just messing, i mean can you imagine, me and you, it would be awful"

I nod, attempting to ignore the plummeting of my stomach to the floor, once again reminded that the possibility of Baek and i ever being more than best friends doesn't exist. Baekhyun doesn't see me like that, all I've ever been since we were kids is his dork of a best friend and that's all i am ever meant to be. 

Maybe he's right, maybe we aren't even a good idea, maybe the universe is doing us a favor by keeping us apart. It's possible that after all this time that I've carried this one sided love for my best friend, that the world around me was trying to tell me that it's just better to let go.

I glance over at the boy next to me, starting to sing along with a commercial on the TV very loudly and in a pitch that makes my throat hurt, suddenly reminded, that even if i wanted to, i can't let go of this boy. Baekhyun has and will always be the only one for me, even if i have to live the rest of my life being just his dorky best friend, i'd happily do so, if it means i get to stay close to him.

I take in a deep breath and rest my head on his shoulder, which he leans into "yeah, awful, we're better as best friends, we'll always be together that way"

>>>>>

~Baekhyun~

My back hits the desk with a dull thud, i'd probably groan in pain if my head wasn't so caught up with what the boy between my legs is currently doing. I grab onto a handful of kai's hair and pull, dragging a heavy moan out of the boy currenlty working my shaft with those gorgeous lips of his.

"God, this is so wrong" i breath out, letting my head fall back against the wood.

Kai pulls away, continuing to stroke his hand down my length "why? It's not like we are doing anything bad. Come on, Baek, i thought you were over the guilt of our hookups after the last time"

I shake my head "it's not the guilt about what we are doing, it's the fact that we are doing it in my fathers office... on his fucking desk as well... it's twisted"

Kai puts on that signature smirk of his "but doesn't the thrill of possibly getting caught make your skin tingle"

I shake my head again, wipping my face dramatically with my sweaty palms "no, it just makes me worry about how i will stop your boss from firing your ass if he catches you balls deep in his son"

Kai freezes and leans back "shit, i didn't think of that"

I sigh "it's locked, just be quick about it, you started this, now finish it you little demon"

The smirk makes a reappearance and he crawls onto the desk with me "oh, i'll finish alright"

.......

"So... you're friends with Kyungsoo, right?" Jongin says casually as i pull my tank-top back over my head.

"Yeah, what about him?" i ask, wiping my self down with a tissue.

Jongin sighs and pulls the cloth out of my hands, beginning to clean me up himself, surprisingly my a little at the gesture "i'm just... a little curious, i mean, we're in the same fraternity, but i barely know anything about the guy"

I raise an eyebrow, trying not to get aroused again at the way jongin's fingers are delicately brushing over my hole "well, he's smart, and he's a really good cook, kind of a prude at times, but not in a bad way"

"I already knew all that" Jongin scoffs.

"Well if you want to know more then try talking to him, he's really nice, just get to know him if you want to that bad" i grumble, trying to find the bracelet i know i had on when we came in here.

Jongin shrugs throwing away the tissue with the rest of the evidence of what just happened in this small room "i... i'm...I kind of tend to go all Chanyeol on him when I try having a conversation with him"

"Wait are you trying to tell me that the all mighty Kim Jongin gets nervous and awkward around nerdy little Do Kyungsoo?" i ask, clapping my hands together at the miracle unfolding before me "you have a crush on Kyungsoo"

Jongin fixes me with a stern look "i do not, i... i'm just curios about the guy, that's all"

It's my turn to smirk as i walk over to him, backing him against the wall this time "well... then get to know him, Jongin.... and i mean that, let him get to know Jongin, the real you... and for the love of god, never let him meet Kai"

Jongin groans, letting his head fall back against the wall "i know, Kai would ruin him, he's so innocent and perfect, Kai has no business being near him, let alone getting acquainted with him"

I chuckle "well well, i never thought i'd see the day, Jongin"

He lifts his head, sending me a confused look "What day?"

I shake my head snorting to myself "nothing, just don't hurt him, ok?"

"Trust me, Baek, that's the last thing i want to do"

"Good" I step away and continue my search for the accessory that my outfit will not be complete without.

"What about you and Chanyeol? Are you two ok after what happened earlier today?" Jongin asks cautiously, almost like he's expecting it to be a sensitive subject.

I snort, finally finding my bracelt under a chair across the room 'seriously, how did it get there?' and then, proceed to fix my makup in the small mirror "we're fine, Chanyeol can't really stay mad at me, though sometimes i wish he would just break and tell me what he's feeling because sometimes i feel like he's holding in a lot when it comes to me"

Jongin sighs "well you don't really make it easy for someone to express how they feel, Baek"

I turn to him and lift an eyebrow "what do you mean?"

"Baekhyun, come on, you're so over dramatic about everything, if someone hurts your feelings or pisses you off they have to hear about it for weeks and you make their lives hell. Chanyeol is the closest person to you, so it's obvious that he'd be terrified to say or do the wrong thing around you because you'd take it ten times harder, or you also do this thing, that if you don't like what someone is saying you tune them out and maybe he feels that it's better to stay silent rather than have his feeling ignored"

I blink at the boy in front of me "that...that's shockingly insightful, Jongin"

Jongin shrugs "i have my moments, you caged the beast named Kai for at least an hour or two, so my intelligence tends to go up a bit when he's leaving me alone"

I let the corner of my lips tick up and give a long look at Jongin, wondering if i should voice my other concerns since he seems to be a bit more receptive tonight "there's something else"

Jongin smirks and leans back against the door "throw it at me, baby"

"Well earlier today, we kind of had a talk, it turned to a place i wasn't expecting it to go, and i don't know, i basically inadvertently confessed, and then Chanyeol called me out on it, and i swear, Jongin, i swear he almost seemed like he wanted me to tell him the truth, like he wanted me to tell him that i loved him, but then i chickened out, and then Chayeol pulled back.... Jongin, what i'm asking is, could it be possible that Chanyeol feels more for me, like i do for him?.. I mean, I've kind of noticed an attraction between us, but could there be something more... do you think that Chanyeol is in love with me?"

Jongin tilts his head, seeming lost in thought over my dilemma "well, Baek, i think the bigger question here is, how could he not fall in love with you? Baekhyun, i'm going to lay some truth on you, everyone around you, every single one of your friends are in love with you, even if it's just a little bit. You're just one of those people that others gravitate towards, that they can't help but want to be near, even if you're a pain in the ass and a bitch, they put up with that because they love you, because it's impossible not to love you... but Chanyeol, he's around you all the time, he gets to see a depth in you others haven't even been able to reach, and i'd be surprised if he doesn't feel anything for you, i'd be surprised if he isn't head over heels for you... truthfully i don't know how he really feels, and i'm not around him enough to give you a definite answer, but if i was in his place, if i got to be around you and see as much as he see's, there'd be no possible way i wouldn't be in love with you"

I breath out a rushed breath, slowly blinking at this stranger in front of me, who seems to have somehow taken over Jongin's body and switched it with a more intelligent life form, who actually has the ability to feel "i-i don't even know how to reply to that, like where did Jongin go? Are you another personality that just popped up?"

Jongin just smirks at me "plus you have a great ass and who wouldn't want to pound into that?"

I roll my eyes and huff out an exasperated breath "and he's back"

As i leave the room, i hear Jongin's high pitched laughter followed by a "come on, you know i'm right"

>>>>>

"Have you ever tried doing yoga in the nude?" Yixing asks, walking around a trashcan left out on the sidewalk as we walk back to the frat house.

"Naked yoga? Don't they offer that downtown?" i ask glancing over at my best friend.

"I think so, but i'm sure we could just do it at the house, i mean it's basically just like regular yoga but with your wobbly bits free hanging" Yixing explains, moving his hand to add detail to his description.

I shrug "aren't you suppose to jack up the heat though? Wouldn't that drive Kris crazy, you know how he is with the house thermostat"

Yixing rolls his eyes, then grins devilishly and looks over at me, excitement heavy in his eyes "we could always con Tao into joining us, then Kris wouldn't be able to bitch about it"

I snort, almost tripping over a crack in the sidewalk "so you want to shove the three of us into one room, bare ass naked, sweaty and hot, and expect Kris to be fine with it"

Yixing pushes out his lower lip thinking it over "you're right, that's a bad idea, ok, so, new plan, you need to convince your dad to sign us up for the yoga studio downtown so we can do naked yoga without being bitched out by our fraternity president"

I snort even louder this time and shake my head "are you serious right now?"

"Of course, i want to do this, it looks like fun" Yixing wines grabbing onto my wrist and jumping a couple steps.

"And how exaclty do you propose i convince my very protective and overbearing father to let me take a class where I'm surrounded by hot sweaty naked men while bending into multiple comprising positions"

Yixing cocks his head to the side "talk to your mom"

I stop dead in my tracks and widen my eyes "there is no way in hell i'm talking to..."

"Ok, ok" Yixing stops me "calm down, it was just a suggestion, your mom usually gets your dad to do whatever you want, so.... i just though maybe we could chance it"

I shake my head "i'd pay for the membership myself before i go to the spawn of satan about it"

A short chuckle is heard over our shoulders and we turn to find Jongin and Sehun walking our way "honestly, your mom even scares me" Jongin comments, sliding an arm around my shoulders "like i'm scared for my life whenever he comes into the bar to see your dad"

I roll my eyes "everyone's scared of my mom, even my dad won't step out of line around him"

Sehun nods "but i like your mom, even if he's kind of scary, it's clear he loves you and will do anything for you"

"Even convincing your dad to let you sign up for naked yoga and pay for it" Jongin mentions, side glancing at me.

I shake my head "nope, not happening"

"Come on Baek, all of us could use it. You know how great yoga is for your body, not to mention your flexibility" Jongin says offering me a slight smirk.

I glance over at Yixing, slightly confused by his silence "are you really going to let him say things like that without going moma bear on him?"

Yixing bites his lip, seeming conflicted as he glances back and forth between Jongin and me "i... i really want to go to this class, Baek"

I groan and throw my hands in the air "unbelievable"

"Well it looks like two against one, what do you say Sehun? Are you down for naked yoga if the boss pays for the class?"

Sehun blushes and ducks his head "i'd go, if everyone else is"

"Then it's settled, three against one, talk to your mom" Jongin says

I groan again and start to walk away from the group, but they catch up quickly, easy smiles showing on their faces, knowing they have won. Now i just have to figure out how to ask my mom to convince my dad to let his serving staff go to naked yoga, and also pay for it... i'm not looking forward to this conversation.

"I'll ask on Sunday" i say "but i want you guys to know that i hate you now"

"Come on, Baekkie" Jongin says throwing an arm around my shoulder again, tucking me into his side "you know you love us, because we love you"

Jongin lays a loud, messy kiss on my cheek, just as we turn on the sidewalk to walk up our front steps. The act not escaping the notice of a very tense and very annoyed looking Chanyeol, who is leaning up against one of the large white poles that line the porch. We stop dead and both stare at the man, now burning holes into Jongin's soul.

"Uh... hey, Chanyeol, did you have a good night?" i pipe up, wanting desperately to steel his focus away from Jongin.

Chanyeol sighs and glances at me ""it was alright, how about you? Anyone's ass i have to kick for getting to handsy?" His voice holding a hint of insinuation and I have a feeling I know who he's talking about.

I swallow the thick lump in my throat and smile as conviningly as possible "nope, eveyone kept to themselves tonight"

Chanyeol gives one last quick glance at Jongin, then smiles lightly "good, let's go inside, i'm sure your tired and want to go straight to bed"

As he walks into the house, i breath out a large breath of air "thank god, i thought he was going to throw you off of me again"

"What do you mean again?" Yixing questions, leaning forward between Jongin and me.

I sigh "it was just a misunderstanding... I'll tell you about it later"

Yixings eyes narrow but chooses not to push it and steps back, tucking Sehun into his side and leading the boy inside the house, having a hushed conversation. I don't even try to listen in, because usually Yixing and Sehun's conversations are best kept between them. Business as usual.

Jongin chuckles after the other two disappear inside "Baek... i think you're right"

I blink up at the boy now removing himself from me and walking to the door with long strides "about what?" i ask, before he reaches the last step.

Jongin looks over his shoudler and smirks slightly "Chanyeol's in love with you, Baekhyun"


	9. Sellout P and that bitch H (kaisoo)

~Kyungsoo~

"I don't understand, isn't this a P?" Jongin asks, an adorably cute confused look crossing his face.

"Yes" I glance at the paper i set him up to work on while i started on my more advanced level homework.

"Then why doesn't it make a P sound?" he asks, slumping his shoulders as if the worlds problems can all be centered around the sound this P is making.

I fight off the smile trying to form on my lips "Because it's followed by an H, if a P is followed by an H then it makes an F sound, not a P sound"

Jongin sits back and throws his pen down on the paper dramatically "Well, what the fuck? Does it suddenly just abandon all its principals just because an H comes along? I mean come on, you're a P, don't start acting like a damn F just because of an H... bitches man"

I giggle and shake my head at Jongin's silliness, to which he gives me a goofy lopsided grin. Minseok was right, at fist it was kind of weird, but soon Jongin and I fell into a comfortable flow. When I was silent, Jongin filled it. When I would get flustered, Jongin would joke around till I calmed down, and when Jongin got confused I would help him through it. I am actually having a very nice time tutoring Jongin, and he gets a lot more than I thought he would.

"I like your giggle, it's cute" I blush at his words and turn the page.

"Do you want to call it a night? It's almost six" I ask, trying to pull the subject away from anything that would deepen the color of my cheeks.

Jongin's head shoots up "shit I'm going to be late, Minseok's going to work my ass off today as punishment"

"Oh, I can come with you and tell him that we just ran late, he can't be upset about you focusing on your studies, can he?" I suggest, knowing that Minseok is a giant pushover when it comes to me. 

I frown at my own thinking, of even trying to use Minseok's soft spot for me against him. But in the same breath i really don't want Jongin to get in trouble, especially when it's kind of my fault he's late. Before i have much of a chance to feel to conflicted about it, i look up to meet Jongin's amazed and hopeful eyes causing any guilt i feel to dissipate. 

Jongin grins, his face scrunching up in a cute manor "you would do that for me?"

I smile shyly back, feeling the sudden need to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear 'get it together, Kyungsoo, you are not a high school girl flirting with her crush, you are a college girl... BOY, you are a boy, Kyungsoo... Jesus Christ, say something before he thinks you're special needs'

I straighten my button up shirt and clear my throat, regaining composure "of course, your my pupil, I have to look after you"

Jongin snorts, and places a hand over my own, and i have to push down the squeak the threatens to spill out of my mouth "aww, hyung, you do care"

I roll my eyes, attempting to ignore the sparks shooting up my arm at the skin to skin contact "pack up your stuff, then we'll head over to the field"

He grins and finally releases my hand "k"

.....

"Jongin, you're late" Minseok snaps as we arrive at the field.

I step out from behind Jongin "sorry, Minseok, our study session ran a little late"

Minseok catches my eye and i can tell he's pushing down a grin at my presence, but he can't hide the sparkle in his eyes "maybe you should have payed better attention to the time, I don't approve of tardiness" he barks, but it has no bite to it.

I nod and put on the sweetest smile I can manage "sorry, hyung. We'll pay closer attention next time, don't be too hard on him"

Minseok gives me a wary look like he knows exactly what i'm doing, and narrows his eyes playfully, giving into the fact that he can't say no to me "fine, Jongin I'll let it slide this time but it won't happen again, hurry up and join the others"

I turn back to Jongin whom gives me a startled stare, with his eyes wide like he's seeing something amazing for the first time. The poor boy is completely oblivious to the actuality of the situation happening here and i almost want to coo at him.

"Jongin, go. Before I change my mind" Minseok orders, snapping the boy out of it and he runs off with a quick glance back in our direction.

"You use your powers for evil" Minseok observes.

I chuckle and shrug "it's not my fault you have a soft spot for me"

Minseok adjusts his hoodie uncomfortably. He's never liked talking about the way he acts with me, hell he didn't even know he treated me differently till Chanyeol pointed it out one day while we were at work and he let me off with a warning for being late while Chanyeol had to sweep and mop the entire cafe for a week. I learned not to acknowledge it's existence, it's something that we all know exists but never talk about.

"You really are the spawn of Satan" Minseok comments once Jongin's out of ear shot, and i know exactly what he is referring to "does he know about how you can be?"

I narrow my eyes and turn to him "what do you mean about 'how I can be'?"

Minseok smirks "well your nickname isn't Satan Soo for no reason"

I roll my eyes "i hate that name, I swear I had every right to get mad at Tao, he was acting like a child"

"I'm not saying he didn't deserve it, I'm just saying you kind of scared the living shit out of all of us" Minseok shutters "I can still see the look in your eyes from that day so clearly, it's blood curdling"

I shake my head "you're being over dramatic"

"Am I? I believe at one point you threatened to shove the broom handle up Tao's ass so hard he'd thank you and ask for more" Minseok mentions, causing my face to feel hot.

"I kind of go red when I get mad, i didn't really mean it... I don't think at least" I admit sheepishly.

"That's why we call you Satan Soo, because the spirit of the devil suddenly inhabits your body when you get mad, it's kind of like you're possessed" he cracks.

I take a deep breath "Minseok, go coach or something"

Minseok smirks at me and starts to back away towards the boys in uniform on the other side of the field "whatever you say Soo, I know better than to cross you, last thing I want is a broom handle up my ass"

"Right because you'd have to pull out the one already stuck up there" I throw back.

Minseok barks a laugh then turns around and runs to his team, leaving me shaking my head at my friend. At the cafe he may be my boss, but anywhere else he's my friend. Minseok made sure that we understood this a long time ago, he wanted us to feel comfortable with him, and I'm happy to say that he's one of my closest friends now.

I find a comfortable seat on the bleachers on the sidelines and watch the boys' practice. Along with Jongin, i see Tao, Kris, Sehun, Yixing, and Baekhyun out on the field stretching together, but i also notice a cute little blond boy standing next to Baek and Yixing taking enthusiastically about something, while i catch Sehun shooting him occasional glances.

Ah, so that's the guy Yixing was talking about, the one that Sehun has it bad for. It's almost kind of cute the way he sneaks these little looks at the boy, like he's praying he'll turn around and say something to him. I'll have to remember to bake something for the little blond guy to help him ease into our group, since he works at SuJu, is on the soccer team, and is our little Sehun's crush. It's inevitable that he'll be in our family in no time, so maybe it's be an easier transition if he feels welcome. I just hope he likes sweets, maybe i can make him a cake.

I shake it out of my head, deciding just to ask Yixing about it, and focus my sights on the way that Jongin's thighs look absolutely sinful in those soccer shorts, and how he's currently making sweat look pornographic. I sit back with my hands behind me, propping me up, watching my boys practice, wondering why I've never watched a practice before.

>>>>

 

~Jongin~

"Uh oh, mom's watching" Baekhyun suddenly calls out, pulling my attention across the field to Kyungsoo sitting back on the bleachers, looking rather comfortable.

I roll my eyes and kick my cleat against the ground "don't call him that"

"Just because you have a mommy kink doesn't mean he's not our mom" Baekhyun shoots back at me.

I scrunch my face up "i don't have a mommy kink, he's just... he's different, he's not just the one who takes care of us all the time and cooks us food"

"Oh no, Jongin's staring to see someone as an actual person, guys were losing him" Tao remarks sarcastically.

"I hate you all" i say, stomping over to Sehun, who i know will at least be quiet enough not to tease me to much.

"How's your crush going?" i ask quietly, glancing over at Luhan.

Sehun sighs "he'll barely talk to me and every time he does talk to me, it's short none committed sentences... like he's almost trying to ignore me"

"Maybe he is" i suggest "i mean maybe he's just not into a fetus faced brat with a tortured soul complex"

Sehun narrows his eyes "like Kyungsoo would be into a porn faced slut, with a inner ottaku complex" 

I scoff and shake my head "you are just the worst type of person, don't bring anime into this"

Sehun smirks and leans forward so his face is close to my own "hey Jongin, want to know a secret?"

"Don't you dare" i warn, preparing to jump at him if needed.

"Levi will never love you" he whispers sadistically.

I groan and launch at him, knocking us both to the ground and doing my best to cause the maximum amount of damage with the least amount of actual harm. We roll around a couple of times, hitting at each other and calling the other terrible but yet uniquely intelligent names, before it all breaks and we end up laughing so hard we can't do anything besides lay on the ground and hold our sides.

I'm not sure how it ended up this way, and i don't particularly care enough to figure it out, but this is Sehun and my relationship. We're crude, rude, and downright hateful to each other but at the end of it all we are best friends, and we love each other like brothers.

"Seriously though, me and Levi... we're end game" i say, adjusting my shirt that got pulled up slightly during the scuffle. 

"Is that why you like Kyungsoo so much, because he is like a physical representation of Captain Levi?"

I lift an eyebrow "but Kyungsoo is a sweetheart, he'd never hurt a fly and he's so nice, the only things he has in common with Levi is his tidiness and that he's short"

Sehun sits up and sighs at me as if he's looking at a hopeless idiot "well, at least you're pretty"

I blink at him "what does that mean?"

"It means you're stupid" Tao explains for Sehun, who takes the initiative to pat my back as if i am a child who just found out their pet goldfish had to go live on a farm.

"I don't understand, what does this have to do with anything?" i ask, feeling confused to why my intelligence is suddenly in question.

Tao glimpses over at Kyungsoo, who is watching me with curious and slightly concerned eyes. He probably saw the whole exchange between Sehun and I. I hope i didn't worry him too much, i'll have to explain later that this is just how Sehun and i play with each other.

"You'll figure it out eventually, kitten" Tao pats my head and helps Sehun disentangle his legs from my own.

I stare at Kyungsoo a little longer, before i wave reassuringly at him and his concern seems to fade at that, replaced with that cute eye crinkling smile of his, and i smile back, not able to resist how adorable he is. Seriously this little squish is way to adorable and innocent for his own good.

Off to my side i hear a short "disturbing" whispered from Tao, followed by "just don't let him near the broom closet" and wonder for a second what he could be talking about and why this cute little guy across the field could ever be compared to Captain Levi.

.......

~Kyungsoo~

"You looked good at practice today, you are one of those natural athletes" I say before cursing myself at being stupid.

I had stuck around for the whole practice, and when it was over I, along with everyone else seemed to question why I was still there hanging around. So instead of doing the intelligent thing and making an excuse to bail, I asked Jongin if he'd like to walk back to the house together.

Jongin being the adorably nice kid he is, agreed and we started walking here in an awkward silence. Our business of why we were together earlier is done and now we have nothing to talk about, and Jongin seems too lost in his head to fill the gaps.

That's where my normal Kyungsoo word flailing comes into play. Saying random ass shit, just so I don't have to feel awkward which in turn makes it more so, but I can't seem to shut my damn mouth even though I know what's coming out of it really needs to be stopped. It's a problem that I've had numerous hours of ice cream therapy to think over, but unfortunately have failed to come up with a solution for.

Jongin chuckles slightly, but in a 'I feel like I have to because, I feel sorry for you' way "uh yeah"

I take a deep breath "I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking with asking to walk home together, this is awkward, isn't it?"

Jongin stops abruptly "why are you apologizing?"

I stop a little ahead of him and turn to face him "well because we're not exactly close and i guess I let myself get a little ahead, thinking that we are friends or something" I sigh at the confused look on his face, deciding to elaborate "Jongin you don't have to be nice to me, I mean I know I'm really odd, quiet and also kind of nerdy, and I understand that I'm not exactly the kind of person you would hang out with... So we don't have to be friends, ok? I shouldn't have stayed for your practice or offered to walk home together... I realize that all of that was weird and that you're just being nice, but you don't have to be... really"

Jongin started shaking his head halfway through my sentence and by the time I'm finished he's looking at me with narrowed eyes "hyung, quit being stupid, it's not weird. You're not weird, at least not in any way that isn't charming. I think you're kind of amazing and I like to hang out with you"

"But you kept giving me weird looks when I asked to walk back to the house with you and all through practice you kept shooting me confused glances" I stammer, trying to clear my head of the fuzziness over the fact that Jongin just called me amazing.

Jongin chuckles "I was trying to figure out why you'd want to walk home with me... I thought you'd want to break all contact off outside of our study sessions, and during practice I was confused as to why you were still there, trying to figure out which one of the boys you were there for, then you came up to me after practice and I just..." He breaks off dropping his head, while kicking at a pebble on the sidewalk.

I chuckle and reach out an arm "I guess we were both being stupid. Look let's forget about all of the overthinking nonsense and agree, right here and right now, that we are going to be friends"

I reach out and take his hand, pulling his phone out of it, which I mentally remark that he has an awful lot of trust in me because he doesn't even question it, nor does he hesitate to give me the password to unlock it.

I find my contact easily, surprised by how small his contact list actually is and change it from Do Kyungsoo to Soo 


	10. Might as well join me (Sulay)

~Yixing~

I've walked this road a million times, this rout feeling as familiar as walking home does. Every corner, twist, and bend of the street. Every crack in the pavement, writing littering the buildings on the way. Every detail is memorized and I could walk it blindfolded if I wasn't so keen on watching Junmyeon's every movement as we head to the usual destination.

The first time I followed him down this road, I was just curious about where he was going, what he was doing. But after a while it became our routine, our thing so to say. 

Every Thursday at the same time, this is what I do. I follow Junmyeon to the same street vendor tent and eat at another table a decent amount of distance away from him, while I silently watch him eat alone. At least this is how I use to spend my Thursday nights. Lately I've been pulling back, I've been keeping my distance.

I decided that this is what's best for the both of us, for me to finally let go of Junmyeon and stop chasing around someone who doesn't even know I exist... Though one last Thursday won't hurt, right? One last night at our place, one last meal to send us off properly, in different directions. Even if he doesn't even know we've walked the same path many times before.

I sigh and watch my shoes pat rhythmically against the ground, the slight want to dance pulling at my muscles, but I push it away. Today I'm with Junmyeon and I won't waste a single moment of our last night together.

I look up and smile slightly at the view in front of me. Because I know this route so well, it gives me the perfect chance to admire the perfection that is Junmyeon's body. I've only seen him take his shirt off twice, but I know there are abs under those bulky sweaters and dress shirts he wears. 

Just imagining Junmyeon's tightly toned body makes my mouth water. I want to run my tongue across the patruding muscles, and bite at the skin that's pulled taunt around them. 

"You know, all of the times you've followed me here and you've never had the balls to join me?" A voice suddenly asks, breaking me out of my straying thoughts.

I stop abruptly and hold my breath, just realizing the footsteps ahead of me have stopped as well. I can't help but hope to Gods he'll keep walking and is somehow miraculously talking to someone else. I mean a man as perfect as Junmyeon has to have multiple stalkers right?

"Are you going to say anything? Or are you going to keep pretending like I don't see you?" He asks and I suddenly look up, to meet the gaze of the man I've been obsessing over for the past year, actually acknowledging my existence for the first time.

Junmyeon smirks, like he's enjoying his own private joke "well since we're both on our way there, you might as well join me"

My breath catches in my throat, and I stay rooted in my spot, even after he turns around and starts waking once again.

What am I suppose to do here? There's no online forum that explains what you are suppose to do once the person you're stalking actually confronts you. And they definitely don't explain what happens when the stalkie invites you to dinner. 

"Yixing, this is the last time I'll ask nicely, please come with me" he calls over his shoulder and the warning in his voice nearly has me tripping over myself to catch up to him.

I stay a couple of steps behind him till we reach the tent that is familiar yet oddly different at the same time. He walks inside and I follow, the irony of it is almost funny, I'm always following him it seems.

"Sit" he orders when he reaches his normal table, and his authoritative, 'don't fuck with me' tone keeps me from turning around and running away like I desperately want to do.

Does he know I've been basically stalking him? Has he already called the police and is planning on having me arrested tonight? Or does he just want to beat the shit out of me himself?

I wrap my arms around my waist, thinking that whatever he has planned, he pretty much has the right to do it.

"You don't have to look so terrified. I'm not going to hurt you, Yixing" he says, a little softer than the previous times he spoke to me.

I look up and catch his eyes on me, the warmth and excitement playing in them is something I never expected to see if Junmyeon ever looked at me directly. I internally groan, trying to figure out what type of game he's playing at, what exactly he wants from me. But I suck in a tight breath, all of those concerns pushed to the side when I realize something I didn't catch before. 

"You called me, Yixing" I say, my words coming out slightly choked.

Junmyeon raises an eyebrow, and blinks a couple times "that's your name, isn't it?"

I nod lightly in confirmation, but decide that however he found out, I don't want to know right now. I just want to go home, and silently sob into a pillow over the embarrassment and shame of being caught like this.

Junmyeon orders his usual, but more than normal and turns back to me "you know, at first when I realized I had someone following me around, it kind of creeped me out"

I wince and hang my head lower, so ashamed of myself "I'm really sorry, Junmyeon, like you don't even understand how awful I feel about this whole thing. I promise I'll leave you alone from now on"

Junmyeon reaches over the table and tugs my chin up, the touch sending a shock through my body and my system cutting off all small body functions "why would I want that? I said at first it creeped me out, I didn't say it still does"

My eyebrow knit, how can he be so calm about this? I mean I've basically infringed in his privacy for the past year, there isn't really much that I don't know about him, and he doesn't even know who I am... or at least I thought he didn't. So how can he just sit here and talk to me as if he's talking to a friend or touch me as if he's touching a loved one?

He removes his hand and I find myself mourning the loss of the warmth and firmness of his fingers. It's like his hands have the ability to be delicate but disciplinary at the same time and I try not to let my thoughts wander on the possibilities of that.

He continues, without giving me much time for clearing my head of the mess this whole situation has created "once I started catching glimpses of you, following me around everywhere, giving me looks similar to the ones a puppy would give its master, I became... intrigued" he pauses and gives me a look that forces a small shiver to run up my spine "so I started to ask around about you, and I began to find out information that led me to figure out that you're harmless" the food is delivered to the table and he starts putting things on the grill in the center.

"I started to see your actions as innocent and even a bit flattering. I also started to expect to see you everywhere, getting excited even when I'd glance out of the corner of my eye and find you staring at me, or when you wouldn't show up and I'd find myself really worried over you"

At this point I'm staring at him wide eyed, my my mouth lightly open in awe at his admittance "h-how long have you known about me?"

"Hmm, since about winter of last year" he says nonchalantly, as if he's speaking about the weather.

I gasp, he's known all this time and has never said anything? He even said he found out information about me and started to expect me to follow him around... am I hearing this right? No, this isn't possible, he's probably just messing with me before he turns me into the police or beats the shit out of me... But something in his eyes, and the sureness in his voice, makes me want to believe him.

"I guess you can say that I understood your obsession with me because I formed my own with you... but recently you haven't been around as much... is there a reason?" He questions me, a sort of seriousness and tightness in his eyes that has me faltering when I attempt to speak. 

"Uh, I-i've been t-trying to stay away from you... I figured it would be best to l-leave you a-alone" I say, feeling a little shaky. I can't believe I am sitting here having this conversation, with Junmyeon of all people.

Junmyeon nods as if he already figured this much, continuing to grill the meat "well you can stop that... I had half a mind to go find you, maybe start following you around, but then to my happiness and wonderful surprise you showed up tonight"

I raise my hand to the table and start drawling aimless circles on it with my finger, something I started doing as a child to keep myself calm, when I'm freaking the fuck out "I had a relapse, I have Thursday's off and didn't have enough willpower to stay away"

Junmyeon nods, the edges of his lips turning up like he's genuinely pleased by this information "I'm glad, I missed you"

I raise my head to look at him, a confidence I hadn't felt earlier rising in my chest "you do realize I've been staking you for over a year, I know more about you than some of my own family members, and I even know what you look like naked... why are you not trying to kill me or get me arrested right now?"

Junmyeon smirks, seeming amused by my small outburst "because you fascinate me, Yixing. Everything about you from the way you speak with your lips permanently pouted to the way you walk like your constantly trying to prevent yourself from breaking out in a dance" he shrugs "what can I say I'm obsessed with you... I'd figure you of all people can understand that"

I'm at a complete loss for what to say here. How can he say these things so freely? When i've been hiding in the shadows since i first met him, but he says these things so casually, like they have no weight on my heart in the slightest.

I do understand how it feels to be obsessed with someone, to want nothing more than to just be close to them. That's why I'm having such a hard time understanding this, it's not the obsession I'm confused over, it's that the obsession is with me?

"Why haven't you said anything, why haven't you approached me?" i ask, feeling small. 

He lifts an eyebrow, challenging me "why haven't you?"

I sigh and sit back in my chair "I don't think I'm anyone worth meeting"

Junmyeon's jaw sets and he fixes me with a stern yet sympathetic look "we're going to have to work on your self confidence, especially if we're going to be seen together now... The people I hang out with are kind of pretentious"

My eye widen, while I struggle to sit up straighter "seen together?"

"Would you rather go back to stalking me? I mean, I don't mind you watching me, but I can't promise that I'll stay away from you now" he states pulling the meat off the grill and handing me a plate "here, eat, you're too skinny"

My jaw drops, and I stare at the man in front of me, with a pleased and almost peaceful expression on his face, loading up my plate with food and talking away about his day.

I shake my head at him, and think 'when I started stalking Junmyeon I never imagined that I would be the more sane one.'

>>>>

"So you two just sat there, eating and talking? Like the best of friends sharing a meal? like you were never stalking him... and he never knew about it... the whole fucking time?" Baekhyun deadpans, giving me a disbelieving stare.

I nod hollowly, staring off into space in front of me, still a little shell shocked "and after dinner was over, he paid, he said goodnight, and left. He told me to actually go home instead of following him"

Baekhyun raises an eyebrow "he even made a joke about it?.. wow, how unstable is this guy? Maybe you should stay away from him, Xing"

I swallow hard, nodding slowly "i was thinking the same thing, that even though he said not to, maybe i should stay away from him, maybe i should just keep my distance"

"Because he's crazy?" Baek asks, with a confirming nod.

I roll my eyes "no, because he was never suppose to know about me. I stayed away from him for a reason. Junmyeon deserves someone perfect, someone normal, someone who's just as intelligent and classy as he is... i can't give him any of that, so maybe it's better if i disappear. Give him a chance to realize how insane being interested in me actually is"

Baekhyun sighs and punches me not-so lightly on the shoulder "you need to stop that hyung, you're view of yourself is so messed up... XingXing, you're perfect and if i wasn't in love with my own mess of a person, i would totally go for you"

I snort "you're bias"

Baekhyun smirks and rolls his eyes "want me to suck you off to prove it? I only suck off the people i love"

I shake my head and glance at him scandalized "if your mother could hear you right now"

Baek barks a laugh, rolling his eyes in mock offense "he'd be proud, trust me"

"So is that why i can't get you to go down on me?" Jongin questions, walking gracefully into the room, in a way I've always been a little jealous of.

Baekhyun shoots a judgy look at the boy as he sits down on one of the chairs in the living room "we're not having this conversation again. Jongin. We are concentrating on Xingy at the moment, he's having a crises"

Jongin nods in a bored manor, sinking his teeth into an apple "i heard, and trust me Baek's right, you need to have more confidence in yourself, Yixing. If this guy is crazy enough to want to start seeing you after he admitted to knowing about you stalking him for the past year, then i'd jump at that"

I sigh and throw my head back against the couch "he doesn't understand though, he says he asked around about me and that he knows some things about me, but he doesn't really know me... and i think it'll be easier to walk away than have him walk away after he figures out i'm not anywhere as close to the person he thinks i am"

Jongin lifts an eyebrow and turns toward me "you have got to be kidding me" he looks at Baek with a shocked expression "does he really think like this? Do i need to fuck some confidence into him?"

Baekhyun groans, throwing his head back against the couch like mine in frustration "Kai, not every problem can be solved with your dick"

"Maybe not, but it makes people feel better about the problem, at least for a couple hours" Jongin comments, pouting slightly, making me wonder briefly if Jongin and Baekhyun's relationship is getting a little too friendly.

"Seriously though" Baek says, catching my attention away from that thought "It is completely up to you, Xing, but you literally have an invitation from the guy you've been in love with for over a year to get close to him, it's your choice to take it or to stay away, just try not to let you're view of yourself be the main factor for that choice"

I sigh and nod "i'll take everything into consideration, before i make my decision, but i still think it will come out to the same conclusion. There's a million reasons to stay away from him, while my selfishness doesn't justify getting close to him"

Baek sits up and wraps his arms around my neck, pulling me against his chest "my poor little XingXing, and his warped view of himself. What are we going to do with you?"

"I could fuck him"

"Kai!"

>>>>>

~Junmyeon~

"What's you're angle here, Junmyeon?" Minho asks setting his pool stick down and turning towards me "I just can't seem to figure this one out. I've been trying to since you told us about what happened earlier tonight, but I just can't. Usually I have every one of your motives and positions figured out by now, but with this one, I'm confused"

"Angle?" I ask, pausing the video on my tablet, receiving a small whine of protest from Taemin who is watching it with me.

"With this kid, why are you so interested in this guy?" He asks, coming over to the sitting area where Tae and I are "I mean he's been following you around for how long? Why are you trying to get close to him now? Usually it's best not to befriend the guy that is stalking you"

I tilt my head, thinking back to my evening. It was an interesting night to say the least and I'm not exactly sure how Yixing is dealing with this whole ordeal. He seemed a little taken back, but I could see the want in his eyes as I was offering him a chance to stay by my side. 

I just hope he doesn't try to run from me, that would be a mistake on his part, I get upset when I'm forced to chase what I want.

I chuckle and pat a pouting Taemin on the head "I don't really have an angle, Min. I just know I want to get close to him"

"Why though?" Taemin pipes up "why are you so interested in him, hyung?"

I smile slightly "he just... Fascinates me"

"Oh no, Junmyeon, I know that tone" Minho says in a groan "you're not thinking of doing that to him, are you?" 

I sigh, honestly I've been expecting this from my friends, but it's still discouraging in a sense "it's not like that, Minho, not with him, he's too innocent for that, he's too... Good"

Minho lifts an eyebrow and crashes onto the couch across from Taemin and me "the guy has been stalking you for over a year and you think he's innocent?"

I shrug "you tend to learn a lot about a person when they are constantly following you around, you pick up habits of theirs and things they like, the way they see the world, and trust me, Yixing is as innocent as they come"

Taemin giggles beside me "sure, hyung. Yixing is innocent, I'll let you keep thinking that"

I blink a few times then glance down at the boy leaning against my shoulder "what do you mean, Tae? Are you withholding information?"

Taemin groans and sits up "do you know what I don't understand? Why would anyone want to stalk you anyways? You're so odd, I mean the way you talk, you sound so damn formal, like we're in the military or something. I mean-"

"Taemin" Minho says his name in firm warning, fixing the boy with a narrow eyed expression, proving to chill even my own blood "your hyung asked you a question" 

Taemin stiffens and his eyes widen, glancing between Minho and me "I'm sorry hyung... I didn't mean..."

I breath in deeply relishing in the control of their relationship for a second before waving it off and smiling at the youngest "it's ok, Tae, just tell me what you mean"

He nods and takes a deep breath "well you know my friend Jongin, right?"

"The one who works with and is in the same fraturnaty as Yixing?" I ask already having a full profile of the people that surround my little stalker.

Taemin nods enthusiastically "that's the one, well I go to see him at work sometimes and when I'm there, I see Yixing... trust me hyung, he's not always the sweet little angel you think he is"

I take a moment to let the boy's words sink in, digesting them fully in my head. This notion intrigues me, the idea of there being a whole other side to Yixing different than the one I'm familiar with. But I just can't seem to see it, I just can't wrap my head around him being anything but an innocent, wide eyed child like boy, with dimples I just want to pinch every time they etch themselves into his cheeks. 

A part of me wants to see this, but another wants Yixing to stay the way I see him "I think I'll just keep things friendly and comfortable with him, there's no need to dive into unimportant matters"

Taemin rolls his eyes "see, I swear you're like eighty, who even talks like that, hyung?"

"Tae, I won't warn you again, behave" Minho chides, causing Taemin's eyes to take on an almost comical largeness.

Taemin folds himself back against the couch and bites his lip, seeming to choose to just remain silent rather than to receive a punishment from Minho for his behavior. 

Another wave of appreciation for their relationship washes over me and I find myself having a moment of longing, a moment of wistfulness for such a dynamic with my significant other, but not all are meant for this type of relationship, not all have the heart to except that type of life.

Yixing for one is too pure to be pulled into something so dark, into somethings so impure. He's not meant for this world, he's not meant to be tainted by the darkest part of my soul.

"It really is different with this one, isn't it?" Minho asks breaking me out of my inner struggle. 

I sigh and sit back, throwing a casual arm over the back of the couch "yes, I don't know what it is about him, but I can't seem to let him go. He talked about leaving me alone, but the anger I felt at him even thinking of such a thing made me understand how much I just want him by my side"

"But won't you miss it? Won't you miss the control? The power?" Minho asks glancing at Taemin who seems to not have moved an inch since receiving a scolding from his boyfriend.

I take a deep breath and blink tightly "which is why I'm going to keep him next to me, but only as a friend. I'll still have him, but the temptation to pull him into my world isn't necessary"

Minho smirks and shakes his head "sure, Junnie, let me know how long that works out... You will want him to be yours in a week... People like us, Jun... We don't get the freedom of causality"

I sigh "which is exactly what I want to keep him from, he doesn't need this type of wickedness in his life"

Minho snorts and leans forward, once again his eyes darting to Taemin "you never know, Junnie, he might just like it, you never know how well a pet can behave until you fasten that collar around their neck" 

I shake my head, reaching over to run my hand through Tae's hair, which prompts him to lean into the comforting gesture "Yixing is too beautiful to be caged"

Minho gets up and moves till he's standing before Taemin, leaning down and lifting the boys chin with his finger "I find that the most beautiful ones are the ones who are meant to be locked away, meant to answer to one and only one... Master" he says with a deep grumble to his voice, forcing a whimper out of the young boy in his grasp.

I stand up, knowing exactly where this is heading and make an exit to the stairs that lead to my room, but stop on the way there and turn around. I meet Minho's expectant eyes, as if he knew I'd have a last word for him.

I smile lightly, clutching my phone "I don't want to control him, Min. I want to free him"

Minho smirks and chuckles with a wistful malice "sometimes, Junnie, those can be the exact same things"

I blink a few times acknowledging his point, before shaking it off and heading up the stairs, the sound of Taemin's moans following me, haunting me with my own inner conflict.

>>>>

~Yixing~

"So have you decided on what to do about your little obsession?" Baekhyun asks leaning over the bar to place a towel back in Jiyong's personal reserve.

I raise a concerned eyebrow and he gives me a shrug as if to say 'what is he going to do about it?'

I groan and let my head fall against the bar in a dramatic display of helplessness "I don't know, Baek. I'm just... I just... Help?"

Baekhyun shakes his head and fixes his sparkly pink shorts which I hadn't noticed till now and wonder when he got those "I can't help you, babe. I love you Xingy, but this is something you need to work through on your own, only your heart knows what it wants"

I lift my head and glare at him "don't go all deep and philosophical on me you bitch, just tell me what to do, damn it"

"Uh oh, mom's cussing, what did you do to him?" Jongin asks coming up to me and slinging an arm around my shoulders.

I roll my eyes and lean onto Jongin chest "I've just decided I'm tired of adulting, this isn't for me. I want my decisions to be made for me and I want to not worry about any of this responsibility bullshit"

Jongin chuckles and gives me a good squeeze "hmm... would you like my help?"

"Kai, down" Baekhyun warns slapping his arm off of my shoulders and pulling me to him like a parent protecting their child from a creepy guy on the playground.

I sigh while being pressed into Baek's man cleavage while he scolds Jongin for trying to taint me.

Baekhyun pulls back and connects our gazes after he sends a pouting Jongin away to finish cleaning "But seriously, Yixing, you need to go with your gut on this one. Don't do what's going to hurt less or what's the safer option, do the thing that you feel is right"

I reach up, rubbing my fingers over my suddenly throbbing temples "that's the problem, how do I know what's right? I feel so torn"

Baek smiles and pats my head softly as if trying to help rub away my headache "only you have that answer, XingXing. I'm sorry, i wish I could give you the answer, but this one is on you, sweetie"

I groan and throw myself against the bar once again "i officially quit life"

Baekhyun gives me a sympathetic pat on the arm and gives a slight giggle "go home, Yixing. Jongin, Sehun and I will finish closing up"

I don't fight him on it and manage to somehow drag myself back to the house and to my room, where I collapse on my bed. I close my eyes and will life to just give up on me right here and now so I don't have to make this decision.

......

I somehow drifted off a little only to be woken up by the sound of a notification pinging on my phone.

Picking up a small black square in the darkness, while under a sleepy haze isn't the easiest thing to do. But with the added factor of my room being a mess and the odd situation that I somehow managed to tangle my blanket around my legs to the point where i can barely move the lower half of my body. It's just a miracle I'm still alive to make it to my phone, (which somehow ended up across the room, under a pile of cloths, near my closet... How is that even possible?) let alone actually picking it up and opening my notifications.

I blink at the screen for a few seconds at a loss at what to do. Sitting in my Facebook notifications is a friend request from none other than Junmyeon himself.

My mind races, this request means so much more than what it's meant to. This represents the choice I have to make, the choice between staying and walking away. 

If I accept, then it means I'm choosing to stay with him, I'm choosing to be selfish and setting myself up for inevitable heart break. If I decline that means I'm choosing to let him go, letting him move on and make a better choice of his own, find someone who's worth his obsession. 

I know which choice I'm leaning towards, the one I've always known I was going to choose in the end. It's just hard to accept that this is the end of it, that this is the finality I'm deciding on.

I sigh at this painful resolve I've come into and click the ignore button. I turn off my phone and set it to the side, then untangle myself from my blankets and climb out of bed, making my way next door. 

When I enter the room, it's already dark, so I pad quietly over to the bed and quickly pull back the blankets, slinking under them and cuddling up to  the lump of warmth I find in the middle of the bed.

"Hyung?" I hear a gravely, groggy voice ask in the darkness.

"Shh, it's just me. Go back to bed, Hunnie" I say, keeping my voice as steady and calm as possible.

Sehun rolls over anyways and pulls me closer to him, holding me to his chest, his soft heartbeat humming against my ear, coming as a comfort to me "I love you, hyung. You know I'm always here for you, right?"

I smile lightly despite knowing he can't see me "I know, Hunnie. I love you too" I run my hand down his naked back, feeling relived by the skin to skin contact "let's just get some sleep, ok?"

Sehun yawns out an "ok, hyung" then all too quickly his breath evens and his light snores fill the room.

Sleep doesn't find me for a long time, but when I do manage to drift away, it's plagued with images of the way Junmyeon's eyes sparkled when he finally looked in my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally got Junmyeon's point of view!! And I'm sure that it only raised more questions than it answered haha but I'm kind of growing an odd obsession of my own with his character! I love how good of a guy he is, but still had this dark side to him. He's a charter I'm going to have fun with, I can already tell! *sexual Kai smirk*
> 
> And how about that twist? Junmyeon's known about Yixing the whole time? What? Crazy! 
> 
> Haha seriously though, what do you guys think will come out of this? Will Yixing succeed in staying away from Junmyeon? Will Junmyeon allow Yixing to keep his distance? And what exactly is Junmyeon's secret dark side? 
> 
> Stay tuned, my lovelies. I'll see you next chapter. hunhan up next!


	11. Friends? (HunHan)

~Sehun~

My little blonde angel floats gracefully across the room, his small perfectly shaped legs carrying him towards the bar, where he stops and rests his cheek upon his palm much like a princess would in a fairy tale.

He stays there talking a little with Jiyong, and I can't help the small bit of jealousy that bubbles up in my chest. I know Jiyong has absolutely no interest in my little deer, (the guy can't stand to be around anyone who's prettier than himself for more than a couple of minutes. It's one of the reasons why he's so short with Baekhyun all the time) but I still feel territorial over the way Jiyong's leaning so close to Luhan.

I try think of a way to separate them without looking like a crazy overly possessive boyfriend, when suddenly I get and idea and snicker, bounding across the room quickly, making my way towards the bar. Jiyong glances over at me when I am a couple feet away from them and rolls his eyes, saying something to Luhan, then scurrying to the other side of the bar.

I pay no mind to the pissy little diva and continue in my pursuit. I'm glad Ji's left my angel alone, but I still decide to have a little fun with him.

"What can i help you with Sehun?" Luhan says with an exasperated sigh just before my hand makes contact with his shoulder.

I drop my arm back to my side and take a step back, pouting at my attempt to startle the boy being foiled "nothing, i just wanted to see what you were up to, and why do you always say my name like that?"

Luhan breaths out a large breath and turns around, eyeing me intently "Like what, Sehun?"

"See, you did it again" i point out "you always say my name like it's exhausting to pronounce, like the thought of saying it makes you want to give up on your day" 

Luhan clears his throat and straightens his posture "it's not like that Sehun-ah... i just... I've been tired and really busy lately"

It's a lie, i'm not an idiot, it's written all over his face "is that why you've also been avoiding me?"

"I-i haven't been avoiding you Sehun" he says stuttering through his words, his eyes shifting all over the place, but refusing to focus on me.

I sigh, disappointed "i don't know why you insist on lying to me, when we both know i see right through you"

Luhan huffs "i'm not lying and i'm not avoiding you, now drop it and leave me alone, i have to work" 

He turns on his heel in a graceful spin and nearly stomps away, leaving me standing there feeling dejected and a bit depressed. I turn away from the beautiful little pixie, and head to find Yixing, knowing he'll give me what i need right now.

>>>>>>

~Luhan~

An exasperated sigh leaves my lips as I glance over to find Sehun cuddled up to Yixing across the club in the lounge area. The younger boy sits on the older's lap, Sehun's face buried in Yixing's neck as he strokes the blondes hair affectionately, whispering seemingly sweet and calming words to the boy.

I roll my eyes at the girls surrounding them, cooing at the display and refuse to recognize the stirring in my chest as anything close to jealousy. I don't care what Sehun does or who he does it with, it's none of my business. The boys isn't mine, even though he follows me around like a lost puppy, I take no claim in him.

Even though, it's still a little weird and slightly annoying how he always runs off to find Yixing at even the slightest hint of distress. I understand wanting some comfort from a friend, but they just take it too far. It's not like Yixing is Sehun's mother or... his lover. And the fact that everyone just falls all over those two when Yixing starts in on his coddling, it's sickening. Sehun is an adult, he should be treated like one.

"Well don't you just look like a fucking ray of sunshine" the voice I've come to associate with nails on a chalkboard, forces me out of my thoughts. 

"What do you want, Baekhyun?" I ask turning around, already way to exhausted to deal with this.

Baekhyun snorts and shakes his head "oh sweetie, it's not what I want, it's what you want... And clearly, acting like you don't want it, isn't fooling anyone"

I blink at him, setting my shoulders in an attempt to convey that i'm not in the mood "I don't know what you're talking about"

Baekhyun glances over my shoulder and smirks "don't I?"

I follow his gaze all the way across the club to find that Yixing is now rocking Sehun back and forth on his lap. I fight the urge to lock my jaw and turn back to Baekhyun with a nonchalant smile.

"It's cute isn't it, how Yixing ...'babies' Sehun like that" I say, my words just slightly too tense and forced to be believable.

Baekhyun snorts again and reaches up, placing a hand on my arm "there's nothing wrong in admitting you're jealous"

My jaw does lock this time and I fix Baekhyun with my best 'don't push me' stare "I'm not jealous, I just don't think it's appropriate"

Baekhyun seems to drop the smug look of his face in the matter of seconds "why would it not be appropriate? The customers love it" he says pointing to the crowd circled around the two boys.

I roll my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest, shrugging in a way that even i think is bitchy "it's just that Sehun is a grown man, he doesn't need to be coddled like that"

"How the fuck do you know what he needs?" Baekhyun barks at me and I have to take a step back because of how defensive he sounds.

I put my hands up in my own defense "I'm just saying not everyone has that kind of freedom, that kind of ease to be like that and some people might not see it the way others do... It's just not appropriate"

Baekhyun laughs bitterly and takes a step forward, his face inches from my own "you think that's what Sehun has? Freedom? Ease? You know nothing about him if that's what you think, and therefor you also have no right to make that kind of judgment... Try to get to know him first, then come and tell me just how easy he has it" Baekhyun shakes his head and starts to walk away, but then stops, calling over his shoulder "and quit avoiding him, whether you want to see it or not, the kid's more fragile than you think"

I groan and rub my hands through my hair in frustration "I'm not avoiding him"

........

~Sehun~

"He's totally avoiding you" Jongin says as we watch Luhan hurriedly walk the opposite direction from us, as well as his next class.

I sigh, hugging my books against my chest a little harder, hoping maybe the pressure will make the ache disappear as fast as Luhan is "i know, he's not even denying it anymore, he just sighs and shakes his head at me, then walks away... i'm not even sure what to do"

"You have to gain his trust, get on the inside, make him feel safe and not threatened, then you strike and make him yours before he even knows you're setting the trap" Jongin says making a motion with his hands that quite frankly worries me.

I stop and blink at the boy next to me, debating whether I should try to get him to see a therapist or not "He's not a wild animal Jongin"

Jongin smirks and lifts an eyebrow "isn't he?"

I roll my eyes and throw a fist at his shoulder, which results, as it always does, in the both of us rolling around on the ground like children. 

In the time it takes us to break apart and head to class which we are late for... again, i decided to seek a second opinion, with someone who actually has success in the relationship area.

......

"I'm sorry to break it to you babe, but Jongin's actually kind of right" Tao says setting a cup of hot cocoa on the table in front of me.

I groan and throw myself back in my chair "that's not possible, and what do you mean?"

"Well, you have to start somewhere sweetie, and the best place for two people to start is friends, it'll help you get to know him and form a bond with him, make him see you on a deeper level. Whatever the reason he's running from you is, he'll get over it once he realizes he loves the person you are"

I chuckle darkly, lowering my head to stare into the chocolate brown liquid swirling in my cup "what makes you think he'll love me?"

"How could he not Sehunnie? You're beautiful, inside and out" Tao says lifting my chin up with his finger "don't let them take anything else from you Sehun, be selfish for once"

I smile lightly and nod my head, blushing under Tao's piercing catlike eyes "do you really think he'll want to be my friend?"

Tao snorts "well there's only one way to find out" I lift and eyebrow in question and he smiles "Just ask him, Sehunnie"

......

I've been stressing myself out all week, trying to figure out how I can possibly approach Luhan with the figurative white flag and hope he excepts my friendship plea. I've had an entire week to figure something out, to figure some sort of gesture to signify my want to be friends, and I've managed to come up with absolutely nothing.

So here i stand, waiting outside, in front of Luhan's dorm, freezing my ass off, drenched to the bone because the sky deciding it felt like flooding the earth, just for the hell of it. And in my hand sits two cups of bubble tea, a peace offering for Luhan and a hopeful sign of the beginning of a lasting friendship.

The sky above me looks grey and ominous, a foreboding feeling sinking into my bones and i don't know what to be more depressed about, the fact that i probably look completely pathetic right now, or the fact that i'm more than willing to do so.

Not many things phase me, usually things just pass over my head while i do my own thing. But Luhan's under my skin and i can't dig the little bastard out. I've tried to let go of this stupid notion of him and i together, I've tried to simply cast it out of my mind and not try. But i fucking can't and the little blonde shit being around every place i am only proves to make this even harder. 

Luhan's at my job, with his tiny little shorts showing off those delicious milky thighs, he's on my soccer team where his skills are so damn impressive i'm developing a hero complex for him, and then we even have a couple classes together where i can do nothing but constantly glance at him all hour and twitch relentlessly to keep from full on staring.

It's truly bittersweet having Luhan around and i just wish he'd either give in or that i'd give up, but apparently we're both stubborn pain in the asses who are clearly made for one another.

I'm still angrilly muttering to myself when a small melodic voice pulls me out of my internal rant "Sehun?"

My head snaps up and i blink at a bundled up Luhan, holding a yellow umbrella, and for a second i smile at the thought that yellow suits him "Sehun... what are you doing out here? Are you trying to freeze to death?"

I shiver a bit and hold out the cup that I've resisted the urge to drink out of, to him and smile lightly "i wanted to give you this, a symbol of truce... and maybe friendship?"

His eyebrows knit together and he shakes his head staring at the cup i'm holding out "i don't understand"

I bite at my lip "i...i don't know why you keep ignoring me or avoiding me when you can, but i'd really like for us to be friends, i mean w-we have to see each other for a good portion of time everyday, so it would just be nice to be able to say your name and you don't say mine back like i'm a constant plague on your day"

Luhan sighs, still giving me that concerned expression "Sehun.. i"

I hold up the hand with the drink in it more aggressively "please Luhan, even if it's forced politeness, can you at least do it for me? Just pretend you like me... I'm not sure i can take this feeling of you hating me anymore"

Luhan's eyes widen and he steps forward "I don't hate you, Sehun"

I shift my legs and rub the tip of my shoe over the concrete "that's not what it felt like... i don't know... what i did... but I..." emotions that i didn't even know i was harboring start to take me over and soon i'm blinking away a slight blurriness from my eyes "I just want to be close to you hyung, i just want to be your friend"

Suddenly a light, warm weight crashes into me, making me stagger back, but luckily i hold onto our drinks "im so sorry, Sehun" Luhan says squeezing my shoulders where his arms are wrapped around "i didn't mean to make you feel like i hated you, please don't ever think that"

I breath in a lungful of luhan and hug him as close as one can with my hands full "so we can be friends, hyung?"

A small sigh exits his lips "Yeah Sehunnie, we can be friends" he pulls back all took soon, his posture tight and ridged for some reason.

I beam at him and hold up the bubble tea which he thankfully takes this time "thank you, Luhan, you don't know how much this means to me"

Luhan smiles lightly and grabs my arm "come on, lets go get you dry"

I shake my head and step back "i'll be ok, i'm just going straight home"

"You're going to get sick if you walk back to the fraternity like this, i'll give you a change of cloths and get you dry, then you can go home"

I chuckle and pull my arm out of his grasp "i'll be fine, i have the warmth of friendship to keep me toasty all the way home"

Luhan lifts an eyebrow, but i succeed in the smile i was aiming for from him "well, at least take this, i know it won't keep you dry but at least it'll keep it from making this worse" he says motioning towards my appearance, while handing over his umbrella.

I laugh and accept his offer, walking him to the door and waving goodbye till he disappears up the stairs. 

I don't know how long i wait outside his dorm, watching his window, but when the light finally goes off, i have a new sense of hope brewing deep in my chest. 'you will be mine, Luhan, just wait, you'll never even see the trap coming'

>>>>

~Luhan~

I'm laying in bed cursing myself for what i just did. The one person i was trying to keep out, the one person that could ruin everything, i just gave an open invitation to get close to me.

I don't really know what came over me, but the minute i saw Sehun standing in the rain, probably getting hypothermia, just so he could give me a watered down bubble tea. I could t help but feel guilty and really worried for the boy.

Then i saw his real feelings etched all over his face, i saw how he really felt about me ignoring and avoiding him... something pulled in me and the thought that i was hurting the boy cut deep into me. The last thing i want to do it hurt Sehun, actually that's the one thing i'm trying to prevent.

I groan and shift onto my side, staring out my window, watching the rain pour down thicker than it did before. I sigh and find myself worried if Sehun got home ok.

I stand up and whisper to myself "I wonder how long he had been standing out there before I got here"

I walk over to my window and look out, my eyes taking in the depressive weather, but immediately freeze when I see a small dot of yellow standing outside in front of my dorm.

I watch the dot for a second, watching it sway every once in a while, like it's dancing slightly. I reach over with a shaky hand, having a concerning hunch in the pit of my stomach and click off my lamp, darkness abruptly clouding my room.

I watch the small dot for a second, then it starts to walk away confirming my concerns to be true. Sehun was waiting for me to go to bed, even soaked to the bone, probably getting sicker by the second and he still waits.

I groan and shake my head, lowering my gaze to the floor "what are you doing Sehun? Don't you know I'm trying to protect you" 

I look back up watching the yellow disappearing into the distance "you stupid boy, you're going to ruin everything, aren't you?"

>>>>>

It's been almost a full week since I agreed to try a friendship with Sehun and I haven't seen him once. I keep telling myself that this is a good thing that the more distance between us the better off we will both be, but my mind keeps swirling back to concern.

I've found myself so worried over Sehun that I've let myself become distracted at school and work, and I've even lost some sleep over that little monster.

I knew I shouldn't have let that boy walk home like that the other night, but he's so damn stubborn. 

I sigh heavily, watching a couple of Sehun's fraternity brothers eat and chat happily across the cafe i finally took Coach Minseok up on coming to. He's been trying to get me to come here since I joined the soccer team, but much like how I feel on the team and at work, I just kind of don't fit in here.

I know how important Sehun is to all of them and a part of me feels guilty for turning the boy's advances away. Sehun is a great kid, it's easy to understand why they're so protective over him, but it's also easy to see why they have every right to hate me.

I sigh, about to stand and just leave when the entrance door jingles merrily from the bells hung on it and in walks the subject of my constant stress for the past week. 

Sehun's nose is a little pink and his full lips are chapped like he, as I had feared, is getting over a cold. I sigh as guilt tugs at my chest and I curse Sehun under my breath, sinking down into my seat.

"You know, it seems kind of counter productive to obsessively worry over someone all week then try to hide the second you see them again" Minseok says sitting down in the seat across from me, scaring the crap out of me and making me jump.

He smirks slightly and pats my hand "seriously though, I'm sure he'd appreciate your concern, just go talk to him"

I shake my head and sip at my coffee "he's with his friends" I say motioning to the way Sehun's being surrounded by his brothers, who are hugging and petting at him like the child they constantly treat him like.

Minseok chuckles, forcing me to pull my eyes away from the blond haired boy across the cafe "Lu, have you even thought about the possibility that they can be your friends too? Those guys are great guys, I've known them all for a while now and they're like my little brothers and you work, go to school with and are on the same team as them... What's stopping you?"

"They probably hate me, I'm not exactly as nice to Sehun as I should be and that's the one person they are overly protective of" i say wrapping a fidgety hand around my coffee cup.

Minseok chuckles "ah, yes, I've heard about this, the guys make it a common topic at our weekly get togethers"

My lips pull down into a deep frown "you guys talk about me?"

Minseok shrugs "a little bit, but nothing bad, actually the guys really like you, they're just confused about you're behavior" he reaches across the table again and taps the top of my hand "maybe if you explained things, I'd be different Lu, maybe if you told them your side, they'ed understand... Trust me kid, you're missing out if you don't have those guys as your friends"

I shake my head and lower my gaze "they wouldn't understand Hyung, they've never had to understand"

Minseok sighs, glancing over at Sehun's table and I follow his gaze the boy currently leaning on a tall guy with large ears "are you sure about that?"

I raise an eyebrow bringing my attention once again away from the boy "everyone keeps insiuating that there's something I don't know about Sehun, what is it? What am I missing?"

Minseok smiles and takes a sip of his own coffee "maybe you should ask him"

A long defeated sigh flows from between my lips "I've been told that"

Minseok grins, rolling his eyes "well when you have multiple people giving you the same advice, it's usually a good idea to take it"

I groan and run a hand through my hair "do you think I should give this friendship thing an actual shot then?"

Minseok's already nodding even before I finish my sentence "it's ok to let yourself be happy, Lu, and I have a good feeling that giving in and letting yourself get close to Sehun will be good... For both of you"

I smile wistfully "maybe... But not today"

I stand up and Minseok gives me a look like he wants to protest, or hold me down till I submit to what he wants, or maybe both, knowing the older.

I grin harder and pat his shoulder "I have some shopping to do hyung, I'll see you later, ok?"

Minseok sighs and nods, giving up before an attempt is even made to stop me and for that I'm grateful. It's one of the things I love about Minseok, that no matter how bad he wants to intervene, he still respects my wishes.

Grabbing my coat and my coffee, I give Minseok one last wave and exist the coffee shop, slipping out seemingly undetected by Sehun and his friends.

Heavily weighted steps take me to the subway, my mind a barrage of jumbled up thoughts. This is the last thing I wanted when I came to Korea, to have such complications was not in my plans and I hate when things don't go according to my schedules. I came here to escape the problems, not to find more.

I groan as I enter a subway car and lean my head against the glass on the wall opposite the doors, frustrated, but above all confused about how I ended up here.

"I thought you were going to stop ignoring me hyung?" A voice slithers into my ear, nearly sounding seductive.

I spin around quickly, coming eye to eye with those honey brown irises I've come so accustomed to subconsciously searching for every time I enter a room. I shake away that thought and blink up at the boy standing in front of me.

"I-I wasn't ignoring you, it's j-just that you were with your friends and I didn't want to bother you" I say glancing down at the ground, my cheeks heating up at the unnecessarily small distance between us.

Sehun hums thoughtfully and lifts my chin up with his pointer finger, looking deep into my eyes, like he's searching for a lie that doesn't exist.

"They're your friends too hyung, we actually talk about that sometimes, about why you never hang out with us... It's one of the reasons i want to be friends, because I'd hate to think that you're staying away from them because of me" he says, his eyebrows creasing in a distressed expression.

I quickly shake my head and reach out a hand placing it on his chest before I realize what I'm doing, then yank it away as if the boy had just burst it I flames. My gaze falters and I find myself looking anywhere but at him.

"It's not that, I just..." 

What am I suppose to tell him? That it's not him? Because that is the exact reason I was keeping my distance. I hate lying to Sehun and every time I do I feel like I'm betraying a part of myself. I close my eyes briefly and release a large breath.

"I'm sorry, I just didn't think they were to fond of me after how I've treated you... I know I was being a child and I was acting weird, but I can see the way you look at me and I know you like me and even though I don't see you like that at all..." I hear an indignant huff and peek my eyes open, to find the stone faced, guarded expression plastered across Sehun's face.

I blink at this because Sehun's never done this with me, he's always been very open and honest with me, but this feels like I've broke him, like I've said something I shouldn't have.

"I mean...I-"

"No, it's ok Luhan, I understand, you don't have to explain... I get it, I shouldn't have pushed so hard" he goes to take a step back.

A part of me tells myself to just let him go, that this is what should have happened from the beginning, but another part of me can't stand the coldness, can't stand the thought of what's going on inside his head.

I reach out and grab a handful of his shirt, pulling him back towards me, breaking the unemotional facade he has on, making his eyes widen and lips part in surprise.

"I-I didn't mean it like that" I stutter out "I was just afraid you were setting yourself up for something I couldn't give you, that you were getting some ideas about us that couldn't happen" 

His emotions shine through his eyes unfiltered this time and I notice the hurt there, but I can also see something else sparkling there that I'm unsure of how to process.

"Was? Couldn't? These are in past tense? So does that mean you're coming around to me?" He smirks playfully "does that mean I just need to keep wearing you down?"

I roll my eyes and open my mouth to disagree but at the same moment the subway stops and when the doors open, a small army of people start to pile in.

Almost instantly I'm forced against the wall, with my back pressed against the windows and in turn Sehun pressed against my front. His arms shoot up, bracing against either side of my head on the wall I'm pressed to, creating a almost cage like barrier between me and anyone around us. I bite my lip, my cheeks set to flame, and my breath commons out labored.

I suck in my stomach, pressing myself as hard as I can to the wall, trying to put as much distance between myself and Sehun as possible, and to my relief, with the way his arms are straining to hold against the assault of people pressing against him, the boy is trying to do the same.

The train starts moving once again, jostling us a little and I glance over noticing the tremble of Sehun's arms and then the way his eyes shift in labored concentration.

I sigh, finally just giving up in attempt to keep the distance from Sehun and let myself give in, sinking forward into his warmth. I lean in pressing my head lightly against his chest, breathing in the light but wonderful smell of the boy in front of me.

My heart beat kicks up by the proximity, and judging by the gasp Sehun releases and the slight tensing of his muscles, he's just as affected by the contact. I reach behind me, pulling his arms down from where they were anchored and guide them around my waist. 

I hear him swallow thickly and chuckle "don't get any ideas, this is just better than watching you struggle to hold yourself up"

His arms tighten and I feel his chest moving from his own laughter "come on hyung, don't act like you hate this"

I shrug knowing he can feel it "just a prolonged hug between friends, nothing more"

He leans down and buries his face in the crook of my neck, forcing a gasp of my own from my lips and my pounding heart to skip a beat or two.

"You'll give in eventually hyung, but don't worry I'll wait for you, I'll wait as long as it takes" he says, his breath   
tickling my neck, forcing my eyes to close and my breath to shallow.

I roll my eyes and just let myself surrender for this moment, let myself give in to the addictive feeling of being locked into Sehun's arms, pressed up against his chest, breathing in his delicate but intoxicating sent.

But as the train knocks us around and people press us closer together I find myself wondering how easy it would be to surrender completely to this boy.


	12. Dodging the troll (xiuchen)

~Minseok~

The day starts as it always does, a soft melody plays in the background as the wonderful and smoky smell of coffee fills the small cafe. I smile to myself taking a deep lingering breath, the comfort of the familiarity that it brings, centers me, readying me for the day ahead.

I take a small look around the room, light is just starting to peek out from the horizon, teasing the still mostly asleep city with its dusty rays. The sunrise floods the cafe making it look almost magical and to me in always sort of does. This cafe was always my dream, and the fact that I can wake up every day and do the thing I always aspired to, makes me feel proud and happy with my life. I'm content with my life. I'm more than happy with how it's panned out and I have no regrets on how I've lived so far... well maybe one.

Jongdae has barely left my mind since he walked out of the cafe the other night, and I guess in succession back into my life. The way things ended, or how they never really started was something I've always pushed out of my mind, choosing not to think about how one of the things I wanted wasn't obtained. Achieving my goals has always been one of my personal habits and proudest attributes, but knowing that I left something unfinished, unacknowledged... it ate at me, until I finally pushed it from my head, accepted the heartbreak as what it was instead as seeing it as a personal failure, and focused on my larger and much more important dreams, but now... now, a certain fox like, and sexy voiced man is forcing me to think about things I never wanted to think about again.

Suddenly the cafe doesn't look as magical or glittery as it did seconds ago, no, now it looks menacing and brooding. A soft sigh escapes my lips as I pick up a glass off the counter and start wiping it with a pink rag (Tao insisted we get them because they give the cafe a pop of character, and sometimes it's easier to give into that little monster than it is to argue), hoping the mindless act will clear my head of the frustration it's brought itself.

"Someone looks serious" I jump at the voice and the glass drops from my hands, lands on the floor with a dramatic crashing sound "oh shit, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" Jongdae rushes forward, looking me from head to toe, with a deeply concerned look on his face.

I blink at him a few times and try to clutch at any sort of sanity I can find in this second "w-what are you doing here?"

Jongdae lifts an eyebrow and a short chuckle falls from his thin lips "earth to Minseok, you are surrounded by broken glass, worry about unimportant things after we figure out if you're uninjured"

I take a deep breath and shake my head, looking down, realizing the truth in the man's words "oh shit"

Jongdae snorts and shuffles forward "did any of it catch you?"

I bend down and start to pick up the larger chunks "no, I'm fine, it happens all the time, one of my employees is Chanyeol, remember?"

Jongdae crouches in front of me and swats my hands away, picking up the glass himself "right, but still, sorry about scaring you"

I feel my cheeks flush slightly at the close proximity we're in and glance away, clearing my mind of the sudden fuzziness the smell of Jongdae is forcing into my head. The smell of him on his jacket is nothing compared to the live things, it's nearly intoxicating. The want to crawl into his arms and burrow into him, just to take a deep breath. It's almost overwhelming.

"I'll get a broom" I say, standing up quickly and rushing to the back of the cafe, into the office, which is supposed to be my personal office, but I never use it because I prefer to be out front running things, rather than stuffed in here on my computer. Paperwork can wait till we're closed, my cafe is the main focus of my life and being in the center of it is my life force.

"Ow" the exclamation of pain sends a jolt through my body and I hunt to grab a broom and the medical kit, before nearly running from the room, back out front to survey the damage.

"What happened? Are you ok?" I ask, rushing to his side.

He holds his hand cradled in his other, a small wince furrowing his eyebrows "just a small cut, its fine"

I shake my head "come on" I lead him over to a booth on the far side of the cafe and sit him down, pulling his hand toward me once I sit across from him. I observe the cut and come to the conclusion that he's right, it's just as small cut, but it'll still need to be cleaned and have a bandage put on it. "This might burn a bit" I warn, before wiping it with an alcohol swab.

His hiss echoes through the room and I resist the urge to do the same "so, answer my question now, why are you here?" I ask, continuing to clean the cringing boy's finger.

"I just wanted to get a coffee before I head to my classroom, I... I just wanted to try the coffee the boys constantly rave about" he shoots me a cocky, but slightly wobbly smile because of the stinging of his finger.

"I haven't opened yet" I say with a sigh.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I just saw you in here and assumed... I shouldn't hav-" he exclaims, embarrassment entering his eyes and dusting his cheeks.

Chuckling, I pull out a bandage and unwrap it "it's ok, what do you want?" I ask, wrapping the bandage around his finger and pressing it lightly into place.

Jongdae blinks at me for a second, like he didn't quite understand my question and is interpreting it in a completely different way, before clarity fills his eyes "just a mocha espresso, please"

I nod and stand, walking over to the coffee machine, to begin constructing his order "you said you were heading to your classroom... are you taking a class or something?"

Jongdae snorts again "teaching it actually"

I spin around, unable to keep the surprise off my face "you're a teacher?"

He laughs harder at this "I know, hard to believe, isn't it? The one kid in college whom no know knows how he graduated, is actually a professor now at said university"

I shake my head in amazement and feel a small smile tug at my lips, as well as a little kick of pride well in my chest for the man in front of me "I never doubted how you graduated, Jongdae... You're smart, you always have been, even back then... you just choose not to use it"

Jongdae lets his head bow slightly, looking down at the floor "you were always so observant, Min"

I chuckle and turn back around to finish his drink "perk of being quiet, you see a lot that others miss"

I finish Jongdae's drink and fix it up with a swirl of whip cream and a chocolate drizzle, and hand it to the man, who's smiling wistfully at me.

"I missed a lot back then, Minseok... but don't think I was oblivious" he winks and places a couple notes on the counter, before swiveling gracefully on his heel and briskly walking out of the cafe, back into the pre-risen sunlight.

I stare at the door for a few minutes, the magic screen lifted from my senses and I finally realize that, that man is nothing but trouble. I sigh to myself as I move around the counter to start sweeping up the broken cup off the floor, and make a resolve to keep my life separate from Jongdae's.

I've worked hard to get to where I am. I was content, happy with my life, with my successes. But now, that man makes me want things I convinced myself that I was better off without a long time ago.

I need to just let the idea of Jongdae go, along with the old feelings that stir every time I see him. I just need time to get over the tightening in my stomach and the fluttering in my chest every time I see him. Which means that I need to keep my distance from Jongdae till I can form my walls to keep him out.

I just hope I don't block myself in from the rest of the world in the process, like I did all those years ago.

>>>>>

~Jongdae~

"So how's it going with wooing our dear Minnie?" A deep voice asks over my shoulder.

I take a deep meaningful sigh, answering the question without even turning around "Chanyeol, I am your teacher right now, this is not an appropriate conversation"

"Not for another..." a short pause, probably as he's looking at his phone "four minutes" he finishes.

"It's still none of your business, Chanyeol. My private life doesn't nor should it, concern you" I say pointedly, hoping my tone comes across loud and clear for the boy.

"It is my business, Chen. It may not look like it, but Minseok is delicate, and he's a very dear friend to me... I just want the best for him"

I cast a glance over my shoulder, my eyebrows furrowing at the insinuation that I'd do anything to purposely hurt Minseok "and you think I don't?"

Chanyeol lowers his eyes to the ground "that's not what I'm saying Chennie, I just..."

At that moment, I catch the sight of a few students who've actually managed to make it to class on time, starting to pay attention to our conversation, the very thing I was trying to prevent.

My eyes roll on autopilot, while I place the white board marker down into its holder beneath the board "we're not talking about this, Mr. Park"

Chanyeol reaches up and grabs at his shirt right over his chest "oh that hurts" he mocks, making a pained expression and falling off my desk "your formality scorches my already fiery heart"

"I see you've been working on your vocabulary" I note, trying to defer the conversation.

Chanyeol straightens himself, obviously aware at what I'm doing, but allowing it on principle of other students starting to flow into the classroom "I have to Mr. Kim, my teacher is so dang anal about descriptive word use"

I snort and swat the giant dork off my desk "you're damn right I am, now take your seat Chanyeol, or I will kick your ass out of my class"

Chanyeol smirks, whipping out an "I love it when you order me around like that" but stands and does as he's told nevertheless.

Another eye roll presents itself, before I can compose myself, but I chose to ignore it and move to the front of the room "alright guys, you know what to do... let's see how bad I can be disappointed today"

****

The little café is warm and welcoming as it always is, when I step inside. I take a deep breath breathing in the familiarity and comforting scent filling the room. It smells sweet and spicy all at once, and I can't help but slowly become entranced by this scent, because it doesn't just smell like the café, it also heavily clings to one hamster like male, who.... Is nowhere in sight.

My eyebrows knit together as I look around for the owner of said coffee shop. I'm used to seeing the man flitting around the small café, chatting happily with customers or behind the counter creating the masterpieces only he can conduct. (I love Chanyeol, but the boy doesn't come close to Minseok's skills)

Surprisingly Minseok is nowhere to be seen and I don't seem to be the only one disturbed by this sight. Chanyeol looks up from his notebook and textbook, noticing the look on my face, and glancing over his shoulder to the office at the back of the café. He shrugs and gives me a look of confusion of his own, then sighs and stands up straighter as I approach.

"He's been in there all day... I don't know what's wrong, he's never absent from the front of house for this long... he even gave me strict instructions not to be bothered unless it's important" Chanyeol's says, his eyes becoming more and more troubled before as he speaks "did... did anything happen between you two... like anything that would bother him?"

I shake my head "no, I stopped by this morning, but we just talked and I thought it was a very nice conversation, I actually thought we were making progress"

Chanyeol sighs "maybe that's why, because you were making progress"

I bite at my lip and mull it over in my head. Could Minseok be trying to keep his distance from me? Is he trying to push me away? After how I treated him in college I wouldn't be surprised, hell I'm surprised he even acknowledges my existence, let alone speaks to me civilly. Maybe I was just too optimistic to think that Minseok can forget the type of person I was back then, maybe I was just too hopeful that time can just override all past wrongdoings. Some things just can't be forgotten, they have to be forgiven, and that's what I need to work on getting. I need Minseok's forgiveness, and I know it won't come easily, but I know it's something worth the work.

"I'll just take an espresso, Yeol, and I want to buy Minseok's favorite pastry" I say, determined.

Chanyeol tilts his head curiously, but types the order in anyways, and takes my money before turning to make my coffee. When he turns back and hands it to me, then reaches into the display case, retrieving a mocha bun, I have to smile to myself. 'Of course Min, some things never change'

The giant is about to place my pastry into a little pink box, before I stop him "that's not for me, take that back to your boss... My guess is that he doesn't eat those a lot because he'd rather everyone else enjoy them than him and there's rarely any left over by close"

Chanyeol blinks at me surprised and nods "y-yeah, h-how di..."

"Just a guess. Take that back to him and remind him to get up and move around a little, he gets leg cramps if he sits for too long" I say, turning around and starting towards the door.

"Wait" Chanyeol calls, and I pause with my hand on the door handle "what do you want me to tell him... about the bun?"

I smile and lower my head "just tell him it's from a concerned citizen" then I walk out the door, into the cool midday light, feeling my resolve harden in my chest.

'I'll get your forgiveness, Minseok, I won't stop until every hurt I've ever made you feel is healed, and I promise you this'

>>>>>

~Minseok~

A light knock pulls me out of world of numbers and order forms I had immersed myself in. It's nothing I'm not used to, but it's also something I usually save for my Sunday evenings, when we close early and it's just me here. I like it that way, no interruptions, and there's a pleasant calm that spreads through the cafe after hours at the beginning of a new week. Plus I get to spend my time when we're open out in the actual cafe, visiting with regulars and welcoming new customers, and just feeling the pulse of my beloved cafe from its center.

I sigh depressingly, really hating this feeling of disconnect "it's unlocked" I call over my shoulder.

"Hey, boss. It's just me" Chanyeol comes in, I can already feel the space in the small room lessen with his large presence, but it's not exactly an unpleasant feeling "I wanted to check on you, see how you're doing"

A small smile tugs at my lips and I shake my head at the boys doting tendencies "I'm fine, Chanyeol"

"Good, good... are you hungry?" he asks, trying to sound casual, but failing miserably.

I push back a chuckle, but humor the boy's strange curiosity "a bit, I got so wrapped up in this, I forgot to eat lunch"

I turn around slightly in my chair to look at the boy, catching his gaze, the look on his face holds an importance that I'm somehow missing the pretense of "are you ok? Is something wrong?" my eyes widen as every possible thing that could have gone wrong in my absence flashes through my head "what happened? Chanyeol I can't afford to replace that oven again, and please tell me Kyungsoo and Tao are in their designated areas, you know how territorial they are"

Chanyeol's arms are shooting out from his lanky form and waving his hands around like an awkward tree caught in a windstorm, before I even finish speaking "no, no, it's fine. Everything's fine, nothing's blown up and all of the brooms are locked away in the closet, out of Soo's reach... Everything's fine, Minseok"

A relieved sigh pulls from my lips, but my suspicious nerve is still buzzing "then what's up with you? You look like you just popped a boner in the middle of class"

Chanyeol sighs and turns around, retrieving something from the table by the door "here, since you've barely eaten anything today"

He places a plate on my desk, and I stare at it, my mouth watering at the sight "Chanyeol, how many times do I have to tell you, the pastries are for the customers. We won't make a profit if we eat it"

"It's paid for, by a customer with strict instructions to give it to you and to make sure you get up to stretch your legs because you'll get cramps if not" he says with precision so clear, it makes me think he practiced it "he said it was from a concerned citizen"

Chanyeol gives me another important stare and this time I understand... Jongdae.

I nod and turn back to my computer screen "I'll go for a walk after I finish this, you can leave now"

"Minso-"

"You can leave, Chanyeol" I say, a little more sternly than I meant, but the boy gets the message loud and clear, because the door closing sounds through the small room moments later.

I take a deep steadying breath, and glance down at the bun sitting on my desk, taunting me. How is it that, even when I distance myself between the man, actually putting a literal wall between us, he still manages to get to me?

Jongdae always managed to make my knees weak and my heart flutter. Like when he smiled (even if his smiles were never directed at me) I always found myself so entranced by them, or when he'd sing in the shower, early in the morning, when he thought everyone was asleep and no one could hear him. Forcing his voice on repeat in my head for the rest of the day... those small things made me fall in love with him harder each time. And now every time I see him, every time he says or does something that reminds me of how intensely I use love him, the stitches across my heart threaten to rip open.

Something's different about Jongdae though, it's like when I think about the person he is now and the person he used to be, they're completely different people, but when he's standing in front of me and I'm looking into his beautiful, freshly brewed coffee colored eyes, it's like I'm staring at my heartbreak. I feel that tightening in my chest and that knot in my stomach that I did all those years ago, when I lost something I never even had.

I want to trust Jongdae, I want to start over and give him a second chance to be my friend this time, to prove that he's the man I always knew he could be, but I'm scared of what I'll put on the line if I do this. Jongdae is a good person, but there's always a chance that that boy he used to be. The confused, cold, sarcastic, and even angry boy, I knew all those years ago, is just waiting to appear and break my heart again.

I put my trust in Jongdae once, even when I knew it was almost certain I'd end up destroying myself in the process, but I was so entranced by the possibilities, I failed to see reality. When it was all over, and the clock struck midnight, Jongdae disappeared, and all I was left with was the shreds of my heart, memories that thrummed in my head too painful to think about, and the inability to trust anyone for an uncomfortably long time... And I didn't even get to keep my glass slippers.

It's easier to let the separation take root, and let the point get across. I'm not interested in forming a friendship with Jongdae, especially when it's so easy to feel my heart wavering just at the thought of the man. It isn't worth the risk, it isn't worth the possibility of getting hurt again.

As I wrap the bun in a napkin and stand up, putting on my coat, I realize the truth in my thoughts, lacks conviction. Honestly, my chest hums at the slow but steady crumble of my walls. I sigh and shake my head, before walking out of my office, calling a quick "I'll be back in a bit" over my shoulder.

I don't for a second miss the knowing, and pleased look on Chanyeol's face, before I exit the cafe, into the crisp air outside. I take a large bite of my bun, nearly moaning as the not nearly familiar enough flavor caresses my taste buds, and start down the sidewalk.

I pass a few young couples as my walk leads me towards the university. Love is in the air, it being the season for it, and I scoff internally at all of it. I want to take every one of those couples by the hands and explain to them the harsh reality about love, the truth about what a heartless bitch it is, especially when that love is and remains unrequited.

'I missed a lot back then, Minseok... but don't think I was oblivious' I groan at those words replaying in my head. What is that even supposed to mean? What is Jongdae trying to tell me?

I sigh and run a hand through my hair as I find myself in a small courtyard space, on the edge of campus. Usually used for studying and just hanging out when the weathers warm. I remember that a good number of my fraternity brothers hung out here when we weren't at the house. I stop as a sudden thought enters my head and a small gasp leaves my mouth.

This quad is the first place I ever saw Jongdae, this is the place I first fell for that boy. I remember the second I saw him, his smile so bright, it made his eyes nearly disappear and his laugh so ridiculous it was endearing. I couldn't help falling for him before I could even blink, I never really had a chance.

"Why do I even care?" I say to myself "I have no reason or time to spend thinking about Jongdae... it's just confusing and irritating"

I take the last bite of my bun into my mouth, frustratingly munching on it, but freeze mid chew when "am I really that burdensome to you?" is asked behind me.

I slowly spin around, finding Jongdae tucked in the corner, sitting on the ground, with a book posed in his hand. He's wearing a heavy looking cream colored, wool sweater and fitted black dress pants, complete with a long black, dress coat. Honestly, the hot nerdy teacher look works for him, and it takes a second for me to compose myself, because I'm not used to seeing him like this. Jongdae watches closely as I obviously check him out with unrestrained amusement, dancing in his eyes, which I fail to see till I meet them.

"I didn't say you were a burden" I mumble out, glancing away. My cheeks suddenly warm for unknown reasons.

Jongdae's jaw ticks, his gaze seeming to clutch mine into a chokehold "it was implied" he sighs deeply and stands, marking his place in his book with what looks to be a receipt and fixes me with a serious, professional look "I'm sorry if I've bothered you Minseok, I just figured we could be friends. I mean, I never got to know you back in college and I kind of regret that. I can understand your apprehension to get to know me now, after the shit of a person I use to be, and I know I don't have the right to ask, but could you possibly give me a chance to show you... to prove to you that I've changed?"

My heart pounds at his words, I take an unintentional step back, and the hurt that crosses Jongdae's eyes makes it feel like my ribcage is caving in "Jongdae... I-"

"It's a no, right?" he smiles somewhat sadly "well, I expected that. I can't make up for four years of being an asshole, in just a week or so"

I breathe out, my lip trembling "you weren't an asshole, Dae, you were just... lost"

Jongdae's eyes sparkle at the mention of his old nickname "I think that's why I always thought so highly of you, Minseok, because you always saw the best in people, even when they couldn't see it in themselves"

Shaking my head, I nervously fiddle with the hem of my shirt "it was easy to see, Jongdae, I just had to look when no one else was paying attention. Like the week before finals, when you'd hold up in your room cramming for classes you didn't go to all semester, and still managed to pass every single one of them with flying colors, or when you'd sneak into the music room over holidays, when you thought everyone had left school, to sing Christmas carols and play the piano till your fingers bruised... you always were this person, you just let yourself get caught up in what everyone else wanted you to be"

I lift my head, suddenly aware of what I just said, hoping it doesn't give me completely away, only to find nothing but shock and awe spread from his wide eyes to his parted lips "I-I didn't... I thought..." Jongdae stutters.

My cheeks burn with well-deserved embarrassment "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, those were private moments... now I probably look like a creep... I'm really sorry"

I turn on my heel quickly and start to rush off, when my wrist is caught "Minseok" he says my name almost desperately, but I refuse to turn around "I... I'm sorry, Minseok"

Confusion bubbles in my chest, but yet a clarity that he's apologizing for more than just the way he acted back in college causes my knees to shake "Jongdae... do...do you remember" I question suddenly, not even knowing what causes me to bring it up so abruptly.

"Remember what?" he asks, not really in question, but almost like he's waiting for me to take the lead, like he's waiting for me to be the one to bring it up.

I turn around, my wide eyes meeting his own, the fear in them mirroring my own "Jongdae, do you remember El-"

A loud, piercing "marshmallow" sounds through the air around us, making me jump back, pulling out of Jongdae's hold.

We stare at each other for a few seconds, before the same loud sound repeats and I finally realize, what that blessed interruption was. I hurriedly reach into my pocket and pull out my phone, finding a text from Chanyeol asking if I was alright and if I was coming back soon.

I take a steadying breath and look back up at Jongdae "that's Chanyeol, I... I should get back to the cafe" I swallow the thick lump in my throat, pushing down every unsaid word and unwelcome feeling.

Jongdae nods and his eyes refuse to meet mine "y-yeah, I didn't mean to keep you" he finally makes eye contact and I can see that I'm not the only one pushing down feelings "c-can we maybe, finish this conversation another time, though?"

My tongue swipes quickly across my lips, while a war wages in my head. If I say yes, then I'm agreeing to talk through things, to possibly allow us to work towards a friendship, and possibly bring up memories I promised myself to keep buried. But how do I say no, when he looks as if he's holding his breath waiting for my answer.

I sigh and reach out patting his shoulder "I'll see you around, Jongdae" I say casually, but we both know the insinuation in my tone.

Jongdae flinches from my hand, and I have to force myself not to cringe at his obvious display of disappointment. I nod in understanding, and turn, walking away, leaving him there staring at his shoes.

This is my decision, this is what I want, and this is my way of saying it. I don't want friendship, I don't want to overlook the past and move on. I don't want to get to know the person Jongdae's changed into, because I can see myself really falling for him, and I can't go through that again.

But as I'm walking away, a tune plays behind me, echoing in the small space in the form of a whistle. It's a familiar tune, a song I've played on repeat a million times, a song that's always on continuous loop in the a back of my mind. This song isn't just a casual tune, it couldn't be, it would be too much of a coincidence.

I stop, my shoe making a scuffing noise against the pavement, my breath catching in my throat. If Jongdae remembers that song, that precise of a detail, then what else does he remember? I turn around quickly, needing answers, but no one stands before me. I am alone in the small quad, nothing but my shallow breaths and the light rustle of the wind surrounds me.

I stand there for a few minutes, before I force my legs to work and carry me back in the direction of the cafe on autopilot as my head swirls with a storm of emotions and thoughts. I stop outside the cafe, staring up at the sign before me, the name suddenly taunting me, laughing at me with wicked smugness.

Chanyeol pops me out of my head as he meets me at the front door, eyes wide and hair a mess, and covered in a red and pink colored substance. I'm instantly distracted and I kick into boss mode.

"What happened?" I demand, reaching forward and grasping the boy's ear before he has a chance to run.

"I didn't do it, I swear, I just tried to break it up" he whines, pawing at my hand as I pinch his ear harder.

"Chanyeol, I swear to-"

But I don't have a chance to finish my threat before the words "do it again, I dare you, you fucking cum dumpster" sounds through the small cafe.

I take a deep stabling breath and turn to the giant oaf next to me, speaking with clenched teeth "you were supposed to watch them"

Chanyeol seems close to having a heart attack when he answers "I was... but I... I turned around to text Baek for like two seconds, and then... I'm sorry, please don't kill me"

I take in a deep grumbling breath "Just shut up, Chanyeol. Let's just fix this before they tear my kitchen apart"

Chanyeol looks slightly panicked, but still squeaks out and "ok" before following me into the kitchen.

"You know the drill, I get Tao, and you get Kyungsoo" I say stopping at the door.

Chanyeol nods and squares his shoulders, readying himself "yes sir"

I go to move forward, but pause for a second before I do "oh, and Chanyeol"

"Yeah?" He asks in a foreboding tone.

I smirk darkly and look over my shoulder at him "you're on bathroom cleaning duty for two weeks for this"

I see Chanyeol's face scrunch up into something close to pain before I open the door, and step into the kitchen.

>>>>>

"Is everything ok, hyung" Tao drops into the booth across from me, and tilts his head to the side "is something wrong?" he reaches up and starts brushing dried red and pink icing from his hair, then looks up at me sheepishly "well besides the obvious"

I sigh and glance out the window at the slow moving traffic down the quiet street in front of the cafe "just lost in my head, Tao"

"Well tell me your problem, maybe I can help you find yourself" he says, picking up a damp towel, still cleaning the sugary substance from his blond locks.

I sigh and shrug, deciding it's better than running in circles in my mind "do you really think people can change? Like for the better, can people grow to become someone else? And if they can, how do you let yourself see the person they are, not the person they were?"

Tao mulls this over for a second, tilting his head to the side, and thinking over my questions "did you know that Kris used to be a really big asshole?"

I snort at the suddenness of his question but feeling like it relates, indulge in it "no, you guys never told me"

Tao nods, glancing down at the table "he used to be one of those 'I'm in the closet, so I'm going to make everyone who's not, miserable' kind of guys. Actually in high school he bullied me a bit, made hurtful comments wherever he'd come near me, started a couple of shitty rumors about me... He made my second year of high school hell"

My face pinches in disgust "that doesn't sound like Kris at all, the kid is a giant teddy bear"

Tao smiles lightly "well, he is now, but he didn't use to be... It only changed when we got partnered for a huge project that was worth a large portion of our grade and had to force ourselves to work together"

"I actually got to know him... and his father" Tao rolls his eyes "that man is a piece of work, but I kind of got why Kris was the way he was after that... And so did Kris"

"So what you two fell in love and he changed himself for you?" I ask, sounding pessimistic over this cliché story.

"Nope, we fought the whole time and we were lucky to have passed that class at all, and after it was over we didn't speak to each other for the rest of the year... I think the only thing that changed was how he treated me" Tao says, then smiles when he sees the look of hopelessness cross my face "but, wait, when he came back to school the next year, he was completely different. He was nice, funny, charming and most importantly apologetic. And he finally admitted that he was gay"

"What happened? Why did he change like that?" I ask, baffled by Kris's sudden change.

"His mom and dad got a divorce over the summer and he finally saw his dad for who he was and he saw that he was becoming the exact replica of him... My point, hyung, is that people don't magically change because you want them to. People have to want to change and put in the work to change themselves, but they can and do change if they're willing"

"But how can you be sure that they've changed? How can you be certain that they aren't just the asshole they use to be just with a better wardrobe? How do I let myself see the person he's become, not the person he is?"

Tao sighs and reaches across the table placing a hand on my arm "I guess you have to give a little to get a little, hyung.  You know who he used to be, but tell me. How hard have you tried to get to know the person he is now? How much to you really know him today?"

I take that information in and sit back in my seat. Tao's right, how much do I know about Jongdae? I haven't been in his life for years, I haven't seen what's happened, I don't know what he's been through. So, how can I say he hasn't changed when I don't really know anything about the person he is today?

This is even more complicated if he remembers what happened all of those years ago, because I'm not the same person I used to be either. What if he's come back after all these years looking for a boy that doesn't exist anymore? What if he wants to pick up at a place the bookmark was removed from?

"What if he doesn't like who I've turned into?" I question allowed.

Tao sighs "that trust works both ways, Minseok. To get to know who he is, you have to let him in to who you are"

I swallow thickly, and tug my lip between my teeth "what if I end up getting hurt again?"

Tao nods sadly at me "I said people change, but not always for the better, hyung. Guard your heart, but don't make it impenetrable, and most importantly trust yourself... And if all that fails, you have something you didn't last time"

I look deep into his catlike eyes, feeling like the younger of the two of us in this moment "what's that?"

"A family, who loves and supports you, hyung" Tao stands up and throws the towel he was using to clean himself up, over his shoulder "you'll always have us, Minseok, and that's something that will never change"

I smile at the boy before he walks away, and joins my other employees diligently cleaning the kitchen, while bickering lightly about whose fault the mess is.

My hands wrap around the mug in front of me and I bring it to my lips, taking a deep drink of the warm liquid. My eyes once again find their way out the window catching a glimpse of a small frame, wrapped in a dark leather jacket, walking quickly down the sidewalk towards our cafe.

A fraction of a second is all I have to make a decision to duck back to my office or to take my surprisingly insightful employees advice and give it a chance.

My decision is made when, the door opens, causing a gust of cold air to flow into the cafe, and I look up at my newest customer with a smile and an easy "welcome back"


	13. spark (Toris)

~Kris~

"Remind me again why you just had to pull me out of a class for this?" Chanyeol asks, picking up a random object off a nearby shelf and examining it closely.

I groan at the tall oaf and grab him by the shirt collar just as he's setting the object down, almost losing his grip on it before it settles safely last minute on the shelf  "try being a little less obvious, will you?"

Chanyeol rolls his eyes "Kris, I love you like a brother, but dude, don't be stupid. We're both really freaking tall, I think our very existence is obvious"

I close my eyes, reminding myself to stay calm, before opening them slowly, "at least try to duck behind something or act less like... You"

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow "I'm not sure if that was meant to be an insult, but considering that you're losing your shit right now, I'll let it slide"

I reach up and flick the awkward dork in the head "just focus please"

"Ok, ok, fine.... What are we doing here again?" He asks, turning back to the subject at hand.

I glance over the display of towels we are hid behind and risk a peek at the subject at hand "we are watching over Tao and his 'friend' while they shop"

"So we're spying on your boyfriend and his friend, because you're a jealous monster who can't be contained?" Chanyeol asks, sounding exasperated, and turns around letting his back rest against the display, not at all doing what I brought him here to do.

I roll my eyes "i'm not jealous... i just... something about that guy, i just don't trust him with Tao. Tao's too sweet and gullible, he'll trust anyone, especially when they show interest in the things he's interested in"

Chanyeol snorts unhelpfully "whatever you have to tell yourself, hyung. You promised to feed me and honestly that's the only reason i'm here"

I pinch the bridge of my nose and glance over at the man who is becoming more and more like his best friend Baekhyun everyday (which is something i didn't think was possible).

"What?" he asks innocently, looking up at me with wide eyes "i'm just being honest"

I reach over and pinch his ear, dragging his ass off the floor and forcing him to turn around "just pay attention, will you?"

"Ok, ok. damn, you and your fucking yaoi hands" he exclaims, rubbing his ear with a wince, but focuses as i ask.

A sigh leaves my lips at how ridiculous I feel right now. It's not that i don't trust Tao, i know he's an adult and can make his own decisions, but sometimes Tao can be a little too impressionable.  He has a tendency to trust people so completly without even thinking twice about it, and i worry about him. Don't get me wrong, it's one of the things i love about him, but people are just too quick to take advantage.

Maybe i'm also a little concerned that Tao might actually enjoy the company of someone else, just because it's new and different. With the way we've kind of drifted from one another recently and the lack of communication... what if Tao really doesn't love me like he use to. What if he finds that he likes talking to this guy and enjoys doing the things they have in common and we lose years together because Tao finds something new to move on to? Tao's known to drop things easily when they get boring or too complicated, so my worry is reasonable, but i still feel childish ducking behind an advertising display to hide, while stalking my boyfriend.

Though the possible loss of my pride doesn't mean i'm going to give up my little stake out. I'm far too curious about how these two interact with each other and if there's a possible spark that shouldn't be there. I want to know if i need to be ready to fight or if it really is my stupid worries and insecurities getting in my head once again.

"They are seriously just giggling at stupid things and having a good time, i mean Tao and Baekhyun do the same thing. I don't think there's anything to worry about"

I sigh, just as i feared, i'm overreacting. Of course i'm making more of a deal out of this than i need to, even as i've gotten older, the familiar habit just slips back into place as it use to. I use to be such a hot head back in high school. Being with Tao was so different back then, i didn't know how to operate a relationship with a guy and i was always so scared that Tao would get fed up with me and leave because i was a terrible boyfriend. Jealousy fumed so bad in me back then because i was scared that i was going to lose the man i had fought so hard to get. It took me forever to finally let someone past the borders i had set up when i was so young, but when i finally did, Tao was waiting with open arms that felt like home, a home i had been searching for my whole life. It's hard to go back once you finally put your heart into someone's hands, so naturally i wanted to keep Tao by my side at all costs... even by looking like a jealous idiot, which i'm sure i look like now.

I'm about to stand up, and give up, when i catch sight of Tao's friend reaching out and placing his fingers against Tao's earring, rubbing it lightly and giving Tao a look that is anything but friendly. To which Tao just smiles shyly and actually fucking blushes, looking down and biting his lip.

What the actual fuck?!

"Ok, well maybe he's just really into those earrings, i mean, they are cute. I'm sure Baek would love them, and..."

"Chanyeol" i growl in warning "shut up"

Chanyeol clears his throat and ducks his head "yep"

I continue to watch as Tao reaches out and grabs that dick's hand and leads him to another part of the store, normally a usual thing for Tao to do because he's always touchy with friends, but after what just happened i can tell in the shy way he's holding himself, that it's a flirty handhold. 

"I'm going to kill them both" i hiss.

I jump up from my crouched position, ready to attack, but Chanyeol grabs onto my arm (with a surprising amount of strength, like what the fuck? Has he been working out?), and holds me down.

 

"Don't" he warns "if you go in there fists flying, trying to beat the shit out of his new friend, with an impressive vocabulary of multilingual curse words, who's going to look more appealing in that moment?"

My upper lip ticks angrily "i don't give a shit"

"Yes, you do, your anger is clouding your judgment right now. Kris, buddy, please trust me on this. If you do this, you're only pushing Tao further into his arms" Chanyeol says, putting his hands on my chest in attempt to calm me.

"But the only other thing i can do is walk away, because i can't continue to watch that shit, i will actually kill the velociraptor then" i spit, my arms trying to escape Chanyeol's annoyingly solid grasp. 

Chanyeol sighs "then let's leave"

My eyebrows bunch, and my jaw tightens "but, i can't leave Tao alone with him, not when he's all touchy and... and... touching what's fucking mine. I'll fucking castrate him"

"Ok, ok. See you're working yourself up again, let's leave. Those shy touches are just in the beginning stages of something anyways, don't worry, it won't go any further than that, at least not today"

My jaw clenches, and i look at him with wild eyes "not today? Do you really think you're fucking helping right now?"

Chanyeol rolls his eyes "then how about this, trust Tao. Trust Tao to know when to draw the line, and if he doesn't... then... Then maybe you have a bigger problem than you thought"

I feel the fire within my chest evaporate from me within a second and sag back against Chanyeol, who grunts at my weight, but still holds me up nonetheless "what... what if he's really done with me, Yeol? I don't know who i am without Tao"

Chanyeol sighs in a way i can only imagine as sympathetic and pats my shoulder "come on, man. Let's go get something to eat, you'll feel better after you get some food in you"

Chanyeol helps me stand and leads me out of the store, with his arm around my waist, and for the first time since i pulled the kid from his class, i'm glad he's here. 

>>>>>

~Tao~

"What are they doing?" i ask, watching Jonghyun lean over the rail, on the third floor overlooking the food court.

"Poor guy looks numb, he's kind of just staring off into space and occasionally eating a fry. The other one however, you know the one with the ears, just keeps talking nonstop, like i'm actually concerned. Do you think he's getting enough air?" Jonghyun questions, taking a sip of his milkshake, continuing to watch the boys.

I sigh "do you think we pushed it too far? I mean this is a little early to start putting out flirty feelings, right?"

Jonghyun leans back, resting his arms on the rail "you wanted him jealous... well you got jealous. It's not always pretty, unfortunately. Jealously isn't just being pissed off, it's pretty painful sometimes, and makes you feel miserable. Tao... if you don't want to-"

"No" i hurry out, cutting him off "i don't want to stop, it's working, i just hate doing this to him"

Jonghyun nods and turns around, leaning his back against the rail "all we have to do is wait now"

"On?" i ask, shuffling my feet, and kicking the leg of the bench i'm sitting on.

"To see if he wants to fight for you, or... if he wants to fight at all... in which case, if he doesn't, was going to happen eventually" Jonghyun says in a tone like he's trying to break the death of a family member to a child.

My heart clenches painfully at that though, but i know Kris, i know the love of my life and i know he'll fight for me. I know the years we've been together mean more to him than just walking away, Kris isn't that type. He'll nearly kill himself before he gives up on something he cares about. I learned this many times watching him on the field, Kris will push himself  to the point of breaking if it means the outcome will be worth it. 

I believe in our future, i believe in our relationship, i just hope Kris feels the same.

"But i have no doubt he will" Jonghyun mentions.

I look up, and he smiles at me teasingly "i thought i was going to get my ass kicked when he saw me touch you earlier, which you reacted perfectly to, by the way"

I smirk and shrug "i just thought about the first time Kris did something like that to me and the blush came naturally, then i grabbed your hand and pulled you away because i also thought he was going to kick your ass. I'm surprised he actually subdued himself, but then again bringing Chanyeol with him was a good call, the guy is a good mediator"

"Must be, Kris is twice his size" Jonghyun jokes.

I snort "Chanyeol isn't that skinny, at least not as he use to be, he's actually bulking up quite a bit"

Jonghyun raises his eyebrows "oh really, maybe you can set me up then if i can't get Kibum to see the rainbow light"

"You don't want that, trust me. The guy is in the same boat you are, he's in love with his best friend, but can't tell him"

"Is his best friend also trying to hide the inner gay?" Jonghyun asks, amused.

I shake my head dramatically "oh heavens no, Baekhyun is flaming, and he's also in love with Chanyeol"

"What?" Jonghyun cackles "it's Baekhyun? He's in love with that?" he motions over the rail, in Chanyeol's direction "they're both in love with each other? Why haven't you told them?"

I shrug and sip at my smoothie "it's more amusing to let them slowly figure it out on their own and skirt around each other like awkward fucks until then"

Jonghyun shakes his head "you're kind of evil, aren't you?"

I smirk and recline back onto my hand "maybe"

We sit there for a few more minutes, slipping into a comfortable silence, until Jonghyun turns around and informs me that the two giant idiot are leaving, making me feel relieved that Kris isn't going to kick Jonghyun's ass, but also worried for the same reason. 

There was a time back in highschool where Kris was sent to the principle weekly for starting fights over me, it was either some guy had said something about me, or they had checked me out. Kris made it his mission in high school to make sure everyone knew who i belonged to, but now it seems like he doesn't feel the need to claim me. I know it's kind of odd to want that type of possessive behavior, but in all honestly, i love the feeling. I love the idea of being possessed by someone, and that Kris will go insane over me if someone even tries to get close to me. I'm not sure why, but that almost animalistic craving we use to have for one another was the biggest turn on in high school.

It makes me wonder if he's just that comfortable and doesn't need to prove our relationship, or is it because our relationship has just slipped that far down his priority list. I hope it's the latter, because it's easier to respark Kris's interest, rather than convince him that he should be interested at all.

"Do you want to go get our nails done? I know a great place near campus" Jonghyun casually mentions suddenly, while averting his eyes, when i glance up at him.

I smile lightly and uncross my legs, standing up "could this be the nail salon that Kibum works at?"

Jongdae shrugs his shoulders casually "oh right, he works at a nail salon, i forgot. He might work there, i'm not sure... all i know is my cuticles need some major work"

I chuckle under my breath "alright, let's go. I could use a fresh polish"

Jonghyun beams and jumps forward, reminding me that i'm not the only one in this. I need to do everything i can to help Jonghyun, just as he's doing for me. Both of our hearts are on the line, i just hope the guys we're doing this for pulls their heads out of their ass's, before it's too late.

>>>>>

"How did it go?" Baekhyun asks, setting a beer in front of me, and sitting down on the stool next to me.

Jiyong gives him an annoyed look as he does so, but keeps a steady hand on the bottle of vodka in his hand, it's kind of impressive actually "you know you're not paid to sit on your ass"

"And you're not getting paid to get a dick shoved up yours, but that doesn't stop you and Seunghyun from fucking in the surveillance office" Baekhyun snaps, and i almost pat his head in pride.

There use to be a time when Baekhyun would crumble to Jiyong's bitch, but now he stands up to the man and i couldn't be more proud that Baek's found such confidence in himself.

"You have ten minutes, Baekhyun" Jiyong growls and move to the other side of the bar to take drink orders.

"He's being extra bitchy lately, i think Seunghyun stopped putting out" Baekhyun says trying to get his perfect little hands around my beer, but i slide it away before he can get a good grasp.

"Why would Seung stop putting out for that? I mean, Jiyong's a bitch, but also sexy as fuck" I say, taking a drag of the liquid, that Baekhyun is still trying to grab at.

Baekhyun sighs and shrugs his shoulders like he could care less about his brothers problems, but i know he's actually concerned for the older diva "something about Ji getting a little too close with our resident DJ"

"Seungri? But wait... didn't those two have a thing in high school?" i ask, feeding into this juicy gossip, eager to get the focus off of me and the stress in my life for a second.

Baekhyun nods, grabbing a handful of pretzels off the counter "if by thing, you mean fucking like rabbits constantly, then yes they had a thing"

I blow out a surprised breath and sit back on my stool "well i don't blame, Seunghyun, i'd be jealous too"

Baekhyun rolls his eyes "speaking of jealousy, let's get back to you. How was it today? Did the first stage go over well?"

I breath in deeply "yeah, i texted him early today and told him about going shopping with Jonghyun and he showed up just like you planned, he even brought your giant dumbass with him"

"Yeol?" Baekhyun exclaims with a full mouth, making him look like a distressed chipmunk who put too much food into his mouth and doesn't know what to do with it.

I cringe in distaste "yes, the big dufous was there, and he thankfully stopped Kris from beating the shit out of Jonghyun, but... i don't know. Kris wouldn't have been so easily subdued when we were younger, he wouldn't have given up that easily"

Baekhyun thinks about this for a second, crunching away on his pretzels "i think maybe Kris isn't the hot headed hormone infused teenage boy he use to be. Maybe he doesn't feel that it's appropriate to break someone's face in just because they flirt with you a little. Plus Yeol, is a genious when it comes to calming someone down, i mean like, he can easily get into someone's head and just fuck with you... it's creepy that a gift like that is inside of someone like that. He can push the buttons you didn't even know you hand, so maybe he found a button and pushed"

I narrow my eyes and lean towards Baekhyun "are you insinuating that your fuck toy broke my boyfriend?"

Baekhyun puts his hands up "i'm saying it's possible that Chanyeol found a bruise and punched it, Kris was probably insecure about it before Chanyeol brought it to light. Listen, this isn't your problem. Chanyeol isn't the one who caused all this"

"Then what is?" i ask, crossing my arms, frustrated.

"Ok, Kris is totally subdued in thinking he's safe, that you two are ok, and that you're not interested in anyone else. He trusts you to make the right call when it comes to someone else getting into your head, but we need to waver that trust a little" Baekhyun says, wiggling his fingers around to add emphasis.

"I don't want Kris to lose his trust in me" i say, taking another large swig of my beer.

Baekhyun puts his hands up in defense again "i'm not saying lose his trust completly, but throw it off for a second, make him question if he's losing you, not if you still love him or want him. He still needs to see that you love him, but it's starting to fade as your affection is being stolen, then he'll jump into gear and fight to win you back" he finishes, like it's the most brilliant idea he's ever had.

"But how do i do that?" i ask.

Baekhyun places his fingers on his chin, tapping lightly and puckering his lips in the most ridiculous thinking face i've ever seen. "i've got it," he suddenly yells and grabs my wrist "when you go back to the house tonight and you see him, don't ignore him, talk to him like normally. But...this is important, so pay attention, when you go to kiss him before going to get ready for bed, kiss him in a way that's absent of feeling, almost like you're kissing a lover for the last time, and when you pull back don't just look at him. Let your face say everything, give him a look like you're not satisfied and it's exactly like what you expected it to be"

"Baekhyun, what the fuck are you talking about? This isn't a damn k-drama" i say, feeling a little extra exhausted than usual by Baekhyun's bullshit. I should have gone to talk to Sehun, but the last thing i want to do is force my problems on a kid who's like a son to Kris and me. I can't put him in between us, he can't go through something like that again.

"Just do it, it'll make him think 'why is his face like that? was it not a good kiss? is he bored by it? Is he possibly wishing it was someone else kissing him? Am i losing him?' and then he'll get all jealous and defensive, thinking you're slipping away from him and he'll start fighting for you" Baekhyun says, and i think i'm going crazy because damn, he actually makes sense.

"Just trust me" Baek adds, finally seizing my beer and tripping it back quickly. I shake my head and i reach over, flicking the bottle, and causing too much to go into his mouth. Baekhyun pulls the bottle away from his mouth, spewing liquid out of his mouth and nose, while coughing and snotting all over himself. 

I chuckle and place a note on the bar, then stand up "i'll talk to you later, get back to work before Jiyong casturates you"

"You're a bitch" Baekhyun wheezes out, trying to wipe himself down with bar napkins.

I pass by Jiyong as i'm leaving, who just smiles amusedly at me and nods his head, which i reciprocate and smirk knowing i've saved Baekhyun's life for another night.

>>>>>

~Kris~

I'm sitting not so patiently at my computer when i finally hear Tao come into our room. He doesn't say anything at first and i wait for the worst, i wait for him to tell me that something happened today with Jonghyun. I wait for the news that he's really done and is leaving me for something new and exciting. I've had all evening alone with my mind and my worries are eating me alive. I just hate not knowing and doubting the man i love.

"I'm back" Tao finally says, sliding my headphones down to rest around my neck. Oh, right, that's probably why he didn't say anything... Brilliant Kris. Off to a great start.

I swallow down every bit of anxiety and cast a, "did you have fun with your friend?" Over my shoulder.

"Yes, Jonghyun and i had a lot of fun, we even went and got our nails done. I think i'm going to start using that salon he took me too, they did a good job and i liked the people" he says, casually, speaking as if it were any other night, which i guess to him it is.

I clear my throat, trying to act like i'm paying attention to the words on the document in front of me that i really do need to read for my morning class tomorrow, but i can't seem to concentrate.

"That's great, babe. When is your project suppose to be done, the one you're partnered with Jonghan or whatever his name is" i ask as indifferently as i can.

"Jonghyun" Tao corrects, sounding slightly annoyed "and it's already done, we turn it in Monday"

"But you two are still hanging out?" i ask, trying to keep my own annoyance out of my voice.

Tao sighs, and i don't have to see him to know he's rolling his eyes "of course, he's becoming a good friend, i really like him" he says, but there's an edge to it, like he's saying something other than what his words are telling me.

I turn around in my desk chair, and cross my arms, forcing a smile on my face. I need to see the look in his eyes, i need to see the truth in them. "that's great, i'm glad you've made a new friend. These guys kind of drive you crazy after a while"

Tao looks at me and smiles lightly, but there's a sadness to it, like he's looking at something from his childhood that he hasn't seen in years, a fond smile of past affection or love.

"I'm going to go get ready for bed, you coming?" he asks, his voice slightly clipped.

I fix my shirt nervously, wondering why i feel this sudden uncertainty "i'll be a few more minutes"

He nods and comes over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders and leans in placing a small kiss to my lips, one that makes me feel slightly unsure and forces a bad feeling into my stomach. He pulls back and that same sad smile from before forces it's way onto his lips, while his eyes search mine, like he's looking for something he lost in them. 

Tao sighs, seeming to find exactly what he expected and stands up straight "don't be too long, ok?"

"Of course, you won't even miss me" i say, but the answering click of the bathroom door says it all. He already does.

My head spins. What was Tao looking for? And why did he look so disappointed when he pulled back? Was he expecting something different? or maybe someone different? Was he expecting to see what he sees when he looks into Jonghyun's eyes and he didn't find it? 

My chest tightens at that thought, what if he really does like Jonghyun? Could I really stand in Tao's way if that's who he wants? Maybe i should let him go since he clearly doesn't see whatever he was looking for in me anymore.

I stand up abruptly, anger flaring in my stomach. No, what am I even thinking. This isn't me, this isn't what I want. I want Tao, and there's no way in hell i'm letting go of that man. I love him with every inch of my soul and I'll be damned if I let him just walk away from me. I fought way too hard to get that man, and i don't intend on losing him. 

I push my chair back a little rougher than i should have. Tao was looking into my eyes, he was kissing my lips. Tao is still searching for something in me, he's still waiting for something, which means there's still a chance. Tao is still mine, and that means i have the upper hand here.

This whole time i was scared that i had already lost Tao and he was moving onto someone else, that he was moving forward without me, but this proves it. Tao doesn't want to go without me, he doesn't want to leave me behind, he's just waiting for that spark. Tao wants there to be that new relationship, nervous feeling, can't get enough of each other, spark... and i'm going to give it to him.

Rushing towards the bathroom, homework completly forgotten, i throw open the bathroom door, and make Tao jump so hard he nearly stabs himself in the eye with his finger that has a makeup removal wipe wrapped around it. Tao was in the middle cleaning up his face and about to get into the shower, clearly by the way his shirt is already off and the shower running across the room.

"Kris, what the hel-" 

I cut him off, with my mouth slotting against his, as I pull him against my chest. His heart pounds against mine, and his hands fist at my shirt, while my lips move urgently against his, kissing him breathless and tattooing my name across his lips. Backing Tao up, i push his back into the sink, not breaking our lips, while my hands slide down his back and into his pants, getting a good handful of his precious ass. 

Tao moans into my mouth and i pull him tighter against me, biting at his bottom lip, then lean back, taking in a delicious breath of air. He looks up into my eyes, seemingly in a daze, completly lost at what to say.

"kris, wha-"

I smirk and lick my lips, his eyes following the movement "you forgot the rest of your kiss" i say smoothly, causing Tao to swallow hard "finish washing up, then come to bed, i'll be waiting" i say huskily into his ear, before letting go of him and walking out of the bathroom, leaving a disoriented Tao in my wake.

If Tao wants a spark, i'll give him a fucking inferno.


	14. Sundays at Baek's (Baekyeol)

~Chanyeol~

A long suffering sigh escapes my lips, as I lean against the counter and once again organize the straws by color (since Tao insists on ordering rainbow variety packs) to give me something to do. Sunday mornings are always the worst at El D's because it's too early for students to drag themselves out of bed just for a cup of coffee, and all of the university staff has the day off. The afternoons liven up a bit, especially when Soo starts making food, but until then, I'm stuck in this hell. 

I groan out loud, letting my head fall to the counter, because I hate not doing anything... Like I seriously might go insane with boredom soon.

I'm contemplating on going back into the kitchen to bother Kyungsoo, but also wondering if the possibility of being shoved into the industrial bread oven again will be worth it, when Minseok stalks into the coffee shop. His feet hit the ground in heavy near stomps as he makes his way towards the front counter. He stops at the pastry display case and opens the small door a little too forcefully. 

Minseok pulls out a mocha bun and shuts the case, before lifting the sweet to his mouth about to take a large bite.

"Hyung" I call, stopping him before he can bite down on the sugary treat. His eyes lift to mine, slowly. Minseok glares at me, as if he's waiting for me to challenge his actions.

I swallow hard and clear my throat "y-you said those are for paying customers only and that we shouldn't eat them... I-I just don't want you to be regretful later for eating it when you shouldn't have"

Minseok blinks at me, as if contemplating my death in a million possibles ways. His stare stays locked on mine as he slowly steps over to the cash register, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a couple notes. Minseok then opens the register, places the notes inside and slams the drawer closed all without his eyes wavering from mine for a single second.

I try to hold it in, I really do, but my mouth moves on autopilot. I won't even blame Minseok if he decides to punch me in the face at this point "enjoy your pastry, Hyung"

Minseok stares at me with almost wide disbelieving eyes, as if he's questioning if anyone can really be as stupid as he thinks I am right now. The answer to this question is yes, yes they can be.

"Go fuck yourself, Chanyeol" he says directly, then takes a bite of his bun, and finally breaks eye contact, walking to his office and slamming the door.

I cringe at the sound and blink rapidly at the counter in front of me, trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

Glancing around the cafe, I find Kyungsoo leaning against the doorframe between the kitchen and the front counter. He shakes his head at me and rolls his eyes, walking back into the kitchen without a word said, but leaving the weight of his silence to press down on me.

Bickering follows his absence, and I wonder if I want to waste the energy to go break those two up, or if I want to wait it out and see if it dissipates on its own.

Just a few more hours and I get to be with Baekhyun, I remind myself, pleasantly smiling at the thought. At least there's something to get me through today, and as I hear Tao's high pitch screaming from the back, pleading with Kyungsoo not to turn 'it' on, quickly followed by the loud buzz of an industrial mixer and more loud screaming, I realize it might be the only thing to get me through today.

>>>>>

~Baekhyun~

I stretch out, yawning a bit from being still for so long and shake my head. I hadn't realized how long I've been reading, but as I look out the large window in the living room, I realize just how low the sun is hanging in the sky. We'll need to head over to my parents soon, which quickly makes me wonder where Chanyeol is, it's not like him to be late.

The thought quickly disappears from my head though, when Sehun walks into the room, his sketchbook tightly tucked under his arm. He seems to be searching for something and stops when he notices me sitting on the couch.

He squints his eyes at me, tilting his head and appearing to size me up. What I'm guessing to be satisfaction, crosses his expression and he nods like the voices inside his head actually made a good point.

"Hyung" he says in a suggestive tone and I can already tell that this brat wants something and I already know I'm going to give it to him without a second thought. 

"Yes, my child?" I ask, marking my page in my book and setting it aside.

Sehun rolls his eyes "I'm not your child, Baekhyun"

I scoff at the boy "of course you are, now what can I do for you, baby boy?"

Sehun takes a deep breath, clearly not in the mood to deal with me today, like most days "I need your help. We have to draw the human form for one of our in class projects, but I'm a little out of practice with drawing people, so I was wondering if...-"

Excitement fills my chest and I sit up, cutting the boy off mid sentence "you want to draw me?"

Sehun's face pinches into one of immediate regret and he sighs deeply "yeah, all you have to do it sit where you are and act naturally. I mean, you'd need to be still and not move out of position, but... Yeah"

I smile brightly and hold up my hands "say no more" I say, silencing the awkward ramblings of the boy.

I dramatically throw myself on the couch in a lying down position and fling my arm over my head, before turning my face in his direction "go ahead, Sehunnie... Draw me like one of your french girls"

Sehun blinks at me, his lips parting and seeming to be trying to form words, but is unable to come up with anything. 

I stare at Sehun and wiggle my eyebrows suggestively, grinning widely with excitement.

Sehun takes a big breath and shakes his head "I just... I can't... I can't deal with this" then his face relaxes into a bored, almost annoyed expression (or as I like to call it, his default expression) and turns around walking from the room.

A frown finds my lips and I sit up, jumping across the couch and supporting my weight on my palms, balancing on the arm of the piece of furniture  "wait... Jack, don't let go. Jack, come back... Come back"

Sehun ignores my protest and continues walking, disappearing into the kitchen with the suave that only Oh Sehun, the resident ice queen, can possess.

I sit back and cross my legs, sighing dramatically and resting my cheek in my hand Disney princess style. No one ever understood Rose either, just a wild heart trapped in the repressive chains of society's ideals.

I move back to my original position and grab my book off the table, where I had placed it before, but before I can open it up, i catch an outline out of the corner of my eye. 

I turn my head to find Kyungsoo leaning against the doorframe leading into the den off of the living room. He stares at me with pinched eyebrows, his face twisted into a look of disgust.

"What?" I question the man, still not really close with him, myself. 

Honesty, I struggle with a small sliver of jealousy for Kyungsoo, because of how close and open he is with Chanyeol. I know there are things the giant tells the small creature that he doesn't tell me and that thought alone bothers me more than it should. But I tolerate their friendship because I know Chanyeol really does love the mini Satan.

"Why are you like this?" Kyungsoo asks dryly, his sense of humor clearly shining bright today.

I chuckle bitchily "what do you mean? Fabulous? Adorable? Perfect?" I ask, pulling my best confidence out.

Kyungsoo lifts an eyebrow "those words... I don't think they mean what you think they mean"

My eyes narrow, not wanting to be out bitched "I've seen Jongin's dick" smooth, Baekhyun. Genius, really.

Kyungsoo blinks at me and rolls his eyes, before turning around and throwing a quick "Who hasn't?"  over his shoulder as he walks away.

I scoff and pout slightly, thinking of all the snappy comebacks I could have said, when Chanyeol interrupts my internal temper tantrum by rushing into the room and nearly knocking over the bookshelf closest to him. I shake my head at the giant klutz and question why I love this man.

"Baek" he smiles that goofy, wide grin of his and flops on the couch, resting his head in my lap. Ah, right, that's why. "Sorry I'm late, Minseok was in a mood today and made me scrub the floors before I could leave"

I shake my head "it's fine, you have time to take a shower and change"

Chanyeol bellows a laugh "I do kind of stink, don't I?"

I roll my eyes, chuckling fondly at the man "oh yeah"

"K, I'll be done before you know it" he hops up and bounds out of the room, his loud stomps on the stairs could be heard through the whole house.

"Things would be so much easier if you choose me" Jongin cringes coming into the room from the kitchen, clearly listening to Chanyeol's stomps echoing from the second floor.

I groan and shake my head, while Jongin laughs in that loud, high pitched laugh of his and sinks into the couch behind me, reaching up to massage my shoulders.

I moan lightly at the feeling and let his fingers work magic on that one knot probably caused by my latest economics test "come on, Jongin. I can't let go of Chanyeol, just as you can't let go of Kyungsoo" I groan when he applies a bit too much pressure.

Jongin loosens his grip and sighs "we could always run away together, I mean... We'd get over them eventually, and have really amazing sex in the meantime.

I snort "sorry, but it's going to take a stronger man than me to deal with the whole Jongin/Kai combo. Plus, I've held onto Yeol for a long time, I don't think I could ever get over him at this point"

Jongin sighs sympathetically, and I note a sort of knowing in its sound "well all affairs are best short lived anyways"

I nod in agreeance, unable to form words, when he starts working on a particular knot I've been trying to get at for months. I feel a sensation on my neck and it takes me a second to realize that Jongin is placing small kisses to the nape. I relax further, always a sucker for attention and physical contact.

The touches remain innocent, very unlike Jongin to keep Kai at bay, especially when touching in such an intimate way.

"You ok, kid?" I ask, leaning back into him more.

Jongin hums a non-committed response and kisses the side of my neck, his hands rolling over my shoulders gently. I sigh and let him continue, clearly this is a weird form of comfort  for Jongin, but if it helps, I'll stay here as long as he needs.

Which isn't long, when a deep, slightly annoyed sounding voice breaks the silence in the room.

"Jongin" kyungsoo says, coming out from the den once again "why don't you come study with me, we could work on English" he suggests in a tone that sounds more like a command.

Jongin's fingers halt and I hear him swallow hard, like he's trying to mentally come up with any excuse he can not to. But finally a sigh comes from his lips and he gives me one last kiss to my neck and pulls away from me.

"Sure, hyung" Jongin agrees, in a too cheerful tone, that honestly worries me at how fake it sounds. He stands up from the couch and follows Kyungsoo into the den, closing the door separating the two rooms.

My jaw sets in worry and I'm across the room before i can even think about it, my hand ready to fling open the door and forcefully pull Jongin from Kyungsoo's claws. But I'm stopped before I can even touch the cold metal of the door handle.

"Baek, what are you doing? Are you ready?" Chanyeol asks behind me, his voice close, way too close.

I jump and spin around, nearly bumping into Chanyeol in the process. Chanyeol raises an amused eyebrow at me, and cocks his head to the side in an adorable manner that makes me want to grab him by his hair and kiss the fuck out of him.

"What were you doing?" he asks, glancing between the door to the den and me.

I clear my throat and shrug my shoulders nonchalantly "nothing, i was just going to... to put up my book" i say suddenly coming up with an excuse and holding up my book i just remembered is in my hand.

Chanyeol clearly fights a smile as he tries to act like he didn't see right through my bullshit. Obviously Chanyeol knows me too well and knows when i'm lying, but he also knows when not to ask questions and because of that i love him even more. (if that's even possible)

"So, ready?" Chanyeol asks after a beat.

I take a deep breath and nod "yeah, let's go. You know how my mom gets when he has to wait"

Chanyeol cringes "yeah, i'd rather not have to be on the other side of your mom's wrath... i mean people think your bitchy, but clearly they haven't met him"

I agree, grabbing my bag off the floor beside the door "if i wasn't so confident in the fact that i'm a badass bitch, i'd be offended by that"

Chanyeol's obnoxious snort follows me out the door as we make our way over to my parents, wondering what shocking and embarrassing things my mother will come up with tonight.

>>>>

~Chanyeol~

"Baekkie, Yeollie" that unnecessarily loud voice attacks us as we enter the large apartment, that might as well be my second home, with how much time i spent here as a kid.

All too quickly we are assaulted by none other than Heechul, Baekhyun's 'mother' as the man likes to be called and will absolutely reject the idea of anyone calling him father or dad. I made the mistake of introducing Heechul as Baekhyun's dad to a friend once when we ran into each other on the street and the man had actually grabbed my ear (a habit Baekhyun unfortunately picked up) and gave me a piece of his mind, right there in front of my friend... Kyungsoo still brings it up from time to time and has a good laugh about it at my expense.

"My boys" Heechul gushes and he pulls Baekhyun and me into a tight hug, crushing us together. 

I tense slightly, still even after all these years, i'm unused to Baekhyun's mother being so affectionate and treating me like his own. Baekhyun's arm on my lower back calms me though and i quickly relax, letting the man get it out of his system.

Heechul finally releases and holds us at arm's length "how are you guys? how's school been going? Chanyeol, you look like you haven't been eating properly, you're too skinny"

I sigh and smile warmly at the man "i've been working out a bit with a friend of mine"

Baekhyun turns his head abruptly and gives me a curious look, obviously he knew nothing about it, and there's a reason for that.

Heechul gives me a once over and steps forward feeling my arms and gives me an approving grin, then grabs our hands and leads us further into the apartment.

"Jagi, our Yeol has been working out" Heechul says, forcing us into the kitchen.

Siwon stands up, with a large pan, he had just pulled from the over and smiles brightly "is that so? Trying to impress someone, Chanyeol?" he asks, setting the pan on the counter and takes off the bright pink oven mitts (clearly Heechul's choice), before putting his focus on me. He looks me up and down, like Heechul had and nods, approvingly "yeah, i can see it. I feel like we miss so much"

Baekhyun groans suddenly and pulls away from his mother and walks over to Siwon to give him a hug "i talk to you guys all the time and you see me at the club almost every night"

Siwon rolls his eyes and flicks Baekhyun on the head "but i don't see or talk to my other son, now do i?"

Baekhyun pouts and crosses his arms "it's not my fault he won't come to the club"

I sigh, having had this conversation with Baek many times "it's just not my scene, Baek. I'm not a clubber, and i have an early class, i can't stay out that late"

Baekhyun mutters something close to "stupid morning class, only freshmen make that mistake" and moves to the refrigerator digging through it, mumbling under his breath, while Siwon swats at him and tells him to stay away from the food, because he'll spoil his dinner. I move over to the large dining table and take my normal seat, watching Baekhyun bicker playfully with his dad.

Honestly, it's not a lie to why i don't want to go see Baekhyun at work. I'm really not into the club scene, but the truth of it is that i hate to see Baek like that in a place like that. Watching him walk around in revealing, barely there clothing and flirting with people who just ogle at him like a piece of meat. The last time i went to see him, i watched a guy slap Baekhyun on the ass and nearly broke the guy's jaw. (Baekhyun of course knows nothing about it, since i waited till the guy left the club to beat the shit out of him, not wanting to make it worse for my best friend), but still, it's best not to even think about Baekhyun in that place, because all it makes me want to do is march in that club, throw him over my shoulder, carry him out, put some real clothes on him and wrap him in his fuzzy, ducky blanket, like the child he is.

"Yeol" the loud call of my name, snaps me out of my inner monologue and i look around for the source.

Heechul smiles at me amusedly and rolls his eyes "i asked you how your dad is doing, i haven't talked to him in a while"

I swallow hard, a sudden tightening in my stomach. Even if it's been a while, Heechul probably talks to my dad more than i do "fine, i guess"

Heechul give me a disapproving look as his eyes glass over in worry "how long has it been since you've talked to him?"

I think back, and wince at the answer i come up with, knowing Heechul won't be happy about it "Christmas, i think"

Heechul's eyes widen and he crosses his arms, and hardens his stance "Chanyeol" he says in a chiding tone.

"Heechul" Siwon says, getting his husband's attention and giving him a meaningful look when Heechul glances at him "not our place" he says quietly, but i still hear it.

A pitiful sigh leaves my lips and my eyes quickly find their way to the table. It's not that i don't want to talk to my dad or have a relationship with him, it's just too hard... since... it's just not really something my dad and me have ever really had, we were never close and we probably won't ever be.

"So the guy Yixing has been stalking found him out" Baekhyun suddenly announces, prompting my head to snap up.

Heechul's eyes widen and he spins in Baekhyun's direction "you're kidding"

"Nope, and get this, the guy knew that Yixing was stalking him the whole time" Baekhyun gushes, while his mother feeds into the juicy gossip without hesitation.

Baekhyun glances at me, while Heechul raves about how it must be fate that casted Yixing and the guys he's been stalking together, and gives me a worried expression. I smile gently at him in a sort of thankful, reassuring way. Baekhyun gives me a wink and turns back to his mom, sliding into the whole story of what happened the other night with Yixing and his stalkie. 

A slight tingly feeling spreads across my chest and I'm reminded of why I love Baekhyun so much. Baek's always been there for me, through the bad times, Baek was always so quick to step in when I needed him, and I wouldn't have gotten through most of it without him. I couldn't imagine where I'd be or who I'd be, if Baekhyun hadn't been in my life, and honestly i'd rather not try to.

>>>>

"So, why are you being a dick to Seunghyun? Your boyfriend is actually a good one, he's different from the normal line of losers you've dated in the past" Baekhyun suddenly asks Jiyong in the middle of dinner.

Siwon chokes on the large bite of food in his mouth and tries to eat faster so he can yell at Baekhyun, but Jiyong beats him to it "i don't see how this is any of your business"

Baekhyun scoffs, nibbling at the tomato on his fork "of course it is, i have to watch the giant dork walk around all sulky and depressed, while you ignore him all day. It's been almost a week, Jiyong. Cut him a break"

Jiyong rolls his eyes as Heechul sits up excitedly and folds his hands together, waiting for his son's response "if he's going to act like a jealous bitch, then i'm not putting out for him. Not every guy i talk to is fucking me" Jiyong spits.

Baekhyun grins and slaps the table "you cut him off? Because he got jealous over Seungri?"

Jiyong's eyebrows bunch and he narrows his eyes at his brother "yes, how did you know about Seungri?"

Baekhyun chuckles and waves his hand "matter of interest, i'm really talented at securing information, but that's not important. What is important, is why are you flirting with Seungri?"

Jiyong sighs, forcefully shoving his spoon into his rice "Seung flirted first, it's not my fault"

Siwon holds up a hand, and then i realise why he's been so quiet through this conversation. The man is more like his husband and children than he likes to think "with who?"

Jiyong rolls his eyes "that whore Daesung"

"Seriously?" Siwon gawks "who knew. I wouldn't have even thought about those two together"

"They're not together" Jiyong grits out.

"I mean, it makes sense" Baek says, ignoring his brother "look at those lips. Daesung probably sucks dick better than Ji ever thought about"

Jiyong launches out of his chair, hands aiming for Baek's throat, while Siwon and Heechul are quick to prevent their oldest from murdering their youngest.

I chuckle, watching the exchange. There's never a dull day in this house, and i'm kind of glad for that. This family has always been the polar opposite of mine and when i was a kid, it was always such a welcome change, especially when things got hard.

I remember the first Christmas i had with Baek and his family. My father was picking up an extra shift at the factory and i was alone for the first time on Christmas eve. It wasn't an easy night, and i vaguely remember crawling into my parents closet, where my mom always use to hide the presents until the week before the 25th. (i used to try to sneak in there all the time to get a peek at them, but my mom somehow always found me out) Baekhyun had found me there, huddled in a ball, and crying my eyes out. He didn't say a word, just grabbed my hand, took me to the bathroom, cleaned me up, then brought me to his house.

Siwon and Heechul didn't blink when Baekhyun walked in with me trailing behind, just opened a space for me on the couch, where we all curled up and watched Christmas movies together. When i woke up the next morning there were four new presents under the tree that weren't there the previous night, all with my name on them.

This family never even thought twice about bringing me into it, they never even flinched to take me in as one of their own, and for that i can't even begin to express my gratitude or love for them.

Baekhyun especially is so important to me, what he's done for me, the way he's always taken care of me. He is my family. Baekhyun is my home, and i love him so much. Which is why i hesitate to tell him just how much i love him. The thought of being with Baekhyun as more than his friend is a nice one, but the thought of losing him if we don't work out is terrifying.

I glance over at Jiyong trying to shove a piece of bread in Baek's ear, which Heechul nearly hurts himself because of laughing at, and Siwon still trying to pull the two apart. 

It isn't just Baekhyun i'm afraid to lose, it's all of them. This has been my family for so long, and if Baekhyun and i had a falling out, i'd lose everything i've known since i was a kid. I'd lose my home, and i can't go through that again. It's selfish, i know, but I can't risk losing my family, just because of some silly feelings. 

Baekhyun cackles as they finally restrain Jiyong in his chair, and my best friend rests his head on my shoulder. I feel my chest squeeze, and i reach over running my fingers through his hair, before the little puppy smiles up at me, with a cocky satisfied grin.

No, i really can't lose this over some little feelings...the problem is, i just wish i could convince myself that they really are silly little feelings.

>>>>

I bring in the last dish and place it in the sink, causing Heechul to smile up at me thankfully. He's always been like this, so warm and caring, unless you piss him off or mess with one of his kids that is. Baekhyun had to get his sass from somewhere, and he doesn't even touch his mother's level. 

"You ok, sweetheart?" Heechul asks, giving me a concerned look.

I pull up the best smile i can manage and nod "yeah, i'm fine. Why?"

Heechul sighs and pats my arm "you were just really quiet during dinner"

I shrug "just a lot on my plate lately"

Heechul smirks, much like Baekhyun's "are the feelings you have for my son, some of them?"

My lips separate in slight surprise, not much ever gets by Heechul. When Baekhyun and me were kids, Baek would always get into trouble, and i always felt the need to cover up for him. 

Like the time when we were really young and Baekhyun broke one of Heechul's favorite lamps in the hallway. He was so scared of getting in trouble, that when Heechul came and asked us what happened, i immediately confessed to doing it. Heechul had just sighed and told me that i'll get a half an hour time out, and that i wasn't getting dessert after dinner. Baekhyun had put up a protest and decided that if i was getting punished then so would he. Heechul had just shrugged and said "fine, both of you will get punished together". Baekhyun had sat with me through the whole time out and didn't even complain when he didn't get a piece of cake after dinner, but then later when Heechul had sent me home, he gave me a small plastic container with a piece of cake in it, and a knowing smile.

"Do you remember when Baek and i were kids and i broke that lamp, and you ended up punishing both of us, because Baekhyun insisted on taking it with me?" i suddenly ask.

Heechul chuckles and nods, "i do, what about it?"

"Later that night, when you walked me home, you gave me the desert I wasn't supposed to have, even though i was the one who confessed to breaking the lamp... why did you do that? How did you know it wasn't me?"

Heechul smiles "i just knew. The way Baekhyun looked so afraid and the way you seemed so concerned that he would be punished. You stepped forward with so much determination, and then Baekhyun was clinging to your arm, looking up at you with so much awe... i kind of just put it together that he had done it, but you were taking the blame. Plus it wasn't the first time you covered for him, Chanyeol. It just made sense."

"But why?" i ask, suddenly curious "Why didn't you correct me? Why didn't you call me out on it, or punish me for lying to you?"

Heechul turns to me fully and places his hands on my biceps, squeezing lightly "Why would i punish you for protecting my son? Why would i correct you for loving my son so much that you'd put yourself through punishment, just so he wouldn't have to? Chanyeol, you've always taken care of Baekhyun, and some days i'm so thankful he's had you by his side. Why would i discourage that?"

I blink at the man in front of me, too surprised to function properly. I hadn't ever really thought of what i did as protecting Baekhyun, just being his best friend. Taking care of Baekhyun always came naturally because he always took care of me. He always packed an extra lunch because he knew i'd forget to. He'd force me to read a book over the summer, which turned out to be our required reading for literature class because he knew i wouldn't if a teacher forced me to. He even applied to our university for me, because he knew i'd forget about the deadline.

"I guess i never saw it that way" i mumble, letting my eyes fall to the ground.

Heechul taps on my chin and makes me look up at him "that's why i never corrected it, because you never saw it as protecting him, or covering for him... you just saw it as your way of loving him"

I blink rapidly at the sudden assault of emotion "i really do love him, Heechul"

Heechul cocks his head and smiles "i know"

"No, like, i really love him" i say with a small sniffle.

Heechul rubs my arms gently "i know, Chanyeol" he says not surprising me in the slightest on how deep his understanding goes.

My lip wobbles "but i'm selfish"

His eyebrows knit "why is that?"

"Because i'm scared of what could happen if things don't work out. I'm scared of losing so much if things go wrong between Baek and me" i state, trembling slightly.

Heechul sighs "what could happen, Chanyeol? What could you lose?"

I breath out roughly, and look right into his eyes "you, Siwon, and even Jiyong... but mainly Baekhyun. You guys are so important to me, you guys are my family. I've lost so much, Heechul. What if Baek and I don't work out or if he doesn't return my feelings to begin with? What if we mess things up and i lose my home?"

Heechul narrows his eyes and pinches my arm "Park Chanyeol, you are not too old to turn over my knee young man"

My lips part in surprise and i stutter a small "w-what?"

Heechul shakes his head, his expression softening "Chanyeol, you are my son. You've always been my son, even when you were a baby and your mother and i would place you and Baekhyun in the same crib. I saw you as my own, just as your mom loved Baek as her own. You will always be my child, and nothing will ever change that. I'm not guaranteeing that everything will work out, or that you two will even get together, but no matter what happens. Chanyeol, you will always have a home here, and i will always love you."

I feel the wetness sliding down my cheeks, before i realise that i'm crying. Heechul quickly pulls me into his arms, folding me against him, and rubbing my back gently. I grasp onto the man, and let myself seep into the familiar warmth. Heechul has filled a lot of holes in my life, being my mom when mine couldn't, loving me when it seemed like the world was against me. Heechul will always be a parent to me, and being assured that he'll always be here, means so much to me.

"Plus" Heechul adds, "I'm getting old, and i know Jiyong isn't going to be giving me grandchildren any time soon"

The sudden bark of laughter i let loose isn't forced, "i'm not sure how Baekhyun would take that"

"Not sure how i'd take what?" a certain little voice asks behind us "and what's with all the hugging? Did i miss a heartfelt moment?" Baekhyun asks, sliding his arms around the both of us and laying his head on my shoulder "you know how i love touching family moments"

Heechul snorts and pulls back, swatting at his son "and you also know how to ruin them, you little shit"

I turn quickly, wiping away the evidence of my earlier shed tears "i was just helping mom with the dishes, it's a very touching time"

I can literally hear the eyeroll in Baekhyun's voice "so is jerking it in the bathroom, but you don't see Jiyong going around hugging people... Honestly, i think he's punishing himself more than Seung" he says a little too loudly.

"Baekhyun" we hear a screech from the other room, promising murder, followed by Siwon attempting to calm the eldest son.

"And that's my cue to get you home, before your brother kills you and then i have to avenge your death" i say, noticing Heechul's small smile out of the corner of my eye. 

Baek goes to get our coats, and leaves me once again with Heechul, who places a warm hand on my cheek "remember what i said, Yeollie. You'll always have a home here, and a family who loves you. Quit worrying about the what ifs, because you'll never know until you give it a shot" Heechul says, the last sentence hitting home. It's something my mom use to say to me when i'd worry about something, and somehow it always worked. Heechul knows me better than i realized, but he always has this way of just knowing, and maybe that's not a bad thing.

 

>>>

~Baekhyun~

"Why were you crying?" i ask suddenly while we're walking home, causing Chanyeol to almost trip over his own feet.

"W-what?" Chanyeol stutters, sounding slightly panicked. 

A light chuckle falls from my lips "calm down, I'm not giving you shit about it" my lips tighten, burning away any evidence of a smile "there's nothing shameful in crying"

Chanyeol glances at me out of the corner of his eyes and shoves his hands in his jeans pockets awkwardly "I-I wasn't..."

"Don't" I say, stopping him before he can even fully deny anything.

Chanyeol's shoulders sag in defeat, while his strides slow "I just got caught up in the moment with your mom... He just said some things that got to me"

My interest peeks at this information. I know how my mom is, he enjoys nothing more than getting sentimental and tugging at your heart strings, but he's always so careful around Chanyeol. 

For a while after Yeol started becoming a permanent presence in our household, my mom would barely speak to Chanyeol. He was always so afraid of saying something that would break someone he thought was so delicate. 

I knew better though, Chanyeol wasn't, nor has he ever been delicate, if anything the hardships he's gone through has made him stronger. Which is why I'm so surprised to find Chanyeol so emotional earlier. My best friend has been like a vault for such a long time, I barely know what he's really feeling anymore. Everything is always hidden behind a quick laugh or a carefully constructed smile. 

Don't get me wrong, Chanyeol tells me things. He's always open and honest with his feelings and problems, but when it comes to the big things, the things I really wish he'd talk to me (or at least anyone really) about, it's like trying to break into a maximum security prison. Chanyeol closed himself off a long time ago, about as soon as things started getting hard for him. He's locked up a lot inside of himself and I'm so worried that one of these days he's going to let it destroy him.

"What did he say?" I ask, knowing I won't get an actual answer, but I wouldn't be myself if I wasn't optimistic.

Chanyeol's lips twitch, a ghost of an almost sad smile touches his lips "just something I needed to hear"

I sigh inwardly, glancing away from the giant to hide my bout of disappointment. It was foolish of me to expect more. "oh, I see" 

Sometimes I wonder if Chanyeol will ever open that door he closed between us so long ago... If it was really ever open to begin with.

 

.....

We make our way up the small walkway leading to the front porch steps of the house. I find myself lost in thoughts of a paper due Friday that I really need to stop procrastinating on, hoping it'll distract me from my even bigger problem walking next to me.

We arrive at the front door and I reach for the handle, but am stopped short when a hand grabs my wrist. I jump, releasing a squeak, and turn to look up at Chanyeol, about to curse at the idiot for scaring me half to death, when I catch sight of the storm brewing in his eyes.

It's a swirl of emotions, real, true feelings. As quickly as I saw the glimps though, it's gone with a blink. So close, but yet still so far away. 

"Baek, can we talk?" He asks, his tone tight, but his expression relaxed and causal. 

I blink at him a few times, feeling whiplashed from how many different directions he's jerking me in "of course, Yeol. You know I'm always down to talk" I chuckle in that high pitched, obnoxious way I do when I get nervous. (honestly I think it could be considered a tick at this point)

Chanyeol's answering eye roll and smile hide the reality of what's going on in his head "I just wanted to talk about something... It's kind of been bothering me lately... Well not really bothering me, but well, I guess bothering is an ok term, but still... And it's not like you've been bothering me, just the situation... And I-"

"Yeol" I nearly shout, making him jerk in surprise and blink, before realization sets in his eyes.

"I was rambling, sorry" he apologizes, chewing at his lip, tearing the delicate flesh. (His own tick of sorts)

"What's this about, Yeol. What's going on in your head?" I ask in the best teasing tone I can come up with, and step forward, tapping his forehead.

Chanyeol swats at my hand, and leans forward to scold me in a normal Yeol manner, but gets way too close, way too quickly.

His eyes meet mine, wide and intense, boring into me and seeming to ask questions he didn't even know he had. My heart beats erratically, too caught up in Chanyeol's gaze to think properly.

"Baek" Chanyeol's deep voice rumbles my name, his breath fanning across my cheek.

Slowly Chanyeol's eyes lower, tracing down my facial features until he reaches my lips. I swallow thickly, watching him lean in inch by agonizing inch.

"Hyung" the very word is like ice water splashed straight on your crotch.

I watch begrudgingly as Chanyeol's eyes widen to almost Kyungsoo levels and he jumps back, gasping like he'd just been hit.

I turn my head quickly, noticing Sehun standing at the open front door, looking at us with as much surprise as the personified grumpy cat can manage. "Am I interrupting something?" Sehun asks, glancing between us.

"Actually..." Chanyeol begins, but I'm quick to cut him short.

"Of course not, my baby Hunnie" I say, reaching out to pinch the younger boys cheek, only to have my hand swatted away with Sehun's special level of sassy annoyance. "What do you need my precious little kitten?" I ask blinking adoringly at him.

Sehun breaths deeply, closes his eyes, and reaches up pinching the bridge of his nose "I know I'm going to regret this, but I really do need help drawing still figures and you're one of the only people in this house who's not busy and not proportionally... Displeasing" he grits out, side eyeing Chanyeol.

I suck in an excited breath and bounce on the balls of my feet "that's damn near praise coming from you, Hunnie. Of course you can draw me"

Sehun rolls his eyes "just two rules, no talking or moving from the position I put you in"

I smirk and reach up poking Sehun in the nose, which he crinkles in disgust and bunches his eyebrows in immediate regret "use my body however you please, Sehunnie"

Sehun groans and turns around waking into the house, motioning his hand at me to follow. I chuckle and risk a glance back over at the man next to me.

Chanyeol stares down at the ground, his eyebrows pulled tightly together in a confused, deep in thought expression.

"Yeol" I call softly, his head shooting up and eyes meeting mine. "Why don't you go up and go to bed, it's been a long day"

He blinks at few times at me, clearly his mind still racing with questions and uncertainty, but eventually he nods.

We walk inside and I head for the living room, while Yeol heads for the stairs, his feet dragging over the floor like his body protests the very idea of moving.

It's not that I didn't want Chanyeol to kiss me, gods knows how much I would have surrendered every inch of my body to that man, but I know that kiss would have only left him more confused than before.

I watch Chanyeol, while he slowly walks up the stairs, his mind clearly lost within itself. Sometimes that man just wades into the pool of "what ifs" and gets too deep, too fast to where he almost drowns. I can't even recall all of the times I've pulled that boy out and saved him from himself... But this time, I can't save him. I have to let Chanyeol figure this one out for himself and hope he learns to swim on his own.

He needs to figure things out and be certain of what he wants. I've seen Yeol ruin way to many good things because he couldn't find the confidence to keep them in his life. He's not ready for something to happen between us, but I'll gladly wait until he is.

Chanyeol is smart, he'll get it eventually. Even if he doesn't though, I'll always stay by my best friend's side, because honestly, next to Chanyeol, is where I belong and it always will be.


	15. Mediocre coffee, with a shot of honesty  (KaiSoo)

~Kyungsoo~

"Why a Monday, though?" I ask, tucking my arms around myself in an attempt of comfort.

Chanyeol chuckles and nudges me lightly with his shoulder "because this is the only day the club is closed and everyone doesn't have family to visit. Monday's are our Saturday's."

I roll my eyes at the ridiculous man "no Chanyeol, Mondays are our Mondays. We work at a cafe, not a club."

Chanyeol shakes his head and sighs "don't even act like we're not on their schedule. I've seen you wait up for Jongin almost every night this weekend... speaking of which, Jongin will be there"

I try not to let the slight stumble in my walk go noticed, but Chanyeol's too observant for that "that's more reason not to go... I-I don't think he likes being around me" I say tightening my arms around myself.

Chanyeol glances sideways at me, giving me his best worried mother duck look "why do you say that?"

I shrug and move my hands up and down my arms, like I'm trying to warm myself, even though I don't feel cold in the slightest "just the way he acts when I get around him, like he has to fake himself, like he has to put on a mask and force himself to be around me... so I've been staying away from him, I know when I'm not wanted"

Chanyeol stops me with putting a hand on my shoulder and turns giving me a concerned look "you always do this"

"Do what?" I ask incredulously. 

"You assume the worst when you get close to someone, you always jump to the idea that they don't want to be around you, or that they are forcing themselves to spend time with you because they're nice.. Soo, you've done this a million times before" he explains, leaning forward like he's giving me devastating news.

"That's not it, Yeol, not this time" I explain "I feel like I'm getting half of Jongin. It's like I can see the whole painting through the eyeholes of his mask, but it's blurry... he doesn't want me to see him"

Chanyeol shrugs and glances away for a brief second "you two have a lot more in common than you think you do"

I huff an incredulous laugh "what does that mean?"

Chanyeol blinks at me and creases his eyebrows "Soo, why are you like this? Why do you think you have an isolation bubble surrounding you. People love being around you. You're funny, smart, and even caring at times... you think everyone has this impression of you being a social pariah and yeah, a few people actually see you that way, but what do you expect when you do that glaring thing?"

I clench my jaw and narrow my eyes "I have a vision problem, Park Chanyeol"

Chanyeol sighs and tilts his head ignoring my comment "I know high school was hard on you, and fuck, it messed all of us up to some degree, but Soo... you have to let go of this mind set you have that you're not worthy of anyone's attention or affection. You're not that robotic 'studying is life and the world is pointless' kid you used to be"

"Studying is life and the world is pointless" I deadpan, to which I get an annoyed look from my giant best friend in response.

"You know you don't believe that, Kyungsoo. You've found reasons, things to give your life meaning now. You're not alone anymore, so quit acting like it" Chanyeol huffs and tugs at my sleeve, basically dragging me back down the street.

"What if that's what I'm protecting?" I ask quietly, but I know he heard me.

"Protecting?" He asks, stopping again and turning to me.

A sigh falls from my lips and I just decide to let it all out "I've gained so much over the past couple of years. Friends, confidence, purpose... what if I lose all of that, Yeol? What if he doesn't love me and I never feel this whole... this happy again? I don't want to feel empty and unwanted ever again, Chanyeol"

Chanyeol's lips wobbles and lunges forward, something I really should have seen coming and wraps me in a hug "that's the great thing about having friends, Soo. We're always going to be here to put you back together, even when some asshole tries to break you into pieces" Chanyeol's large hands smooth over my back and somehow work to make me feel comforted.

For once I allow myself to sink into the warmth, and surrender myself to the hug "you can't leave me, idiot. I'm holding you to this, it's an unbreakable vow now, you're responsible for me if this all goes to shit"

Chanyeol's deep chuckle reverberates through his body and jostles my own "of course, Soo. I'll always be here for you. So quit pushing Jongin away and maybe he'll do the same"

I don't know how Chanyeol always manages to do this. No matter what he's going through, or what is weighing him down. Even in the darkest of times, Chanyeol manages to be the brightest of light pulling me through. He's a true friend, one that will never turn their back on you and for that, I know I'm lucky to have him in my life. Even if half of the time I just want to punch him in the throat, I know I'll always want him by my side, and I know he'll always be there.

Yeol releases me and steps back, grinning from ear to ear with his signature goofy grin and takes my hand. "Come on, you'll have fun."

>>>>

Park Chanyeol is an idiot.

The second we arrive at the get together, he takes off across the room towards his little hyperactive puppy, leaving me to stand awkwardly by the door. It's not anything I'm not used to, but sometimes I wish he didn't gravitate towards Baekhyun like the older has opposite polarity of his own.

I watch people mingle around, laughing and joking with each other. Too many dick jokes to count are passed around and the night is still so young. Honestly I curse my age for having any type of relation or similarity to these idiots.

I'm used to this, though, always having made friends with extroverted people easily, which is odd considering I'm the complete reverse of them. Naturally I've always been dragged to parties, events, and social gatherings. Even with all of this, I still feel more comfortable in the silence of my own world, hidden in the shadows of room corners, silently observing those around me. It's amazing what you learn about people and their behavior when you have a constant outward view.

"You make a perfect wall decoration, as usual" a low voice rubbles into my ear.

I roll my eyes "I'd rather be a wall decoration then partake in any part of this mass stupidity"

Kris snorts and nudges my shoulder "why do you let Chanyeol drag you to this shit? You never have fun and I feel like you'd rather be doing anything else"

I sigh and rotate the cup in my hand. Red and full of an unknown liquid. I have yet to take a drink, and probably won't, but it keeps my hand busy.

"You underestimate how convincing he can be" I state simply "I should know that I immediately gain invisible status when Baekhyun appears, though"

Kris chuckles and shakes his head "those two just need to screw already"

"Agreed" I confirm and raise my cup, tapping it against his own. "Where's Tao?" I add as an afterthought.

Kris's jaw clenches and his eyes harden "why should I care?"

I raise my eyebrows and turn to look at him "woah, problems in paradise?"

Kris sighs and sags his shoulders "across the room, near the air hockey table"

I immediately start to scan the room till I find the tall catlike boy, and when I do, my blood runs quickly for my too tall friend.  Tao is sat on a lap of a boy I believe has been over to our house before.

Jong-something. I remember him briefly, and i think they were working on a project together. However they look a little too comfortable to just be peers at this point. 

"Are you going to do anything about that?" I ask, noticing how Kris tenses every time Tao giggles or touches the other man.

"What am I supposed to do? Run over there and knock the guy out? Tao would hate me and I'm the president of a fraternity... I could get into some serious shit for that, not to mention the negative effects it would have on everyone else" he says, a helpless tone taking over his voice.

I frown sympathetically and pat Kris's arm without looking at him. Jealousy isn't fun or amusing, jealousy hurts like hell and I'd never wish it on anyone. I have some jealousy issues myself, and I never act on them, but that doesn't mean that clawing feeling in my chest isn't there, trying to tear me apart and repeatedly telling me to take what should be mine. He's not mine though, so I have no rational right to react. Kris however, has every right to run over there and yank Tao off of that guys lap.

He's not a kid anymore though, he has responsibilities, he has priorities... he knows what he'd be putting on the line just to appease his inner demons. When you care about someone more than yourself, your own insecurities and needs take a backseat. I know Kris says he has a lot that he's responsible for now, but I know what he really means is, he doesn't want to do anything that would negatively effect Tao. The knowledge that he's restraining himself, despite the fact that it's tearing him apart, shows just how much he loves Tao, and that does something to my heart.

"He loves you, you know that, right?" I ask, quietly.

Kris furrows his eyebrows and takes a small sip from his cup "of course I do"

I nod and stare down into my own "then trust him to draw the line, trust him to put you first, too"

Kris glances up and me, I meet his eyes, and we share a strong look of understanding. I, over anyone else, understands what it feels like to want to protect someone, to put someone before my own needs and wants, to love someone more than I've ever loved myself... I get it and Kris knows this better than most.

"Why do we fall in love, Soo?" Kris asks suddenly, a thickness to his voice.

I swallow hard "it's a natural instinct of mammals to seek out a mate to carry our offspring, and to share our life with. Humans weren't created to be alone, we are genetically coded to find a paramour"

Kris smiles sadly "human terms, Soo"

I sigh, "Because no one wants to be alone, and because we all want someone to share our life with; celebrate our triumphs and comfort our failures. We crave someone by our side because we're human and therefore one half of a whole" I say, giving over to my truest feelings, knowing Kris will take care of them.

Kris brushes his free hand against the back of mine, a gesture many would pass off as nothing, but we both know what it means. Kris being in my life isn't easy, having once loved him, but this affection and care never disappeared from our relationship. No one ever knew about what Kris and I did behind closed doors, the things whispered in the chaos of school halls, or the discreet touches that meant more than anyone could have ever known. Tao doesn't even know that someone came before him, but he does know the truth of Kris's first love. It really was Tao.

Kris never loved me the way I loved him, and I understood that when he told me about Tao. The way his eyes lit up when he mentioned the younger, told me that I wasn't going to be able to keep Kris, told me that I had never had him in the first place. The last night we spent together, Kris held me while I cried, mourned for his loss even when he was inside me. Kris had never really been mine, and he was always meant to leave me, but my heart still broke just the same.

Things became painfully awkward between us after that, as well as painful, but eventually I met Chanyeol and he became the rock I needed to help me stand. I got over Kris, but the affection and love I had for him remained, just in a different form. Kris and I reconciled my freshmen year of college, when I rushed the fraternity with Chanyeol.

Kris took me under his wing and even made me his little brother, a special bond shared between two men in the Greek system. We talked things out and quickly came to the conclusion that we still had a great deal of love between us, so we started taking care of one another and now we are closer than anyone in the house. Unbeknownst to the rest of the guys however... Kris and I have just always worked better in the shadows.

Kris brushes his hand against mine once more and leans over placing a small kiss to the side of my head, an act that will once again go unnoticed by everyone, but one that comforts me more than Chanyeol's hug ever could have.

"You said it yourself, Soo. No one wants to be alone, so don't condemn yourself to a life of standing in the corner" Kris whispers, then walks away from me, the side of my body he once occupied feeling empty and cold now.

I sigh and look down once more at the substance in my cup, then tilt it back and down it all in one shot. It burns and I guess that it might be some type of Rum. My body tingles with the liquor, but I know it takes more than that to make me feel numb, to make me forget the hollowness in my chest. It's a start though.

>>>>

~Jongin~

The dark corner by the door, has never looked so bright with him standing in it. Dimmed slightly by our large president, and the solemn look on their faces. It seems they are discussing a heavy topic, and judging by the glances over in Tao's direction, I feel it has something to do with him and the person's lap he's currently occupying. 

I feel bad for Kris, but at the same time, I can understand where Tao is coming from. Baekhyun shared with me the results and the reactions to their little plan. I'd be impressed if it didn't seem to have such an effect on Kris. 

I know Kris is important to Kyungsoo and he shares his friend's sorrows. Indirectly this whole thing hurts Kyungsoo, and based off the look on the little owls face as they talk quietly, I know this is cutting him deeply.

I sigh and make a mental note to tell Tao to quit being such a bitch and just talk to his boyfriend like a man. This whole thing is just getting a bit ridiculous and honestly, I'm tired of seeing Kris mope around the house like a scolded child.

I miss Kyungsoo's smiles, I hate when he looks so upset and depressed like he does now. I've noticed that he gets into these moods every once in a while, but something is different. He seems off lately, like his head is constantly somewhere else, and his mood just appears to worsen by the day. I might be parinoid, but I hope it isn't something I did, because it feels like he's been avoiding me lately... I wonder if somehow Kai got to him when I wasn't looking.

I shake it from my head and decide to observe the two in the shadows some more, but I instantly wish I hadn't when I notice a subtle touch of their hands, an intimate gesture I would have missed if I haven't been so focused on them. It makes my chest clench at the comfortableness of it, how familiar the touch was.

Something couldn't be going on between those two, Kris would never do that to Tao and Kyungsoo isn't that type of person. My interest is peeked and I can't seem to look away from the two. My brain analyzes every bit of their body language, suddenly hyper aware of their proximity to each other, the way they lean close and talk so casually like they've been friends their whole life.

Kris abruptly leans over and places a kiss to Kyungsoo's temple. Anyone could have missed it if they hadn't been paying attention, which no one is, except two people who I'm sure they hadn't meant to.

Kris says something to Kyungsoo, then walks away, as if their quiet meeting had never taken place. Kyungsoo watches Kris, a broken look on his face and I have the strong urge to punch the older man, which surprises me. I have never had any problem or conflict with Kris, we've always been pretty decent friends, but the look in Kyungsoo's eyes sends a rage pulsing inside of me for our fraternity president. I'm not even sure if he's the cause, but i can't shake the need to protect Kyungsoo, as my instincts are repeatedly screaming "defend".

I sigh and shake my head, deciding against acting on these emotions. As Kyungsoo stares down into his drink, seeming to contemplate something, a rush of panic fills my stomach. I'm rushing across the room, before my brain can even catch up with what my legs are doing.

He downs the whole cup in one go, before I can even reach him. Kyungsoo has a determined look in his eyes, and I know that's my queue. Before Kyungsoo can even move two steps out of the corner, I grab his arm, causing his head to snap up.

"J-Jongin?" He asks, blinking rapidly at me.

I sigh and reach out taking the cup out of his hands "what are you doing?"

Kyungsoo gives me a surprised look and almost looks guilty "I-I was going to get another drink"

I swallow thickly "Soo, don't"

His eyebrows furrow and his eyes advert "what I do isn't any of your business, Jongin. Let me go"

That stings a bit and I shake my head "no, Kyungsoo. This isn't you, and you know it. Trust me, drowning yourself in a bottle isn't the way to deal with whatever that was"

"That?"

"You and Kris, don't think everyone missed that exchange" I say, not wanting to think about whatever happened between them.

Kyungsoo huffs a breath and rolls his eyes "it's not what you think"

I tilt my head and give him a strong look "then prove it, come with me"

The older's face twists and he seems to be arguing with himself  "where?"

"Do you trust me?" I question boldly, feeling that this may be a shift in our relationship, I might not be ready for... if I ever would be at all.

Kyungsoo's eyes shine and he seems to have come to an agreement with himself. Kyungsoo nods and steps toward me "yes, yes I do, Jongin"

'You shouldn't' my head echoes, but I push it away and slid my hand down his wrist, clasping his hand in my own.

He gives me a short gasp, but doesn't dare to let go of my hand. I can tell how Kyungsoo feels in this moment, I know how he sees me and dear gods it scares the hell out of me. I never wanted this, I never wanted Kyungsoo to care for me so much, because I know he'll just end up getting hurt.

Even with knowing this, I can't keep myself from leading him out of the building and pulling him down the street into the closest coffee shop.

...

"I feel like I'm cheating on El D's" Kyungsoo says as we sit down, with our coffee in hand .

I smile lightly and shake my head "having a cup of mediocre coffee every once in a while, makes you appreciate Minseok's cafe more"

He smiles and shrugs, wrapping his arms around his waist, but refusing to look at me still. He hasn't even once glanced my way since we left the get together at the dorms, and he's barely said but a couple sentences. He's definitely avoiding me, and I can't believe how torn that makes me feel. I want him to talk to me, but I also want him to walk away from me and never look back.

"You've been avoiding me lately" I say casually, having noticed the way he's been acting. I know he waits up till I get home on the weekends, sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of him watching from his bedroom window, or I'll find him reading in the den, but he always rushes away before I can even say a word. 

It seemed like he was fine, till about a week ago, then he became standoffish and retracted from me. He even cancelled our last study session, claiming he picked up an extra shift, but when I asked Minseok about it he told me that he was off that day.

It frustrates me, but what frustrates me more is that I can't let this go. I wanted to push Kyungsoo away, I wanted to keep him out of my life, so why does it bother me so fucking much that he's doing this?

Kyungsoo looks out the window and heavily sighs "just busy, I haven't been avoiding you"

"Bullshit, Soo. Tell me what's going on" I deadpan.

Kyungsoo flinches slightly, if I hadn't been paying attention I would have missed it. I feel instant regret and guilt fill my chest. He shrugs and looks down at the table, tracing the wood patters on the edge with a finger.

I close my eyes, becoming irritated with the human wall I'm trying to talk to "Soo?"

Kyungsoo bites at his lip, but still refuses to look up at me, and silence continues to come from the boy.

I groan internally "damnit, Kyungsoo. Talk to me"

"What do you want me to say?" Soo asks lowly, his voice so submissive.

I breath out a calm breath "tell me why you've been avoiding me. Tell me what's going on."

Kyungsoo develops a bitter smile and shakes his head "I'm avoiding you? Jongin, at least I have the decency to walk away from someone when I hide from them. You wear this fucking mask all the time, aimed to keep people out. I've been kept at arms length before, Jongin. I won't do it again. I won't settle for being someone's convince"

I blink at the man in front of me with wide alarmed eyes. I've never seen Soo outburst like that before, and I've never heard him talk like this. Someone has hurt my Soo in the past, and it's clear that he's still in pain because of it. Kyungsoo also hit the nail on the fucking head. I wear a mask, I'm aware of it, I know I keep people at arms length, but I didn't realize anyone else noticed. No one is ever supposed to get close enough to.

I release a labored breath and close my eyes "I don't know who my real father is" I say, and open my eyes to find Kyungsoo staring at me in confusion and surprise.

"The father I have now is actually the man my mother married when I was about eight years old. He adopted me when I turned thirteen, and all people know, is that I have a mother and a father and that my family seems normal. That's because, that's all I let them see." I state.

"My mother had me out of marriage at a very young age. I was bullied a lot as a kid, treated like the bastard I was. Even parents refused to let their kids play with the son of a penniless, single mother. I developed a solution, it... or more like he took all of the abuse and pain for me. I grew up, my mother married my father, we moved. My past and all of the hardships I went through disappeared, but he didn't... Kai stayed. Kai is problematic, he's this other side of me that I switch to when I feel threatened or need to feel in charge. I channel him a lot at the club, because people love him, he's the life of the party, always ready for a good time, but he's also a heartless monster who will tear down anyone in his way" I swallow hard and take a steadying breath "when I flip that Kai switch, I have no control over what he does or says... he's in control and he's done a great deal of damage to my friendships and even romantic relationships. Kai doesn't care about anyone, Kai doesn't love.. he just wants to have fun and always manages to ruin anything I want."

"That's why I can't allow myself to want you, Kyungsoo. Kai's already taken an interest in you, because I've allowed too many of my barriers to be broken by you... I won't let him hurt you, Soo" I explain, finally making eye contact with the man across the table.

Kyungsoo's eyes shine with sympathy, but I can see a hardness to them I didn't expect. "You don't think I can handle myself? I know you, Jongin. I know the difference between you and some asshole fuck boy trying to get into my pants... I can deal with Kai... I'm not an innocent little child"

I tilt my head and give him a ridiculous stare "are you hearing yourself? Do you really want to be with someone that you have to deal with? That you constantly have to battle for? Soo, that's not a relationship, that's just misery. Kyungsoo, Kai has broken stronger people than I can ever picture you being... please, just save yourself before you get hurt"

Kyungsoo pushes his lips together, but I catch the faint tremble of them that he was trying to hide, and my chest clenches. "I've been hurt before, Jongin. I'm not innocent, and I have the scars to prove it. I used to love someone so much that it hurt, but he didn't love me, not the way I wanted him to. No one knew about our relationship, no one knew that he touched me so tenderly sometime that I wanted to cry, or that he whispered my name so sweetly it touched the very core of my being... no one knew that our love ever existed and when he left me for the person he really did love, nothing was left to verify that our love was real, that everything I felt was valid. I knew I couldn't have him, and that I wasn't the one he needed, but I wanted to be selfish, i wanted to keep him. That's miserable, Jongin. That's torture. Dealing with your occasional other personality, would just be an inconvenience compared to watching the man you love happy in the arms of another and trying to convince yourself that you're happy for them, while your heart rips in two" Kyungsoo scoots his chair back, and finally looks up at me, his eyes filled with unshed tears "I won't sit here and convince you to give me a chance. I won't wait for someone to choose me again. I want to be the first choice for once, Jongin. I want to love someone who loves me back completely... I won't wait in the shadows anymore"

I feel my heart concave at all of this. Someone hadn't just hurt my Soo, they broke him. They killed every bit of trust and confidence he had in himself. Kyungsoo deserves to be someone's first choice, someone's only choice, but how can I give him that without the promise of being hurt again. I've seen what Kai is capable of, and Soo's already been through so much, how can I put him through more ache. My blood boils at the thought of someone hurting him and I just want to take him into my arms and protect him, but how do you hold someone in your embrace when those arms could be torturing him at any second?

"Then why would you want me? You've already been hurt, Soo... why would you want to put your heart back out there, when it's almost certain I'll break you again?" I ask, pathetically.

Kyungsoo reaches up wiping away a stray tear and my stomach rolls like it had been roundhoused "why are you so certain you'll hurt me? I know you, Jongin. I see that person you hide behind those walls of yours, and I can see everything that's worth fighting for... but I can't fight for someone who's already surrendered" Kyungsoo stands and my heart beats rapidly, not wanting him to leave... not like this.

Kyungsoo starts to walk away but stops right beside me, looking ahead, refusing to meet my eyes "it's funny though, you talk about Kai hurting me, but in reality you're doing a perfect job without him"

The final blow is delivered and I know it's deserved. The full weight of his words crushes me and as I hear the too cheerful bells above the door ring, I feel the tears start to fall. The familiar stirring in the back of my head starts all too soon, and this time when Kai pulls me into the dark abyss of nothingness it's welcome and almost comforting. Anything but this pain, anything but this feeling, anyone but Kyungsoo.

The last thing I remember before the darkness surrounds me, is a name whispered by a voice that is my own, but not by my own will. A name I never wanted to hear him utter a single day of my life. "Kyungsoo"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this wasn't too dark for you guys. I originally meant to make this story have a bit of a sadder tone, with spurts of humor and smut, but it's hard to balance those haha.
> 
> I felt like this is a good transition chapter, a shift in their relationship. This is the development in how they see each other. They recognize that there are feelings between them, but they fail to understand each other because of their own past experiences. This will be a turning point, they kind of got a better insight into who the other is and are starting to see that there's more under the surface than what they perceive.
> 
> I know some of you may not like that past Krisoo I threw in there, but somehow it just fit. It's true what writers say that we have no control over our characters, they tell us what they want. It just made perfect sense and I love it.
> 
> Anyways, as always any questions, comments, concerns, send them my way. I'll see you guys next time. SuLay Is up next.


	16. Keeping you close but yet so far (sulay)

~Junmyeon~ 

My eyes scan the room, passing easily over anyone who's too mediocre and unimportant to be the beautiful boy I'm looking for. I've been all over campus, thinking of anywhere he could possibly be. I'm used to having my little shadow follow me around, and unfortunately didn't get the opportunity to do the same. There are only a few places I know that he visits on his own regard.

Luckily though, I finally find the person I've been searching all over for. The day is late, the sun starting to set through the library, casting a golden glow across the scattered tables and students occupying them, from the large wall of windows on one side of the large room. 

I'm a little disappointed in Yixing. When I told him that I want to be close with him, it wasn't a suggestion, and the idea that he can't follow a simple order irritates me. It might be a bit controlling of me, but I expect certain demands to be met of those I make them for. Yixing is no exception, though it doesn't entirely surprise me.

I idle over to his table, watching the subtle movement of his lips as he attempts to figure out a rather complicated looking math problem. It wouldn't be difficult for me, but for someone like Yixing, I can tell mathematics isn't his area of expertise.

I lean over him slightly, going through all of the steps on the paper, and finding exactly where he went wrong, which is why he's angrily mumbling at the paper. I silently chuckle and grab his hand with the pencil in it, and fix the problem for him. He watches the entire time, not once looking up at me with surprise or confusion, just intently watches his problem fix itself.

I finish the problem and set it up for him to solve the rest, and he nods briskly, uttering a small "oh, ok" then proceeds to solve the problem.

I smile, amused at the boy. I never seem to find enough qualities about Yixing that doesn't interest me to some degree. Yixing just has this casual innocence about him, it's refreshing really.

I wait patiently for Yixing to connect the dots in his head and when he does, those large eyes briskly turn to me, staring in shock and awe. He seems to go through a whole battery of emotions, but doesn't know how to voice any of them.

"Hello, Yixing" I say casually, still leaning over him, probably way too close for him to be comfortable, but there's a sort of excitement in watching him squirm.

Yixing blinks at me, and opens his mouth, only to produce a helpless squeak, one that I can't help but be charmed by.

I regard Yixing calmly and order him to pack up his things, then to follow me. I wait for only a second, before Yixing obeys to my delight. Clearly he does know how to listen, so why has he decided to go against what i told him the last time we met?

Yixing follows me out of the building, and down the street to a little bistro place. My father owns the building, and is good friends with the owner, so they tend to wait on me with uttermost devotion. A good display of power might help Yixing sober up to who he's dealing with. I don't find it to be cocky, but realistic about who I am and what my name can do.

I glance back at Yixing periodically on our way to the cafe, checking to see if he's behaving. Each time I'm amused to find him pathetically holding his book bag to his chest, while staring at me with a confused, deer in the headlights look on his face. It's cute.

Walking inside the upscale bistro gives me a sense of pride. The staff fluster around me, calling me master Kim and attending to my every need. It would normally be embarrassing to be treated like this in front of a friend, but I know Yixing needs to see the affect I have.

They lead us to a private table in the back and Yixing instinctively follows, he pauses and stands awkwardly next to the table as I sit down, pulling out my napkin and folding it neatly onto my lap. These habits have been engrained in me since I was a kid, there's no time to be a child when your every move reflects on your family.

"Sit down, Yixing" i order in a tone I know Yixing will be powerless to disobey.

He sits down in the chair hastily, murmuring a "yes, sir" seeming just as surprised as I am that the words came out of his mouth.

I can tell that I wasn't quick enough to hide the flame that ignited at the quiet submission, when he gives me a quizzical expression. I stow away those emotions and revert my features back to their causal setting.

"You've been avoiding me" it's not a question.

He tugs his lip into his mouth and bites at it nervously. I try not to let my eyes rest there for too long. "I-I just... I didn't think you were really serious about wanting to spend time with me"

I sigh, disappointed by his answer and reach for a small roll from a basket on the table "of course I was serious, Yixing. I don't say things I don't mean"

Yixing lowers his head, the obvious submission doing things to my body "I'm sorry, but I really don't understand why you want to hang around with me"

I scoff lightly, prompting him to look back up at me. We really need to work on his confidence. "why wouldn't I? I already told you, you fascinate me, Yixing. I want to get to know you, I want to understand your mind"

Yixing shakes his head, clearly frustrated, sitting back in his chair with his arms crossed. Is... is he throwing a tantrum? "there's not much going on up here, Junmyeon" He says gesturing to his head "trust me I'm a complete bore on a good day and a complete downer on a bad... I'm not someone people go out of their way to get to know... I'm actually one that people go out of their way to avoid. Please just save me the trouble of constantly obsessing over this and tell me why you want to know me"

I stare at him with a silent calm that I know makes people squirm. A trait I picked up from my father, and judging by the way Yixing swallows thickly, I know it works well.

"Because I like you, Yixing"

"Pleas stop saying my name like that" 

His comment is ignored as I feel the need to further explain myself. Further justify why this beautiful boy deserves attention. "Because I feel drawn to you just as I'm sure you feel drawn to me. I want to know you, and I don't think you're boring, I think you're amazing. I've seen your compacity for kindness and love, I've seen the way you can bring joy into someone's day just by smiling at them, and I've seen the way you devote yourself to something you care about. You're not boring and you're far from mediocre, Yixing... You're actually quite spectacular"

Yixing stares at me in awe, his eyes sparkling with an emotion I've never seen before. I would like to see it more often, but it's gone before I can bring light to it, replaced by doubt and self pity.

"You're disillusioned" Yixing says with a sigh "that's not me"

"Why are you becoming a nurse, Yixing?" I ask abruptly, giving him a curious head tilt. I don't like to be wrong.

Yixing blinks a me and pushes his lips out into a pout, a habit, I've noticed he has when he's deeply thinking over something. "I like to help people, I like to make them feel important and cared for. I've been an outsider my whole life and I want to take care of people... I want to give them a sense of belonging even if it's only for a second."

I pick the previously discarded roll and pull off a chunk of it "that's why I like you, Yixing... because you're turning your weakness and past hardships into strengths. You always look for the brightest side to everything, even if you don't see it in yourself. You're biggest want is to make people smile, because you understand what it's like to live with a frown... that's beautiful to me... you're beautiful to me"

Yixing's eyes shine with emotions for only a second, before they harden and he huffs out angrily "you need to stop this. Stop saying these things, stop calling my name like that, and stop acting like this is normal. This isn't normal, Junmyeon. Nothing about this is normal. You deserve better than me, and I need to let go of this damn obsession with you. Let me go on with my life and you go on with yours, like we had never even crossed paths... the way it was always meant to be"

I regard him calmly, trying my best to keep my temper under control. So many violations have been broken in that one single rant and I'd like nothing better than to teach him my rules. That's it, though. What Minho had said the other day. It'll be hard to keep Yixing by my side without wanting to drag him into my world.

"No" I say, willpower working in overdrive. "I want you by my side, Yixing. That's not a request"

Yixing's lips flutter in disbelief "why do you say things like this? What does that even mean?"

I take a deep structured breath and cock my head to the side "we are going to be friends, Yixing. I want to be your friend and I want you to be mine. I want us to create a bond together and share our lives. It's that simple"

Yixing shakes his head and drops his eyes "we were never meant to be friends. I was never meant to be a part of your life. I stole moments, saw things I was never meant to see, things I was never meant to be a part of. I can't be your friend, Junmyeon and you can't be mine"

I try my best not to scoff at his refusal and clench my hand now laying on my lap "Yixing... this isn't-"

"Stop saying my name like that" Yixing grits out "just leave me alone. I know I don't have the right to say such a thing, after how long I followed you around, but I learned my lesson and I'm very aware of my place now. Please, don't seek me out anymore. This is how it was always meant to be" 

He stands before I even understand what's happening and leaves me sitting there dumbfounded, wondering what the hell just took place. I unclench my hand and place it flat on the table, drumming my fingers over the solid surface, making a thick thumping noise. 

I don't like when I don't get my way, and I definitely don't like when I have to chase after what I want. I like control, order, and predictably... Yixing is none of those things. How can a man both infuriate and fascinate me in the same moment? No one has ever ignited this much feeling inside of me before and if he thinks for one second that I'm going to give up now... he has a surprise in store for him.

>>>>

~Yixing~

The heavy doors squeak as i force them open. My feet nearly trip over one another in the effort to get to where i'm going as fast as possible. I need to clear my head and forget about the mess my life has become lately. I stop dead however at what, or more like who greets me on the other side.

I release a squeak of surprise catching the attention of one of the people inhabiting the room.

"Yixing?" Sehun asks, glancing up from the sketchbook propped up on his knees as he sits against the far wall.

Jongin halts in his actions and turns from where he was moving on the other side of the room. "Hey, Xing."

I drop my gaze and sigh "Sorry, i didn't know anyone else was in here"

"It's alright, come on in" Jongin says "i need someone to give me a critique on my rotations for this move"

I bite at my lip and shake my head "can we do it another time? I'm not feeling it today"

Sehun and Jongin's gazes bore into me, forcing me to give in "I just met with Junmyeon... i'm feeling a little... perplexed right now"

Sehun is the first to speak "Why would he leave you feeling perplexed? You should feel excited that you got to meet with him"

My answering eye roll can't be helped "It's Junmyeon, of course i'm elated that he wants to talk and meet with me... but"

"But?" both of them prompt in unison, creeping me out with their twin powers.

"Junmyeon is so charismatic and perfect, and i'm... this" i say gesturing to myself in a less than impressed manor.

The responsive groans i get, deflates me further.

"Yixing, come here" Jongin says, pointing to the space in front of him.

I slump my shoulders, but know better than to ignore the boy when he makes a demand. 

"Sehun, play track six" Jongin orders, when i reach him.

Sehun is quick to change the track, letting the familiar music swell the room. I remember this song well, having spent many hours in this room with Jongin, dancing to this very song for our last years showcase. It was a brilliant dance routine and it always made me feel charged with energy. Even now my body starts to rock, muscles naturally remembering the notes.

Jongin smiles and grabs my hips, pulling me over to the wall of mirrors and placing me in front of them. I attempt to fight it at first, but give in when the music bridges, letting my body take over easily. Each twist, each step, my body flows with easy precision. Sehun eventually joins us and then, it's the three of us, dancing in sync, never missing a beat.

This is my element, my church. When i feel the music pulsing through my veins, my body pumping along with every beat, i know where i belong. I know who i am and everything clicks together when i'm in this moment.

"Stop" i suddenly hear, just as the music is cut off.

I stumble and look up in surprise, just as Jongin grabs my wrist and spins me to face the mirror. "Here, tell me what you see"

"Three hot and out of breath people staring at a mirror, in a dance room" i state, failing to understand where he's getting at.

Sehun sighs and takes my hand "look at yourself, Xing. Look in your eyes"

I swallow deeply and stare at myself, then blink in surprise. The guy staring back at me, has a wickedness, a wildness in his eyes. He looks confident, in control, and even sexy. This guy is in control of his body, and spirit... who is this guy?

"That's you, Yixing" Sehun answers my silent question "none of us really feed into your pity parties because we know this side of you, we've all seen this cocky, confident guy who owns the stage. When you dance, when you take command on stage, the true Yixing comes out. When you preform, you become a whole other person. You're fucking hot, hyung and fuck, like this... how could you ever say you're not someone worth Junmyeon's time? Yixing, you could own anyone you wanted like this"

I blink at the attractive, powerful being staring back at me and reach out placing my hand on the glass. I was never aware that this is who i became when I️ took control. When I was in my element. I've always seen myself as this nerdy, boring, dork of a person who had the sex appeal of a leaf, it's why I always wear concealing outfits during my performances. But seeing this guy... it feels like i could conquer anything like this. I knew that preforming, was always my happy place, my center, but i had no clue that i had a separate persona when my body takes over my mind.

"This... this is new" i say, wanting to see more of this guy, wanting to be more of this person. "I know I always go into a different headspace when I'm in my zone, but I never... I haven't ever seen this"

Sehun shrugs and looks at me with the deepest sincerity I've ever seen from him "you always hide from yourself, hyung. When you're on stage and you're doing your thing. You command the room, you own the power of every single person watching you. Being on stage, dancing, preforming... it breaths life into you"

Jongin smirks and pats my butt casually "seriously, if it wasn't for Sehun placing the don't touch order on you so long ago, i would have torn your cloths off every practice"

Sehun rolls his eyes "and you wonder why i have to make rules for you"

Jongin shrugs and fixes his hair "i didn't say they didn't have practicality, just that they we're unnecessary"

"Unnecessary?.. Jongin you can't fuck everyone you come in contact wit-"

I tune their bickering out and stare at the stranger in the mirror once again, giving a little smirk out for try and surprising myself at how alluring it is. I'm oddly obsessed with this person, with this person's confidence, and wondering what i could do if i had that type of confidence in every aspect of my life. Would Junmyeon like this person?

I think about Junmyeon's structured, detailed, controlled life. How tailored and perfect everything is. He likes predictability, organization, and simplicity. Junmyeon isn't the type to want a wild, cocky, and impulsive person. Junmyeon wouldn't want this type of sexy confidence, he wants a classy type of confidence. This person doesn't fit into Junmyeon's world either... i don't fit with Junmyeon no matter who i am.

I make my way over to the corner of the room where the sound system is and start the music over again, gaining the other two's attention. They smile at me, as i join them in front of the mirror again, and we start to move in uniform once again. 

The boys are right, when i dance, when I preform, i become another person. When i feel the melody in my bones and my blood pulses to the beat, a confidence comes out of me that i had never realized before. I feel so powerful on stage. Everything makes sense, everything connects. Preforming collides with my body and molds to me like i was always meant to do this. I just wish that i could fit somewhere else as well as i do here.

>>>>

~Junmyeon~

The man sits down across from me, the bell on his choker tinkling obnoxiously. He flashes me a gorgeous smile, the one that made me fall so easily into his trap once upon a time. He cocks his head to the side, while crossing his legs in dramatic flare I've only seen produced from him before.

"It's been a long time, Junnie" his smooth as silk voice rolls over the words.

I smile fondly and nod at the man affectionately "Yes it has, Wonho"

I sigh and push down the sudden urge to bend him over the table in front of me, just to see how loud we can get that bell to jingle. That isn't an aspect of our relationship any longer, though and we are no longer entitled to one another's bodies.

"How's Changkyun?" I ask, making it clear that the line has been drawn.

He smiles fondly and taps the table with his fingers, a telling sign of his nervousness. He's always managed to hold a mask of confidence, a fake sense of control, even when he's cracking around the edges. I remember how fun it used to be to smash that control of his into dust at the flick of my finger.

"He's well, busy planning the wedding" he mentions casually.

I nod, having known about the event for a while, as the boy in front of me keeps me updated on his life. Honestly, I'm happy for him and his lover. They found a happy ending and are taking a step to bound themselves together. Marriage is beautiful, and even I wish to partake in the structure one day... though it's hard to find someone who fits such specific requirements.

I thought Wonho was perfect, exactly what I was looking for, but there was a problem. One I couldn't possibly overlook, and because of that we parted ways. Of course, we remain friends. The want for him is gone, but the specific need of two people who were involved in a very intimate and intense relationship, remains.

Wonho understands this, and we'd both never dream of crossing that carefully drawn line I bolded long ago. I don't mix the past and present. What's over is over, and it will remain this way.

"Oh no. Junnie has his deeply thinking face on" Wonho comments, taking a sip from the water in front of him.

I repress a sigh and blink at the man in front of me "I have a problem"

"Problem?" he enunciates like the word tastes disgusting on his tongue, while tilting his head in that obnoxious matter i never could break him of.

I take a deep, weighted breath, knowing exactly what i'm giving him over this admittance "there's a certain underclassmen who has been... irritating me"

Wonho's eyes sparkle with mischief as he smiles at me, daring me to continue. He sits back and gives me a roaming look, like he just recognized a new physical trait he hadn't before. Has Yixing effected me this much? That i carry the man around in a way a bloodhound like Wonho can sniff him out instantly at the slightest mention of him?

I swallow deeply, wondering if i'm playing with fire bringing this little devil into this. If i didn't feel so hopeless and powerless when it comes to the Chinese enigma, I would have never sought out Wonho's advice, but if anyone were to know me and this situation better than myself it would be this man sitting in front of me. Wonho knows my habits, my needs, he understands what kind of man i am beneath the polite words, and controlled expressions... he's seen that control break before, and i trust him entirely. It doesn't stop me from concerning over the man's actions after he hears my impasse. Wonho has always been irrational, and impulsive. That's something i could never train out of him. Even when it was endearing, it was worrisome. 

"He frustrates me, one second he's obedient, then the next he's argumentative and uncontrollable. He lacks confidence, or any type of positive self image, plus he's too naive for his own good. His friends are always taking advantage of him, and treating him like he's their mother, and he's...." i groan and rub my temples with my fingers "he pisses me off so completly all the time, but yet... i cant stay away from him. I'm entirely obsessed with him, and everything that pisses me off, also enthralls me so much i feel addicted to the challenge" I say, blinking at the table cloth in front of me, before slowly glancing up at the other man's startling silence.

"You're completly infatuated with this kid" Wonho says in a mixture of delight and astonishment. "So, what's the problem? He pisses you off? There are ways to fix that, you and i both know how easy it is for someone like you to train a wild animal to behave like a house pet"

I shake my head indignantly "no, absolutely not. I... i refuse to get close to him... He's frustrating and fascinating, but he's also good. Won, he's so kind, and beautiful... i won't ruin someone like him."

Wonho blinks as he takes a cherry from the fruit bowl sitting in front of him "ruin? is that what you think you do?" his laugh rings through the air, mocking me "Junnie, you're helpless"

I sigh "you knew what the arrangement was before you signed your name. Yixing has no clue what that life, that world is about. He's not like us... i can't imagine he even knows what half of the things in my closet are even called, let alone used for"

Wonho smirks, biting into the cherry, his lips taking the dark hue nicely "those things can be taught"

"I don't want to teach him. I don't want to taint him. He's so... pure" I say stabbing at a piece of melon from his bowl "plus he doesn't have the confidence to do the things and be the person i'd need him to be. I told him that i wanted to be close to him, as in be friends, but he started explaining that he wasn't worth my time, and that he doesn't understand why i'd want to be his friend"

Wonho's lip curls unpleasantly "he pisses you off, he doesn't follow to your strict lines, and he has a pathetic self awareness... Why are you conflicted over this? He sounds like someone who you'd normality wipe off your boot without remorse"

A fleeting, momentary smile takes over my lips, but Wonho doesn't miss it for a second "because he's beautiful. He's kind, and he has a great sense of humor. Yixing is just one of those people that everyone wants to gravitate towards because he's so humbled and real... he doesn't feel the need to hide himself or put on a mask for people... he's..."

"Everything you wish you could be" Wonho finishes for me, his eyes shinning with understanding.

Wonho and i may have just been two ships passing in the night, but our wood was made from the same tree. We understand one another, and for this he'll always be a true friend. Wonho just gets me, he always has. After all, he knows what it's like to find someone who balances your demons with their angels.

"So, you just need to give the kid a little confidence boost and maybe help him gain a bit of a backbone... he'll need it dealing with you after all" Wonho taps his chin lightly, then pulls out his phone punching at the screen with expert precision. 

"I don't want to fix him, Won. I want to fix me. I want to figure out how to keep him as close to my side as possible, without craving more before i take things too far and actually try to break him" I state flatly.

Wonho regards me with an bemused snort "why would you fix something that isn't broken? Why would you keep him at arms length when you could make him yours? Junmyeon, you know you want this boy, so take him"

My mind struggles with me. I can't do this to Yixing, i can't ruin him. Yixing is someone, that for the first time in my life, i want to protect and take care of. I want him by my side, but the longer he stays there the more i want to pull him closer, the more i want to pull him into my darkness. He's a small ball of light, and i might as well be the dark winged demon that will carry him to hell. I won't condemn him with me, not just because i don't want to ruin him, but because he's the first ray of light I've seen in a long time.

"I need him" I say tightly, causing Wonho to stop tapping at his screen and look up alarmed "I need him to be good and stay that way. Yixing is good, the first sight of true, real good I've seen in a while, and i need him to stay that way... he gives me hope... hope that this world isn't completly lost to money and greed"

Wonho looks me over carefully, then sets his phone down slowly "Junmyeon... if he's that important to you, why wouldn't you want to pull him in? Why would you settle for having him by your side?"

"You know how i am... I don't do normal, i don't do monotonous relationships. It's not something i'm capable of doing. There's always that need, that... instinct growling and scratching below the surface" I explain, tightening my hand on my leg, feeling a stirring in my gut just speaking about it.

Wonho nods "so don't do boring. Make him yours in every way you need him. Break him, Junnie"

I roll my eyes in a moment of unchecked exasperation "Have you even been listening to me?"

"Of course i have" he dismisses with a wave "whine, whine, bitch, bitch... basic Junmyeon 'i'm a bad guy' bullshit"

My jaw hardens and i narrow my eyes at him, which has him straightening up and putting him in check instantly "i mean, Junmyeon. I understand where you're coming from, but in actuality someone who is that good, doesn't exist" I make to argue, but he holds up a hand in search of explanation. I grant it and sit back. "Yixing can be a complete saint, but i guarantee that he's not pure. Everyone has a dark side, a demon waiting in the shadows... all they need is the proper encouragement, the proper master to beacon them into the light. Jun, this boy could be the perfect 'Gentlemen in the streets, but freak in the sheets' you've been looking for... all you have to do is bring out the freak"

I huff in annoyance, a bad trait i picked up from years of being around the man in front of me "I'm telling you, there's no freak. Yixing is normal and good"

Wonho smiles casually "i like a challenge"

I suddenly feel a pressing sense of dread and internally cringe "What are you planning?"

Wonho smirks and blinks innocently at me "trust me, Junnie. Let me handle things... you'll have your freak in no time"

I swallow hard and stare at the table forlornly as he bids me farewell and leaves me sitting there in the cafe. I knew it was a bad idea to bring that shameless man into this, but i have faith that if anyone is going to win against that little devil, it'll be my perfect angel.


	17. Bubble tea date... Its not a date! (hunhan)

~Sehun~

 

"Hyung, stop fussing" I whine while slapping Tao's ever persistent hands away from my shirt collar.

Tao shoots me a death glare and ignores my protests, slapping my hands back and inserting dominance over the shirt. I easily let him have it, used to giving power to my overbearing mother of a best friend. "We have to make you look good for your first date. Stop fidgeting"

I roll my eyes and push down the want to stomp my foot, knowing it'll only add fuel to his fire for treating me like a child "It's not a date" I mumble pathetically, unable to push down the hope in my voice.

"Two grown ass men, going to a café to talk and get to know one another... sounds like a date to me" Tao points out with his own particular brand of sass. 

A sigh releases from my lips, avoiding Tao's heavy gaze when it lands on me instead of the structure of my shirt collar "Luhan made it clear that this wasn't a date"

Tao blinks steadily, staring deep into my eyes like he's viewing a piece of my soul, and knowing him, he probably is. "Don't let this boy hurt you, Hunnie. I've taught you better than this. You've been through so much, and as your best friend I've always been beside you, and I will always be beside you if you need me, but please... please don't set yourself up for heartbreak. I don't want to have to pick my little brother up off the floor again."

"You can't protect me from everything, Hyung" I say softly, knowing he's speaking truth from his heart right now and is trusting me to listen to his feelings and concerns.

"Watch me. I will wrap your ass in bubble tape, Oh Sehun" Tao says in a sassier tone and I know he's stuffed his emotions back down.

I reach out and grab Tao's hands still attached to my shirt and squeeze them in the palms of my own "Have you ever watched a bad storm and thought that it was so beautiful it became mesmerizing? Even though you know in the back of your mind that it's getting rough and you should go inside, you can't look away... can't bring yourself to leave even when it isn't safe? In that moment, you kind of feel that you wouldn't mind being destroyed by something so completely entrancing... that you just kind of accept your fate"

My best friends face is a mixture of understanding and concern when I finally focus back on him "but you always decide at the last minute to go back inside, Sehun. Please, Hunnie.... If the storm gets too bad, then go back to where it's safe"

I regard the man who is basically the only family I have in my life and take his words into my heart, understanding that I might be standing in front of the calm before the storm.

>>>>

~Luhan~

I can't believe I actually agreed to this. All of the energy I spent trying to keep away from this boy, to keep this boy away from me, completely ruined just because the kid managed to find my weakness for puppy eyes and coffee. I had everything under control, I could actually see him giving up, but one moment of weakness and I was actually agreeing to be the brats friend.

So here I am, sitting across the table from enemy number one, silently and a bit awkwardly sipping at our coffee's. (well, Sehun got a bubble tea... I think he might be an actual child) It's not fair either that the kid looks ridiculously good in his light blue dress shirt and overly tight black dress pants, which accentuates all of his... curves. (Like seriously, he must pad his ass, there's no way that an ass like this is natural.) I feel so underdressed and under matched sitting across from this model like boy, who I swear just walked out of a Louis Vuitton photo shoot. 

I shift in my seat and clear my throat, needing to at least make small talk. I hate silence more than anything, having experienced too much of it in my lifetime. 

"So, how are your classes going?" I ask, causing Sehun to cringe a little. Clearly Sehun isn't fond of small talk, or maybe his classes are just going that bad.

"Fine" he mumbles, closing his body in on itself, as if he's trying to make himself smaller. I get the sense that Sehun isn't used to being the center of attention. For some reason this makes me feel kind of sad. "I have an art teacher who is pushing me a little hard, but I think that's just because he knows I can do better than I am"

I smile at that, glad to see Sehun understands at least concepts like this. Maybe he isn't a complete toddler.

"Well, maybe you need to push yourself as well. You're only as good as you allow yourself to be" I mention, causing Sehun to look up into my eyes for a brief second before deflecting quickly. Cute, I find myself internally commenting before catching it. I'm quick to chastise those types of thoughts, and move to change the subject before I think too hard on it "spring break is coming up soon, are you going to go home?"

Sehun shakes his head, frowning down at the table "Tao won't be there, so there's no reason to. I'll probably stay on campus with Yixing hyung and binge watch Netflix, maybe pick up some extra hours at work."

I blink a few times and cock my head in confusion. Why would Tao be at Sehun's home? Are they related? Sehun never mentioned it before. "you live with Tao?"

The younger nods, and absentmindedly sips from his straw "I have since freshman year of high school."

My jaw clenches without my permission and I clear my throat trying to hide unwarranted feelings. I swallow down jealousy, telling myself it's because he got to move away from home at such a young age, and as a light as I can, ask "so, um... You and Tao are close?"

Sehun smiles briefly, causing the clenching in my gut to intensify "he's my best friend, and brother at the same time. I owe a lot to him. Tao's even the one who convinced me to go to college... I wasn't exactly motivated to go myself. Tao and Kris are really like the only real parents I've ever had, unless you account Baekhyun's mom, who basically took me in as one of her own when I got hired at SuJu. He'll probably do the same to you, so prepare for that."

I cast the warning away, already aware of Heechul and his overbearing ways. It's one of the reasons my mother and he get along so well. I'd rather keep from Baekhyun the fact that our parents are close for as long as I can.

"Kris is?" I ask, picking up another piece of information. This is the first time I'm hearing Sehun talk about the blond giant.

Sehun sips at his tea, seeming comfortable talking about these people, rather than himself "Kris is Tao's boyfriend, though you might as well call him his husband. They've been together for as long as I can remember, and just have this perfect relationship. They have the type of connection anyone would be jealous over"

"I see" I say simply, pushing away any negative thoughts as I realize just how important Tao is to Sehun... It might also make it better to know that Tao is already taken, but I try not to dwell on that thought too much.

"So... I know you came here on scholarship, but why did you decide to come all the way to Korea?" Sehun asks abruptly, startling me at how thought out the question is.

My lungs suck in a deep breath, readying myself for this explanation "because it's the farthest my parents would let me go by myself. I tried to get them to let me go to the states, but they weren't even about to even consider that. My parents are a bit overprotective of me, and are kind of controlling. I figured maybe some distance will help them let go and allow me to gain some independence" 

Sehun smiles at that, and I curse my heart for fluttering all stupidly "how's that working out?"

I roll my eyes on autopilot "they call twice a day, and demand that I skype twice a week... last week my mother asked if I was having regular bowl movements." I sigh and run a hand through my hair, noticing Sehun's gaze following the movement "it's almost worse. I feel like they are constantly looking over my shoulder, hovering and analyzing every inch of my life. They even get regular reports from my teachers" Sehun chuckles, and I reach over slapping his arm "don't laugh at me. It's terrible having overbearing parents. My mom sent me a pack of condoms yesterday because I told them I became friends with a couple of guys in a fraternity. She lectured me for hours on the practices of safe sex and described STDs in vivid detail.... I might never have sex again"

Sehun doubles over, his laughter high pitched and somehow musical. I want to feel offended, but at the same time I can't help to feel amused by it as well. I can kind of see the amusement in it now that I'm thinking about it, and I quickly join Sehun in laughing at it.

"What about your parents?" I question, once we calm back down. It's kind of something I've been dying to know about for a while now. Sehun has hinted that something isn't quite normal with his home situation, if living with Tao since the beginning of high school is any indication.

I regret the question as soon as Sehun's face drops, and an uncomfortable, maybe even a little despairing look graces his eyes "You don't have to talk about it, Sehun. I didn't mean to pry"

The younger boy, (who seems to have just lost a couple of years with how vulnerable he looks right now) sadly smiles and shakes his head "It's okay. It's not really complicated. They kicked me out for being gay"

This information causes my stomach to kick painfully, followed by an uncomfortable tightening in my chest. I don't understand how anyone could turn away such a loveable, kind, and gentle soul. Sehun is an amazing kid that any parent should be proud to have, and yet his parents threw him away because he loves differently than them. I feel a bit outraged, and kind of want to hit something, but instead I choose to ignore the voice of better judgment in the back of my head and reach across the table to set a hand on top of Sehun's.

Sehun blinks steadily at me, before moving turning his hand palm up, and lacing our fingers together. A barrage of emotions rush through me, startling a little gasp from between my lips. I abruptly pull my hand out of his grasp (which was startlingly light, as if he was waiting for me to do so), and stand up.

Sehun's eyes widen and he looks panicked as if he's ready for me to make a run for it, and that's exactly what I would like to do at the moment. The hurt simmering on the edges of his eyes keep my feet rooted to the floor though, unable to cause this child anymore pain.

"I-I need to get another drink" I say lamely, holding up my cup and quickly walking to the counter.

I risk a glance back at Sehun as the barista confusedly refills my half full cup, and instantly wish that I hadn't. He looks crushed and bile rises in my throat at the knowledge that I'm the one who put it there. It's no secret how Sehun feels about me, but it was always so easy to ignore his advances and heart shaped stares. So why is it do different now? Why is it that for the first time, I want to give in to Oh Sehun?

>>>>

~Sehun~

Luhan sits back down in front of me, seeming cautious, but also a light of curiosity and excitement in his eyes. Something seems to have shifted in his mood, and I wish I knew what he was thinking. Of course, I had expected Luhan to turn me down, but that doesn't mean it burned any less when he ripped his hand away like I had set it on fire. For a second I had let myself get caught up in his comfort, but as usual Luhan keeps me at arm's length, even with how much lean way we've made in getting closer today. It's frustrating trying to break into Luhan's steal platted, and padlocked heart.

"So, what's your major?" I ask stupidly, not knowing what else to say to pass over the awkwardness I caused. 

Luhan's eyebrow's raise, but a small smile pulls at his perfect lips, seemingly amused "Sports medicine" he says casually "I'm here on a football (soccer for you Americans) scholarship, but my actual focus is medicine. My mother is a doctor, so I guess I'm kind of following her footsteps in my own way"

A nod follows automatically, actually interested in his choice of major "Why sports medicine, though? You could do anything within sports. You could be a physical Trainor, or maybe even go pro"

The grin that graces Luhan's face is nearly breathtaking, clearly in his element here "there's just something about the medicine that's fascinating to me. I know I'll sound like my mom here, but bodies are amazing at what they can do, and when you add an athletic sensibility to them, they become that much more entrancing. The limits that athletes can push their bodies and capabilities to... it's amazing. Plus, sports injuries are a lot more understandable to me, because of my own experiences. I just want to explore the medical side of all of it, it's a personal passion of mine"

I can't help but be absorbed into Luhan's excitement for his focus. He seems generally excited and in love with his major and I want him to succeed as if it were my own. Luhan's beautiful like this. He has a burn in his eyes, a desire for something he's enthralled about. It makes my heart clench and I know I'm falling even further for him.

"So, what's your major?" Luhan asks, his eyes still sparkling. 

I pause, never really realizing that this question always comes with a counter question. I've noticed that this is the one question that college kids like to ask one another. When you're talking to a classmate, or getting to know someone on campus, that question always seems to pop up, and it's one that I dread the most.

"I'm undeclared actually" I mumble, hiding a bit of my embarrassment behind a sip of my drink.

Luhan forms a cute little "o" with his mouth, while widening his eyes "really?" he asks, sounding dumbfounded "I could have sworn that you were an art major. I mean, I always see you carrying a sketch pad, and some sort of art supplies. Plus, you tend to always be covered in chalk, led, or paint to some degree... I just assumed"

I rub my hands across my pants awkwardly and clear my throat "well uh... I take a lot of art classes willingly, for like electives... but I'm just taking general studies right now"

Luhan tilts his head, his eyes swimming with questions, but thankfully asks none of them. Instead Luhan talks about China, and how his life was there; his friends, and his hobbies, even including more stories about his overbearing, but somehow open minded mother, that I must admit are hysterical. Luhan asks more about the guys, and my friendship with Tao, seeming a little warmed up to my best friend now. Luhan's questions are careful, but clearly eager to actually get to know me, and with each question that he gives seemingly interested feedback on, my chest gets tighter. It's almost like he's actually giving me a shot here.

The conversation runs smoothly, and before we know it, the streetlights come on outside, and the little coffee shop begins to clear out of students calling it a night. We quickly decide to do the same and end up standing on the sidewalk just outside, watching the last bit of sun kissed on the horizon descend fully. Luhan and I stand in silence for a few minutes, acknowledging that we need to part ways now, but neither one seeming to want to do so.

Luhan turns to me with a smile and seems like he's about to suggest something, when a loud, obnoxious call of Luhan's name rings through the air. Luhan's eyes widens and he almost looks panicked, as a very beautiful girl hurries up to us and slings an arm around his shoulders. 

I don't know much Chinese, but I catch a few words, along with some endearments that are clearly not meant for friends. I search Luhan's eyes for clarification, and his answer back with a clear apology.

"Luhan, who is this?" I ask, keeping my tone light and unassuming. 

The older winces and pulls the girl, currently attached like a leach and trying to burrow herself into his neck. "This is... m-my.."

"I'm his girlfriend. My name is Ailee" the girl says in accented Korean not nearly as attractive as Luhan's. The girl straightens up and lets go of Luhan, before presenting a hand to me.

I had already guessed. My mind knew what this situation was, but someone forgot to tell my heart, and by the way it clenches, it's not taking the news so well. "I'm Sehun. It's nice to meet you"

She nods and grins brightly "same. Thanks for taking care of my Hannie, today. I'll take him off your hands, now, though."

I smile back tightly and know that it looks forced, but I can't help it through the pain currently ripping its way through my body. "of course, we were just about to part ways. We're done, right Luhan?"

Luhan blinks at me wide eyed, his face a mixture of panic and apprehension. His lack of an answer though gives me all the one I need, and I'm quick to step back. "goodbye, Luhan" I say and turn around, needing to get home... needing my brothers.

>>>>

~Luhan~

"That's him?" Ailee asks, turning to me, and giving me a scrutinizing gaze.

I sigh and move to lean against the front of the café. "I'm pretty sure I just saw his heart break"

Ailee leans next to me and pats my arm "are you sure you want this? I saw you two in the café and that's the happiest I've seen you in a long time, Lu"

I rake a hand down my face and blow out a frustrated breath "it's for the best. He can do better than me"

Ailee stands up and spins around to face me "Luhan, listen to me and listen to me good, you may be family but I will not hesitate to slap the stupid out of you. I will do anything to protect you, which is why I agreed to do this, but so help me gods, I will not stand for a pity party. Anyone would be lucky to have you and it's no wonder that boy is a mess over you."

I swallow thickly and look up into her all-knowing eyes "I think I'm a mess over him too, Ailee."

Her face softens and she reaches out to pet my cheek comfortingly "I know, Hannie... I know"

I allow Ailee to comfort me and sit there for a few minutes, staring off into the distance where Sehun had nearly ran away earlier. I just wanted to come to Korea to get away from everything, to finally breath a lungful of fresh air for once, and instead I find air constantly stuck in my throat. I wanted to focus on my studies and myself, but here I am, constantly wrapped up in the feelings of someone else and worried if he's even made it home alright. 

"I'm screwed, aren't i?" I ask pathetically, somehow wishing that she'd lie to me for once in her life.

"Oh yeah. Majorly, cousin" Ailee says, patting my shoulder sympathetically. 

I sigh and nod my head in defeat, while mentally voicing the only word I can use to describe my feeling at this moment "fuck"

>>>>

~Sehun~

The street stretches before me, dark and still as I make the track home on autopilot. Of course the one person my heart decided to reach out to, is unobtainable to me. Fate is an amusing heartless bitch that way. The stone faced, unemotional Oh Sehun, finally desires someone, and they want nothing to do with him. 'It's fitting', I think. It was almost too good to be true to think that someone actually wanted me... was willing to love me. 

You'd think that rejection is something I'd be used to by now, but the ache in my chest and abdomen tells me that this hurts just as much, if not more than the others. And I can't even blame Luhan. I was the stupid one. I was the one who got my hopes up and let myself believe that I actually had a shot at happiness. Luhan was clearly taking pity on me by humoring my advances and agreeing to be my friend... I was just a sort of charity to him. How pathetic.

The house comes into view, and emotions well up inside of me. The only people I have ever had care about me without conditions, without sympathy. My brothers love me, and I know they do from how they've proved it time and time again. I wonder why they put up with me? Why they love me? What do they see in me that is worth their love? I don't deserve my Hyungs. 

I shuffle slowly up the walkway and stop in front of the stairs, staring at the stares, wondering what I'm doing here. I've never been the social type. In high school, I had Tao, Kris, and even Baekhyun and Chanyeol... but if they hadn't had insisted on following me around or dragging me everywhere, I know our friendships would have died. I've always been content to be alone, having had a lot of experience with it when I was growing up. And yet, I rely on these guys, I see these people as my family, and they've taken me in as their own... but why? Why do they give me love when I'm not even worth their time?

I lower my head, staring at the ground, before my attention is caught by the sound of the front door opening. I lift my head and am greeted by the worried, and caring eyes of my best friend.

"Hunnie?" Tao asks, his head sticking out of the slightly ajar door.

"Hyung?" I rasp, my throat suddenly feeling way to thick. Tao's eyes hold caution, but seem to urge me to say what I need to say "can... can I come inside now?"

Tao's face falls, and his eyes close in a pained expression, but he quickly pulls himself together and he throws open the door "of course, Hunnie. Always"

I nearly run into Tao's arms and bury my head in his neck before I feel the tears start to run. Tao rubs my back, holding me close, and soon those arms multiply, until I'm wrapped in a heavy cocoon of arms and warmth. I don't know which hyungs have joined the hug or even how many of them, but it doesn't matter. They are here and that's all I want right now. To be enveloped in the love and support of my family, my brothers, makes me forget that I was even in pain at all.

I may not understand why they love me, but they do. They love me enough to make the ache turn into a small thumping pain. These guys are my family, my home... and if the storm gets too bad, I know i can always go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's HunHan for you. I hope you guys liked it. Sorry it's kind of heavy, but Sehun's story and self view is kind of skewed. The kids been through a lot, but stay with me, it'll get better.
> 
> You guys know the drill, questions, comments, or concerns, just sent them my way. XiuChen is up next! See you guys next time! 


	18. Accidents happen (xiuchen)

~Minseok~

For once my precious coffee house doesn't feel as warm and welcoming as it usually does. My feet drag and my body moves like cement blocks through mud. My head screams at me and protests all movement, but I know I definitely need a days income after what happened last night.

"Hyung" Chanyeol's distressed, and way too loud voice greets me as I shuffle inside the already opened shop. 

I had to call the boy this morning to see if he could open for me. I had a few things to take care of.

"Morning" I croak, feeling my exhaustion full force.

"You look awful" Chanyeol comments "is everything ok?"

I take a sigh and lug myself into a booth close to the counter "a main water pipe busted in my apartment last night around 2am and flooded the whole floor"

"Holy shit" Chanyeol exclaims "where did you stay last night? What about your stuff?"

"I managed to save most of my important things, like cloths and valuables, but everything else is ruined. I stayed at a hotel. Though I have a feeling I'm going to have to find something else... I can't afford to stay there while my landlord is getting it fixed. He owned up to it being old pipes and said he'd pay to get everything fixed and replaced, even my stuff, but it's going to be a few days... if not weeks"

"Oh, fuck" chanyeol curses, sitting down across from me.

"Language" I scold, but we both know I don't have any energy to make it actually sound threatening.

"That must have been awful. How much sleep are you riding on?" The taller asks, his eyes shining with concern.

I sigh and rub my temples "none. I've been awake since the sound of the pipe busting, woke me early this morning"

Chanyeol cringes and leans across the table, grabbing my hand "come stay with us, Hyung. We'll find a place for you at the fraternity"

A smile tugs at my lips from the sweetest offer, but I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Because I know who will be there if I were to crash with the boys for a while. Jongdae. 

We've finally gotten into a friendly ground with one another. We have conversations when he comes in for his morning coffee, and I've even sat down with him when he eats lunch here every once in a while. Our relationship is making great progress and I'm content with this casual friendliness. I think sleeping under the same roof and being within breathing distance that often, would make it complicated and uncomfortable. 

I pat Chanyeol's hands and stand up, wobbling slightly, but manage to stable myself under the alarmed gaze of my giant employee.

Offering him a slight smile that I hope is somewhat reassuring, I put my hands up and start to make my way back to my office.

"Hyung" the human puppy whines at me "please come stay with us for a while. You need a good nights sleep, and maybe some home cooked food in your belly. I'll get Soo to make you your favorite"

The offer is tempting, but I'm still hesitant. I really don't want to screw things up with Dae, and honestly... a man has his pride.

"Don't worry about me, Yeol. I'm a big boy. I'll figure something out" 

>>>>>

~Jongdae~

The doorbell rings once more, and my mind grumbles as I head to retrieve it. From the sound of it, a wicked storm is waging outside and i at least have enough sympathy not to leave anyone out in this.

I turn on the hallway lights and finally notice the hallway full of half asleep boys, also ambling towards the door. Their collective confusion and zombie like movements are amusing, but my grumpy brain can't seem to make me laugh about it.

"Go back to bed, Idiots. I've got it" I order.

"No, we need to be here in case it's a robber" clearly the most intelligent of the group points out.

"Chanyeol... a robber wouldn't ring the damn doorbell" I hiss, just as a strike of lightening and a crack of thunder shutters the house.

The boy's all jump and a few even make a yelping sound. I notice Chanyeol grab onto Baekhyun, just as Jongin does, while Yixing and Tao fold around a still shaking Sehun. I shake my head at them, and turn to answer the door. 

What I find on the other side surprises, but also worries me to no end. 

"Minseok?" I ask, my chest clenching as I take notice of the soaked, shivering, and slightly delirious looking man in front of me.

He opens his mouth to say something, but his teeth chatter too much to properly communicate. I have him pulled into the house and am pulling him out of his wet cloths in seconds.

"Boys. Go get blankets and the heater from the back room, then draw a warm bath, don't make it hot or we could send him into shock." I bark, my mind flustered, but focused on getting this human popsicle warmed up. I hear a flurry of shuffles and murmurs as the boys rush to get me the things I asked for. 

Minutes later i'm pulling Minseok into the bathroom, and helping him out of the last of his cloths. The poor man shivers, but has seemed to have warm up a bit. Chanyeol wraps a towel around his shoulders and whispers something to Minseok i don't exactly catch.

"Why were you even out in this shit?" i ask, turning around to feel the water of the bath. Good, not too hot.

I stand up and Minseok actually looks a little guilty. "tiredness out-won pride" he mumbles and shares a knowing look with his young employee. 

I feel like i'm missing something, but choose to ignore it in favor of helping Minseok. I go to grab at the waist of his pants, but he steps back and gives me an alarmed expression. It hits me then just how uncomfortable i'm probably making the other at this point, and i feel and instant wave of regret hit me. 

Taking my own step back, i stutter an apology and Chanyeol easily steps in. The younger wordlessly helps his boss out the rest of his cloths and into the bathtub, kneeling down next to him and gently pouring water over the parts not soaked in the tub. I watch the two and think about how much they really care about one another. 

Chanyeol and Minseok have a lot in common after all, so it doesn't surprise me that they have bonded in such a way. Still, i can't help the pang of jealousy i feel, not really for Chanyeol touching Minseok, but how well the man trusts the younger. 

A part of me understands that trust has to be earned. I have a lot of making up to do, for Minseok to trust me, but i wish he'd give in a little faster. At times like this i wish Minseok would cave and let me be by his side. In college i never pushed it because i didn't think i deserved it, and hell, i know i don't deserve it now, but i'm tired. I'm so tired of dwelling on what i do and don't deserve. I'm so tiered of beating myself up over mistakes i made in the past, of trying to make up for the shit of a human being i used to be.

Even Sungjae told me that it's ok to want things for myself, it's ok to desire happiness, even if i don't feel that i should. Minseok is the first thing I've wanted since i got better. He's the first real thing I've allowed myself to dream about in a really long time, and a part of that scares me, but the other parts feel an unfaltering determination. This is a buzz i haven't felt since high school, this holistic drive to go after something i want with every part of my being. 

"I'm going to check on the others downstairs" i say, heading towards the door. 

For a second i catch Minseok's eyes, and i tell myself that i'm imagining the disappointment I see resting in them.

........

Minseok tells us everything later when he's wrapped in an abundance of blankets, his hair fluffy and cute from being blow-dried. A whole house full of boys surround Minnie on the floor in the den, feeding him warm porridge Kyungsoo had whipped up shockingly fast. 

Without even a discussion the boys decided (without Minseok's opinion) that he will stay with us until his apartment gets fixed. I had laughed at the perplexed and slightly panicked look Minseok had sported after the boys launched into a debate over where he'd stay, but hid it behind a cough and stopped the kids quickly.

"Guys, that should really be Minnie's decision. His comfort is most important here" i say, the boys instantly seeming to agree with me.

"Who do you want to stay with hyung?" Kyungsoo asks, his wide eyes putting the painfully shy Minseok on the spot.

"Um... i can just sleep on the couch. I don't want to put anyone out" Minseok mumbles, looking more and more uncomfortable over the attention.

"Nonsense. Sehun, room with Yixing. You sleep in his bed most nights anyways" i say looking at our youngest and he just nods accepting the arrangement easily "so you can stay in Sehun's room."

"Actually, I've seen Sehun's room. Trust me, Minseok would have a meltdown in there. You can have my room, and I'll crash with Jongin" Baekhyun says casually. "Trust me, i keep it really clean and i'm able to sleep anywhere, so it's not putting me out in the slightest"

Watching the slight agitation click into Kyungsoo and Chanyeol's eyes, as they tense as the new arrangement. I worry over whether or not this will become a problem. I cast the concern aside however when Minseok takes a deep breath and seems really grateful for the sentiment. 

"Alright." i say, making a few of the boys jump. "Minseok's a big boy he can finish eating on his own and i'll show him to Baekhyun's room later. All of you to bed, now"

A full round of groans fill the room, making my inner teacher sadist thrive, but i just chuckle and shoo them all to their rooms. "you all have class tomorrow. Go."

Once the room is cleared out and the attention is no longer on him, i watch Minseok visibly deflate. Smiling to myself, i walk over and kneel in front of the other man. "Baekhyun's staying in your old room, i'm sure you can find it. Just leave the dish in the sink when you're done. Please stay down here as long as you'd like and warm up. You know where to find me if you need anything"

I'm stopped at the door by a small call of my name "Jongdae... thanks"

I smile and nod shortly "anything for you, Minnie" Then leave the man to soak up all the warmth and comfort he can. 

......

Rolling over in bed for the hundredth time, I huff out a breath. Clearly sleep is evading me now, and I know exactly why I'm having an issue falling back into dream land. 

I pad across the hallway, about to head up the stairs to check in the little hamster, when I notice that the light is still on in the den. My eyebrows bunch, wondering why Minseok is still up.

Forcing down the laugh that suddenly bubbles up my throat, I nearly coo at the sight in front of me.

Minseok is curled into a ball, sill sitting up, but heavily leaning forward with his head resting on his chest. He actually looks like a little fluffy hamster folded in on himself, and fast asleep.

A sigh leaves my lips as I set down the blanket I was going to bring up to the other, and kneel down on the floor.

"Minseok" I say, nudging his shoulder a bit.

Minseok stirs a some, but doesn't wake up. I shake him harder, but all I get is a soft, adorable grumble. 

Chuckling, I shake my head at the impossible man. How can someone be so sexy and cute at the same time? Like seriously, how is Minseok even real?

Hoisting the little guy into my arms, is easier than I expected it to be. For some reason I thought Minseok would be heavier, but he's actually surprisingly light. And he also feels really good in my arms, like somehow he fits perfectly. 

While I'm carrying him up the stairs, Minseok stirs slightly, and lifts his head. He opens his eyes and blinks up at me.

I huff out a disbelieving breath and stop in my ascent "now you wake up?"

Minseok just blinks at me once more and hums, before leaning in towards me and placing his head on my chest, his face pressed against my neck. He takes in a large breath and releases a soft whine, then grasps onto my shirt with a his small fist. 

My breath catches in my throat and I have to stand there for a few minutes to even out my breathing. Even when being so utterly adorable in my arms, he manages to make my heart tremble.

I slide Minseok onto the bed when I finally get to Baekhyun's room and watch him scoot around, trying to find a comfort spot like a puppy. I once again resist the urge to coo at him and bring the blankets up over his shoulders, tucking him in.

A small, content sigh fills the room and I smile down at the man below me. Watching his steady breathing for a few minuets, I allow myself to sit down on the side of the bed and brush away his hair off his face. He's beautiful to me. He always has been.

It's at moments like that that I actually have to admit my feelings for this man. Self hatred stopped me so long ago from getting close to him, but I know how I felt, even if I tried to hide it. I was so fond of Minseok, because he reminded me of the good in this world. He reminded me of that person that I wanted to, but never pushed myself to be. But he also reminded me that I was never good enough for him.

I always considered Minseok to be an important person to me. I always saw him as someone I wanted to take care of and protect. But back then, I thought staying away from him was my way of doing those things. 

It was too late though, when I realized that he was going to be hurt no matter what I did, i couldn't prevent it. I know Minseok suffered a broken heart because of me, and I couldn't even look him in the eyes after what happened. He was the one person I wanted to keep away from all of it, and he ended up getting the blunt force.

Forgiveness is something that's hard for everyone. After you've been hurt so many times, after you've had your heart scared, it's hard to trust people again. It's hard to allow yourself to feel, because it means the possibility of pain again. I understand Minseok's hesitance more than anyone, but I'm willing to do anything it takes to get him to forgive me. Especially since he's one of the main reasons I still can't forgive myself.

Standing up, I take one last look back at the man sleeping soundly on the bed. He looks so peaceful. So young. I want... need him to stay this way.

I bend down and place a small kiss on his temple, pressing my fingers gently across his cheek. "Good night, my sweet boy" 

Then leave him to his dreams. Is it possibly too selfish of me to hope that maybe I'm in them, just as he is in mine?

>>>>>

~Minseok~

Waking up in my old room, sets off a round of nostalgia i wasn't prepared for. The interior is obviously different, but yet the room itself feels so damn familiar. And when i look out the window that overlooks the small backyard, the cherry blossom tree that i had spent many hours reading under still grows there. It's no longer my room anymore, but gods it still feels sort of like home.

I don't have much of a memory of how I got here. I remember staying in the den, getting warm and cozy, then feeling the fullness of my exhaustion press on me. The next thing i know i'm waking up to the sounds of everyday life of the people that live here now. 

I check the clock next to the bed and my heart stops for a second, before i'm leaping off the bed and barreling downstairs. How in the hell did i sleep through the morning? My internal clock usually never lets me sleep past six a.m. anymore, but here i am rushing through the house at noon. That is until i come face to face with a wide eyed Jongdae, and unfortunately i see him way too late.

We both crash to the floor, Jongdae wrapping his arms around me and taking most of the landing. He groans pathetically under me, and i wince, my head still pillowed on his chest. I risk a peek up at the man, and regret it one i find him staring down at me with a shocked expression.

"S-sorry" i stutter, hating myself immediately. 

Jongdae just shakes his head and sighs "are you ok?"

"I should be asking you that, you're the one i landed on" i say trying to push myself up, but Jongdae's hold on me tightens.

"You know, if i was less of a man, i'd make you feel like absolute shit about this so you'd do anything for my forgiveness" Jongdae says, a feline smirk taking over his lips.

My eyes narrow and i swear, i have no idea what drives me to do it, but i sink my teeth into his chest. The smirk fades pretty fucking quickly and Jongdae gasps. I snort at the man's expression, while he whines in pain, asking me repeatedly why I'd do such a thing. My loud, amused laugh is foreign to my ears.

Our stupidity is only broken up by the clearing of an obviously annoyed third party "not that i disapprove of what's happening here, because ya'll fucking cute together, but it's like noon guys" Tao says, his face pinched into obvious judgment.

It's in that moment that i realize a few things. One: Jongdae and i are basically cuddling/couple fighting on the hallway floor, Two: i'm in the residence that most of my employees live, and Three: i am not wearing anything but my boxer briefs. Lets just say i wasn't aware that i could move so fast.

Once i'm on my feet and glancing down at the ground, my hands trying to shield away my state of undress, i understand why Tao is smirking so much. My face feels as hot as a damn oven, so i can only imagine the scarlet color that gracing my face.

"You're cloths are in the laundry room, hanging up, and Chanyeol went early this morning with Soo to open up big D's, so don't panic and take your time going in today" Tao says, instantly going tiger mom.

"Please stop calling it that" i mumble, but it falls on deaf ears, and Tao continues.

"There's food in the fridge, all you have to do is warm it up, but i suggest you eat it quickly. Food doesn't last long in this house" he says, giving me a once over, taking off his shirt and handing it to me, before heading down the hallway towards the presidents room.

"Wait.." i stop him "what about Chanyeol's early class. Please don't tell me he skipped class because of me"

Tao glances over his shoulder and gives me an amused grin. "why don't you ask his teacher" He punctuates that last word with a motion of his shoulder in the direction of a certain older man and enters the room, slamming the door.

"Wait... does Tao and Kris sleep in the same room?" i ask, looking at Jongdae in disbelief, who sheepishly shrugs "Dae, you know that's not allowed. They could get kicked out of the chapter if the school found out"

Jongdae sighs, picking up the shirt in my hands and slipping it over my head like I'm a fussy child who won't corporate."they're not hurting anyone by sharing a damn bed, and Tao technically has his own bed in Sehun's room, he just doesn't use it... ever"

I shake my head, pushing my arms through the proper holes and fixing the slightly tight shirt across my chest and abdomen. "just be careful. You know what happened with-"

"Yeah... i know. I lost a good friend because of that, and it was all because of my own stupid fuck up"  he says, clearly lost in his own world of regrets.

"Hey. Shit happens. We move on." I say, putting a hand on Jongdae's arm.

"Do we?" he asks, giving me a pointed look and i know we're not talking about the other incident anymore.

I take a deep breath and nod lightly "yeah, we do. We forgive and slowly move past things. Life is too short to hold onto things, especially when it's clear that people change"

Jongdae's eyes hold mine, unfaltering in their gaze. He almost looks close to tears and he reaches out brushing his fingers lightly over my cheek "people do change, Minseok. I promise they do"

"Well it looks like they have a lot of proving of themselves to do" i say, smiling and giving the other a wink.

Dae grins like a child who got the one toy they had wished for all year, on Christmas. He reaches down and grabs my hand, then drags me towards the kitchen. "come on, let's get some food in that little tummy of yours"

I laugh at the sudden, but not unwelcome change "and what's this about asking his teacher?" i question, when the other sits me down in a chair and starts rifling through the fridge. 

Dae stills and becomes slightly rigid. He laughs nervously and turns to me, with a guilty hand on the back of his neck "well.. Chanyeol's kind of in my class"

I blink at him and tilt my head "ok? That explains how Chanyeol got out of it, but why are you here? You're usually always on campus all day, right?

Dae bites at his lip and smiles in a way that makes his eyes disappear "i may have cancelled all of my classes for today"

I sigh out an exasperated breath and shake my head "and yet maybe people don't change completly... you're still an idiot"

Jongdae whines and pouts, while fixing my food, and i just watch, amused. Some things never change, and this side of Dae, the playful, childlike side, i'm glad didn't go away. This was the side that made me fall for him, after all.

......

"Are you fucking kidding me?"  I ask staring at the hunk of metal sitting proudly and sparkling in the sun light right in front of me.

Jongdae sighs and rolls his eyes "you didn't used to curse this much in college"

I lift an eyebrow and fix Jongdae with a look that I hope communicates just how done with his shit I am.

"Time has weathered my heart and made it impossible for me to tolerate bullshit... cursing is just a side effect" I remark, causing an amused smirk from the other.

"Fair enough, but seriously... you need to get across campus in a reasonable amount of time because you just realized that Tao, Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol are all running the coffee shop without you there... do you really have an option to be picky right now?" Jongdae points out.

My lips tick at the frustration of this man always managing to be right, but I throw my stubbornness out the window in the sake of my own sanity. Gods knows what my precious shop looks like right now. I could end up walking into a post apocalyptic style scene very soon and the faster I get there the better.

Swallowing my pride for the second time in the past twenty four hours is in no way fun, nor recommend. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I reach out and take the helmet from Jongdae's outstretched hand. The other smiles victoriously and I just want to hit him for his shamelessness, but I push it down. I'd like to arrive at my destination in one piece, and Jongdae can be a vindictive little bitch. I'm sure many of our fraternity brother alumni can attest to that.

Jongdae throws a leg over the bike, and sits comfortably on his seat, clearly something he's done a thousand times. I have to admit, the leather jacket, boots, and tight ripped jeans all packed on top of a motorcycle.... is kind of working for me. 

I huff out a breath and chastise myself for blatantly checking Dae out, especially when he looks back at me with a knowing, but expectant expression. Heat instantly floods my cheeks at  having been caught, and I quickly climb on the bike behind Jongdae to hide my embarrassment.

Jongdae's musical laugh is the last thing I hear before the engine growls to life and we take off down the road. 

I have to admit. It's exciting, and thrilling, but also slightly terrifying. By the way Jongdae easily weaves his way across campus, he's obviously no stranger to driving one of these death traps, but that doesn't stop my anxiety from bubbling up. My hands find their way around the other's waist very quickly and I swear I feel him tense under my arms, before I feel his abdomen shake with laughter.

There's a comforting pat on my arm, and for a second I relax a bit, but then screech at the idiot I'm currently entrusting my life with, to use both fucking hands. I get more laugher at that, and never have I wanted to throat punch anyone more than I have in this moment.

"Minnie" I hear Jongdae say.

I'm surprised at how well I can hear him, before I realize that the rumbling of the engine and the whipping of the air by my ears have stopped. I lift my head, once again shocked to find that I had tucked it against Jongdae's back at one point.

My shop stands before me, as well as my employees on the other side of the glass. All gawking at the sight of me attached to their teacher/house dad on the back of his motorcycle.

That knocks some quick sense into me, and I scramble to jump of the bike. I bow and mumble a quick awkward thank you, then shuffle towards the door. I'm stopped in my tracks very abruptly however, by a firm grip on my elbow.

"Minseok" there comes my name again. Why oh why does he have to say my name in that damn tone? That drop dead, sexy as fuck, take my now where I stand tone. 

I admit that I'm so attracted to Jongdae that I can't stand it sometimes. Still now, after all of this time, I can't look at him without my stomach aching in want, but I resolved to give him a second change, just this morning. Why of all times does my interest in Dae have to peek? Why can't I push these feelings down like I've always done?

Turning around slowly, I find my answer. Jongdae looks like my wettest dream come to life, straddling that fucking bike, in that fucking leather jacket, his hair slicked back and perfect, despite the wind. I'd let him take me on the street if he wanted... I don't even have the shame enough to chastise myself for that thought.

Dae smirks at me, as if he can see every thought I just had, and climbs off of his bike. He stands in front of me, and reaches up, unclipping the helmet I just realized I still have on. I close my eyes and curse my own stupidity, but open them wide when I feel Jongdae's hands in my hair.

Wearing a fond smile, Jongdae fixes my hair. (I swear at one point he mumbles 'just as soft as I remember' but I know I'm imagining things. Jongdae never touched my hair... well except for that one time.) Once he's satisfied, he steps back and grins that beautiful eye smile at me.

"Perfect. Have a good day at work, sweetheart" he says, winking at me, and climbing back onto his bike.

"Wait" I call as he starts up the engine again. "Would you like to come inside for a coffee? On the house" I say, kind of not wanting Jongdae to leave. This alone worries me, but I push it down, deciding it's time to open up a window... it's a little stuffy on this side of the wall.

Jongdae gives me an almost sad look, like he almost wished I wouldn't have asked him that. "Maybe another time... I kind of have somewhere to be"

"Oh, that's ok." I'm quick to diminish his regretfulness over not being able to stay and offer him, what I hope is a kind, instead of disappointed, smile. "Another time"

Jongdae smiles at me, seeming relived and nods "catch you later, Minnie"

I watch until his taillights disappear around the corner, before turning back to my cafe, but regret it instantly. Tao is presses up against the glass, a Cheshire smile on his face and a wicked flame in his eyes. 

A whimper slips from my lips unintentionally, and I take a deep breath, not even mentally ready to deal with what's about to unfold.

The word "fuck" falls from my lips for the record setting time today.

>>>>>

~Jongdae~

"Hey man, welcome back" Sungjae says patting me on the back.

I smile up at my old friend and clasp his arm in a warm greeting. I could never really get used to hugs with these people and they seem to respect that. Everybody's a hugger here, but I just can't bring myself to allow that type of contact. Something about these people having seen sides of myself that no one else has, leaves me with a biter taste in my mouth.

"It's getting better" Sungjae comments," you don't flinch anymore"

I smile as convincingly as I can and nod "it's getting easier... it's different with..."

"Why do you think that is?" Sungjae asks, understanding my trail off completely.

I shrug "I knew Minseok, I guess. He's someone who knew me before everything"

Sungjae tilts his head "you knew me before, and it's been two years. You've only stopped flinching at my touch recently"

I bite at my lips and shrug "I don't know why. A change maybe? A shift?"

Sungjae nods his head in consideration "maybe you're starting to finally forgive yourself, Dae"

Suddenly I feel a little tense. This is always my least favorite part. Talking like this. Always so comfortable talking about your failures. Expressing your feelings about how you deal with them... I never understood how they could all be so open.

Sungjae pats my back again and smiles "whatever it is, Dae. It's welcome. You could use a little comfort and support. Maybe you'll stop pushing people away now"

An unconvincing nod leaves both of us rolling our eyes and chucking as we head into the small room where the meeting is being called to session. I sit in the circle and look around at the familiar faces. It's been two years since I started coming and these people have actually become pretty good friends. 

By their standards I've made leaps and bounds of progress, but by my own, I only see the things I haven't achieved yet.

Minseok flashes through my head. His smile, his laugh, his warm honey like eyes. I care about him just as much as I always have, and yet he's the one person I'm terrified to get close to, but I can't stay away. Minseok makes me want to be happy again, he makes me want to try again, and that's something I didn't think I'd feel for a long time. 

I smile to myself as I recall what Minseok said to me earlier today. Maybe... if he believes people can change, then maybe it's true. If I can get him to forgive me for everything I did wrong, then there's a possibility that I can too.

"You look oddly happy about something, Dae" Jiyong says, pulling me out of my head "maybe you'd like to share"

I send Jiyong eye daggers at putting the always unwelcome attention on myself and stand up, taking a deep breath "hi, my name is Jongdae and I'm an alcoholic."

The usual chorus of "hi, Jongdae" fill the space, and i push down the nearly desperate need to roll my eyes.

"I've recently rekindled a relationship with someone I knew back when I was in college. Someone I knew before I hit rock bottom. Someone who was really special to me." I say, kind of in a rush.

Jiyong smiles at me and tilts his head, reminding me of the way Sungjae had looked at me earlier. "This makes you happy?"

The smile that pulls my lips up can't be forced down and I find myself nodding "he does. He makes me really happy. He's the type of person that inspires me, guides me. He makes me want to be the best version of myself and I haven't felt like that in a long time"

"The problem?" Jiyong ask, probably already guessing my hesitation.

"The person I was back then was an absolute asshole. Even when I was younger I was always trying to chase happiness to the bottom of a liquor bottle or through the endless string of one night stands... I was a dick and he saw all of it, but despite that he still managed to see the real me, he found the good parts and really loved me. I hurt him. For a long time I didn't remember what I did, but recently, it all came back to me"

Jiyong huffs out a sympathetic breath "ah, yeah. 'The blackout reoccurrence' as I like to call it. When all of the messed up shit you did while you were sauced comes rushing back to you. Those are never fun"

I bite at my lip and close my eyes tightly for a second "I hurt him bad, even though he was one of the few people who actually gave a shit about who I really was and cared about my life more than I did.... I broke him" I blink away the blurriness in my eyes, finally accepting how bad doing what I did to Minseok all of those years ago, actually fucked me up.

"Has he forgiven you?" Sungjae asks quietly.

I shake my head "no, but he's willing to let me work towards it. He's willing to give me a second chance to prove myself"

"Then take it. Quit caging yourself up for the past and decide to be better in the present. Your future is what you make it to be, Dae. Do you want a future with this man?" Jiyong asks.

I nod, grasping my jacket to hold myself together "more than anything"

Jiyong smirks "make it so. I know you're afraid that you'll hurt him again, but you said it yourself once. When you find something worth protecting, something worth fighting for, then you better prepare for battle, even if your biggest opponent... is yourself"

....

"I don't know how you do what you do" I remark, as we stand outside the small church, watching everyone walk to their vehicles or chat in small groups.

Jiyong smirks, and lights up a cigarette "what exactly do I do that's so remarkable to you?"

I snort. Jiyong's always been one of my favorite people. His 'take no shit' attitude, mixed with his 'would take a bullet for a friend' loyalty, never fails to make me admire the man. He's the best sponsor I could as for.

"Work at the club. Fuck, you work as a bartender, Ji. A recovered alcoholic working at one of the busiest clubs in the city" I shake my head in awe "it's kind of remarkable"

Jiyong shrugs "I figured throwing myself into the lions den would be easier than trying to tiptoe around it"

I glance sideways at the human chimney next to me "how'd you deal with it? How did you not get clawed alive?"

Jiyong smirks and reaches out, petting my head affectionately, even though we're practically the same age "I made friends with the lions"

I watch him walk away, climbing into his boyfriends car and wave as they peel out of the parking lot. Sometimes I wonder where he'd be if he hadn't had dropped out of school and fucked his life up. I guess, I could say the same for myself though, where would I have been if I hadn't had messed up... if I hadn't had left that morning.

There's no sense in dwelling in the past, though. You can fix anything by constantly reliving your mistakes or replaying your failures. Jiyong's right, as always. The future is what you make it and if I want, truly want Minseok in it, then I better throw on my suit of armor and grab my shield.

.. 

As I walk in the familiar coffee shop, inhaling the sent that's constantly lingering on my favorite barista, I'm filled with a whole new type of resolve. Especially when those large, bright eyes look up at me and burst with a radiance I though I had killed long ago. Minseok is someone I will fight to the very end to keep by my side. I will never hurt him again, and I will spare noting to protect him, even if I have to face myself to do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a bit more insight into some things with XiuChen, especially Jongdae. I'm hoping that might have cleared up a few things, but I realize it might have just raised more questions. Sorry, but not really. You know author-nim loves to tease you guys!
> 
> Anyways. I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you guys next time. Toris is up next!


	19. Pencil me in (Taoris)

~Kris~

"What about Thursday?" I ask, staring at my scheduling book.

It seems like nothing but penciled in appointments, my school schedule, practices, games, and meetings, fill the pages. It's hard to even find a single blank space on the page, but I can always find some time to schedule in the man I love.

Tao is silent for a moment, then sighs, continuing to dress "can't, I have all day classes, then I took an evening shift because Yeol has something planned"

"Friday?" I ask, my voice sounding tighter. I hope he doesn't hear it. "I have an hour I was reserving to work on my thesis, but that can wait"

"Can't, Kyungsoo is going with Yixing this weekend and I promised to take Friday if Yeol takes Saturday" Tao explains.

"Then you're free Saturday since no classes and no evening shift." I say, already starting to mark it down on my calendar.

"Actually... I have plans" Tao says, his voice sounding a little guilty.

I swivel around in my chair, observing my boyfriend carefully. Busy, I can understand. But to make completely alternative plans when I've been trying to find time to spend together all week... it pulls at a little something in my chest.

"Plans? What's more important than going out on a date with your boyfriend?"

Tao gives me a sheepish smile "I'm going out to diner and a movie with Jonghyun. He's going through something right now and needs a friend"

I lift an eyebrow and clench my jaw " so going out with your new friend to console him is above a date with your long time boyfriend?"

"It's not like that, Yifan" Tao says, surprising me by using my Chinese name, something he hasn't done since high school.

"Then explain it to me, Zitao" I fire back.

Tao crosses his arms and gives me an irritated look "I already made the plans and I won't cancel on someone who's already going through a hard time. We can do something another time."

I turn my chair back around without even a second glance at him and shake my head "whatever. Fine"

I hear Tao sigh deeply behind me and shuffle around a bit, before the bedroom door opens "I'll see you after class?"

After a few beats of silence, another sigh is expressed and the click of the door latch echoes.

My date planner lands across the room, while my head lands in my hands. I hate this. This is the whole reason we've drifted apart. Junmyeon was right. We've managed to stop making each other top priority, and that's why our spark is dying. You can't keep your house warm if you don't feed the fire, and Tao and I have basically let it reduce to embers.

......

"Sounds to me like you two could have done with some talking after he got home from class... instead of running away to have lunch with a friend like a pouty child" junmyeon says, placing a bite of food into his mouth before giving me an expectant look.

I blink and avoid the man's gaze. He always knows how to pick me apart at the seams. Junmyeon's just one of those people who you can't hide anything from. He'll always see right through you. Maybe that's what I need though.

"I don't want to talk to him right now" I say, and immediately curse myself for sounding like an indignant child, further proving Jun's point.

Junmyeon rolls his eyes "how mature of you"

I sigh and place my chopsticks down on the table a little to forcefully "then tell me, oh wise one. What should I do?"

The smirk and slightly raised eyebrow that Junmyeon gives me, makes me take a minute to really think about how attractive my friend actually is. I can understand why girls and even some guys faun over him. Junmyeon just has that classic, sophisticated type of attractiveness. He's extremely handsome, and it makes me wonder why he doesn't have a partner. 

Maybe I could set him up with one of the guys... I know Soo is single, but he's kind of nursing a crush on Jongin right now. Perhaps Sehun might enjoy a more mature man, he seems to enjoy being taken care of, but i don't think Junmyeon is really the coddling type that Sehun goes for.

I'm snapped out of that thoughts by Junmyeon's signature annoyed sounding sigh and I'm instantly reminded of why my friend is painfully single. He's not really someone who enjoys wasting his time and to him relationships are the biggest waste of time there are. Though he always seems to have limitless advice and wisdom in the area.

I kind of pity Junmyeon. Being single can be great, and I was in his position for a while myself. It wasn't until I met Tao that I understood why people would want someone next to them through the ups and downs of life. 

I focus back on Junmyeon and find an almost sadness in his eyes I didn't notice before. I recognize that emotion well. Junmyeon is lonely. He just refuses to admit it to himself.

"Have you tried... i don't know, actually talking to your boyfriend?" Junmyeon asks with his particular brand of sass.

I roll my eyes and exhale forcefully, putting my concern for my friend on the back burner. "It's not something that's easy to bring up. It's not like i can say 'i'm afraid our relationship is on a fast path to a fucking brick wall and you spending time with and prioritizing this new friend is making me really insecure about whether or not you even want us anymore'?"

Junmyeon shrugs indifferently "Sounds good to me"

I'm shaking my head even before he finishes his thought "i can't just do that. Tao's sensitive. I have to be careful with him. I don't want to plant ideas in his head if they aren't there already."

"Trust me. I don't think you'd be introducing a new idea to him. I'm sure that what you're feeling, he is too. Which is why you two need to work through this together." Junmyeon explains. "An adult relationship needs adult cultivating. Talk about your feelings, Kris. I promise it won't kill you" Junmyeon says, his usual deep wisdom shinning through.

"I kind of hate when you're right" I huff, crossing my arms. 

Junmyeon gives me another of his secret smirks "no you don't. That's why you came to me... because i'm one of the few people who will tell it to you straight"

My eye's narrow and i groan "i'm not good at this, Jun. I never have been. Even after all of this time, talking about how i feel and what i want, doesn't come easy to me."

"Maybe that's one of the reasons why all of this is happening" Junmyeon suggests. 

Shrugging, i stab at the rice in my bowl with my chopsticks "because we don't communicate properly?"

"Because you're an emotional fail who is terrible at communication and instead of acting like a man, chooses to hide from his problems and complicate issues further than they already were" Junmyeon deadpans.

I blink at the man in front of me, my eyes slightly wide "ouch, you don't hold back"

Junmyeon laughs out a short breath and tilts his head "it's kind of my thing. Giving people a good swift kick in the ass when i feel that they aren't preforming adequately. I'm even majoring in it, so i kind of excel at doing this"

I roll my eyes again, loving the way Junmyeon's jaw tightens at the sight. My friend is a man of order and control. Sometimes it's fun to watch that control waver. It makes me wonder what would happen if he were to completely lose that control he hold to dearly.

I look my friend in the eyes and take a deep breath "I'm just so afraid that if I address the problem, then everything will implode. Everything feels like it's being held together by extra thin, precariously placed pieces of string. I don't know what to do if it all falls apart"

Junmyeon nods his head, and signals for the waiter "that could possibly be a good thing, Kris"

"How is having my entire relationship crumble, a good thing?" I ask, astounded by the very suggestion.

"Because" Junmyeon explains, signing the credit card slip for the bill I didn't even see the waiter bring to the man. "Then you can rebuild. You can only patch holes for so long, Kris. Eventually you just have to know when to throw away the old, ugly tattered relationship and start over"

I want to protest, but I'm the deepest parts of my gut, I know he's right. I've been trying to fix something and spice up a relationship that just doesn't work for either of us anymore. It's time to start with something fresh, start with something new that can adapt to our changed lives. Somewhere along the line, we got busy and in our fast paced schedules, we forgot to make time for each other.

A relationship can only last if the people in it, grow and change together. Failure to adapt and compromise for the sake of each other is what kills a relationship, and that's exactly how Tao and I have beat ours into something unrecognizable. 

In an effort to succeed and advance in our own lives we kind of left our relationship in the dust, and relied on the comfort and familiarity of each other. Tao and I have just been cohabiting for so long, and I haven't even realized it. 

My mind plays an image of strings snapping in succession, and my chest clenches painfully.

"What did you just do?" I ask, staring at Junmyeon like he just did an impossible magic trick.

The smirk resurfaces as Junmyeon sits back in his chair, crossing his legs and regarding me with what i can only think to be fascination "I didn't do anything, Kris. You figured all of that out on your own. I just handed you the scissors"

>>>>

~Tao~

"Thanks for coming out so suddenly" Jonghyun says, his voice not even close to his normal chipperness.

I reach out and pat my friend on the arm "you know I'm here for you. We're friends now, and I'm very loyal and caring to my friends. Plus... I don't really care for sitting in an empty room anymore" I say, biting at my lip and looking down at my phone again for the hundredth time since I got home from classes. Still nothing.

Jonghyun nods, giving me a sympathetic expression, but thankfully doesn't force me to talk about it. "I just can't believe it"

I huff out a disbelieving laugh, glad to have something distract me "me either. I mean, no one, like seriously, no one believes that Kibum is straight. I want to know how he managed to get a girlfriend"

Jonghyun shrugs and lets his head hang "apparently they have a class together and have been hooking up for a couple months"

"And he took this long to tell you?" I ask, my voice raising to what Baekhyun likes to call my 'bitch tone'.

Jonghyun just helplessly nods "I mean, I can understand if he's still in denial about being gay. I mean, it's whatever... but I'm still his best friend. How could he not tell me for months?"

My heart breaks a little for this man. Jonghyun is such a good person, such a sensitive soul, and a true friend. I honestly don't know how anyone could ever hurt or lie to him. 

It's at moments like these that I remember that there's two of us in this. That were not just doing this thing for my relationship, but for Jonghyun's as well. Jonghyun is the type of person who deserves a happy ending and I really want to help give it to him.

"Listen, lets go get some ice cream" I say "you'll feel better if we do something fun to get your mind off of it" I suggest.

Jonghyun takes a deep breath and bravely pulls his lips into a tight smile "sure, sounds good"

........

"Oh shit" I say under my breath, as we enter the small ice cream shop.

Jonghyun bumps into me from behind and mumbles a confused "why'd you stop suddenly?"

I turn around quickly, making sure to block Jonghyun's view of the rest of the shop and smile down at him. Apparently my 'everything's ok' smile sends off red flags, though. Jonghyun gently pushes me aside and gets a good look at the reason for my panic.

"We should leave" he says quietly, his words slightly trembling on exit.

My chest clenches even tighter for the man, and I nod, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the door.

"Jonghyun"

Curse the gods and everything they love. For the first time in forever I don't want the attention thrown my way. For the first time I actually want to fly under the raider. One of my greatest enjoyments in life is stirring the pot and watching shit hit the fan, but not now. Jonghyun has become an important friend to me, and I really don't want him hurt any more than he already is.

Jonghyun pauses with his hand on the door and takes in a deep, stuttering breath before turning around with a wide smile on his face. It's so fake, it looks painful.

"Kibum" Jonghyun calls, his tone forced.

I watch as the two friends hug, and Kibum bounces around while they causally chat. Clearly, he's completely oblivious to his best friend's inner turmoil. 

"Hey, Tao" Kibum says, his smile overly sweet and his tone obviously sarcastic. "It's so good to see you.... again... with Jonghyun. I just love your impression of a leech"

I nod and give Kibum my best 'I may look sweet, but I'll fucking cut you' look "likewise, Kibum." I give him my judgiest once over. "I'm always in awe of your style sense" Kibum looks surprised and almost pleased by my compliment before I quickly add "I wish I had the courage to be happy with mediocrity like you are. It must be so relaxing not to try everyday"

Kibum's jaw clicks and Jonghyun intelligently intervenes before he can fire back something that would only get his scrawny ass knocked out.

"So, what are you doing here?" Jonghyun asks, literally putting himself in between Kibum and me.

Kibum still eyes me, but relaxes slightly in front of his friend "we're on a small date" he says, motioning towards a table in the corner of the shop.

A small, mousy type girl sits there, blinking curiously at the scene in front of her. She's kind of got this homey look to her, with her thick rimed glasses and her hair swept up into a bun that looks like it hasn't been washed in days. I may not like Kibum, but I know the bitch has standards... and she is nowhere near them. 

I have no intention of being mean or judgmental over someone I don't even know. but I know Kibum well enough to understand that this is way below his level. 

I can feel Jonghyun's distress as Kibum drags his friend over to introduce him to his new girlfriend, but there's nothing I can really do here. Out of all the times I've met Jonghyun's best friend, it's never seemed like Jonghyun wants me to bail him out. I always stand back and let the two talk, observing how they interact with one another.

Now, however, is different. Jonghyun never asks or seems like he wants me to step in, but I can't just stand by and watch a close friend struggle. He looks as if he's in physical pain, and that just pushes my buttons in all the wrong ways.

"Jonggie" I call, gaining the boy's attention despite being mid conversation.

Jonghyun turns to me and gives me a confused but almost amused expression "yes, Taozie?" He coos, seeming to forget that Kibum is right next to him.

Delight fills my body at the look of annoyance and anger that pastes itself across Kibums face at our exchange.

"Can we continue our date now?" I ask, my voice extra thick with sweetness.

Jonghyun blinks at me, then gets this cute little smirk brushing his lips, and Kibum's lips curls in disgust.

"Date? You two are dating?" Kibum asks, practically shrieking.

Jonghyun looks at his best friend in surprise, before his expression hardens "of course, for a while now"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Kibum asks, genuinely sounding hurt.

"Oh, I though we were keeping secrets from each other now" he glances at Kibums new girlfriend and raises his eyebrows.

Kibum actually has the audacity to look guilty "I just... I didn't know how to tell you..."

Jonghyun's answering expression sends a chill up my spine "don't worry about it. I always thought we were the type of friends that told each other everything... but I guess I was wrong. Good to know where we stand now"

"Jonghyun" Kibum protests and I even admit that, that was a little harsh.

"Lets go, Tao" Jonghyun says, walking towards me, and offering out his hand.

A part of me doesn't feel that this is fair. Best friends shouldn't leave a situation like this. I know that there are hurt feeling between these two, but years of friendship is worth more than this.

The look in Jonghyun's eyes, however, tells me just how desperate he is to get out of here. The thin line of glimmering moisture just above his lower eyelid doesn't even allow me to hesitate. I place my hand in his and practically run out of the ice-cream shop. Hearing one last, distressed call of Jonghyun's name over my shoulder.

........

"Thank you... again" Jonghyun says, forcing out a humorless laugh. "When I invited you out earlier, I intended to do something fun, that would get our minds off of our bullshit love lives, but I guess it's kind of ruined now"

I sigh and wrap my arm around his shoulders "don't worry about it"

"Do you think I was a little too harsh?" He asks, his voice so small.

"Only you know the level of pain you feel. Even though I can be sympathetic, I will never exactly know what you're going through." I smile and stop us, turning to my friend and grabbing his hands "I think your hurt from what Kibum did is greater than even you think, and now I think he knows how much he hurt you too. It wasn't really a matter of being too harsh... I think your pain just translated into words when you weren't meaning it to"

Jonghyun bites at his lip, vaguely reminding me of Sehun when he worries about something "even though I'm hurting... I don't want the same for my best friend"

My chest clinches painfully. Jonghyun is such a beautiful, kind soul. Even when he's in pain, he wishes nothing but the best for the person he's being hurt by. This world really doesn't deserve this kid.

"I know what it feels like to wish complete happiness for someone even if you're not the reason for it" I say, understanding Jonghyun.

"Kris? But he loves you so much, that's clear even to an outsider."

I shrug "there was a bit before we started dating, that he was seeing someone else. Even though he says he has only loved me, I know he loved him too. There was a short period of time where Kris hesitated with me, and I know he was deciding who he wanted more. Obviously I won in the end, but there was a part of me that just wanted him to be happy and true to himself, even if it wasn't with me"

"Wow" Jonghyun says "you loved him that much?"

I smile and release my friend's hands "still do. I doubt he still has feeling for that other person, but... if I knew he'd truly make Kris happy. I'd let him go and wish them both the best"

"Is that person still in his life?" Jonghyun asks, seeming alarmed.

"Oh yes, they're actually kind of close" I say, seeming to only deepen Jonghyun's surprise "don't worry, I trust both of them. Plus, they don't know I know about their little fling."

Jonghyun's eyes widen "seriously? How did you find out?"

I chuckle "even though I've accepted that it happened, it's still not really a time I'd like to relive."

My new friend holds his hands up, completely understanding my reluctance to go back to that time and takes my hand. We continue to walk some more, silently lost in our own worlds.

I always forget how pretty the river is at night, how magical it feels. Kris had taken me here early on in our relationship, and I remember that it became one of my fondest memories. It was the first time he hadn't taken me out to a fancy restaurant, or taken me shopping to impress me, (which I also love, don't get me wrong. I thoughroughly enjoy being spoiled) but this date was different. It was just us, the lights of the city, and the quiet sounds of the water. 

That night was such a happy one for me. Kris and I had talked for hours about everything and nothing... this was the first place I had really fell for the love of my life. And when I looked into Kris' eyes at the end of the night as he leaned in to kiss me, I know he felt the same.

"Wanna call it a night? I'm suddenly feeling a little tired" I say suddenly.

Jonghyun turns to me with a sweet smile, "of course. I'm feeling kind of exhausted myself. I hear telling off your best friend and crush does that to you"

Our laughter is a refreshing guid home.

......

"I feel like you're going to hit me if I say thank you again" Jonghyun says, as we stop at the front door of the fraternity. 

Jonghyun had insisted on walking me home. I wanted to protest, but the little shit whipped out the puppy eyes, so I couldn't deny him.

A chuckle falls from my lips as I smile adoringly at my adorable new friend. He kind of reminds me of Sehun, someone who just needs to be cared for and shown the kindness he gives. Sehun has become so much like my own child, and maybe Jonghyun will too.

"I won't hit you, but a thank you isn't necessary. I told you, this is what friends are for" I say, patting him on the arm. "I'll always be here when you need me"

Jonghyun smiles, the first one today I've seen that's actually touched his eyes. I'm relived, and so happy, but all of that is rushed away in the matter of seconds.

I don't know how it happened, or even how I didn't see it coming, but the next thing I know, Jonghyun's lips are pressed into mine. It only lasts a second. Im not even sure if I can classify it as a kiss, it's more like a friendly peck, and when Jonghyun pulls back I know it wasn't meant in any type of romantic way.

In fact, the guilt that I find resting in his eyes when he pulls away, has me quickly understanding that he really didn't intend to kiss me at all. I'm about to reassure Jonghyun that it's ok, and he shouldn't feel bad about it, but I never get the chance.

Jonghyun hits the ground with a thud and a pained groan. My eyes widen, watching my friend nursing his jaw at my feet, then snap my head up to lock eyes with nothing but anger and hurt staring back at me... Kris.

>>>>>

~Kris~

This street feels a little bit colder as I walk down it alone. I don't come over here often, but when I do, I'm always with one of the other boys. They're all coffee enthusiasts, but I've just never found a taste for the stuff. Not that I'd tell Minseok. I'm sure the man would take that as a personal offense. 

The happy little bells over the door, sound way too loud to my sensitive ears. I've been in my head for way too long, and everything else is just too abrasive. I should have gone home, but something pulled me here, and I'm too mentally exhausted to fight it.

"You look like shit" comes an all too familiar and comforting voice. Ah, that's why my subconscious dragged me here.

I bark a laugh at his bluntness "thanks, Soo. I do love your compliments."

The all mighty Do Kyungsoo actually cracks a smile at my sarcasm "only for you" he gives me a wink and walks around the counter, motioning to a booth across the room. The coffee shop is kind of dead, so I move without hesitation.

We sit and Kyungsoo proceeds to stare at me for a moment, before sighing "are you going to tell me what's wrong? Or am I going to have to force it out of you?"

"I recall that you used to have no problem with being forceful" I says, giving Soo an easy smirk.

A sudden pain shoots up my leg and Kyungsoo just raises an eyebrow at me. Clearly he's not in the playful mood tonight.

"I don't think Tao and I work anymore" I say, deciding just to lay it all out.

Kyungsoo blinks at me and tilts his head slightly "of course you don't. You two have changed so much over the years, but somehow your relationship hasn't. You still expect each other to be like you were in high school, but you're far from those people"

My mouth pops open slightly in a bit of surprise "why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you warn me that it was happening?"

The man across from me shrugs, "it's kind of something you have to come to terms with on your own. I can't force you to change and honestly, if I had told you a month ago that you and Tao are heading for a cliff... would you have believed me?"

"Yes" I say quickly, too quickly. The answering eyebrow raise tells me he's not buying that answer for a second. "Ok, fine. No, I wouldn't have believed it."

"I know you, Kris. You're too stubborn for your own good and you avoid any type of confrontation. You needed to figure things out on your own" Kyungsoo explains in his usual 'to the point' way.

I sigh deeply and rest my head in my hands "I don't know what to do. What... what if he doesn't want me anymore, Soo? What if I tell him how I'm feeling and he laughs in my face"

I glance up after a few beats of silence, worried that I had irritated the man into reticence. It's happened before and trust me, getting Kyungsoo to talk to you after you've reached his limit, is next to impossible.

Kyungsoo shakes his head and gives me a confused look "why didn't you choose me?"

"What?" I ask, my head shooting up in shock.

After what happened back in high school, I was sure that Soo was past these things. He's made it clear that he understands how I felt about Tao. I cared for Soo very much, but the love I felt for Tao just couldn't allow me to lie to myself.

"Why wasn't it me?" Kyungsoo asks, his expression impassive.

I swallow hard and take a big breath "I loved you, but not even close to the way I loved Tao. Tao scared the shit out of me. He was the first person to really see me, to really understand me in ways even I couldn't. He challenged the way I though, he pushed me out of my comfort zone, and he made me want to do... to be better. Tao was everything I didn't know I wanted"

Kyungsoo's lips twitch into a slight smirk "Tao is so very important to you. You said it yourself, he saw something in yourself that even you couldn't, and he pushed you to be the man you are today... why would you think for a second that he'd easily give up on that? Why in the hell do you think Tao would laugh at you for expressing your feelings? He loves you, Kris. He always has and I know he still does. Your problem isn't that you guys have drifted apart, it's that you don't trust him enough to tell him the truth, and it's only going to get worse until you actually talk to him."

I let my gaze fall to the table, and I knit my fingers together as if I'm a child being scolded "I do trust him, tough."

"Do you?" Kyungsoo asks, his tone making it impossible to hide from this.

I try to hold my ground, to square my jaw and keep the truth in, but I give up quickly under Kyungsoo's unwavering scrutiny "I've never trusted anyone to understand how I feel, Soo. You remember how my dad was. Emotions are nothing but weaknesses, and showing them meant that you aren't a man. Anytime I tried to express my emotions growing up in that house, I was laughed at, yelled at, or called terrible things." I pick at my shirt sleeve and feel a frown pull at my lips "it took me so long to undo most of the things that man did to me, but there's a few lingering habits. I didn't even cry at my grandmothers funeral, because I just couldn't cry in front of other people, Soo."

"And what did Tao do during the service, when everyone was surrounding your mother and comforting your grandfather? When you were hiding out against the wall in the corner, away from everyone, where was he?" Kyungsoo questions.

I blink a few times and then look up, staring into Soo's knowing eyes "right beside me. He didn't leave me for a second and held my hand, even despite the looks he got from my family. Tao was... he was right there"

Kyungsoo smiles at me, and nods. He doesn't have to say it, we both know. 

"I've been an idiot" I say, running a hand through my hair.

Kyungsoo sits back and shrugs "usually"

I huff at my best friend and roll my eyes. Kyungsoo will always be my closest friend, but also my biggest critic. I think that's why I confide in him so much. He's never afraid to tell me when I'm fucking up and set me straight. It's one of the reasons why I loved him so much once, hell it's the reason why I love him still, even if its in a different way now.

"Talk to your boyfriend, Kris. I know it's hard to be open with yourself, but don't lose him because you're being stubborn" he says, looking over towards the door as a group of girls walk in chatting and giggling at each other.

"Soo?" I inquire as he stands up to attend to his customers.

The man stops and lifts an eyebrow in question.

"Why are you always so willing to help me through these moments? Why are you so helpful with my relationship with Tao? You of all people have the right to tell me to fuck off with these problems" I say, kind of concerned for my friend.

After I had first told Kyungsoo about Tao, and when I explained that we couldn't see each other anymore, Soo has graciously stepped back. I had hurt him so bad, I know I did, but we both knew it wouldn't have worked between us. Especially not after how hard I fell for Tao. I loved Soo, but no one would ever compare to the love of my life. 

Kyungsoo had every right to keep me at arms length, to distance himself from me and my relationship with the man I left him for. But he didn't, in fact, Soo's seemed to take a special interest in and even has become a mediator in my love life.

I've never questioned it, because I love having Soo on my side. I can't imagine going through some of the things I have without the little guy beside me, but I won't blame him for a second if he walked away. I never want to see my best friend in pain ever again, which is why I'm always so hesitant to talk about Tao and me. 

Kyungsoo gives me a small smile, and reaches over, brushing his fingers over my cheek so gently "because if you two are happy, if you two are content to just have each other in your life, then I'm ok. I guess it's the fact that after all these years, you still choose him... and that somehow makes my broken heart worth it"

My chest clinches at his words and the overwhelming desire to comfort him kicks in, but something in his eyes tells me that he doesn't need it. Kyungsoo's strong, he always has been. He's not the type to need anything from anyone, so whoever he ends up with should feel extremely lucky to have been chosen.

"Talk to your boyfriend, Kris." Kyungsoo says, making a shooing motion with his hand, as he heads to the front counter.

I sigh, knowing Kyungsoo is right. I just don't really know where to start, but I guess actually facing Tao might be a good place.

>>>>>

I have a feeling, however, that the talk might be postponed for a little while, now.

My body reacts before my head does, which means that my fist smashes into the side of this fuckers face, before I even get a chance to think about the consequences. He hits the ground easily and for a second, I get a swirl of shameful pride, then I think about what I just did and all I feel is regret. 

I had just been walking home from the coffee shop, thinking over the things Kyungsoo and Junmyeon had said to me. The one thing that it all came down to was communication and my need to talk to Tao about how I'm feeling.

That all flew head first out a window however when I managed to look up just in time to watch that bastard kiss my man. It seems like I hadn't buried the old Kris as far down as I had thought. 

But now, staring at the crumpled, whining mess at my feet, i can't even bring myself to be that sorry about it either. I look up, and Tao meets my eyes, shock and horror filling his, before recognition kicks in. Tao looks at me, like he hasn't in a long time. Like he's meeting someone he believed to be long gone. I see relief pooling in his eyes and I don't know what this means.

"Kris" Tao whispers, his shock crystal in its clairity.

A part of me wants to explain some things, tell Tao in this moment why this is so very wrong and want I want. But then Tao's eyes harden and he looks away from me, as if he's disappointed. My heart stutters and I know that look will haunt me for a long time.

I push it aside however in favor of beating this little shit to an inch of his life. How dare he touch my Tao. The love of my life. Mine. I can't even find it in me to be mature or level headed about this. There's only so much I can forgive or look away from. 

Jonghyun groans on the ground, holding his face in pain and attempting to stand, but I have no intention of letting him get that far.

I serge forward and collect the asshole by his shirt collar and yank him towards me. He looks up at me with a wide eyed, terrified expression and seems to cringe away, as if waiting for the next blow. I've never been one to disappoint expectations. Tao calls my name, pulling at my arm and telling me to stop, but that's never hindered me before.

"Kris?" That voice, however, is like ice water being dumped down your pants.

My head snaps up, and my arm drops instantly from where I had pulled it back, ready to strike. Sehun stands in the doorway, staring at me.

The fear and concern I see swirling in his eyes, makes every bit of anger drain out of me, replaced with the overbearing protective instinct I've developed for Sehun over the years. I drop Jonghyun and step back, keeping Sehun's unfaltering gaze.

"Hunnie" Tao says, stepping forward and collecting our son in his arms. He gives me one last look, the clearly says 'don't expect me in our bed tonight' and pulls the confused boy inside.

Tao and I had agreed long ago to protect Sehun from anything we were going through as a couple. The kid had been through some rough shit with his own parents. He was always put in the middle and forced to choose sides. We refused to do that to Sehun, and even now, he comes before our petty arguments or jealousies. 

I take a deep breath and let my shoulders sag, taking on the full weight of today. I'm mentally, emotionally, and even physically exhausted. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

"You take his love for granted" Jonghyun says, reminding me that he's down there.

"Do I now?" I ask, sounding just as exhausted as I feel.

Jonghyun shakes his head "you have no idea how much he loves you. If I had someone like him, I'd makes sure every moment of every day that he knows how much he means to me"

"You're wrong. Not about how I fail to make Tao feel important to me, because I really am lacking in that department, but about how I take his love for granted. I'm very aware of how lucky I am to have that man in my life." I shove my hands into my pockets and fix Jonghyun with a glare that he can't even manage to hold "which is why I'm not beating you to an inch of your life right now. For some reason, I think Tao really cares about you and hurting you wouldn't put me in favorable graces. So I'll let you live."

A sigh leaves my lips, as I step around the shell shocked boy on our porch and head towards the door. I pause with my hand on the knob and peek over my shoulder.

"But... If you ever touch him again, it'll be the last time you touch anything" I say, before I walk into the house and slam the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have a lot of comments about this chapter, besides about how much I love Kyungsoo and Kris' relationship. Think about it how you like, but I like the idea that two people can care about each other enough to keep being a part of their lives, even after heartbreak. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you guys liked it. Baekyeol is up next! See you then.


	20. Baekhyun's pedestal (Baekyeol)

~Baekhyun~ 

Loud, boisterous laughter fills the room. Stupid jokes and witty insults are thrown around. Occasional playful punches are exchanged, along with caring touches. This is one of my favorite things. We don't get to have these meet ups often, and you'd think that with most of us living together, that we'd spend more time together. But it's incredibly infrequent when we're all together, and I couldn't be happier when we are. 

It's late, Minseok closed the shop hours ago, but all of us still occupy the small cafe, and no one seems to mind. When time passes as effortlessly and joyously as this, no one really wants to give it up. I love when we can all just sit together, catch-up, and just forget for a moment all of the bullshit life is throwing at us. When you have good friends, shared laughs, and amazing food, problems just fade into insignificance. It's perfect.

"Seriously, though. I thought he was going to deck me" Chen explains, telling one of his many college stories. They're meant to be funny and reminiscent, but somehow also come out as precautionary tales.

"Honestly, you kind of deserved it" Minseok says, sipping at his coffee with an amused smirk.

"You were there?" Chen asks, bewildered. 

Minseok snorts "I helped the guys carry your drunk ass home that night. You kept trying to run away from us. You were repeatedly saying that you wanted to find Ophelia, because, and I quote 'such a gentle soul deserves better than that douche Hamlet. I'll show her how a real man loves a woman' it took me an hour to convince you that she is a strong and independent woman who will figure things out on her own... I didn't have this heart to tell you how the play ended"

Chen looks surprised, then actually seems to carry a look of guilt, and ducks his head, taking a bite of his pastry. It's kind of cute watching our troll of a house dad become completely caught of guard.

I chuckle at the scene, and reach for the last cookie on the plate in front of me, just as my best friend happens to also be reaching for it. Our hands meet over the plate and we lock eyes for a second, pausing in our actions and staring at each other. Our eyes narrow.

The battle ensues silently, an intense game of Rock Paper Scissors, has been wordlessly waged. It's a war I don't intend to lose. That cookie will be mine. Chanyeol throws scissors at the same time I throw rock, and alas, victory is my own.

I laugh in a high pitch and pick up the cookie nibbling into the edge of it, making sure to lock eyes with Yeol, just to rub it in. Chanyeol's eyes narrow, and he reaches over flicking my cookie and making it crumble to pieces. I watch them fall to the table in slow motion and widen my eyes in disbelief. Chanyeol starts to laugh, that obnoxious, flailing chortle he has.

Murderous rage fills me, as I pick up the pieces in my hands and shove them into my best friend's mouth. He chokes a little bit from the unexpected attack, but recovers quickly and smiles, munching on the cookie happily. Bastard.

I can't stay mad at him though, I've missed these moments too much to let them pass carelessly. These times when Yeol and I connect on a deeper, bonded level that no one else can. Chanyeol fills a place in my being that no one else could even dare to fit. My best friend gets me, just as much as I get him. 

Chanyeol grins and reaches over, ruffling my hair. A gesture the giant puppy started a long time ago, one that never fails to comfort and center me. It's almost like his way of telling me he loves me. 

Yeol's never been great with expressing himself verbally, so I just got good at picking up on the subtle things. I'd like to say that I know my friend through and through, but lately, I can't say as much. It feels like I've lost touch with my best friend. Yeol's still by my side, but it feels like he's moving further and further out of my grasp, like he's purposely trying to hide himself from me. I hate it. I just want my Chanyeol back. Like this.

"You two are idiots" Kyungsoo say looking directly at me and Chanyeol.

My response is immediate. 

My eyes go wide and i grasp dramatically at my chest, turning to Chanyeol and grabbing his shirt in my fist "oh my god, Chanyeol. I-I'm an idiot"

Chanyeol's response is also instantaneous, as he grabs my hand and looks at me as if I had just told him I have brain cancer and will die in a week.

"No, Baekhyun. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know, Yeol. I just didn't know."

Chanyeol reaches up and caresses my cheek, adding on the dramatics with an impressive lip tremble, almost making me crack a smile. Oh yeah, I've definitely missed this Chanyeol.

"Baek... I have to tell you something"

"What is it?"

"I'm also... an idot"

"Oh god, no! Why?!" I cry out desperately and slid out of my chair onto the floor and angrily slam my hand on the floor "anyone but him! Curse you gods!!"

I burst out laughing, accompanied by Chanyeol's loud, deep rumble. It's a comforting sound, and it warms my heart.

Kyungsoo leans over the table, staring at me as i roll around on the floor, holding my stomach and scoffs at me. "I'm cutting you off. No more coffee or sweets"

I sit up abruptly and stare at Soo with my best puppy eyes "you don't have that power"

"No, but Minseok does" Kyungsoo says "and who's side do you think he'll be on?"

I climb back up into my chair and stare at Kyungsoo with a horrified expression. "You're a monster"

Kyungsoo just shrugs and picks up his tea "I've been called worse"

"Squishy" Chanyeol and I say in unison.

Kyungsoo's eyes widen to dramatic levels, before they narrow to dangerous ones. A shiver goes up my spine, knowing I'm probably staring at my death, but I can't help the burning amusement filling my chest.

Chanyeol and I bust out laughing, unable to contain ourselves.

"I've heard you call him that before, why?" Jongin asks, plopping down in the seat next to me, suddenly. He throws an arm around my shoulders, causing red hot anger to burn in Soo's eyes.

Chanyeol speaks before I can explain "it's a joke from high school, I doubt you'd get it"

I turn to look at my best friend, only to find all humor drained from his face. My mind swirls at the sudden shift in his mood, but don't get to evaluate, when Jongin plops his head on my shoulder. I don't even have to glance at him to know he's pouting.

Kai may have an iron defense, casting off rude comments with an amused smirk. But Jongin however, is more like a sensitive butterfly. You have to hold him gently and carefully. He gets hurt way to easily.

"It was just something we came up with a while ago, Jonginne. Soo hates it, so it's probably better of you don't know anyways." I explain, trying to appease all parties.

Kyungsoo gives me an approving nod, and Jongin accepts my explanation easily with a sigh. Clearly though, by the annoyed scoff next to me, Chanyeol isn't as sufficed.

I push it out of my mind, letting the pouty man child next to me, brood in silence.

"So when's your apartment supposed to be ready, Hyung?" I ask Minseok, attempting to change the subject.

Minseok winces and sighs "my landlord said it'll be a couple of weeks still. Apparently there was a lot more damage than he thought. Sorry, guys. I didn't know it would be this much of an inconvenience"

"It's alright. You're welcome with us for as long as you need" Kyungsoo says, patting our favorite Hyung's arm.

Minseok smiles gratefully, and I don't for a second miss the side glance exchanged between him and Jongdae.

"Yeah, take your time. I like rooming with Baekkie. He makes a good pillow" Jongin says, nuzzling against my arm.

I chuckle at the boy, and pat his head, catching the sneer Kyungsoo is sending my way. I give him a playful wink, loving the way his eye twitches slightly.

Suddenly, a loud bang sounds next to me, causing me to jump. I look over to find Yeol standing next to me, his hand placed heavily on the table.

"Yeo-"

"Don't call him that like you know him. Only I can call him Baekkie" Chanyeol says staring at Jongin, who is smartly no longer leaning against me.

"I...I'm" jongin stutters, looking like a little lamb pinned by a lion.

"Yeol" Kyungsoo calls in that tone. Honestly, even I'd submit to that tone. I feel Jongin shiver against my side.

Chanyeol's head snaps to his friend and his shoulders sag after a minute of eye contact. "S-sorry." He says guiltily. 

"Hey, we all get a little territorial over our best friends" Kris is the first to speak up "we've all been there. No harm, buddy"

I nod and grab Chanyeol's arm, pulling on it to force him to sit back down "it's cool, Yeol. I kind of hate when people call you Yeollie. That's a best friend right" I say chuckling a bit uncomfortably.

"Do you even know the difference anymore? It seems like the term best friend is subjective for you these days" he says harshly.

I blink at the man I have had by my side for as long as i can remember, the man who has my heart and feel so utterly lost. Why is he acting like this? Has he been feeling neglected lately? Is he mad at me for something I did? Why is he acting like this so suddenly? Chanyeol's always like a damn vault, so how am I supposed to know what he's feeling? I can't fix it if I don't even know what's broken. 

"Oh come on, Yeollie. You know no one else can put up with my shit" I laugh shortly and gratefully everyone else seems to get the hint and laughs, attempting to make the situation lighter.

Chanyeol sighs and glances up, meeting my eyes "we should call it a night"

Everyone reluctantly agrees and we separate after a few more words, clearing out of the small cafe. I attempt to latch onto Yeol, so we can talk on the way home, but Kris beats me to it. He throws an arm around the giants shoulders and leads him down the street, talking intensely to my best friend.

I watch them get further and further away, staring after them a slight bit confused about what just happened.

>>>>>

I sigh, tapping away at my phone, slightly annoyed. Chanyeol just texted me, saying that he's sorry about what happened yesterday, and that he wants to talk when we get home.

The giant idiot ignored me all day today, always finding an excuse to slip out of a room as I enter it, or engaging in some interesting conversation with someone else before I can talk to him. It honestly pisses me off a bit, and now he wants to 'talk' when I get off. I feel nauseated by whiplashed emotions.

"Why the frown, sugar tits?" Luhan asks, wrapping his arms around my waist and placing his head on my shoulder.

I roll my eyes and turn off my phone "Yeol wants to talk when I get off"

"Why doesn't he just come here?" Luhan questions, "I'm sure your dad would give you some time to talk to his favorite son in law"

I narrow my eyes and pull out of Luhan's grasp "quit talking to Jiyong about me" I yell dramatically. The little shit and my brother have been getting close lately, and it's really irritating.

Luhan gives me this creepy smile, that kind of worries me about his mental stability "he has good stories about you, though"

My jaw tightens and I consider what the consequences of decking him would be for a second.

"Chanyeol doesn't come here" Sehun interjects, throwing an arm around Jongin, (i note the clench in Luhan's jaw for later blackmail) and points at me "he can't bare to see his little fairy princess forced to wear tight fitted clothing and shaking his ass for dirty old men, so Baekhyun just tells him not to come"

Luhan raises his eyebrow and gives me an odd expression "the giant idiot who I saw smack his own face the other day trying to kill a mosquito... that is the thing you're trying to impress?"

I roll my eyes "he's not that bad. Yes, he can basically be the personification of a meme, but he's sweet, funny, kind, and loyal to a fault. Chanyeol has always had this idea of me being a picturesque type of perfect and I don't want to break that for him. So I keep him away"

Luhan's eyes roll and he cocks a hip, I smirk at how painfully not straight this boy is. "But he already knows, right. He knows what all of you do, the cloths you wear here because I've never seen Jongin go home in street cloths, and even what kind of bar this is... like I don't think he's oblivious to any of this"

Yixing sighs, cutely drinking out of a milk carton, and pats Luhan's arm "ignorance is bliss in this case. He knows, but he acts like he doesn't. Baek can remain his innocent little duckling as long as he can hold on to Baekhyun being this small victim of circumstance."

"Victim of circumstance?" Luhan questions.

I take a deep breath and cross my arms. My friends had long ago psychoanalyzed my relationship with Yeol, and how he can overlook parts about my personality and behavior, and basically turn me into this innocent being that can do no wrong. I realized long ago how Yeol had all but isolated me into this bubble, but i just can't bring myself to break it.

"Basically Chanyeol has developed a pretty woman complex. He sees what Baek is doing, acting, etc and turns him into this helpless victim that just needs to be saved and taken care of, someone who's just doing the best they can and in no way is at fault for anything." Sehun explains, taking way too much pleasure in telling Luhan my struggles.

There's pity in luhan's eyes when I look into them next and I can't bring myself to be offended by it "why would you want someone to keep living under a delusion?"

I mentally hiss at how bad that one stung, but again, have to admit that he's right. However, I apparently hold no filter. "it's not a delusion, sweetie. Have you seen me. I'm perfect. Everything from my perfectly pressed hair, to my expertly done nails, and even my meticulously waxed legs is fucking perfect. Let's not even get started on my top notch personality"

"What the hell is he even saying?" Luhan asks, as I stop mid rant and look at my friends who are staring at me like I just pulled a rainbow out of my ass.

"Beats me. I'm his best friend and I don't even know" Yixing says, shaking his head and staring at me in concern.

"No one ever does" sehun says.

"Chanyeol would know" Jongin points out.

Sehun scoffs and crosses his arms. "Yeah but that's because those two have a weird ass telepathy bond thing going on. Baekhyun could fart and Chanyeol would be like 'oh my gosh, you're so right, Baek. Good point'"

Yixing snorts chocolate milk out of his nose, and I don't even have the fight in me to retort. I sigh deeply and turn around, heading towards the bar and ignore the calls of my name from behind me. I know it sounds crazy, I just don't know how to explain my feelings about this. It's kind of comfy up on this pedistool. 

>>>>>

~Chanyeol~

I should put some posters on my ceiling. It would really class things up. Plus, it would give me a place to look at right now, instead of just staring at the blank emptiness of eggshell white I've been fixated on for that past hour or so.

Even my homework that I really should be doing right now, isn't pulling me away from my self induced torture. I hate the way I spoke to Baekhyun yesterday, even if he just passed it off as a joke as usual, I could tell it got to him. His eyes told me everything I needed to know. I hurt my best friend and I don't really know how to deal with how much that effects me.

Releasing a sigh, I raise my arm and drape it over my eyes, not caring to see the almost mocking white ceiling anymore.

Just when I think it might be a good idea to roll over and attempt a nap, small fingers brush over my throat. I hum at the comforting gesture and lift my arm. 

Wide, but warm eyes greet me, along with a ghost of a smile on the small man's lips.

"Are you going to sit in here and berate yourself all day?" Kyungsoo asks, giving me a small pitying look.

I take a deep breath and wordlessly scoot over. Kyungsoo takes the cue and lays down next to me, curling into my side, and joining me in my misery.

Minutes pass, as we both stare at the ceiling. The emptiness in the silence expressing my feelings over the situation. Though this has never been an uncomfortable thing for us, for some reason this silence feels suffocating.

"Everything used to be so much simpler when we were kids" I state, lifting my arm palm up, towards the ceiling.

Kyungsoo sighs and reaches up, grabbing my arm and pulling it down, lacing our fingers together "well, considering we didn't have complete development or understanding of what things actually meant, we were... basically ignorantly blissful"

I hum in agreement "I use to be his whole world, Soo. Baekhyun and I were everything to each other. We were all we needed and were happy about that. I never had to deal with petty feelings like jealousy and insecurity. It's so selfish to want all of his attention and love, but I just can't help wanting to go back to that time when I was the only thing in his world that mattered."

"Why do you think you're not? You may not be the only thing that matters, but maybe you're the most important." Kyungsoo suggests.

I shake my head "that's the thing, Soo. Since high school, it seems like Baekhyun's been going a hundred miles an hour. Joining clubs, making friends, getting honors, and just flourishing as a person... but me... I'm just here. I've always just been Baekhyun's best friend. He has so many things going on his life, and I just... I don't know where I stand."

"But, Chanyeol, what you're missing is, that through all of that change, he's remained right by your side. Even with everything he had on his plate in high school, he still made time for your stupid movie nights, and always tried to include you in almost everything he did. Yeol, Baek graduated at the top of our class and still made time for you... how could you say that you're not one of the most important things to him?"

I consider this for a second. Soo kind of has a point. I remember the weekends spent together, (beside the fact that he had homework) him dragging me to school functions, he even made me join a few of the clubs that actually helped me in my college applications. Even through how busy my best friend was in high school, I never really felt neglected or that Baekhyun was pulling away from me. Just that he was no longer mine.

"Is it selfish to say that I just don't like sharing him?" I ask, glancing sideways, and wincing at how pathetic is sounds out loud.

Soo rolls his eyes "yes, it is. He's not a toy, Yeol"

"I really fucked up, didn't I?" I question, already knowing the answer.

Kyungsoo smirks and nods "yes, you hurt your best friend and Jongin, which I'm still kind of pissed at you for"

I give Soo an apologetic look and squeeze his hand "I'm sorry. I seriously have nothing against Jongin. It's just, everytime I see him around Baekhyun, my blood just boils. I don't like the two of them hanging out"

"You're saying that Baekhyun is too good for Jongin?" Kyungsoo asks.

I swallow thickly "it's not that... I just know how Jongin is... Baekhyun is very impressionable and I don't want him going down a bad path or getting hurt. Even you have to admit that Jongin has done some damage to some hearts in his lifetime"

Kyungsoo bites at his lip and a dark look crosses his eyes "I'm aware, but I also know the kind of person Jongin is. He doesn't mean to do those things."

"But he still does them. No matter the reason, he could still potentially hurt my best friend, and that just sends my protective instincts into overdrive. I need Baekhyun to remain safe, and secure. He needs to not get distracted and I know he's better than being that type of person everyone makes him out to be. I'm not blind to the rumors, Soo, but I refuse to let them define the real person under them."

Kyungsoo sighs and shakes his head, his expression the kind he uses when there's something he knows but doesn't want to tell me. Soo's always been a private person, but he's never hidden information without a reason. I just hate to think that theirs something I don't know about my best friend.

"what?" I ask, turning over on my side to look him in the eyes.

Kyungsoo says silent for a beat, seeming to argue with himself, before taking a deep breath and fixing me with a definite stare "you need to pull Baekhyun off of his pedastool before you know anything else. You need to accept the truth or reality of your best friend first. I can't tell you anything that you'll believe or trust me on, because Baekhyun is a king in your eyes."

"What does that mean, Soo? I don't put Baekhyun up on a pedestal. I don't seem him as someone who can do no wrong and is always right" I argue.

"No, but you constantly hold him to a degree that he can't possibly live up to. Chanyeol, you're best friend is a human, and sometimes we work perceptions of people up in our heads that they just can't reach. Baekhyun isn't that perfect little kid you grew up with. He's not your innocent Baekkie anymore, and you trying to push that image of him you have in your head on the one outside of it, is honestly really shitty. Baekhyun's far from innocent, and trust me, does just fine protecting himself... the only thing he has no defenses against is you, Yeol." Kyungsoo explains.

I roll my eyes "my best friend doesn't have to defend himself against me"

"He doesn't? Yeol, I've seen Baek backed into a corner a few times, and in all of them, his eyes looked like they did last night." Kyungsoo gives me a pointed expression, before adding "you keep talking about how Baekhyun has changed and that he's pulling away from you, but, Chanyeol have you tried to understand why he's changed the way he has, or told him that you want him by your side? I know you love him, but which version? The young boy you first fell in love with, the boy with stars in his eyes, and naive about the world, or the Baekhyun today who's rebuilt himself from the things he's learned and experienced?"

I mull over this for a beat. I try to make sense of Kyungsoo's point, but I fail to see it. I haven't kept this perfect image of my best friend, while the real ones changed. No matter how Baekhyun has grown or adapted, my perception of him has remained in synch. I have never thought more of Baekhyun than what he actually is, I just see sides of him, parts of him that others can't. Anyone would love the Baekhyun behind the sass, eyeliner, and impossibly tight jeans. My Baekhyun is actually an intensely intelligent, funny, and kind person. My Baekhyun isn't perfect because he does no wrong, he's perfect because I love everything about him, he's perfect because he fits all of missing parts and holds my pieces together. 

"Maybe he is up on a pedestal, but he's not up there because I think he's something he's not... he's up there's because I know the man he can be" I say, squeezing Kyungsoo's hand.

Silence fills the room once again, and this time it's back to its comfortable familiarity. When I finally lift my eyes I hadn't realized I dropped, I find Kyungsoo staring at me with a level of understanding i haven't known he could hold, and it hits me that of all the people who can understand placing someone everyone else sees as flawed and damaged up on the highest of pedestals. They might not be what everyone else sees as worthy, but to us, they are the most magnificent masterpieces the universe has placed on this earth.

>>>>>

"Hey" Baekhyun says, his arms crossed, as he leans against my doorframe.

My throat feels thick, and I can't seem to squeak out anything more than "hey" as a reply. 

Baekhyun stands before me, covered in glitter, his hair messily mussed, and his uniform shorts still on. Usually he changes before coming home, because he gets cold easily. Tonight however, that's clearly not a concern.

My best friend seems to notice my obvious staring and attempts to yank the short material further down his thighs. An embarrassed and slightly ashamed expression crosses his eyes and I hate myself for putting it there. Baekhyun should never feel like he has to hide himself from me.

I take a deep composing breath and fix my hoodie sleeve nervously "I'm sorry, about yesterday, Baek. That was a dick thing to say"

Baekhyun's eyes soften in a way that tells me he wants to forgive me immediately, but I know I don't deserve it.

"Did you mean it, though? Do you feel like I haven't been a good friend lately?" Baek asks, his uncertainty giving away his true emotions. 

I really hurt him by what I said, and that just brings on a whole new round of feeling like an asshole. But I can't bring myself to say that I wasn't being true about how I felt. I love Baekhyun, but I just don't know how he feels anymore. I just don't feel like a main priority, as pathetic as that sounds.

"It's not that you haven't been a good friend... I just... I guess we just haven't made time to spend together lately and I miss you" I say, avoiding eye contact. I've never been good about expressing my deeper feeling.

Baekhyun's eyes shine and he's across the room in seconds, pulling me against his chest and wrapping his arms around me. Warmth radiates from his naked body and I can't help the want to just surround myself in it like a blanket. His bare skin feels so good pressed against my cheek, and I risk nuzzling into it, feeling the soft, but firm texture of it.

Baekhyun runs his fingers through my hair and rubs his other hand across my shoulders "you should have just said something, Yeol. Must I always remind you that I can't read your mind" he chuckles and squeezes me tightly "you're not him, Yeollie. You don't need to hide yourself away from the world"

My chest tightens at those words and I turn my head, burying my face in his chest, breathing in the comforting, and intoxicating smell that is my best friend. I bring my arms up and secure them around his waist, holding him tight against me.

I know he's right. I need to be more forthcoming with emotions, with my feelings. Baekhyun deserves to know where he stands with one of the most important people in his life. I may not know why, but I know I'm high up on Baekhyun's list for people he cares about, and a part of me feels like I need to live up to that. 

I nuzzle further against Baekhyun's chest, dizzy with delirium on how good it feels. My nails dig into Baekhyun's hips, as I pull him between my legs and press my lips flat against his skin. My lips separate instinctually and I proceeded to place a small little kiss, followed by a playful nip to the skin. It feels so good, I just want to litter my best friend's body with kisses and bite marks. Finally claim him as my own.

"Yeol" Baekhyun's breathless voice snaps me out of my subconscious actions and forces me to realize what I was just doing. 

I yank away, finding Baekhyun's wide, blown eyes staring down at me. I release him from my grasp and sit back further on my bed. Baekhyun blinks and seems just as shellshocked as I feel. 

My eyes travel down to his chest and lock onto the small red mark resting there. Baeks always had sensitive skin, marking so easily at the slightest scratch or hit, but I didn't even think of the possibility of what could happen with love marks.

I shake that out of my mind, glad I'm wearing my large oversized university hoodie, that's currently covering my growing problem. Baekhyun continues to stand between my legs (which isn't helping), for a second, before turning around quickly and wordlessly walking to my door.

"Um" he says, stoping and glancing over his shoulder "I'll see you for movie night tomorrow, right?"

I swallow the thick lump in my throat and try my best to make it look like I wasn't just staring at my best friends ass. 

"Of course, Baekkie. 80s American movie?" I ask, glad he's choosing to act like that didn't just happen.

Baekhyun nods and smiles, before walking out of my room and shutting the door. I wait to hear the definite sound of the latch, before sighing in relief and immediately standing up, yanking my pants down to my knees.

When I wrap my hand around my achingly hard length, I can't help the deep moan that spills out of my mouth. Images of Baekhyun in those tiny shorts, the feeling of his naked body pressed against my face, the intoxicating smell and warmth of him, supply me with all of the material I need to spill all over my fist in a matter of seconds.

This isn't the first time I've masturbated to thoughts or images of my best friend. Being the naturally touchy and open person he is, I'm no stranger to random boners popping up because of the man. I've long lost the guilt I used to feel about it, but it seems to creep back up as I stare at the substance covering my hands and now soiled hoodie. 

I just basically gave my best friend an unwelcome and unapproved of hicky and jerked off to it. I hate myself for a good minute and a half, before getting up and sensibly cleaning myself up, then changing.

Homework forgotten, I climb into bed, and flop onto my stomach. I grab my pillow and nuzzle into it, hating the fact that it's not soft, warm, and doesn't smell of my best friend.

>>>>>

~Baekhyun~

I blink ahead of me, kind of bewildered at what just happened. I glance down at the small mark on my sternum, and take in a deep stuttered breath. I can't believe Yeol just did that, and by the look of it, neither could he. What could this mean? Could Chanyeol possibly be coming around to his feelings about me? Could he possibly be accepting how he feels about me?

My heart pounds of the possibility that my best friend is finally starting to accept that he's in love with me, and I turn around, reaching out towards the doorknob. If this is really what's happening, then we need to talk, we need to sort things out. Maybe I can finally help him come around to everything that's been stopping him from the begging. Maybe all he needs is a final push.

I'm stopped short however by a deep, kneeweakening moan. My eyes widen and for a second I'm unsure of how to pull oxygen into my lungs. Is Yeol, touching himself?

I stand there for a few more beats, listening to the light panting, and moaning coming from inside the room, confirming my questions.

Holy fuck. 

I step away for a second, deciding that our conversation can wait. No matter how much I want him, I know we're nowhere near ready for that. Hell, it took this long for him to come to grips with how he feels.

I'm about to head back to Jongins room, when a loud, gravely form of my own name comes from inside the room. I have to grip the wall for support.

"Fuck" I curse under my breath and nearly run to Jongin's room.

"Out" I say, entering the room and finding Sehun and Jongin sitting on his bed, talking lightly.

Sehun takes one look at my face and appearance and doesn't need to be told twice.  He's up and out of the room in seconds, leaving me alone with the now smirking and smoky eyed boy on the bed. Kai.

"How may I be of service, Mr. Byun?"

>>>

"I'm so tired" I whine, plopping down on the couch with a fresh bowl of popcorn on my lap.

Chanyeol snorts and powers on the console "why? You usually sleep like to at least noon everyday"

I sigh, and pick up a popcorn piece "jongin has this thing where he wiggles and kicks in his sleep. He's kind of like a puppy, which is cute, but also makes it hard to sleep."

Silence stretches between us, and I mentally curse. It's been so awkward between us all day. Every time we'd run into each other in the house, we'd avoid eye contact and wouldn't know what to say. This is new territory for us, and honesty I just hate it. Yeol and I have never felt awkward around one another, we grew up like brothers, but there was a shift last night. I think we're both kind of lost today. 

I sigh and open my mouth, grasping at anything I can say to make the atmosphere lighter, when suddenly "Why don't you just room with me?" falls casually from Chanyeol's lips, that are suspiciously pulled into a tight line as he's pulling up the house Netflix account.

I swallow thickly at the idea of rooming with my best friend. Snuggled onto his small bed, close contact, in breathing distance... touching distance. Chanyeol glances sideways at me, his expression almost offended at my silence.

I laugh to ease the slightly tense atmosphere that has viciously popped up, and chew the large bite of popcorn I had just thrown in my mouth "because I'm comfortable with Jongin. His sleeping habits are annoying at times, but I'm content. Plus, your schedule and my own are different. That's why I suggested Jongin in the first place, because our schedules are practically identical. It's just easier"

Chanyeol chews on the inside of his lip, not really seeming to focus on the movie titles as he flips threw them. He acts like this when he's bothered or annoyed by something and I don't know exactly why the mood has suddenly switched, but clearly it has to do with the current roommate situation.

"Yeol... are you... are you upset that I'm rooming with Jongin?" I ask, a slight bit of my own annoyance filtering into my head.

It hits me abruptly. Chanyeol's mood swings have all been centered around Jongin. It started when I moved into Jongin room and it's seems to be worse when Jongin is in the room or even when he's brought up in a conversation. Somehow it seems that Jongin is a trigger for this behavior, and I really don't know how to feel about that.

Chanyeol stops browsing through movies and his body tenses, before he sighs and places the controller down on his thigh "yes, I am"

I blink at the man beside me and nudge him with my arm "come on, Yeol. Don't be mad that I didn't pick you. I didn't want to bother you with my sporadic schedule"

"It's not that" Chanyeol says in a deep, almost angry sounding voice "I just don't like the idea of you being in the room with... with that. Jongin isn't the type you need to be associated with"

My mind goes blank and for a second I don't feel like I'm actually in my body, but when I resurface, I realize what my best friend actually just said to me.

"And why type, are you referring to?" I ask, my tone taking on a higher pitch.

Chanyeol finally glances over at me and sighs "you know his type. The type of guy who only ever thinks about getting laid. Spends more time in other people's beds than his own, and uses sex as a way to deal with his mental instabilities. I've heard all about his whole Kai persona and that's just fucked up, without being a slu-"

"Shut the hell up, Yeol" I yell abruptly, cutting him short "just shut the fuck up"

I look directly into Chanyeol's wide, shocked and confused eyes, seeing the anger and the hurt there, and suddenly the shame and regret that I haven't felt since the minute I hooked up with Kai in the storage room catches up to me. Suddenly I feel like the slut I really am, which is something I never allow myself to feel. I've always been proud of my sexual prowess, of my body liberation, but right now, staring into the eyes of my best fiend I feel judged and ashamed of what I did. And more than anything I can't stand the feeling of Chanyeol being disappointed in me, of feeling like I've done something that he sees as wrong. A strong wave of self hate envelopes me and I slowly start to shut into myself.

I can't let Chanyeol see who... What I really am, I can't let him see the slut hiding under the mask of his best friend

"I know you two have been getting closer lately, and i know you feel protective over your friend, but I'm trying to warn you away, Baekhyun" he says, his voice rougher than before "you know how he sleeps around, he's constantly waking up in strangers beds, he might even have an ST..." He stops and glances away from me, noticing my angry glare set on him "...He's just not good enough for you, Baekkie"

I clench my jaw "what do you know about him? Have you actually tried to get to know him? It's easy to call him a slut because classifying him as a person is too fucking hard, right?"

"Baek, what's wrong with you? Why are you defending him?" Chanyeol asks with wide eyes from my outburst.

"Why are you judging him? Have you gotten to know him more than you think I have? No, you haven't even taken the time to know the person underneath all of the rumors and labels, because if you had, you'd see who he really is. Jongin is an amazing person. He's kind and funny, and yes a bit of a dork, but he's also a good friend" I shoot up off the couch, spinning around and placing my hands on my hips "and so what if he sleeps around, is there anything wrong with being sexually active? What's so damn condemnable about enjoying your body and the pleasure it can receive?" I stop and take a deep breath, shaking my head angrily "what if I was like him?"

"What do you mean?" Chanyeol asks, seeming completely off balance at my rant.

"What if I slept around? What if I woke up in strangers beds or hooked up with randoms just because they were nice to me?" I ask, feeling my heart rate accelerate in anticipation of his answer.

Chanyeol shakes his head "you're too good for that, Baek. That isn't you"

"Answer the fucking question, Chanyeol" I spit through gritted teeth.

Chanyeol sighs frustrated "I'd be pissed off. I'd feel hurt, and probably disgusted, you're worth so much more than that type of filth"

I pull in a shallow breath and step back as if I'd just been struck "fuck you, Park Chanyeol" I say, then turn around and walk from the room, ignoring the protests and calls of my name.

I walk down the hallway, already hearing Chanyeol starting to follow me, but pleading he doesn't catch up because I can already feel the promise of tears pooling in my eyes.

I sniffle and start to walk faster, trying to get anywhere but here, when suddenly I'm pulled to the side, into a room and forced against a wall. Nothing but darkness surrounds me and my abducter, as he holds a hand over my mouth, listening to the sounds outside the small room I was pulled into. I'm about to panic when that familiar sent of the boy fills my senses and I know exactly who my capt...savior is.

"Baek, come on, please come talk to me. I don't really know what just happened, but I want to talk this out" Chanyeol calls, and I can see his shadow from the crack under the door.

I hold my breath, then release it in relief when the shadows disappears and the sound of footsteps and my name goes with it. I let my head fall back against the wall and take in a deep breath.

"Did you mean all of those things you said?" He asks with a shy and unsure breath.

I sigh "yeah, Jongin. I meant them, you're a good guy, you just have a bad reputation"

I feel arms wrap around me and a head burrow into the crook of my neck "hyung, I don't think you're a slut"

I breath out a laugh "many people would disagree with you"

Jongin shakes his head "you know, Hyung, you're a person too, all of those things you said about me, they are true for you too... Chanyeol's just an idiot who really needs to take you down from that pedestal he's had you on since you were kids"

I sigh "i don't want to disappoint him, Jongin. Th-that was the first time I ever felt ashamed of myself. That was the first time I ever saw myself how everyone else must"

Jongin pulls back and wipes the tears off my cheeks I didn't know had fallen "no hyung, don't ever let anyone make you feel like less of a person. If he makes you feel like that, then he's clearly not worthy of all of the love you have to give and trust me, Baekkie hyung, you have so much love to give. You have one of the best hearts I've ever seen. And yeah, you're quirky and sometimes annoying, but you always mean well and try to help your friends" he leans forward and brushes his lips against mine in nothing but a friendly gesture of comfort "hyung, you are so much more than a label, don't let others define you or make you feel guilty and ashamed for your choices. It's your life, so don't let others run it"

A sob breaks through my lips and i close my eyes tightly "but I love him so much"

Jongin wraps his arms around me and rocks us back and forth "I know, but if he really loved you too, he would love you unconditionally"

I let Jongin comfort me, while I calm down. His words ringing loud and clear in my head. He's right, if Chanyeol really loved me, he'd love me no matter what I do or whom I do it with. Only making me realize that if Chanyeol knew the truth he'd leave me, he'd disappear from my life and I'd lose my best friend forever. Which is why Chanyeol can never love me as more than a friend, because his love only goes so far, it comes with conditions and rules. 

Chanyeol will never love me the way I love him, because no one can really love someone who exchanges their love to anyone who gives them a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to end on a sour note, but it has to be done for the plot development. You'll understand soon. I hope you enjoyed my random crack moments. They kind of just popped into my head and I was like "eh, why not throw it in to lighten the mood." 
> 
> I love you guys, seriously, all of my readers are really important to me. You support keeps me going some days.
> 
> Till next time, my darlings. KaiSoo is up next.


	21. Truth and Titans (Kaisoo)

~Kyungsoo~

The incessant ticking of the clock counts each second with painful accuracy, letting me know just how awkward this situation is with every timed metallic sound. Tao sits across from me, his spoon slowly picking up bites of cereal, while I attempt to make it seem like I'm not rushing through my eggs and toast. All of the other guys who had previously been in the kitchen with us, rushed away all at once to get to classes or their schedules on time. Leaving only the two of us, sitting in the same room, uncomfortably forced into each other's company. I'm pretty sure Tao has a class soon, too, but he's eating like he plans on being here all day.

Tao and I have never had a good relationship, and in all honesty I'm not sure I would even call it that. We have more of a silent agreement, a civil contract to tolerate one another. For the sake of the man we both care about, we make an effort to play nice. 

It's no secret though, that Tao and I do not particularly get along when the reason for our truce isn't present. Tao gets on my nerves, it's not a fact that I hide, and even in most cases, I tend to openly express my exasperation towards the catlike diva. We've seemed to just gained this type of understanding with one another when we first entered the fraternity together, and never felt the need to change it or fix it. 

Tao chews his cereal and releases a big sigh "when are you leaving?"

I nibble at my toast and avert my eyes. If it's one thing I hate more than social gatherings, it's small talk "tonight, after Yixing gets back from work. He wants to get a shift in since we'll be gone all weekend."

Tao nods, his thoughts seeming to overwhelm his facial features "are you going to see Kris before you leave? He has a full schedule today, but you know he'll be worried about you all weekend if you don't check in with him before you go."

"He'll be worried no matter wha..." I stop, unable to complete my thought and glance up, meeting Tao's intense gaze.

"You're important to Kris, Kyungsoo. We may not get along, but I respect how much you mean to my boyfriend" Tao explains, putting a little more force in his spoon, than he had before.

"We're just friends, Tao." I, for some odd reason, feel the need to clairify.

Tao takes a deep breath and finishes chewing a bite of cereal "you know, I was so jealous when we all rushed together. You, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and me. I thought I would immediately get an upper hand because my boyfriend was one of the top ranking officers in the house. When he chose you as his little brother, instead of me, I didn't talk to him for three days... did you know that?" 

I shake my head. I knew that Tao wasn't happy about it, and I even had conversations with Kris about whether or not is was the best idea. Kris had assured me though, that Tao would get over it and eventually come around, "it's better this way. Having Tao as my second would just be a huge conflict of interest." Kris had told me back then, and he was right. Things evened out and eventually normalized and I never questioned how Tao interpreted Kris and my relationship after that again, assuming that everything was fine. I didn't even perceive the possibility that I could have been wrong.

Tao glances up at me, his piercing eyes boring into my own "I came around to the idea about Kris and you being so close, understanding that Kris needed you in his life, and I hate to admit it, but you make him happy. Call me selfish for wanting to be the only one who makes Kris smile as brightly as he does when you walk into a room, but I carried a hatred towards you for a long time, Kyungsoo."

I blink at Tao, shocked by what just fell from his lips as simply as if he were commenting about the weather "I... I guess you had that right"

Tao chuckles bitterly, and a miserable look crosses his face "not really. I've made your life hell, Soo. At work I purposely push buttons and weak points that I know are going to set you off. To me, it felt like I was somehow getting some sort of retribution for how much my boyfriend loves you. I know that's a shitty and childish thing to do, but that's always how Kris and my relationship has been... we've never given each other the type of respect or trust that we should. We've always had that immature teenage relationship, that just failed to evolve, even as we did. Now we're two grown ass adults, trying to hold on to ideas that were created from overproduction of hormones and angst."

"You should just talk to each other" I say, feeling a kick of sympathy for both my friend and his boyfriend. It's not that their relationship is falling apart, its that there isn't much of one to begin with. Tao and Kris's relationship formed on the childish ideas of jealousy, obsession, and overbearing passion. Those types of ideals, the desperate need to be together no matter the cost and the dramatics of having the world trying to pry you apart at every turn, only exist in teenage romance novels. This is the real world, and though these concepts exist, they aren't practical in keeping two people together. Kris and Tao are still trying to hold onto their teenage romance, and it just doesn't fit or work for them anymore. "Your relationship isn't a bad one. It just needs a little work and communication"

"Baekhyun said-" I stop him mid sentence by holding up my hand.

"That's your fist mistake. Don't listen to Baekhyun. Don't ever listen to Baekhyun, especially about relationships." I say, giving Tao a pointed expression. Tao sports a small smile and I feel a spring of pride surge through me. I reach out and pat Tao's hand, in an attempt to comfort him "trust me. Talk to Kris, he's a lot more understanding than people give him credit for"

Tao nods, seemingly absentmindedly, to himself "I can see why Kris loves you so much, Kyungsoo." I give him a small, shy smile, before all blood drains from my body at what comes out of his mouth next "I'm sure if I hadn't have come along you two would have stayed together."

I nod on autopilot, and Tao seems to accept my silent confirmation. A sudden lump forms in my throat and suddenly my appetite has completely disappeared. One of the things I have always feared is Tao finding out about Kris and my relationship previous to their own, but sitting here, basically faced with an all but admittance that he knows. I'm not sure if I'm horrified or relived. Tao isn't across the table clawing my eyes own, or crying out his own, so does that mean he accepts the past?

"You're heart was broken because of me... the least I can do is be understanding of your relationship with Kris. He cares about you and I know you care about him, but I also know that's as far as it goes. I realized that at the end of last year. Kris had just bombed a test he had studied really hard. I tried to comfort him, but he wouldn't talk about it with me. I found him that night out on the porch, talking to you. I think I may have watched you two for over an hour, and I swear in that time, I watched all tension and anxiety drain from his body. I, though reluctantly, came to the conclusion that Kris needed you. He needs you in his life, and I've accepted that, Soo."

Instantly I feel a chain, I didn't know I had padlocked around my heart, break. I didn't know I was carrying so much guilt and weight on myself for my relationship with Kris. The relief that sweeps through me is almost euphoric, and I close my eyes and breath out a humbling breath. I hadn't realized how much I was holding on to.

"Why do you still mess with me? Why do you press my buttons if you've accepted all of this?" I ask, curious as to why he still pushes me if he came around to this a while ago.

Tao smirks lightly and swirls his spoon around his bowl "because it's fun to watch you go off. It's become my way of playing with you, now.... and honestly, I guess I'm not sure how to approach the idea of friendship, so that's my only way I can get close with you."

"You want to be my friend?" I ask, taken aback by all of Tao's revelations today.

Tao shrugs and looks back at his food "like I said, you're important to Kris and he needs you... I guess I figure that it will be easier to deal with, if you become important to me too."

My heart squeezes at this "why are you telling me all of this?"

Tao sighs and he looks like he wants anything, but to tell me what he's about to say "I guess a part of me just wants to air out the room and maybe make a sort of alliance between us. But another part of this comes from needing you to understand why I'm asking you for help. Something happened. I don't want to get into the details, but Kris is upset, and he hasn't talked to me since the incident. I want you to see him, not just because he'll worry if you leave without saying goodbye, but because... he needs you right now. He needs his best friend."

The words cut into me, as I digest what he's saying. Kris is hurt and he needs me. Tao is swallowing his pride over his concern for the man he loves and coming to his boyfriends past lover for help. That takes a lot of strength, and gives me so much hope that they'll work this out. When two people are able to put each other first in a relationship, that's when love flourishes and survives, even through the darkest of times.

I jump down off of my stool and clean up the ruminants of my meal without even thinking. I stop just before I leave the room, and turn to Tao, finally noticing the dejected way he's holding himself. 

"You're important to Kris too, Tao. Do you think I would have let him leave if I didn't think he could have lived without you?" I say, attempting to mend whatever negative thoughts might be floating around in the boys head.

Tao's shoulders tense, but he doesn't comment and I don't feel the need to press the issue further. Kris and Tao just need to work out their problems like adults, and they will in time, but right now I need to stitch up a bit of my best friends heart. After all, I've always been gifted at sewing.

>>>>

~Jongin~

"Damn it" I curse, crumpling the stapled papers into a tight, little ball and making a movement to throw it onto the ground, but stop just before I do so. I sigh and un-ball the paper, attempting to smooth out every wrinkle. 

I stare at the bright red mark on the top of the quiz, mocking me. Even I'm surprised at this score. A new low for me, academically and mentally. I curse myself for not getting help on studying for this. Since our little fight in the mediocre coffee shop, Kyungsoo and I haven't even talked. The smaller, upperclassmen will barely even look at me, so I haven't been attending our little tutoring sessions. I was beginning to rely on those sessions. They were the only thing getting me through this damn class, and clearly if I don't swallow my pride, I won't be passing any time soon.

"You look your mom just took away your dolls again" my best friends voice taunts me without hesitation.

"They're... they're action figures" I say, my tone not even trying to sound passionate about my collectibles.

Sehun chuckles, and pulls the wrinkled papers out of my hands, giving it a glance before wincing "you knew there was a quiz, right?"

I nod a bit pathetically "we had a whole week to prepare. It's supposed to give us insight towards what to expect for the exam"

Sehun winces once again and hands the paper back, giving me a sympathetic look that says everything I already know. I'm so screwed.

......

I hesitate outside the door, my pride squished under my foot nice and tight. I hate pushing it down, but I hate the prospect of failing even more. I may not pay much of a mind to what others think about me, but when it comes to my parents, the idea of disappointing them terrifies me. My mom and step dad have done so much for me, and I feel this overwhelming need to pay them back in some way.

That's what brings me here, swallowing more than just the bile resting in the back of my throat. I know Soo is on the other side of this door, and having not seen the man properly in over a week, has my heart pounding. I can't tell if I'm more excited or terrified. I've missed the smaller man. I had grown used to seeing Soo every night coming home from the club, or finding him waiting for me in the den every day after my last class for our tutoring sessions. I had come accustom to Kyungsoo being a regular piece in my life without even second guessing. He just fit so naturally, I didn't even notice it was happening.

The door is slightly ajar, so I push it open and peek inside. I freeze at the scene in front of me. Kyungsoo sits in his desk chair, with his back to me, and facing his bed. Kris sits on Soo's bed, facing me, his head lowered, and his forehead close to Soo's, while their hands are clasped within each other's. They don't seem to notice me, just continue to lowly talk to each other, and finally I acknowledge the tension in Kris' shoulders, the way his face is slightly crumpled into a painful expression, and the abrupt catch in his voice. 

My eyes widen as I realize that I might have just walked in on a intensely emotional situation, and that this isn't any of my business. I may not like Kris too much, but I recognize a heart to heart when I see one. I don't belong here and I definitely don't have any right to infringe on such a private moment. 

I start to back out of Soo's room slowly, when the sound of my name pierces the silence of the room, forcing me to cringe and stop. I look up to find Kris looking at me with alerted, and confused eyes, while Soo has now turned in my direction. Our eyes lock and I get lost in Kyungsoo's large, deep, and questioning eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I just wanted to talk to Soo for a bit. Don't mind me, carry on." I attempt to sneak out of the room, but Kyungsoo stops me.

"What did you want to talk about?" He asks, his expression becoming guarded almost instantly and a wave of self loathing washes over me.

I did that. I made Soo put up his walls between us. I hurt him to the point where I lost his trust, and I don't even know what to do to fix that, or even if I want to. Maybe it's better this way. It'll be easier for him to move on if he hates me. My heart clenches painfully at that thought, and I can't help but hang my head. This is what I wanted, so why does every bit of my being protest it?

"It's not that important" I say, moving my hand around a bit "we can talk later" I continue in my back track, but suddenly Soo wheels back in his chair, and stops right in front of me, halting my progress.

I yelp slightly and jump, when Kyungsoo suddenly rips the paper I had forgotten about, out of my hands. Dread instantly fills me as I watch Kyungsoo's face go from thoughtful to disappointed in seconds.

"You failed the quiz and you think it's not important" kyungsoo's tone chastises me.

I pick at the hem of my shirt and lower my head, finding a particular spot on the floor to focus on, instead of the burning shame filling my chest.

"I just... I've had a lot on my mind this week and I told you that this was my hardest subject" I mumble out excuses, despite knowing it's not enough for Kyungsoo. 

That's one of the things I admire most about Kyungsoo. He doesn't take shit or excuses. You either do or you don't. Kyungsoo isn't the type to hold your hand and baby you when it comes to something like this.

Kyungsoo sighs deeply "the exam is next week, I suggest we start now if you want to pass it"

My head shoots up, ready to dismiss his suggestion, because clearly his attention is needed elsewhere right now. Kris beats me too it and stands, placing a hand on Kyungsoo's shoulder. An uncomfortable stirring feeling churns through my stomach and I shove down the need to push the man away from Soo.

"That's my queue to leave. I'll take to heart what you said, Soo. And good luck with studying, Jongin" Kris says, his smile kind, but refusing to touch his eyes.

I briefly wonder if things have gotten worse with him and Tao, but push it away when the door closes and I'm left alone with the man currently glaring at me from his desk chair.

......

"So, wait... it was this simple the whole time?" I ask in disbelief, staring at the page Kyungsoo just finished writing on. He had broken down the concepts I wasn't getting and made them so easy, I kind of feel like an idiot.

"It's amazing what happened when you study, right?" Kyungsoo says with mock excitement.

I pout at him and sit back against my chair "I did study, Hyung. I swear, I did. I just didn't get it, no matter how long I stared at the book and my notes."

Kyungsoo sighs "you shouldn't have stopped coming to me for tutoring"

Shoving my hands between my pressed thighs, I take a deep breath "I didn't want to make things harder on you."

Kyungsoo sighs and shuffles the paper around on his desk " I'm fine, Jongin. But you won't be if you fail this class. Let's just continue with the tutoring sessions as normal."

I glance up and find Soo staring a me, but with a softer look than before. His large eyes sparkle at me, shining with understanding and sympathy. I have to look away from them, for fear that I might drowned. My eyes land on his lips, the slight heart shaped curve to them. The dusty dark pink color, a bright stain against his milky toned skin. They're so plump, and soft looking. 

"Jongin" Kyungsoo breathless whisper snaps me out of the spell his enchanting lips had trapped me under.

Abruptly, I pull back, realizing I had been subconsciously leaning closer and closer to Soo. "Sorry" I mutter, not even attempting to brush my actions aside. 

Soo sighs once again, something he's been doing this whole session. Every time I'd lean too close, and pull back quickly. Everytime we would touch accidentally, and I'd yank my hand away. And even when I'd get excited over understanding a certain thing, or getting a question right, then chastise myself for acting so comfortable and return to a neutral state. Kyungsoo sighs. His disappointment clear at my cautious behavior. I know he's annoyed that I keep acting like this, but I just can't allow myself to act normally, or at least, how I used to around him. I don't want to cross over that line again, because if I do... I might end up hurting him again.

"I'm sorry" I mumble.

"Jongin, please quit apologizing." Another short sigh, followed by the ruffling of papers. "I know you're trying to keep yourself in check. Overanalyzing every little movement, touch, and word I make, but this is just what it is. You suck at English, and I excel at it. You need help and I'm giving it. Don't read any further than that."

For some reason, those words hit my stomach like a lead bullet. In part, I know he's right, but another part was kind of hoping that he wanted more. It's so ridiculous to want the man I've been pushing away to keep fighting. It's almost crazy to want it, but I still do. This realization damn near slaps me across the face. I want Soo to fight for me. No ones ever tried before, and the deepest parts of me, the part where all of my selfishness and need hides, craves it from this man beside me.

"I miss you" i admit, sounding pathetic, and I regret saying it almost instantly. 

Kyungsoo sits still, too still. His body seeming to refuse to accept my admittance. Finally after what feels like an eternity, Kyungsoo swivels his chair towards me, and breathes out a frustrated breath.

"Jongin, why are you doing this? I told you where i stand and you told me where you stand and i thought we were in mutual agreement that it was in different places. I can't handle this whiplash, Jongin. Either you want this or you don't. Either you want me, or you don't. It's that simple. I can't keep playing this back and forth anymore. I won't wait around for someone to choose me again, it was hard enough the first time. Quit making excuses, if you really care about me, if you really want this, then do something about it."

I swallow thickly at the brutally honest words. I know I've pushed Kyungsoo into a corner, and i deserve his retaliation, but that doesn't mean the lashes hurt any less "Soo... i want... yes, i... but i can't..." i butcher an explanation, but he seems to get my point.

"Jongin, cut the bullshit. I know i'm being harsh right now, but you need to quit hiding and have the balls to stand up to your inner demons. We all have something inside of us we have to fight daily, but if I'm not worth fighting for to you, then I don't want to be anything at all" Kyungsoo says, his face hardening into a mask that i have no way of seeing through.

I reach forward to grab Kyungsoo's arm, but stop just before contact "of course you're worth fighting for, Soo."

"Yeah, it really feels like it, Jongin." he bites, and i can't help the wince i make, forcing regret to dance through his eyes. Another sigh. "Look, You can't spend your whole life terrified of your own shadow, because all you'll ever see is shadows wherever you go. We all have our demons, and we all fight battles inside of ourselves everyday. There are days where it's literally painful to drag myself out of bed, but i do, because i refuse to let myself lose. I refuse to let my life be controlled by anything but my own free will. You are your own person, Jongin. Act like it" he says, raising his voice slightly at the end.

I lower my head, looking away, knowing his words hold volumes of truth. He's not saying anything i don't know. It's been a long time coming. I've needed to stand up to Kai for a long time now, but I've just been too scared to fight on my own... but maybe... maybe i don't have to.

I glance up to find Kyungsoo's scrutinizing eyes. It seems like he's trying to analyze my every movement, looking for something... but what? Horror fills my head at the very possibility of the explanation that crosses my thoughts. No. Could he be..? But why, why would anyone want that?

I open my mouth to ask, my lips trembling at the weight of the question, but it doesn't even get the chance to vibrate my vocal cords.

"Is everything alright?" Kris asks, popping suddenly into the room. His eyes roam over us, seeming to look for physical damage, like we were in here throwing fists.

Kyungsoo closes his eyes briefly, pinching at the bridge of his nose and releases a tired sounding breath. "Everything's fine. We were just talking"

Kris rests his eyes on Kyungsoo a little too long, and inches his way into the room further "if you want, I can finish with his tutoring. I mean, I do speak English fluently, so..."

Kyungsoo glances up at Kris and gives him a tight, but reassuring smile "it's alight, we're done here anyways."

The taller man appears to accept this, and hesitantly exits. Kyungsoo fixes me with a definite look and turns back to his desk, closing books and handing me the notebook we had been working out of. I accept it without argument and quietly make my way towards the door. My head hung low, like a puppy who just got popped on the nose for eating a shoe.

"Jongin" Kyungsoo calls, forcing my head to shoot up and over to his direction. Kyungsoo's back remains toward me, not even bothering to look up from his desk.

"Think about what I said. I won't wait around forever. I won't leave the corner just to be kept in another" Kyungsoo says, his deep voice expressing emotions that clearly don't need to be said aloud.

I nod, despite the older boy not being able to see me. We both know I understand the full weight of his words.

I don't get to dwell on this for any length of time, however. As soon as I close the door, I'm pushed against the wall outside of Soo's room. My wide eyes stare up into the hard, and slightly angry looking ones of none other than our house president.

"Kris?" I ask, startled by the taller man looming over me.

"Jongin, what the fuck do you think you're doing?" Kris asks, his voice damn near a hiss.

"I-I... what do you mean?" I question, shrinking back more, wishing the wall would just swallow me whole already.

Kris narrows his eyes and slams his hand on the wall beside my head, forcing me to flinch and yelp slightly "quit fucking with Kyungsoo. He's not a plaything you can toy around with. Leave your games to the sluts you hop in and out of bed with. Soo's too good for you."

My chests pulses with the low blow, and I immediately want to drop into the fetal position, but I don't. I haven't given anyone the satisfaction of that kind of humility in a long time. Just in time, that prickling sensation at the back of my head starts up. I breath out, gratefully. It isn't very often that I welcome Kai, but this time it almost feels like a comforting embrace, pulling me back to safety.

I stand up straight and lock my gaze into his own, causing his eyes to shutter in intimidation. It almost makes me giddy watching Kris, always such and strong and controlled man, wavering in his stance. 

"You have no right to stand here and say such things. Any credibility you have dissipated when you shattered his heart to pieces. Protecting something you crushed?" I laugh darkly, almost challengingly "don't be ridiculous, Kris."

Kris looks horrified, his eyes wide, and there's a slight tremble to his lower lip. He glances around, almost like a paranoid drug dealer. "I don't know what you're talking about"

I laugh, deep and condescendingly "sure you don't. Just keep your business where it belongs, Kris. Maybe Tao wouldn't be fucking around with someone else if you knew where your place was."

Kris fumes, his nostrils flaring, his face inches from mine. Finally, someone's ready to put their actions up with their words. I'm tired of pussy ass bitches who can't stand behind their mouths. 

"Okay, that's my queue" that annoying voice I've come to associate with a tiny dog repeatedly barking in your ear, interjects. "That's enough, guys"

Kris looks like he wants to protest, but there's a sort of fond softness that enters his eyes when they land on Sehun. My lip curls up at that. How can you be so fucking soft for someone you don't even get head from regularly. A voice in the back of my head warns me, scolds me over thinking such things about our supposed best friend, but i push it away. I focus back on the matter in front of me, looking between the two men who seem to be communicating telepathically. 

Finally, after what feels like way too fucking long, Kris steps back and nods. He gives me one last sneer, then walks away wordlessly.

Sehun's eyes burrow into my own, and i just give him a lazy smirk. Sehun's eyebrows knit and he just shakes his head. "of all the fucking places, Jongin. Seriously? Here?"

I roll my eyes "did you hear the shit he said to me?"

"Yeah, i did. You both were out of fucking line. He had no right to say those things, but you also were in the wrong. How you could say something like that? To Kris, Jongin? You know how much he loves Tao, and you know Tao would never do anything like that."

I shrug "you never know. Tao could have gotten board, and decided to see just how green the grass is on the other side of monogamy." i snort at my own joke, and give Sehun an expectant look.

Sehun locks his jaw, and stares at me with intensely angry eyes "the only reason i'm not kicking your ass is because i know it'll end up hurting Jongin in the long run."

"Go ahead. Fight me, bitch" i challenge.

Sehun crosses his arms and shakes his head, before reaching out and grabbing my shirt, pulling me down the hallway "come on, idiot"

"Where are we going?" i ask, already bored with this.

Sehun yanks my shirt a little too forcefully, making me stumble slightly in my steps. The little fucker. "To put your titan ass in timeout. I'm going to let you pull yourself out this time."

I roll my eyes again, but follow nonetheless. Sehun's a lot less annoying when you just give him what he wants. As we make our way down the hall, we pass a door. A door that Jongin has memorized almost as well as his own. A door that Jongin never fails to glance at every time he passes it in the hall. A door that's currently sitting slightly ajar, when i could have sworn Jongin had closed it on his way out.

>>>>

~Kyungsoo~

A slight creaking sound echoes through my room, as my door is pushed open the rest of the way. Baekhyun stands there, already leaning against my door frame. He waits until i meet his eyes, to lift an eyebrow.

I chuckle humorlessly "you heard that too, huh?"

Baekhyun sighs, and nods lightly "so... Kris then?"

I close my eyes tightly. This is definitely not something i wanted anyone to find out about, let alone in this way. Apparently this is the day our dirty little secret wants to emerge from the shadows. I guess it's true that nothing can stay hidden forever. The truth always finds a way to the surface.

"It was back in high school. It was just a fling. It meant nothing." i explain quickly, attempting to dismiss this subject matter.

Baekhyun tilts his head and scoffs mockingly "i remember back in high school, Chanyeol had camped out at your house for over two weeks because you wouldn't even get out of bed. Now that I think about it, it was around the time that Kris and Tao officially came out as a couple. He left you for Tao, didn't he?" Baekhyun takes my silence as confirmation "that's not exactly nothing, Soo. I never asked about what was going on because it wasn't my place, but that kind of clears some things up."

I release another sigh. It feels like i have an overabundance of them today. "Who else heard?"

Baekhyun gives me a sympathetic expression "It was just Sehun and me, plus the two idiots fighting. Everyone else is off doing other things. Don't worry, i think Sehun kind of already knew, and I promise I won't say anything."

I nod at him in thanks and lean back in my chair. This is all just becoming too much for me. Maybe i need this weekend after all.

"So, besides the obvious, what went wrong? With Kris and you, i mean." Baekhyun asks.

Normally, i'd tell him to fuck off, or mind his own business, but for some reason the truth just seems easier than an attempt at privacy.

"I have way too high of standards." i joke cynically "i expect too much out of people and when they don't live up to my conjectures, i get my heart broken. I have extremely high standards for anyone i date, but when I find someone who meets those, they never stick around. The bitch of a paradox where i fail to meet their standards. That's the main issue with high caliber men, they expect to find their equal and when they find out that you fall short, they look for someone better. I made the mistake once of hoping someone could overlook my faults... my shortcomings. I expected Kris to stay. I expected him to love me in return. I expected to be the first choice for once. But as usual expectations are just prequels to disappointment."

"There's nothing wrong with having expectations" Baekhyun inputs, giving me a look with a mixture of concern and almost bewilderment.

I chuckle, bemused "there is when no one can possibly live up to them. There hasn't been a single person yet who hasn't disappointed me. The problem is my standards. Maybe if I lower my regulations, I could meet someone who actually wants me. I should just lower my prospects and meet a nice guy, who i'm content with. It's wrong to expect things that normal people can't possibly give you."

Baekhyun's throaty, mocking laugh gains my attention, and i turn to him with eyebrows raised. Baekhyun rolls his eyes, and holds his hand up in defense. "Listen, Soo. Everyone has a checklist. Every single person that you'll ever meet has this imaginary catalog that's constantly being used to evaluate anyone they come into contact with. Personality, financial, mental, and yes, also attractive qualities: height, weight, and sometimes it's even down to the exact details, like eye or hair color are taken into account. If someone tells you that they don't see physical traits, call bullshit. It's science, basic biology that our internal wiring is set to notice. Every physical characteristic that you find attractive, are there for a reason. Our hard drive is set to evaluate everyone we come in contact with as a potential mate. Everyone, and i repeat everyone is appraised by this prospectus that exists in our heads, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having those standards, Soo. There is nothing wrong with having expectations and wanting someone you meet, whom you are physically attracted to, to live up to them."

I take Baekhyun's words in stride, knowing there's a deep wisdom in them, but unable to truly allow myself to accept them. My whole life I've been exposed to the shitstorm that is my generations way of thinking. Expectations and standards are oppressive when it comes to a relationship, or even when it comes to dating. Assuming a list of qualities onto someone just isn't fair.

"But that checklist holds us back, Baekhyun. That outline keeps us from meeting really amazing people because we scratch them off at the surface. These imaginary expectations are just barriers that keep us from finding someone truly great, who doesn't necessarily meet all of our points." I explain, knowing how hard it is meeting someone who meets all of your standards... especially after you've already met someone who you basically based your list off of in the first place.

Baekhyun pushes himself off of my door frame and walks into my room, an almost sad look in his eyes. It's extremely rare to see Baekhyun like this. Raw, down to the bone. The real person behind his normal high-strung personality. Bare emotion Baekhyun kind of scars me, but i can't seem to look away, because it's just as equally fascinating. 

"That's not finding someone amazing, Kyungsoo, that's settling. When someone doesn't mark off all of your qualities that are on your own list, and you convince yourself that you can live without them... that's not love, that's desperation. The desire to not be alone is a strong one. Loneliness is the biggest killer of real, meaningful love. It blinds us, refuses to let us see the actual possibilities and forces us to settle for instant gratification."

"So what do i do?" i ask, feeling like this conversation has no upside "What if my checklist isn't met by another person? What if i settle, just because i'm tired of being alone?"

Baekhyun reaches the large window on the far side of my room and stares out of it. I swear if dramatic, sad music was playing and it was raining, it would be the picturesque scene from an angsty teenage drama. "Sometimes we are our own biggest saboteurs. Sometimes we work up this idea in our heads, that we can't possibly get the person that meets our requirements, because how in the hell do we obtain such a perfect person? How do we secure such an ideal being?" Baekhyun glances over his shoulder at me and gives me one of the most heartbreaking smiles I've ever seen. The sadness in his eyes is almost overwhelming and makes me want to tear up "The ideal perfect person doesn't exist, Soo. This grand concept of the all around consummate being isn't real. Perfection is perspective. That almighty checklist is your own version of perfect, and just because someone meets those standards, doesn't meant you can't reach them. Perfection doesn't mean unobtainable, Kyungsoo."

I sit back in my desk chair, watching Baekhyun intently observing something outside. "So, what exactly is your point, Baek?" i ask softly, almost afraid that if i speak to loud, the boy in front of me, might break into pieces.

Baekhyun sighs deeply and lowers his head, closing his eyes tightly. I stare at his reflection in the window. Never once has Baekhyun and i been close before in the past, but something about the torn expression painted on his usually cheerful and carefree face, makes me want to comfort him. "You're perfect person is right in front of you. I know you've been burned before, but just because they left doesn't mean you fall short. Quit settling, and quit running. Fight for what you want before you lose it. Give them a chance, as well yourself."

Somehow, i don't think these words are just for me, but i don't comment on it. I think Baekhyun needed to tell himself these things just as much as i needed to hear them. 

The last time, i let the person i love walk out of my life as easy as wind blowing through the trees. I effortlessly let him go, because i believed that he would be happier with someone else. I just stood there and watched his back turn to me, because i felt that i didn't deserve someone who checked off my list so effortlessly. Life isn't about what you do and don't deserve, though. Life is about letting yourself be happy and living a full existence. Life is about waking up each day and living it like it's your last, treating each sunrise like it's a gift. But what is life without love? Without someone to share in that life? Someone to treat your existence as precious as it really is?

Life doesn't exist without love, nor should it. We aren't genetically programmed to be alone, and though love is just a chemical reaction to inspire us to bread, it feels so fucking amazing. Love is at the very core of our existence. Love drives us to create masterpieces, from the worlds most beautiful sonnet, to the most extraordinary painting, and even to life itself. Love is our driving force, and yes it can hurt sometimes, but that's how you know it was worth something. When your chest aches so bad, it shatters you at the seams, you know that you loved someone with everything inside of you. The knowledge that you gave all of yourself to something, to someone, and lived, felt, even dreamed. That's extraordinary. That's living. 

There's just one little problem "How do i start a battle with someone who's already fighting a war with themselves?" i ask, looking up to meet Baekhyun's eyes in the reflection of the window. 

He smiles softly at me, his face a mixture of understanding and sympathy "You show him that you can stand next to him. He doesn't need someone to fight his own battle, but show him that you can stand toe to toe with his enemy and remain on your feet. Show him that you're not this fragile porcelain doll that will get cracked at even the mention of his enemies name. Show him that you can take some hits, and even throw a few punches of your own, like the Satan Soo we all know and love."

My eyes instinctively narrow at the cursed nickname the boy gave me back in high school, causing Baekhyun to release a small laugh. That alone smothers any annoyance i had, glad to see a bit of the normal Baekhyun peeking through. 

Baekhyun stands up straight and turns away from the window, clearly forcing himself not to look back. He heads for my door, giving me a slight nod, but i stop him right before he reaches it. He stops and gives me glance  over his shoulder, a question dancing in his eyes.

"How well does Chanyeol check off your list?" i ask, needing to know exactly where Baekhyun stands with my best friend.

Baekhyun smiles in an adoring, but also in a melancholic type of way "Chanyeol created points that i didn't even know i wanted. I'll never be able to settle, because he is my idea of perfection. Chanyeol is my checklist."

A pleased smirk finds it's way to my lips and i nod at the man, which he returns and leaves me alone to my thoughts. In all of my years and accumulated knowledge, i never could have even foresaw that Baekhyun would be the person who would set me straight. But he has. Everything is slightly more clear than it was before, and i know what i need to do. I know where to start, but it'll have to wait.

I have other promises to attend to first, and i need to finish packing for that. I stand and make my way to my closet to pull out my mostly ready to go bags, when i catch something out the window. 

My chest aches a little at the scene in front of me. Chanyeol sits outside, his back resting against the cherry blossom tree in our backyard, with Minseok hyung's head resting on his lap. They look like they're having a deep conversation, and by the expression on Chanyeol's face, i can guess the subject matter. 

Turning my head in the direction of my door, i consider going after Baekhyun. I had managed to get Chanyeol's side of the story, but there's always two perspectives to everything. Worry seizes me. Chanyeol holds up his emotions a lot, but he doesn't really hide them. Baekhyun, however, hides all of the pain behind a quick smile and an easy laugh. He's never one to let anyone in on how he's truly feeling. Those two are so similar its scary sometimes, and stubbornness is no exclusion to that.

I sigh deeply and stare at the bags resting at my feet. Maybe i should have let Sehun go this weekend instead. I glance out the window again, and find a small smile dusting Chanyeol's lips as Minseok reaches up and ruffles his hair affectionately. The moment touches me, and i can't help but smile to myself. I'll leave a mental note to tell Jongdae or maybe even Tao to keep an eye on Baekhyun. Everyone will be alright until i get back... i hope.

>>>>>

~Jongin~

Opening my eyes slowly, I take in a deep breath, and watch the sun sparkle through the leaves above me. The gentle rustling sound, accompanied by the slight breeze, puts me into a blissful ease. 

I hum and adjust myself so I'm leaning on my forearms, then take a look around. I can easily recognize this place, from how many times Sehun's dragged me here.

"Ah, you're out. It took longer this time. Kris really pissed you off didn't he?" Sehun asks softly, almost absentmindedly, next to me.

I feel a sort of blood pulse rush through me at the mention of Kris' name. I push down the anger, though. Kai just let me go, and I seriously don't want to get pulled under again.

This is one of the things that Sehun figured out a while ago. Take me to a calm, quiet place, and Kai gets pretty bored, really fast. A lot of the time it depends on how worked up he is. He'll eventually let go, but sometimes I notice that he fights for control longer than he should. Sehun's the only person who's able to bring me back after Kai seizes control. 

"Kris brought Soo into things. That tends to be a trigger for him." I explain, sitting up fully. "Plus, I think I was a little worked up from my exchange with Kyungsoo beforehand. I think... i think there was a moment where Kyungsoo might have actually been trying to bring Kai out... but that's impossible, right? Kyungsoo can't handle Kai. He'd destroy the small bean."

Sehun continues to look ahead, as usual doesn't seem to be surprised by anything, as well as appearing to be a little lost in his own thoughts. It took me forever to realize that Sehun doesn't really miss much. He's always been way too perceptive for his own good. Hell, he's probably figured out every possible solution for every problem the house is currently facing. He won't say anything though, he's always preferred to let people work things out on their own.

My lips pull into a guilty grimace and I reach out to brush my fingers down Sehun's back "I'm sorry. I said some terrible things to Kris. I'll apologize to him later. I shouldn't have gone that far." I say, blinking rapidly. You will not cry right now, Jongin. Keep it together.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to apologize for that asshole? You are not Kai. I know the fucking difference between my best friend and that douche. Jongin is pure and kind, and so lovable, but Kai... Kai just wants to destroy anything in his path." Sehun spits out, his words full of anger.

I sigh "clearly Kris isn't the only one Kai got to today."

Sehun shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose, attempting to calm himself "it's getting worse, Jongin. Kai keeps coming out more and more. It's making me worried."

I pull up a blade of grass and run it between my fingers "I know. He tends to take over when I'm stressed or emotionally torn. He seems to have gained an obsession with Kyungsoo, and is triggered every time someone brings him up." I throw the blade of grass, watching as the wind catches it and gracefully brings it to the ground "the very thing i wanted to protect Soo from, keeps hooking his claws further and further into him."

Sehun turns to me suddenly and secures my gaze "I saw him today, Jongin. He wasn't like his usual dick self. I've seen Kai go up against people who's said the exact same things to you. I've seen Kai deal with the whole 'stay away from them' situation before and it was never like that."

My eyebrows knit and I cock my head to the side "what do you mean?"

Sehun sighs and turns his body, sitting cross legged, facing me "Jongin, Kai is always quick to throw the person away if he is facing a fight. He's always fast to back down and throw the person he was interested in to the side of he's ever challenged... but today... Jongin. Kai was ready to fight, or more like, he was ready to get his ass kicked. He wasn't backing down, Jongin."

Dread fill me instantly and I groan, throwing myself back onto the ground "it's worse than I thought."

"No, wait, Jongin. You don't understand. This is a good thing." Sehun says, tapping my leg repeatedly.

I lift my arm I had dismayingly placed over my eyes and narrow my eyes at this ridiculous child "how is the person who destroys everything in their path, getting attached to the man I'm in love with, a good thing?"

Silence follows, and when I finally realize the full weight of what I just said, my eyes widen in disbelief. 

"Holy shit" I say.

Sehun stares at me with an equally shocked expression and mumbles "yeah, didn't expect that one."

I huff out a bewildered breath and throw my arm over my eyes once again. My body feels heavy with this newfound revelation.

"I knew you liked Kyungsoo, but I didn't realize it went that deep." Sehun says, blowing out an weighted breath.

I nod and sigh again "I didn't either until it was out of my mouth."

I feel a light pat on my hip and lean into the comforting touch "like I said, this might be a good thing?"

"How?" I ask, my voice rough with surrender.

"I think, in his own fucked up way, Kai might care about Kyungsoo." Sehun suggest.

I cackle at the ridiculous notion "Kai doesn't care about anything but my dick, Sehun."

"Jongin, he just tried to go toe to toe with fucking Kris. The giant who's bigger than Chanyeol and has nearly put people in the hospital before. Kai was ready to fight him, i saw it. I don't think he'd do that if Kyungsoo was just a little conquest that he planned to hit and quit." Sehun notions, making gears turn in my head.

Kai's never paid attention to anyone before. I know he's done some fucked up shit to get his dick wet, but he's never actually cared about who he's messing around with. Even my parents and sisters, he's never regarded with much interest. But even the mention of Kyungsoo's name has him humming in the back of my mind.

"Kai destroys. He the physical representation of my anger and pain. I don't think it's possible for him to actually care about anything." I say, refusing to accept that Kai might actually feel something about Kyungsoo, other than lust.

Sehun shrugs when I lift my arm and look up at him "I'm just saying, Kai doesn't seem to be on a hell bent path to get into Kyungsoo's pants and he really doesn't like being told to stay away from him."

I sit up one again and consider this. It really doesn't seem like Kai is trying to bed Kyungsoo. I mean, those thoughts are there, but Kai's pulled me out before over trying to get a piece of ass. Hell, he's done it with Baekhyun. But he never once pushed his way to the surface with Soo, and I've heard some things we've thought about the older. And every time I've warned Kai away from Soo in the past, only seemed to rile him up. Could it really be that Kai might actually care for Kyungsoo?

"Ok, so let's say I accept that Kai has actually decided to see someone as a human and behave like one himself... that doesn't mean he should even get close to Soo." I say, upset by the very idea of letting that beast close to my tiny, defenseless bunny.

"Kyungsoo's not as breakable as you think he is, Jongin. He may look small and fragile, but trust me, that man can handle himself. Like you said, it seemed like Soo was trying to pull Kai out earlier... maybe he's trying to show you that he's ready to take on that challenge." Sehun says. I scoff at him, to which he rolls his eyes "so are you saying that everyone small and compact is incapable of taking care of themselves?"

I narrow my eyes at him, scrutinizing his expression, which currently looks way too smug for my comfort. "...Possibly."

Sehun smirks and crosses his arms "Levi"

I gasp, covering my mouth with my hand "how dare you. You're playing dirty."

"Do you remember when Levi cut Eren out of the Titan? How even though he knew it was a risk and that he could have hurt him, Levi choose to save Eren because he knew the kid was worth fighting for and he really did care about him? Do you remember that?" Sehun asks.

My lip trembles at the mention of that scene. It's one of my favorites. "Yeah?"

"Trust your Levi to save you from yourself. Give Soo some credit, he's stronger than he looks" Sehun explains, a strange kind of definite understanding in his eyes that I just don't quite get.

I get what he's saying, I really do. I'm just not sure if I can accept the possibility that Kyungsoo can rival against the abnormal known as Kai. 

I think back to to Kyungsoo's harsh, but needed words earlier. Clearly he has the unbreakable will of someone capable of standing his own, but up against Kai? I would never be able to forgive myself if Kai ever hurt Kyungsoo in the way he's crushed people in the past.

"You can't spend your whole life terrified of your own shadow, because all you'll ever see is shadows wherever you go." Kyungsoo's words echo in my head "We all have our demons, and we all fight battles inside of ourselves everyday." Kyungsoo talks about fighting demons, about pushing through everyday with a strength that many fail to possess.

It's he that strong though? Is he capable of handling both of us?

"A little trust goes a long way, Jongin." Sehun says, placing his hand on my shoulder.

I smile at him and for a second we share a moment of understanding. Sehun is really my best friend and at times like this he proves it. Sometimes he knows me better than I know myself and I don't even know how to begin to thank him for how many times he's saved my ass.

I reach out, and quickly punch him in the arm. He flinches and gives me a mock pissed expression. "Asshole"

I snort and dodge his own punch "look at you making Attack on Titan references. Even going as far to reference a specific episode. My little Hunnie is turning into an Otaku."

"Shut up." He squeals and grabs my hands, causing a power struggle as we fight back and forth "it just doesn't suck. Plus you've made me watch the damn thing so much."

"Just admit you like it" I taunt. "Admit you love AOT, Hunnie"

"Shove it up your ass" Sehun hisses, getting into his knees, attempting to overpower me.

I laugh loudly and move onto my knees as well "fine, as long as you admit that your want to shove Armin's dick up yours."

Sehun's eyes widen to hilarious proportions "I told you that dream out of confidence" he yells before launching at me and tackling me to the ground.

We roll around for a few minutes, attempting to throw punches and knees, but just end up in a tangled mess of limbs and bunched clothing. Laughing, Sehun hauls himself off of me, disentangling his legs from my own.

"You need to figure this whole Kai thing out. I don't know what I'd do if he takes over full time."  Sehun says, taking an oddly serious approach.

I nod and lean back on my elbows. "That won't happen."

Sehun offers me a hand, and I take it, allowing him to haul me off the ground "it better not. You're too important to me. I hate when you slip away into Kai. It's like losing my best friend over and over again."

Throwing an arm around Sehun, I pull him close. "I think I'm finally ready to fight. I think I'm actually ready to take the reigns back."

Sehun smirks and playfully nudges an arm into my ribs, but doesn't move away "well, I'll grab my battle gear. You know I'll always fight right beside you." 

An easy smile finds it's way to my lips. I have no idea how I managed to get a friend like Sehun by my side. No matter what, I know he'll always be here, and to me that means everything. Sehun and I may be more like brothers than anything, and I know I'll always be able to rely on him.

"There's one thing I have to do first. The beginning step of this little battle." I say as we begin walking back to the house. Sehun turns his head towards me, his eyebrows raised in a silent question, and I take a deep breath. "I have to show my titan form to Levi... Kyungsoo has to meet Kai."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for you non anime people that have to deal with the AOT references, but somehow it just fits in this context. Plus, I'm anime trash and will try to work in a good reference whenever I possibility can. If you haven't watched AOT and don't understand, I apologize, but the references aren't that important for you to understand the story. Promise.
> 
> I think my favorite part from this was the scene with Baekhyun and Kyungsoo. That part came to me while I was in one of my psychology classes. We were talking about physical attraction and the qualities we absentmindedly look for in mates. It was fascinating and I was wondering what Baekhyun's opinion of this would be and this is how it came out. I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> That's all I have for you on this. The anticipated SuLay is up next. See you then.


	22. Ignorance is bliss (Sulay)

~Yixing~

An involuntary sigh leaves my lips as I walk out of my final class for the day. I only have an hour to get to work. Siwon is letting me come in and help open the club to pick up a few hours since I'll be gone this weekend. 

Today has been working out to be a pretty good and productive day. I even felt a bit of the stress I had been feeling recently, roll off my shoulders.

That stress has come back tenfold, however. Tugging tightly at the nerve at the base of my skull and pulsing down my neck to my shoulders, the second I walk out of class and see who is waiting for me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, balancing my books from one arm to the other.

Junmyeon smirks and pushes himself off the wall, silently dismissing my obvious discontent at his presence. "I missed you. I'm going to be a bit busy this weekend, so I won't be able to see you."

A part of me, a deep, disillusioned part of me, sings at his words. The very idea that Junmyeon was waiting for me, in the hopes that he'd see me, if only for a moment. That he missed me to the point of seeking me out before his business takes up his time. My heart pushes against my rib cage, as if attempting to break free and give itself over to this man in front of me on its own accord. 

My head. The smart, reasonable part, however, forces it back into its place. Carefully chaining it, securing it safely in the hallow area of my chest. I had made the decision to walk away, to give up on Junmyeon, and though he's making it excruciatingly hard, I'm still firm in my choice.

Of course I've wavered at times. Of course I've wanted to give in and stay by Junmyeon's side. But in the end, the main problem remained. Junmyeon and I don't fit into each other's worlds. He's better off finding someone on his level, and he'll realize that, even if i need to make him hate me for him to do so.

I release another sigh and shake my head in frustration "I don't have time for this, Junmyeon. I have to be at work soon, then I'm heading out of town."

"Really? Where are you going?" Junmyeon asks, his eyes almost seeming to harden. "Who are you going with? Sehun?"

"Being a little to invasive aren't we?"

Junmyeon chuckles in a harsh tone, his eyes hardening "says the man who followed me around for over a year."

That jolts me a bit and I feel the instant shame that seems to be constantly hanging around whenever Junmyeon is near. This only reaffirms my point. We're not good for one another. After what I did, a demented breach of privacy and security, I don't even deserve the nice way he talks to me, let alone a chance to be in his life.

I wish Junmyeon would see this as clearly as i do, though. I can't help but sit back and think about how quickly things changed, about how fast things flipped. I was once the one following and obsessing over this man, but now he's the one who can't seem to leave me alone.

Clearly, he's not someone who's used to not getting what he wants. Such petty things, like pride and lack of understanding are things I️ abandoned long ago. The distance between us just gets longer and longer.

"How many times do you need me to apologize for what I did?" I ask, feeling my patience waning more and more.

Junmyeon makes an expression like that was the last thing he wants to hear "I don't want you to appol-" he stops, and gears seem to be turning in his head "actually... Yixing, you can make it up to me."

I instantly get a tugging feeling at the pit of my stomach and I know I'm going to regret this. But I need my guilt to be cleared. I need this dark mark off of my conscience.

"Give me three dates. Actual dates, where you try to let go and enjoy yourself. Put forth effort like a real date." Junmyeon says, smirking like this is the best idea he's ever pulled out of his ass.

I take a deep breath, mulling this over. It's only three dates. But it's Junmyeon. Whenever I get around him all intelligent thoughts disappear and I find myself acting like a fumbling idiot most of the time. How am I supposed to sit through three actual dates and try my best to impress him, when I'm supposed to be pushing him away?

"You're insane aren't you?" I question, shifting my books in my arms again.

Junmyeon grins, amused at my nearly rude remark "only when in your presence, Zhang Yixing." He says my full name with almost impressive Beijing dialect.

My knees tremble and I swallow thickly, forcing myself to look away quickly "fine. Three dates. Then we go our separate ways and never diverge ever again."

Junmyeon smirks, like he's holding on a secret the rest of the world is clueless to "of course, Yixing."

I shake my head and turn away, leaving him standing in the hallway. "Quit saying my name like that." I call over my shoulder.

His answering, smug chuckle, only proves to piss me off, and makes my heart skip a beat all at the same time.

>>>

~Junmyeon~

Yixing stares me down, his eyes blankly glaring into mine as I sit at the bar, while he drys a glass with a towel.

"I'm counting this" Yixing says after a beat "two more left, Mr. Kim."

I force my blood to slow at the excitement of being called by a formal name from his delicate, dark red lips. 

Yixing's been needlessly acting cold and distant from me, but I️ can see right through him. I️ know there's more behind this masquerade he is insisting on putting up. Yixing may be an excellent actor, but his eyes can't lie. No matter how harsh he acts, he'll never hide from me. His smugness just makes me want to bend him over this bar and beat it out of him, to force out the Yixing I️ know, but I push that need down. I can't think about Yixing in such ways. The man is too innocent for my world, so I️ think I'll let him hide for a while longer. He'll come out on his own accord eventually.

"That's not fair." I defend, not really that affected. I️ could make Yixing mine in one date, the three are just technicalities "we're both going to be otherwise detained this weekend and I wanted to spend time with you. I'm allotted contact outside of the dates."

"Spending time with me counts as a date. You can 'contact' me all you want, but I'll count it as a date every time" Yixing deadpans, clearly not budging on this.

I scoff, my blood running quickly at the challenge Yixing presents to me. I usually hate to be fought, but from Yixing, it's exciting. "this is hardly a date. Dates require formality. I pick you up, take you to a lovely restaurant. We're both dressed in attractive attire. And we spend the evening having engaging in pleasant conversation. This is not a date."

Yixing raises an eyebrow "you brought me food and you're sitting across from me, 'engaging' me in conversation. It's a date. Not everyone has the time or money to live out a scene from a romantic movie, Junmyeon. Some of us take what we can get."

I sit back, slightly impressed by his debating skills, but slightly irritated at the same time. I'm a simple guy, but I'm also used to getting my way. Yixing is the type to not budge when it comes to his decisions. This man is the most insufferable, yet exciting person I've ever met.

I sigh and cross my arms "fine, we'll count it. But you actually need to eat." I say motioning to the food I had picked up for him.

Yixing gave me an overview of his schedule earlier, but not once did he mention eating. I've noticed over my observations that Yixing tends to forget to take care of himself. He's always worried about taking care of others that his own needs fall to the back burners.

Yixing is going to put himself in an early grave if he keeps working and pushing himself the way he is.

He fixes me with an incredulous and hesitant look. Always so stubborn.

I lift my eyebrow and push the bag closer to him "eat" I order, not even attempting to hide the order in the form of a suggestion.

Yixing visibly swallows and submits quickly, and I try to not look too smug about it. The way this man bows to me at times, it sends a pleasant shiver up my spine.

>>>>>

~Yixing~

I find Kyungsoo in his room, seeming to be mentally going through a checklist of his things. Kyungsoo's always been such a level headed, practical person. Someone I've always known to keep his wits in moments of panic, or disaster. I remember last semester when Baekhyun had set the bathroom on fire trying to conduct an 'experiment' with bathroom cleaning chemicals. Everyone had flipped out, not knowing how to properly put out a chemical fire. Not Kyungsoo, though. He calmly stepped in and put it out with a chemical fire extinguisher, that I didn't even know we had.

Kyungsoo's always been a sure footed person, but recently... he seems a bit lost. Actually, everyone in the house seems a bit lost. 

"All ready?" I ask, making Soo jump. I hold up my hand "sorry"

Kyungsoo gives me a short smile and sakes his head "It's alright. I was just lost in my head, I guess."

I nod. Understanding completely. That seems to be going around a lot lately.

"How about we have a long talk in the car on the way?" i suggest.

Kyungsoo's eyes seem to lighten up a bit, and he nods slightly. He relaxes in an almost relieving sort of way. "i can't wait"

He turns around and starts zipping up his bags. I watch as that familiar tension, as the same I've been feeling, pulls at his shoulders and upper back. I sigh and walk over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Kyungsoo jumps a little, but doesn't seem bothered by the touch. The other has always been hesitant and slightly uncomfortable with physical contact. He's never seemed to shy away from me though, and for that, i'm thankful. 

It doesn't stop me from being careful. My hand rests conscientiously on his shoulder. "Soo... everything will be okay. I know things are hard right now, but it'll pass soon. You'll see. Everything will be ok."

I notice the hitch in his breath, and the small shake in his shoulders. I sigh and give him one last pat, picking his bags up off the bed. "i'll be waiting down by the car. Come when you're ready."

Kyungsoo nods, releasing a short shaky breath, and i know he needs some time alone. I leave him be with his thoughts, and head downstairs, hoping this weekend will be a good break for both of us.

.....

I shut the back trunk to the rental car Sehun and i had just loaded with our things. I turn and sigh at what I find in front of me: Sehun bounces on the balls of his feet, chewing at his lip anxiously. 

I hate this. Sehun usually comes with me, and i know he hates not being able to be there this time, but circumstances prevent his presence. I understand it, but it doesn't mean i'm any less against the idea of being there without my right hand man.

"Hunnie. It'll be fine. Soo will be with me the whole time." I say lowly, attempting to add a calming register for the ball of stress standing before me.

Sehun finally meets my eyes and I can see the depth in his anxiety "I don't like you going without me. I should be the one next to you."

I nod and reach out, caressing the young, innocent boy. Sehun always been my rock on things like this. Where I lack confidence, he has a controlled ease at which he holds himself. Where I lack accommodation, Sehun is capable of going with the flow. Where I lack reality, Sehun has always been there to protect and guid me.

Sehun leans into the touch and I watch him visibly relax, much to my relief. 

"I can cancel and..." Sehun says suggestively, but I stop him by placing my finger over his lips.

"Don't even think about it." I say, feeling my heart pull at the crushed look on his face. "It'll be fine, Hunnie. Trust me, ok?"

Sehun stares into my eyes for a second, before closing his eyes and nodding. Clearly accepting the circumstances, his shoulders sag in defeat. I make a mental note to plan ahead next time, and make sure the younger is by my side. I drop my hands, but grab Sehun's, giving them a quick squeeze.

"Come on, you two. Enough of the sad goodbyes. It's only two full days." Kyungsoo calls, coming out of the house.

Sehun sighs, and pulls me into a tight hug. "Please be safe. You know how you are in crowds, so keep to the outskirts. Watch out for creeps. Stay with Soo the whole time. And please, please keep your phone on you."

I nod and I wrap my arms around his waist, pressing my lips against his shoulder "I know, Hunnie. I know."

Kyungsoo chuckles as he passes us, and makes his way around to the drivers side of the car.

"Please take care of him." Sehun says, stopping Kyungsoo before he climbs into the car.

Kyungsoo meets Sehun's gaze and gives him a short nod, before getting in and closing the door. Giving us a bit of privacy for a second.

"Text me the second you get there" Sehun commands, pulling away and grasping my shoulders like a mother would a child.

I grab his arms and give him my best understanding expression. I'm not even close to upset about Sehun talking to me like he's the older one. I know how he feels. We've been doing this together for years and this is the first time Sehun's not coming with me since he became my little partner in crime.

It'll be hard without the young kid beside me, but I know him staying behind is the best for him. He needs to face this and stand on his own for once.

Sehun will be ok, and so will I. We can't be each other's crutch forever, though i know we'll always be there to hold the other up when we need it... i just hope Sehun can stand on his own after what he's about to do.

>>>>>

~Junmyeon~

A shiver runs up my spine as a hooded figure walks out onto the small stage at the front of the room. An anticipated hush falls over the room, just before the enchanting, and hypnotic drum melody starts. The man holds up his hand, drawling us in further, then quickly brings it down at the same time the red satin curtain behind him drops to the floor. Exhilaration flows into my bones and my breath catches as the scene he'll be working with today stands proud on the stage behind him. He shares only a few words of explanation for what he'll do today, then quickly gets to work on his presentation. His introduction is always simple, yet commanding. That deep, husky tone washes over the demonstration room, demanding submission. For someone like The Master, i'd be more than happy to give it.

"I'd bottom bitch daily for that man" Minho leans in and comments in my ear, nearly echoing my own thoughts.

I push down the need to growl, but i really don't have to. Minho knows my deep rooted obsession, and even possesiveness with The Master.

The Master is the whole reason i got into the scene. The master is... well, a literal master in our world. He's a dominate presence, but he's also a ghost. The Master operates mostly from the underground, and he actually hasn't made a debut within the scene in a year or so. So when i found out that he was going to make his grand reappearance at this years expo, not only doing a crowd demonstration, but presenting one of the items from his newest collections, i instantly booked my spot. And clearly by the limited space in this decently sized room, i wasn't the only one who was anxiously awaiting his reemergence.

The Master kind of disappeared, but his fan base, as well as merchandise has only increased tenfold. It seems that in the time that he's been on a hiatus, his productivity has doubled. New toys, designs for gear, and even a new brand of rope that is perfect for suspension. It's hard to find perfect rope that supply's both comfort and durability. The Master always delivers, though. I have five bundles from that collection as well as a few of his newest toy designs that i'm more than impressed with. It makes me wonder if maybe he's employed some people behind the scenes. A new creative team that's bringing in a fresh and interesting twist on The Masteres classic merchandise. 

When i had first developed an interest in these things, i was nineteen. The master had just appeared on the scene two years prior, but he had already made a name for himself. The first time i had seen him on stage, though, sealed me in for the rest of my life. I knew after watching him work ropes, chains, and crafted leather like a tailor works a needle and thread, i'd never be able to simply live a normal life. My inner dominant craves everything The Master has... everything he exhibits.

"What would you do, if your god turned out to be a woman?" Minho asks, his voice dripping with amusement.

That's another thing about The Master. No one's ever seen him. His identity is completly unknown to the scene, as he always wears a dark robe with a hood, covering his body and head. And he also wears a dark mask, covering his eyes, and face. He's a complete mystery, which only adds to his allure. 

I smirk and glance sideways at my friend, "then i'd drop to my knees and address her as mistress"

Minho rolls his eyes and scoffs "you're no better than an obedient house pet."

I glance down at the boy sitting subserviently at Minho's feet. The collar resting snugly around his neck, now adorned with a new sparkly tag with his name on it. I wonder what Taemin had to have done to receive that as a reward... then again, i probably don't want to know.

"I thought you liked obedience?" i ask with an insinuating tone.

Minho narrows his eyes at me, reaching down to pet Taemin on the head. Taemin leans into it, attentively rubbing his cheek into Minho's palm. That type of loyalty. That type of submission. It can't be reached without ultimate trust. 

I lie to myself about not being jealous over their relationship, and focus on the devastatingly mystifying man at the front of the room. He's currently demonstrating one of his newest products, one that i actually just received in the mail a few days ago. I have yet to use it, but it's exciting to get a first hand look at it's intended operation.

I'm enamored by the techniques of The Master. His control. His confidence. His certainty. He exhibits everything I covet; everything I wish to become.

"What's he doing here?" Minho's low voice, questions into my ear.

Minho discreetly points across the room, forcing me to pry my eyes away from the brilliance of the man on stage. I follow Minho's finger towards someone I never expected to see here.

My breath catches and I stare at the man, who is intently watching the stage.

"What is Kyungsoo doing here?" I ask, almost appalled to see not only a classmate, but one of Yixing's good friends here.

Minho shakes his head, also seeming a bit complexed by the males presence. I chew at my lip, wondering if I should make my presence known, or if he would prefer animosity. 

"I wonder who came with him?" Minho asks again, gesturing to the man standing next to Kyungsoo. His full, yet slender build seems a bit familiar, but I can't put my finger on it.

The man and Kyungsoo seem to be having an in-depth, hushed conversation. The man stands about a head taller than my classmate, and has inky black hair. They seem to be having a discussion about the presentation and a part of me would love to be over there, listening in to what they have to say.

I shrug it off however. It's been a long time since The Master has done a live action and I refuse to miss this. I'll just have to catch up with Kyungsoo later.

I turn my attention back to the stage, watching the master weave his own special kind of magic, entrancing me once again.

......

The aura around me, sends electric pulses through my body. I️ watch the exhibit floor. Booths with hand crafted, top of the line materials and toys fill the space. This is like Comic-Con for the kinky people of the world and it never fails to amaze me. People from every walk of life, every kink, even the ones that usually hide in the shadows seem to come to life and celebrate their lives with pride. A furry walks by me, hand and hand with his assumed master and gives me a smile. I️ return it and feel a calm settle over me. 

I️ understand exactly how the all feel, because I️ feel the same. You can be yourself here. You can be free in a way we're not able to usually. Even in the underground's, you never know what could happen, so you set up a careful guard to protect your identity and safety. And that only lasts for so long, a momentary relief. But here, everyone just wants to have fun and openly be themselves. It's a whole weekend devoted to our kind. 

Usually the rest of the world shames the kink world, forcing us to hide away, but here, we're able to breath fresh air. This is our element, surrounded by like minded people, who refuse to judge because they've lived their lives being on the receiving end of that judgment. Not a single person here has a harsh word to say, (at least none that don't come with a safe word attached) and they'll welcome you with open arms. I️ breath for these three days, and I️ refuse to spend them as Kim Junmyeon, aire to the Kim fortune and billion dollar company.

I️ stand back and watch my people flutter about the floor, laughter, and excited chatter calling above the crowd. Appearances don't have to be made here. Putting forth my best possible impression isn't needed. It's so reliving in a sense to not have anyone care about my damn name.

A small smile pulls at my lips as soon as I️ see the small, yet full figure of my classmate enter the main floor. He heads straight for the food, causing me to chuckle, and follow. I️ waste no time and tap my classmate on the shoulder. Usually I'd be more concerned over protecting Kyungsoo's privacy, but he seems exceptionally comfortable here and doesn't seem to care about being seen. 

Kyungsoo turns to me with wide eyes, half a roll hanging out of his mouth. He stares at me for a second, before his eyes widen further when they make the connection of who I am. Resisting the urge to chuckle at his expression, I give him a polite smile and bow, allowing him to finish the particularly large bite of bread before addressing him verbally.

"Hello, Kyungsoo" I say, pleasantly.

"Shit" Kyungsoo whispers under his breath, clearly not meant for me to hear, but I don't miss it for a second. I don't give any light to it, though, I would feel the same if I was a first timer and ran into a classmate here. Kyungsoo audibly gulps, and looks extremely uncomfortable before composing himself and gives me a neutral regard "hello, Junmyeon"

I laugh lightly "please, call me Suho here. Animosity."

Kyungsoo nods, seeming to understand completely "of course, Suho."

"This didn't really seem like your scene, but it doesn't surprise me too much. You never know what people hide away under their beds, or in their closets." I insinuate.

Kyungsoo bites at his lip, almost seeming to hide a small smile on his lips "I'm not really too into things like this. Don't get me wrong, i love a good 'tie me to the bed' session, and i dabble with the occasional need to dominate or be dominated, but this isn't my thing. I'm just here with a friend." 

I raise an eyebrow at that "oh?"

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, but thankfully doesn't appear offended "that's why i hate coming to these things. A friend can't just be a friend here. All of the people here assume that everyone is fucking everyone."

I chuckle and nod "sorry about that. This community tends to be extremely open about sex and sexual exploits. We don't mean any harm, but nine times out of ten... everyone is fucking everyone."

Kyungsoo seems amused and smirks slightly. It looks good on him, and i briefly wonder what he'd look like in a dominant role. With the proper amount of training and conditioning, Kyungsoo would be a natural. I make a mental note to get to know the owlet a little more, and move on past that idea.

"So, this friend of yours... do they go to school with us? Any chance of you letting me in on who it is?" i ask, voicing my curiosity.

Minho and Taemin are the only two other people on campus that i know of who actively participate within the scene. That's actually how i met them. I was just shopping around in a local underground dungeon, when i happened upon those two idiots and ended up making two of my closest friends. Actually, they're probably my only true friends. It's hard to be real and close to people when you have to hide one of the biggest parts of yourself.

Kyungsoo gives me an incredulous expression and shakes his head "easy there, Mr. Animosity. Yes, they go to our university, but they're rather private about these things."

I nod, and bow politely in apology "of course. I completly understand. Excuse my intrusive behavior."

The other blinks at me slightly stunned "i-it's alright. Damn, i can see why Yixing became slightly obsessed with you. You just dazzled the crap out of me." 

My expression falters slightly, before i can catch it. Kyungsoo doesn't miss it for a second, but brings no attention to it, and grabs a handful of grapes off of the buffet style food table. He's definitely someone to be careful around.

"About Yixing..." i start, but Kyungsoo stops me in my tracks by giving me a look that dares not to be argued against. Most certainly someone to keep an eye on.

"Are you actually fishing for information on one of my closest friends?" he asks, his eyes twinkling with delight filled mischief.

I sigh, fixing my rolled up shirt sleeves "depends... are you willing to give it to me?"

Kyungsoo smiles, his whole face crinkling into one of the cutest smiles I've ever seen "listen, i could probably sit here and tell you Yixing's life story, but in all honestly, that's not what you want."

"it's not?"

"No, what you want is for me to give you the secret. The ultimate cheat code for getting into Yixing's heart." Kyungsoo deadpans.

I nod lightly, unable to argue. That's exactly what i want. Around every turn, Yixing never fails to push me away. Always fights me on every attempt i make at gaining any ground. Maybe a little bit of understanding about Yixing's inter-workings will give me a steppingstone.

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and tilts his head "to make this as short and sweet as possible. Yixing is a simple person, with simple needs. He's sensitive and so full of love, he doesn't know an enemy. He's also the type of person who's humble to a fault. Yixing doesn't know his own strengths, even when they're blatantly obvious to everyone else."

"Okay, point?" i ask, wondering what exactly Kyungsoo's trying to get at.

The other man smiles as if he has a secret he'll never tell "Yixing is a literal angel, with a terrible self esteem. He'll never consider the two of you a possibility because he'll never think you're on his level. I know you're used to impressing people and getting your way with your money and power, but that's not going to work on our baby Yixing. He needs to see the human side of you, the side that he can actually see existing in his world. Quit trying to pull him up to you, and bend down for him a bit."

I take a deep breath, letting his words hit me square in the chest. Of course Yixing wouldn't be the type to accept being bought. Yixing is a man of simplicity and humility. He needs someone to prove their humanity to him before he will ever accept them any other way. I think back to Yixing words yesterday "Not everyone has the time or money to live out a scene from a romantic movie, Junmyeon. Some of us take what we can get." They make tremendously more sense now.

"I'm not very good at bending. I very obviously like control, and power." I say, motioning to our surroundings, to further my point about my life being centered around regulation and order.  "I'm not saying it's impossible, just something i don't have a lot of practice in."

"Listen, Xing hasn't had the easiest of lives. Everything he has, he's worked his ass off for. He came to Korea with barely anything and worked his way up. He lives simply and won't let anyone distract him from what he wants, and definitely won't accept anyone whom he thinks doesn't understand his struggles. It's kind of why he's so close to all of his fraternity brothers. We've all experienced struggles and know what it's like to feel lacking." Kyungsoo levels me with a serious look, one that roots me in my place and refuses to welcome anything but my full attention "i don't want to assume anything, but i get the feeling you've never had to want for anything before, or that you've never had to endure hardships that cripple your entire foundation before."

Again, i can't argue with him. Kyungsoo is entirely correct. I'm not exceedingly proud that I've lived a pampered, sheltered life, but it's still the life I've lived. It's a part of who i am, and I make no excuses for it. But Yixing hasn't. Yixing's been through a lot in his short amount of years, and though i may not know the details, he has the face and heart of someone who's felt and survived through pain and sorrow.

"I've never had to experience such things, that is true, but it doesn't mean i can't sympathize." i explain.

Kyungsoo's lips twitch up at the corner, gently agreeing "I know. That's why i'm still standing here. I wouldn't be wasting my time on someone I don't believe is good for Yixing. You've never had to directly struggle, but you're willing to understand and adapt. That's what Yixing needs. Someone who's willing to meet him half way, someone who's willing to bend a little."

I lower my head, furrowing my brows a bit and nod lightly. I get it. I really understand what Kyungsoo is saying to me. It's just the execution that's hard. I've been taught my whole life to stand up tall, to never bend for anyone. How exactly am i supposed to meet someone half way, when I've had everyone crawling to me on their knees my whole life? 

"Kyungsoo... We should sit down and have a talk sometime" I say, letting an easy smirk take over my lips.

Kyungsoo graces me with a deep, amused laugh, and reaches out squeezing my shoulder. His hand firm and almost demanding. "Anytime, Suho."

I shake my head and slightly squint my eyes "seriously, are you sure this isn't your scene?"

The other mans smirk deepens and he squeezes my shoulder "you never know. Perceptions change. Sometimes you discover things about yourself that you didn't even know about if you look deep enough."

He gifts me with a wink and leaves me staring after him, as he walks across the room. Just as he reaches the exit doors, someone comes in. I believe I recognize them as the person who was standing with Kyungsoo earlier during the demonstration. They talk in hushed voices, and when Kyungsoo glances over at me, his face holds a slight panic and concern to it. The other person looks as well, their eyes covered with sunglasses and a hoodie hood pulled up tight around their head. I look harder and again find something eerily familiar about the mystery person, and for a second I feel like our eyes lock, entrapped in a staring match. A chill goes up my spine and I can't extinguish the burning curiosity of whose behind those thick sunglasses. The other person jumps and turns away from me, his shoulders trembling lightly. 

I sigh sympathetically. Such a newbie, it's almost cute.

The other person seems slightly shaken by someone he knows being here. I would give anything to go over and assure them that they don't have to worry about my desecration, but that would probably only make their anxiety worse. Kyungsoo glances at me once again, and i bow at him, which he smiles and returns, understanding my meaning. I'll be completly respectful and distant, to give them privacy. I was new to the scene once too, so i know what it feels like to want to hide away.

I watch Kyungsoo drag the other person, who's now curled in on themselves out of the main hall. I almost feel bad for them, and chuckle slightly at their cute nervousness. 

"What was that about?" Minho comes up beside me, tugging Taemin behind with his sparkly leash.

I chuckle "the guy who was with Kyungsoo must be a newbie. It seems Soo came to support his friend."

Minho smiles and nods "that's nice of him. Disappointing too. I was hoping to get Kyungsoo into our little group. I've had my eyes on him for a while now."

I smirk and remember the small telling gestures and words that just breathed control and dominance. "i wouldn't give up too quickly. You know anyone can be swayed with the right amount of convincing."

Minho returns my smirk and turns towards the snack table, picking up a chocolate covered strawberry and feeding it to Taemin, who is currently vibrating with happiness. That boy was made to be a submissive. "exactly, which is why i don't know how you have decided that Yixing won't fit into this world. Anyone can fit when you find their proper measurements."

"I don't want to measure him, Minho. I want..." i release an apathetic sounding sigh "even i don't know what i want at this point."

Minho gives me a serious and pitying look for once, instead of his usual smug, amused one. "figure it out soon, Jun. Yixing doesn't seem like the type of guy to wait around."

I take a deep breath and glance over at Taemin. The boy gives me a leery expression but doesn't voice his concerns. Obviously he's been warned about behaving and respecting other dominants. I move closer to Taemin and observe him quietly for a second, until it's clear his anxiety is getting the best of him. Taemin reaches out and grabs my shirt with a shaky grasp, and whines softly.

I chuckle softly and pet him between the expensive looking ears pinned to his hair "sorry, Tae. I was just observing. I'm not asking for your submission." 

Taemin peeks up, looking me in the eyes, before snapping his head to Minho. The man watches us carefully, not in the slightest phased by what just happened. Actually, if anything, he seems intrigued. In another time I would have pushed further, and investigated this new development. But my radar, and desires have seemed to have shifted to a more specific direction. Careless and unattached isn't my taste any longer.

"Actually, Minnie. I need you to help me with a few things." I say, getting a sudden idea.

Taemin was placed on this earth to submit. He didn't have the easiest starts in life, and has also worked his ass off to get to his place, but he also lives his days as the personal 'pet' of my best friend, and seems perfectly content doing so. Being pampered and taken care of are his favorite things, but he also grasps tightly at his independence and continues to work hard. If anyone knows what is needed to bend, it's him.

Taemin glances apprehensively at his master, who gives him a permissing nod, curious in his own right. The younger, still grasping onto my shirt, gives me a curious head tilt, silently asking.

I smile and tug at the leash connecting my two friends "I want to know how to bend, Tae. I'm not getting anywhere with power and control. I want you to teach me how to submit."

>>>>

"Yixing"

"Are you ok?" Kyungsoo's worried voice floats over to me, a little too loud for the small space inside the car.

I glance over, taking notice of just how hard he's gripping the steering wheel and I realize that I haven't said a word since we left. 

I breath in deeply and run my still trembling hands on my jeans "yeah, sorry... I just... I had no idea... I just.."

Kyungsoo risks a short glance at me, the concern deep rooted in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Xing. I should have warned you."

"He looked right at me. He looked right at me, and I swear I saw recognition. Kyungsoo, I don't... I'm so confused." I say, dropping my head into my hands.

I feel a hand on my back, rubbing gently. "Listen, he promised me discretion. He won't say anything about seeing us there, and honestly, I don't even think he recognized you. He would have made a big deal out of it if he had."

"What was he even doing there?" I ask, wildly. My brain seems to be completely short circuiting.

Kyungsoo sighs and rubs my back more soothingly. Interchangeable patterns, relaxing me. "Isn't it obvious. You've spent more time with him than I have, but think about the way he holds himself, the way he conducts his daily activities. Is it really that surprising?"

I swallow thickly and sit back up, looking over to Kyungsoo. He has a point. Junmyeon is all about control, about expressing his power. So many things, like his reaction to my small submissions, the demands he expects me to automatically follow, and even the way he dotes on me like a over-repressive mother. 

"Is... is he cultivating me as a potential sub" I️ ask, confused by this latest possible development.

The slight smile touching Soo's lips, tells me he knows something, but I know he won't tell me. Kyungsoo will only tell you things on his time, when he's ready. Try to force it out, and you risk making an enemy. I'd rather not live my life with Kyungsoo against me like Baekhyun does.

"But Junmyeon... a dominant?" I ask, completely bewildered.

Kyungsoo shrugs and his smirk deepens. "You never know what people hide away under their beds, or in their closets." 

I shake my head. This changes things. I was so worried about tainting him with my lifestyle, about him being pushed into my dark, twisted little world. Like I️ said, Junmyeon and I️ didn't fit into each other's lives. It's the reason I pushed him away so hard, not even contemplating the idea of friendship. All of my closest friends know of my alternative lifestyle, even dabbling in it a bit themselves, but I could never imagine being friends with someone who doesn't know one of the biggest parts of me. 

"Maybe Junmyeon and I are more compatible than I previously thought." I voice.

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow and risks another peek at me "are you going to let him woo you then?"

I roll my eyes and chuckle at his word choices "of corse not. Junmyeon is still drastically out of my reach. Our worlds just don't clash, and I can never be on his level. But friendship is definitely a possibility. It's always refreshing to make friends in the scene."

Kyungsoo smiles his secret little smile again and shakes his head "don't be quick to write him off so quickly, Xing. People can surprise you."

I lean towards the car door and critically assess the man next to me. "What do you know, Soo?"

Kyungsoo chuckles and eyes me out of his peripherals. "I'm just saying, Yixing. You of all people should know not to underestimate someone."

I blink steadily and take those words to heart. Kyungsoo isn't a man to say meaningless things, or comforting things with no substance. If Kyungsoo tells you something, it's because you need to hear it. Maybe I should give Junmyeon a chance to prove me wrong. Maybe I should be a bit more flexible. But is it really possible for a man who's used to standing on the peek of the highest mountain to meet the man who's been living at the base, half way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lovelies, heres the highly anticipated SuLay. I know you guys probably have a great deal of questions, and you're free to private message me with them, it I️ can't guarantee you'll get answers. Trust me, on most of his, it's easier if you guys just wait and see what happens. Also, if you guys get ideas or think you've figured out what's exactly going to happen, please keep it to yourself for now. If some of you do figure some things out, please don't ruin it for other readers. Thank you.
> 
> Also, how are you guys taking the fact that Yixing is a part of the scene? That the world Junmyeon is trying to keep him away from, is already a part of Yixing's? Interesting right. Keep reading, it gets better. 
> 
> I can't really say too much without giving away secrets, so that's all for this note. HunHan is up next. See you then.


	23. Shining Star (HunHan)

~Sehun~

The sound of my bag zipping close is way too loud in my large room. Technically it's supposed to be a double, but Tao hasn't slept in here with me since day one, so i get the over-sized room to myself. I don't mind. It gives me extra space to lay out my paintings and set up my drawling table and easel. 

The only thing that bothers me is being by myself so much. I'm not too fond of sleeping alone or being by myself for long periods of time. I spent years in isolation and I don't exactly enjoy it now. Though i tend to stick to myself and put out the loaner attitude, I actually hate being left alone. Yixing and Jongin understand this better than anyone, which is why i rarely wake up without one of my hyungs in my bed. I've even woken up a few times to multiple of them sharing the already cramped bed with me.

I don't know why they insist on babying me so much, but i also can't find it in myself to mind. Even Baekhyun Hyung. Though I'd never admit it to his face, i like it when he's attentive and caring. It makes me feel important and loved. Something i never really experienced growing up.

That's why, i guess, I've always relied on my hyungs so much. They show me the love and care my parents never did. My hyungs show me what it's like to actually have a family that wants you around. 

I glance at the official letter sitting on my bed, stamped with a signature and everything, as if they were addressing a client and not their son. This was something I was always accustom to, and i never thought anything of it, until i met Tao and he taught me how a real family should behave. Now their formality just feels cold and empty. A part of me wishes i could say they mean nothing to me, that my parents are just catalyst to bring me into this world so i can find my real family. But i know that's not true. They'll always be my parents.

Releasing a small sigh, i pick up the letter and shake my head before shoving the formal paper into my coat pocket. I sling my small overnight bag over my shoulder, and take one last stabilizing breath.

Yixing's words play through my head, almost reassuring "you don't have to do this, Hunnie. You don't owe them anything."

I know i don't have to do this, but a part of me knows I'll regret it if i don't take a chance to reach out to them. They are still my parents and despite everything, i do care about them.

As i walk down the stairs, warmth spreads through my chest at what i find waiting for me.

"Are you sure you don't want us to go with you?" Baekhyun asks, his eyes soft and almost glittery with unshed tears.

I chuckle and reach the bottom, instantly pulled into the arms of one of my (I'll never admit it) best friends. "I ... I'll be okay."

Tao bites his lip and growls lowly "why did Yixing have to go away this weekend. We all know he's the only person you would have accepted to go with you."

I take a deep breath, realizing this is probably more true than even they realize. Though i would love to have someone with me, i don't think they could really understand, nor could they unbiasedidly sit there and deal with what's about to happen.

Tao and Baekhyun would probably only make things worse going in there like mama bears, and Kris wouldn't let me go at all if it was up to him. The only one i trust to go and just be my supporting reassurance is Yixing.

"It'll be ok. They only asked for one dinner. I'll show up. They'll reprimand me and belittle me, then I'll politely tell them that I'm not changing who i am for them and we'll leave it at that." I say with a shrug, adjusting the strap of my overnight bag. Just a precaution. It wouldn't be the first time I've had to stop somewhere overnight to collect myself after a meeting with them.

Baekhyun reaches out and squeezes my shoulder gently, a rare moment of seriousness filling his eyes "we're just a phone call away, Hunnie. No matter what, we'll be there."

Tao steps forward and runs his fingers through my hair "Kris already told me that he has his keys guarded with his life. Call him and he'll be there faster than you can blink, baby."

I nod and smile slightly "you two are talking again?"

Tao sighs and brings his hand down to cup my cheek "we've always been able to put our personal things aside for you, Sehun. You come first for both of us."

I break first and reach out, pulling Tao into my arms and holding him tight "no matter what, you two are my real parents. You two are the best parents anyone could ever ask for and i don't care if our situation is odd, you'll always be my mom."

Tao chuckles and tightens his arms "just hurry home, my son. Our family isn't whole without you."

I nod and squeeze my best friend once again, thanking whatever higher power placed me in this man's hands just when i needed him. I seriously have no idea where i would have been without Tao. 

Baekhyun pinches my arm forcing us to separate, clearly expressing his own need for a hug. I give in for once, allowing him to comfort me in the only way Baekhyun knows how. Dramatic affection and clingy contact.

"Here" Baekhyun says, thrusting a lunchbox into my hands after we pull apart "i made this for you if you get hungry on the train."

I lift an eyebrow and stare at the man with hesitance.

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and pinches my arm again "fine, Jongdae made it. But i wrapped it... so technically i helped."

A sudden smile takes over my lips "you're an idiot," I say, causing Baekhyun's face to take on a sudden pout, but dissipates into a wide grin when, I lean forward and place a small kiss on his cheek, then add "but thank you"

When i reach the end of the driveway, i turn back to find my family, waving at me. Their expressions loving and concerned. This... this is my real home and i know that no matter what my parents have to say, this is where i will always return to. This is my everything. 

><><

~Luhan~

Bobbing my head gently as the music fills my ears, i stand on the platform waiting for the train to arrive. I missed the last train by seconds, hauling down the stairs just as it was pulling away. I curse myself once again. Usually I'm really good with being on time but for some reason no matter what i do, I've been running a few minutes late all day.

I look up at the time stamp, waiting to see when the next one will arrive and sigh. It's only a few minutes, but it's still a set back. I take out my phone to shoot my friends a message that I'll be a bit late, when i happen to glance left and halt in my actions. In fact my whole body freezes and my breath falls from my lips shallowly.

Sehun sits on a bench a few feet away from me, curled in on himself and seeming to be going through a war in his head. He looks different today than usual. His normal skinny jeans and tight T-shirt is exchanged for a loose fitting pair of dress pants, like he hasn't worn them in years and has lost weight since. And a tight soft blue button up shirt fits snugly across his shoulders, like he's gained a whole wingspan since he wore it. Oddly it doesn't look bad on him, just isn't my... isn't Sehun.

The last time i saw him was a couple of days ago at the club. I expected Sehun to ignore me, go out of his way to avoid me, after what happened with Ailee. Instead he talked to me when he had to, addressed me in a polite formal way, and seemed to look right through me when we made eye contact. Honestly, i think it would have been easier if he would have ignored me. Empty eyed, stone-faced Sehun is kind of terrifying and heartbreaking at the same time.

In part, i kind of want to ignore Sehun and move on with my evening. But the way he's hunched over, and his shoulder slightly tremble has my feet moving before my head can even catch up.

"Sehun?" I call out when I'm finally standing in front of the way too small seeming boy.

Sehun lifts his head quickly, his eyes wide and searching on autopilot. Funny, i do the same when i hear his voice. It just took me forever to realize that my heart had become so in-tune with the rhythm of his vocal cords.

"Luhan?" Sehun asks, my name trembling across his lips. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same. You look kind of lost." I point out, hoping maybe addressing it will snap him out of whatever head-space he's in.

Sehun's eyebrows knit and he shakes his head, lowering his gaze "I'm not sure i can do this. I had so much confidence this morning, but now... i just cant bring myself to get on the train."

My chest clenches at how desperate he sounds and i crouch down in front of him, despite every fiber of my being telling me that this is a bad idea. I reach out and grab his hands, shivering at how cold they are. Seriously, why isn't he wearing gloves?

"What can't you do, Sehun? What's wrong?" I ask, trying to understand.

Sehun sighs and pulls his hand away, and i have push down the sting that leaves behind, before he's reaching into his pocket. He produces a small paper that looks like it's been folded and unfolded a thousand times, as well as crumpled a few.

I take the page from him, clear that he's offering it to me and open it up. My stomach clenches as if i had just been punched. The letter basically asks for Sehun to attend a dinner with his parents. I wouldn't have found it too odd if not for knowing the circumstances, and if not for the way the letter reads.

It's too formal, too dry. This letter looks like it should be inviting a business associate or a client to dinner, not their own son. It's even signed with an official seal. Like it was even written by a secretary, not his parents themselves. My heart breaks further for the boy in front of me.

"And you're going?" i ask, unable to keep the venom out of my voice.

Sehun nods pathetically, his eyes never once leaving the floor "at least i was trying to. Usually i have Yixing with me and i thought i was fine going alone, but for some reason this bench has become way too comfy."

I might have laughed at his small attempt at a joke if his words hadn't evolved into a small sob at the end.  I take in the boy before me and he looks way too terrified for a child that's going home to see his parents. 

Once again my body moves before i'm able to comprehend what's happening. I pull Sehun forward and let his head rest against my shoulder as my arms wrap around his. It's slightly awkward, but by the way he breathes in and slightly relaxes, i know it's what he needs.

I'm not sure how long we sit there, but neither of us seem to want to move. Earlier conflict forgotten in the sake of comfort. My hands soothes up and down his back, writing Chinese characters across its wide expanse, secretly confessing things i may never be able to say aloud. I really wish i could give Sehun everything he wants, everything he deserves. 

Sehun suddenly sits up and blinks at me steadily, his eyebrows furrowing. He opens his mouth, but stops, seeming to think better of it and sighs, glancing away. It's a habit of Sehun's i noticed a while ago. He always seems like he has something important to say, but never voices it. I wonder if it's something his parents programmed in to him. I wonder if he feels like his words aren't important enough to be heard.

The thought of Sehun going to his parents alone, is abruptly unsettling. Like this, he seems so vulnerable, so breakable, and the thought of leaving him to stand up to his parents alone leaves a painful clenching sensation in my chest. I try to push away the intense instincts telling me to protect this child with everything i have, but the more i push, the stronger the need becomes. I can't honestly justify walking away from this kid now.

"Sehun... can i go with you?" i question, causing the boy's eyes to snap back to mine "will you let me go with you to your parents?" i further clarify when he's silent for a few beats.

My mind screams at me to take it back and that this is a really bad idea, but when Sehun's eyes sparkle with vulnerability and he nods slightly, i can't bring myself to regret it.

><><

~Sehun~

"No way" Luhan's loud voice stops me up short.

I swallow the unpleasant bile that's been rising in my throat since we left the station and wipe my sweaty hands on the front of my pants. "What?" i ask, preoccupied with the loud, ominous pounding of my heart.

Luhan scoffs, causing me to lift my head to blink at him "don't 'what' me, Oh Sehun. Your house is a fucking mansion? This isn't even a mansion, actually this is the house that people in mansions dream of having. This is a fucking estate, Sehun. Holy shit."

I lift an eyebrow, slightly amused and shake my head "this isn't my house. It's my parents. They made that clear when they kicked me out of it."

Luhan's lips pull down and a sort of regret fills his eyes. One I've seen on many of my friends faces. I don't need their pity though. I made my choices and my parents made theirs. 

It doesn't stop the anxiety pitting in my stomach, though. Staring up at the house that i could never bring myself to call home. The house that i grew up in, but never felt comfortable in. I remember feeling way too cold in this place, and now looking at it, instead of longing or comfort like most kids would, i just feel empty.

"Hey," luhan says, coming closer to me and grabbing at my wrist "you don't have to do this, Sehun. We could leave right now. We could go get bubble tea and spend the rest of the evening at pet shops playing with the puppies."

My lips part and i find Luhan's eyes, realizing for the first time how much he knows me. Honestly i'd give anything to have that evening, have that kind of happiness over what i'm about go through, but i know i'll regret it if i don't at least try. They may be fine having a disconnected relationship with their son, but i know my heart, and i know that if i don't try to at least meet them half way, i'll never let myself be content with how we left things. 

This isn't our first meeting since they kicked me out. I've been back to this place many times to try to smooth things over with them, to try to find a common ground, but it's always the same. They say their side, what they want from me, and refuse to listen to my side. It's almost like they refuse to admit that their son could possibly be his own person. I think that's Tao's influence on me, that makes me want to believe that there's good in them. That there's more to them than they've given me. It's my hope that brings me here every time.

"I have to, Lu. They're my parents. I have to try." I say, sliding my arm up, my hand finding his and stealing comfort from it's warmth. 

luhan fixes me with an important expression, one that i'm sure will affect me years to come, and says haunting words that i'm sure will do the same "would they do the same for you?"

I take that in as well as a large breath, unprepared for what that sentence causes me to feel. Luhan's hand tightens around mine and seems fully prepared to drag me away from this place, but a loud, stern call of my name stops us in our tracks.

My father stands at the front door, his hands in his pockets and his eyes boring holes into our joined hands. To anyone else, i'm sure he looks casual, but i know that look. I know the words waiting to be loudly expressed, while that look is firmly pressed onto his face, having been on the other side of them many times. I know the anger and hostility that hides itself behind that carefully placed mask.

"We can still leave. Let you be the one to walk away for once." Luhan says, despite my feet moving us forward as if having been commanded just by my fathers stare.

I shake my head and slide my hand out of Luhan's not missing the sharp look i get in response out of the corner of my eye, and lead us up the stairs. I repress a chuckle at Luhan's huff of annoyance and wonder if he could give Baekhyun a run for his money in the sass department if he really wanted to. I just hope it isn't a repeat of the time i actually did bring Baek with me. I'm sure my parents are still cleaning small penises off the walls and floors. I'm telling you, give Baekhyun a sharpie and twenty minutes and he's unstoppable.

Baekhyun is no longer welcome in my parents home.

"Son" my father greets me, once we're inside and the maids have taken our coats. "You're late."

I give my father a short nod, ignoring the nagging jab. "Father. Good to see you too." I glance over at Luhan who gives me an expectant eyebrow raise. "this is Luhan, a friend of mine from school."

I intentionally withhold the information about our mutual place of work, because last time that i had mentioned the club, it didn't go over very well. Being indirectly called a prostitute by your own father stings more than you'd think it would.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Lu Han" my father expresses in perfect mandarin.

My father extends a hand and Luhan, falters for a few seconds in his surprise, but then just nods and shakes my fathers hand firmly. "Of course it is" he replies in his mother tongue, and gives my father a critiqing once over, humming thoughtfully. 

I've never seen my father's eye twitch in such a satisfying manner. I push back the smile threatening to pull at my lips, and cough into my hand. Even up against my father, someone many describe as charming, charismatic, and intimidating, Luhan stands his own. I've never been more infatuated with him as i am in this moment.

Maybe tonight won't be that bad.

....

~Luhan~

"How are your studies, Sehun?" Sehun's mother asks, she had joined us earlier before dinner started. I realized quickly that Sehun got his looks from her. 

She's beautiful, stunning in her delicate yet sharp features. The only difference is the warmth in Sehun's eyes that is completly devoid in her own. I suddenly notice all of the telling emotions that regularly enter Sehun's eyes. If you didn't know what you were looking for, you'd miss them, but looking at someone who has his very eyes and seeing them vacant really puts everything into perspective. Sehun communicates with his eyes, not his expressions. I lock that away for future use and glance to Sehun who chews the bite of food he had just taken fully before swallowing.

"Good. My grades are all up, though i'm having a bit of trouble with one of my professors." Sehun explains, glancing up expectantly, then lowers his eyes dejectedly when no one meets them. My chest aches when it's clear that his parents could care less about their child's struggles, as they hum in disinterest. Tao and Yixing would have talked to him for two hours trying to come up solutions and offering help. A lot of things are coming into perspective tonight.

"What's your course-load like?" Sehun's father asks, sounding almost bored as he fixes his son with a critical and intimidating expression.

"Um... I'm taking an accounting class, two required university courses and two elective courses." Sehun says quickly, looking down at the table. This is clearly a touchy subject for them and i find my anxiety prickling in my stomach for a some reason.

"Elective courses? I thought you got most of those out of the way last year?" His father asks, his tone accusing. I'm surprised he knows what Sehun took last year, but then again monitoring Sehun's academics is probably one of the few things he pays attention to about his son.

"Well... i can take more than the required. Just picking up a few extra interest classes." Sehun reasons, his shoulders tensing more and more.

Sehun's father sets his jaw and narrows his eyes at Sehun, but just so discreetly that someone would have missed it if they hadn't had been watching closely. "And what are these extra classes?"

Sehun sets his chopsticks down and folds his hands on his lap, as if he's waiting for something, and nervously plays with his fingers "just some art classes" he mumbles so lightly even i have to strain to hear.

The man across the table nearly growls in frustration "speak clearly, Sehun. How many times do i have to scold you about your mumbling"

Sehun straitens, obviously an act that's been drilled into his head repeatedly over many years, and speaks up "I'm taking some art classes."

Mr. Oh's eye twitches once again and sighs a bit too dramatically for my taste. Sehun sits back in his chair and says "here we go" lowly under his breath, so only i hear. 

"Still with that damn hobby of yours? Don't you think it's about time to get serious about your future, Sehun? You're an adult now, and you need to let go of this ridiculous notion of becoming an artist" he says, adding air quotes to "artist", like it's a completly made up occupation.

I have to admit that being an artist isn't as lucrative as whatever the hell Sehun's father does, but Sehun's exceptionally talented. It even insults me to hear the way he belittles Sehun's dream and passion. I understand now why Sehun has yet to choose a major and why he insists on taking ridiculous classes like accounting. It's because of this asshole. Even though Sehun's father wants nothing to do with him if he can't control him and isn't even paying for a fraction of Sehun's school or living expenses, he still has his hand clutched tightly around Sehun's every decision.

Sehun licks over his lips and fidgets anxiously. It's almost painful to watch someone who's usually so confident and collected turn into a close to trembling, submissive child. "I like art. Expressing myself creatively puts my mind and heart at ease. It gives me meaning and makes me happy."

I smile at that, loving the light that enters Sehun's eyes, even if it's small, when he talks about his art. I glance over at Mr. Oh, expecting him to be at least a bit considerate of his son's words, and for a second i think he's actually mulling it over, until, "that's nonsense. Being happy and putting your heart at ease won't pay the bills, Sehun. You're a grown ass man, or at least i thought you were. It's time to face up and get serious." Sehun's father nearly shouts, causing Sehun to further regress in on himself, and i have to force myself not to pull him into my arms. That would probably just make things worse at this point. "Now, there's an internship open at our company this summer. You'll take that and move back home. It's time to let go of that silly frat you've been holding on to, no good will come of that, and no good woman wants to marry a man who wasted his time with such a stupid thing."

Sehun bites at his lips and hunches in on himself, his way too broad shoulders looking painful the way their bunched. 

"Speaking of which," Sehun's father continues "We had a discussion with Mr. Choi from Kim and Choi law firm, you know the large corporate law-firm that regularly takes on our cases, and it turns out that his daughter recently graduated from law school. She's a few years older than you, but she'd make an excellent wife. We need to get that ball rolling as soon as possible as well, a smart match like that won't wait for you to get off your ass and decide to be a grownup."

"I don't want to get married. Especially to a woman" Sehun says in a small voice.

Sehun's father sighs, his hand twitching against the table, like he wants nothing more than to slap some sense into his son. He won't lay a hand on Sehun. I guaran-fucken-tee it. "Sehun i'm tired of this. How long are you going to play around until you're ready to get serious? How much longer are you going to behave like a bratty, rebellious child? Quit wasting your time and grow the hell up."

"Enough" no one is more surprised by that word leaving my mouth than me.

"Excuse me?" Sehun's father has the audacity to look offended.

I roll my eyes and huff out a disbelieving breath. "Yes, excuse you. How dare you speak to Sehun that way"

The older man locks his jaw and narrows his eyes at me. "The way i speak to my son is none of your business."

"Someone has to step in. You speak to your son as if he's a delinquent who spends his time getting drunk and sleeping around. Sehun is one of the most talented and hardest working people I've ever met. He works himself silly trying to make perfect grades while keeping up with a job and also being active in his fraternity. You have no reason to be anything but proud of your son and if you can't see that, you really have no right to any part of his future."

"Luhan..." i hear beside me, but i hold up a hand letting him know that i'm far from done.

"And if all of that isn't enough, your son has one of the most extraordinary hearts I've ever come into contact with. He's so kind, caring, and empathetic. I've never met anyone like him, who is just so earnest and pure. Especially when it comes to his art. Have you ever seen anything of his? He's so incredibly talented. How can you possibly say he won't be successful when he creates things so raw and beautiful? You're son is amazing and a gift to anyone he comes in contact with and it truly breaks my heart that you can't see that. You don't deserve to be in his life, and there's no way in hell i'm letting him end up like you." i spit out, gritting my teeth at this man who i have the deepest distaste for.

Sehun's father sneers at me and glances at his son "what is he to you? Is he your 'boyfriend', Sehun?" he asks, not even bothering to hide his disgust. 

Sehun fidgets further and shakes his head, forcing me to regret standing up for him. Of course i should have known that the backlash would have just been focused on Sehun.

Mr. Oh laughs in disbelief. "Always so pathetic. You repeatedly show up here with faggot boys, who look more like girls than boys and have them defend you. Proud? You have to be kidding me. My disappointment just increases more and more each time i see you walk in here, followed by a mouthy, pretentious, whorish, feminine,-"

"Okay, enough." This time, it didn't come from me. "You can say what you will about me, but leave them out of it, especially Luhan. They are my family, something you'll never understand. They taught me about love and acceptance and believe in me. You never saw me as anything other than another investment that you can gain success from, but those guys, they really fucking love me. My home is wherever they are and honestly i don't know why i even come here anymore." Sehun stands and gives his mother acknowledgment for the first time since this fight started "I guess i just had hope that maybe my parents might actually care about me and my life for once, but i see now that human emotions are too much to ask for."

For a second i see a sliver of regret and hurt pass through Mrs. Oh's eyes, before her face hardens over and returns to the neutrality I've seen on Sehun's face a few times. She looks away and Sehun nods, reaching out to grab my hand. I stand automatically and he holds on tighter, causing me to smile.

The sneer, still rest on Mr. Oh's face, when i glance back at him, but there's also something resting in his eyes i'm surprised by. It's almost impressed.

"Goodbye, Mr. Oh., Mrs. Oh. I hope you have a pleasant life." Sehun squeezes my hand once more and then pulls me out of the house that i can see now, doesn't even suit Sehun. 

A small, two story home, complete with a living room just big enough for a group of boys to crowd around a small couch, a kitchen that has stains and scuffs that hold memories of laughter and loud voices, and bedrooms that have the ghosts of love, acceptance, and comfort living in them. Sehun's home looks like a porch full of boys sitting around waiting with bright smiles, and arms open for the missing piece of their family to slide back into place... and it's starting to look a hell of a lot like my home too.

><><

"Do you know why I'm so closed off to people?" Sehun asks quietly, though his voice echoes through the too quiet subway car.

Realizing this is the first time Sehun's spoke a word since we left his parents house, i turn my head quickly and blink at him in surprise.

"I just figured it was because you were shy." I say, knowing he'll prove me wrong, but something in his tone makes me wish he wouldn't.

Sehun shakes his head slowly, his eyes coming closed for too long not to be remembering some buried pain that should have stayed that way. "I was kind of programmed to keep everyone at arms length. I had a really shitty childhood. I'm sure you guessed that much, but i cant exactly recall ever being happy when i was a kid. My parents were too busy, too wrapped in their own lives to give me anything to be happy about. I was expected to be young master Oh. The progeny of Mr. and Ms. Oh, business tycoons and dominants of their field. I was so busy living up to everyone else's expectations that i forgot that i was an actual person."

Sehun pauses and against my instincts i reach out and take his hand. He squeezes once, seeming to appreciate the comfort. "That sounds like it was hard."

The younger takes a deep breath and laughs bitterly. A sound i never want to hear again. It's almost like you can hear the cracks in his heart in the tone of it.

"It was the most excruciating numbness you can ever imagine." Sehun explains, his voice full of emotions he clearly hasn't expressed in a long time. "i was so empty and hallow that i functioned completly on autopilot. I went through my days smiling when i was told to. laughing when directed to. But never showing any semblance of my own emotions, because i didn't really have any. By the time i was in high school, i was barely costing through life. My days consisted of what i was told to do and i didn't know how to live any other way. When i met Tao, it was by pure coincidence. We were paired together on a project for our art class. The teacher wanted us to create a piece that had both of our personalities in it." Sehun pauses and smiles sadly "it took Tao days to get me to actually contribute, and the rest of the semester to get me to open up to him. He made me discover that it wasn't for the lack of a personality, but for the lack of an outlet to express myself. Tao encouraged me to pursue art and the more i worked, the more i came out of my shell."

A small smile touches my lips and i run my thumb over his hand "i can see why you love Tao so much now. He opened you up and brought the Sehun we all love into the light. You're an amazing artist, Sehun, and an even more amazing person. So smart and beautiful. I don't know why anyone would want you to push that away or live as anyone other than yourself."

Sehun's cheeks pink an adorable shade of blush and his tongue nervously darts out to wet his lips "It took me a while to find confidence in myself. After Tao kind of forced me out of my shell, i had an extremely hard time with myself. Tao was my first kiss, actually." He chuckles, "But he turned me down."

I scoff playfully and push down the pang of jealousy "how could he turn you down? I thought you two were together for a while. You're kind of perfect together."

Sehun sits back against the train seat and stares ahead for a few seconds "After i realized that i was attracted to men and further realized that i felt deeply for my best friend, i spiraled into a really dark place. Tao noticed too. My paintings and drawings started getting darker. I started reverting in on myself again, and i even started doing things to numb a bit of the pain. I wanted to feel something other than what i was feeling. A worse pain to take over." My pulse nearly stops, stuttering as realization takes over at what he's meaning. I can't bring myself to ask, though. I just can't form the words, too stunned that my perfect, beautiful Sehun would ever do that to himself. I just squeeze his hand, encouraging him to keep going.

"My parents of course didn't help" he says, continuing. "On good days they ignored me, but on bad every move was criticized. Suddenly their perfect little puppet that always did and acted as they expected had feelings and acted in ways they couldn't control. My father did everything he could to break me, to push me back into his little box, but i just couldn't. I couldn't go back to that emotionless, shell of a person, no matter how much i prayed to. Everything would have been so much easier if i could have repressed everything and went back. Tao showed me a world of discovery and creativity, of self actualization, and freedom. I just couldn't go back after that." Sehun takes a deep breath and his lips trembles "Tao found me at the end of our freshman year, in the bathtub, two days after my birthday, my stomach full of pills and my lungs full of water. He dragged me out of the water and stuck his fingers down my throat, saving my life. He didn't even say a word, just saved me and held me in his arms on the bathroom floor, until i fell asleep. When i woke up later that night, Tao was still wrapped around me. That's when i kissed him, he kissed me back, but i could tell that he felt nothing of romantic love for me."

A ragged breath fills my lungs, and i have to blink quickly to stop the tears from spilling over. I never knew such a pain could ever exist in my chest. I never knew that i could ache this much over someone else's scars. I remain quiet, not exactly knowing what to say or how to make this better, but somehow i don't think i can, and i honestly don't think he needs me to. Sometimes just being there speaks louder than any comforting words ever could.

"I told my parents two days later that i was gay and moved into Tao's that evening after they kicked me out. My father looked at me like i was a stranger and my mother looked like a promising business deal just fell through. It made me realize how much they never truly knew me. How much they never wanted to know me." Sehun explains, tugging my hand gently "i know how hard it is to be real with yourself, Luhan. I know how hard it is to be true and to live with the consequences. But i also know how hard it is to live a lie. To try to force yourself into a box you outgrew a long time ago. All you're doing is hurting not only those involved, but most importantly yourself." Sehun finally turns to me and his eyes are soft, caring "Did you know, that my parents have a division of their company in Beijing? I learned Chinese when i was a child, Lu. Spoken and Written." he explains letting the weight of his words fully crash onto my shoulders.

I swallow thickly and stare into this boys eyes, the intense understanding settling around us so heavily i can feel it fill my lungs with every breath "S-Sehun"

"All of those things you said back there, hold true for you too, Luhan. You're such an amazing person. Your existence literally lights up anyone's world who is lucky enough to be close to you. You are the brightest star standing among the darkest night and nothing will ever change the way you shine. Nothing will ever make the people who truly love you feel anything less. You deserve the world, but the world doesn't deserve you. You're so strong and brave, but you have to be who you are, Luhan, because living a half life isn't really living at all. Please trust me on that." 

Sehun squeezes my hand once more, his lips curving at the end and i know my attempts of holding back tears have failed when he lifts a hand to catch the wetness on his finger. I breathe out a rough breath and wonder how the gods even thought up such a being as Oh Sehun. He's too precious for this realm. He truly belongs among the heavens, and yet he's sitting next to me on a train, giving me one of the most accepting and understanding looks I've ever seen.

I feel it before i see it happen. The atmosphere changes, as Sehun leans forward, pausing briefly before his lips touch mine. His lips aren't as soft as i imagined, chapped because of the cold, but the carefulness of them makes up for it. For once i give in, and let myself fall into it. I allow myself to be true to myself and enjoy the serge of electricity running all the way from my lips to my toes. Before i know it though, and honestly before i'm ready, he's pulling away. I realize that i had closed my eyes, but snap them open when i feel him stand next to me. 

The train comes to a stop, our exit standing before us, and i don't have time to think before Sehun's guiding us onto the platform and heading for the stairs. My mind is a jumble of confusion and uncertainty all the way back to campus. I've been over this a thousand times in my head, but after today nothing feels right anymore. My earlier convictions and decisions seem so unimportant and even ridiculous. Sehun went through so much just to be who he is, and what i'm doing is so cowardly compared to that. 

He says he understands me and what i'm going through, but truly my experience pales in comparison to how hard Sehun had to fight, how hard he's still fighting. Even when he came to me, so open and honest about his feelings, he was fighting. Knowing what i know now, i realize how hard that had to have been for him and immediately feel guilt and regret settle over myself. I've been making it so hard on him, when it's a struggle every day for him to get out of bed and be who he is.

Sehun says i'm strong and brave, but when i look at the man walking confidently next to me, his hand reassuringly pressed into my own, I realize that he hasn't spent a lot of time looking at his own reflection. This is the personification of strength. To stand next to the person you care about and shamelessly love them, openly and proudly. Sehun's the real star, because i'm so dim next to his radiance. 

Sehun squeezes my hand, which i return and he glances over at me, a small happy smile painting his lip. I'm grounded in that moment, realizing that i don't mind being lackluster next to Oh Sehun, when he looks at me with every bit of love and warmth in his heart, i know that i'll never have to go through the darkest nights alone, ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit hard for me to write emotionally. In light of recent events, the subject talked about in this chapter might be a bit difficult on some readers. Please trust me that it was planned from the beginning and i didn't intend to upset anyone. Understand that suicide should never be an option and just like Sehun, there are always people who love and care about you. Whatever you're going through or wherever your life is, things will get better and you are stronger than it all. 
> 
> You are all loved so much and i truly mean that. 


	24. It's only kidnap if you're mad about it (xiuchen)

Chanyeol's breath and my own mix together in a large cloud of mist. Our labored huffs echoing off the ally walls as we move towards my car. 

"Fuck, Chen. I'm not sure i can go any further." Chanyeol protests, his arms trembling and threatening to give out any second from the strain, as he braces himself against the wall for a second.

I groan and shift my weight, trying to take some of the work out of his hands for a few beats "we're almost there, Yeol. Come on, you can do this." I say in a hushed voice, trying to keep quiet in the early morning, not wanting to get caught doing such a thing in broad daylight.

Chanyeol whines and flexes his arms, shifting the weight around, as I pull away for a second. He gives me a desperate look, clearly telling me to hurry up. "It's too much."

I roll my eyes at the over-dramatic crybaby. "I know you can take more than this, I've seen you do it many times. Relax and quit tensing, you're only making it worse."

Chanyeol groans and lowers his head, shifting his weight once more. "Please just hurry."

I hum, and turn around, opening the car door. I push the seat back, and move out of the way just in time to watch Chanyeol, wobbly legs and all, put a very much passed out Minseok into the passenger seat of my car. Minseok garbles a bit in his sleep and rolls onto his side slightly. Cute.

Once i get the seatbelt fashioned around him, i step back and observe a very sore looking Chanyeol, who's currently rubbing relief into his arms. A part of me feels bad for making him carry Minseok all the way to my car, mostly by himself, but another part of me knows that i wouldn't have had the strength to carry him dead weight across the cafe to the back exit on my own.

"Thanks, Yeol. Trust me, i know he's heavier than he looks when he's passed out." I say, helping Chanyeol rub some blood back into his bicep. 

Chanyeol shakes his head and stares at a still sleeping Minseok, now drooling on my leather interior. Adorable. "Just take care of him. He hasn't slept properly in four days and has been working nonstop. He needs this."

I pat Chanyeol's shoulder and nod, "I'll make sure he gets the rest he needs, though with the way he's sleeping, he might not need it. I'm surprised he stayed out with all of the whining you did while bringing him out here."

Chanyeol pouts at me for the jibe, before a sheepish look crosses his face. "I might have slipped some sleep medicine in his coffee this morning when he wasn't paying attention."

I blink steadily ahead before slowly turning my gaze on my younger student "i don't know whether to be impressed or pissed..." i sigh and shake my head "I'm going to leave before I decide it's pissed."

"Bye, Hyung. See you Sunday." Chanyeol waves, his smile way too excited to watch me leave.

My eyes narrow on instinct and i point a finger at the boy, threateningly "You guys better fucking behave while I'm gone. I swear to god, Chanyeol. You guys better be like virgins at bible school, or so help me..."

"Got it, dad. We'll behave. Promise." Chanyeol grins and waves at me as I get into the car, praying that i won't be called to bail one, if not all of those idiots out of jail this weekend.

>>>>

Okay, so realistically this might not have been the best idea. When Chanyeol had first introduced this gem of a plan to me, I'd thought it sounded good, fun even. But now, as i stare at Minseok's ridged back, overhearing faint angry sounding murmurs, I'm second guessing a few things. 

The drive down here was pleasant, with Minseok sleeping most of the time. The scenery outside the car, plush and green as we passed small towns and farms, eventually giving way to costal views and more populated cities. I hummed pleasantly along with the radio the whole way, feeling lighter and lighter the further we get from Seoul. Don't get me wrong, i love the city and it will always be my home, but when I'm there the heavy burden of responsibilities stretch me a bit thin sometimes. It's nice to get away. Or, at least i felt that way, until my slumbering passenger fell back into consciousness.

"Min-"

"Don't." Minseok warns, his voice heavy with frustration.

A sigh pushes from my lips and i grab my phone out of my pocket and place it in the car, along with the keys. I'll just let Mr. Crabby-pants seethe for a bit, but this is somewhat of my vacation too, and I'm not wasting it. 

"Where are you going?" Minseok asks before i can even get a few feet from the car.

I glance over my shoulder and shrug "I'm going to let you be pissed in silence. I haven't had a weekend off to do as i please in a long time, Seok."

Minseok scoffs and rolls his eyes "that water is freezing, Jongdae. Don't be a dumbass."

Releasing a huge sigh, i take a big step backwards, pulling my shirt over my head "Listen, you can be mad all you want about the whole kidnapping thing, but you were starting to look sickly and we were worried about you. I know you're stressed about your apartment and you want to unburden yourself from us as soon as possible, but one, killing yourself to do so isn't right, and two, we actually really like having you around. Take a fucking break, Minseok. Allow yourself to breath for a damn minute and relax."

Minseok's eyebrows bunch together, his eyes softening as he realizes the actual intent of this weekend, but he says nothing. I take that as his explanation of needing some space and nod, leaving him there as i head towards the cool, sparkling blue water. It's practically calling my name.

......

I pull out of the water, not caring about the stupidly large grin on my face. Something about water just puts my mind at ease. The feeling of it surrounding my body, relaxing my bones and soothing my muscles. It makes me feel alive and calm at the same time. I can never get enough of the feeling of being weightless, spreading through the crystal clear blue as if it were viscous air. It centers my soul, balances my being. 

After my inevitable rock bottom, i spent two months on an island in the middle of fucking nowhere, detoxing. It was hell, and i was miserable. There wasn't a drop of alcohol in sight though, so it was either fight and come out on the other side stronger, or give up and throw myself into those waves. I didn't make that choice on my own. 

Those waves welcomed me as their own at my lowest point, but clearly decided that i was worthy of something better. I woke up the next morning, achy as hell and coughing up seawater out of my lungs, while laying on the beach, watching the sunrise. It was one of the most beautiful sights I've ever bear witness to. I'll never be able to show my appreciation to whatever water gods showed me mercy and gave me a second chance. 

"You look at home in there." Minseok comments. He's now sitting on the beach, knees drawn up, drawling aimless doodles on the sand with a stick.

A small smile touches my lips as i drop down onto the sand next to the pouty chipmunk "i feel at home in there."

Minseok glances up, his eyes meeting mine before he bites his lip and looks away. "i didn't know you had an affinity for water."

I can't help the smirk that touches my lips, "we've been through a lot together."

The stare i get from that nearly burns into the side of my head, but i choose to ignore it. I don't feel the need to explain that one just yet.

Thankfully, he doesn't push it, and continues to draw his doodles "I didn't know you had tattoo's." Minseok comments instead.

I jolt slightly, remembering my half clothed state and snort "I'm sure there's a lot you don't know."

The pout returns to his face and he take a deep breath "you're being vague."

I shrug and shake some of the water out of my hair  "trying not to step on landmines."

Minseok straightens at that and sighs "i haven't been fair to you, have i?"

A chuckle falls from my lips before i can stop it "You kind of have every right, Minnie."

"I don't though. You're a good guy. Obviously you've changed, and you're trying. I should be giving you a chance to prove yourself. I promised you that. But here i am, getting pissy and placing a wall between us again." Minseok says, throwing his stick to emphasis his frustration with himself.

"Minseok. I'm not expecting this to be easy. I'm not expecting you to immediately fall into my arms and forgive everything. Clearly, both of us know what i want.  I'm willing to work and be patient for it... for you." I explain, taking a breath of fresh air as i finally lay what i want out there for both of us to see. 

There's no running from it now. It's out there for both of us now. Minseok know's that i want him. Friendship is nice, but now that I've gotten a taste of what it's like to have Minseok in my life since he's been staying at the house, i want more. I want him. Everyday. I want to wake up to the smell of Minseok on my pillows, and the feeling of him in my arms. I want to spend my days arguing with Minseok about how many cups of coffee he drinks, or how i shouldn't call off class as much as i do. I want to plan a life with this small man next to me and call him mine.

Something happens when you spend your days living hour to hour. When the most important thing is the next party. The next warm body. The next thing to dull your emotions and you can only see as far ahead as the next bottle. When things settle and you pull away from that, you crave simplicity. You want the little things and someone to share them with. I'm just hoping Minseok wants the same. I've lived my life. I've done the wild college, freedom shit. Saw the other side and i was far from impressed. I'm ready to settle down and i would love to have Minseok next to me on that next adventure.

"I've spent half of my life on that damn coffee shop, Dae." Minseok says, taking me by surprise for a second. I remain silent, waiting for him to gather his thoughts. "I spent so much time, so much effort, poring so much of myself into that cafe. I built it from the ground up. It's been my dream since i was a kid, and i... i never had much time for anything else."

Sitting back on my hands, i nod thoughtfully. I know what he's getting at. Minseok hasn't had much time to think about himself or what he wants. He was so busy cultivating his dream, he never got around to planning his future once he achieved it. Somehow it sounds eerily similar to the boy who didn't want to grow up and never got around to taking his future seriously until it's staring him in the eyes and calling him a name he never knew he wanted desperately to hear.

"You should still feel proud." i say, wondering if Minseok is missing the biggest picture here. "Even if you didn't have much time for anything else, and you're sitting there, wondering what the hell to do now. You still made something amazing. You still succeeded in creating your dream. You built a successful business, with warmth and passion in it's very bones. That's... that's something to be damn proud of, Minnie."

Minseok's eyes shine with emotions i'm not exactly familiar with and he offers me the sweetest smile I've ever seen. I wish more than anything that my memory chooses to capsulize this smile and hold onto it. I might need it when i'm old and grey, and need to look back on the moments in my life that truly meant something.

"What was your dream, Dae? What did you want when you were younger?" Minseok asks, his eyes casting out to sea, seeming dazed by the dancing breaks.

I groan and collapse back onto my forearms "I hate that question."

"I'm serious." Minseok says, nudging me.

My lips pull into a cringe and i take in a large breath "getting laid and getting high."

"That's not a dream, Dae. I mean when you were younger. What did you aspire to do?" Minseok asks.

"Honestly?" Minseok nods and turns back to me with wide, honest eyes. Like he's waiting for me to bestow the secret of life to him. "I wanted to be a writer. To create beautiful worlds other than our own. I wanted to be one of the people that wrote the safe, magical places to escape to that i had religiously fled to when i was younger."

I remember the years of my youth. Instead of going out and playing in the dirt or getting scuffed up climbing trees, i escaped into new worlds. Books were my happy place and i spent years with my nose buried in them. It was a silly dream to believe that i could be one of those people orchestrating those worlds.

"What changed?" Minseok asks, his tone unsurpirsed, much to my own.

I shrug, uncommitted. The truth of a child's lost dream in the face of reality still stings a little. "I did."

He looks like he wants to fight my half-assed answer, but thankfully drops it... sort of. "So, what's your new dream then?"

Here we go with that one. It's a common theme they love to talk about in AA. What now? Where is your life going now? It's not enough that you got your shit together, got sober, and are now holding down a steady, well paying job. No, you have to have dreams and aspirations. Apparently getting clean, comes with the notion that you're lead by a deeper meaning. I just was tired of being so fucking tired. That's really it. I looked at my life and decided that i was over it and pushed myself. I went through hell to get there, but it was all worth it. For him, it was worth it.

The truth is, i don't have much of a direction. I don't know if teaching is my new dream. I don't know if it's just a stepping stone, or if i'm just content living a simple life, but i know there's really one thing i truly want. 

"To be happy." i say simply, "my new dream is to be truly happy."

Minseok gives me an odd look, like he had just met me for the fist time and is trying to figure me out. I guess in some sort he kind of did.

He smiles then, almost like he's holding onto a secret that he'll never share "maybe that can be my dream too... to be happy?"

My heart stutters in my chest and i have to force myself to breathe. Minseok's just so beautiful sometimes, and he never fails to surprise me. I finally let my whole body fall to the sand and cover my eye with my arm. Maybe it's not as far fetched as it sounds. Two people moving forward together without a plan, but always with a clear goal in mind. To find happiness. It's almost impossible not to feel hopeful.

When i look up, and Minseok glances down at me with a small smile on his lips, i'm overwhelmed with a sense of peace... it's almost like watching a sunrise after a second chance. It's stunning, heartwarming, and full of promise.

>>>>

 

~Minseok~

It's kind of amusing actually. Watching Jongdae tiptoe around our hotel room, organizing things and shuffling through things that really are fine the way they are. He's being cautious and i kind of feel bad about that. But it's also fucking funny.

At first i was mad. Like really mad. Like making Jongdae stop on the side of the road so i could be upset without wrecking one of us, kind of mad. When Jongdae explained what was really going on though and why i'm here, my anger drained. 

We had a moment on the beach. A wonderful moment where Jongdae was actually real with me for a minute and acted mature. I heard him. Saw him. I keep forgetting how much we're alike now. 

Once Jongdae calmed down and his soul seemed to stop wondering, he's leveled into the person i only got glimpses of back in college. Could it really be possible that the direction we're heading in could converge? Is it possible to want that same things going ahead? Can i really afford to hope?

Jongdae stops in his pacing of the room and looks up at me, his tongue swiping nervously over his lips for a second and opens his mouth, before thinking better of it and going back to his erratic behavior.

I snort, causing him to turn towards me in surprise with confused eyes. I shake my head and climb off the bed i claimed when we got here. 

"I'm hungry. I'm going to get some food." i announce, finding my phone and stuffing it into my pocket.

When i turn back to Jongdae, he looks even more lost than before. I roll my eyes and open the door "come on, i'll buy you something delicious."

He jumps into action, scurrying after me, and i swear, if he had a tail it'd be wagging so fast, it'd blur. 

..

So, apparently going to get something to eat, turned into spending the rest of the day exploring Busan. We found an arcade, which we spent way too much time and money in. Later in the day we found a street market, ending up in a dumpling shop. It was so good. Jongdae stared at me in both amusement and amazement at how many of those delicious, steamed, meat-fill puffs i packed away. Zero regret.

By nightfall, we ended up back at the beach. The place where all of this started. It's exceedingly more beautiful now that i can fully appreciate it. Jongdae sits next to me, cross-legged, and seems perfectly at home. I had to stop him from plowing into the water again. I'm still not convinced he didn't get hypothermia from earlier. It's getting warmer, but not that warm.

Jongdae licks happily at an ice cream, while I snack on hadok, and watch the waves. I can't remember the last time i was this comfortable around someone. Usually when I'm around other people, I'm grasping at things to say to them or trying to overanalyze every bit of their body language. I'm normally so awkward and uncomfortable around others. Many years of being by myself has conditioned me to prefer the quiet and peacefulness of being alone. But Jongdae doesn't mess that up.

He doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. I don't feel the need to fill the silence, because Jongdae knows when to fill it just fine and doesn't expect me to contribute. The real kicker, though is that Jongdae compliments my silence. Like now, we are just sitting next to each other, embracing the silence and it's... comfortable.

Jongdae sighs suddenly and leans over, placing his head on my lap, and kicking his legs out. He offers no explanation, but honestly I'm not upset about it in the slightest. It's kind of endearing in a way.

I've noticed that Jongdae's just like that. He's quirky and there's a whole world inside his head different from everyone else's. It's almost a privilege just to be a part of a piece of it.

>>>>>>>

~Jongdae~

"What does this mean?" Minseok asks, tapping my shoulder lightly. His fingers trace over my back like feathers brushing my skin.

I repress a shutter at the feeling and move my head more to the side so i can look up at him. It's Saturday. Last night we had called it an early night and climbed into our beds with full stomach and fluttering hearts. It was one of the best nights of sleep I've had in a long time.

Today we decided to be lazy and chill out in the sun on the beach. We set up under an umbrella and have watched the sun stretch across the sky. It's been a picturesque day. Minseok's had his headphones in listening to music, and I've been reading a book Baekhyun had recommended to me. 

Like this, I'm happy. I'm content. Honestly, i could see myself doing this for the rest of my life. 

Minseok's fingers press a little harder around my spine and i have to push down another shiver at how good it feels to have him touch the sensitive area. It brings me back to his question, though. 

"That's Osiris. He's an Egyptian god." I explain. It's surprisingly the first time anyone's ever asked.

"Why an Egyptian god? Are our gods not good enough?" Minseok teases.

I chuckle and shake my head against his thigh "i just remember hearing the story about him and just loved the symbolism and meanings behind it."

Minseok tilts his head, eyes still latched onto the ink scrawling down the left shoulder to the right side of my lower back "what's the meaning?"

I smile at that. Most people wouldn't care enough to ask and would go on about their day. Minseok really listens when people talk. He's always had this habit of making people feel important.

"Basically, he's kind of the representation of a second chance to me. Osiris was the ruler of Egypt. He had everything, a loving queen by his side, a prosperous land, and was a pretty bad ass ruler whom his people loved and adored. He was killed by his brother Set because he wanted the crown, and had the pieces of Osiris's body strewn all throughout the land. Well, long story short his wife, Isis, and sister Nepthys, who's also happened to be Set's wife, went and got all of his pieces, put him back together, and brought him back to life. Instead of taking the throne back from his brother, he decided to go rule the underworld and help lost souls to the other side. He didn't feel like he had a right to take back his old life because he had been disconnected from the land of the living for so long, but he made a new one for himself and became one of the most badass underworld rulers of all time. In Grecian recounts he's sometimes depicted as a Phoenix, to go with the whole 'from the ashes' theme. He just kind of represents starting over, and making a new for me. I connected with Osiris in a way even i don't understand fully, so i got a tattoo of him." I smile at the story that has somehow always stuck with me, and glance up to find Minseok's eyes no longer on my tattoo. "Sorry, i kind of nerded out there, didn't i?"

Minseoks lips brush with a faint, but almost fond smile. "No, don't apologize. I loved it... but one thing?"

"What's that?"

"Set? Please don't tell me that bastard just got to rule for the rest of his life? Like did no one step in after he killed his own brother?" Minseok asks, sounding irritated.

I chuckle at that, my heart bursting with so much affection for this man. "No, actually after Iris and Nepthys brought Osiris back to life, Iris became impregnated with Horus, Osiris's son. When he came of age, he challenged his uncle for the throne. In some cases he killed him, and in others he just banished him from Egypt, but Horus came to rule and like his father, was pretty badass about it."

Minseok sighs seeming relived "good. I'm glad that asshole got what he deserved."

I snort and roll onto my back, so i can look up at this beautiful man before me. I've never know anyone like him, and i curse myself for all of those years i wasted. All of those years i could have spent held up in Minseok's room, reading books, telling stories, and watching stupid movies. Instead of throwing my life away into every bottle and every person that hopped into my bed, i could have been starting a life, a path with this beautiful man who was so in love with me. I never deserved his love, and hell, i still feel like i don't, but i'll spend the rest of my life earning it. If he'll let me, that is.

Minseok grins and pushes his fingers through my hair, nails scratching lightly over my scalp. I hum contently and close my eyes, letting my senses take over. I could really see myself being happy with this for the rest of my life. Quiet moments of short talks and small touches, early morning smiles and whispered teasing, late night movies and snacks, while hands wonder. I can see it, feel it all, and oh, how i want it. 

Thinking back to Minseok in college. He was quiet, reserved, but now that i'm getting close to him, i realize that he's not really what people expect. The many times that i caught him staying up late, meticulously organizing his study notes, in the kitchen cleaning it from top to bottom, or even the times i'd pass him in the hallway and get the most delicious whiff of coffee. There's so much more to Minseok than meets the eye, and i curse myself once again for wasting so much time. I peek open my eyes to find that Minseok has gone back to watching the water, his eyes twinkling with calm and joy, and i quickly remind myself to never make that mistake again and lose my chance.

Curling towards Minseok, i bury my face into his abdomen. My heart sings at the sound of his surprised melodic giggle, while i take in a deep breath. I smile as i breathe in the smell of coffee, pastries... and home.

....

As the sun started to get lower in the sky, we decided to go on the hunt for food. We ended up in another outdoor market, eating street food. Some foods were local to Busan, that I've never tried before. It was so good, and i couldn't stop the delighted moans from seeping from my lips. If there's one true love i have in this life, it's food, and i'm more than happy to find that a certain hamster like make shares in that idealism.

"Okay, so order of things you love?" I can't help but ask, nudging Minseok's shoulder after i finish the last of my chicken on a stick that has a glaze on it, that's practically arousing.

Minseok hums and tilts his head to the side, thinking it over. "Coffee is number one. More specifically my coffee shop and everything it entails"

"Given." i say, snorting. That was obvious. If Minseok didn't love coffee, he wouldn't be where he is. And seriously, Minseok's coffee is the best in the city. Trust me, once you've had it, there's no going back. Everything sucks by comparison.

"What's your number one?" Minseok asks, taking another bite.

"Pass." i say, chuckling at his scrunched up mock angry face.

"What? No, you have to tell me. Come on, Dae." Minseok goads.

My head shakes automatically before he can even finish "Nope, pass."

Minseok gives in with a dramatic huff "fine, your second."

Now that one i can answer. I put on a show of thinking for a second, and answer simply with "my bike. It's the first thing i bought after i got sober. It's really important to me, kind of like the thing that made me realize i was getting my shit together."

Minseok gives me a proud looking smile, and i can't help the twinge of delight at getting Minseok's approval for something that most people would see as insignificant. 

"Okay, second love?" I push, leaning over and stealing a bite of Minseok's chicken. I really just want to get to know Minseok more. Crumble a few walls. The best way to do that, is to get to know what someone cares about. You do that and you'll find pieces of their heart they've hidden away from the rest of the world.

He looks stunned for a second, stopping dead in his tracks, with wide eyes, just before they narrow "food" he says in an ominous tone.

The cackle that pulls up out of my throat is unexpected, but also can't even dare to be stopped. He just looks too cute. Like a pissed off kitten. "did i just commit a sin, then?"

He nods, giving me a wide eyed, disbelieving expression "the highest of sins. You might have to be beheaded."

I snort and shake my head "how about i buy you another?"

Minseok places his hand on his chin, rubbing it dramatically. Too fucking cute "make it two, and your sins will be forgiven."

"Anything for you, my lord." i bow theatrically, probably amusing most of the food venders and tourists, and go to buy the man his chicken.

"Third love." Minseok says, when he accepts my offering gratefully. Truthfully that smile is completly worth it. I'd go into debt buying chicken for this man if i got to see that smile everyday.

I think about it for a second before my answer rises to the surface and i actually don't feel embarrassed admitting it for once. "Books." i state, confidently. In the past i got so much shit from friends, and people i'd party with when they'd catch me with a book in hand, but I know Minseok won't judge me. I know he sees value in the things i care about. "Third?"

Minseok's lips tick upward slightly, shyly almost. "don't laugh, and don't you dare tell anyone else."

I lift my hand and place it over my heart, locking his secret away with a promise. "to my deathbed."

He seems placated with that and sighs "Chanyeol"

My eyebrows lift and my lips pop open in surprise. "Like, Park Chanyeol? Like the kid i watched take out a trashcan the other day because he was trying to talk to and chase a squirrel?"

Minseok's cheeks pink and he ducks his head "i can't help it. I have one of the highest levels of fondness for that kid. He's kind of become my best friend in the years that he's worked for me. We take care of each other like family. I love him."

My head shakes subconsciously "But number three, Min?"

He chuckles and shrugs "i live simply. I don't surround myself with a lot of things, but the things that are there, are important. I love the rest of the boys, but Chanyeol just wormed his way into a special place in my heart."

"Min... he wrestled with the trash for ten minutes after he got tangled up in a piece of string and couldn't get himself untied. A child came over and freed him. A young girl had to save a grown ass man from himself." 

Minseok can't contain his laughter anymore and doubles over laughing, before he collects himself and stands, still giggling. "I didn't say i know why i love him so much, but i just do. He's like my younger brother. We look out for each other. We have a similar situation, and i don't know... just get one another. He's my Chanyeol."

A small affectionate smile touches my lips at that. I doesn't know why I do, but i find the level of care those two exhibit for each other, exceptionally sweet. I'm not even close to jealous. Actually, I understand why they're close, why they just get each other. Minseok lost his mom when he was young and grew up with just his dad. They aren't exactly close, especially after Minseok decided to open a cafe instead of going into accounting like him. It was common knowledge at the fraternity why Minseok decided to stay on campus for the holidays. I think that's why, when senior year rolled around, all of us stayed at the house and had our own family Christmas. It was the only Christmas for those four years that i can remember being sober for, and it is still to this day, one of my favorite memories. 

"What's your number one?" Minseok asks, his cheeks adorably full of chicken. Giving me a side glance like he's trying to trick me.

I risk a smirk and just shake my head at him "maybe i'll tell you later."

His face instantly deflates and he looks like a disappointed kitten "come on, i told you mine."

My tongue peeks out and licks over my lips "i'll tell you one day."

Minseok pouts at me and i have to resist the urge to reach over and pinch his puffy cheeks. Deflection always seems to work for the man though, because i noticed the sky's getting dark and when i point it out to the man, he instantly forgets about it and starts grumbling about his chicken getting wet. 

It's not that i don't want to tell Minseok about this love, it's just that this love isn't just at the top of my list, this love is my list. Minseok's just not ready to hear about it yet. Maybe one day I can share the love of my life with the person i want to share my life with, but not yet.

>>>>

~Minseok~

Jongdae's not as sly as he thinks he is. I gave him an out though, and allowed myself to become 'distracted' by the threat of oncoming rain. I eat the rest of my food quickly, my mind turning over and over at the possibility of what his first love could be. There has to be a reason he wants to keep it a secret and i'm prepared to let him for as long as he needs. He'll tell me when he's ready, and i'll wait patiently for that day.

An abrupt crack of thunder has me jolting, as Jongdae wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me to his chest. My heart stutters for a second, before it begins it's rapid assault on my rib-cage. My eyes slowly raise to Jongdae's, and we lock eyes, entrapped in each other, unable to move.

The sky opens and water cascades all around us, soaking everything in it's path. Jongdae's wide eyes force a giggle out of my throat, then his expression morphs into an adorable pout, and it turns into full blown laughter.

He looks like a drentched cat. His shirt clinging to him in seconds and his hair favoring no better. 

Jongdae goes to run for shelter, disappointingly letting me go, but i stop him with a hand on his arm.

Turning to me in question, Jongdae is about to ask something, but i dont let him. I just let my hand slip down his his arm to his hand and clasp it tightly. Jongdae blinks, then I'm pulling him further out into the rain, jumping in puddles and spinning around in ridiculous circles.

Jongdae seems shocked for about two seconds before his face lights up, and he joins me. To the rest of the people in the market we probably look insane. Two grown ass men, dancing in a downpour and getting soaked, but to us, this makes the most sense in the world. 

>>>>

We're both sopping wet when we arrive back at the hotel. Laughter ingrained in our lips and a delirious giddiness of childlike innocence pressing inside us. 

Jongdae grins hurrying into our room. "I can't believe we just did that. Do you know how long it's been since I last played in the rain?" 

I chuckle and step closer to Jongdae as he pulls his soaked shirt over his head. Our eyes meet and I'm taking another step. Inches from each other.

There's a moment. A moment when Jongdae looks uncertain. Hesitation deep in his eyes. I clear all of that away instantly by pulling him in, wrapping my hand around the back of his neck and meeting his lips. 

It takes a second for him to respond, almost as if he's waiting for me to pull away. Like he's waiting for me to change my mind. It's sweet, and it shows how much Jongdae's changed. He would have never hesitated years ago.

Jongdae finally snaps out of his trance and reaches for me. Hungry hands grab at my waist and hips, pulling me against him. A pleased hum falls from his lips and i fight back a moan, when his thigh presses against my front.

Before i realize it, I'm being pushed back, landing on the bed. We bounce a bit and a loud giggle forces it's way out before i can stop it. 

Jongdae grins down at me, amused "You're so cute. You know that, right?"

My breath catches and i freeze, as Jongdae proceeds to attack my neck, not noticing my reaction "how cute?" I ask in a small voice.

Jongdae seems to finally get it and pulls back, staring into my eyes with a meaningful expression. His face saying everything I've been suspecting for too long. Everything I wish I didn't know.

"Too cute for me to think sensibly" he whispers, leaning in and gently kisses my lips, while my head spins with memories I'd rather keep buried. 

..

~Minseok~ (El Dorado Royale, Cancun, Mexico. Years ago.)

"Dude, check that one out." One of my fraternity brothers call, shamelessly ogling a beautiful, startlingly tan woman walking by.

"God. They don't make them like that in Korea, man." another whistles under his breath.

I'm not entirely sure if god has anything to do with that, but it's none of my business. I've already expressed that it's not my cup of coffee, and thankfully the others respect that. Plus, it's not like i could appreciate anyone else even if i tried. Not when he's here.

Jongdae sits across the pool, his lips turned up into that foxish grin of his. Gods, he's so beautiful. His eyes turn towards mine for a second and i swear my heart stops, but he just continues to mess around with the other boys, looking right through me. I shouldn't be surprised. It's the one thing i'm best at, being invisible. Especially to Kim Jongdae.

"Min, what's wrong? You look like you just sucked on a lemon." Kyuhyun chuckles, nudging me.

I whine and laugh as i push him away. "nothing, just not as tantalized by the locals like everyone else is."

Kyuhyun tilts his head and considers this, before an evil smirk settles across his face. uh oh. "You know, there's a club downtown. I heard about it from the some of the other tourists. They apparently cater to... alternate lifestyles.

"A gay club, Kyu? Really?" i deadpan, my eyebrow lifting at my friends ridiculousness.

Kyuhyun's smirk deepens and i know i'm in deep. This is one of the reasons why our relationship is love and hate. This little devil never fails to drag me into trouble, and for some reason, i never fail to follow him through the gates.

......

"All of your friends left you alone?" a voice. That voice asks, sauntering up next to me.

I glance over finding Jongdae giving me an amused smirk, tilting his head expectantly. There's a rhythmic beat in the background, a song about finding something and going somewhere, sailing maybe? It fades to the background, however, before i can pick it up, as Jongdae leans in closer.

I can tell by the pink dusting his cheeks and glaze covering his eyes that he is deep down the rabbit hole. Drunk Jongdae is basically another person entirely. He's actually kind of an ass, but i don't blame him for that. I blame the alcohol. Always have. 

There's really no way i can deal with this gigantic crush i have on this man without separating them. I've seen the person Jongdae can be without the devils water blazing his insides and fogging his brain. I've seen the kind, intelligent, endearing person sober Jongdae can be. There's no way i can allow myself to be attracted to this inebriated idiot. Or at least that's what i want to think. He still looks damn good, even for a jackass. 

"They thought it would be easier for me to get my 'flirt on', Kyu's words not mine, if i was on my own." i explain, wondering why i'm wasting my time.

Jongdae snorts, his beautiful eyes looking downright preying under the flashing lights and backed by the almost hypnotic beat from the song playing. "i don't think you're going to be successful hiding in the corner."

Huddling more into myself, and taking a deep breath, i smell the disorienting mix of Jongdae's cologne and alcohol. I want to lean in and take a larger breath as well as cringe and pull away.

"I'm not exactly the flirty type... or the social type really." i defend, for some reason hating the fact that Jongdae is seeing me like this. I wish i could be on his level. I wish i could be a social butterfly with the ability to have fun and embrace life. Instead i'm Kim Minseok. Hiding in the corner at a gay club, while my brothers walk around and socialize, when i'm the only one who's actually gay.

Jongdae chuckles and gives me an odd look, before reaching out and grabbing my wrist "want to get out of here?"

My eyes widen and my eyebrows shoot up, leading to a fit of rolling laughter from the man next to me. "not like that" Jongdae explains, "i just meant, you seem uncomfortable and i could use some fresh air."

Biting at my lips, i drop his gaze for a second, feeling my cheeks blaze and not from the drink in my hand. Going for a walk with Kim Jongdae. God among men, and secret crush for the past four years. My head nods before my brain can even come up with a decision.

And Judging by how my heart leaps at the Cheshire grin Jongdae gives me, i don't really mind. Jongdae takes my hand, ensuing a damn near brain aneurysm before i force myself to calm down, as he leads me out of the club.

Act like a normal fucking person, Kim Minseok. A boy just happens to be holding your hand and leading you to the beach. A very hot, perfect, amazing smelling boy, leading you to a romantic walk on the beach. Damn it, breath. He's going to think you're mentally imbalanced and leave. 

"You okay?" Jongdae asks, squeezing my hand, looking amused.

"Y-yeah." i says, my face blazing hotter.

Jongdae chuckles again and, oh. I could get used to that sound. "You're so cute. You know that, right?"

My teeth clamp down on my lips to prevent the squeak that bubbles up in my throat, from escaping. I risk a glance at the man who's literally sending my brain into shut down mode and catch his amused, flirty smirk that I've seen him use to dazzle hundreds of girls into his bed.

Swallowing thickly, I risk stepping closer to him. I don't question this spark of bravery, terrified that it'll fade "how cute?"

Jongdae's eyes flash, an emotion too quick for me to decipher, overridden by surprise, before falling into a pleased swagger. It's fascinating to watch drunk Jongdae battling sober Jongdae, but also kind of grounding.

My foot moves back before my mind can think to scream at it. This is Kim Jongdae. Who cares if he's drunk. I've wanted this for four fucking years, so why am i still making a retreat?

"Too cute for me to think sensibly." He says, reaching forward and pulling me back to him, pressing me against him. Chest to chest. hip to hip. 'We're the same height', i take notice at the weirdest damn time.

His lips are on mine before i can even think about what's happening, tasting of mint and alcohol. My brain short circuits, unable to process that this is actually happening, until Jongdae presses harder, his lips urgently trying to coax mine into responding.

A gasp separates my lips, giving Jongdae exactly what he wants, as he invades my mouth and all my senses. Feel, sound, smell, sight, taste, ... all of it Jongdae, and my body sings. My eyes slide close and an embarrassing moan fills the silence between us. 

That seems to be exactly what he wants though, because the next second he's pulling away with a breathy growl and grabbing my hand. He drags us both all the way back to the resort, to the villa we rented for this week. Small teasing touches and needy kisses are the only things that stop us along the way, before i'm being pushed into Jongdae's room and falling back onto the bed.

A hard swallow seizes my throat and i my breath comes out in small pants. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe i'm in Kim Jongdae's bed, watching him strip his shirt off while he straddles my thighs.

"Are you okay with this?" Jongdae says surprisingly clear for someone who's supposedly shitfaced.

I don't even try to think about it before i place my hand around the back of his neck and pull him down, connecting our lips, letting that answer his question. I'm more than okay with this. My body craves Jongdae's. Begs for him to keep touching, keep devouring. My soul is his to take and take he does.

Jongdae is surprisingly gentle and he takes his time. Something i didn't think was possible for someone tainted with rum, but i push it out of my mind to focus on the man in front of me. When Jongdae slides inside of me, pausing and looking down into my eyes, he gives me an expression that catches me off guard. 

There, resting in this man's  gaze is a kind of gentleness I've never seen before, holding me like i'm the most precious of glass and will break if he's not careful. Something like hope squeezes inside of my chest and i bravely reach up, caressing his cheek. His eyes close so gently, with a soft sigh, turning into my palm.

My heart stutters and i breathe out a broken breath "Move, please."

Jongdae opens his eyes and stares down at me, a small smile touching his lips. He takes me apart from there. My body shakes and trembles, moans and thick whines slips from my lips, while this man unravels me in ways i didn't know i could be.

When Jongdae forces me to the cusp of my release, his hips creating slow, powerful madness inside of me, he grabs my hand and whispers in my ear "cum for me, Minnie."

This man will be my undoing, i just know it. Jongdae name on my lips, i cum harder than i ever have before and am followed quickly by the man above me.

Collapsing onto the bed next to me, Jongdae, breaths heavily, pulling me against him and burying his head into my neck. With shaky hands i reach out and wrap myself about him, burrowing against the man I've been in love with for years, finally in my arms.

I want to ask. I want to talk about what this means. I want to know why it took four years. Why now? But sleep pulls at the edge of my consciousness, refusing to let me form any coherent thoughts.

Giving up, i decide it can wait till tomorrow. My questions will still be there when i wake I up.

..

But Jongdae wasn't. I woke up to an empty bed and an even emptier chest. Jongdae was gone, the only evidence that he was even there was the soreness between my legs and the stickiness on my skin.

It took me most of the morning to wash off the lingering grossness from the previous night, but i knew the memories, the phantom feeling of his body still pressed against mine, the raspiness of his voice that still echoes in my ear, wouldn't wash away anytime soon.

When i walked down to the main room, i found Jongdae with the rest of my brothers, laughing and going on about themselves. Some looked up to greet me, not in the slightest bothered by my disheveled appearance, but the one person i wished to look at me. The one person i pleaded to at least glance my way, didn't.

Jongdae acted like i didn't even exist. Acted like i was just another one night stand, and that... that shattered me. It took me years to get over that. To get over him.

Here i am, though. In the same position. Jongdae looking at me as he had all of those years ago, like i was made of glass, right before he threw me on the floor.

Some of those shards, i was never able to put back into place.

"Stop." I say, making no effort to push Jongdae off of me, but he doesn't even hesitate to pull back.

"What's wrong? Am I hurting you?" Jongdae asks, his voice rising in concern.

I bite at my lip and turn my head away "i ... i can't."

Jongdae blinks at me, his eyes flickering across my face like he's having an argument with himself. His eyes search mine, and i immediately throw up my walls. Jongdae watches in unconstrained hurt and disappointment. He nods once and pulls himself off of me, as if it's almost painful for him to do so.

He walks to the other side of the room and reaches for a clean shirt, pulling it slowly over his head. I stand on wobbly legs and take a stabilizing breath, then head towards the bathroom.

"Min-" Jongdae says, his voice full of emotions that i cant even begin to start deciphering.

"Don't... just, please... i just need some time." I say, stupidly risking a glance up at him.

Jongdae's eyes are glassy, and full of regret and rejection. Guilt thunks itself down in my chest, making itself at home, getting comfortable with that other painful emotions already filling it.

He nods and turns his back towards me, the tattoo of the Osiris staring at me. Reminding me. 

No matter how much a person changes, there might just be some things you can't come back from. 

>>>>

~Jongdae~

The ride back home is quiet, and not nearly as peaceful as the ride down. Minseok's barely spoken more than a couple of sentences to me since last night. Normally silence between us is comfortable, easy, but now it's suffocating.

It's my fault too. I know it is. Of all the things i regret doing in my life... What i did to Minseok is the greatest. 

That morning, i even debated it. As i watched that beautiful boy sleep in my arms, his precious face pressed into my chest. I fought with myself so hard, but in the end, i decided that Minseok deserved better. I was a mess back then, and i knew it would take more than one night with this beautiful prince to change me. I couldn't bear the idea of him waiting up for me as i went out and got shitfaced with my friends, or the hurt in his eyes when i'd try to flirt with anyone that looked my way in interest. I was a shit of a human and i couldn't inflict that on the pure, wonderful person Minseok was. Is.

I didn't miss the heartbreak in his eyes for a second that next morning. I watched his heart shatter and along with it, mine did as well. I thought he'd get over me and move on. I knew he deserved better than me, and i was giving it to him, just like i gave him my heart the night before. 

Never in my life had i loved someone like that. Cared for someone that gently, and made love to them with every bit of my soul. But i did. That night i gave a piece of myself to this man sitting beside me, refusing to look anywhere but out his own window, and i never got it back. I don't want it back... it belongs to him.

That morning when i forced myself not to look at him, to ignore him like nothing happened, made my physically sick, but i convinced myself that it was for the best. That he'd have such a better life without me in it, and that he'd forget about me soon enough. I was clearly wrong, though.

What i did left scars, left pain that i don't know how to fix or heal. I didn't know he cared for me this much, that after so many years, he's still hurt. Gods, it's ripping me apart to think that i caused this. That once again, i fucked up. 

We pull into the driveway to the house, a heavy silence pressing between us.

"Do you remember everything from that night?" Minseok asks, his voice sounding choked.

Reminding myself to breath, i swallow the thick lump in my throat "There's a lot that's still fuzzy. I didn't remember most of it for a long time, until i came back here after i got the teaching position and ran into you. Pieces of it slowly started coming back. When i remembered most of it, i decided to do everything i can to make it up to you... though now seeing the full extend of how bad i fucked up, i'm not sure that's possible anymore."

Minseok's wobbly sigh pulls me up short and i look up to meet his glassy gaze "it was easier thinking i was just a blackout hookup. Thinking that i was just another one night stand, that you left the next morning without even knowing their name... but now... you knew. You knew what you were doing. You fucked me and left me before i woke up. You had to have known how I felt. I wasn't inconspicuous about it, Jongdae. Was it a game? A bet? Was i just some sick conquest for you?"

"Son of a bitch, no, Min. How could you think that? You have no idea what that night meant to me. I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to stay next to you so bad. I wanted you to wake up in my arms and then we could go have breakfast on the beach and talk about where to go from there... but..." i defend, aching at the idea that Minseok could even think of himself as a bet, or a game. 

"But?" Minseok pressed, his eyes wide and his lips trembling.

I take a staggering breath and lean my head against the steering wheel "I know we've talked about me getting my life together, but one thing I've forgotten to make clear is that i'm an alcoholic. I regularly go to AA meetings and even have someone who checks on me daily to make sure i'm staying sober." i peek over and Minseok's wide, calculating eyes, before continuing "I ached with every bit of my being to stay with you, Min. Yes, i knew about your crush on me, but the truth is, i was in love with you too. I watched you for years. When you were watching me, i was doing the same to you. I wanted you so bad, but i kept my distance, praying you kept yours too. I was toxic. The Jongdae back then was a black hole that sucked everything good into it and ruined it. It was just the beginning too, my shit just got worse after we graduated, to the point where i'm pretty sure i was constantly drunk. Always had a bottle in my hand type of thing. I don't actually remember much of it, but I know I did some really fucked up shit over the years, so i don't regret pushing you away. I don't regret getting you away from me before i blew up, but i wish with every bit of my being that i could take back what i did, that i could take away your pain. I'm so sorry, Minseok. I really am."

Minseok looks like he's barely breathing, like he's overloading on this information. "Why?" he asks in a barely loud enough whisper, but i hear him loud and clear "why did you do it if you wanted to save me from yourself?"

My shoulders sag, overwhelmed with guilt "i saw you standing in that club. You looked so beautiful and nervous. Every eye in that place was watching you, desiring you, and i couldn't help myself. I couldn't stand the idea of anyone else having you. I just intended to take you away, to get you out of that club and away from anyone else... but then... then you gave me that look on the beach, and I couldn't stop. It was selfish and disgusting, but i never could bring myself to regret making love to you that night, just hurting you the next morning."

"You wanted to stay? You wanted me?" Minseok asks, staring ahead now, seeming to be in a state of disbelief.

"More than anything." i confirm, and sit back in my seat, pulling the keys from the ignition. Minseok looks over at me again, and lets go of a light, breathy sob. He seems shocked, and i understand why when a stray tear falls down my cheek. "I'm so sorry, Minseok. I tried to keep you away from me so you wouldn't get hurt, but i hurt you worse than i could have imagined in the end."

Minseok opens his mouth to say something, but i hold up a hand and attempt a small smile. "I promise i won't make this hard on you. I really don't want to cause you anymore pain. Let's just part on decent terms, okay. I don't think i can handle you hating me openly. I know that's selfish, but.."

"Time." Minseok says, stopping me.

"What?" i asks, bewildered.

Minseok huffs and reaches over, gently wiping a tear off my cheek "I'm asking for time. To sort through everything. I don't hate you, Jongdae. Even when you broke my heart, i could never bring myself to hate you. Just give me some space, okay?"

I squander down the small sliver of hope that pushes its way into my chest and stare at this amazing, pure, too kind man in front of me. He's way too good for me. I definitely don't deserve him, but i know i couldn't walk away from him even if i wanted to. He has all of me, and i'll only leave if he asks me too. I pray to any god out there who will listen that he'll never ask that of me.

We make our way inside. Hesitant nearness and nervous glances, but at least he's looking at me, instead of cursing my very existence. That's more than i can say for another certain someone. I dare myself to look on the optimistic side of things and the hope in my chest frees itself before i can contain it. Dear gods, please let this man choose to forgive me. Please let this man overlook my wrong and love me.

Every bit of my current worries diminish the second we walk through the threshold of the house, however. My eyes bug out of my head and i gain an instant headache that i can only associate with these idiots. 

Chanyeol and Kris stand before me in seconds, black trash-bags hiding behind their backs, in a terrible effort to disguise the obvious. I should have expected this, but it doesn't make me any less pissed.

"What the hell happened here?" My voice raises to a tone they have named my 'dad tone'.

Chanyeol looks sheepish, and has the audacity to smile lightly "well... we kind of... had a small get together."

Kyungsoo comes down the stairs then, followed by a sleepy looking Jongin, with... wait is that a black eye? "we planned on having a small party, but it escalated. We're all cleaning it up, so please breath. You look like you're about to pop a vein."

Tao follows down the stairs with Sehun on his tail as usual and Yixing standing at the top, refusing to come down, but watching Sehun closely."It was kind of your idea." Tao points out, causing Kris to nearly break his neck whipping his head in the direction of the boy. Tao refuses to look at him, but his cheeks pink a little. What the hell happened here?

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose, wondering what in the hell i'm supposed to do with these dumbasses "curfew for the next two weeks is ten pm, unless you have work, then you will go straight there and straight back. Netflix privileges are revoked in that time as well. Clean this house from top to bottom, i want it to fucking sparkle."

"What? Chen, that's not-"

"Did i fucking stutter, Tao?" i yell, watching all of the boys jolt in surprise.

"No, sir." Tao mumbles, while Kris takes a deep breath and nods, clearly accepting the punishment on their behalf.

"Get started, all of you. I want this place clean by dinner." I order, watching them all scramble to do as told. I don't like doing this. I hate punishing them, but they have to understand that their actions get consequences. I had to learn the hard way, but i'll be damned if i let these boys take the path i did, or even one similar to it.

"Kris." i call out, motioning for him to come talk to me.

Kris comes over, quickly stuffing a familiar looking bottle into his trash-bag, causing me to look away. I catch Minseok's eyes for a second. he gives me an odd, concerned look, but push it away when Kris stops in front of me.

"I'm really sorry, Chen. I didn't know it was going to get to this level. It was really supposed to be a small party." Kris tries to explain.

I roll my eyes and reach out flicking his forehead, chuckling at his small yelp."Rule number one about college parties: They always escalate. Don't worry about it. All is forgiven, just learn from it, okay?"

Kris nods and really does look sorry, so i reach out and place my hand on his shoulder to communicate that i'm not really mad. Kris never had much of a father figure in his life, at least, not a good one, and i'd really like to show him what a good dad can be like. For all of the boys really.

"Where's Baekhyun?" i ask, wondering why it's so quiet in here.

Kris bites at his lip and winces. I notice that its slightly split, and again find myself wondering what the hell happened this weekend. "we don't know."

That gets my attention "excuse me?"

Kris grimaces and breathes out a long breath "he texted Yixing that he's okay this morning, but no one knows where he is. Even his mom has no clue where he could have gone. He left the party last night after..." he glances up at Jongin, who's pouting at Kyungsoo while the other puts a cream around his bruised eye, then Chanyeol who's watching them with a locked jaw and hard eyes. What the fucking hell? "He just left last night and never came back. Tao and Yixing were going to go look for him before you got here, but they... they kind of had to do some damage control first."

I breath out a long, tired sound breath and rub my temples "okay, seriously. From the beginning... tell me everything."

Kris's eyes widen and he looks slightly pained "are you sure?"

I nod "all of it. Spare no detail."

Kris nods slowly and takes a deep breath, preparing us both for the story of a lifetime. "well, it started Saturday morning..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jebus, i think that's my longest chapter for this book, to date. 
> 
> So, i'm probably just as surprised at this speedy update as you guys are. I didnt expect it to come out this easily and was actually kind of dreading that flashback, but it came out well and I'm pleased with it. I hope you guys enjoy it and anticipate what's about to come because a lot of shit is about to hit the fan.
> 
>  
> 
> Taoris is up next. I'll see you as soon as i can. Love you guys! ❤️


	25. Inferno (Toris) {party}

~Kris~

"Is there a reason your presence is interrupting my quiet?" Kyungsoo asks, his eyes never once leaving the book in his hands. 

A smirk tugs at my lips. Kyungsoo's always been this way. He loves his friends, but come in between him and his private time and he'll end you. It amuses me more than it terrifies me, at least it does now. I've been put into a choke-hold by Soo a few times, and trust me, the little dudes stronger than he looks.

"Kyungsoo, my darling." i say as sweetly as i can.

Amusement flutters through my head when Kyungsoo's eyes snap to mine, a little dark and threatening. I'm pretty sure interrupting Soo while he's reading is considered a sin to him. 

"State your business or leave." He barks, doing that little lip curl that used to drive me crazy. I knew things were going to get rough when he'd give me that expression. 

"Yeol just messaged me that Chen and Minseok have arrived in Busan. We have today to prepare for tomorrow night." i say, an insinuating tone to my voice.

Kyungsoo narrows his eyes and places his bookmark against the page he's on and shuts it. Clearly, he understands that he won't be reading it anytime soon.

"You still want to do this?" Kyungsoo asks, his eyebrow ticking up in that way that makes me feel the full extent of my fondness for him.

I shrug, and move further into the room to sit beside the smaller man "I think everyone needs a break. There's been a lot of shit going on, and everyone is kind of in a bad place."

Kyungsoo shifts closer to me, his folded knee pressing to my thigh "That's exactly why i think this is a bad idea. No one is in the proper place to be sociable right now. The last thing they need is to be surrounded by alcohol infused stupidity. Have you even spoken to Tao yet?"

Brushing that off, i reach out and trail my fingers lightly over Soo's knee, tracing aimless patterns. "i just think it'll be a good idea for everyone to blow off some steam. The club is closed this weekend. Chen is away. No one has plans. It's perfect."

"Running away from your problems doesn't mean they go away, Kris. Talk to your boyfriend, and cancel this party before it's too late. Nothing good will come of this." Kyungsoo says ominously.

I sigh and stand up, not for a second missing the almost rejected look in his eyes. When will i stop hurting him?

"Don't be so negative, Kyungsoo. It'll be a good time, you'll see." I add, plastering my usual smile used for teachers and student government meetings.

Even i know this party is a stupid idea, but i just feel that the boys need something. Anything, to bring them out of their fucking rooms and talk to each other. I know i need to deal with my shit, but i just want one weekend to act like a damn college student. I just want to get tipsy, lose myself in a crowd of people, and let go of everything that's been laying on my shoulders. I know Kyungsoo is right, as he usually is, but i just want to keep running for a little bit longer.

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and sits back into his original position. The unbreakable, emotionless mask back in place, and picks up his book. "I'll be having plenty of fun on my own." he nods towards the piece of literature in front of him, clearly meaning his intent for this weekend.

I nod as a small sigh falls from my mouth. This was always one of the main differences between Soo and me. It might have even been our breaking point if we had stayed together. Where I'm sociable, he's quiet and reserved. Where i like to talk and have attention on me, Soo would rather stand in the corner. Where i want to hide from my problems in a party with good booze, Soo hides from them in his room with a good book. We're different in that sense, and maybe that's why he fails to understand why i really need this weekend.

>>>>>>

~Tao~

"You look like you belong in a Taylor Swift video." i comment, sliding a large pack of plastic cups into the cart.

Baekhyun, who's reading the list Kris had shoved into his hand after telling us to go to the store for supplies, glances up at me, his eyes not even showing the amount of light they should.

"You also haven't even tried to jump into the cart and told me to take you to the toy aisle like you usually do." Yixing adds, pushing the cart forward to stand closer to his friend.

Baekhyun just shrugs and points ahead at a shelf "we need napkins too."

"Nope." Shaking my head, i push the others arm down and stand in front of him with my hands on my hips "damn it, Baek. This is weird for you. You've been acting... normal, and it's freaking me out."

The second Baekhyun hangs his head and follows it up with a sniffle, i know we fucked up.

"Babe." i coo softly, as both Yixing and i wrap our friend in a hug "What's going on?"

Baekhyun sniffles, and glances up at me with glassy eyes "Chanyeol called me a whore."

"Excuse me?" Yixing asks, his tone murderous.

The smol bean in our arms sighs, and hangs his head once again "not directly, but he called Jongin a whore, and i have just as much sex as he does, so in relation..."

I watch fascinated as Yixing's eyes harden and take on a dangerous edge that has me praying for Chanyeol. No matter how upset i am at the tall dumbass, no one should have to be on the other side of Yixing's wrath.

"Tell us what happened, Baek."

Baekhyun takes in a deep, shaky breath, and lets it all out. My jaw drops once Baekhyun finishes laying everything on the table. He explains everything, and i mean, everything. I knew about his little thing with Jongin, but i had no idea it went that deep. I also knew about his falling out with Chanyeol, i mean everyone has noticed with the way they've skirted around each other this past week. But all of this... it's a lot to digest. I've been so wrapped up in my own shit, i hadn't realized Baek was going through this.

"I'm going to strip Chanyeol down to his boxers, and then tie him to the fountain in front of the library on campus and put a sign around his neck that says 'i slut shamed my best friend' and make him sit there all day." Yixing says, his voice sounding icy and unforgiving.

I blink at the other over Baekhyun's shoulder, slightly impressed. It's one of the things i love about him. Yixing will do anything for a friend, and when you hurt that friend, he turns into a seething, vindictive bitch. i love it.

Baekhyun just shakes his head, seeming to break further at hearing the man he loves being cursed on his best friend's tongue. It's honestly hard to watch someone so confident and strong, crumble at just a few words from someone who means everything from them. I'm more inclined to go with Yixing's idea with every sniffle.

"I kissed Jonghyun." i admit abruptly, trying to get the others mind off of his own asshole of a best friend.

It works too well, when two wide sets of eyes snap up to mine. 

"What?" Yixing asks.

"Dude, the hell?" Baek asks, sounding a bit more like himself.

I take a deep breath of my own and explain what happened, not quiet liking the hot seat. I feel a deeper kick of sympathy for Baekhyun at what he had to just admit, when even admitting a kiss that wasn't even my fault makes me feel like shit.

"That's why you've been sleeping in your own room?" Yixing asks after i finish, and i nod, looking sheepishly at the ground.

"Have you two talked about it?" Baekhyun asks, his voice sounding concerned.

I shake my head and bite at my lip, avoiding their gazes. "I know it's childish, but i just... I'm scared that the next time we talk, might also be the last. At first i was mad at him for hitting Jonghyun, but then i realized that i was actually really fucking terrified. What if he's done with me? What if we pushed him too far and he doesn't want this anymore? Maybe that's why he hasn't been putting up much of a fight. Maybe that's why he hasn't been a jealous monster. Maybe... maybe he's really over us."

It isn't until arms fold around my shoulders and waist that i realize that there's a certain wetness on my cheeks.

"If he is... You let him go." Yixing says, holding my face in his hands and staring deep into my eyes, dropping truth on me only like he's capable of. Yixing is usually so soft and gentle, but when the man needs to be serious he balls the fuck up. "It'll hurt like hell, and you'll break to pieces, but you'll get through it. You'll move on and you'll do it with us by your side."

Baekhyun nods against my chest "We'll move out of the house and into an apartment together. You won't be alone if he walks away, Tao. We promise."

My lips trembles and i nod, even if i can't even fathom the possibility of such a thing right now. "Same for you too, Baek. If shit gets too hard with Yeol, we can be out of there within a coupe of days." The arms around my waist tighten, signaling that he heard me. 

I'm sure we look extremely odd to passerby's. Three grown ass men, standing in the middle of an aisle of a grocery store, hugging each other and crying, but that's just always been us. The other guys like to call us "The three twinketeers" because of our friendship. We've always been close since freshmen year and we tend to be closer to the bottoming end of the spectrum within looks and attitude. It holds no actual ground though. I know for a fact that Baekhyun can top when he needs to, and well, Yixing is so versatile he might as well be reversible. We used to hate the nickname, but standing here like this, it kind of makes sense.

Three cleared faces, and a another round of hugs later, we finally separate and begin walking down the aisle again.

"I guess i didn't realize how much we've missed with being so wrapped up in our own lives." i say, placing the thing of napkins into the cart. I turn to the other two and they give me agreeing nods. "Yixing you're the only one who hasn't said anything. How are things on the whole Junmyeon front? You've been quiet since you came back from the convention last weekend."

By the end of Yixing's recount, both Baek and i stare at the male in utter shock. His events are far more alarming than our own.

"Why the hell didn't you tell us?" Baekhyun asks.

Yixing lifts an eyebrow "because you've both been walking around like a kicked puppies. What was i supposed to do? Drop all of that on your laps when you're already in turmoil."

"Yes." we both say at the same moment, and glance at each other before dissolving into a fit of giggles. Yixing shakes his head, but can't help the grin at our moods clearly lifting a bit. "Seriously, Yixing. That's huge. What are you going to do?"

Yixing sighs and tilts his head "i don't know. Honestly, i don't know if i want to do anything. Clearly there's more to Junmyeon than i previously thought, but i just don't know what i want yet."

I nod, understanding his hesitance, and confusion. Hell, we all do. That's what got us all here after all.

"Well, like we said, we run away together. One of us, all of us. Always." i say, coming up between my friends and wrapping my arms around their shoulders. "but, we bring Sehun..."

Yixing snorts and continues walking "he'd love that. Being stuffed into a small apartment, constantly being obsessed over by all of his 'mothers'. No young boy would ever rebel against that."

I chuckle and have to agree with him. Living in a large house, where he can escape to his own space is one thing, but being shoved into a small apartment with no one but us would be a bit suffocating... Could i bear to leave him with Kris though? I push that thought out of my head, not really even willing to think of that now.

My shoulders deflate a bit and i feel a small nudge at my side, and glance over to see Baekhyun smiling gently at me "it'll be okay, Tao. It may be a mess right now, but i can feel that things will work themselves out soon enough." 

The smile i offer up in reply is genuine, as i tighten my arm around him. "come on, lets go antagonize Yixing about whether he plans on calling Junmyeon sir or master."

Baekhyun smirks and that familiar mischievous light enters his eyes. It's slight, but its there. "or Daddy."

I snort and we both fast walk towards the man in question. Yeah, i guess Baekhyun's right. With friends like these, no matter what happens, it'll be okay.

>>>>>>

~Kris~

A small sigh falls from my lips, as i lean against the door frame, arms crossed over my chest. I watch the other frustratingly rummage through the closet, groaning with each piece of brightly colored or heavily helped fabric. 

Honestly, i hold the same amount of distaste for Tao's wardrobe. 

"What are you doing in here?" i ask, causing the boy to jump and spin around looking like a child who just got caught trying to sneak cookies from the kitchen before dinner.

"I just... I..." He stutters, his eyes shift everywhere but meeting my own.

My chest clenches in an uncomfortable way. It took me years to get this boy to act natural around me. When it comes to the relationship he has with his parents, the one with his father is the most strenuous. When I took over the fatherly role in his life, it took forever for him to warm up to me. To show him that a father and son relationship doesn't need to be strained. I never want Sehun to feel like he can't come to me or feel uncomfortable in my presence.

"Sehun... why are you acting hesitant around me? What are you doing?" I asks, cautiously. Talking to him as you would a frightened animal.

Sehun takes a deep breath and closes his eyes "I'm in here getting cloths for Tao for tonight. He wanted to wear a specific sweater and i can't find it." He opens his eyes and fixes me with a regretful expression "i don't want you to think i'm choosing sides, Kris. I swear i'm not... but..."

"Tao needs you more than i do" i supply, to which he lowers his head. Clearly it sounded better before it was said aloud. 

I understand it, though. Even if he's feeling rueful, i can never bring myself to be mad at the boy who's become so much like my own son. I' actually kind of relived that Sehun is with Tao right now. Tao's always been a person to seek comfort from others, while i'm more of a suffer in silence type.

"I'm glad he has you, Hunnie. We both know how he can be, and i don't have to worry about him too much because he's with you. Thank you for being by his side through this." I say, offering him a smile to maybe help his nerves a bit.

Sehun's face pulls into an unexpected grimace and he seems on the verge of tears. I feel like I've just been roundhoused in the gut. I hate seeing this kid cry. "What even is this, Kris? Are you guys breaking up? is Tao leaving you for that guy?"

My head shakes before i understand why. Those are all valid questions, and i just realized that i don't have a clear answer to any of them.

"I don't know, Hunnie. I really don't know what's going on in his head anymore. I've tried to talk to him since i punched that guy, but he will barely even look at me... I'm just as lost as you are, Kid."

"Do you still love him?" Sehun asks catching me off guard.

I blink slowly and tilt my head gently to the side. "With every bit of my being, Sehun. He is and will always be the love of my life."

Sehun stares at me for a few seconds before crossing the room and folding himself into my arms. I don't even hesitate to pull him tight against me. "This isn't fair."

I chuckle lightly at how much he sounds like a child and run my fingers through his hair "That's life, Hunnie. Shit hurts. But you know what?" Sehun shakes his head against my neck, and i resist the urge to coo at him. "I'd do it all over again if i had to. Even knowing it might still end up this way, i'd still choose him. Tao is the best thing that ever happened to me and i don't regret a single second."

Sehun pulls back, resting his chin on my chest. "Would he say the same?"

I swallow hard at that, not missing the sympathetic wince the other pulls. "I hope so, Hunnie. I really hope so." I step away from the other, taking note of the slight disappointment and smile gently, brushing my fingers over his cheek to dispel it. "The sweater you're looking for it folded up in the second drawer at the bottom of the stack."

Sehun gives me a concerned look that lets me know he's not buying my nonchalance in the slightest, but i pass it off, heading into the bathroom. I start taking my cloths off, to jump into the shower, ready to just enjoy my evening and forget for a few hours.

......

~Tao~

"Here's your fucking sweater" I hear, right before fuzzy material thunks against my face.

I blink and sit up on the bed, setting my phone down down and gently pulling the material off of my head. Sehun's back greets me, and i don't even try to hide the bewildered expression when he turns around and narrows his eyes at me in distaste.

"Hun... what's wrong?" i asks, slowly wondering what the hell caused this abrupt one eighty mood change. Just a bit ago he was smiling and skipping around our room, talking about how Luhan will be at the party tonight, and that they agreed to hang out.

"Kris walked in on me getting your sweater." Sehun deadpans, staring at me with a coldness I've never seen him direct at me before.

I sigh and scoot forward on my bed "Hun..."

"Don't." Sehun stops me, holding up his hand "don't, Hyung. He's fucking miserable, Tao. Kris doesn't know what the hell is going on and is so fucking confused. Whatever the reason you're doing this is your business, but when i have to watch the man who is basically the only father I've ever known physically crumble every time you pass by him when you won't even spare him a fucking glance, it becomes my business." Sehun rants, surprising me. I've never seen Sehun this riled up before, and i guess i didn't notice how much he payed attention to us.

"I'm sorry, Sehun." i says, at a loss for anything else.

Sehun scoffs and shakes his head "i'm not the one you need to be apologizing to, Tao. Kris has done nothing wrong and this is getting really fucking ridiculous. Talk. To. Your. Boyfriend. Like a damn adult, Tao. He told me he loves you so much and that he doesn't regret a single thing when it comes to you. This is destroying him. Quit doing whatever you're doing with that other guy and shape the fuck up, Zitao." 

I sit back and blink steadily at the other, completly shell shocked. Sehun's never spoken to me this way. We've always had a caring, delicate relationship... but maybe this is what we both know i need to hear. I have been acting like a child. I have been completly unfair to the man i love, and i do need to get my shit together.

"I never cheated on him." i hurry out, just as Sehun reaches for the bedroom door handle.

Sehun's expression softens, but his eyes still hold the same resolve "I know, Tao. But he doesn't. Talk to your fucking husband before you lose him."

My head lowers as the door slams. 

>>>>>>

~Kris~

I should have expected this. Really, i was having too good of a time, so i should have expected something to ruin it.

An involuntary growl leaves my lips as i watch that asshole walk into my house, his eyes bright and searching like he's actually fucking welcome here.

"Easy there, buddy." Chanyeol says, motioning to where my hand is damn near breaking the bottle resting in it's grip.

I take a deep breath, but feel it nearly punched out of me, when i watch Tao come out of the crowd and bound up to the dick who was totally not invited. Jonghyun leans toward Tao and whispers into his ear and Tao nods, leading the other away.

A hand on my arm stops me and makes me realize that i was subconsciously following them. I turn to find Yeol staring at me with a knowing, yet warning expression "do you really want to do that? Do you really want to be that guy, Kris? After everything you've worked towards?"

Sighing, i realize Chanyeol has a point, but i also know that i'm tired of standing in the shadows. I've tried to be rational. I've tried to handle this like an adult and wait for the man i love to come back to me, but i'm so fucking tired of this. The Kris from high school would never let another man get this close to Tao if he had suspicions on his intent. The Kris back then had balls. He took what he wanted, when he wanted and made no excuses. 

I miss my backbone and everything that came with it. I might not be the same hotheaded kid i was back then, but i'll be damned if i let someone else come in and take what's mine without a fight.

"Let me go, Yeol. If i have to let him go, then i will, but i refuse to stand back and say i didn't even try."

Chanyeol blinks at me, a contemplative look in his eyes, and he eventually lets his hand fall from my arm, a small smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. We nod at each other, and i turn, going after the man i love, fists raised and feet squared.

>>>>>>

~Tao~

"What did you need to talk about?" i ask, leaning against the desk. The study was the one place we blocked off for the party. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo would probably kill us if anyone ruined their books.

Jonghyun grabs at his shirt sleeve and nervously looks to the floor, biting his lip. "i-i... i'm not sure how to say this"

"It's okay, Jonghyun. We're friends, you can tell me anything." I say, sad to see my friend struggling.

Jonghyun sighs and finally looks up at me "i finally told Kibum everything. I told him about our kiss, and he got upset. I didn't understand why he'd be so mad, and just got so frustrated myself, that i admitted everything. I told him how i felt about him and what my intentions were with you."

"What did he say?" i ask, feeling concerned for my friend. If he looks this upset, maybe it didn't go so well.

"He admitted that he felt the same, but it wasn't until i started to pull away with you, that he really took them seriously. He told me that he always felt something for me, but was scared about being true to himself. Kibum wants to be honest with himself and give us a shot." Jonghyun explains, still holding a sober expression for some reason.

The grin that takes over my lips is the first real smile I've had in days "really? Jonghyun, that's amazing... why aren't you ridiculously happy right now?"

Jonghyun swallows thickly and locks eyes with me, his holding a resolve i didn't know he could have "Kibum also asked me a question i wasn't prepared to deal with."

"What question?"

"He asked me how i feel about you." Jonghyun deadpans, his tone lacking any sort of argument about what he's saying.

I feel a slight increase in my pulse and i nod "and?"

Jonghyun takes a step towards me "i told him i needed time to think."

My mouth makes a voiceless "oh", and i grip the desk a little tighter. 

It's not that i'm not attracted to Jonghyun, or that i didn't once or twice think of him in a more than friendlier way. He was by my side through a lot of things and he's an amazing person. In another lifetime, perhaps we could have worked out and ended up together. We would work great and be unbelievably happy, but in this timeline, Kris exists. In any world, any universe in which Kris is there, i'll always find my way to him. I'll always choose him.

"Think somewhere else, Asshat." My head snaps up at that, wide eyed and staring in disbelief at my boyfriend calmly standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame, staring holes into Jonghyun's terrified eyes. "i warned you about staying away from him, didn't i?" 

Kris breaks away from Jonghyun, finding my eyes, his gaze never once faltering on my own. He looks calm, but the fire blazing in his eyes is anything but. He's seething and wants nothing more than to make Jonghyun's face unrecognizable, but he's holding back? Why? It's not that I want Jonghyun to get hurt, but why is he restricting himself, if he actually still wanted me? If i was still worth enough to get insanely jealous over?

Sehun's words from earlier slap across my face and i have to rethink my position. Kris doesn't regret us. Kris still loves me. He's just confused and that just makes a whole round of guilt push through me. Maybe Kris has been hesitating because he doesn't think i want him.

The look that passes his eyes seems to be telling me that it's my move, that the ball is in my court and it's time i made a decision. But there's never been any competition. There's never been any doubt. Kris is my only path. But am i his?

Apparently, my lack of answer isn't acceptable, because the next second i know Kris is crossing the room in those effortless, long strides only his long ass legs can make look graceful. I open my mouth to say something, but before i get the chance, i'm being lifted, and thrown over my boyfriend's shoulder.

A loud squeak leaves my lips and i gasp, fisting Kris's shirt for dear life. Obviously this isn't the first time I've been thrown over my boyfriend's shoulder, but it's still a bit shocking when i didn't even get fair warning. 

"Even if you don't respect the boundaries of relationships, or even orders to stay the fuck away, i'm hoping you can respect that i need to have a private conversation with my boyfriend, yes?" Kris asks, turning to Jonghyun. I can't see his face, but i hear the small squeaky "Yes" he makes as an answer.

I refuse to think about the way Kris's voice dropped to a husky rasp when he said, 'my boyfriend' and send an apologetic wave at a heavily surprised and confused Jonghyun as i'm carried out of the room. 

My feet don't hit the ground again until we're back in the comfort of our room. Even when he hauled me through the party, woops and whistles following us. Even having to face the smug and amused faces of our brothers as he mounted the stares. Eventually, i just tucked my face into his back and blocked out the world, too embarrassed to deal with them right now.

"Tao" Kris says, his tone demanding my attention.

I lift my eyes from the floor and let them be captured in the embers of his own. "Yeah?"

"I need you to fucking talk to me. I'm tired of skirting around each other. I'm done with ignoring each other and over-analyzing each others every fucking move. I need you to talk to me like an adult. To explain to me what the hell has been going on." Kris enjoins, his voice raised.

I bite at my lip and know my face betrays how guilty i feel. Kris has been so in the dark through all of this. He's been so lost, looking for me to throw him a lifeline, but instead i just threw up more roadblocks and obstacles. 

Kris's lip curls dangerously at my silence and pushes me back till my back hits the door, his hand slams beside my head. If it were another time, i'd comment on how k-dramish this is, but now's not the proper moment. 

I let out a small whine and drop my eyes, before he grabs my chin between his fingers and forces me to look into his eyes "fucking say anything, Tao. I'm so over this. I'm done questioning myself. I'm done doubting. I'm done being fucking sick to my stomach wondering if someone else knows what you taste like. What the inside of you feels like. What your voice sound like, when you cum." Kris's eyes engulf mine in with the fire raging in them "It's fucking maddening, Tao. I can't fucking stand it." he yells in my face.

I flinch and glance away. Hot tears betray me, sliding without permission when gravity forces them to spill over. The gentle touch of his fingers brushing over my cheek, surprises me, forcing my eyes to snap back to his. 

Kris's eyes soften, any trace of anger dissipating, and he levels me with one of the most focused looks I've seen from him in a really long time. The last time i saw this look, he was confessing how he felt about me in high school.

"What do you want, Tao?" Kris asks, his voice chillingly stable.

"What do you mean?" I ask, confused by the sudden shift in his behavior.

Kris takes a deep breath and i watch his eyes harden, seeming to guard himself. Fuck, what have i been doing? I've made that man i love more than anything in this world so scared and hurt that he's put up walls between us. I just wanted to make him jealous and maybe a bit possessive, but in that i made the love of my life doubt himself... doubt me. I broke our trust in my stupid need to spice up our relationship.

Why couldn't i have just been a damn adult and talked to Kris, asked him to fuck me into his desk or something. He probably would have been thoroughly inclined to do so, but i messed up and made this way too complicated than it needed to be. There was nothing wrong with our relationship, just with my perception of it. My lack of communication and understanding for my boyfriend ruined something perfect. What the fuck is wrong with me?

"What do you want, Tao? Do you want, Jonghyun?" Kris asks, his expression still too soft and controlled for my own comfort.

I shake my head and attempt to swallow down the lump in my throat. This isn't what i want. I love Jonghyun, but not like i love Kris. I know i'll never love anyone like i love Kris.

"Then what... what do you want?" He asks, his face finally showing a crack. No anger. No jealousy. Just pain. If i didn't feel like the biggest asshole before, i do now. 

"You. All I've ever wanted is you Kris." I say, my voice sounding painfully strained.

Kris's jaw shifts and he breaths out a full breath "You have a funny way of showing it."

I lower my head, and close my eyes tightly "i never wanted to hurt you. I didn't think it would go this far. I just wanted you to get jealous, to put up a fucking fight for me like you used to. I used to have to pry you off of me daily. Do you know how many pairs of underwear you ruined in one way or another back in high school. We couldn't get enough of each other... i just... i missed that. I thought that without the constant need to fuck each others brains out, we were losing each other, that we were simmering out."

I watch Kris's face as he processes everything i just told him. So many emotions flash across his face that i don't even have time to read all of them "you..." I wait, letting him work everything through. Kris pulls away from me, taking a few steps back. My heart rate accelerates, panicking by his reaction. "You planned this?"

Swallowing seems to be a hopeless cause at this point. My throat raw and aching from swallowed emotions. I still can't look at him. Can't face the product of what I've done. "We just planned on hanging out a bit. Stirring up some jealousy... but everything snowballed and things got so much more complicated than we intended. I promise, the intention was never to hurt you or make it seem like i was straying. I love you, Kris. I love you so much, and i swear to the gods that hasn't changed."

There's a beat of silence, before soft, gentle fingers tug at my chin again, forcing me to look up into Kris's eyes. My breath catches at the emotions i find settled there.

"Say that again." Kris requests, his voice thick and husky, fucking finally, with feeling.

I open my mouth, confused as to what he wants me to say, then it clicks. The one thing Kris has been uncertain over this whole time. The one thing that i made him doubt. Is the one thing he needs to hear.

"I love you." I say as certain as my heart still beats.

Kris's eyes close and he releases a breath that he apparently had been holding for a while now. It's almost as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. 

"Fuck the rest, Tao. I love you. I want you... i just... i just needed to know that you still love me. I've been going so fucking crazy thinking that i had already lost you. I didn't fight because i didn't know if there was anything left fighting for. That you wanted me to want you to stay." Kris says. A broken man stands before me, finally showing the extent of his pain.

A small sob pulls from my lips and i rush froward in an instant, needy hands pulling me against a strong, trembling chest. Even the strongest can have weaknesses. I'm sickeningly glad to know that i'm still one of his.

"What happened to us, Kris?" i ask, my fingers clutching onto his shirt.

Kris's hands smooth down my back, his lips finding purchase on my neck "we grew up, baby."

A small whine leaves my lips before i can stop it and Kris instinctively tightens his hold on me "i thought i was losing you, Kris. I'm so sorry about everything."

His calming voice shushes me, calming me "i'm not saying it's okay, actually it's far from okay, Tao. But i'm willing to work through it. I willing to fix it, because i love you and i'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. I always was."

I shake my head and close my eyes tightly, noticing that Kris's shirt now has a large wet spot on it "I should have just been honest from the beginning, but i was so scared. I was so terrified of losing you or forcing you to finally walk away."

Kris growls lightly and pulls back so he can look at me properly. He stares into my eyes once i open them, his hard and frustrated "I'm not going anywhere, Tao. I never was. I'm here, baby." 

Fully letting those words sink in, i realize just how scared i was of losing this man. The love of my life. The only true holder of my heart. I was seriously afraid that he was going to leave me.

"I guess at the root of things, i didn't feel desirable to you. I didn't feel like you wanted me anymore." I explain a little clearer, finally coming to terms with it myself. 

I watch, fascinated as my boyfriend's eyes narrow and he leans in "how could i not desire you, Tao. You're fucking perfect. Your body is like a damn feast for me, and i'm insatiable."

A small gasp pulls from my throat and i bite at my lip "it didn't feel that way..."

The smirk Kris gives me, makes my stomach burn with a heat i thought it had forgotten. "Then let me prove it to you."

..

The soft, almost relived sigh that mutually pushes from our lips, perfectly explains how we both feel when Kris finally pushes inside of me. It's like coming home and finding everything is exactly how you left it and missed it extensively. Kris's eyes lock with my own, and holds my gaze.

Emotions are passed between us. Feeling communicated in nonverbal expression. Love filtered out through soft sighs and short gasps. How long has it been since I've been able to truly look Kris in the eyes? How long has it been since I've been able to lay bare before him and feel certain? 

Kris smiles fondly, threading his fingers through my hair "hi."

I feel heat bloom across my cheeks, as i beam up at him "hi."

A small groan falls from my lips, when Kris pulls out. Inch by agonizing inch, before he slides back into me. A slow drag, so i can feel every detail of his cock brushing against my walls. He continues like this, clearly his plan is to make love to me. Worshiping the way our bodies meld. The way they fit so snugly together.

I love this pace. This slow grind, intimate and consuming. It threatens to pull me apart at my seams and present every inch to the man holding me open. It's perfect and for the first time in a long time, i feel our hearts sync. I feel our beings intertwine. I remember the first time we had sex like this. It was the night he first told me he loved me. He made love to me for hours, never once taking a break, just holding me open and proving to me time and time again the truth in his words. It was beautiful, and some of the best sex we've ever had.

But it's not enough. It's not what I need to feel right now. "Baby, come on. Make me feel. Make me crave."

The rough, almost animalistic rumble in Kris's chest, answers me. The snap of his hips against mine, lets me know that he understands. That he needs this as much as i do. He was holding back, and if the bruising pace he quickly falls into says anything, Kris has been holding back for a while.

My eyes close, as my head falls back, and back arches. A loud, high-pitched moan fills the room, alongside heavy, wet skin reverberating against one another. It's lewd. It's filthy. I love it so much.

"Fuck, Tao. I missed this. I missed you." Kris cursed, his breathing labored, and husky as fuck. It's so delicious i can't help the dirty moan that spills from my lips. 

"I-i was always right here." I say, gasping out the words as Kris powerfully rolls his hips against my own. Slowly, sensually, before resuming his abuse. I know I'll be sore and bruised tomorrow, and i cant wait to look into the mirror and remember. Remember Kris reclaiming me as his.

"Fuck, i know. I'm sorry. I was stupid. You're still mine, and you always were." Kris says, hooking my knees over his shoulder and kissing the inside of my thigh, not breaking his pace once. I really don't know how I forgot about this man's stamina.

"Yours." I say, a sudden wave of emotions crashing into me, sending me off balance. 

The hand that reaches out, grasping at mine, and lacing our fingers together, grounds me. Centers me. Lets me know that Kris will always be here to keep me standing.

"Mine." Kris growls, darker this time. A word i haven't heard fall from his lips in such a raw, barbaric way, in far too long. It feels assertive, dominating. I love it so fucking much.

He angles his hips, clearly knowing my body way too well, and immediately has my back arching, my knees shaking, and my vision going blurry. It's consumingly good. Almost too much, but Kris knows i like a little bit of over-sensitivity. 

Kris pulls my legs off of his shoulders and leans in, hooking them around his back, while flushing his body against my own. The heavy, yet reassuring warmth of my boyfriend makes my chest clench. This is all i wanted. Passion aside, i just wanted to feel connected to the man i love. I just needed to feel whole again. And here with Kris's cock pressed firmly inside of me, striking my insides with undeniable accuracy, driving me absolutely mad, is where i feel the most absolute. 

Suddenly there's a tightening in my lower abdomen and my eyes roll back into my head. My orgasm is ripped out of me, by a certain abusing jab right to my sweet spot, synced perfectly with the painful jolt of Kris's teeth sinking into my neck. I don't even have the time to moan, or yell. Just silently spasm, as ripples of white hot pleasure surge through my body. 

Kris quickens his pace, pushing me through it, not letting up once. I feel all of it. Every sensitive nerve hyper aware of where he is and what he's doing. 

"Who do you belong to?" Kris hisses, and i can tell by how breathless it is, he's close. His pace, though rough, is sloppy, chasing. 

Even through the sensitivity, and muscle weakness, i squeeze around him. "You, Kris. I belong to you." I whimper, holding the man to my chest, as he comes undone, spilling inside of me.

Kris, still breathing heavy, lays his forehead down on my chest. A few minutes pass of trying to regulate vitals, and just enjoying the natural sounds of each other, being so close. He's still inside of me, but neither of us seem eager for him to pull out. Just letting the comforting feeling of being connected bond us tighter. 

I was a fool. I was stupid to think that the passion had died in our relationship, when clearly it has always been here all along, just waiting to be reclaimed.

"Mm, Kris" i hum, when i shift and feel him slowly drag inside of me.

Kris shushes me and leans up to press a kiss to my lips, whispering love and sealing promises there. 

"There's a lot to talk about still, Tao. I love you so much, but we still have to work through some things." Kris adds, his eyes staring adoringly into mine.

I nod and a small smile tugs at my lips "i know. I'm more than willing to fix things, Kris. As long as you keep looking at me like this, and fucking me like you just did."

Kris smirks and chuckles, suddenly thrusting his hips and pressing himself deeper inside of me. A deep moan vibrates my chest. Even while soft, Kris's length is impressive by most standards. It drives me insane in all the right ways.

I'm considering propositioning my lover for another round, when suddenly a large crash and a ridiculous amount of yelling pulls us out of our glowing bubble. We exchange a look and Kris gently pulls out of me with a regretful sigh, hurriedly scrambling off the bed and maneuvering into a pair of sweats and a random t-shirt.

I watch Kris, serious look on his face, rush out of the room. A small chuckle leaves my lips, when i realize a little to late that it was my shirt that Kris had thrown on. 

When i finally push myself out of bed, and into the bathroom to clean myself, i realize that i'm smiling subconsciously. Without even realizing it, i feel really happy. 

Kris and i will be alright. We're going to work everything out and move forward together, because we love each other enough to try... to fight.

Another crash sounds downstairs and i jump looking towards the door. A sigh falls from my lips, and i finish cleaning myself, throwing on Kris's shirt and my jeans from earlier. The comforting sent of my love fills my nostrils and i almost wish i could just lay back down and wrap myself in it, but judging by the shouting and loud thump downstairs, i'm certain i'm kind of needed.

Yeah, Kris and i will be fine... but everyone else? That's another story.

I rush out the room, nearly flying down the stairs. What i find at the base nearly makes my knees weak in surprise. 

Jongin lays on the ground, a hand over his face, while Kyungsoo pillows the younger's head on his lap. I can tell from here that there's already reddish purpling across his cheek and around his eye, despite his terrible attempt to cover it. 

Everyone else just stands there in surprise, staring wide eyed holes into the two on the ground. Chanyeol looks just as lost and in disbelief as i do, while Kris, Yixing, and Luhan just look around at the scene trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Sehun and Baekhyun are nowhere in sight. That's probably for the best. They're two people who need to stay out of this... whatever this is.

Kris finally seems to gain some coherency about him and shakes his head. I take a few steps to go stand beside Kris and breath in deeply, not even knowing where to begin in defusing this situation. "What the hell happened here?" 

Wide, almost betrayed eyes meet mine. Kris's lips are parted, like the words he wants to push across them are almost too painful to manage and they hold a slight tremble. If i hadn't known this man's every feature so well, i would have missed it, but i do and my heart plummets to the floor. "Kris?"

The question that leaves his lips next, i know will always haunt me "you slept with Baekhyun?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's the first part from the party. I don't feel that Kris and Tao's part had to be too detailed. i mean, they've been together for years, so literally they just needed to work some shit out. The more intensive talking will happen later, but their stories aren't as dramatic as the others. Prepare for Baekyeol and Kaisoo is all i'm saying for that.
> 
> The're not much i want to say about this, other than finally. These two have been a pin in my ass since the beginning. I'm a huge person on communication, so when people won't talk to each other when they clearly need to, it frustrates the hell out of me.
> 
> ChanBaek is up next, guys. See you then!


	26. Not as drunk as i should be (Baekyeol) {party}

~Baekhyun~

The sun is high in the sky when i finally leave the house. I seriously hate weekend's. Especially Friday's, because it's the only time i really 'have' to go to class and it usually marks the beginning of my work week. Though, my dad surprised my mom with a weekend out of town, so he just went ahead and closed the club this weekend. 

Which i guess is why Kris thought it was a good idea to throw a fucking party. I'm kind of indifferent to the whole thing. I'm not sure if i want to hide away in my room, or attempt some sort of social interaction. Maybe i could steal Jongin away from the party and...

"Byun" the professor calls as I enter the lab, stopping me in my tracks as well as mid thought.

I turn slowly, curious as to why my teacher, (who usually reserves this period for his daily nap) is calling for me.

"Yes?" I ask, annunciating each letter individually.

"You're late" he grumbles, his arms crossed in displeasure.

I tilt my head and narrow my eyes in thought "when am I not?"

My professor takes a deep breath, closing his eyes in the barely controlled agitation currently filling him. "Get to your desk. The president of our department did a walk through this morning. He was displeased by your lack of progression. You're already on thin ice with him, so I suggest you get a fire lit under your ass, boy"

Dread fills me and I swallow hard. Shit, I thought I'd had another month before the president did his damn walk through. I recognize that I have been slightly distracted, and that I may have been procrastinating the tiniest bit. But I thought I had more time. Fuck.

I nearly run to my work table, and pull out the file for the plans of my year end project. It's time to get my shit in gear and bust some ass. I may tend to slack off a bit, but my major and grades are important to me. No matter how much I would love to sit here and obsess over my steadily dilapidating relationship with my best friend, my focus needs to be elsewhere right now. 

That's the one thing I've always been able to count on, though. No matter how much I'm going through or dealing with, I know Chanyeol will always be there when I come back.

>>>>

~Chanyeol~

The first time it happened could have been passed off as an accident, even without an apology i could easily brush it off, and move on... but the third and now forth time... Something's clearly up.

I stand up straight from where i had just brought in a rather heavy box from Kris's car. Rather routine, especially for a party and I had been bringing boxes in all morning, but something keeps happening. Something that's becoming more and more increasingly annoying by the second. On the way inside, Yixing, Tao, and now Sehun have all managed to knock in to me at least once.

Childish shoulder bumps, or obviously not accidental steps on my feet. I'm not that gifted with coordination on my good days. Add in my recent knee injury thanks to Minseok and his psychotic workout regimen, plus these guys doing their little brat routine has almost caused me to tank multiple times. 

"Seriously, guys. What the hell?" I turn around, to find everyone's eyes looking everywhere but me. Not suspicious in the slightest.

"What's wrong?" Someone asks, and my breath catches.

Glancing over to the study, i find Baekhyun walking towards me, a book slotted between his fingers marking a page. I always found him most beautiful like this. Glasses perched on the edge of his nose, book in hand, in an over-sized sweatshirt and worn jeans. That's 'my' Baekhyun.

Like this, he isn't the fabricated person on everyone's lips. No, like this, he's just my Baek. My best friend who spends hours in the library, hid away from the world, and lost in his own. I used to be a part of that world.

"Just the guys playing around." I say, dropping my gaze, unable to look at him for some reason.

Baekhyun hums in acknowledgment, and stops next to Yixing, giving him a pointed look "well, I'm sure the playing around can wait. We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, would we?"

Yixing winces, almost as if guilty about something and i realize I'm missing something. 

Glancing up, i meet Baekhyun's eyes. My best friend... My whole world held there in the honey brown, sparkling pools of his gorgeous globes. He's finally looking at me. After days of silence and empty expressions, my best friend is finally right here in front of me. Gods how I've missed him.

I move to step forward to reach for him, but before i can even get my foot fully on the ground, Baekhyun is being pulled away from me by Tao and Yixing, who are sending the best "go to hell" looks I've ever seen. The library door slams with a sound of finality locking my world away from me, and i flinch at how hallow it makes me feel. 

Yeah, i'm defiantly missing something. 

....

"What the hell is going on? I'm so confused." I say, taking a deep frustrated breath.

Chen chuckles on the other end of the line, the sound of crashing waves can be heard faintly in the background "maybe they're all banding together."

Kris scoffs and shakes his head despite Chen not being able to see him. "The twinkateers have always banded together, this is different. They've even pulled Sehun onto their side."

It's early. Too early to be awake on a Saturday, but Kris had woken me up to help with the party preparations. In the mist of it, our darling house father had called to check in on us, and now here we are. Sitting on the porch in the early morning light, drinking coffee, and venting to a man that has been more of a father to us in the last year, than our own.

We hear a sigh on the other end of the phone and i kind of regret bringing Chen into our problems. This was supposed to be his relaxing weekend away from us, and now we're making him feel stressed and regretful.

"Remember what i had told you guys a couple weeks ago. The story about the two people who were in love but never said anything, never communicated and because of it missed out on something that could have been really amazing?" Chen questions, his usual dad lecture voice in place.

"Yeah, you said that silence never fixes anything." I say, already knowing where he's going with this.

"Exactly." Chen says calmly, his soft voice almost soothing "boys, i know you're young and sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in life and the constant battle between your head and heart, but at the end of the day, nothing will be solved by holding everything in. People will always surprise you by how understanding they can be. The best we can do is be honest with ourselves as well as others and find a middle ground."

"But what if you can't?" Kris asks, his eyes looking worn.

I sigh and reach over placing a comforting hand on Kris's shoulder, getting a small appreciative smile in return. 

"Don't let the 'what ifs' stop you, guys. You can sit there all day and worry about the 'what if's', but nothing will ever come of life if you stop yourself from moving forward due to the fear of what could go wrong. That's like wanting to watch a movie but not going because you're afraid it will be bad. If it's a bad movie then you say "damn, that sucked", You chalk it up as an experience and move on. Your life isn't ruined because of one bad movie and there will always be better movies. One day you'll find your favorite movie of all time and you'll watch it over and over and never be disappointed. Don't let yourself get stuck in the what could go wrongs, because what if it goes right? You'll never know until you take a step, boys."

"I'm scared, Chen. I'm scared of losing him." I say, finally voicing a fear aloud. "I'm scared of making a step and never being able to walk again. Baek is everything to me, and I'm fucking terrified."

There a small wistful sigh from the other end and i know the man is about to lay out his best words of wisdom.

"Fear means you're on the right path, Yeol. Nothing worth doing is ever going to be easy. All of those years ago, before i got sober, i knew what that fear felt like. So many times i almost got myself together and went after the things i wanted, but fear stopped me. The 'what if's' stopped me. I sometimes look back and wonder what would have happened, who i would have been if I had just gotten over myself and pushed through the fear. So many of my years were wasted that way, but you're still young. You still have plenty of mistakes ahead of you. And trust me, mistakes are a lot easier to swallow than regrets." Chen says, putting some things into perspective.

"But what if you regret the mistake?" Kris asks, biting at his lip and furrowing his brow, his signature worrying expression. 

"Never regret the mistakes, guys. Those are the things that made you grow. Evolved you as a person. Never regret, because regrets are mistakes you didn't learn from." Chen says making it sound so simple.

"I can deal with the pain of losing Tao if i tried to keep him. Tried to fight for him. But i refuse to watch him walk away because i was the one who opened the door." Kris says, a tone in his voice that i haven't heard in a while. Fucking finally.

"That's my boy." Chen's tone drips with pride and i know he has been waiting for the spark to light in Kris too.

"Talk to him tonight. You two need to work some shit out." I say, squeezing Kris's shoulder once again.

Kris nods, the a devilish little smirk tugs at his lips "only if you do. If i make a move, you have to too, Yeol."

My eyes widen and I feel my face scrunch into despair. It's easy enough to tell others to put their big boy panties on, but when it comes to doing yourself, it's a different story. "But... people... there will be people around and you know Baek is a social butterfly. He'll never notice me among a party."

Kris lifts an eyebrow and scoffs "you really underestimate how much that boy cares for you. He never takes his eyes off of you, Chanyeol. You never notice, but when you're not staring at him, he's staring at you."

Blinking steadily, i digest Kris's words and wonder what exactly he means by them. Baekhyun doesn't notice me like that... right?

"What party?" Abruptly breaks me out of my head.

Kris and i glance at each other in panic and spend a minute pushing the phone into each other's hands, silently arguing about who should answer.

"Boys?" Comes a stern question.

"Um, we didn't say party. We said 'smarty', as in it's time to get more smarty. No party here. Just us good little students who are doing their homework and getting to bed early." I say in a fluster.

"Park fucking Chanyeol, if you do-"

"Oh, boy. Look at the time. So much homework to do. Got to get on that. Bye, Chen. Love you." Kris says in a hurry, clicking the red button cutting off our house dad, who is probably going to kill us when he gets back.

We sit in silence for a beat, before Kris sighs and stands up "smarty, really?"

I wince and grumble out a "i panicked" before standing up myself, wobbling a bit as i put pressure on my bad knee. Kris's face pulls into a worried grimace and reaches out to steady me.

"You should really get that checked out." Kris says, squeezing my arm.

I shrug and follow Kris inside, while internally hoping Kris chickens out so i don't have to do this. I miss Baekhyun, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to face him yet.

>>>>>>

~Baekhyun~

"Did you see the look on that guy's face?" Jongin asks, his expression a mixture of amusement and awe.

I shake my head, and snort at how unbelievably happy he looks. Maybe they are made for each other. "do you understand why we call him SatanSoo now? He's all sweet and squishy, until you piss him off then... well, you saw."

Jongin giggles and nods his head, like an excited child. I roll my eyes at the love-drunk idiot and pet his head gently, to which he wraps an arm around my waist, causing me to grin at the moron. I'm seriously happy for the kid. What Kyungsoo just did for him, means more than anyone could ever articulate. I'm not a huge fan of the tiny Satan, but I have to respect his balls. All of us were ready to scrap for Jongin, but Kyungsoo was the only one who mattered. Defense coming from him, means there's hope. Means that Jongin might get his happy ending after all. The kid deserves it. I'm tired of seeing him hurt by weak assholes who don't have the guts to stand up and be proud to have Jongin standing next to them.

"Take your arm off of him." A voice whines abruptly, and I don't even have to look to know who it belongs to. My eyes close automatically in exasperation. 

I take a deep breath and turn around, opening my eyes to find my best friend, giving me a slightly desperate expression, rather than his normal angry one. It's surprising, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm still upset as hell at the man, and need more time to think things through. I really don't know how we're supposed to get past this.

I regard Chanyeol, noticing Kyungsoo standing behind him with a worried expression. Forever the guardian watchdog. My frustration isn't at Kyungsoo though, it's at the dumbass I'm in love with standing before me, swaying a bit back and forth.

When a short silence fills the space between us; Chanyeol still not saying anything, while frowning at the arm still tucked around my middle, my patience runs out. I roll my eyes and sigh dramatically, before turning away from him to mount the stairs. 

"Baek... Wait." Chanyeol says, catching my wrist, staggering a bit. He's drunk. I want to talk to Chanyeol, finally work out some shit because the giant dumbass is just too important to me, but not like this.

"Go back to Kyungsoo, Yeol. I'm not in the mood." I say, attempting to walk up the stairs once again, thinking about the mass of homework sitting on my desk, needing to be addressed.

Normally, I'd be right in the mist of this. Being a social person is just who i am. I love talking to people and meeting new friends. My mom always used to curse me when i was younger for talking to random people everywhere we went. He'd always say that i didn't know a stranger. Hell, i guess i still don't. 

Honestly, i would have given anything to be here a few months ago, but I'm just not feeling it. Whether it be my pressing deadline, or my need for space to think a lot of things through. I don't really want to be here right now. Which surprises me that Chanyeol is. Where I'm usually the life of the party, Chanyeol's content to hang out on the sidelines, or even in some cases, retreat to the seclusion of his room. 

But here he is, my dumbass of a best friend, drunk off his ass. He's literally like a giant puppy, craving love and affection when he drinks. It's cute most of the time, but right now it just makes my chest throb.

"Chanyeol, we can talk later. I'm going to my room." I say, attempting to pull his hand off of me.

Chanyeol's face pulls into a deep pout and his fingers claw at my shirt sleeve, trying to hold on. "But you won't talk to me. You've been ignoring me all week, and i miss you."

My heart clenches painfully at that, and the desire to forgive him and pull him into my arms is almost unbearable... but, i just can't. That's the fucking kicker out of this. Chanyeol hasn't even tried to apologize, because he doesn't even know what he did wrong. He doesn't even know how bad his words cut me, and it so damn hard to talk to him, because even though I'm mad at him and i can barely look at his stupid face right now. I still love him. I don't want Chanyeol to look at me differently. 

And yet... drunk Chanyeol won't remember this, will he? Chanyeol's infamous for forgetting what he does when he drinks. He's done some crazy shit while intoxicated, (like sticking a suction-cup dildo to the statue of our founding father and being detained by campus security for the night, kind of crazy) but always claimed innocence the next day without even a bit of hesitance. 

"Yeol... you really hurt me." I say, taking a step up the stairs to be eye to eye with the freak of nature.

The pain filled grimace that pulls at his lips, almost makes me regret this... almost. "I don't even know what I did wrong."

I take a deep breath and stabilize myself. 'You can do this' i reassure myself. "You called me a whore, Chanyeol."

Chanyeol reels back, his hand dropping from my shirt sleeve, as his eyebrows knit in confusion. Obviously his brain is trying to come up with when exactly he insulted me. "No, i called Jongin a whore."

I sigh and glance over his shoulder at Jongin, who hangs his head slightly seeming to find the floor exceedingly interesting. Kyungsoo's face has hardened into unemotional disinterest, but i recognize the blaze in his eyes that tells me otherwise. "I asked you what you'd think if i was the same, Chanyeol. You said you'd be disgusted. You said I'm better than that, but I'm not. I've slept around with more people last year than Jongin has in his whole life. Calling him a whore, is like slapping me in the face."

He seems to digest this, looking like the information i just provided isn't exactly computing. I guess that's what happens when the version in your head is smashed to pieces with reality. "I don't... but i ..."

I scoff at his impression of a fish "Jesus, Yeol. Is your view of Jongin that skewed? That's still not a lot of people. I love sex, and I'm as open with my body as i can be, but i don't just bed hop, and neither does he. We're sexual promiscuous, yes, but we don't run around fucking anything that can walk. Jongin has slept with two people in the past six months, and I'm one of them." I yell, getting even more heated the more i speak... but then the fire drains from my body all at once, leaving me cold at what just came out of my mouth.

Chanyeol seems to feel the same, judging by the look of complete shock on his face. It would normally be fascinating watching so many emotions cross his eyes. I can see each one enter, then fade as another overpowers it. In this context though, it just leaves me feeling achingly numb, especially once his eyes harden and he seems to settle on anger. 

"You slept with Jongin?" Chanyeol asks in a scarily calm voice. 

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, feeling way too unprepared for this. It's not that i never planned on telling Chanyeol about Jongin, it's just that i never wanted it to come out like this. I never wanted him to get hurt by this, but here he is, hurt as deeply as he can be. At least it came from me.

"Yes, we've been involved in a sexual relationship since the beginning of this semester." I add, deciding to just lay all of it out in the table. It's time i stop running, and face my best friend head on. It's not like he'll remember anyways. "But, it was only because I've been waiting for you to get your own head out of your ass."

Chanyeol's lip curls at this new information and he looks like he either wants to punch me in the face, or start crying. Honestly, I'm not sure which would be the lesser of the evils. "You've been fucking around with him for months and you want to blame that on me?"

My eyes narrow, and i cross my arms. I notice that a small group of people are forming around us, and I really don't want to do this with an audience, but damn it, I'm tired of waiting. Drunk or not, Chanyeol will know the truth whether i like it or not. It'll be all over campus. There's no more hiding. Out with it then.

"I'm not blaming it on anyone. There's nothing to blame, because i did nothing wrong. Jongin and i are both single. We're both clean. And we're both in love with idiots who don't understand how to man the fuck up and do something about it." I yell, fixing Chanyeol with a challenging look.

Astonishment makes its entrance alongside the anger, and Chanyeol flinches slightly. "W-what?"

I groan and drop my arms, clenching my fists together "I'm fucking in love with you, Park Chanyeol. I have been for a long time, but you're too fucking clueless, and I'm so tired of waiting around for you to get it. I'm hurt that you think of Jongin as a whore, because that means by your definition, i am too. I'm hurt that you've been wasting so much damn time trying to figure yourself out, while I'm over here dying for you just to love me. I've been waiting for so long, and I'm just done with it. I need you. I need you as more than just a best friend.

When i look up, realizing that i had lowered my gaze, Chanyeol looks as if he can't breath. His eyes wide and his jaw dropped. "I ...i love you too, Baek."

A sigh falls from my lips and i shake my head, a blurriness filling my vision. "I know."

Chanyeol's face softens and he steps forward, but i hold up my hand "don't."

"But, i..."

"I'm still really hurt, Yeol. How could you say things like that? How could you place a label on me that everyone else did? You're my best friend. Out of anyone, you're supposed to see me clearly. You're always supposed to be on my side." I say, finally letting the tears I've been swallowing for too long, fall. 

Chanyeol makes a low squeak of distress "fuck, Baek. Please don't cry. I'm sorry. I never saw you that way, i swear."

"It didn't feel that way, Chanyeol." I yell, slapping his hand away as he tries to reach out to me again.

"Please, Baek. Will you fucking listen to me for once in your damn life?" Chanyeol barks, his own voice raising in desperation.

"Don't talk to him like that." A voice I really wish would just stay out of it this time, intervenes.

I'm already down the stairs and pushing between the two before they can get to each other "Jongin, please. Let me handle this."

Jongin's eyes, hard and angry, soften when they snap to my own. He looks a bit like a kicked puppy. "He's being a dick."

I take a deep breath, sighing then nodding "i know, but he's drunk. Let me handle this."

Jongin eyebrows scrunch together and he blinks at me "Baek, he's not..."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Chanyeol roars, "this has nothing to do with you, and now you want to have a little chat? I'm going to fucking kick your ass, Kim Jongin." 

"Calm down, Chanyeol." Kyungsoo says, pushing Chanyeol back. His chest leaving my hand.

I send a thankful glance at the other. For once we seem to be on the same side. "Everyone needs to calm the fuck down."

"Not while that fucker is still near you." Chanyeol's usual booming voice sounds even more rough when he's pissed and yelling. I've never seen him this worked up before. He stares holes through my hand still placed securely on Jongin's sternum.

Jongin's eyes ignite in that familiar way that makes me internally curse, and push him back a little further. That's the last thing we need right now. "Like you're any better, asshole. You've done nothing but hurt him. At least i made him feel good and cared for."

"Jongin." I warn, but it's too late. 

Chanyeol surges forward, surprisingly pushing past the demon known as Kyungsoo and thrusts his hands into Jongin's chest, sending him flailing back out of my reach, and crashing into a table. A ceramic bowl falls to the ground, shattering. No one pays it any attention. Chanyeol then grabs my arm and yanks me towards him. "Stay the fuck away from him!" 

Jongin is standing inches away from Chanyeol's face in seconds, matching sneers taking on their lips. Seriously? Are they rabid animals? "I doubt he has the same opinion. After all, when you're fucked that well you always come crawling back for more."

My eyes widen and i know exactly who's running the show now. I wince and prepare for the worst, but luckily it doesn't happen. I glance over to Chanyeol to find him struggling in Kris's arms, his back to the older's chest. I breath a sigh of relief and take to dealing with the idiot known as Kai.

"Enough." I tell him, "just stop it now, or we're all going to say things we regret."

"I agree with Baekhyun. Everyone just needs to calm down and take a breath." Kris's loud, authoritative tone says, dismissing most of the crowd surrounding the drama.

"No, he needs to hear the truth. His precious little Baekhyun isn't as pure as his delusional mind makes him out to be. It's ridiculous and he needs a reality check." Kai hisses, his eyes seeming to challenge Kris rather than Chanyeol at this point.

My eyebrows knit, and i shake my head at the sudden headache that coming on. Fuck this. Fuck everything about this. I take a step back from Kai, and receive a panicky, pleading look from Kyungsoo. I take a deep breath and fix him with a look that says it all. I'm done. I'm not Jongin's keeper, nor am i Kai's. 

"Jongin, stop." Kris says, his eyes dark and threatening.

Kai's lips twitch into that signature smirk of his and a shiver goes up my spine... this isn't good. "Come on, Kris. Let's inform Chanyeol of how well 'traveled' his little best friend is."

Kris's eyes narrow, and his hold tightens on a cursing, struggling Chanyeol. "I have no idea what you're talking about, and it's none of my business."

Kai's eyes glimmer with a wickedness that forces me to take a step back, and I'm nearly fascinated to see Kyungsoo take a step towards the holy terror that is Kai, out of the corner of my eye. "Are you sure? Maybe you should ask, Tao. I'm sure your boyfriend can share some insight into the subject very well."

My eyes widen and my breath catches. No one knows about that.... no one is supposed to know about that... how does... how... what? Kris's eyes snap to mine, as well as Chanyeol's, and pretty much the rest of the room. Fuck.

"What is he talking about, Baekhyun?" Kris asks.

The lump I'm my throat refuses to go down and my lungs don't seem to want to function properly "i-i ..."

My lack of an answer is enough for Kris and his eyes drop. Guilt and regret surges through me. I want to explain. I want to tell him what really happened. Fuck. I want to tell everyone the truth and explain myself, but i know no one is listening right now. Too much alcohol mixed with heightened emotion isn't helping anything.

I groan and run a hand through my hair "I'm so over this. Fuck you guys." I spit, and head towards the door, grabbing my coat.

"Baek." I hear over my shoulder, causing me to pause. He would be the one to call out to me right now. 

I hang my head and release a sigh. "You know where to find me when you're ready to talk." I say, raising my voice so he can hear.

The door slams behind me, just in time to hear more yelling, a loud smack and a round of gasps and shouts follow it. I'm tempted to go back inside and see what happened, but i just can't bring myself to care that much. I'm just so fucking tired. Chanyeol will find me when he needs to, and until we work things out, there's no point in me being here.

When i step out onto the lawn, feeling the cold evening air breeze through my hair, an abrupt streak of lightening, followed by a loud crack of thunder fills the sky. The onslaught of a sudden downpour, soaks me in seconds, and makes me stand there thinking about the perfect poetics of this moment. I really fucking hate weekends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some ChanBaek. 
> 
> Shits getting real guys and it's only going to get worse. Never let Kyungsoo near frying pans, that's all I'm saying. 
> 
> Sorry for a bit of a lull between updates. School's rough this semester, but I'm getting through. Just bear with me guys.
> 
> There's not much to talk about with this chapter, because it speaks for itself, but if you guys do have any questions or comments, send them my way.
> 
> KaiSoo is up next. See you then. Byes!


	27. Hello Kai (Kaisoo) {party}

~Jongin~

"What are you doing?" The deep words rattle through the room, causing me to cringe at how instantly ashamed I feel. I rush to close my laptop, but i can feel Kyungsoo's penetrating stare over my shoulder.

"Jongin, what are you doing?" Kyungsoo asks, his voice leaving little time for hesitation. 

Ducking my head, i keep my back to Kyungsoo, not wanting him to see my shame. It's probably no use though, i know Soo. He can smell guilt a mile away.

"Um... just looking over my assignments..." i mutter, my high pitched, squeaky voice far from the intended nonchalance.

A deep sigh fills me with dread. I've been caught.

"Jongin." Kyungsoo deadpans.

It's funny how just the sounds of my name from this mans lips can completely incapacitate me. I'm helpless to his demand, even when i know my own condemnation awaits me at the other end of my confession.

A whine releases itself from my throat and i finally turn around to face the older. The whine quickly dies however, once my eyes meet a sweat-pant clad Soo, complete with a tight black T-shirt that really should be illegal on him. Fuck my life.

"I was playing League with one of my friends." I explain.

Expectantly, Kyungsoo's eyebrows furrow "why? Did you already finish your paper?"

I cringe wholeheartedly and advert my eyes "not... not exactly."

Kyungsoo blinks at me, his expressionless eyes boring holes in me "have you even started it?"

I close my eyes and invert deeper into myself. "...no" i squeak out, not even daring to look at him.

The disappointed sigh that falls from his gorgeous lips, hits harder than i expected it to. 

"Come on, let's go." Soo says, turning from me, and heading out of my room.

I blink at the now empty doorway and tilt me head. I'm not really sure what to do. Normally, I'd follow Kyungsoo anywhere without question, but with how things have been between us lately, I'm unsure. I'm so tired of hurting Kyungsoo. Every time I push him away or every time I avoid this 'thing' we have between us, he ends up taking most of the hurt, and it kills me. I miss him, but I can't bring myself to give in. Why does everything have to be so confusing?

"Jongin" i hear again, and focus back in on Soo, giving me a questioning stare, peeking around my door.

"But... i .."

"Come on, just come to my room, we can finish your project there. That assignments worth a pretty hefty part of our grade, Jongin." He says, walking into my room and grabbing my arm, yanking me out of my desk chair.

"Y-Your room?" I stutter out.

"Yeah, i already have my books and things in there, so it will just make it easier. My assignments almost done, so I can help you with yours since I have a pretty good handle on it." Kyungsoo explains, pulling me so nonchalantly.

"But you also have a bed in there"

I don't even have to look at him to know he's rolling his eyes. "that's why it's called a bedroom, Jongin"

"No, Kyungsoo, you don't understand"

"It'll be fine, Jongin. Trust me, i won't try to seduce you or anything" Kyungsoo says, with a small tilt of his lips. Gods, I've forgot what his smile looks like.

"It's not you i'm worried about" i say under my breath, and take a large breath before Kyungsoo pulls us into his room, and sealing the door, along with my fate behind him.

....

~Kyungsoo~

Jongin's fingers pause on my computer, and looks, our eyes meeting for a spit second. His cheeks redden for a second, before ducking his head and going back to typing. I'm pretty sure he's just hitting random keys, but it's too cute to call him out on it. I made him start his paper on my laptop, because i know for a fact that there's zero gaming software on it anywhere. 

He's been doing surprisingly well. Every once in a while i'll look over what he's written and i'm happily taken aback at how good he's doing. I know that Jongin is exceptionally smart, but it's at moments like this that it really shines. Jongin's never allowed himself to see clearly. He's so talented and brilliant, but he refuses to let himself see past the views of other people. For someone who always seems so sexy and confident, he really sees himself as lacking. It kind of breaks my heart.

"See what happens when you stop playing games with Taemin and actually do your homework?" I ask, once again reading over Jongin's shoulder.

Jongin sits up a bit straighter and his fingers falter on the board, clearly not realizing that i was behind him. "I know... i just have a terrible habit of procrast-... wait, how do you now Taemin? Or that i was playing with him?"

I wave away his question, deciding now isn't the best time to get into that, and read over more of his paper. I lean in to fix a few spelling and grammatical mistakes, but when i turn my head, i realize my mistake. Jongin's wide eyes meet mine, as our faces rest inches from one another.

"S-Soo..." Jongin's voice whispers across my lips, a quiet warning.

I swallow thickly, my gaze flicking between his lips and his glowing dark globs. There's a dark ring around his grayish brown eyes... It's stunning. 

"Kyungsoo." Jongin says firmer this time, heeding me again.

A sigh falls from my lips, and i just cant seem to find that self control i usually covet so entirely. My lips crash into Jongin's with a hungry growl, and he doesn't even hesitate to respond. A hand wraps tightly around the back of my head, as i'm yanked forward, situated on Jongin's lap so quickly i can barely register it happened.

Gasping, i pull away to breathe much needed oxygen into my lungs. It doesn't phase Jongin in the slightest, as he begins kissing down my jaw, to my neck, sucking marks into the sensitive flesh.

"Jongin." i say with a gaspy moan, threading my right hand through his hair while my left grasps onto his bicep.

Jongin's hands find their way to my hips, holding firmly, and making me breathless. Gods it feels so good to have his hands on me, controlling and strong. It's perfect.

His fingers grasp at my sweatpants, pulling at it like he wants nothing more than to rip them off, and releasing a husky growl in the back of his throat. It nearly makes me want to oblige in the ripping of my sweatpants.

"Fuck. Jongin." i groan, tugging at his hair, which makes him move his lips back up to my own, assaulting me once again.

My heart threatens to break my ribs, as Jongin infuses my veins with his need. It's so damn raw, i didn't know Jongin could produce this type of intensity. It's startling in the best way, yet still startling. So surprising that, my thoughts even out, and things click into place, instantly unsettling me.

"Jongin...slow down" i say, pulling away. 

Once again, Jongin moves down, this time yanking my shirt down to attack my clavicles. A weak spot for me. It almost makes me want to give in and just let what may be, but... not like this.

"Jongin, wait." i say again, a little firmer, pushing on his shoulder.

Again, my call of his name goes unheard. My heart-rate peeks again for another reason, and i take a deep stabilizing breath, pushing against his shoulder once again.

"Kai, stop." I say, my voice deep and commanding.

Jongin pulls away from me instantly, ripping away like i just turned to acid. His eyes find mine, a strange darkness filling them. So this is Kai? There's a wickedness to him, and it's fascinating.

Our eyes stay locked, almost as if challenging one another. 

"Kyungsoo." My breath catches, because I swear his voice has dropped a few octaves than his usual tone.

I sit up straighter, placing my hands on Jongin's chest to create some distance. Jongin's, or well Kai's eyes narrow, and he tilts his head analyzing me. It oddly has me biting my lip, and adverting my eyes. He appears to like that, considering the devilish smirk that envelopes his lips.

I'm about to climb off of his lap, but Jongin's hands tighten, holding me down. A gasp parts my lips, as Jongin rolls his hips up, showing me just how affected he is, and creating friction i didn't know i wanted. A light moan slips out without my permission, which seems to satisfy the demon even more.

As much as i'd love to give in to Kai, i feel like some progress needs to be made with Jongin first. I need Jongin to quit running. I need Jongin to be the one to want me like this. I need Jongin. This isn't right.

"No." i say, taking my hands off of his chest, and grabbing his hands on my hips. "i don't want this."

Jongin's smirk deepens, followed by another roll. I bite back a moan and take a deep breath, when Kai's sexy voice husks out a "you sure?"

My throat clenches, because no, no i'm not sure, but i have to be. I want to scream with how bad i want to let Jongin just ruin me, but i can't. Not like this.

"Yes. Hands off." i say, attempting to push Jongin's hands off of me.

The playful pout that crosses his face, pushes the bounds of my self control. Fuck me... please? "Come on, Soo. Play with me."

"No, Jongin. Let me go." I say, trying to stand up, only to be pulled back down.

"Just a little taste, baby." Jongin says, attempting to reclaim his hold. 

"Kai. i said no." i say more firmly, putting more strength in my grip.

All at once, Jongin's hands drop, and his face relaxes into a bored, discontent. Clearly Kai isn't someone who likes not getting what he wants. Kind of childish, but i guess that's the point. Kai was formed when Jongin was a child, so that's the way he protects Jongin, by acting out like a kid.

I stand on slightly weak legs, and climb off of Jongin's lap. I don't miss for a second the eyes boring holes into my every movement, especially the lingering gaze focused on my certain problem at the front of my sweatpants.

I clear my throat "Jongin, you should leave."

Jongin smirks again and stands up, backing me against my desk "or i could stay." he tries again to tempt me.

"No, Jongin." i say firmly, holding out a hand, pushing him back.

"Come on, Soo.." he says, trying to draw me back in. His hand brushes across my hip, traveling down my thigh, and ending up pressing against my hardness. My brain says to pull away, but my hips have another idea.

The triumphant smirk that pushes across his lips, just increases my frustration. It's an intense battle between my body and my head. At this point, i don't know which one i want to win. His palm presses harder against me.

The slap the echoes through the room, answers my question. Jongin blinks, surprise and confusion deep routed in his eyes, as they zero in on his hand that i just slapped away from my crotch. 

"Get out." i say, my voice edged with venom i didn't know i was feeling.

A clearing blink meets my gaze, followed by an intense wave of guilt and regret crossing his face. The fog lifts, and there it is. There he is, my Jongin. He's back, and once again, he's dealing with the mess Kai leaves behind. 

"I'm sorry, Soo. I promise... It'll never happen again." he says so lowly, i almost don't hear him, then lifts his eyes, searching my own.

There's a short nod, and then Jongin's eyes drop. He takes a step back, then another, and another. With each step, i watch him cave more and more in on himself, and my chest clenches harder.

I want to reach out, to tell him to stop, but i can't. There's nothing i can say that i already haven't. So, i let Jongin walk out. Running once again.

>>>>>

~Jongin~

"What's up with you?" Baekhyun asks, nudging me gently. 

Apparently, due to the fact that Baekhyun is hiding out in the kitchen, he's feeling this party just as much as i am. We've been standing here for a while now, people watching and whatnot. I thought i had been decently concealing my mood, but Baek's a lot more perceptive than people give him credit for. 

I had been trying to deal with what happened earlier and push it out of my mind. But i just can't. My brain keeps cycling images of what Kyungsoo's face looked like when he yelled at me, when he told me to get out with such utter finality. The look in his eyes when he slapped my hand away. It was the look I've been expecting from the beginning. The hatred and anger that threw up the wall i had been waiting on. 

"Soo met Kai." i say simply, knowing it's all ill need.

Baekhyun's head snaps in my direction, his mouth parted in surprise "What happened?"

I chuckle darkly and shrug "Exactly what i presumed would."

Baekhyun's features soften, his eyes sympathetic. I can tell he want's to argue, that he wants to convince me that this isn't what is supposed to happen, but how can he? We both know what Kai does. How many he's pushed out of my life. So why would Kyungsoo be any different?

"I'm sorry, Jongin." Baekhyun says, and i know he means it. He knows this type of heartbreak.

I expect the hand on my arm, Baekhyun's usual way of comforting, but what i don't expect is the arms that wrap around my waist. I breath out a small laugh and look over my shoulder at an smiling Sehun, who cocks his head to the side and meets my eyes. He gives me his best reassuring gaze, and i know he's here for me. He always is, and it actually makes me feel a little less like my chest is caving in. 

"Everything okay?" Yixing pops up, trailed behind a curious looking Luhan, who's staring obviously at the linked arms still around my waist. I'll have to remember to get some information out of Sehun later on that one.

"We're good." Baekhyun says, turning to the table we had been standing next to and jumping onto a bar-stool, then starts attaching the guacamole and chips Tao had set out earlier. "We might have to invite Jongin to live with us, too." Baek says, and i tilt my head, about to ask what he means, especially when Yixing smiles like he gets it completly, but i'm stopped in my tracks, and left a little sucker punched.

"Well look at this. Is this a line? Because id gladly get in on that." An annoyingly loud voice interrupts us.

"Excuse me?" i ask, lifting a confused eyebrow at the stranger.

The stranger grins at being acknowledged, and i immediately know my mistake. "A line." he says, gesturing to Luhan and Yixing, before Sehun who's still wrapped around me.

Sehun growls and steps around me, standing between the heckler and me. "Seriously, fuck off."

The stranger laughs like this is the funniest thing he's ever heard. "oh sorry, was i supposed to make an appointment first? Do i make it with you? Are you his handler?" He asks, turning to Baekhyun now.

"What exactly are you getting at?" Baekhyun asks, the irritation clear in his voice.

I reach over and place my hand on his arm, and his eyes snap to mine "don't, Baek. It's not worth it" I whisper.

The guy chuckles absurdly, like it should be obvious "I'm saying he's a whore and everyone knows it. It was just a matter of time before he started getting paid for it."

Baekhyun and Sehun move at the same time, but I grab Baek just as he jumps out of his seat, and Yixing grabs Sehun before he can get two steps across the room. Yixing looks over to me and gives me a thankful yet apologetic look, we both know what it would mean if they got into a fight. 

Sehun is on scholarship and Baekhyun is already on probation, they can't risk anything, especially for a stupid jerk at a party.

"Come on, I'm not wrong. There's been so many people between your legs, I'm surprised you don't start a sign in sheet" he barks, laughing at his terribly articulated insult.

Out of the corner of my eyes I see Kyungsoo enter the room. My heart stops, wondering how much he heard, how much he's finally connecting about who i really am. He doesn't seem to surprised or impressed with the scene in front of him, and moves around us, toward the sink. Probably just getting water. I sigh feeling a slight ping that he doesn't even seem to be bothered by what this guy is saying, and yet I can't really blame him. I feel the prickle in the back of my head, but don't try to swallow it, Kai's always known how to deal with these situations the best. I feel Kai's signature smirk fill my lips, as darkness fills my consciousness.

Kyungsoo knows about Kai now, Kyungsoo's seen the side of me I never wanted him to and now he knows the truth, he knows the truth in this guys words. It doesn't matter anymore, Kai can take over and do his worst now. I've already lost Soo.

My interest is pulled elsewhere for a second, though, when I catch movement out of the corner of my eyes. Even Kai's attention is caught as he waits on the sidelines, sitting back for his moment to take hold. I watch Kyungsoo rummage through the kitchen cabinets, with a distant and even bored expression plastered across his face. I tune out the drunk fraternity boy, watching the small boy across the room pull out a small red frying pan, one I've seen him cook pancakes and eggs in.

My eyebrows furrow and I'm about to stand to ask Kyungsoo what he's doing, forgetting about my promise to stay away from the boy. Even Kai's interest has been lost in the drunkard, and is focused on Soo's actions.

Before I can call Kyungsoo out however, he turns around and walks back over to the table, but stopping just beside the asshole, still spouting off insults. He stops though when he notices Kyungsoo standing beside him and looks over with raised eyebrows.

"What do you want?" He rudely asks.

Kyungsoo takes in a deep breath "I'm going to have to ask you to stop talking about Jongin like that, or the outcome won't be pleasant for you"

The guy scoffs at Kyungsoo and turns to him "and who are you? The whores little pet?"

Kyungsoo sighs and lowers his head "I warned you"

Then before any of us knew what was happening, the small frying pan in Kyungsoo's hand is smashing into the side of the guys face, sending him to the floor, with a loud grunt.

The guy holds onto his cheek, moaning in pain, while Kyungsoo straightens himself and walks to the sink placing the pan in it. And all we can do is gape at the act in shock and a little bit of awe.

"Now I asked you politely, but clearly you just didn't understand anything other than belligerence, so maybe that will help clear up a little of your intoxicated pea sized brain" Kyungsoo says walking calmly back over to the man, now half sitting up "get out of my house, I don't have the patience for you anymore"

The man scrambles off the floor and nearly runs from the room, mumbling words like 'crazy' and 'demon' under his breath.

"Holy shit, Soo" Baekhyun is the first to speak after the guy disappears from sight "did you just bitch slap someone with a fucking frying pan?"

Kyungsoo blinks steady at him, his face not breaking with any sort of emotion "I gave him a warning"

"And probably a concussion" Yixing says with a frown, letting go of a wide eyed Sehun.

Kyungsoo shrugs and finally looks at me steadily "are you alright?"

My lips part impressed, a slight smirk tugging at my mouth. Signature Kai. I refuse to fade into the comfort of my subconscious. I won't let him touch Kyungsoo again. "its nothing I'm not used to. It's what happens to people like me"

Kyungsoo's face finally pulls into a look of disapproval "you know his opinion isn't valid right? That what he thinks doesn't matter?"

I shake my head, shrugging nonchalantly. Kai's protective barrier is wrapped around me, preventing me from feeling what that guy wanted me to. "of course it doesn't, but he's not wrong"

Kyungsoo walks closer to me, something I didn't think he'd be able to do after what happened. Kai's interest is immediately peeked, and I have to fight with every inch of me to keep him sated. I won't have him touching Kyungsoo ever again.

Kyungsoo reaches out and caresses my cheek, making me flinch slightly at the unexpected touch, even Kai is caught of guard. "Yes he is. Being sexually promiscuous is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as you are safe and smart about it, then there's nothing wrong with seeking pleasure" he furrow his brows and gives me a look that touches my soul "you're not a whore, you're Jongin. Anyone who doesn't see who you really are is unimportant and their opinion shouldn't matter. You're friends who were ready to risk everything for you, they matter. Don't listen to anyone else, and know that there are people who really love you for who you are, not what you do"

My heart trembles at his words and he drops his hand, much to my disappointment "I have to go wash my pan now. It's got stupid all over it"

He walks back into the kitchen and begins washing the pan, while everyone else rotates their shocked stares from him to me. I don't know what just happened, but I feel completely disarmed and shook. This has never happened before. Usually when Kai takes hold, he doesn't leave unless he wants to. But... Any trace of Kai is gone. Do Kyungsoo, just pulled me out of the fucking Titan.

>>>>

~Kyungsoo~

The door slams with a finality, that actually concerns me. Though, Baekhyun and I have never been that close, I do care for the idiot. He's been by Chanyeol's side for years, which means he's been indirectly by my own. Baekhyun and i have an awkward sort of friendship, but it's a friendship nonetheless. 

The difference between Chanyeol and i when it comes to how we treat Baekhyun, is that i know Baekhyun is strong enough to deal with more that Yeol thinks he can. I generally don't go rushing after Baekhyun or checking up on him when he's in a bad mood, because i know the little twat can handle a lot and needs to be alone to sort through things. Usually he's not even that upset about it, just needs a minute to compress and breath.

That look in his eyes though, it said so much more than his words ever could. I find myself exuberantly concerned for the man, and i cant shake the feeling that i need to go after him.

I move towards the door, but the unmistakable sound of a fist connecting with a face, stops me in my tracks. It all happens so fast, that i turn around only to find Jongin on the floor, groaning, while clutching his face. 

Without even thinking it, i race forwards, pushing past all of the gawking spectators, and dropping to my knees next to the injured kid. 

"Don't touch it." I say, taking a Jongin's hand from his face, and holding it in mine. I observe the damage and sigh. It's already bruising, and he has a small scuff on his upper cheek bone. Whoever hit him, didn't hold back. They wanted it to hurt. "it's going to need ice and some antibiotic ointment."

Jongin whines, while I help him lean up, and pillow his head in my lap.

"You slept with Baekhyun?" Kris asks Tao, sounding appalled that his boyfriend could even do such a thing. My eyes widen and i gawk up at the two idiots, clearly lost in their own world of drama, as usual. What the hell did i miss?

My heart tugs a but, when Tao looks away, seeming like he is fighting hard not to cry. I know he's upset that Tao didn't tell him, but honestly he has no place to judge, and that's exactly what i say with my eyes when he looks down at me. I tilt me head to the side, our eyes locked in a voiceless conversation, before Kris finally has the common sense to nod and hang his head. 

Nudging Jongin up, i stand and pull him gently onto his feet. I turn to the crowed left standing there, and shake my head in annoyance. "Everyone out. If you don't live here, get the fuck out of my house." I yell, making my voice as deep and threatening as possible."

There's a slight murmur that filters through the crowed, before "now." Is echoed behind me in a scarily demanding tone and for once I'm thankful for Chanyeol being here this evening.

The house is deserted in minutes, leaving the aftermath of destruction behind. Both in the house and inside each of us.

"Where's Sehun?" I ask, taking count of everyone.

"Luhan's got him." Yixing announces, looking just as tired as i feel.

I nod and pad towards the stairs, rolling my eyes at the two dumb asses who now won't even look at each other "talk it out." I bark, startling both of them. "I'm tired of this shit. Quit dancing around each other and talk through your problems. That's what adults do. When one problem comes up, you talk through it. Grow up and deal with your shit."

Tao blinks at me up in surprise and Kris just continues to hang his head, but reaches out, asking for Tao's hand, which he thankful takes. Kris leads him up the stairs, and i take Jongin's arm fixing to do the same.

"Do you think I'm acting like a child?" A sudden question pauses me.

I turn to find Chanyeol, looking absolutely miserable, standing at the foot of the stairs. I take a deep settling breath and nod "i do. You've loved Baekhyun for so long, Chanyeol. You've been by his side for years, and you know he loves you. Just fucking talk to him and quit running away."

Not waiting for Chanyeol's response, i head up the stairs to my room. I didn't even want to be at this damn party, and this is exactly why. Nothing good comes of college parties. Too much booze and drama. What ever happened to book-clubs? Or dinner parties? 

"Sit." I order, heading to my bathroom for the first-aid kit.

It's when I'm cleaning up Jongin's cheek and trying to decide how bad his eye is going to bruise that Jongin asks "are you going to yell at me too?"

A short blink, before I'm sighing and applying a bandaid to his cheek. "I've yelled at you enough, don't you think? I dealt with my problems. I told you where i stand and what i want. It's you who keeps running away."

Jongin bites at his lip and nods "i do, i guess."

I pause my hands and lock eyes with the other, a deep emotion passing between us. "What are you so afraid of, Jongin?"

"That you'll get hurt by him and you'll end up hating me. You've seen what i can do, Soo. You've seen the person first hand that I'm capable of being. I saw it in your eyes when you told me to get out today... you were scared." Jongin explains, his face pinched in regret and pain.

I wonder how many times Kai has pushed people out of Jongin's life. How many times Jongin's lost someone he's cared about because he can't control a part of him. It must have been so hard for him to watch person after person walk away from him because of that protective barrier.

Jongin's so strong and such a beautiful soul, but he has such a terrible view of himself because no ones ever been able to get past Kai. No ones ever tried to love every bit of him, including his dark alter ego. Kai is Jongin. Jongin is Kai. People tend to forget that. But I haven't.

"Jongin" i say, my voice in a soft tone, immediately grasping his attention.

"Yeah?"

My hands find his cheeks, my fingertips brushing his jawline tenderly. It's so sharp and striking. He's beautiful, and so delicate. Jongin could break to pieces in my hands. How could anyone think he's dangerous?

"I wasn't talking to you when i said get out. I wasn't scared of you, Jongin. I was scared..."

"Of Kai?"

I releases small disbelieving breath. How does he see himself so negatively? "Of going any further with you without a coherency of what was happening. I was scared of losing my own self control and making a huge mistake. I don't want to lose you, Jongin."

Jongin gives me a confused expression, like he doesn't quiet believe that i'm telling him. and how could he? You grow up being called a monster, and you eventually become one. "Jongin, listen, you are perfect. You are one of the kindest, sincerest, most talented people i have ever met. You are so beautiful and dazzling. I really don't understand how you have this view of yourself, baby." Jongin's breath shutters, and i take that as a sign that he approves of the endearment. "I have met Kai. I have seen what you are capable of becoming... but Jongin, you've yet to see what I'm capable of."

Jongin blinks at me steadily, taking my words in, but before he second guesses himself, i lean in and capture his lips with my own. The slight gasp the falls from his lips allowing me to deepen it a bit, waiting for Jongin to respond. It doesn't take long.

An appreciative hum comes from his throat, and he leans in to get more, but i don't let him have it. I pull away and Jongin follows needing, whining slightly when i stop him with a hand on his chest. 

"Stop running, Jongin. If you want me, take me." I say, my words a bit breathless.

Jongin whines again and bites at his lip. I've been waiting for Jongin to show signs that he wants this, that he wants me. But watching the man i love have a battle with his heart and his head isn't as satisfying as i thought it would be. 

"Kai, though..."

I lean in and let my forehead rest against his, breaths mingling together. Lips inches away from being reunited. Eyes locked in an intense, intimate moment.

"Take what you want, Jongin. For once allow yourself to have something. I'm not going anywhere. You take care of  your heart, and I'll take care of Kai."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chickens!! 
> 
> Here's the Kaisoo, finally. Sorry this took a while, but author-nim finds school more important. Please respect that.
> 
> So there's not much i want to talk about with this, other than i really don't want you guys to see Kai as the bad guy here. Kai isn't really another personality, he's just a side of Jongin that comes out when he needs him. Kai's existence came out of pain and fear, so he's the rougher, more damaged side of Jongin. So please don't hate Kai. He only does what he was made to do, which is protect Jongin.
> 
> I'll try to explain that better in future kaisoo chapters. Anyways, I'll see you guys later. SuLay is up next. Kisses. 


	28. Jealousy's a bitch and alcohol's a whore (Sulay) {party}

~Yixing~

It's Thursday. Our usual day and time. It damn near feels normal. I was thoroughly taken aback when Junmyeon called and asked for his second date. I had thought in light of last weekend, he'd forget all about that stupid agreement. And yet, here i am. Sitting at our normal table in the street stall, eating chicken and drinking beer.

"I'm not going to lie, i was a little surprised that you came." Junmyeon says, a glimmer of amusement playing dangerously in his eyes.

I was always curious as to why the flicker of challenge behind his gazes always captured me so fully; why there was always something so familiar in the way he held himself. He breaths dominance. Control. Junmyeon is a dominant through and through, and i have no idea how i didn't pick up on it.

"I decided to give you a chance to prove me wrong." I explain.

We both seem to be playing a game of chicken. Who's going to talk first. Does he think Kyungsoo told me? Does he think i know? I get the sense that he knows that i know something, but what is another matter. And what does he know about me? Did he see me at the expo, or is Kyungsoo right that my identity was concealed? Does he know the truth? Could he handle that truth?

"Have you talked to Kyungsoo recently?" Junmyeon asks, attempting nonchalance.

I shrug uncommitted and take a sip of my beer. "off and on. We do live in the same house. Why do you ask?"

His jaw seems to tense for a second, his composer breaking a little. Honestly it gives me a little satisfaction watching that tightly held control crack. "We ah, recently ran into each other at an event, and he just kind of caught my attention is all."

"I see. So you're planning on ditching me for him? So soon? I just started giving you a chance. Is that the type of guy you are, Junmyeon?"

Junmyeon looks taken aback for a moment, until he notices the teasing glint in my eyes. "Oh." he says, with a light chuckle, realizing i'm joking. "No, he's not exactly my type... i feel like we'd clash too much."

I nod and nibble on a piece of chicken "of course, you two are the dominant types. You'd probably end up fighting more than anything."

Watching Junmyeon choke on his drink was amusing enough, but then witnessing his expression as he seems to grasp at any sort of composure is just too satisfying for me. For months Junmyeon's had the upper hand. Always in control, using his power over me to get what he wants, but now i have a bit of my own leverage and it's so sweet.

"And you?" Junmyeon asks, his eyes flashing to mine quickly before falling back to his plate "would we...clash?"

The smirk that tugs at my lips can't be helped, a strange confidence filling me that i usually only achieve on stage "are you asking if i am a dominate or submissive, Junmyeon?"

When Junmyeon's eyes widen to the size of our plates, i know I've won a small battle. There's the man behind the carefully placed mask. I saw a glimpse of him at the expo. He was relaxed, free even. It seems like Junmyeon carries around way too much weight on his shoulder all the time. He feels that he always has to live up to something grander than anything he could possibly be, but in reality Junmyeon in just a lost kid, who's never been able to live his life honestly.

For some reason, Junmyeon doesn't make me as nervous as he used to. Maybe it's finding out the truth and i feel a bit more at ease that he's the same, or maybe it's that idea that Junmyeon isn't so unbelievably untouchable. Behind the name, behind the power and money, is just a person who wants an escape. We all want an escape, a safe place to let go of all the shit pushing us down. Junmyeon is more like me than i realized and that's oddly humbling.

Is it possible that the pedestal i had Junmyeon up on for so long, just got a bit smaller?

"N-No... That's just... i was just meaning that i tend to be a certain way. You've seen my affinity for... control, and i'm not sure if i can handle being with a hard headed person." Junmyeon explains.

I huff out a small breath and level Junmyeon with a stare "well then it's perfect that we are just friends then, we won't have to worry about clashing."

Junmyeon's eyebrows tug together, clearing showing his disapproval. He's just full of emotional vulnerability tonight. He's shown me more of himself within the past twenty minutes than he has since I've started actually talking to him. I wonder what's changed, it can't be about last weekend. Even if he thinks i know everything, he wouldn't just change because i got a glimpse into his dark side. So what can it be? Why is he acting so... passive?

At first it was amusing, and slightly gratifying, but now it's just odd. It's almost as if something has shifted, and Junmyeon looks as confused by the alteration as i am. It's like he's trying to relax, but there's still that dominant edge behind all of his actions, like his head is fighting his body.

"I've made it clear that i'd like to be more than friends." Junmyeon says, clearly trying his best to keep a superior tone out of his voice.

"I don't do fuck buddies. I'm not the type for casual sex." I wave him off, knowing it's not how he's meaning things, but i'm seriously tired of fighting about this. I'm almost at my breaking point of giving into the other, but i have to hold my ground. It's best for us... for him.

Junmyeon hums like he's doing everything to hold his tongue, then sighs "Neither do i, Yixing. I don't want something casu-"

"We don't fit into each other's world, Junmyeon. You're family would never accept me. You said it yourself... you're friends are even high maintenance. Do you really think i could hold my own in your life? Be honest." i say, picking up my beer, feeling i might need it.

The lack of an answer kind of puts a bit in perspective for me, and i just shake it off, offering Junmyeon a soft smile "it doesn't matter. We can be friends. This is fine, at least."

Junmyeon looks incredibly displeased with this, like he wants to disagree and fight me on it, but lowers his head and nods. I force my jaw to stay in place instead of dropping to the floor like it wants. Did Kim fucking Junmyeon just gave in? What the hell is going on? Usually Junmyeon would talk his ass off, asserting his lifelong habit of overconfidence and eventually end with a sarcastic remark as if he knows something i don't and i'd humor him out of frustration. I've never seen Junmyeon like this, even in my months of watching him, following his every movement, he never acted like this... he never acted so... submissive.

An idea pops into my head, and i bite at my lip, wondering how far i can push. How far he's willing to go with this little act. "My fraternity is having a party tomorrow. I want you to attend." I say, taking a small sip from my drink.

The other's eyes flash to mine quickly and he's quick to advert them. 'Come on, Junmyeon. Give up. I can clearly see how much acting like this is distressing you.' "i don't know, will it count as another date? I only get one more." He asks, a sliver of his sarcastic, smugness flashing out. it's gone just as fast as it had appeared, before he's back to tucking his head down in a terrible attempted display of submission.

I take a deep breath, confused as hell and feeling a small headache tugging behind my eyes. "Since i'm asking, i won't count it. You can even bring a friend. Come, Junmyeon."

Junmyeon's eyes flash at the command, and i can tell his dominant side wants to fight it tooth and nail, but i have to commend him for swallowing it down. He offers me a small, tense smile and nods "okay, i'll be there."

I decide to end a bit of his torment. Whatever this is he's trying to do, i can tell it's hard enough without me rubbing it in. Giving something up that you've cultivated for so long is almost like tearing yourself in half, i know this better than anyone. Trying to give up following Junmyeon around was one of the hardest things i ever did. It was like i was slowly ripping a piece of my body off. Junmyeon's routine had become so much of my own, that i didn't even know where the separation was anymore.

"Thank you, Mr. Kim." I say simply, before digging into a chicken leg.

I glance up briefly to watch a bit of light enter his eyes once more and he sits up a bit straighter, that all familiar confidence replacing the uncertainty and vulnerability.

It's refreshing to see Junmyeon take a stable breath for the first time since we sat down. Whatever he's trying to do, or prove is a nice sentiment, but it's just not right. I never asked Junmyeon to change himself, actually i think the fact that i followed him around for as long as i did, proves that i think he's perfect the way he is. Junmyeon was literally made to be a dominant, so why is he trying so hard to submit?

>>>>

The doorbell rings and i blink at the door in confusion. The party is in full swing and so far no one has bothered to ask for entry, let alone wait for a reply. I glance over at Baek and he just shrugs at me, while i saunter over to the door.

Junmyeon stands on the other side and i have to stop myself from laughing. He would be the type to ring the doorbell to an open door party.

The other smiles at me, his eyes crinkling in that adorable way that i fell for so many times while i followed him around. It almost take me back to when everything was so simple, when Junmyeon was on his side of the glass out of my reach, and i was on the other side thankful to have seen such a beautiful creature.

"Yixing, hello." Junmyeon greets, and his tone is so pleasant i almost miss the other person standing with him. Almost.

"Who's this?" i find myself asking rather rudely instead of greeting Junmyeon. After his display yesterday, the man is obviously trying to prove something, so i never expected him to dodge my request, but i also didn't expect this.

Junmyeon smiles politely and gestures to the man clinging to his arm "this is Wonho. You said i was allowed to bring a friend. This is okay, right?"

This Wonho guy's eyes widen and he looks up at Junmyeon like his date just grew a second head, but Jun's eyes never leave my own.

I force down the iciness in the back of my throat and nod my head, offering up my own fake politeness. "of course, welcome."

I nod to Junmyeon's 'friend' and he gives me a causal bow in return. Clearly neither of us is exactly fond of or interested in the other. Well at least that makes it easier to blatantly ignore him.

"Junmyeon?" Kris suddenly pops up beside me, "What are you doing here, man. I thought you weren't going to come."

I glance between my two friends in confusion "You two know each other?"

Kris chuckles and reaches out clasping hands with the man, while Kris wraps an arm around my waist. I don't miss the short flash of Junmyeon's eyes to the arm clasping my side, before tensely grinning at the too social giant. "yeah, we've had a few classes together and kind of accidentally became friends. So why are you here?"

Junmyeon joins Kris in a mirthy laugh and i find myself dazzled by the way the others eyes crinkle once more. He doesn't smile like that a lot. I wish i could see it more. "i kind of got an offer i couldn't refuse." Junmyeon says, his eyes finding mine and giving me a look as if sharing an inside joke with me.

"Well, come on. I'll get you guys a drink, who's this?" Kris asks, leading them towards the kitchen, getting an introduction to Junmyeon's friend.

"Uh oh, that face doesn't look good."

I snap out of my staring after the three and find Sehun giving me a worried, yet curious expression. "oh... i just..."

Sehun chuckles and grabs my hand, pulling me in the direction of the living room "come on, forget about it for a bit. Come hang out with Luhan and me."

I allow myself to be dragged away, resisting the urge to turn around, even when i can almost feel a hole being burned into back from a piercing stare that can only belong to one person.

>>>>

~Junmyeon~

I can understand why Kris and Yixing talk so fondly about this house. My hands run along the slightly worn wall, seeing dings and scuffs made my years of roughhousing and god knows what. It's very clearly a boys house, but it's also clearly loved. You can just feel a sense of this house the second you walk in the door. It's not just a house, it's a home. It's a place where a family lives.

Growing up, my family was always distant and so formal with one another. My mother and father talked more like business associates than lovers. Our walls were pristine and cold. It's almost impossible not to feel comfortable here. There's so much love ingrained in the very wood of every plank and beam.

I hear some yelling coming from further down the hall and for a second i think it might be Kris and his boyfriend, but i can't be sure. It's none of my business, so i keep moving.

Stumbling upon Yixing's room is completly coincidental, but amusing nonetheless. His door was cracked open, and i was drawn in by the twinkling fairy lights circling the ceiling, but i stayed when i realized who's room it is. I can instantly tell, by the pictures littering the surfaces of every inch. His desk, dresser, shelves. All packed with pictures of his friends and him. It's actually kind of sweet that he loves those boys this much. Movie, anime, and even a cute inspirational cat poster covers the walls. Yixing's bed is on the larger end, and is covered in pillows and stuffed animals, a majority of them being sheep for some reason. His bedspread is a beautiful dust plumb color which i wouldn't have guessed being his color of choice, but oddly i can't imagine them being anything else now. It just breathes Yixing and i have never felt so calm and at peace in my life. I feel like i'm trespassing into someone else's temple, but i can't bring myself to leave.

I don't really know what comes over me, but one drawer turns into two, and soon enough i'm blatantly going through Yixing's things. His surprisingly organized desk, his neatly folded cloths, and even his anally made bed. No surface is untouched and the more i find, the more i'm surprised. As much as i thought i knew about Yixing, there's a considerable amount more that i don't. Like i was not aware that Yixing was a pen hoarder, but looking at how he even has pens stuffed in his sock drawer, i'd say it's bordering on a problem.

I'm also fairly caught of guard by how his room looks as a whole. Yixing is kind of a forgetful, scattered person. I never expected it to be this neat and put together. I'm actually to some degree impressed by it. I even make the effort of putting everything back in it's place and neatly deleting any evidence of my intrusion.

The closet is the only place i haven't touched and right before i reach for the knob, i'm scared half to death by a deep, accusing voice over my shoulder.

"What are you doing?" The voice asks, forcing me to jump and spin around quickly.

I grasp at my chest and breathe out roughly "fuck, Kyungsoo. You scared the bajesus out of me."

Kyungsoo smirks a bit at that, clearly enjoying my pain. Seriously, with the right amount of training, this man could be a legend. "Junmyeon... what are you doing in Yixing's room?"

I swallow hard knowing I've been caught red handed and straighten up "i was just curious."

The small, indifferent looking man nods "okay."

He starts to leave and i blink in confusion "wait... that's it?"

Kyungsoo grins mischievously, turning back to face me fully. "well f you say you were just looking, then you feel that you're not doing anything wrong, but if you expect me to reprimand you then clearly you're not as innocent as you make yourself out to be."

I stare at the other for a second and shake my head "are you a law major, or something?"

He shakes his head before tilting it to the side "I didn't really see this being your scene. Why are you here?"

I take a deep breathe and let it out in a huff "Yixing commanded me to come."

"Commanded?" Kyungsoo asks, raising his eyebrows, a teasing tone to his question furthering to tell me how much of a sadist is hiding inside of him.

I release a disbelieving snort, knowing fully how pathetic it sounds. "I know. I'm not sure how i feel about it either. I tried the whole bending thing and it was awful. I was mentally fighting with myself the whole time, giving up power is one of the hardest things to do. I'm just not sure if i'm that kind of guy."

Kyungsoo shrugs "then you're not that type of guy. Let Yixing go and move on."

Words escape me for a second after his bluntness "but i don't want to."

The responding eye-roll nearly makes me want to throttle him "You can't have it both ways, Jun. Either you learn to accept bending, or you keep your power and lose Yixing. You're not Hannah Montana, you don't get the best of both worlds."

I blink at the man in front of me. He's an odd one. "But i'm not good at that... it's so damn hard to give up control like that..."

Kyungsoo looks thoughtful for a second, his gaze giving me a once over "not for the right person. Sometimes, all you need is a little push."

I narrow my eyes and cross my arms, oddly feeling a bit exposed "What does that mean?"

"You'll find out." The amused laugh he lets loose is almost charming, but also a bit chilling "Seriously, Jun. Get out before someone other than me catches you in here."

I nod, almost glad to dismiss our conversation and glance back at the closet, wondering what Kyungsoo would do if i just dashed over and yanked it open. "Don't even think about it. There's things you're probably better off not knowing."

My expression when i snap my head back to Kyungsoo is questioning and a bit alarmed. What the hell does Yixing hide in his closet? Kyungsoo just grins and chuckles lowly, motioning for me to leave. I make a mental note to never get on the other's bad side.

When i exit, Kyungsoo closes the door, and i have a feeling I've lost my chance of knowing a big secret of Yixing's. Kyungsoo escorts me down the hall, heading towards the party, seeming lost in his own head. I almost want to ask if anything is bothering him, but i doubt he'd inform me of his current issue, so instead i attempt casual conversation.

"So... Yixing's room is exceptionally clean. I don't mean to sound rude, but i don't exactly peg him as someone to keep his belongings that organized." i explain, hoping i don't offend.

Kyungsoo snorts "oh, he's not. Usually it looks like a disaster."

I pause at the top of the stairs and wait for Kyungsoo to head down, but he just shakes his head. Obviously i'm not the only person who doesn't care for the party scene. "So how is Yixing's room so clean then?"

Kyungsoo sighs deeply and shakes his head like this is one of his life's greatest annoyances. "Minseok"

I furrow my eyebrows, recognizing the name, but Kyungsoo walks back down the hall before i even have a chance to ask. He disappears into a room oddly close to the door, i heard the shouts coming from earlier, but now a different kind of noise is emanating from. I hope Kyungsoo has good headphones.

Finding Wonho is easy enough. He always has a habit of gravitating to the area with the most people correlating in it. I'm not surprised to find him leaning against the wall, he has a bad habit of being a people watcher, but i am surprised by the scene i find in the middle of the room.

Surrounded by a startlingly large crowed, is Sehun, who is currently tying up a small, blond boy in what appears to be a Karada. It's a common body harness, but the technique strikes a familiar cord within me and i cant seem to stop the echo.

"It's The Masters." Wonho says answering my silent confusion.

It's hits me then. I've seen that finger work and knotting style a hundred times. The Master barely posts on YouTube, but this is one of the technique videos that got thousands of views. The execution is a bit sloppy, not as precise as The Master's, but good gods, it's his.

This fraternity only intrigues me more and more the longer i spend here. Everyone seems to have at least a foot dived into my world, and it's startling.

My eyes move from the boys and their demonstration, to Yixing. He's watching them like a hawk, like a dungeon master would during a scene. Then, Sehun's quietly asking Yixing a question, and Yixing moves forward, assessing the rope and the look in his eyes as he's taking in the work in front of him, like an art teacher reviewing a sculpture, is almost too much to handle. He says something too low for me to catch, but the mischievous smirk that touches his lips, has my pants tightening on instinct.

Why is this so hot? Watching Yixing being in control like this? Usually all of my attention would be fixated on the reactive sub, but i can't seem to pry my eyes off of Yixing. I'm not sure how to move let alone think. The possibilities of what this could mean, nearly short circuits my brain.

Yixing is comfortable with this lifestyle, and dare i say knowledgeable. If Sehun is looking to him for instruction, then Yixing must carry a certain level of expertise in rope bondage. My stomach flutters in a startling sort of way.

"He's good." Wonho points out, his eyes clearly trained on Yixing personal Koala known as Sehun.

I roll my eyes and watch the way Sehun attends to the blond boy, who, might i be bold enough to say, looks stunning in that harness. I'm not a particularly huge fan of rope bondage, but i can appreciate the art.

Sehun stands to move around behind the tied up boy and i notice the bunny come out of his headspace a bit. He seems to be a bit embarrassed and aware of the crowed, but also a tad enthrall by it. That's interesting. He'd do well in a public scene.

Maybe a bit too late i discover the boys gaze to be locked with Wonho's. His challenge is loud and clear, even though Wonho wouldn't dream of actually pursuing his interest. That's one of the issues we tried to work through back when he was my sub. Wonho has an issue with innocent flirting and i have an issue with possession. It's one of the main reasons we didn't work. Wonho just sees it as harmless, i see it as disrespect.

Eyeing the drink resting in Wonho's hand i realize that it might be a good idea to get him home soon. Wonho has a tendency to get a bit... brave when he gets some alcohol running through his veins.

"Behave." I warn lowly, and watch Wonho's lips tick into a smirk, and i have to resist the urge to force the boy to his knees and make him beg for forgiveness.

Sehun moves, clearly pulling the smaller's arms into a cuff, and when he sinches the ropes tight, i watch in fascination as the blond boys head tips back and his eyes roll upwards. Pure bliss can only be used to describe that look. I've seen it many times. It's beautiful.

It's a shame that such a beautiful scene, with such a responsive rope bunny, is waisted on this ignorant crowed of drunk college kids. But i guess if art was only done in places where art is appreciated, it would never make the statement it aims for.

"I'd like to go to the dungeon meet up this weekend." Wonho says offhandedly.

I lift an eyebrow, continuing to observe the way the blond boy and Sehun speak slowly and sensually to one another. That's the type of connection most Doms and Subs look for.

"With me? Why is that?" I ask, glancing up and catching a certain someone's eyes, forcing my breath to catch.

He stares at me with dark, unwavering eyes. It's almost as if he's trying to demand my attention, like he's wanting me to see something clearly. I'm starting to get a sense of what it is. I see you, Yixing. I finally see.

"Just a curiosity of mine. Don't worry, I'm still loyal to Changkyun." Wonho says, smiling almost fondly at the two in the middle of the room, still lost in their own word.

"Fair enough. We'll go. Are you ready? I think i've had enough of the college experience for a lifetime." I explain, still locked eyes with Yixing.

Yixing's lips tick at the corners and he tips his head forward in a discreet nod. I do the same, and Wonho clasps onto my arm, as I finally break gaze.

Leading us out of the frat house i gained a slight affection for, i feel eyes on my back. I know it's Yixing. I remember how it feels to have those eyes watching my every movement.

I miss those days, actually. It was so simple back then; organized even. It would always be the same. I knew where he'd be, when he'd pay the most attention, and how long I'd have him for. Back then, Yixing was in a way, holistically mine. His main focus was me and he'd never run or push me away.

In a way, our relationship was perfect because it was already built at a distance. It was created in the shadows, hidden away from a deeper meaning. It's real now. This attraction we feel for one another; this draw we can't help but give in to. It's easy to keep your distance when you know you have to, but once that need is eliminated, it's hard to stop fighting.

Yixing will keep trying to keep me at arms distance because he still sees our relationship like he did back when he was following me around. He felt that i had the power to crush him if i ever found out what he was doing. He knew that if it came to it, i could ruin his life. There was a thrill in that notion, but there was also that constant danger.

For our relationship to change, Yixing has to have the power. He needs to feel like i wont be able to hurt him. He needs to feel like he has control. This is what Kyungsoo was trying to say to me. I understand that now. I was a fool to believe that i could come in and possess such a person's heart so easily. Yixing is a beautiful, free spirit. His soul is so pure, and compassionate. Yixing will never stop seeing himself as the bad guy, because he still to a certain extent sees himself as my stalker.

I should have made my knowledge of his presence known sooner. I should have causally invited him over and gave him an opening to get to know me. I could have slowly built his confidence and gradually made a bridge into something more. My desire to possess and control got the best of me, just as it always does. My eyes drift to Wonho happily clinging to my arm, and i realize that It's ended more good in my life, than it's brought me.

Watching Yixing having control just now. Watching him being in his true element. It was beautiful, and i finally got it. Yixing needs our relationship to change in order to accept me, because he still feels that guilt, still feels that vulnerability in my presence. Our date yesterday was a half-assed attempt at giving Yixing the control. He deserves better and i will give him better. The next time Yixing and i come face to face, i won't just bend, i'll kneel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chickens!!
> 
> Here's the SuLay!!
> 
> In the thick of finals week, even. I won't apologize for the late update on this one, actually. Things have been crazy, and honestly i'm surprised i got anything out before June.
> 
> I hope this chapter sufficed you guys well enough. SuLay's one of my favorites to write, and through it took me a bit to get back in the feel of things, i'd say it came out pretty good. I know i didn't go into a great deal of detail with the HunHan rope tying scene, but i was saving most of that for HunHan's chapter.
> 
> Speaking of which, HunHan is up next. I hope i won't make you guys wait too long, but i also hope you guys can be understanding. I'll see you next chapter.
> 
> Kisses!
> 
> 사랑해 


	29. Staking claim (HunHan) {party}

~Sehun~

Inhale. Exhale. Smile. Relax.

I take a deep, liberated breath. It almost feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders that's been pushing me down for a long time now. It feels like progress and a step towards something I've always wanted. I never allowed myself to dream of possibilities and to dream what i wanted, but now i'm realizing that it's my life. My happiness. My dreams. I should have taken control of it a long time ago, but i just couldn't. I can now. I can stand on my own, and i feel like i have a lot of people to thank for that, but one person in particular, i owe my sudden confidence to.

Chanyeol and Kyungsoo's light bickering has me picking my head up, smiling at the scene. It's pleasant, comforting even. To everyone else it might sound annoying, or even amusing, but to me it sounds like home. 

Chanyeol pulls away from a criticizing Kyungsoo and comes over to my table, setting a large coffee cup in front of me, the swirling galaxy of milk and espresso intertwining, making my stomach grumble in anticipation. The familiar sent of coffee fills my senses; the heavy, earthy smell centers me and relaxes my tired bones. I give Yeol a soft grin, which he returns, before ruffling my hair in a caring gesture, then goes back to quarreling with Kyungsoo at the front counter.

It's Friday and my morning class just ended. I should go home and help Kris, but I'm getting increasingly annoyed over Kris and Tao's shit right now. I love them, i really do, but there's only so much fighting i can take. I hate feeling like i'm in the middle. My parents had a habit of using me as a pawn to get back at each other in their fights. I know Tao and Kris would never do that, but this fight still hits way too close to home.

Growing up, my parents never really had a kind word to say to one another. They were always mad at each other for something. My parents are clearly unhappy in their marriage, have been for a long time, and instead of finding their own happiness apart, they just live through their misery because of moral and religious reasons. 

Dealing with the fact that your parents can't even stand each other long enough to be in the same room for more than an hour without fighting; on top of the whole teenager thing, was just a bucket and a half of fun. I think it's why Kris and Tao have been hiding a lot of what they've been going through for my sake, but it's just making their situation worse. I'm pretty much always with one of them. If they're hiding things because of me, then it means they're not talking. I sigh and fix my eyes back on what my hand has been absentmindedly occupied with.

My pencil makes a pleasant scratching sound across my sketch pad, backed momentarily by the high pitched sound of the cappuccino maker. I smirk and pick up my cup with my left hand, my right not pausing in it's motions on the pad once. I have to give it to Chanyeol. He's running this cafe exceptionally well by himself, even if it's just for this morning. It'll close this afternoon and won't open again till Monday when Minseok and Chen comes back.

Minseok's cafe has become somewhat of a second home since i started university. It's comforting, and a great place to let my head clear. Plus, i tend to find sparks of inspiration in this type of atmosphere and after this week, i definitely need a good decompressing session. Letting my mind wander, as my hand does the same is the perfect way to do that.

I find myself releasing a disbelieving laugh at how fitting this is. Once Tao met my parents and was exposed to their distaste of one another he asked me how i wasn't more fucked up than i was. Art was my answer.  Whenever my parents started fighting, i threw on my headphones full blast and threw myself  into my canvases or sketch pads. There was always something so lethargic about letting your emotions and words settle themselves out among a white blank surface.

So, here i am. My parents are fighting, and i steal away to my safe place, headphones in and sketch pad in front of me. I guess i didn't realize how bad it is until just now.

A tap at my shoulder brings me out of my ravine and i glance up, finding my heart skipping a beat. Luhan stares down at me, giving me an odd expression. 

I take my headphones out and his eyes slide from mine to the pad in front of me, furrowing his eyebrows a bit.

"What is that?" Luhan asks, leaning down closer and squinting his eyes at the sketch.

It takes me a second to realize what i had been drawling myself, and when i do, i snatch my pad off the table so fast, i almost hit Luhan in the face. He steps back, with his eyebrows lifted and a surprised look on his face. It would almost be creepy if it wasn't so cute. 

"N-Nothing... just absentmindedly drawling out a design for something." I say, stuffing my sketchbook into my bag.

Luhan nods like he isn't convinced, but thankfully lets it go and slides into the chair across from mine. "So, what did you want to see me about?" He asks, changing the subject.

I take a deep breath for the immediate relief that Luhan is such an agreeable person. If that would have been Baekhyun, he wouldn't have stopped until i explained every inch of the design in full detail to him.

"Oh, i wanted to tell you something... and also i wanted to thank you." I explain, lifting my cup and taking a long draw.

Luhan cocks his head and appraises me silently "Okay?"

I smile and sit up straighter, not that i can get my posture even more perfect than it already is. Another habit drilled in me by my parents. "Um... i finally declared a major today."

The grin that takes over Luhan's lips is the most satisfying reaction i could have gotten. "Really? what is it?"

I take the paper with my official major out of my bag and slide it over to him. "Creative design with a business minor."

Luhan's eyes crinkle and he picks up the paper, almost in disbelief "Sehun, that's amazing."

My heart skips a beat at hearing my name on his lips. I don't think i'll ever get tired of that. "Thank you... not just for this, but for a lot more"

"What do you mean?" Luhan asks, blinking at me innocently.

"I mean... if it wasn't for you encouraging me with my art and standing up to my parents the other day, i wouldn't have gained the courage to finally do this. I wanted this for a long time, and i finally did it... because of you." I explain, feeling my cheeks burn by the time i finish.

Luhan breaths out a short surprised laugh and shakes his head slowly. "Sehun, that wasn't me. That was you, kid. You did this. You pulled yourself up and declared more than just a major, you declared that this is your life. You did that on your own, i just kicked you in the ass a little to make you see how amazing you are and how much you were wasting living the way you were."

My cheeks feel as if they are on fire, and i reach up to pat them, much to Luhan's amusement. "Still, thank you for the kick in the ass... i really needed it."

The answering laugh i get in response makes my heart sore, and the wink that follows makes it skip a beat. "Anytime, Sehunnie."

A pleasant silence overtakes us, and soon Chanyeol comes over, setting a smaller cup in front of Luhan. The other looks surprised as he looks up at the tall giant, but one puppiesh smile from Chanyeol and Luhan relaxes, nodding his head at the barista before he leaves to resume his now quieter fight with Kyungsoo.

"Your Hyungs just like taking care of people, don't they?" Luhan says, sipping at his cup, and humming in slight awe. Chanyeol's a mess of a human, but he makes a mean cup of coffee.

I chuckle and smirk into my own dark liquid "No, we like taking care of each other." Luhan's eyes meet mine in confusion when i glance towards him, before nostalgically smiling out the window. "We take care of our own, Han." 

Luhan sits back and his eyes seem to run through a range of emotions. I get it. I felt like that too when i was first accepted by my family. These guys just love one another like we're held together by a larger force than ourselves. Like we were always fated to be friends. When you get accepted into our circle, it almost overwhelms you. The feeling that you have a home, that you have a family no matter what and anything you ever need will be take care of. We take care of our own and no one ever feels left out or alone. We go through the shit together and we come out on the other side better than ever. We're there through the immense good, and make it twenty times better. It's what brothers do. We love and we stay as one, no matter what.

I chuckle and let my hands rest in my pockets. I definitely have a lot of people to attribute to where i am today, and i can't even begin to think about how i'm going to pay them back.

"Luhan." I'm pulled out of my pleasant space by a voice i really never wanted to hear again.

"Oh, Yejin...hey." Luhan says, a wince heavy in his voice.

The girl now standing by our table, pouts and slaps Luhan on the arm. I resist the urge to push the girl away from him. "I told you to call me Ailee."

Luhan rolls his eyes and meets mine "Sehun, you remember Ai-"

"Yup," i say, cutting him off causing his face to pinch slightly "how could i forget."

Ailee smiles clearly unaware of the situation and pulls up a chair to our table which really is only made for two. "it's good to see you again, Sehun. Luhan talks about you all the time."

Luhan scoffs at that, and i have to admit it's kind of amusing. "I do not."

"You do too. Even your mom told me yesterday that all you do is talk about Sehun every time she calls you." Ailee giggles, reaching forward and taking a drink out of luhan's cup, which forces a momentary sneer to his lips.

I silently snort at the scene, before catching onto some heart clenching words. "You speak to his mom?"

Ailee pauses and blinks ahead as if she realized she made a mistake. "Oh... um, yeah. Our families are close so Luhan and i kind of grew up together."

My throat constricts a bit. "You two must be very close then."

The similar wince that plays out on their faces only confirms this. "Yeah, we are." Ailee says, and Luhan shoots her an odd look.

I clear my throat and nod to myself, some uncomfortable emotions playing around in my chest. I knew that Luhan's girlfriend didn't magically go away, but i thought that maybe something was developing between Luhan and me. Was that all in my head? Did the kiss mean something different to him than it did to me?

I stand up slightly, opening my mouth to make an excuse for leaving, but Luhan cuts me off before i get a chance.

"She's my cousin." Is suddenly blurted out in the silence, and both Ailee and i stare at Luhan in shock, registering what he just said.

My hands clench and un-clench, a nervous habit I've always had "What?"

Luhan takes a deep breath and motions to the blonde at our table. "Ailee is my cousin. She agreed to pretend to be my girlfriend to help me out when i came to school here. I got teased really bad back in China for looking so feminine, so i wanted to safeguard myself being in a new place. She's not my girlfriend, Sehun. I promise there's nothing going on between me and anyone else. I like y-"

Ailee leans forward, a smirk on her lips and grasps Luhan on the arm "finish it."

Luhan, who was previously staring holes into the table, looks up at me, locking gazes "i guess it's my turn to be brave. You were strong enough to take control of your life, so I can do the same. Sehun... I like you."

I drop down into my chair, and blink my wide eyes at the man in front of me, before sliding a hand through my hair "fuck."

Ailee leans back in her chair victoriously and crosses her arms satisfied. "See, don't you both feel better?"

Luhan's face twists into an expression promising murder and i can't even find it in myself to find something cute in it, it's just terrifying. "get lost, Yejin."

Ailee pouts again, but seems to understand the situation a little better now, and stands, sending a small wink towards me, before leaving us alone in an awkward silence.

There's so much to process. Luhan's single and not attached to a girl, being the main things my brain seems to want to focus on. He said he likes me, but does he really? Am i just his college experiment? I don't want to be another persons phase.

"Please says something." Luhan pleads, his voice choked, and i realize that while I've been sitting here going through the ifs and what's, he's been holding his breath.

"I'm just... processing." I say, my tone heavy.

Luhan nods slowly and looks down at his lap, his arms twitching like he's fiddling with his fingers. A nervous habit of his own.

"Listen, i like you too. I've made that exceptionally clear since the beginning. Please don't think that's what i'm stuck on right now." I explain, reaching forward on the table. 

Luhan's shoulders slump in what i imagine is relief and meets me half way. Luhan's fingers slowly slide across my own and eventually meet my palm, resting there. A shiver travels up my spine and a soft smile touches my lips, which he returns.

"What are you stuck on?" He asks, his middle finger trailing softly down the length of my hand, before sliding back up.

I tug my lip between my teeth and shake my head decidedly "Nothing i can't work out eventually."

He cocks his head slightly, but doesn't push me to further explain, and i think i fall a little bit more for it. Luhan knows when i need a swift kick in the ass, and when i just need to work it out in my head. Since day one Luhan's understood me better than anyone else, and i think because of that i learned how to understand myself too.

"So... where does this leave us?" Luhan asks, a shy flirty smile taking over his perfectly kissable lips.

I lean forward and daringly reach out, cupping his jaw, and sliding my thumb over his cheek. "Come to the party tomorrow."

Luhan's expression changes quickly from flirty into confused. "o-okay?"

I chuckle at his cuteness and tilt my head, really wanting to kiss him, but not wanting to push things too fast "It can sort of be our first date, if you want. I mean, unless you want a fancy restaurant thing, or something like that."

Luhan's already shaking his head in disagreement before i can finish, his face pulling back up into a pleased grin. "No, Sehun. It's perfect. I'll be there."

>>>>

~Luhan~

I honestly have no idea what i was so worried about earlier. While i was getting dressed, i was so stressed out about how everything was going to go. What if Sehun's other friends don't like me? What if i say the wrong thing and they hate me? What if they decide i'm not good enough for their precious Sehun. 

I just decided that i wanted to consider Sehun. That i wanted to see where this goes. I can't fuck things up now.

And yet, here we are, sitting around in a circle talking about ex's, and sharing high school hell stories. Something I've always wanted to do with guy friends, but my school mates back in china made that impossible. This... I've always wanted this. I know Sehun said they all really like me and trust me now, but i'm still worried i can lose it with one wrong move.

"Okay, okay. My turn." Baekhyun announces. "let's see, weirdest ex...hmm"

"What about that guy who was into midget porn?" Yixing suggests from my left. 

"Oh my god, i forgot about him... I think i blocked that out." Baekhyun exclaims, much to the amusement of everyone else involved, who are currently laughing their asses off. "Seriously, it's not funny. I had a short complex for a couple months after we broke up."

I snort and cough, prompting Sehun, who's sitting to my right to pat my back.

"See, that's just weird." Jongin says, cringing.

"Hey, no kink shaming." Yixing admonishes.

Tao rolls his eyes with his own laugh "says the kickiest person in this house."

"Bullshit, we all know that's Kyungsoo." Sehun says, and i notice Jongin tense out of the corner of my eye, sending an odd look to his best friend.

"What about you, Luhan? Had any weird kinky ex's?" Baekhyun asks me.

My eye widen and i open my mouth, then close it. "you don't have to answer if you don't want to." Yixing assures me, calmly. 

I shake my head and scratch at the back of my neck "i'm just trying to figure out how to explain."

"Don't worry. This is a safe space." Tao says in mandrine.

Yixing agrees with a hum. "No kink shaming allowed."

I chuckle and take a deep breath. Well, i guess out with it. "I've only ever dated girls, and they were all mainly vanilla. I guess i was more of the kinky one, but i never brought any of my kinks up to them."

"Seriously? Why not?" Baekhyun looks confused.

I shrug and bite at my lips "I've just had certain fantasies that i'm not sure a woman could handle, let alone fulfill."

Yixing looks a bit more interested and leans forward, "what kind of fantasies?"

I feel my cheeks blaze and i realize that i'm probably just digging myself a deeper hole. "um... I've always kind of wanted to be tied up."

I feel Sehun twitch beside me and my head snaps to him. He's staring ahead, his eyes dazed "Sehun?"

"Don't worry about him, he's just trying to will away his boner." Baekhyun says with a wave of his hand.

I blink at the other and turn to Sehun slowly, lifting an eyebrow, wondering what his friend means by that.

"Our Sehun is quiet the little rope enthusiast. I'm sure you just supplied him with wet dreams for a whole year." Jongin explains, laughing at his best friends expense.

I take in that new information and reach out, placing my hand on Sehun's arm "you like Shibari?"

Sehun's face crunches into an expression of pain "fuck, you know what it's called?"

I nod, and bite at my lip "I've done a little research."

Sehun dramatically throws his head into his hands and makes a pathetic sobbing noise. I wince and pat his back gently. Poor kid.

"I say, prove it. It's not real unless you commit." Baekhyun announces. My eyes snap to the others and i give him an expression of disbelief. "What? it's not like Sehun doesn't have a shit tone of rope in his room."

Yixing sighs over my shoulder and leans forward popping baekhyun on the head "shut up, you're not making this any better."

"What? i'd love to watch Sehun tie Luhan up. It'd be hot."

Sehun groans "Baek, shut u-"

"Me too." i find myself saying before i can think about what's coming out of my mouth.

All eyes snap to me instantly and i kind of regret saying it, but i also kind of don't. This has been an interest of mine for a really long time, and the idea of Sehun being the master behind the ropes, is incredibly hot.

"What?" Sehun's thick, raspy voice questions me.

I nibble at my lip and find myself nodding "yeah, i mean, yeah. If you're down. I'm down."

"You're serious?" Sehun asks, staring at me in disbelief.

A sigh falls from my lips and i scoot closer to the younger "Sehun, please tie me up."

"Fuck" Sehun whispers, and wipes his hands down his pants in a nervous gesture. "Okay"

"Really?" i ask, grinning and bouncing slightly, and stand up facing him, holding his hands between mine.

"Well, okay, yeah... fuck. Let's do this." Sehun says, slowly standing up and giving me an almost questioning expression.

I smile at him and start shedding off my hoodie, noting the small hitch in the younger's breath. I decided to wear a loose tank top that i know shows off my arms and a bit of my ribcage. 

"I'm, uh going to need some rope." Sehun says, looking to Yixing.

"Color preference?" Yixing asks, standing from the couch.

Sehun looks at my arms, brushing the back of his fingers over my exposed skin. I forget how to function for a second, before his voice snaps me out of my daze. "Wine red. His skin tone is perfect for a dark color."

Yixing nods, taking on a serious, confident aura I've never seen before. It's honestly startling to see someone who's always a bit in his head and spacey, so focused. "Hemp or Jute?"

"Jute. I don't want to scratch him." Sehun explains, taking off his own jacket, leaving him in a tight black henley and i pray to the gods to give me strength.

"Why not cotton, then?" Yixing suggest.

Sehun smirks at me and i swear i'm not going to make it through this "i don't want to make it completly painless."

My breath stutters and i watch Yixing smile devilishly before exiting the room. I watch him go with a little nervous tingle running under my skin. I've never done anything like this and i'm a bit nervous. I mean, who the fuck volunteers to get tied up at at damn frat party?

Sehun claps my chin between his fingers and forces my eyes to his own, his flickering as if searching for something. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to, Han."

I take in the nickname and feel myself relax. I trust Sehun. I know he would never hurt me or put me in a position i feel uncomfortable with. "No, i trust you. I want this."

The smile that tugs at his lips completly takes me off guard, but it is worth anything that's about to happen.

Yixing comes back, and hands Sehun the bundle of rope, and a pair of scissors which Sehun puts in his back pocket. I tilt my head, about to ask what those are for, but Sehun starts to unravel the rope, his hands manipulating the strands like it's his damn religion and all words catch in my throat.

"Okay, I'm just going to do a simple body harness, nothing too fancy for your first time." Sehun explains. I nod and wait for further instruction. "Okay, can you give me your verbal consent that you're okay with this."

That surprises me a little and i blink for a second before registering his words, "oh. Yes, i consent to being tied up."

Sehun's lips turn into a nearly sinister looking smirk and i have to lock my knees to keep them from trembling. "perfect. Now, stand up straight with your arms out at your side."

I lift my arms as told and fix my posture. Sehun licks his lips in a moment of concentration, before he moves forward and slides the rope around my neck. He pulls the looped end down to the middle of my upped back and lets it slack, pulling back to tie a knot over my sternum. Sehun's careful pulling the loose end through, so they don't snap up and hit me in the face. It's almost sweet how attentive he's being.

He makes another knot at the bottom of my Xiphoid process, leaving the knots kind of loose, and i'm confused as to why, aren't rope harnesses supposed to be tight?

"Why aren't you making it tighter. It's okay to be a little rough." I realize i asked out loud before i can filter.

Sehun smiles as if he's enjoying a private joke, and continues to tie a knot at my belly button, causing my breathing to feel a bit shallow. "Don't worry. It'll get tighter."

I'm about to ask what he means my that, but then he moves lower, and all brain function immediately goes into shut down mode. 

"Is it okay if i touch you here?" Sehun asks, his hands hovering over my crotch, as he sinks to his knees in front of me.

I swallow down the lump in my throat and nod, biting at my lip to keep the eternal screaming in check. Staring down at the man kneeling at my feet shouldn't be this damn hot.

"Verbal, Luhan." Yixing says, and snaps my attention away from Sehun, realizing that it isn't just Sehun and me in the room. Actually we've gained a bit of an audience, watching in curiosity and amusement. 

I feel my cheeks flush and i drop my eyes away from them, instantly finding Sehun's. He stares at me with all of the love and attention of someone who would drop everything in the blink of an eye if i told him to, and i can't find it in me to be embarrassed anymore.

"Yes, you can touch me anywhere you want to, Sehun." I say, giving him all of my trust.

Sehun smiles brightly and i swear my heart stops for a full second. "Spread your legs." he orders, and my heart restarts.

I hear snickers and mumbles around me, but push it out in favor of watching Sehun. He separates the ropes and places it on either side of my crotch. I will the gods to grace me with incontinence for just this night. I feel his hands slide between my legs, his fingers running along my taint, before tracing the outline of my ass crack. No one can blame me if i get hard right now.

He brings the rope back out and ties a small knot. I furrow my eyebrows, "what's that for?" I ask a bit huskily.

Sehun smirks, not bothering to meet my eyes and mumbles a "you'll see."

The rope goes back between my legs and Sehun stands, moving behind me, and pulling the rope up, hooking it through the slacked loop he made earlier and pulling it through. The second the rope is tightened, i nearly drop to my knees. That knot slots right in between my ass cheeks and pushes right up against my rim, indirectly pressing into my prostate. I have never clamped down a moan faster in my fucking life.

"You okay?" Sehun asks deeply in my ear, teasing me and i feel so damn frustrated.

"Y-yeah. Just took me by surprise." I explain, remembering to utilize my lungs.

Sehun chuckles and spreads the rope ends, coming to stand back in front of me, as he threads each end through the space in between the first and second knot. He crosses the ends over and back around to my back, creating a diamond shape.

I hum slightly feeling the rope vibrate with every jerk and slide of the ropes across one another. I can feel every movement through the rest of the rope and gods damn it, it feels fucking amazing.

"Luhan, baby." Sehun coos, and i open my eyes, lifting my head.

My cheeks heat at the pet name, and i tug my lip into my mouth  "S-sorry. The rope's vibrating."

Sehun leans in and lowly whispers only for me to hear "feels good, doesn't it?"

I gasp out a breathy, "yes" and in no way feel ashamed for how turned on i feel.

Sehun smirks again and smooths his hand over my chest, and pulls at one of the strands, only doing what i can assume to be is testing the tightness. He goes back to work, creating a diamond pattern all the way down my body, until he reaches my crotch and once again here we are.

He doesn't ask for permission this time, but he does make his movements achingly slow as he threads the rope on either side and pulling it through, as if deliberately touching me in way that's driving me crazy. At this point there's no denying how hard i am, it's obvious.

"You holding in there?" Sehun asks, sliding his thumb up the double strand of rope that's sitting right on top of my erection, and i nearly draw blood from how hard i bite my lip.

"Y-yeah." I say, but it comes out more like a whine.

Sehun's eyes flutter for a second, as if relishing in the sound and grabs tightly as the two loose ends of rope, wrapping them around his hand. "How about... now?" he asks, at the same time he yanks the ropes forming the diamond right over my crotch. A moan is ripped from my lips, as pleasure pulses all through my upper body. Wherever the rope touches feels like its's scorching my skin in the most sinful of ways.

I nearly fall, but i catch myself on Sehun's shoulders, holding myself up as he basically hugs my hips to bring the rope around and tying it in the back. I tremble, and Sehun tenses his arms to give me a more solid foundation.

Sehun finishes his knot and pulls back, but makes sure to keep a hold of my hips, keeping me grounded. His eyes shine when he looks up into my eyes. They're so bright and shiny, that i get lost in them for a second. In that moment, i know i'm gone. I'm a complete goner and i don't even care. I want Oh Sehun in every fucking way possible, and i want him bad.

"Yixing, i have a lot of slack, can i do an arm binder?" Sehun asks, but his eyes never leave mine.

I feel Yixing come up behind me and tug at the loose ropes, "No, you won't have enough for that, and honestly, seeing the way he reacts to a simple harness, he's not ready for that."

Sehun chuckles and nods, before standing slowly, allowing me to regain my own footing so i can stand on my own, and moving behind me. I hear Sehun and Yixing behind me, talking lowly about the best way to tie the rest of the rope.

Because, apparently i'm a masochist, i risk looking up and find a lot more people than were there earlier. I swallow hard at so many eyes on me, in such a state i am. It's embarrassing, but slightly exhilarating. A few of them look weirded out, many of them look amused, and a select couple look impressed, if not aroused. There one in particular that catches my eye in the back, who is paying no attention to me, but to staring holes behind me. 

Sehun moves to my side, grabs my arm pulling it behind my back, and the other guy's eyes follow every movement. I realize exactly what he's staring at and what's on his mind. My blood pulses.

My other arm goes behind my back, and Sehun once again stands behind me. I may not be tall enough to completly conceal him, but i do a well enough job, when the guys eyes have no choice but to leave Sehun and pass over me.

Our gazes lock and i narrow my eyes, challenging the stranger. This boy is mine, ya bitch.

The man almost looks amused, tilting his head and lifting an eyebrow. Is he taking my claim as a joke? Cause i'll cut a bitch.

My attention is instantly snapped away from the hoe across the room when I feel the rope tighten around my wrists and pull my arms in closer together. I have no idea what they're doing, but gods that... that's good.

"Is this okay?" Sehun asks in my ear, and i shutter.

"Y-yes. Feels good." I hum and lean back against him.

It's his turn to suck in a sharp breath, his hands holding me up as the rope shifts and stimulates my body in a way that's almost maddening.

I open my eyes, wondering when i had closed then, and find the stranger again. He nods at me and does a small bow, before turning around and linking arms with another man, and following them out of the room.

Triumphant in my victory to keep a hold of my claim, i snort and go to pump my arm, but find that i can't exactly move... oh.... oh, that's kind of hot.

Sehun pushes me up into a standing position and moves around to my front, hooking a hand around one of the knots to keep me grounded. A small, shy smile pulls at my lips and i find myself submitting to the man in front of me.

The other just grins at me, and brushes some strands of hair off of my face, his eyes crinkling into a look of fondness I've never seen directed at me before. My heart trembles and i have to blink away the fogginess suddenly clouding my head. Yup... definitely a goner.

....

"Are you sure you're okay?" Sehun asks, my hand still in his as he runs his thumb over the mark left behind from the rope. He looks more pleased than worried about it, though.

I smile and relish in the slight pressure he puts on the reddened indention's "Yes, i told you... i wanted it. I enjoyed it."

Sehun licks his lips unconsciously and lets his eyes slide down to the still lingering problem in my pants. "do...do you need help?"

I suck in a short breath and try my best not to look too affected or interested in that offer. We're just too fresh into whatever this is... i don't want to ruin it. 

"No... i'm just going to get some air." i say, taking Sehun's offered jacket and covering myself up.

Sehun looks like he wants to protest, but is way too respectful for that. He leaves me with a nod, and a short kiss to the inside of my wrist, setting my nerves aflame.

I stand a little wobbly and head to the backyard, aiming to finally get a deep breath. Something about being around Sehun just makes me feel like i can never get an sufficient amount of oxygen. It's like he never fails to take my breath away.

....

Coming back into the house is nothing short of chaos. 

Everyone seems to be at each other's throats. I don't know exactly what's happening, but i recognize Jongin and Baekhyun right in the middle of it. Some extremely harsh words are being exchanged, i feel like they really don't mean for some of these things to be coming out in public. Kris, Sehun's "father" i recognize, holding back Baekhyun's boyfriend while he looks like he wants to tear Jongin apart, and Kris trying to break up the crowed. 

Jongin doesn't seem to want that seeing that he keeps trying to antagonize Kris, making matters worse for himself. He says something that seems to silence everyone, and i know he said something he really shouldn't have. Baekhyun looks especially upset, and eventually gets upset and throws a couple of his own harsh words out before he's leaving. 

I lose focus in him however when Sehun passes by me, weaving through the crowed at a record speed. That's not good. I worry at my lip for a second before i decide it's best to follow him and latch onto his heels.

Sehun reaches the front of the crowed and stills, listening to his best friend and his father figure fight. Chanyeol had been released from Kris a while ago and now stands close to Kyungsoo, both staring after the door with worry and confusion.

I take my attention off of them and turn back to Kris and Jongin who seem like they want to go for blood.

"Stop this, Jongin. You've caused enough damage tonight. You've hurt Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Tao, and even me. That's enough." Kris warns through clenched teeth.

Jongin cackles dangerously at that and steps forward. They're so close that i have to strain to hear what they're saying. I don't even have to know what's about to happen, i can feel it with the raised hairs on the back of my neck. "i haven't even started, Yifan."

Kris lifts his lip in an almost snarl "what the fuck do you want out of this, Jongin? What sick satisfaction do you get out of hurting your friends?"

Jongin snorts, and there's a level of insanity in his eyes that sends a shiver up my spine. "You're not my friend. And what do i want?..."

"Kai" It's Sehun's voice. It's a heavy warning, one that makes me want to curl in on myself.

The laugh that follows is chilling. Jongin half turns to look at his best friend, giving him an almost challenging expression as if he's daring Sehun to stop him. Sehun takes a step forward and grabs at Jongin's arm, pulling him back. "I want you to suffer. You don't deserve happiness. You don't deserve to have what you took from him." Jongin says, pointing at Kyungsoo. "I want you to feel his pain."

"That's enough, Jongin." Sehun says, effectively getting himself between Kris and Jongin, pressing his palms against Jongin's chest.

"You don't deserve what you have." Jongin yells, looking nearly manic. "You deserve nothing but misery. You and your little slut, Ta-"

Jongin doesn't get to finish that sentence however. The sound of Sehun's fist connecting with Jongin's face echos through the room in the most ominous sound. No one even dares to breath as Jongin hits the ground.

Sehun doesn't even hesitate for a second before he's turning on his heels and marching through the crowed. I follow instantly and find myself chasing him out of the house and into the back yard. He just keeps moving, despite the stares. Despite the madness behind us. Sehun doesn't stop. That is until his name rolls off of my lips.

"Sehun"

He pauses in the darkness of the yard, his shoulders hunched and his arm cradled to his chest. My last steps to him are slow and cautious, as if approaching an injured animal. 

"Sehun, are you okay?" i ask gently, moving around him so we're facing one another.

Sehun takes in a deep shuttering breath "I just decked my best friend for saying unforgivable things about the two people who took me in when i had nothing, do you think i'm okay?"

I swallow hard at the slightly broken look in his eyes and reach up, brushing my fingers down his jawline. "Let me see."

The hesitant expression he gives me, makes me roll my eyes and tap the side of his neck "Sports medicine, remember. I'm probably one of the few people actually qualified to look at it."

Despite the situation, Sehun's lips tick slightly and i take that as a win. He releases his hand and lets it rest in my upturned one. It's already starting to bruise and swell.

I sigh and tug at his elbow, careful of his hand. "Come on."

"Where are we going?" Sehun asks, but follows obediently.

I reach down and pull his left hand into my right. "My place."

>>>>

~Sehun~

"Sit." Luhan orders, as he disappears into his bathroom.

I note the decently sized dorm room and the football posters covering the walls, as well as a few kpop ones. It's exceptionally clean, besides the mass of cloths covering his desk chair. Clearly someone was stressing out about what to wear tonight.

I chuckle and perch myself on the edge of luhan's bed, careful not to disturb the comforter. Luhan once told me of his thing with his bed, and i want to respect that.

I try my best not to think of what just happened. I know that no matter what Jongin and i will work everything out, hell, he'll probably blame himself and apologize to me, with a black eye and everything. I'm not the one he should be apologize to, though. I know it wasn't him, but gods, he went way too far. I can't really bring myself to regret what I did, but it still kills me every time I have to go to these lengths to just bring my best friend back to himself. How could he say those things? How could he say that about Tao, someone who's loved him as a son, just like me? I angrily run my thumb over my swollen and bruised knuckles, cringing at the pain the shoots up my arm, and cursing everything for getting so fucked up lately. 

Of course i knew about Baek and Tao hooking up in high school. I thought everyone knew, but apparently not. I swear, if Kris freaks out about this....

"Hey." A soft voice pulls me out of my head, and i glance up to see Luhan standing at the doorway.

He smiles gently at me, like i'm a scared little rabbit he's afraid will run off, and moves towards me. Luhan gets a few feet from me, then stops dead when he notices where i'm sitting. I'm tempted to move, before shakes his head as if to clear a thought, and drops to his knees in front of me. 

I lift my hand when he gestures for me to place it in his palm, and wince at how bad it hurts. "Lesson one of punching someone, learn how to throw a proper punch, kid."

I sigh and try to hold in another wince when he applies pressure. "i didn't think i'd be punching anyone... well, ever."

Luhan breathes out a laugh and continues to observe my hand, his worry increasing along with the furrow in his brow "Sehun... i think you've fractured a knuckle or two. There shouldn't be this much swelling."

I mentally curse and raise my head. I'm fucked if i can't draw or use my hand for a while.

"Let me take you to the hospital, they can do an x-ray and take care of it better than i can." Luhan says, leaning his head down and brushing his lips over the darkest part of the bruise.

My breath catches and the tip of my tongue shoots out to lick over my lips. Every bit of the sexual tension that built up while i was tying Luhan up, starts to stir from it's hiding place. Luhan had looked so damn beautiful in those ropes. The color. The harness. He was made for ropes and gods, i didn't want to take him out of them. 

My good hand reaches out and clasps at his arm, pulling it up into my view. The dark red imprint from the rope is still there, taunting me, promising me that Luhan is everything I've been waiting for. My own little rope bunny kneeling before me.

"Just wrap it up, i'll go tomorrow." I say, scraping my teeth slightly over the crisscross pattern.

"Sehun." i can tell it's meant to be a protest, but it just comes out as a breathy moan, and i know there's no way in hell i'm going to the hospital now.

We lock eyes, a challenge in mine and a sort of plead in his, but soon he relents and pulls out a wrap, trying to be as careful as possible while stabilizing my hand as good as he can. Fuck it hurts, but i hold it together for his sake.

When he's done, i wast no time, grabbing his arm and pulling him up onto my lap. Luhan looks mildly surprised, before his eyes cloud and i discover that he wants me just as much as i want him.

Luhan is the first to lean in, but i meet him halfway. Our lips clash. It's messy, but in the good, needy sort of way. My tongue quickly finds its way into luhan's mouth, and the moan he releases in response is way too delicious.

"Fuck." Luhan curses, pulling away. "i don't usually put out on the first date, Sehun."

I smirk and pout up at him "i'm injured."

Luhan's eyes narrow "Don't use that. Injuries will not get you pity points."

I laugh and let my left hand wander to the waist band of his jeans, discreetly slipping inside, and molding around his ass. I give his small apple ass a good squeeze and he moans, biting his lip.

"You know, technically that day we went out for bubble tea could be considered a date. And we've met for coffee numerous times, and i even took you to meet my parents... we could say we've been on many dates." i suggest, giving his ass another squeeze, forcing his hips to buck forward.

The movements cause his front to collide with my own, and i feel how hard he is. Luhan want's this, he's just being a little tease. I resist the urge to snort, because of course he'd be a fucking tease.

Luhan gasps, and hums, his body clearly at war with his head "fuck, you make it so tempting."

My hand slips over, sliding into the crease between his beautiful ass and, pressing lightly over his rim. "How tempting?"

Luhan's breath halts and his hips pause in their small jerking motions, and for a second i feel like I've done something wrong, before Luhan is pressing me down onto his mattress. He shimmies up my lap, lining his perineum right over my crotch and doing an achingly slow grind. If i wasn't fully hard before, i am now. Luhan makes no movement to tell me that this is new to him. He's slept with guys before, and for some reason that makes an emotion register in my chest, but i can't seem to pull it out in the mist of my arousal.

The finger that still rests over his rim, prods a little deeper, pressing the tip in gently, before retreating. Luhan makes a high pitched whine, and i have to catch my breath, because i nearly cum from that sound alone. Luhan pushes my shirt up, pulling it up to bunch at my armpits. He places a kiss above my bellybutton and my heart does a little kick at the display of care.

"Have you ever fingered anyone before?" Luhan asks, his voice breathless as he shamelessly grinds himself down onto my hardness.

I nod and lick over my lips "a few times."

"Can you finger me with your left hand?" Luhan questions, setting his hands on my chest and rocking his hips back and forth.

I toss my head back and curse, before calming myself and looking back down at him "y-yeah, i'm ambidextrous."

Luhan slows down in his motions and meets my eyes "really?"

I nod and laugh at his expression "I mean, i'm better with my right, but i can use both."

He takes in this information like this change has significantly affected his reality, but shakes it off and reaches down. He pops open my jeans easily, and slides down the zipper, before tugging my jeans down my legs. Once they're off, Luhan climbs back onto my lap and starts his grinding again, but halts almost instantly.

"Everything okay?" I ask, my tone pitched and distressed. Anyone would sound like that if they had a very beautiful blond boy straddling their thighs, humping the life out of them. 

Luhan pushes up onto his knees, and looks down at my boxer clothed crotch in mild confusion and surprise. He doesn't say anything, just grasps at the waistband of my underwear and yanks them down my thighs.

It's so sudden that i can't even prepare for the cold air hitting my dick, or the abrupt gasp followed by a moan, Luhan releases.

"Holy shit, Sehun. You're fucking huge." He says sounding as if he wants to cry.

I bite at my lips and push up onto my elbows "i can bottom, if you'd like."

"Hell no, i am not missing out on the chance to ride that." Luhan says, climbing off of me, and starting to strip out of his cloths. He turns around, giving me a good view of his ass, while my jacket slips off his shoulders, leaving them bare in a loose fitting tank-top.

Watching, i let my hand find it's way to my length, giving it a few appreciative pumps. "Slower." I say boldly.

Luhan pauses, and begins to slip his tank-top up his body, inch by agonizing inch. His smooth, milky skin so biteable. It's a pity he was wearing cloths while i tied him up. I would have given anything to see his body covered in the same crisscross pattern decorating his wrists. Next time.

His jeans come next, his boxers going down along with them. I swallow thickly as he bends over to release them from his ankles. His hole looking so delicate and pink. I want to ruin him.

"Come here, Luhan." i say huskily, surprising myself at the command.

Luhan jumps and stands quickly, then turns and comes back to me. His eyes are wide and alert, waiting for me to tell him what to do, and i relish in it. So, this is what Yixing talks about. He's right, it's fascinating and yet satisfying at the same time.

"Lube, baby?" i ask, reaching out and trailing my fingers down his thigh, appreciating how beautiful his delicate, dusty pink cock is.

A moment later, Luhan produces a bottle from under his bed along with a condom, and hands it to me.

"I can't use my other hand to hold me up, so i'm going to need you to turn around, bend over, and grasp your knees." i instruct.

Without a second thought, Luhan does as i say. I have to give him props for his body. It's ridiculously fit. I have a feeling we're going to have some fun with the fact that Luhan is an athlete. The angle he's standing at opens him up perfectly, and i admire how smooth and flawless his skin is. Perfection is right in my grasp, and i take advantage of that. 

His ass feels plump and soft under my hand. He quivers slightly as my fingers map out the expanse of his behind and the tops of his thighs. It's too tantalizing and hell, i don't have to hold back anymore. Luhan wants me too, so i feel i'm perfectly warranted when i sink my teeth into the fleshy backside of his thigh. Luhan squeaks and grasps onto his legs so hard his fingers whiten. 

I snicker and dodge the sudden hand swung at my head. In retaliation i pop open the lube, rather ungracefully with one hand, and gather a healthy amount on my fingers, then rub them around his puckered hole. Luhan's breath hitches, and just as he relplaces the hand he was trying to hit me with, i bite down on his upper thigh, just under the swell of his ass.

Luhan makes a loud squeaky moaning noise and before he can dislodge his hand gain, i sink a finger into his heat, down to the knuckle.

"Fuck." Luhan moans out. "You're such a little shit."

I snort and begin working my finger in and out of him, rubbing his walls with curls of my digit. I add the second when i feel he's ready, surprised by how well he's doing relaxing and stretching quickly.

"Do you do this often, Luhan?" i ask, pushing in deep, and scissoring my fingers slowly.

Luhan, who's hips have started to move in their own accord, breaths out harshly. "I've been doing it a lot lately."

"Why?" i ask, placing a small kiss to the peek of his right ass cheek.

He whines and arches his back, silently asking for more. I push in another finger and he moans deep in his chest. "B-because of you. I've wanted you for so long. It just keeps getting worse and worse every day. I'll come home and fuck myself for hours, but it's never enough."

"Do you want me?" i ask teasingly.

Luhan growls in frustration. "Yes."

"Do you need my cock?"

A harsh pant answers me, and i know he's ready. "Yes, Sehun. Fuck. Please."

"You're ready, baby." i say, pulling my fingers out of his heat, even as he tries desperately to pull me back in.

I scoot back on the bed, again, not the easiest thing to do with one hand, and lay down on my back. I watch Luhan stand up straight on shaky legs, and jerkily climbs onto the bed. His pretty cock stands proud and leaking between his legs.

He throws a leg over and effectively straddles my hips, sitting back far enough to grab my length. My breath hitches and i feel my hips jerk, as he pumps me a few time. I'm so achingly hard at this point, i just want to cum.

Something covers my cock, and i look up to see Luhan rolling the condom down my length. Clearly luhan is not feeling so patient anymore, though i'm not complaining.

Luhan sits up onto his knees, and shimmies forward on my hips to line himself up. He pauses and his eyes flicker to mine, locking our gazes in an intense moment as he takes a deep breath and slowly breaches himself with my cock. The head is engulfed in a crazy amount of heat and pressure. It feels nothing like that fleshlight Kyungsoo bought me for my birthday last year. It's so much better.

Inch by torturing inch, Luhan slides down until he bottoms out and sits flat on my hips. He places his hands palm down on my chest and sucks in a shaky gulp of air. I run my hands up the sides of his thighs, and he flexes them to signal that he's okay.

"Is there anything on you that isn't fucking huge?" Luhan asks, attempting a small circle with his hips. He gasps and moans lowly, lifting himself up a few inches and sinking back down.

I chuckle and slide my hands up his body. Luhan bends down and finds my lips, seizing me with his addicting kiss. I feel dizzy and lightheaded from it, like the worlds most effective drug. 

"My nipples are pretty small." i say offhandedly when he pulls away.

Despite the situation, he laughs, and resumes his previous position, only this time he kicks his legs up and plants his feet flat on the bed.

I lift an eyebrow and smirk at the other. "Are you going to bounce for me, bunny?"

Luhan's breath hitches and he nearly looses balance for a second, and i blink at him in surprise, storing this information for later. The pet name could come in handy.

He starts to move, his enthusiasm and need shining brightly. Luhan closes his eyes and tosses his head back, losing himself in riding me. It's damn near hypnotizing. The way he sinks down and pushes up, his body tight and muscles rolling with every movement. I'm obsessed.

"Sehun, so good." Luhan whines, sweat beading on his skin, and a pink blotchiness covering his torso. Beautiful.

I bend my knees and sit up, securing him with an arm around his back, while my mouth arches onto his collar bone. I etch my name into the dark red patch i leave behind, moving on to another spot of too clear skin. Luhan makes a high "ah" and grasps onto my shoulder, and the back of my head.

He grabs a hand full of my hair, continuing to drop down on my cock with vigor, while i ink his skin with my unashamed claim. Our lips find their way back to each other naturally, and it quickly becomes messy and uncoordinated. Luhan starts to ride me so hard that it's difficult to keep a hold of him, so to keep him from slipping i try to tighten my hand over his ass, only to realize my right arm was the one holding him up.

I wince loudly and tense, which of course Luhan notices. He immediately drops down, fully seated, and pushes me onto my back. He grabs my wrist and pulls it to him to look over my hand, probably making sure the binding is still secure.

Luhan rolls his eyes and places my hand gently against my chest, giving me a look that dares me to move it. He drops back down, so his shins press fully into the bed and starts rolling his hips in a way that makes me throw my head back and moan deeply. Every inch of my dick is engulfed, being squeezed and massaged by Luhan's tight, scorching walls. 

"Fuck." I curse, once again grabbing onto his hip with my good hand. "You're so good for me, bunny."

At the name, his hips stutter for a second, before starting to move faster. Definitely going to use that to my advantage.

Feeling like i'm not putting my weight into this, I wrap my hand around his twitching length, but he pushes my hand away, scrunching his nose up and continuing to bounce his hips. His thighs flex with every movement and fuck it's damn right sinful. I make a mental note to have him ride my face one day so i can get up close and personal with those thighs. 

In another effort to do my part in this, I lift my own hips off the bed, jabbing a particular powerful thrust up into Luhan's heat, and he makes a beautiful high pitched whine and arches backwards, resting his palms on my thighs just above my knees. I must have hit a particularly good spot because the next thing i know, Luhan's hips lift, push forward, as he clenches around my shaft, then white paints his length and balls, dripping down onto my abdomen. I curse and lick my lips at how hot it is to watch him come undone, just by my cock alone.

I slow my hips, allowing him to catch his breath, but also to take a second to come down. Luhan's hands tremble on my thighs as he pushes himself forward and places his palms flat on my chest again.

His face is closer to mine now. He looks wrecked in the best sense of the word, and a bit of pride surges through me that i was able to do that.

"You look beautiful like this." I say, my voice scratchy and deep.

Luhan gives me a lopsided grin and uses my chest as leverage to push his hips up, then back down, sliding my length in and out of himself achingly slow. It's damn near torture, but hell, it feels so good.

"Come on, Sehunnie. Cum for me, baby." He draws, his voice even raspier and breathier than mine.

I reach up and lock my left hand over his hip. "Do you really want me to cum?"

Luhan cocks his head to the side and seems almost confused "isn't that the point?"

I chuckle darkly. "Bunny, this isn't going to do it." His eyes dilate.

He opens his mouth to ask, but i don't give him the chance. I sit up, locking my arm (the good one) around his back, and use my hips as leverage to knock him onto his back. I manage to stay inside of him, and his legs easily drop to the bed in a stunning athletic reverse split. I'd be amazed by his flexibility, if there wasn't a sinful, and downright dirty moan that falls from his lips.

"Fuck, Sehun." Luhan says, nearly gulping air into his lungs. "You have to warn me when you do that shit. I swear i almost came again."

I growl deep in my chest and lean forward, my teeth scraping his earlobe. "I'm curious. How many times can i make you cum tonight?"

Luhan whines and twitches below me "Sehun, please. Fuck me, please."

I grin and grind my cock deep into him, eliciting another high pitched whine. I pull out, slowly. I want him to feel every inch, every vein, every curve of my dick slipping out of him. Then i slam myself back inside of him and pick up a bruising pace, fucking into him so fast, the scream he releases catches in his throat.

I can feel that familiar tightening in my abdomen, as i drill Luhan into the mattress. He clenches around me, and i moan deep in my chest. "Luhan, fuck." i hiss, and thrust in as deep as i can go and cum with a deep growl of Luhan's name.

When i come back to earth after the most satisfying orgasm I've ever had, luhan is staring up at me in a look of awe, while he lazily pumps his once again hard length. I gasp in air and lay my head down on his chest, listening to his rapidly beating heart, before lifting my head back up and staring down at him, truly believing that he's the only thing keeping my own heart beating.

I grin down at him and he returns it, leaning up to peck a small kiss to my lips "what's your refractory time? I'm ready for round two."

I smirk and decide that i want to make this boy cry tonight. 

....

Light dusts the sky outside the window when my eyes crack open. I can tell it's barely dawn, but i know i need to get home. My phone is still at the house, so i know I'm going to get a mouthful when i get back. Yixing and Tao are going to lecture the shit out of me, and i really would like to get that over and take a nap before Chen gets home and inevitably grounds us for eternity. 

I sit up in bed and groan at how bad my body protests. I lost track of how many times i made Luhan cum last night, but i don't think my body did. Jongin was right, sex is a workout. I go to pick up the blanket strewn across my lower half, and wince as horrible pain slices through my hand. Fuck, i forgot about that.

I sigh and add it to the list of all the things i have to deal with today and use my left hand to push the blanket off this time.

Feeling around on the floor, i pick up luhan's tank-top and smile to myself as i slip it on. I'm about to climb out of bed to find the rest of my cloths, but a hand on my arm stops me.

I turn around to find a messy haired, marked up, sleep eyed angel, squinting up at me. Gods he's so beautiful, even after the night we just had, he's perfect.

"You're not bailing on me now, are you?" Luhan asks. I can tell it's a joke, but the slight hesitance has me leaning down and pressing my lips against his.

Luhan grins and i nuzzle my nose into his cheek "i wouldn't dream of it, beautiful. I need to go home to try and do some damage control before Chen and Minseok come home later today."

He nods and sits up on his elbow "so, I'll see you later?"

I smile and press my lips to his again, a little more greedily this time. "Of course. I'll text you when i get home, though it might be a bit... i have a feeling it's going to be a long lecture."

Luhan's eyebrow raises "lecture?"

I nod "yeah, the whole disappearing all night without my phone, and showing up the next day smelling and looking like sex, probably won't go over well."

"Right. Your friends tend to act more like mothers than friends... for some reason i forgot about that." Luhan snarks.

I roll my eyes and slip out of bed, grabbing my jeans off the floor. Putting jeans on with one hand is considerable harder than you think it is. "Don't be too hard on them, it'll be hard enough finding out their youngest isn't a virgin anymore, let alone the fact that he broke three major rules all within one night."

Luhan snorts "rules? You have ru- wait... virgin?"

I watch Luhan's eyes bulge and he jumps to his knees on the bed. "Yes... i was a virgin before last night. I thought you knew that." 

Luhan blinks at me and shakes his head "there's no... there's no fucking way. You made me ugly cry while you took me from behind, Sehun. There's no way you're a virgin."

I shrug and search the floor for my shoes "i don't know what to tell you. I swear i was."

Silence greets me and i look up to find Luhan, blinking wide eyed out his window. He looks lost in his own world.

"Han?" I ask, worried that i might have fucked something up.

The other shakes his head and slides his gaze back to me. His eyes are startlingly glassy. "It was your first time. It should have been more special. It should have been romantic and sweet."

I can't help the laugh that bubbles up from my belly, causing Luhan to give me a death glare. At least he doesn't look like he's going to cry anymore. "Luhan, the reason why i stayed a virgin for so long is because i didn't want to sleep with just anyone. I wanted it to be with someone i really care about. It was spacial because it was with you, and i don't regret a second of it."

His eyes once again sparkle with emotions, and i can't resist leaning down with one knee on the bed in front of him, and wrapping my good hand around the back of his neck, bringing him towards me. "You're important to me, Luhan. I'm glad my first time was with you."

Luhan sniffles and punches softly at my chest "Stupid. You still should have told me. I could have taken things slower and made it a bit more romantic."

I chuckle and wink at him. "Next time i'll let you ride me nice and slow for hours."

The blush that fills his cheeks as he adverts his eyes is just too precious. I want to bundle him in my arms, fall back into bed, and stay there forever. I know i need to go home and face my hyungs, though. The way i left last night is beyond worrying, but staying out all night without a way to contact me, probably has them in a frenzy.

I bring my hand around to cup his jaw and lean in, kissing both of us breathless. I pull away and Luhan whines at me, forcing a silent snort out of me. He's even cuter than i could have ever imagined. Who knew that getting Luhan into bed would unlock his adorable side. 

"Don't forget to call me" Luhan remarks when i open the door.

I smirk and peer over my shoulder "of course, bunny."

The last thing i see before closing the door behind me is luhan's wide, near horrified eyes and his cheeks blushed a deep red. Adorable. 

No matter what happens at home, i know i will never regret last night. I know Luhan wishes it could have been more sentimental, but i couldn't imagine a better first time. I wouldn't change a thing about last night. A wince interrupts my thought as i absentmindedly reach up to push my hand through my hair... well, one thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the HunHan! i know you've been waiting for it for a while, but i hope you can understand why it took me a bit, since it's a bit longer than the others. HaHa. 
> 
> I was a little uncertain about the smut scene. I was debating on leaving it as a cute, falling asleep in each others arms pg scene, or going with the actual HunHan sex scene, but my best friend and editor convinced me that it was time to do a good smut scene for this book, as well as HunHan was ready for it as well. I hope i did them justice.
> 
> As always, comments and questions are welcome. You guys are awesome. Seriously, i think it's you guys commenting and keeping me on track that keeps me writing this one. I love writing this story, but it's rather easy to neglect. I'll try my best not to do that.
> 
> Anyways, i love you guys! XiuChen is up next, see you then!
> 
> 사랑해 


	30. White flag (XiuChen)

~Minseok~

"Good morning." Tao sings as another customer sets off the twinkling above the door. It was Chanyeol's idea, since he often got lost in tasks and customers would repeatedly scare the life out of him when they came up to the counter without a warning. Honestly for me it was amusing, but i could tell it was taking a couple of years off the kid. I placed them there years ago and somehow have just become a part of the cafe itself.

"Good morning, Tao." A familiar voice responds behind me. My world stills. "I just wanted to pick up a coffee before class."

Tao nods and turns to me with a secretive smirk on his lips. I swear i will beat him for it later. I might just throw him into the kitchen with Kyungsoo and let the gods decide his punishment.

"Good morning, Minseok." Jongdae greets, and my heart slams into my chest as i begin making his drink. Where is Chanyeol when i need him? Oh, right, he's in Jongdae's morning class.

It's not that i'm avoiding Jongdae. Actually the opposite. I go out of my way to be accommodating and nice to him. After he told me the truth about his drinking problem and the things he went through after graduation, it put some things in perspective. It's like the realization of what kind of place Jongdae was in made me sit back and think. Most of the anger drained out of me. The hurt is still there, but mainly i'm just confused. I'm lost in my thoughts and i don't really know what to do anymore.

Forgiving Jongdae and moving past it sounds nice, but it's also scary to trust someone who knowingly did such a thing. I know he wasn't in a good place, but he still did what he did and how do i just move past that? I don't know where i stand anymore, and Jongdae being around makes everything that much more disorienting. It's like i have all of these feelings and thoughts, but at the same time, the second i see him everything becomes fuzzy and i can't remember why i'm upset or distant. I wish we could sit down and talk it out, but i feel like i need more time, more space to sort myself out. It doesn't mean it's easy to stay away, though.

Jongdae and i haven't really talked to one another all week, but we've kept it civil. Small smiles and greetings exchanged at the house, and here at the shop. We're almost like acquaintances rather than friends, or ex lovers as we could be considered. I kind of hate the distant familiarity, but i can't really complain because, well, i asked for it. It's almost as if things have returned to normal. Like it was before Jongdae crash landed back into my life, except Jongdae's still here, and that's so much worse.

I don't particularly care for it. It's familiar and simple, but i somehow find myself craving the sound of loud, borderline obnoxious laughter throughout my day. I ache for the feeling of being teased and challenged during a conversation. I need the wonderful sensation of my heart fluttering in my chest when an easy smile or soft, knowing eyes are sent my way. I might just miss Jongdae a little bit.

I turn to Jongdae with his drink in my hand and a thousand words bubble up in my throat. A million things i want to tell him, explain to him, ask him. I want to say so much and forgive so much, but all that comes out is... "Good morning, Chen."

The name even makes me wince and i don't for a second miss the way his eyes crinkle in distaste. But in Jongdae's normal fashion, he says nothing.

Jongdae makes his leave, sending me a soft, yet hesitant smile. I hate myself a bit for it. Jongdae feels unsure around me. I guess i have the power to pull the rug out from under him any moment. I have the power to hurt him this time, and i kind of understand where Jongdae was at back then. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Jongdae was just a kid back then, he was just starting to navigate the world. I probably would have made the same call if I was in his shoes. Jongdae thought he was toxic and therefor made a decision to protect me. Yeah, it broke my heart that he denied me, but what would have happened if he didn't? What life would we have lived if he had stayed by my side? Would i have the coffee shop? Would i be coaching an amazing soccer team? Would i have these amazing boys in my life that i consider family? Would Jongdae even be who he is now, or would he still be like he was back then?

I'm not sure if i would still love Jongdae today if he was still chasing the next party or finding the bottom of every bottle every night. I'm not sure i could look at Jongdae and feel what i feel if i had missed out on my dreams because he couldn't pull himself together.

Maybe Jongdae's right. Pulling away from me and hurting me was the right call. He needed to find himself and find the drive to change. I still don't know what made him 180, but i think it's exactly what he needed.

....

It's late. I'm dead tired, and dragging by the time i make it up the stairs and down the hallway. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo both asked for the evening off because of huge assignments due soon, which i don't mind in the slightest, but it takes me back to the good old days when i first opened El Dorado and couldn't afford much staff, so i had to do most of it on my own. I don't know how i survived back then without my team.

I pass by Chanyeol's room and am surprised to see he's still up with the light on. I peek inside to make sure he didn't fall asleep at his desk or something, and am surprised to find Chanyeol and Jongdae sitting at Chanyeol's large desk filled with papers, music equipment, and a computer that he worked his ass off for freshman year. I admit i may have bulked up his checks a bit more that semester. It always amuses me to see the boy's rooms and how they mimic their personalities. Chanyeol's room is more desk and work area than anything, with a small bed tucked against the wall. His music equipment is strewn in every corner and pictures of his family and friends cover the wall. You can see what's important to him, and it's sad to see that sleep isn't one of them.

Jongdae and Chanyeol have headphones on, seeming to go through an arrangement for a song that i know Chanyeol's been composing for one of his music classes. They seem to be speaking in gestures and pointing alone. I wonder what the song sounds like. Coming from Chanyeol it must be beautiful and guessing Jongdae's keen sense for music, i honesty can't wait to hear it.

Watching them like this makes me super proud. Of both of them. They're more alike than they realize. Jongdae and Chanyeol have been through a lot. They've have had to push themselves more than most, and have overcome some debilitating odds. I'm so lucky i get to see them now, to see what they've become, and to get to see where they go from here. Good things wait for them in the future.

It hits me then. Almost knocks the wind out of me at how much i want to be a part of that future. Both of their future's. Chanyeol is a given, he's like a son to me and i couldn't ever imagine a life without him in it. Jongdae, though... i want to know how his life goes from here. I want to see the things he achieves and the choices he makes. I want to know the little things, like will he ever buy an actual car? (even though i love the motorcycle.) Will he stop drinking regular coffee and broaden his horizons to a more complex blend? Will he stop curling his hair or leave it this adorable mess it is now?

I want to know where Jongdae's life goes, but i also want to be a part of it. I want to be a part of those decisions. I want him to stop drinking basic coffee because i proved to him that i make a badass latte, or he gets a better vehicle for our regular road trips we go on together. I want to be a part of these little moments in life with him. I want to be by Jongdae's side.

"Hey."

My head snaps up to find my boys staring at me, curious and a little smug. (fucking Park Chanyeol) Jongdae was the one who called out to me, and i'm a bit startled at how soft it sounds even with his rough, sleepless voice.

"You two should head to bed, it's late." i say, coming further into the room and placing a hand on Chanyeol's head. He leans into it and i can't help the gentle smile that tugs at my lips. He's too cute for words sometimes.

I pet at Chanyeol's head and he hums lightly. "Sorry, we lost track of time. We really should get to bed, Yeol." Jongdae says, reaching out to pat Chanyeol's arm.

I'm glad that i no longer see that jealous spark in Jongdae's eyes whenever i give Chanyeol attention, but i do notice the yearning, that i too seem to feel towards Jongdae. Once again a thousand words fill my mouth, but nothing comes out. I wonder what's stopping me? Why can't i seem to tell Jongdae how i feel? How i truly want him and see where it goes? But words fail me, turning to ash on my tongue.

We manage to get the zombie known as Chanyeol into his bed and tuck him in, before turning all of his equipment off and closing the door. I'm pretty sure he was snoring even before the latch clicked. Poor kid. It always gets like this at the end of the semester.

Jongdae turns to me when we realize that we're alone and gives me a tense smile. I can tell he also has a lot to say to me, but eventually he just sighs and says "Goodnight, Minseok."

I yearn to fold myself into his arms and ask him to stay with me tonight, but i push it away. I realize that i want to be in Jongdae's life, but something is stopping me. I have a reservation still, and going forward without figuring out what it is will only set us up for a problem later. I owe it to Jongdae to be completly certain before going forward.

I smile and reach out, squeezing his hand, before dropping it and passing him heading to Baekhyun's room, calling a soft "Goodnight, Dae." over my shoulder.

>>>>

~Jongdae~

"See, this is why i hate frat boys. They're complete asshats." Jiyong says, dangerously twirling his fork around.

"Hey, we're not all bad." I protest. Sungjae silently agrees.

Jiyong scoffs and shakes his head "Please, my brother is one of the worst asshats of them all, and his stupid idiot of a fuckbuddy is the king of asshats. I walked into the supply closet at work and caught them fucking on some boxes of Malibu. I can't make a fucking pina colata without thinking about it."

Jiyong makes a fake gagging noise, and I snort and shake my head, while Sungjae just rolls his eyes and crosses his legs. We all get together about once a month because we're decently close friends, and because sometimes it's nice to have a bitch session or two without having an entire room of strangers appraising our every word. This has become our tradition, and I've actually started looking forward to it. If Jiyong wouldn't show up at my place and literally drag my ass to the regular meetings, (yes, that has happened before) i think i'd be okay with just this.

I just finished telling them everything that happened over this past weekend, along with the truth of what happened all of those years ago with Minseok. Of course, Jiyong is on Minseok's side. Sungjae hasn't said much, he never really does. I don't think Sungjae is actually capable of judging anyone. Sungjae takes in information and regards it with a freeing silence, which we let him have here. In AA we're always pushed to talk about everything; our lives, our struggle, our feelings, but here it's a safe place. If he doesn't want to speak then he doesn't have to speak. Which most of the time, he doesn't.

Jiyong however...

"But seriously, you acted like a fuckboy back then and you are actually aware that you fucked him over, which hurt him that much more. Like imagine having something like that happen, and the only thing that made it okay was that it wasn't intentional. Then years later you find out that the guy you were in love with knew all along and your heartbreak suddenly becomes something of negligence, rather than unrequited. That has to be the hardest pill to swallow. If it was me, i would have dropped you." Jiyong explains in his 'no filter' kind of way.

A sigh pulls from my lips and i resist the urge to pop him in the back of the head like i do with his younger brother when he says something inappropriate and too bold. I blame Heechul. "He didn't though. All he asked for was time. He seemed so confused and unsure. He needed some space and time to figure some things out."

"And you've been giving it to him?" Sungjae asks, interrupting whatever thought was about to pop out of Jiyong.

"Of course. I'd give Minseok anything he asked for. I can only give him a certain amount of space because he's still staying at the house and i do pop into the cafe but that's because I've traded alcohol for coffee and he's the best supplier in the city." I tell them.

Sungjae nods his head in contemplation. "I think you're being reasonable. You're doing everything he asked and i think he'll come to you when he's ready. Minseok is one of the most understanding people I've ever met. He'll come around."

I glance over at a suspiciously quiet Jiyong, who just shrugs. "I agree. Keep giving him space. He'll choose one way or another."

"How much exactly does Minseok know. About you, i mean?" Sungjae asks, sipping at his coffee.

"He knows about my drinking problem that evolved after college and that i regularly go to AA. He knows I've been through a lot of shit and he knows i'm working hard to become the best version of myself." I explain. Minseok and i were unable to talk further, especially after i discovered what the boys had gotten into while i was away last weekend. There's some things that i would like to clarify and explain to him, but i don't want to push.

Minseok asked for time and within that, space, but it's hard to give that to him when i miss him like crazy. Minseok had become a constant in my life before i realized it. In AA we always talk about routine and grasping onto the things that make day to day easier. Minseok had definitely became one of those things. I don't just miss him, i kind of need him, and that alone kind of scares the hell out of me.

Sungjae just nods in silent regard and takes another drawl from his coffee. I envy his suave, lase fair attitude.

Jiyong, takes a large bite of his sandwich and talks around it. "does he know anything else?"

Sungjae cringes, outwardly honest with his dis-contempt. "Yes, i too would like to know what else you've told him. There's a large part of your life that i feel might cause some rift if he doesn't already know about it."

I sigh and anxiously tug at the napkin sitting on my lap "I don't know when the proper time to bring up the rest would be. He's coming around slowly, but i still don't know if he's willing to give me a chance. Things like this are delicate. It's bigger than how i feel about him, or my past. There would be no going back after telling him the full truth."

"Well, work harder. I know it's not your strong point, but talk to him, Dae. Show him your depth, give him your trust and he'll give you his." Jiyong explains, making it sound so easy.

It's not though. Trust, especially with something like this, doesn't come easy. No matter how i feel about Minseok, he'll always come second.

"I saw Seunghyun out shopping the other day with his ex lover, is everything okay between you two?" Sungjae suddenly asks Jiyong.

Jiyong groans and immediately launches into a story about a fight his boyfriend and he had the other night. He's full on rant mode, my problems forgotten in his own struggles. I smile and send a thankful nod in Sungjae's direction. He nods back and turns to Jiyong giving him his full attention. I really wish i knew how the classy fucker does it.

>>>>

~Minseok~

Rustling paper fills my ears, and numbers mixed with words dance across my eyesight. The rather unpleasing smell of ink pressed paper blocks my usual connection to my dark roasted beans that normally clings to every inch of my cells. Even as a cooling cup of the dark liquid sits before me, all i can seem to pick up is the official, overwhelming smell of paperwork. It's oppressing, even if it needs to be done.

A groan pulls from my throat and i let the papers fall to the table, pulling off my glasses and rubbing my face. Again i find myself doing my paperwork off of my normal schedule. I've been hold up at the cafe for the past couple of days. I just don't know how to work through this odd patch Jongdae and i have moved into.

I'm not mad at Jongdae anymore. Not really. I'm still hurt that he remembers everything, that he chose to ignore me and act like that night didn't mean anything. But it did... to both of us. I understand now how Jongdae viewed himself back then, that he felt he would have ruined me if he would have let himself stay with me the next morning. I get that he was a mess and had to work through of lot of problems, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

Even with small glimpses and breaths of Jongdae back in college, i still fell for him. I saw the person he could be, the person he really was behind the frat boy mask. That person would have died if Jongdae hadn't had fought so hard. If Jongdae wouldn't have had the freedom to find himself. He could never have done that with me by his side.

I feel like i can try to trust Jongdae now. I truly do. No one fights this hard without a reason, without a goal. Jongdae doesn't have to prove himself, because being as he is now, shows me who he really is. The man who is responsible for an entire household of boys because he doesn't want them to take his path. The man who takes his job serious enough to stay up late into the night helping a student with a project. The man who, despite his hardships, still puts himself out there and tries.

After my heartbreak, i shut myself down. I walled myself up and threw every bit of my heart and soul into the cafe. I wouldn't allow myself to take risks or be vulnerable. I locked myself up and threw away the key. Little did i know Jongdae had the key all along, and he's already unlocked the door. Don't i kind of owe it to him to leave the past in my lonely little tower and come outside? If he can do what he's done on his own, what could we do together?

"Just a coffee today, Yeol." I hear that voice, and it's almost like an omen answering my internalized questions.

I haphazardly shove my papers and files into somewhat of an organized stack and hurry my way to the front of the cafe. Jongdae stands with his back to me, his phone in hand, not focusing too much around him. I'm a bit disappointed that he's not asking or looking for me, but a second later when my phone buzzes in my pocket, i feel a bit stupid.

Are you in your office? Are you eating? Are you getting up and moving around? You know your back cramps up if you sit too long.

I smile down at the screen and peek up to find a bright red, sheepish looking Jongdae staring at me, like he just got caught doing something scandalous. It's almost adorable.

"I-i just wanted to make sure you were looking after yourself." Jongdae says, rubbing the back of his neck.

I nod. "Thank you. Yeol's been feeding me and making sure i stretch every forty-five minutes. Like exactly forty-five minutes. It's almost as if he is timing me." I narrow my eyes and glance back at Chanyeol, who seems to be standing way too close, almost like he was listening in to our conversation. But that's impossible. Chanyeol knows i'd skin him alive for ease dropping. Smartly, he 'nonchalantly' scoots away, playing overdone innocence.

Rolling my eyes, i place my attention back on Jongdae, who looks more amused than guilty now. "don't give him too much trouble, i asked him to keep an eye on you."

I tilt my head to the side and smile a bit. Coming from anyone else, i'd be upset. I hate being managed. I hate the feeling that i'm being looked after like a child, but knowing it's under Jongdae's eyes, makes a small warm bubble form in my chest.

"You don't need to take care of me, Dae." i say softly, an odd shyness taking over me for a moment.

A flash of light enters Jongdae's eyes for a second at the mention of the nickname, and i realize how dull they've been looking lately. Guilt stirs in my belly.

Jongdae shrugs and his fingers twitch like he wants to reach out to me, but he unfortunately resists the urge. I want to tell him that it's okay, that i want him to feel comfortable around me again. I want to feel like i did in Busan, before everything got complicated. I miss, crave, that familiarity with Jongdae. It was like we fell into something that we were always meant to, something so natural that we didn't even notice the shift.

We both seem to notice it now though. When you have to force yourself to distance from behavior that almost became second nature, it almost hurts.

"I'm used to taking care of you, Minnie. I always looked after you, even when you didn't know it." Jongdae says.

My mouth pops open to ask what he means by that, but Chanyeol, always the man of great timing, calls Jongdae's order.

Jongdae leaves me in confused silence to get his coffee, and offers me a final warm and too casual smile before turning around and heading for the door. There's a tenseness to his shoulders i didn't notice before. A sort of anxiousness to his regard and i find myself incredibly concerned.

"Wait, Dae. Where are you going? Want to stay and have a cup together?" i ask, not wanting him to walk out that door for some reason.

Jongdae pauses and turns to me, a regretful smile on his lips. His eyes storm up, like he really wishes more than anything that he could stay. "I can't, i have... i have a meeting." he says, his eyes telling me more than his words do.

A meeting. AA.

He leaves me without another word and i get why he's so tense, why today seems so hard for him. Jongdae carries a sort of dark cloud over his head on these days, and now i get why. It's hard to come face to face with your demons. Normally he can push it out of his head and go about his day without thinking of his past and his mistakes, but on these days, they make him face them. It can't be easy, especially going it alone.

"Yeol, can you close tonight?" i ask, already untying my uniform.

Chanyeol looks up from a book he had been absorbed in, and smirks at me, before motioning with his head for me to get out of here. I shoot him a grateful smile and rush out of the cafe.

Jongdae's already mounted his bike and latched his helmet. He's about to turn the machine on, but notices me standing on the sidewalk in front of his bike and blinks at me in confusion, silently asking why i'm here.

I take a deep, brave breath and step closer to his bike. If i reached out, i could brush my fingers over the cold twisted metal. "Take me with you."

"Come again?" Jongdae asks. He looks just as shocked as i feel.

My emotions this past couple of days have been nothing but a hurricane aftermath. I'm kind of a mess and don't really know where to begin to sort things out. I'm frustrated, hurt, exhausted, but above all... I'm kind of heart broken. The truth is... i miss Jongdae. Like really miss Jongdae. We were getting close before the trip to Busan as well as memory lane.

Everything got so messed up so fast and i don't exactly know what to do. My head and my heart are at war. The Jongdae I've been getting to know, the Jongdae i only saw small glimpses off back in college. He's sweet, and caring. He's intelligent and witty. He's charming and stupid sexy. He's the Jongdae I've always known existed behind the party boy image he projected so hard back then.

Jongdae's said he's changed, but honestly i don't think he has... he just finally became true to himself. Jongdae had to fight a hell of a battle and almost lost to become the person he was always capable of being. He's clawed his way out of his own personal hell to be the person right in front of me, and shouldn't I give him a chance to show me who that person really is.

I've seen the possibilities and I've seen the reality. I've seen the past, but I've yet to see the future. Maybe... just maybe Jongdae can be everything i never knew i wanted.

"I want to go with you to your meeting, if that's okay?" I say again, directing the ball into his court.

Jongdae viably swallows and nods his head minutely, as if he himself is unsure of why he's agreeing to this.

"Are you sure? Am i not allowed?" I ask, worrying if my bold move might be stepping over the line a bit.

Jongdae shakes his head and licks at his lips. "No, it's fine. It just... it gets a little intense. Sometimes the stories we share and the things we express can be graphic and hard to hear. You're welcome to come, just be prepared that it can be rough to sit through."

I take a big breath and walk around to the side of the bike, so i can be closer to him. "Dae, I'm prepared to see the dark side of your past. I know what you went through was terrifying and traumatic. I can understand your hesitance to share it with anyone, because when people see scars they run. When things get rocky or uncertain they disappear. But I'm not going anywhere. I need to understand you and to do that i need to see all of you, Jongdae."

Jongdae lets go of a shaky breath and his eyes shine with an uncertain vulnerability. He's trusting me to see the depth of his struggles and i know there's no going back now. Jongdae's willing to open himself up and offer me his heart. I cant break that trust. I refuse to hurt him any more than the world already has.

Jongdae stands off his bike and turns away from me, digging through a small compartment attached to the side of the machine. He digs around a bit before he stands back up and turns back toward me. A smallish black helmet is placed gently on my head and buckled into place. It looks almost as if it's made for a child, which causes me to scoff.

He releases a short chuckle while he shapes the strap into place "i honestly can't believe this fits you. Why is your head so small?"

I sputter at him as he snorts at me and climbs onto his bike. A few seconds pass before he glances back at me with an eyebrow raised.

"You getting on?" He asks, amusement deep in his tone.

I narrow my eyes and throw a leg over the bike, instantly settling my hands on his hips, while angrily muttering about stupid Jongdae and his stupid sexy motorcycle. I missed this.

The last thing i hear before the bike roars to life and we're zipping down the road is Jongdae's melodic, high toned laughter that despite everything puts a smile on my face and a fire in my chest.

......

~Jongdae~

"Jongdae, would you like to share anything? We see you've brought a friend today. Would you like to introduce him?" Jiyong asks, sending me a smirk as i shoot daggers through him. We were a bit late, so there was no time to get to Jiyong and warn him about toning it down a bit.

The moment we walked in and i saw Jiyong's shit eating grin, i knew nothing good would come of it. Jiyong instantly directed Minseok to a chair next to him, across the circle from me. They've been whispering to each other the whole meeting. It's driving me insane.

I stand and take a big breath, locking eyes with a surprised Minseok as i introduce myself, and state my status. I'm sure it's a bit startling to have all of this right here in front of you like this. So apparent and real. Its palpable. There's no denying my fucked up past like this.

"This is Minseok, he's a friend of mine from college. He wanted to come today and see what it's like and to learn more about my addiction." I say, gesturing to Minseok, who just smiles and waves shyly. Cute.

"He's just a friend?" Jiyong pushes.

I clear my throat and Minseok awkwardly shifts. I bite at my lip and Jiyong, that bastard, raises an eyebrow, challenging me.

"To tell the truth, we both want more." That surprises Minseok and he sits up straighter, blinking at me. "A lot of trust has been broken between us and things are a bit complicated with my life along with the addiction. It's harder than most relationships because we have history and trust is hard after it's been severed."

I hear murmurs of agreement and sympathy from the circle, and it makes me feel a bit better about my hesitance. I guess that's what i actually like about coming to these meetings. Everyone has a past and they understand.

"Trust truly is hard, especially when mistakes have been made. It's hard for people like us because sometimes we don't even trust ourselves. Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives and fighting everyday that we forget to enjoy the little things. And sometimes we're scared to enjoy those things because we know what it feels like to loose those things. The little moments, the good things, and the relationships that were destroyed because of our addiction, because of our own failures. Trying and trusting could mean loosing and regretting. It's not easy and it's a battle every day." Sungjae suddenly pipes up, delivering his wise words of reality.

A tired sounding sigh falls from my lips. "It's really hard. It's extremely hard to put myself out there with the possibility that i'll get burned again. It could mean putting some of the most important things on the line if it goes wrong. There's a lot i have to consider, because it's not just me in this. It might not just be me getting hurt." I explain, dropping my eyes to my hands, fiddling in their nervousness.

"But is it worth it?"Jiyong asks me, his normal teasing nature turning serious.

I take a moment to think things through, to really digest that question before answering. It's a heavy question and i want to get it right. "I think it is. I'm scared and i'm full of what ifs, but i think i'm more terrified of possible regret." I look up and meet Minseok's emotional eyes "I don't want to lose him this time. I don't want to regret my choices anymore. I know i don't deserve a second chance, but damn it i want one."

Minseok's lips part and he looks close to throwing himself out of that chair and into my arms, but we stay routed in our places. Jiyong claps his hands making both of us, who were locked in on one another, flinch.

"That was good. That was progress. That's what i like to see in these meetings. It looks like you're finally ready to start forgiving yourself, Dae." Jiyong grins and pats Minseok on the shoulder. "Trust me, friend. This road is a hell of a lot easier with someone beside you."

I nod and sit down. I'm done sharing for today. I've said everything else I've wanted to share, and with the way Minseok is staring at me, his gaze unwavering, i think i achieved exactly what i wanted.

"Anyone else want to say anything?" Jiyong asks, but i tune out whoever begins to speak. It's impossible to concentrate when you have a beautiful, angel of a man staring at you like just placed the stars in the sky.

....

Somehow Minseok and i end up in a nearby park, just walking down the paved trail and enjoying the silence under the gorgeous sunset. Pinks, purples, and oranges swirl across the sky making it look like an photo shopped picture. It's almost too beautiful to be real.

Speaking of too beautiful for reality, Minseok walks next to me. His arm brushes mine. He keeps peeking up at me from time to time, thinking i don't notice, but it's adorable, so i don't say anything. It seems like something shifted in the meeting. Maybe it was my words, or maybe he really just needed to see that I've changed and am working to be my best. Whatever it was, Minseok seems ready to talk. Ready to try.

"I didn't know... about Sungjae." Minseok remarks.

I take a deep breath and remember how much it had surprised me to see him back when i first started going. I almost left, if not for Sungjae catching me on the way out and getting me to open up in a way no one ever had. It's why he does what he does. He's a good listener and he understands the human condition well.

"He's an amazing psychologist, and an even better friend. When he first opened up our support program, he only got a handful of members, now he has multiple sessions a few times a week. He's changed and helped a lot of lives. He kind of saved me." I chuckle lightly, scratching at the back of my neck.

Minseok smiles softly "i always knew he was brilliant. I'm proud of him, especially since he battles through alcoholism too. It was nice to catch up with an old friend. I'm glad i came tonight."

"What changed?" i ask aloud, finally getting brave enough to push this conversation. "Why aren't you running away anymore, i mean?"

Minseok takes in a large breath and puffs his cheeks out momentarily "I think it was the fact that you asked for a second chance."

I pause on the pavement and turn to him. "Why would that change anything? Did i not already prove that i wanted one?"

Minseok nods softly "I know you did, but you saying it out loud made me truly trust that you aren't who you used to be. In college you'd give up on things so quickly. As soon as things got too difficult or someone would stop you, you'd walk away. You gave up because nothing was worth enough to you for a fight. When you asked for a second chance, it proved to me that you were willing to try for me..." Minseok reaches out and clasps his hand in mine. My heart hammers in my chest. "For us.

I swallow thickly and squeeze his hand, trying to push away the disbelief that this is actually happening. Is.. Is Minseok giving me an opening here?

"Something was holding me back and i din't know what it was until you said that you didn't want to lose me, that you wanted a second chance. I realized that i was still holding onto the fear that one day i'll wake up alone again. If it gets too hard or you get lost in your own demons, that you'll run again." Minseok explains.

I step closer to Minseok, shaping his jaw with my hand, forcing him to look deep into my eyes. "I want this, Minseok. I want you. I'm so sorry about everything, and you're right i do have a habit of running when things get too hard, but i'm making you this promise right here and now. I'm in this. I want this. I want you."

Minseok closes his eyes and seems to relish in the moment. I smile fondly at him and let him have it. This man in front of me, this precious man. He's important to me, always has been. It took me years to finally get him and there's not chance i'm running. I've made this promise now to two people in my life and i don't intend to break either of them. I'll do right by Minseok and i'll make sure he never gets hurt ever again.

"So... can we consider this a date?" Minseok asks, opening his eyes.

I chuckle and tilt my head "going to my AA meeting with me would be an odd date."

Minseok scrunches his lips and nose up into a pouty thinking face and i for once don't resist the urge to coo at him. His cheeks pink and he slaps my arm, trying to pull away from me. I drop my arm from his cheek, but then wrap it around his waist and secure him against me.

"Fine, you owe me a date then." Minseok says with a bit of attitude.

I want to pinch myself because i'm getting to see Minseok's playful side and it makes me feel like a giddy teenager again. "Deal. I'll take you on a real date and buy you as many chicken skewers as you want."

Minseok's eyes widen and his lips part in surprise. Dare i say, he looks down right touched. I start to chuckle at his expression, but stop once i feel the press of his lips to my own. It's short, just a peck, but its sends a delicious shiver down my spine.

When he pulls back, he looks just as delirious as i feel. I can feel the heat spreading across my cheeks, and a sudden spark of shyness passes over me, as i duck my gaze and pull away. Minseok giggles at me, and it's his turn to coo at me. This is definitely going to be an interesting relationship.

Minseok turns us forward, and tucks his arm into mine, like a girl would to a guy in an old, romantic movie. It's nice. It feels grown up. Comfortable.

I'm reminded briefly of Jiyong's words when he pulled me aside after the meeting today. He informed me that he loved Minseok and told me not to fuck it up. Usual Jiyong stuff, but then he also told me that i need to let Minseok into the final part of my life. The part i hide out of protection from most people. It'll be another trial for us, and the final decider on if this will work or not. I know Minseok isn't shallow enough to walk away, but it's a big feat if he stays. I wouldn't hold either against him.

The sun starts to slip further down into the horizon, casting shadows and bringing a light chill to the air. Summer is on it's way, but only just. There's still a slight bite to the air. Minseok snuggles closer to me, and i glance down to find his head rested against my shoulder as we continue to walk through the park.

It almost feels perfect with Minseok here next to me. I'm happy like this, and i don't feel like such a fuck up. Maybe I've managed to do a couple things right if this beautiful man is willing to give me a second chance. I turn my head and place a kiss on the top of Minseok's head, causing him to make a squeaking sound and hide his face against my jacket.

I don't even care if i look like an idiot for the bright grin that takes over my face. I'm so lost on this man, and for him i'll gladly play the fool.

>>>>

~Minseok~

Bells echo off the walls of my cafe signaling another customer. It brings a smile to my face, and i find myself humming while my fingers work dough into a braid. Sometimes when i'm in a good mood, when i'm feeling light and relaxed, i'll let myself into the kitchen and take to some of my grandmothers old recipes. It connects me to her memory and to my roots. It grounds me and i feel my heart sore with happiness.

This cafe wasn't just built on coffee. My grandmother was an amazing cook, and especially loved baking. Sweets, pastries, breads. She passed on to me the love of the kitchen, and the talent of creating beauty from scratch. I only come in here when my soul feel balanced, though. I don't want to ruin the memories of my grandmother and her culinary magic with my tattered heart and tired soul. It's been a while since I've been in here, and judging by the looks Chanyeol keeps sending me through the window between the kitchen and front, it might have been too long. He looks like a begging dog at a feast. I think Kyungsoo is mildly offended.

"You look happy today. Did something good happen last night?" Kyungsoo asks, rolling a pin over a lump of dough across from me.

I chuckle and pull out another clump of sticky batter and begin rolling it. "Can i not just be in a good mood, Soo?"

Kyungsoo snorts and looks up at me over his glasses "don't make me call you out on your bullshit, what's up?"

I shrug, braiding the dough "I spent last night with Jongdae. It was really good."

Kyungsoo pauses and looks up at me fully. "What do you mean you spent last night with him?"

Sputtering, i lift my flower covered hands in defense. "I mean we walked around the park and talked. We spent some time together. Gods, your generation is messed up. Can two people just spend time together without hooking up?"

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and slams a chunk of dough down on the table, a tad hard, and shakes his head. "Apparently not."

I'm about to ask what's up with him, when Chanyeol's head suddenly pops in through the serving window and grins at me. It's kind of creepy when he does that.

"Minnie, someone wants to see you." Chanyeol sings, and i blink at him as he disappears back through the small opening.

I shake my head and place my constructions on a pan, then wash my hands real quick. "Is he okay? He's been acting weird for the past week."

Kyungsoo sighs over my shoulder from where i'm standing at the sink, and i have to turn around to see his sad eyes pinned on his rapidly moving hands. "Chanyeol's not okay. Far from it actually. But he's gotten exceptionally good at faking it over the years. It's almost scary."

I mimic Kyungsoo's sigh and dry my hands off, reminding myself to have a nice little talk with Chanyeol after work tonight. That kid can't keep going like this. He's bound to snap sooner or later.

When i enter the front of the cafe, i find it semi empty, as our usual Monday's. I'm actually kind of relived to have a laid back atmosphere right now. Curious as to who wants to see me. I quickly observe the cafe, before my eyes land on the only person who'd be bold enough to call me away from my work.

Jongdae gives me a flirty wink and i playfully roll my eyes at him. He's leaning against the counter, smiling at me easily, and i have to glance away so my cheeks don't flush. It's amazing how after just one night of open communication and understanding, i suddenly feel like a giddy teenager talking to his crush.

"What are you doing here?" i ask, walking closer.

Jongdae smirks, looking over my flour covered apron and smudged face. I must look like a mess, but Jongdae looks at me as if i'm the most beautiful thing in the room, and let me tell you, my cappuccino machine is one of the sexiest things I've ever seen.

"What, can i not just come to see you?" Jongdae draws smoothly.

I lift an eyebrow and bite at my lip to stop from smiling like an idiot, "I guess you can. Usually people don't come to me unless they need something."

Jongdae takes a deep breath and his face pinches into a mixture of sheepishness and hesitance. "Well, actually i do have something to talk to you about."

The sudden serious edge to his voice catches me a bit, but i step closer, about to suggest taking this to my office, when out of the corner of my eye I watch Yeol come out of the back with a bin of dishes balanced in his arms and i send a silent prayer to the universe for a small second. I love that boy, but he's also a mess and a half.

"Should we give him a hand?" Jongdae asks, voicing my concerns.

I shake my head and focus my attention back on Jongdae, noticing that he's looking extra nice today. His normal leather jacket is replaced by a sharp blazer over a blue button up. He's down right dapper and I'm curious if maybe he has something going on later. Maybe that's what he has to talk to me about.

The front door opens, signaling the chimes and announcing a customer. I look up about to greet them, when i take notice of a small child, too cute for words bounding into my shop. She stops and looks around, as if distressed before her eyes lock on to the front counter and takes off in a full run.

My eyes widen in worry, before they widen further in shock as Jongdae turns around, swings the little girl into his arms and the child squeals out a delightfully happy "Daddy."

My heart stops and I swear to gods time moves in slow motion. The last thing i hear before Jongdae turns to me, with a child in his arms who has his eyes and his smile, is the sound of dishes crashing behind me.

Holy Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, i don't really know what to tell you guys after a cliff hanger like that. I know you guys are going to be a little confused or upset that i left it there, but trust in your Author-nim. It'll be a good story, believe me. I'm way too invested in XiuChen at this point not to make their story amazing.
> 
> TaoRis is up next. I'll see you then.
> 
> Kisses,
> 
> 사랑해 


	31. Lock Down (TaoRis)

~Tao~

'Tick, tick, tick.' The sound echoes in the back of my head, mocking me.

Time stretches. Seconds have turned into minutes, and minutes into hours. The clock ticks by tortuously, reminding us of the suffocating silence weighing down on our shoulders. The longer we sit here, the more I feel helpless. 

'Just talk to me' i want to scream. 'Say anything. Yell at me. Tell me you hate me. Just say something.' I want to tell him. Anything than this silence. I can't take this anymore, but i don't feel like being the one to say something first will help this.

A sigh finds my lips for the millionth time, and i glance towards the window. It's getting later in the day. We've been here since early morning. I've watched the shadows from the sun move from one to the other side of the floor. Still nothing. Kris holds in his stubborn silence, and here we are, still locked in our room, not a word has been said.

This morning I was awoken to Sehun dragging me, literally dragging me, blanket and all, out of bed and down the hallway. He threw me into Kris's bedroom and slammed the door. Sehun then   
demanded that we get our shit together. He said we are dividing the house, and that we need to fix this. They took our phones, our laptops, and have locked us in our room. Held hostage with our hearts binding us. Sehun stands guard outside, (He sat down against the door a while ago, and it makes me feel regretful towards him.) so there's no running from this.

There's nothing to distract us from the matter at hand. All that's left to do is talk, but silence is all I've gotten since Kris bolted out of bed at the sound of me clattering onto the floor when i was pushed in here this morning.

Kris doesn't seem to want to talk to me. He won't even look at me... This was a brilliant plan.

There's a wall between us. I haven't seen a wall since the first time Kris and i was forced to stay in the same room together. We fought the entire time we were doing that project. Gods, i hated him back then. I thought he was just a pretentious asshole, who wanted nothing more than to make my life difficult. I wasn't wrong, but i wasn't right either. There was so many layers to Kris that i didn't know... that i still don't know. I thought that since he let me past one wall i was in, but it turns out that Kris has a labyrinth of walls blocking people out. I wonder if i'll ever get to know all of him.

I hear muffled voices outside the door, followed by a drawn out sigh. Yixing.

"I'm taking Sehun to get some food. He hasn't eaten all day. This is getting ridiculous, guys. Just fucking talk to each other." Yixing calls from the other side of the heavy wooden barrier.

Silence follows their leave, and it's almost funny at how fitting that is. More silence...at least until...

"Did you sleep with him while we were together?" Kris's voice comes out like a brick scraping across pavement. It almost hurts at how harsh it is.

My eye twitches at how enraging the idea that he could even think such a thing. "I didn't fucking cheat on you, Kris. It was before we got together."

Kris's lip curls and he takes a large breath. "How long before?"

The disbelieving breath that leaves me, makes his arm twitch. "The night before."

He freezes, his eyes shifting like he's trying to figure out some large math equation. "After i told you i loved you for the first time, you immediately went and hopped into bed with Baekhyun?" My mouth drops open, and i huff another pissed laugh out, before Kris continues to further shove his own head up his ass. "All this time... i thought i was your first. I thought i was your only... but now i find out it's... it's fucking Baekhyun." Kris says, still not looking at me. "I thought i was that important person for you. The person you lost you virginity to. I know you probably think it's a stupid thing to focus on, but to me i loved that you were mine and only mine. That no one else had touched you, had seen and felt you the way i had. But now i know that as soon as i revealed the truth to you, came out to you, and told you i loved you... you fucked Baekhyun that very night?"

"Like you went and fucked Kyungsoo, yes." i answer, catching Kris off guard enough to freeze with wide, panicked eyes.

I don't for a second miss the slight shake of his hand, or the tremor in his voice. "What?"

"Kris, don't even insult me enough to think that i don't know about Kyungsoo. That night after you told me the truth, after you told me you loved me, but said you needed the night to calm yourself and figure some things out, then you left.... after dropping a bomb like that, you just fucking bailed. I knew exactly where you were going. I knew you'd spend your final night with him, that you'd still go and fuck him even after telling me that you loved me... The idea of you and him together, hurt me. It hurt like hell because i knew there were feelings between you two. I knew you loved him too." I glance up, blinking through a bit of the glassiness. Baekhyun had been the only other person I told this to. Up until now, he's the only person who knew the whole truth.

I take a stuttering breath and pick at my nails anxiously. "I called Baekhyun. I didn't want to be alone. He brought alcohol he stole from his older brother, and we got drunk. We were both upset and lonely, so naturally we sought comfort in each other." I sit back and cross my arms. "I won't apologize for sleeping with Baekhyun, Kris. It was a stupid night where we made choices we shouldn't have, but i don't regret it. I'm honestly glad you aren't the only person I've slept with. It made me appreciate how well you know my body, how well we fit together. With Baek, it was awkward and we just didn't mesh well. When it was over, we just kind of laughed it off and agreed to put it behind us."

Kris locks his jaw, his lips pressing together in distaste. He still seems a bit shell shocked. I wonder how long he thought he was protecting such a secret. I wonder how much stress the possibility of me finding out about his ex lover, caused him. A part of me feels he deserves it, but another part of me thinks that this is exactly our problem. We don't talk to each other. We don't communicate and in that we're losing track of who we are in this relationship.

"I don't want to hear about it." Kris says, his face scrunching up like the very idea of someone else touching me makes him sick.

I shake my head, and scoot my chair forward a few steps. "No, none of this. It needs to stop here, Kris. I thought the fact that you were incredibly jealous over me or the fact that you always felt the need to be exceptionally possessive was a good thing, but i don't anymore. It's not good for us. It's not good for our relationship. That stupid high school shit where you don't trust me enough not to fall into the arms of anyone who calls me pretty. I'm here, Kris. I'm right here. You've pulled some crazy shit in the past and i'm still here. I get daily offers from other people who want me, but i'm still here. You were in love with someone else and I knew there'd always be a part of you that belonged to him, but I'm still here. Baekhyun was a minor misjudgment. I did it. I slept with someone else, and guess fucking what, Kris? I'm still right here. I want you. I've chosen you a thousand times and i'll choose you a thousand more... why can't you trust me?"

"I don't... i just... trust is so fucking hard, Tao. It's like i believe you. I know you would never hurt me. I know you'd never cheat on me... but the second i thought i was losing you or the second i thought you might toss me away for someone else... i just..." Kris grabs at his hair in a frustrated gesture, the first sign of a crack.

"You're not him, Kris. You're not your dad. He pushed everyone away because he was ignorant and selfish. He's too insecure to admit his faults and believes money can buy love, loyalty, and respect. You're nothing like him." I explain, realizing the truth the was so fucking obvious.

Kris fears of becoming the one man who pushed kris's real self under the carpet for years. Kris's father spent years trying to force his son to become a mini version of himself. Grooming him to become a grade A asshole. Kris watched his father belittle, undermine, back-stab, and buy his way through life for years. It messed Kris up pretty bad, and his greatest fear in life is actually becoming that man.

I know Kris, though. Kris is kind and generous. He'd never let a friend go without and is always the first to offer comfort. He's the type of person who will always be on your side, and make sure that you know you're loved. Kris is a good person, and he's nothing like that man. I wish he could see that.

"You should leave me before i start seeing you as my possession. Throwing money at you just to shut you up. Laughing as you get upset over interns with short, tight skirts walking around my office." Kris laughs with a haunted tone. "That's the image i just couldn't get out of my head when i saw you with Jonghyun. I saw her, my mother, constantly moving from one fling to another, just to satisfy the lack of love and attention she received from my father. I saw myself forcing you to drown yourself in some warm body because i wasn't giving you enough... i wasn't loving you enough... i-"

"Kris, stop. You are not your father and i am not your mother. You're so much better than that. I know you have some things to work out, but you're nothing like him. There's so many things that make you different. So many things that make me love you. You're not your father."

Kris drops his eyes for a moment, the small crack in the wall widening. "There's a million reasons you shouldn't love me. There's a million reasons for you to walk away."

Kris's parent's relationship was just one giant clusterfuck of emotional damage and petty selfishness. With Kris's father of course being the piece of work he is, but also his mother, who wasn't without fault either. She set a terrible example for him on how to deal with pain and loneliness. Kris's mother was either too numb from medication to care, or so wrapped up in her constant line of affairs that's she neglected the whole 'mother' thing.

It made sense to me why Kris choose to move out as soon as he turned of age. When i moved out of my aunt and uncles house and in with Kris my junior year, it was almost as if he did a complete 180. The Kris i had gotten to know and fall in love with was nothing compared to the man he became once he was free of his toxic parents. Then, when Sehun moved in with us during our senior year, while Kris was a freshman in college... it was perfect. We were like a family. The family i know Kris had craved his whole life.

Our family only grew once we all entered the fraternity and I know he was so happy, but there was always this fear. There was always this doubt that he'd lose everything he loves, everything he's worked for. He watched the only relationship model he knew destroy itself slowly and maliciously for years. Of course he'd be terrified that we'd turn into them.

"And all i need is one to stay." I say, my chair inching forward another foot.

Kris lifts his eyes, "What reason could you possibly have for staying with me?"

I scoff in disbelief and shake my head. "Because i fucking love you, moron. I choose you because you make me happy. Because you get me better than most people do. You're brave enough to kill all of the spiders for me. You are willing to stand outside the shower and keep guard after i watch a scary movie, because everyone knows showers are the most vulnerable place to be against murders and ghosts. You know when to treat me delicately, but also have respect for me as a man who can take care of himself. You know what and how i like all of my food. You bravely answer and field all of the calls from my mom, so i don't have to listen to her nag for two hours. You are one of my best friends, and i fucking love you because you're you. How could that not be good enough?" i ask, finally resting my chair right in front of him, close enough to reach out and take his hand.

Kris stares into my eyes, his own soft and vulnerable. He's never really been real with me. Our relationship was built in a place in our lives where deeper connections aren't required to fall in love. Simple attraction is all that's needed, but that's not good enough anymore. Kris and i are adults now. We have depth, we have wants and dreams. We have evolved emotions and complex personalities. We've changed since high school, but our relationship hasn't.

"We need to reconnect with one another. There's a whole side of you that i don't know. There's things about each other that have changed and adjusted." i say, and Kris squeezes my hand. That's what i should have done from the start. I should have just told him how i felt and everything wouldn't have gotten so damn complicated.

"There's something that hasn't changed." Kris says and i lean my head towards his. Our foreheads touch and he smiles gently at me "I still love you, Tao."

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and relishing in his words. "I love you too, Kris. So much."

"Do you still want this? Do you still want us?" Kris asks me, not accusing, just asking. Open communication without judgment or offense. This is good. This is what i want. This is what we need.

"Yes, i want us, i want you. I don't want to let go of what we have. I want to keep trying." i say.

Kris smiles and nods. "Me too. So, where should we start? How do we fix us?"

I mirror his smile and bring his hand to my lips. "How about we just talk. Openly and honestly. Let starts clearing out everything in our heads. No getting angry. Forgiving each other. To move forward we have to put everything behind us and to do that, we have to let go of everything."

Kris nods and takes a deep breath "it won't be easy, but for you, i'll do anything... Okay, Let's talk."

>>>>

~Kris~

I release a groan, as i stretch my arms above my head. The popping and clicking noises are mildly concerning, but i guess it's just a side effect of sliding into my late twenties. Also, staying up late into the night, allowing the deepest parts of yourself to be seen by the man you love, will make anyone a bit stiff.

I take in a deep breath of cool, morning air when i open the door to the backyard and step out onto the patio. A small kiss of light floods the sky from the sun beginning to rise. It's still too dark to see a lot, but i can make out the distinctive outline of the one person i actually would love to talk to right now.

My footsteps are light, but i see his head tilt slightly in my direction as i near. He's always been the observant type. It's why he's so good at what he does. Not much gets by him.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Jongdae asks, the slight wise, beyond his years, tone deep in his voice. For all of the time Jongdae and i have known each other, he's just always had this aura to him. It's a feeling of someone who's lived through things that ages your soul, that changes you to see the world for what it is, but also to see just how beautiful it can be.

I shake my head and sit down next to Jongdae on the edge of the patio. "I decided to come get some air. I just put Tao to bed, but i feel a bit restless."

He nods absentmindedly, but says nothing further. Jongdae is an anomaly like this. Sometimes he can't shut up to save his life. He's such a tease and a goofball, but there are these rare moments where he's quiet and speculative. Where he just listens without judgment or interruption. I'm thankful for these moments, because Jongdae's really helped me out a few times like this.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" i retort, throwing it back at him.

Jongdae chuckles and lifts a cup to his lips, taking a deep drink. I don't think I've seen him drink regular home brewed coffee in a long time. It's almost surprising. Jongdae peeks over at me, noticing my surprise and winces sheepishly. "Don't tell Minseok." he mumbles, forcing a short chuckle out of me.

"I couldn't sleep. I know it's supposed to be relieving to talk about how you feel. To finally tell someone about the things you've been harboring inside of you, but honestly... i just feel kind of raw. Like i just woke up from a terrible night of drinking and now i'm dealing with the aftereffects." I explain.

Jongdae huffs a small, sad sounding laugh and nods. "To people like us, who are so used to holding things in and sorting things out in our heads on our own... Talking about it out loud isn't as relieving as everyone seems to think. Talking is good. It helps people understand how you feel and it allows for communication, but to us... it just feels stripping. So many emotions are produced and hormones released. When we say the truth and allow those chemicals to actually effect us, it takes a lot out of us. It beats you up a bit."

"Is that why you always disappear the day after your meetings?" i ask lightly, hoping i haven't said too much.

"It's always rough to remember those days. To talk openly about the shit i spent so long bottling up, is hard." Jongdae explains.

Jongdae told us a while ago about his addiction. Actually, it was a moment of bravery which i look back on with admiration. It took a lot for Jongdae to sit us all down and tell us the truth, but he wanted to be honest and open with us. We don't keep a drop of alcohol in this house because of him.

...We really fucked up.

"Chen, i'm really sorry. We shouldn't have had that party. I thought it was a good idea at the time, but that was just me running from my problems. I fucked up, and i'm sorry." i apologize. I've been carrying a fair amount of guilt for last weekend. I shouldn't have done it, and now looking back it was a really bad idea. Our house was a powder keg waiting to blow. That party was our spark. I'm still picking up the pieces.

"Kris, man, it's okay. I'm not mad. I wasn't even mad when i came home. I knew you dumbasses would pull something like that. But i have to be the adult here. That's literally my job, is to look after you idiots and make sure you don't fuck up too bad. I'm just glad no one got hurt... well, at least too bad. How is Jongin and Sehun, by the way?"

I roll my eyes and release a sighed chuckle "They're fine. The second Sehun came home they worked it out. The were both crying and apologizing and it was really sweet. They apparently passed out on the couch last night while watching a movie. They were fast asleep, cuddling on the couch when i passed them in the living room to come out here."

Jongdae snorts and i take notice that it's getting lighter outside when i can see his face taking on a fond crinkle. "Don't hold it against Jongin, Kris. I know he went way too far and he stepped over a line he shouldn't have, but that kid didn't mean it. I don't know why he does those things, but it's almost like he can't stop himself, like he doesn't have control over himself. Jongin's just a lost kid."

I nod and take a deep breath. Sehun already had a conversation similar to this one with me. He pulled me aside and asked me not to be too hard on Jongin. Sehun asked me to overlook what his best friend said for him. For Sehun i'd do anything, so i let it go. Honestly, i'm not mad, at least not anymore. I'm more so worried for the kid. His eyes that night, i saw it... it's almost like he wasn't himself. Like it wasn't really Jongin. It was kind of scary.

"I've already forgiven him, and i promise it won't cause any rift between the house, but Chen..." i pause, unsure on how to present this.

"Yeah?" Jongdae encourages.

I bite at my lip and cast my eyes to the ground. It's hard excepting the truth and deciding that something needs to be done. It's hard to make that step, unsure of how things are going to go or what you could possibly be bringing out, but it's harder watching someone you care about go through something like this. It's hard standing on the sideline watching them hurt and destroy themselves.

"I want Jongin to get some help. He needs to talk to someone. He needs to work through a lot of shit, and i don't think it'll be good coming from me. Jongin and my relationship is a bit rocky right now, and you're kind of our keeper, so i think it'll be better coming from you." I feel a hand on my shoulder causing me too look up and realize just how blurry my vision has become.

Jongdae nods, and squeezes my shoulder again. "I'm worried about Jongin too. I'll talk to him."

It takes less than a minute to ask if someone is okay. It takes less than an hour to hear them out. It takes less than a day to figure out how to help them. Mental health care is more than just being worried. Reaching out, making sure the people we love are safe and okay, can do more than anyone realizes. When Tao told me about what Sehun tried to do back in high school, i felt devastated. I felt angry and hurt, but most of all scared. Sehun lived with Tao and me the last year of high school, and I spent weeks on full alert watching him. I realized little things that i never did before. People can hide a lot when you're not paying attention.

At the end of that week, i made a promise to myself that i'd never ignore signs again. If i felt that someone isn't doing okay, or that they need help, i'd do something about it. Not all mental issues lead to self harm or worse, but it doesn't mean it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean they don't need help either. All it takes is a few seconds to check in with someone, even if all they need is to be noticed for once.

"Are you and Tao planning on having kids?" Jongdae suddenly asks.

I blink at the other, taken by surprise. "I don't know. Honestly, i'm not even sure what Tao and i plan on doing past graduation. There's a lot we haven't exactly worked out between us. Tao's right, we've been handling our relationship like children. No plans. No communication. No growth... Why do you ask?"

Jongdae seems to think for a second, like he just had a realization that he didn't before, but seems to shake it off. "I just think that you'll be a good dad when the time comes."

A snort leaves me and i shake my head "What gives you that impression. I can barely keep together my relationship, what makes you think i could handle tiny little demons of terror and mischief?... no offense."

Jongdae chuckles. "Seriously, none taken. But honestly, Kris. Come on. These boys... the way you take care of them? You love them like a dad. Even if wrong is done, you love all of those boys like family. That's what i love so much about you idiots, That's why i was so drawn back to this house even after my memories of this place, it is because you love each other and won't ever let anyone go through something alone. The good. The bad. You're always there and you don't see support and care like that these days. Kris, you being the one to guide and support them, like a father, is what makes it the most special. Those boys look up to you and they really do love you. You'll make a great dad, because you already do."

I sit back and let the words of praise seep into my bones. I never got any type of encouragement or praise from my dad. I never got anything other than yelling about what i was doing wrong, or how i was too much like my mother. My father was never hands on enough to see anything going on in my life other than what he saw on the surface. My dad was never truly in my life and never approved of anything i did.

When Jongdae first showed up in my life, he was a bit of a mess. I could tell how much he was struggling to hold himself together, but i could tell he was doing his best. It wasn't until the first night i had a huge defeat in a class, getting a low grade on a paper that i realized how much Jongdae could teach me, how much he could guide me. Jongdae not only sat with me for an hour that night, in this very spot actually, but he gave me advice and encouragement that i never experienced before. He gave me nonjudgmental, and uncircumstantial love, and i didn't understand how much i needed that till that very moment.

Jongdae became a constant in my life then, and i started looking towards him like a father, because it was so easy to do so. He always supported me and cared for me, even in my stupid decisions. Jongdae has become the dad i always needed and i don't really think he understands how much i need him, how much we all need him.

"You're a great dad too, Chen. Not just to the cutest little girl in existence, but to all of us. I think we needed you." I say, nudging his thigh with mine.

The emotional smile that tugs at Jongdae's lips mirrors my own, and Jongdae slings his arm over my shoulder, pulling me close. "i think i needed you guys too."

....

A calmness sweeps through the house as i come back inside. I decided to leave Jongdae to his thoughts. Whatever dilemma is keeping him awake is clearly best left for him to sort out. Plus it leaves me time of silent reflection. It reminds me of the times i used to wake up at the first break of dawn, when just a dusting of light touches the horizon, placing a light glow to every room i walked through. It was always so quiet, so peaceful, like a whole different world than the one i was living.

The only part of my childhood home i miss, is how the large house filled with light in the early morning. The pristine, immaculately decorated rooms just hummed with a magical aura. I felt balanced, grounded in those silences. I felt whole, when every other moment i felt hallow.

That was back then, though. That was when i still allowed my father to control my future, to control everything. That was before Tao. He made me realize some things. He forced me to see myself and who i was becoming. He saved me from myself and freed me. I owe Tao everything. I could never give up on him. If he wants me, i'll be right next to him through anything. I'll prove that i'm nothing like my father and fight for the people that matter the most to me.

Sehun sleeps before me when i reach the living room, the TV illuminating the cutest image I've ever seen. He's curled up on the couch with Jongin wrapped around him like a human cobweb. The two boys are stripped down to boxers and t-shirts, and look like two incredibly lanky toddlers, snuggled up to one another. Sehun has his head smashed into Jongin's chest and it momentarily reminds me of how he used to sleep, pressed into the side of Tao's neck. More often than not, i'd wake up to find Sehun in our bed when he lived with us. Hell, i still do, though i haven't felt the kid coiled into my side or nudged in between Tao and me in a while.

That's our fault, i guess. We managed to turn into the two people we swore we never would; Sehun's parents. We promised when we took Sehun in that we'd never resort to petty arguments or resentful despondency. That promise was broken, and gods how much i regret that. I wonder how much hell we've put Sehun through in these wast weeks?

'No more thinking about who did what. About who hurt who. Let's move past this and put the pieces back in their proper places.' Tao had told me this earlier. When i was beating myself up nice and thoroughly. He told me that the only way to make up for the past is to fix the present. The only way to move forward is to take one step after another. No use in dwelling on the 'should haves' and the 'what ifs'. He's right. He's always right.

I pull the blanket up off the floor that had clearly slipped off the two puppies at some point in the night. Slowly and carefully, i tuck the blanket around both of them, and make sure all of their parts are covered. When did Sehun get this damn tall?

A smile touches my lips as my hand slides over Sehun's hair. I really do love this kid. I guess i had taken over a fatherly role to him without even realizing it. We always joke about the whole "mom and dad" thing, but Jongdae kind of put it into perspective for me. Sehun nudged his way into a part of my heart i wasn't even aware existed, let alone ready to open.

My eyes shift to Jongin. So young, so delicate... so much like Sehun. I reach for Jongin's hair, feeling its rough texture from years of dying it. I'll have to tell Tao to make sure he helps the boy next time. We don't want it falling out.

I don't really know how I've never allowed myself to open my arms to Jongin the same way i had Sehun. Well.... maybe i do. Maybe, just maybe i saw the look in Kyungsoo's eyes the first time he saw Jongin walk into this house. Maybe, just maybe i realized that in that moment i lost Kyungsoo forever.

"Kris?"

My name almost comes out like a hiss at how grainy Jongin's voice sounds. He did spend most of the day equally crying and laughing with Sehun, so it's not exactly surprising.

When i look down into Jongin's eyes, that dark purple bruise around his left, greets me. I wince and subconsciously hover my fingers over it. I wish i could make it better, could make the shit of a night that was, disappear.

Tao's voice echoes in my head and i take a deep breath, while Jongin stares up at me with wide, cautious eyes. There's an almost childlike vulnerability swirling in those hot chocolate irises, and it makes me want to pull him into my arms, keeping all of the scary monsters at bay.

"You can hit me." Jongin says, pulling away from Sehun. "But let me get up. I don't want you hurting Hunnie."

I place my hand on his shoulder, stilling him as my chest clinches "I don't want to hit you, Jongin."

Jongin blinks at me and i swear if he had a tail, it would be tucked between his legs. "Do you want to just yell at me then?"

I shake my head and slowly drop down to my knees, kneeling in front of the couch. Jongin shifts so he's laying on his back and can properly stare at me. "I don't want to hurt you at all, Jongin. I want to apologize actually."

"Apologize? No, Kris. I should be the one saying sorry. I said some messed up things. It's all my fault. I shouldn-" I stop him with a hand to his lips.

"Don't. Blaming yourself won't undo what happened. It won't fix things. The only thing it'll do is unnecessarily hurt you." I say, absentmindedly pulling at the blanket, tugging it back into place after it had fallen in Jongin's readjustment.

"But, Kr-" Jongin mumbles behind my hand, but i stop him with a hard look.

"Don't apologize. We're both at fault. We were both stupidly fighting over the same person, when clearly you've already won." At that, Jongin is quiet, and i can see the storm of emotions in his eyes. He knows who i'm talking about. "He really cares about you, Jongin. Kyungsoo isn't the type to jump on a whim, so if he's putting his attention on you, then he's kind of all in."

Jongin swallows hard and drops his gaze. "He's better off without me. You saw what happened. All i cause it trouble."

I sigh and reach out, grabbing Jongin's hand. "I used to think the same thing. I used to think that i was nothing more than a destroyer of things, but even worse, i just saw the people i hurt as collateral damage. I didn't care about what i left shattered in my wake... until i met someone i never wanted to ever feel pain. Someone i wanted to protect with every bit of my being. You're capable of being a truly exceptional person, Jongin. The biggest thing holding you back isn't your reputation, or even Kai... it's you. Don't let anyone else control how you live your life. Don't let your heart be the price you pay to the gods of fear."

Jongin's eyebrows knit momentarily and he meets my eyes once again. "Why would you give me advice? Why would you tell me to give him a chance?"

A sigh falls from my lips and squeeze his hand. "I love Kyungsoo. I'll always love Kyungsoo. He's truly one of the few people in this world who loved me even at my worst. He stayed by my side, even when i treated him like absolute shit at times. I want the best for him, and someone who defends his honor up against someone who's nearly twice his size, comes pretty close."

Jongin bites at his lip and i see an almost resolve pull at the corners of his eyes. "I wouldn't say twice my size."

I chuckle at his cuteness and ruffle his hair a bit. Jongin's lips tick up at the corners at i take that as a small victory.

"Still, i'm sorry about what happened, Kris. I've never hated you. Actually, I've always kind of looked up to you, and i really don't want any bad blood between us." Jongin squeezes my hand, subconsciously tapping a finger against my palm. "Is there any way that we could just start fresh?"

A small bubble of light fills my chest and i feel like laughing, but also crying. "Consider it done, kid. Just... take care of Soo. He's tough, but he's not unbreakable."

Jongin's eyes crinkle in distaste, like he'd rather take a bullet than hurt Kyungsoo in any way. I hope that's true. "Thanks, Kris."

I smile and let my eyes slide over to Sehun. "You know, Sehun's kind of become like my son. I care for him in a way that a father would. If he needs support, advice, or just a friend, I've always been there. If you want, you can see me that way too, Jongin. If you need me, for anything, i'm here."

It happens so fast, it takes me by surprise. One second i'm watching Jongin's eyes well up with tears, and then the next i have my arms full. Once i gain my bearings, i wrap my arms around Jongin and press him closer to me.

Jongdae always has a way of being right. I never had a proper family growing up. So i built one. I never had a proper father. So i became one.

Jongin pulls back and wipes at his eyes. I chuckle and pat his cheek at bit. I catch the sight of Sehun smirking at me sleepily from where he laid back on the couch, and i reach out for his hand which he takes and gives at small squeeze.

I stand and motion for both of them to lay back down. They cuddle back up together like two baby kittens, and i tuck the blanket back up around them once more. As much as i'd love to stay here and continue to give my two boys love and attention, i have a beautiful man upstairs who needs it a bit more.

I give them both a nod and turn, walking to the stairs, calling a quick "take care of them, Jongin. Both of them."

>>>>

~Tao~

My eyes slowly shift across the yard, watching the world come alive and soaking color into its bones. The sun is rising, bathing the world in golden rays. It's almost symbolic how this is the first day in a week that clouds haven't hung in the sky, dark and angry. It feels like a new day... A fresh start.

"What are you doing up?" Kris's soft voice asks behind me. "I thought i put you to bed?"

I sigh and close my eyes as i lean back into the supporting weight that pulls me close from behind. Kris kisses my bare shoulder, and i breathe in the familiarity of it, the comfort. It feels like forever ago that Kris became my home, my happy place. I thought for the longest time that feeling comfortable was a bad thing, that feeling this content satisfying regard meant that we were losing touch, and i don't know, maybe we were a bit, but i think we were also growing up.

Kris and i are about to graduate college. We are going to move on with our lives, and so much change is about to happen. I got so comfortable in the idea that this is all there is and there won't be more after this, that i took what i had for granted. I didn't appreciate that i could come home from a hard day off classes, sink into Kris's arms and feel at home. Feel at peace.

My mind and heart was growing up, but i rebelled against it. I fought the change. I fought the progression. I was scared of losing the one constant in my life, that i picked it apart until i regressed the people we had become. Our relationship was stagnant, but it wasn't bad. A little trying and communication would have fixed our issue, but i needlessly broke us. I destroyed the good and brought back the bad. I have no one else to blame for how complicated things got, other than myself.

So, it's time to put my big boy pants on and put the pieces back in their proper place. For Kris, the man who has become so much of my rock, so much of my biggest supporter, i'd do anything.

I turn around in his hold, the blanket that was wrapped around my body, slips down a few inches. I watch with amusement as Kris's eyes follow the fabric's movement.

Emotions filter though me as i realize that this is what i wanted. The way Kris is looking at me right now, with a mixture of so much love and want. This is what i was trying to get from the beginning. It didn't take stupid plans, jealously, doubt, or high school tricks. It didn't take breaking trust or hurting pride. All it takes is a conversation. Honesty and open mindedness. Being able to compromise and listen. I've been so stupid.

"I woke up and you weren't next to me." I say, being truthful for once. So many times i'd hide how i feel or my reasoning for things for the sake of not wanting to be a burden or coming across as needy. But hiding what you desire in a relationship is hiding a piece of yourself. It's toxic. It's what nearly ruined us.

Kris seems to light up at that and he leans in to run his nose against mine. He wants to feel wanted as much as i do. Stupid, stupid Tao. "I had to get some air, Love. Sorry for leaving you."

I shake my head and smile gently, reaching up to run my fingertips down his jaw. "I saw you outside with Chen. It's okay. Did you two have a good talk?"

He turns his head and presses a kiss to the palm of my hand. "We did. I always enjoy our conversations... speaking of... i also talked to Jongin."

I pause for a second, remembering the last time those two spoke together didn't exactly go well. "What did you guys talk about?"

"Well, for one, I think we've adopted another child." I snort at that. I've already seen Jongin similar to how i see Sehun. It's hard not to when they're basically joined at the hip. "But, most of all jongin and I came to an understanding. We apologized and left it at a fresh start. I think that's what all of us need, is to put the past behind us and move forward. A united front, stronger than ever." Kris explains, his hands slowly sliding down my hips. "I admit, i was a bit protective over Kyungsoo, but i probably was also being a bit possessive too..." Kris pauses and uncertainty flashes through this beautiful dark eyes. "is this okay? Talking about Kyungsoo, i mean?"

My heart squeezes at his consideration and i feel so much fondness for Kris in this moment. It seems that being open and truthful is coming a bit more natural with one another now. After taking for hours and laying so much out for the other to see, i was worried that once we stopped, Kris would roll back into himself and lock away under increased security. I can't particularly say that I'm crazy for talking about Kyungsoo, but I'm happy Kris wants to talk to me about him, wants to share a piece of his heart that he'd locked away for so long in a box, marked with a bolded "K".

"Yes, please don't worry about making me uncomfortable. Kyungsoo is important to you too, even if I'm a little jealous, i trust you and know where your heart really belongs." I say, feeling Kris's strong hands on my hips, pressing against me through the thin fabric of the blanket, while his thumbs circle distractedly over my inguinal creases.

Of course. Only you, Tao. You have captured my heart and i never want it back." He hums, leaning in and placing a short, but lingering kiss to my lips. It's as if he's testing it out. Dipping his foot into the pool to see if it's okay to dive in.

A sort of nervousness builds in my belly and i have to close my eyes momentarily to bring back a steady coherency. "Anyways, about Kyungsoo?"

Kris smirks a bit, knowing fully what he's doing to me, and places a butterfly kiss on the top of my cheekbone, then another on my temple. He trails kisses until he reaches the point between my jaw and my neck. My breath shallows.

"I was saying that I'm not sure that i fully let Kyungsoo go. Don't get me wrong, I'm over him and I'm fully devoted to you, but after Kyungsoo and i ended whatever we were, he didn't move on. He never went out with anyone or dated around, hell I don't even know if he's hooked up wi-... what I'm saying is, i guess i somehow worked up this sort of possession that Kyungsoo was still mine. I liked that he wasn't with anyone else... that he didn't move on. It was selfish and deranged of me." Kris pulls back from my neck and locks eyes with me, searching, appraising. "It wasn't fair to either of you. I'm sorry."

I shake my head and let my hands find his own hips, pulling him towards me. "Kris, It's okay. I kind of knew that you still held on to Kyungsoo. I could just tell, especially when Jongin took an interest. You started hovering and paying extra attention to them. I guess it was a matter of time before you two butted heads."

Kris nods lightly and runs his tongue over his lips. "It's none of my business anymore. I want Kyungsoo to be happy and if Jongin does that for him, then i'll support it. It's time for me to completly let go... to move on." 

A smile find it's way to my lips and one of my hands wraps around the back of Kris's neck, pulling him across the short distance left between our bodies, and crashing my lips into his. It's like coming home. Kris's lips have that sort of soft firmness that drives me crazy. A sort of gentleness, with just the right amount of roughness behind them, that mimics his personality. I love his kiss, how it devours me and powers me at the same time.

Kris tilts his head, allowing his mouth to slot against mine better, deepening and intensifying. A low moan bubbles up from my throat and as soon as it breaks the surface, filtering into the silence of the early morning, i'm picked up and hauled onto Kris's desk. His lips never leaving mine for a second. Kris crowds into my personal space, slotting between my thighs, and pressing his body against mine with his hands cupping my ass. One little slow grind has me keening against his lips. Kris has managed to undo me without really doing anything, just as he always has.

"Kris, i love you." I say breathlessly.

Kris's nose slides across mine, his lips tickling air across my own. "Say it again."

A smile blooms across my face, and i grab his cheeks in my hands "i love you so much, Kris."

The answering beam i get, makes every last bit of ache fade from the surface of my soul. He really is too beautiful for his own good.

I feel his hands searching, feeling their way across my hips. Kris gives a victorious hum when his fingers connect with my hard cock through the light fabric of the blanket still miraculously wrapped around me.

I keen and my hips rise automatically off the desk, seeking the familiar warmth and friction of his hand. Kris wraps his hand around me, stroking me lightly through the material. It's deliciously maddening. I groan in frustration, but my hips still lift to press against his hand with each pass.

"Baby, please." I gasp, and that has his eyes flashing in one second and him dropping to his knees in another.

I gasp again in shock at how quickly it happened, but have absolutely no protest when he tears the blanket off my body, exposing my naked form to the dusty light of dawn.

"So beautiful." Kris says after a few beats of silence. He leans further in, his large hands finding purchase on my thighs. They slide up slow, feeling every inch of my smooth, tanned skin. Years of yoga really pay off in these moments.

Kris bends forward and places a kiss to the inside of my knee, serving as a catalyst for a full body shutter from me. Having Kris on his knees, his lips presses against my thighs, like he's a priest worshiping at his alter.

He leaves marks, but we both know i love them too. Possessive marks have always been a thing for me, even if the implication is a bit skewed.

Once Kris is done littering my thighs with kisses and bites, painting them in dark angry splotches, he slots himself between my legs. Kris reaches up, pulling my ass halfway off the desk, and motions for me to throw my legs over his shoulders.

I nearly cum right then and there. I freeze, staring blankly at my boyfriend for a few seconds. Kris rarely blows me, let alone so eagerly. I usually never push it, because i know it isn't his favorite thing, but this... this is new, and I'm not arguing.

Just as my legs are settled into place, and i lean back onto my palms, pressed firmly behind me for support, a hand finds my dick and begins to pump me lazily. I moan in short surprise and throw my head back momentarily. Fuck, just the slightest of touches from Kris, sets my blood on fire.

A pause in movement has my head lowering and my eyes assessing why such a perfect feeling was interrupted. Kris locks eyes with me, his own, blown wide like steaming hot-springs of intensity and holds my gaze, before slowly sliding his gorgeous lips down my shaft. I groan and lace my fingers into his hair. His muffled moan makes me pulse against Kris's tongue.

I arch my back, keeping my ass planted firmly against the desk, refusing to move even an inch. One of the reasons Kris hates giving head is because this man has a killer gag reflex, and I'd hate to ruin this for both of us.

Kris's free hand explores my body, following the curve of my back, and to the top of my ass, torching my skin as he goes. It's almost too much sensation with how sensually he touches me.

His mouth works my shaft, pressing his tongue to the slit, sliding it around the crown when he comes up for air and a break. It can be taxing when you're not used to it.

"Take your time, baby." I pant at him, pressing my hand to his chest and sliding it up to his clavicle.

Kris narrows his eyes and i know I'm fucked. I just made it a challenge for him.

My cock is swallowed down so fast, i don't even have time to blink, let alone properly collect myself. I scramble to grab onto something, and find the edge of the wooden surface under me, gripping it so hard my knuckles turn white.

The noises obscenely bounces off the walls and further my arousal. Kris sucks me hard, his lips air tight and fucking me so good.

"Kris." I moan out, feeling his tongue press against the underside of my hardness with each pass. I might pass out from all of the stimulation my man is delivering me.

Kris lets his teeth lightly scrape over my shaft and it has me jolting with a hiss, and surging forward, shoving my hand through his dusty blonde locks.

His gaze once again finds mine while my fingers grip so hard at Kris's hair that if i didn't know any better, I'd be worried about hurting him. He pulls back, observing, watching, like a hungry lion stalking prey, while his hand pumps me to keep the edge just lurking under the surface.

"Kris, please." I whine, begging him to let me cum.

Of course, my love is all too happy to oblige.

He swallows me down in one go, his tongue massaging the underside, while his cheeks pull me in with every suck. It's maddening. I've taught him well.

I close my eyes tightly and cum with a probably too loud moan of my lovers name and tremble as waves and waves of blissful orgasm washes through me.

Kris slips me out of his mouth gently and smirks up at me with proud adoration. We stare at one another for a few long, intense seconds. It feels real. It feels right. Like the last gear clicking into place.

"Hey, Stranger." Kris says, his wrecked voice sliding across my eardrums with an arousing rasp.

"Hey, yourself." I say, leaning forward and cradling his head in my hands.

Kris stands and pecks me lightly on the lips, knowing I'm not too crazy about making out after head. It's refreshing having someone who can wreck you completely like a passionate hookup, and yet still know you like you've been married for fifty years.

"We should probably get to bed." Kris says, sliding his hands up my thighs, pressing his thumb into a particularly dark mark.

I bite at my lip and fight off the smirk threatening to spread at the playful glint in his eyes. "Yeah, we probably should. We still have classes later today."

Kris's lip twitches, but he manages to control his composure. "Round two in the shower?"

I free the sly grin and lean in to kiss him once again. "What are you waiting for?"

I'm whisked off my desk so hard, i get a little dizzy and release a surprised giggle. I wrap my legs around Kris's strong hips, feeling his hardness press into my still soft, yet stirring and interested cock.

I was a fool to think that our relationship lacked passion. Just because I had given up on trying, didn't mean the attraction and want, wasn't there. It doesn't mean that we were headed for a cliff. Sometimes comfortable, doesn't mean stale or old. Sometime comfortable doesn't mean that you're growing apart and are losing each other. Sometimes comfortable means that you've grown. Means that you know a person so well that they're just a constant in your life. Sometimes comfortable means happy.

And when i look into Kris's eyes, shining with love, acceptance, and sincerity... I feel holistically comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! So here's the long awaited Taoris. Sorry it took me a bit. I'm in the process of moving and i don't exactly have a lot of time on my hands to focus on writing. I can't promise that my next update will come fast either, due to next semester starting and moving to a new place and all that. I'll try my best.
> 
> Anyways, focusing on Taoris. I kind of didn't want to leave things in a bad place for too long. I didn't want anything to be too dramatic, because honestly, everyone has a lot going on already in their own lives. Over the next couple of chapters, until XiuChen, there will be a lot of problem solving, tears, and forgiveness... so prepare for that.
> 
> I don't have have anything else to say, but you know the drill. Comment, message, vote. I'm here to listen.
> 
> BaekYeol/Chanbaek is up next. See you then.


	32. We don't slut shame our best friends (Baekyeol)

~Chanyeol~

It's a cold one today. One of those rare spring days where it decides it wants to be winter again. A shiver vibrates through my muscles and I lift my hands to breathe some warmth into them. 

This bench isn't helping either. Whoever decided that cold metal in an already overly shaded graveyard was appropriate, should really rethink their life choices.

It's early, too early for me to be awake in a day I don't have class, but I can't sleep. Restlessness has taken up residence in my bed and refuses to leave. It's been like this all week. I haven't been able to sleep with the idea that Baek isn't home. That Baekhyun isn't safely tucked into his bed, away from the dangers of the world. He's been talking to the others, and apparently has even come home for cloths and some food a few times, but I always miss him. Gods do I miss him.

"Baek's mad at me." I say out loud. "I know what i did wrong. I know where i messed up, but i don't exactly know how to fix it. I could really use some advice."

I can imagine her sitting down next to me, running her fingers through my hair and shaking her head at me, tsking about my latest stupid stunt.

"He told me he loves me. He actually love me. He said he has been in love with me for years... but i hurt him. Just as i got him, he pulled away. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this."

I imagine her sympathetic face, her gentle, comforting hand patting my own. I can almost hear her voice asking if I've tried speaking to him. Asking if I've even tried to fix it.

"He won't talk to me. He won't even see me. I miss him. Being away from him for so long hurts. It's like that one summer, when Heechul sent Baekhyun to space camp, but i couldn't go because i had to do summer school. It was the worst summer of my life. We've never been apart for more than a couple of weeks, and I'm going a little crazy here."

The wind blows around me, making a low pitched sound that i imagine to be her laughing at me. It makes sense. She always thought Baek and i were foolish together and i guess she's right.

"A little help would be great right now, mom." I ask, maybe a little too desperately.

Silence only greets me. Even my overactive imagination can't generate her trueness. She always had a way to say exactly what you needed to hear. She always had the best advice. But she's not here and I'm still lost. Without my mom or Baek... I'm hollow.

"I thought i might find you here." My dad says, sitting down next to me.

I whip my head over, hearing a slight pop "dad?"

"Chanyeol... it's been a while."

"What are you doing here?"

"Heechul called me. He was worried. Said you and Baek got into it."

"Why do you care?"

My dad winces and i regret my words. I've never been angry at my father. Actually it's the lack of feeling for him that makes me truly realize our distance. My mom was the one that brought us together, and after she passed... well, there went the lone thread that gave us anything in common. 

The older man sighs, a tired undertone to it. I wonder if he's been sleeping enough lately; eating enough. "She was better at this than i was. Your mom knew how to make everything better and always knew what to do. I know I'm not your favorite person and god knows i could have tried harder, Yeol... but don't think i dont care about you, Son. You're my boy and honestly, you're the only piece of her i have left."

I swallow the sudden lump in my throat "you did your best. I know that. I really do... i just..."

"Needed her?"

"Yeah" i breath out, a tear scalding my face in the cold morning air.

My dad nods, as if he understands completely "me too."

We sit in silence for a few seconds, before he takes a deep breath and shuffles around. I glance over to watch him produce a large, tattered looking book from his coat, and hands it over to me. My eyebrows furrow as i hold, what appears to be a thick photo album in my hands. It's bound in a worn leather, like someone had put a lot of love into it over the years.

"What's this?" I ask, giving my dad a curious look.

My dads lips tick into a soft smile, a rare occurrence from him and i can't help the kick of surprise.

"I may not be your mother and I'm definitely not good at these types of things, but i do know what matters, kid."

My eyebrows pinch together, but he offers me nothing more than a nodding motion, silently telling me the answer lies in my hands. I open the photo album, and half laugh half sob when i come across a picture of my mother's, both of them. My own holding me and Heechul holding Baekhyun, smiling brightly at the camera. They both look so beautiful and happy. My heart clenches painfully. 

I risk to turn the page and find an equally touching photo of Baek and me laying side by side in a crib, sleeping, and holding onto each other tightly. The next is tiny Baekhyun sat next to me in high chairs, covered in food. Then Baek and me sitting back to back in a sandbox, holding hands on the swing set, sharing an ice cream one (half of it covering our faces), and even one picture of us in the bath together. They keep going, each picture is Baekhyun and me, always together as we grow up. Playing together, eating together, going on vacations, even school pictures. Baekhyun is always by my side in all of them.

"Your mother started that when you were kids. She always told me that she wanted to give it to the both of you on your wedding day. She and Heechul had this notion that you were both meant to be together since you were babies." My father chuckles lightly, a sound that would shock me if i wasn't so caught up in these photos "i guess they were right. The only way either of you would stop crying when you were infants is to put you two next to each other. It was like watching magic. Baekhyun would start fussing and all your mother had to do was place you beside him and he'd instantly curl up into your side and go to sleep. It almost did seem like fate."

I peek up from the album and regard my father with disbelief. "i didnt know that."

My dad nods "we didn't tell you because we didn't want you guys to feel pressure to be together. We wanted you two to gravitate naturally."

I take a deep breath and go back to the photos. They slowly become less and less the older we get, and I get it with trembling fingers. The pictures slow around the time my mom got sick.

I'm hesitant to keep going, seeing a picture Baek and i had taken of us one summer. It was the summer right before my mom told me about how sick she really was. About how she'd probably never see the next summer.

I turn the page and surprisingly find a picture of us during our school talent show, then one during a class field trip, and one we had just taken ourselves after school one day while hanging out in Baekhyun's room... all taken after my mom died. 

"It didn't feel right to stop. That album was important to her. It's something she wanted you to have... something she wanted you to look back on. I know its not complete and i know that later pictures aren't even close to what she would have done, but some of those were hard to get. Do you know how many teachers i had to bribe to slip me pictures, or how many times i had to ask Heechul to sneak shots when you guys went to do things... it wasn't easy and honestly-"

I stop him dead in his tracks, his tongue frozen mid sentence, as i wrap my arms around my dad. It's been years since i hugged this man. Years too long. He's still my dad. Even though we don't always connect the way we should, he'll always be my dad. Moms death was hard on him too, and sometime i forget that. 

Selfishly, I've been hurting in silence and grieving on my own, when we could have been hurting... healing together. All this time, i thought he checked out. Pushed everyone out of his life and threw himself into work, but all along he's been watching over me. Loving me in his own way. I was just too stubborn and blind to see.

"I should have called more. I should have made more of an effort. I should-"

"No, Chanyeol. It's okay. I understood. Of course i missed you. Of course i wished we could have connected more, like you and your mother did, but i understood. No matter how much i wanted to, i could never live up to your mother, so i kept my distance. I'm sorry. I should have been there, even if i knew it would have never been enough." My dad explains, holding me against him and rubbing my back. My mom used to do the same.

A sob suddenly burst from my lips and my dad tightens his arms around me. For years we've both been stubborn idiots. My mother's probably watching us right now, laughing and shaking her head. She'd probably tell us just how much we're like one another if she could.

"Chanyeol" my dad says, his voice sounding a bit thick "I've never claimed to be a smart man, but i know love when i see it, son. I've seen you two grow since you were babies. I've watched you two before my eyes, and i know that what you two share is so intensely strong, that whatever you guys are fighting about doesn't really matter."

I pull back, my hand still clutching at his jacket "I'm not sure if i can get past this."

My dad smiles gently at me and reaches up, wiping my cheeks clear. "Yeol, you've known Baekhyun since you two came into this world. You've grown up together, learned, loved, faught, and are still by each other's sides. That means something, kid. There's a reason that album exists, and there's a reason why your mom made it. She knew that no matter what there would always be love between you two and you'd always be by one another's side. If you don't believe me, look again." He says, pointing at the book.

I pull away from him, and continue to flip through the pages. Prom, senior trip, our graduation, freshman moving day, rush week, the day we moved into EXO, Baekhyun's award ceremony, my first show ... our lives are laid out from beginning to now. It's all here and it's all with Baekhyun by my side. My best friend. My family. My first love. Baekhyun's everything to me. These pictures don't lie.

Suddenly, i know exactly where to find Baekhyun.

"Dad, i have to-"

My dad smiles and glances up at me as i stand "Go. He's probably waiting for you."

I swallow thickly, "what about you... about us?"

My dad sits back on the bench and a look touches his eyes, one he always reserved for my mother "don't worry about me. Go get the love of your life. I'll be here, spending a little time with mine."

I push away the sudden onslaught of emotions his words bring and nod, knowing he's right. We have plenty of time to mend things later. But right now, my side is feeling a little cold, and i know just how to warm it up.

>>>>>

~Baekhyun~

"Why are you still here?" A voice peels me out of an equation that I've been working on for the past hour. 

I groan and sit back in my office chair, hearing a few unsettling cracking noises. "Because i live to thrive in your greatness, Dr. Lee."

My professor rolls his eyes "go home, Byun. Even animals know when they've worn out their welcome."

I settle my hand over my heart and scoff in an over dramatic gesture. "Are you calling me an animal?"

"No, Baekhyun. Animals work on instincts, they only communicate when necessary. And sarcasm, the only language i'm sure you're fluent in, doesn't exist in animals." My professor supplies, settling his briefcase on his desk, looking awfully exhausted for it being this early in the day.

I sit back, never having thought about this before. "animals don't have sarcasm?"

My professor raises his eyebrow curiously and smiles lightly "no, studies have shown that communication between animals is extremely limited and literal."

"Oh my god." I suddenly exclaim "do you think animals have a sense of humor?"

My professor looks up at me with a considering face. "Probably not... wait, why you tearing up?" 

I cover my mouth with my hand " I'm just thinking about a small hamster going through it's life like an accountant, so so bored and so sad, or a fluffy white bunny rabbit never knowing the joy of a dick joke... and... and i... i need a minute." 

The look my professor shoots me as i leave the lab is worth every second of that scene, and i'm still laughing when i exit the room, but it fades as soon as i look down the hall. Honestly, i expected him to find me, but not this quick. I knew Chanyeol knows me best, but maybe even i underestimated him. 

"Yeol." i greet shortly and too formal.

Chanyeol swallows thickly, stepping a few feet closer to me. "Hey, Baek."

Silence meets us, and we stand there awkwardly looking everywhere but at each other. I guess neither of us really know where to go from here. Yeol made an effort to come find me, at least i could do is try to push this into some semblance of a conversation. Something we've desperately needed to have for a while now.

Spending a week away from your best friend and the love of your life, kind of allows you to think. Allows you to place some perspective on things. I love Chanyeol. I love him with all of my heart, and i know he has feelings for me, but i need to know who he has feeling for. Me? Or the version of me in his head? I need to know if my best friend has really been by my side all of these years for something.

"You found me." i say, my voice pitched too high.

Chanyeol flinches slightly, probably recognizing it as my nervous tone. I wonder how odd it feels for him to know that i feel anxious around him. Yeol's always been in my life. He's always been with me for as long as i can remember. We know everything there is to know about one another and we are not just comfortable together, but we're a source of that comfort. My happy place, my peaceful moment, for the longest time has always been Chanyeol. It breaks my heart that i feel stripped and vulnerable under his gaze.

"I know you, Baek. I always have." Chanyeol's voice is oddly stable and confident.

"You didn't know i fucked Tao... or Jongin... or well, a lot of people really. I mean... you call Jongin disgusting and a slut, but you have no idea who i really am if you judge him for that." I say, my words biting even for my level of tea spillage.

Chanyeol cringes and my heart squeezes. "Im sorry, Baek. I'm sorry I said all of those things. I shouldn't have assumed, and I didn't know you were close like that with Jongin. I didn't know about Jongin at all, you're right, and I'm sorry. But i did know about Tao, actually."

My eyes shoot wide as my jaw drops. "What?"

"Baek, you're not exactly sly." Chanyeol says with a sigh, "Who do you think covered for you that night. Jiyong didn't skin you alive for raiding his secret stash, did he? Exactly, i caught your dumbass sneaking out that night and followed you to Tao's. Once i made sure you were safe and kind of caught the hint that you two were a bit too touchy and feely, i left. The next day you acted weird and looked like a complete mess when you came home... i put it together."

I blink steadily at the man in front of me. "You covered for me? To Jiyong? You knew i slept with Tao?"

Chanyeol nods. "Jiyong gave me a pretty good bruise on my thigh for that one, but he would have done worse to you, so i took it. Also, you looked pretty upset, i figured you weren't in a good place with Tao and it wasn't a big deal, especially since you didn't bring it up. The one night stands too, you never mentioned them, so i never felt it important to ask."

"You knew about those?" i ask, my hands trembling at my side.

"I knew about most of them, Baek." Chanyeol explains, stepping forward a few more feet. "How do you think you got home so safely the next morning, or managed to curve the bad decisions so well. I always made sure you had condoms and packets of lube in the pockets you wore on the nights you went out. I made sure you got to and from the place you were heading without any hiccups. And i made sure that the guys you picked out weren't creepy, and if they were, i got rid of them without you noticing."

I don't even know how to process this. Chanyeol, the giant dumbass has protected me all my life, so it's not that surprising, but to go that far... He's like a fucking guardian angel. "That is the creepiest, stalkerish, weirdest.... sweetest, thing I've ever heard. You knew i was fucking around with all of those people, and you said nothing? You just made sure i was safe and sound?" A disbelieving laugh leaves me. "And here i just thought i was one of those well prepared, lucky drunks that manages to take care of myself better than when i'm sober."

Chanyeol's lips part in surprise and he tugs his lip into his mouth.  "Sometimes i let you to your own devices, like when you're more on the sober side, or seem like you have a good handle on everything, but most of the time i just make sure you're okay."

"Wait, did you like stand outside the door the whole time i was getting drilled into a bed? Did you just listen and patiently wait for it to be over?" I ask, a hand comes up to my mouth.

Chanyeol levels me with a stare and rolls his eyes. "No, Baek. Damn it, i'm not that creepy. I'd find a convenience store around the corner or a bench outside to wait for you. You never stayed the night and always left after you were done. I never understood why, but i figured it was just how you operated. I'd watch you stumbling down the street, looking lost and wobbly, and i'd pick you up and take you home. I'd help you clean up and then put you to bed. I saw it more as watching over you. Now that i say it out loud, it is a bit weird..."

A sigh falls from my lips and i realize just how many years Chanyeol has been putting up with my slutty ass, and then i judged him for never understanding me, or for not knowing me at all. I made up this idea in my head that Chanyeol would never love the real me, but here he is, admitting that he's seen me at my worse and still cares to the level that only Park Chanyeol is capable of. I wonder how many times i could have ended up in a bad situation. I wonder how many terrible choices Yeol saved me from.

"Thank you. For looking out for me all these years, i hadn't realized... You must have went through a lot of trouble because of me." I say, feeling a bit emotional.

Chanyeol smiles and finally steps close enough to reach out and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I really need to cut it. "I was happy to do it, Baek. You were safe and happy, and because of that, i was happy. That's all i want for you, Baekkie."

My eyes blur as i rush forward and press myself into the stupid idiots arms. He instantly folds around me, no hesitance present anywhere in his hold. My best friend gives the best hugs.

"So, why did you take such offense to Jongin? Why did you say all of those things about him being a slut if you knew the truth about me?" I ask into the thickness of Chanyeol's hoodie.

His hands rub across my back, soothing the ache in my heart. I can never stay mad at Chanyeol. Not when he feels so much like home. "Because it's not the same. Jongin lets people use him. He lets people walk all over him and treat him like garbage. Jongin doesn't understand that he deserves better and should demand to be respected. He just accepts what people give him and you're better than that. Baek, i don't give a shit about sleeping around. I don't care how many people you've been with. It's the level of respect and care that you treat yourself with that matters. I never meant that he's a whore or anything bad towards his sexual appetite." Chanyeol sighs and squeezes tighter, like he's afraid i'll let go. 

Part of me is afraid that he'll let go too. That he'll disappear and i'll wake up from this dream. The words and acceptance I've always wanted not only from my best friend, but from the man i'm helplessly in love with hang in the air. I want this to be real. I desperately need this to be real. Chanyeol sees me. He really sees me. I was wrong and i'm intensely happy about it.

"And honestly, perhaps i was a bit jealous."

My chest tightens and my breath shallows. No, this... this couldn't be it. In this damn stupid hallway outside the lab i consider to be a watered down prison. He can't confess like this. Chanyeol just admitted that maybe he knows me better than i even knew myself and now, he wants to drop this bomb? Fuck my life.

"Chanyeol." i mutter, my heart beating erratically.

Chanyeol pulls away and warning bells sound off in my head. No, i'm not ready for this. I'm still processing. I'm still sorting out my head. I haven't even gotten to my heart. He takes my hands into his and stares deep into my eyes, then smile and lets go. 

Chanyeol reaches into his bag i just realized is strapped to his back and pulls out a large book, almost like a binder. I notice it as a photo album when he sets it in front of me, motioning for me to take it.

I blink at him and grab onto the book, feeling a surprising amount of weight. It must be packed full of pictures for it to be this heavy. "What is this?"

Chanyeol's answering smile is melancholic "it was my ah ha moment. My answer for a twenty three year old question."

My eyebrows knit together and i shake my head at his vagueness, then open the front cover. Picture after picture. Each one more special. Each one more telling of Chanyeol and my life together. The history and memories painted across pages and pages of smiles and adventures. 

"Yeol?" i ask, my voice breaking. "How? Who? Did you?

Chanyeol reaches out and brushes a stray tear off my cheek. I look up at him, every bit of vulnerability blinding my vision. "Not me, my mom.. and then my dad."

The understanding rips through me and i feel so touched, but also so sad. I know how important something like this is to Chanyeol. I feel like i'm holding the most precious of jewels in my hands. "So much of our lives are in here, Yeol. Why? Why did she do this?"

Chanyeol, who still has his hand on my cheek, smiles sadly. "My dad said she wanted to give it to us on our wedding day." My throat suddenly feels swollen, and Chanyeol chuckles. "I guess even back then she knew how much i'd love you."

My hands tighten on the book and i risk glancing up to meet my best friends eyes. "...Chanyeol."

"It's always been you, you know? You've been by my side. Right from the start, you were there. I've never had another option... never wanted one. You were fated to be by my side, Baek. I know there's no sense in lying to either of us anymore. I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time now." Chanyeol says, offering me the steadiest smiles I've ever seen grace his face. "I know you have a lot of emotions and thoughts to work through. You need to process, so i'll give you some space. I was a fuckup and I have a lot of work to put in for your forgiveness, but I'm willing to do it. I'm willing to prove that I deserve you. I'll wait... l'll wait forever for you, Baekhyun, after all i have been waiting my whole life."

My chest visibly rises from how hard i'm breathing as Chanyeol leans forward and presses his lips to mine. One brush, two. Like he's savoring every bit of it he can, before he pulls away. His forehead rests against mine for a few beats. I measure the time with my heart. 

"I love you, Byun Baekhyun." Chanyeol whispers, his breath ghosting over my lips.

I was stupid to think that Chanyeol couldn't love me. I was stupid to think that he'd judge me. Chanyeol's been beside me through everything. He watched me grow up, change, evolve and he's remained by my side through it all. Chanyeol's never seen me as a whore or a slut because he sees right through all of it. He sees me beneath the labels and rumors, beneath the mistakes and flaws. Chanyeol sees my soul and knows me better than anyone, and he still loves me.

All this time i thought he would walk away if he saw the real me, but he wasn't in denial, he just saw the truth below the surface. Chanyeol stays because he sees the real me.

Park Chanyeol really is my soul mate. 

When i open my eyes, the hallway is empty and the only evidence that he was here at all is the weight of our lives together resting in my palms.

>>>>>

After some tears and a good dose of ugly crying, i decide to go find Yeol. I decided that he doesn't get to just leave all dramatically. He can't leave me with that emotional napalm and then just leave me like he's actually smooth or something. I've watched that dumbass choke on peanut butter, he doesn't get to be the antagonist in a k-drama.

I come up the unnecessarily large hill from the science building, sniffling pathetically, with the photo book clutched to my chest. I'm taking the shortcut i always do, when i hear an obnoxious version of red velvet that sounds an awful lot like my idiot of a best friend.

I come to the large court yard at the front of the school, where the university's founder that we christened with a suction-cup dildo at the end of last year, stands. Heading down to the statue, as well as a grand fountain that was built over the summer, (it makes me glad to see that my tuition is going towards something practical.) is a set of stairs... A set of stairs that i find all of my friends sitting on, watching the scene in front of me with clear amusement. 

A silent sigh pulls from my lips, because you see, the statue and the fountain aren't the only things down in the center of the courtyard. My dumbass of a best friend is also down there... wearing nothing but bright pink boxers that say "juicy" across the back, a sign around his neck, that i can't see because he's turned away from me, and dancing terribly and singing atrociously to one of my favorite girl group songs. 

Mamamoo doesn't suit Chanyeol's vocal range.

I step up closer to my friends, standing behind them. Listening in to their humored conversations.

"Please tell my someone is getting this." Tao says, a snort bubbling up from his throat as Chanyeol trips and nearly topples into on of the many clusters of students that have stopped to watch the display.

Kyungsoo joins Tao in a laugh. "i have a live feed to YouTube going right now."

Jongin glances to his left where Kyungsoo sits, and licks his lips. "you have a YouTube channel?

Kyungsoo pauses and glances sideways "maybe." 

I smirk, and can't wait for when that comes out of Kyungsoo never-ending chest of secrets. 

"I feel like i should stop this... but i just can't" Jongdae voices up next, and i wonder how he even got his jobs at this university.

Minseok places his hand on his chin, almost looking calculating more than amused. "I'm rethinking our work uniforms. Look at all of the girls surrounding him... I'd make bank if i went about this the right way. Tight fitted shorts, and muscle T's... they should read "Expert grinder"

Kris cackles and grabs Tao's hand. Sehun watches from where he's sitting, with Luhan nestled with his back against Sehun's front. Sehun watches them fondly and it makes me smile. I've missed some things, clearly. But i'm glad to see that things seemed to have worked out.

Yixing just beams and sips at his coffee, watching Chanyeol attempt to dance to "gee". I realize then why he looks so smug and i shake my head at my other best friend. He's like another Heechul. Fuck anyone who thinks this evil mastermind is innocent.

Junmyeon chooses this moment to pop up beside me. He gives me a curious look and i shake my head, holding a finger to my lips. He smirks and nods, before he sits beside Soo. "Did you do this?"

Kyungsoo snorts and shakes his head, giggling like a little kid "oh gods, i wish i was the genius that came up with this beautiful magnificence, but sadly it was Yixing."

Junmyeon looks surprised and is about to say something, but i stop him before he steals my thunder. 

"And what exactly possessed you to force Chanyeol to do this?"

Everyone seems to freeze and turns to me achingly slow. It's almost amusing, but I'm not exactly in a laughing mood. I mean, it's funny, it's funny as hell, but i just spent the last hour sobbing at my desk while my professor kept sending me distressing glances. I'm a little tapped out on emotions.

"We just... We felt that Yeol deserved a little humility..." Yixing answers, now looking a little unsure.

"Baek, have you been crying?" Tao exclaims, standing and getting Chanyeol's attention.

I sigh once more and finally see that the sign says "i slut shamed my best friend" across the front. Any other day, i'd be cackling, but after what Chanyeol just explained to me, proves that it was a misunderstanding. Yeol doesn't deserve this. I carefully hand the photo album to Yixing, knowing he'll take care of it and wordlessly launch forward.

I take the steps two at a time and hurry across the courtyard until i'm standing in front of Chanyeol. He stares at me with wide eyes and reaches up, running his thumb under my eye where i'm sure its the most red and puffy.

"Did i make you cry?" Chanyeol asks, his voice thick.

Swallowing down another sob, because i swear to the gods, if he starts crying then i will too. "Happy tears. I looked through the album. There's a lot of memories in here, Yeol. Year and years of us."

Chanyeol smiles and nods, pushing a hand into my hair. I wonder for how long he hesitated with touching me. I wonder how many things he held back because of me. 

"Why are you out here, Yeol? Why are you doing this?" i ask, reaching out and pulling at the sign.

Chanyeol's eyebrows bunch. "I hurt you. I made you sad."

I shake my head. "We both misunderstood each other, Yeol. You don't need to do this. You don't need to prove to me how much you care."

"Of course i do. Until you're ready, i want to prove myself. Every day, i want to earn the right to stand next to you. To be what you deserve." Chanyeol says holding my jaw in his palm so tenderly i might start crying again.

"You don't have to prove yourself, Yeol. You don't have to do anything for me. And i don't need time. I don't want it. I just want you." I say, betraying tears sliding hot down my cheeks.

Chanyeol stares down at me, seeming shell shocked. "What?"

I groan and reach forward, yanking at the sign and successfully pulling the rope tied to either end, that was looped around his neck, over his head. I toss the stupid thing to the ground and unzip my hoodie. It's too small for him, but that doesn't stop me from shoving it onto Chanyeol's thick ass arms... okay, but like, what the fuck? Who gave him the right? When did he get so damn ripped? I'm insulted.

I zip it up and shoot a death glare to a group of girls closest to us, and they get the hit, scurrying off with the rest of the crowed.

"I've been in love with you since middle school, you giant, unobservant, naive, asshat. I've been in love with you for so damn long, i'm not sure i remember what not being in love with you feels like. You want to know why i never stay the night with any of my one night stands? Why i always leave as soon as i'm sated?" I ask, pausing and taking a deep breath. "Because, i can't stand the idea of waking up to anyone who's not you. It breaks my heart every time i roll over in bed and you're not lying next to me. It hurts so bad when i wake up to a cold bed and the feeling of being alone. It kills me, Yeol, because i love you so fucking much, but everyone i try to drown myself in is never enough... is never you."

Chanyeol looks like he's about to pass out, like he's so overwhelmed he can't function. he's not even blinking, but eventually he manages a "You love really me?"

I scoff a short laugh and lean in, placing my head against his chest. "of course i do, stupid. I wasn't just talking out my ass at the party. I really love you. You're my soul mate."

Chanyeol laughs, but it sounds closer to a sob, as he folds around me. The feeling of Chanyeol holding me, safe and secure in his arms. Like finally coming home after being away for far too long.

"Can i kiss you?" Chanyeol asks, pulling back slightly. He brushes tears off of my face, and i notice he has some stray tracks of his own.

I smile and tilt my head up. "I'd be offended if you didn't"

Chanyeol bridges the gap and presses his lips gently against mine. His lips slide smoothly and electrifyingly warm over my own. It doesn't feel like fireworks, but rather it feels like hot chocolate and black and white Christmas movies, while cuddled under a blanket. It feels like hot summer days splashing through a creek, with Popsicle grins. Like spending hours bickering over who cheats the most during our gaming nights. (It's Chanyeol.) It feels like my best friend becoming everything I've always wanted and filling that pesky piece of the puzzle that everyone manages to loose at the bottom of the craft box. 

Chanyeol is my past, he my present, and now he'll be my future. With our friends backtracking our kiss with gagging noises and catcalls, the love of my life standing before me in a ridiculously tight pair of boxers as well as my tiny hoodie, and the entire school watching the weirdest exchange possible, i know i wouldn't change any of it.

I send a silent thank you out to Chanyeol's mom for not only gifting this amazing man, but for trusting me to be the person by his side. I make a promise that i will cherish and take care of this amazing gift for as long as i breathe, and pull away from Chanyeol, who beams at me and pushes his forehead against mine. 

My heart stutters and i vow that i will now watch over and protect Chanyeol as he has me. I will make sure he always feels safe and loved. I will be Chanyeol's home, just as he's mine.  

"I love you, Byun Baekhyun." 

"I love you too, Park Chanyeol."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So, i kind of love torturing you guys. So, sorry, but not sorry if there were tears. 
> 
> I know. About damn time. I too have been waiting for BaekYeol to get their heads out of their asses. They told me they were ready, so here we are. Things are pretty much resolved and are moving in the right direction. I felt this one kind of emotion heavy, so i didn't put smut in it. Just didn't feel right. Next time.
> 
> Not much else to say. I'm probably forgetting to mention something. Fell free to ask questions if i am, haha.
> 
> Anyways, i'll see you guys next chapter. KaiSoo is up next. Be prepared for that, it'll be a good one.
> 
> I'm flying out in two days, so i won't be able to update for a bit, so hold tight, My Chickens. I promise i'll get to it when i can. 
> 
> Love you guys. kisses. 


	33. Soo vs Kai (Kaisoo)

~Kyungsoo~

The sound of oddly pleasant chirping greets me as I'm pulled out of my pleasant slumber. The fog lifts from my brain and my dreams, still existing on the edge of my subconscious, fade away. I feel my limbs starting to stretch out and feel around before i even process what they're searching for. When my right hand connects to a soft, warm surface, i know they found it.

My hand, on its own validation, slides down the smooth area, feeling every hard plain, tight and sculpted. The gods clearly gifted it to this earth to be marveled. To be revered. Perfection personified, and he's in my bed.

Too lost in enjoying the moment, i almost miss the amused sounding hum... Almost. 

My eyes snap open and my lip sucks safely into my mouth at finding Jongin's eyes open, watching me carefully. It makes me want to shy away, but instead i push myself to be daring.

I lean in and seize Jongin's lips, then pull back to gage his response. He stares at me a bit caught of guard, but doesn't seem upset. I decide to play with fire and lean back in pressing our lips together, this time separating my lips quickly and pulling his bottom lip into my mouth, marching my way through his surprise until i get a reaction. It starts slow, Jongin still edging on his caution, before i feel him react properly. He moves closer, deepening the kiss and hungrily pushing his tongue into my mouth. 

A deep, low moan pulls out of my throat. It only encourages him, and i soon find a large, sure hand fitting across my ass. My thin briefs allowing for the awareness of every single digit fitting across the swell, squeezing a good handful. I gasp and my hips move forward on their own validation, which forces Jongin to pull away. I chase him, but he refuses to give me what I want. He takes a deep, struggled breath as he rests his forehead against mine, and our ragged breathing echoes through the room.

"Jongin..." i start, about to make my case once again, but he stops before I can.

"You have so many stuffed animals in here." He mentions, staring over my shoulder.

A sigh falls from my lips and i lean away from him. He's been doing this for over a week now. Any time we get further than an innocent kiss, or even a small taste of something heavier, he breaks away and clouds the moment. Like now, when he's looking at me with that boyish smile that made me fall for him to begin with and awaits my answer, i can't even bring myself to be upset about it.

I shake my head and let my hand move up his chest and deliver a vengeful tweak to his nipple. Jongin yelps and gives me a wide eyed, yet amused expression. The little shit, he knows exactly what he's doing.

"Don't question my children. This was their bed before you started crashing." I state.

Jongin mocks offense and then pouts. "Well fine. If your children are more important."

He scoots away and makes a move like he's going to get up, and panic seizes me. I grab at his arm and he pauses, looking at me with a questioning gaze, as if waiting. Like this is an actual test. I know it's in a kidding way, but something about this moment makes my heart shutter. The thought that my next choice could make or break his presence in my bed feels way too heavy in my chest. Why is it so hard to breath?

Jongin's brows furrow and he places a hand over mine, still frantically holding onto him. I know he doesn't miss the tremble that vibrates down my arm.

"What's wrong?" Jongin asks, his voice laced with concern. It only makes my chest tighten further.

"I don't... I'm scared that I'll make the wrong move and you'll disappear again." I admit, taking a bit of my own advice and being honest about my feelings.

Jongin's eyes drop from mine but i know i catch the guilt resting in them. "I'm sorry, Soo. I never meant to make you feel like this. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to make you count the minutes until someone else walks out of your life."

A sigh escapes me and i risk shuffling closer to Jongin till we're inches apart. "So stay."

His eyes flash back to mine and there's a hesitance there, but there's also want... so much want. I know Jongin wants me as much as i want him. I know he wants us. But he's scares, and i know why he's scared. 

Kai is someone who's ruined so many good things in his life. Someone who was created to be the gatekeeper and protect his heart. But how do you tell the gatekeeper to stand down when you two don't speak the same language. Kai is hard, cold, calculated. He thinks in strategy and dirty tactics. Jongin is soft, kind, and so innocent. He's breakable and just wants to be loved. Kai's kept Jongin locked away in a tower for so many years.

Jongin's been alone for so long, I'm not sure he remembers what it's like to fully let someone in, if he even knows what that feels like to begin with. 

We both have been fighting a similar battle on the sake of protecting ourselves. The want to not get hurt again is strong. Pain is a natural thing to set precautions against. We both need to learn that, even though there's a risk, not every chance ends in heartache, and not everyone needs to be kept outside the gate.

"Kyungsoo..." Jongin starts, once again waging a war in his head.

I shake my head and lean forward briefly pressing my lips against his, then crowding into his space, cuddling up against his chest. His arms react instantly and wrap around me, pulling me even tighter against him, while he scoots back to his original spot. Clearly his heart reacts before his head.

Grinning, i shuffle around and press the rest of my body against the human heater and tangle our legs together. I love that his longer legs can wrap themselves around mine with ease.

I hear a sigh of a man who has given in and tightens his arms, almost possessively. My grin of triumph follows me into the sweet embrace of slumber.

....

The next time i awake, I'm alone. It's not surprising, considering I've probably slept most of the day away. I haven't been sleeping much to begin with, so i guess my body decided it was time to catch up.

I climb out of bed and groan at how stiff my muscles feel, and how empty my stomach is. I briefly wonder where Jongin went and scratch at my thigh, ambling down the hallway, then descending the stairs. It's one of those pleasant, quiet days in the house. Most of the guys must be out or doing something that doesn't require their normal screaming and breaking things.

When i reach the bottom of the stairs, instead of turning to head towards the kitchen, something catches my sight in the living room. Soon, I stand before two grown ass boys, who might i add are way too large for this, scrunched up together on the couch again.

They're so absorbed into whatever they're watching on Sehun's phone that they don't move until Jongin glances over and does an amusing double take, then proceeds to immediately push himself into a sitting up position. "Hyung, you're up. I thought you'd sleep longer. You looked so tired this morning."

I blink at Jongin and smile softly at his hair tousled messily all over his head, mixed with his pouty lips, and heavy lidded eyes. Clearly i'm not the one who needs more sleep. I wonder if it's bothering Jongin to sleep in my bed?

It's been this way for over a week. Since the night of the party, when i made Jongin sleep in my room with me, he hasn't gone back to his own room but to change or get something. I don't mind, really i don't. but it's starting to get odd.

Jongin is known for sleeping often, but since he started sleeping in my room, he wakes up before me. This morning was the first time i woke up to find him next to me. I was starting to get used to waking up with him absent in my bed, but when i woke up earlier to find him next to me, i knew i'd never be content with finding an empty pillow next to me ever again. Waking up next to Jongin was too good. It was like my own little slice of heaven. 

Another reason it's starting to get odd, is because Jongin still treats me as before. He won't get too close. He won't allow us to be in a room alone for longer than a minute or two. He doges me and refuses to look me in the eyes. But the kicker is that he's a completely different person when he crawls under my covers. Basically it's the biggest and most painful tease of all time. It's like i get Jongin at night, when no one else is around, but the second the sun comes up, he treats me indifferently... like i'm not important. It feels way too close to home. Way too familiar.

I can't seem to find it in me to push him away, though. At night when he slips into my bed after everyone has gone to sleep and i feel his arms wrap around me. I have no strength to make him leave. Maybe i am a creature of habit. A true masochist through and through.

I hum and glance away from his cute disheveled appearance. "Somehow sleep hasn't been very satisfying lately." When i glance back at Jongin, his eyebrows are furrowed, and his lips have set into a deeper pout. "Maybe you should sleep in your own room tonight. Minseok moved out of Baek's room, so you should be more comfortable since Baekhyun isn't occupying your room anymore."

Sehun's eyebrows raise and he appraises Jongin with a sort of look i can't read. "You've been sleeping in Soo's bed?"

Jongin shrugs and drops his eyes. "It's comfortable. Baekhyun hyung starfishes."

"Right, well Baek is back in his room, not that he's been sleeping there to begin with, but problem solved." i say, and without a word, i turn and head for the kitchen, despite Jongin's calls of my name over my shoulder.

I start making myself a sandwich, but pause when i hear slight bickering, and then the sound of quiet, graceful footfalls behind me. "Why do you feel the need to fix things for him?" 

Sehun chuckles lightly and leans against the counter next to me. "He's like a brother to me, i want him to be happy."

I snort humorously. "You need to convince him to let himself be happy first."

The younger nods and crosses his arms. "Trust me, Soo. I know you're not in the wrong here. The dumbass is stubborn, and i know how he can get."

Glancing up to lock eyes with Sehun, i narrow my eyes. "Then why are you here? Shouldn't you be talking to him?"

Sehun appraises me for a few seconds before sighing. "I could lecture Jongin until i'm blue in the face and he'd still cower away. There's not a single damn thing i could tell him that he doesn't already know. He just doesn't know how to stand up for himself. He's never had to. Kai took care of all of that."

I shake my head and release a sigh of my own. "So, what? Are you telling me to give up?"

Sehun raises an eyebrow. "Do you want to?"

"Absolutely not, but I've run out of options here, Hun."

Sehun smirks and tilts his head. "Maybe not."

"What do you mean?" i ask, giving up on my sandwich and leaning on my hip against the counter to face the other.

He takes a deep breath, his eyes calculating. "You and i both know that you can handle Kai. Hell, i think even Kai knows that you could handle him. The only one who doesn't think you could go toe to toe is Jongin, who has done everything possible to keep you away from Kai. So, what i'm proposing is, get Jongin cornered. It's not exactly a stand up way to deal with it, but give him no choice." Kris was right, it is fascinating to take a trip in Sehun's head. The kid is too smart for his own good. 

"So you want me to use my powers for evil to battle evil?" i ask, feeling a bit amused.

Sehun winks at me. "Sometime you have to play a little dirty, baby Soo. Especially when the person you are fighting doesn't believe in rules."

I think over his words for a beat. Sehun might just be on to something... "What time do you go into the club tonight?" i ask, grabbing my sad excuse for a sandwich off the counter.

"Around 9, why?" Sehun questions, eyeing me wearily.

I smirk and throw a, "To play dirty, you have to be properly prepared. Preparation takes time, Sehun" over my shoulder, then head to my room, gears already turning in my head.

>>>>

The bright, almost obnoxious glowing sign greets me as i walk up to the large, warehouse looking building. I can already hear music thrumming inside the club, and the smell of alcohol and terrible choices wafting out onto the street. I always hated coming here. The few times I've made the exception, usually on Chanyeol's request to check on Baekhyun, I've only stayed a few minutes and hated ever second of it. This definitely isn't my scene, but for Jongin, i'll go to the depths of hell if i have to.

It's what i should have done years ago. Even when i now look at Tao and Kris, and i see them exceptionally happy, a part of me wishes that i had at least tired. I never fought for what i wanted before. When things slipped through my fingers, i just let it happen, never finding it a big enough deal to square up.

But Jongin... Jongin is different. Jongin is something i never want to lose. He makes me want to try harder, to be better in so many ways. Jongin inspires me. He's my muse and my humbler. He's so many things I've ever wanted, and so many things i didn't know i did. Jongin clears my checklist and i'm tired of wondering if i deserve it. Wondering if he's too perfect. I want Jongin. I need Jongin. I will win this fight. I will prove to Jongin that i can stand strong by his side and not bow to his demons.

I give myself one last check in the shimmery, metal doors and take a deep breath, then step into the club. No turning back now.

....

~Jongin~

"Kai, can't you stay with us." A woman from a group of younger college age girls calls over the music. "yeah, stay and entertain us." Another girl slurs, sounding way to desperate for attention.

I chuckle and shake my head. "Sorry, Ladies. We're quiet busy tonight. Can't let you gals have all the fun." They give me way too fake and trying too hard sort of giggles, and i push down a cringe as i make my way back to the bar.

Sehun pats my shoulder and i almost slap his hand away. I'm still not over the fact that the little bitch decked me, but i have to give props that it was a good hit. "They're brutal tonight."

I roll my eyes, "the group of bottoms tried to abduct me earlier before Seunghyun stopped them. It's crazy."

Sehun snorts, his shoulders shaking. "Just a Saturday, my dude. This is usually a breeze for you. Something on your mind?" He asks side eyeing me.

My jaw clinches and i narrow my eyes. "Sehun, you know i barely tolerate you at best, why are you trying to be my best friend? Save it for Jongin."

Sehun chuckles, "I'm just fascinated to see you distracted. Makes me think you have a sort of depth to you. Maybe, dare i say, feelings."

I take a large breath, "Impossible. That's the point. I don't feel. I'm still Jongin, just Jongin cut off from feelings. I'm not a whole other person. Just a side of him that comes out when needed. All of you are the ones who gave me a name."

Sehun's eyes appraise me and his face pinches in concern. "That's oddly profound for you, Kai. Somethings definitely wrong."

I shrug and lean forward to grab a stray shot Jiyong left unattended and throw it back. "The aimless flirting and charming just isn't as fun as it used to be."

Sehun glances away from me and a sort of devilish smirk crosses his face. "Could Kyungsoo be the reason?"

A snort bubbles out. "Yeah, I've been warned from even saying that name, let alone coming out when he's around."

"But you like him, don't you?" Sehun pushes.

I sigh. Even when i'm not attached to Jongin's feelings, Kyungsoo still peaks my interest. He's not an easily moved force. He's like a challenge that i still have no idea how to beat. So many people have showed interest in Jongin, but he's the first one not to shy away. He's the first that sees the damaged parts and loves us- Jongin anyways. He interests me. "Does it matter?"

"Well, since Kyungsoo's coming this way, i'd say it's pretty relevant." Sehun casually mentions.

Panic seizes my stomach, and i know it's not just from me. I take two seconds to decide not to let Jongin out, and turn around realizing pretty quick how much of a mistake that was. My eyes widen and i feel weak in the Knees at what stands before me.

Kyungsoo in tight ripped back skinny jeans, a frayed black tank-top, and biker boots. His hair is styled messily, swept back on his head, and jesus christ, is that eyeliner? Kyungsoo stands before me, looking like the child of an 80's hair band and a goth rave. So damn fuckable, and delicious.

Without hesitation i step forward to get a taste of this man, but he holds up a hand stopping me in my tracks. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if i threw this boy over my shoulder and pulled him upstairs to Siwon's office, he'd let me fuck him into the desk... so why do i stop? Why am i not dragging him across the club this second?

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, a sort of finality in his voice. "We need to talk." 

....

~Kyungsoo~

Kai seems to want to argue, but decides better of it and leads me to a quiet corner away from most of the crowed. Somehow it doesn't feel like i'm in the winning position, but i'm determined. I know i can resist Kai's charm.

"What can i do for you, my darling Soo?" Kai purrs at me.

I roll my eyes and place my hands on his chest keeping him distant from me, despite his attempt to bridge the gap between us. "We have some things to discuss, Kai."

Kai pushes up against my palms, his signature smirk only wavering for a second when i don't even budge. A challenging smirk replaces it... good, i like a challenge.

"Come on, Kyungsoo. I could tell how much you wanted me the other day. Why so shy now?" He draws, too sweet.

My eyes narrow, and i take a step forward, crowding into Kai's space, much to his surprise, based on the look on his face. I wonder if anyone has ever stood up against him in his life. I wonder if he's ever been tested the way he tests others.

"Of course i wanted you, but i have a certain respect level for Jongin. I will only comply if he's on board." I say, forcing him back a step.

Kai swallows hard. As i figured, he's all big bark but no bite. You bark loud enough, you never have to prove that you can back it up. Kai's never been pushed. He's always used to getting his way and unapologetically using anyone to keep ahead. It's how he feels powerful. It's how he feels safe.

"What he doesn't know, doesn't hurt him." Kai says, his voice low and dangerous. 

In an instant my hand secures around the back of his neck, while the other slips into his hair and pulls tight. I yank Kai's face close to mine.

"It does hurt him, Kai. It hurts him every time. You destroy everything in your path and leave him to pick up the pieces. You hurt him more than the world ever could and you don't even care." I hiss.

Kai's face hardens, and his eyes take on a dangerous edge, but he doesn't struggle. He just stares at me with those dark, tantalizing globes. It sends an excited shiver up my spine. I have him exactly where i want him.

"The world doesn't deserve us. It's a dark, twisted place. The only way to protect him is to be scarier than what lurks in the dark." Jongin deadpans, his venom slipping out in his words.

That's it isn't it. This is the side of Jongin who's taken it all. The side Jongin sends out to take the pain. Take the fear. Kai doesn't know how to not hurt others, because he only knows hurt. That's all he's ever experienced. The people who've loved him have only let him down and that betrayal and sadness, only reflects in his actions. Keeping the world away from Jongin, is how we loves Jongin.

"I can't let this continue, Kai. I won't allow you to hurt Jongin anymore. I wont allow you to damage everything he builds in his life. You may think you're protecting him, but you're just keeping out any possibility of happiness. Of love." I state, softening my expression slightly. 

Telling by the ice that clouds his eyes, showing him pity was the wrong move. "And how exactly are you going to do that, beautiful? Are you going to change me? Make me a better man? Stronger people have tried, princess. How, pray tell, do you plan on protecting someone who's already been beaten by his demons?" Kai grits out, his challenge made clear. Even in the position he is, he still fights. 

A smirk of my own appears and Kai's eyes visibly dilate. My hand in Kai's hair, slides down to his neck, and around to press under his jaw, wrapping around his throat with just enough pressure to make it a threat.

"Underestimating me would be a huge mistake, Kai. But, please.... Go ahead, push me." I warn.

Kai's eye twitches momentarily and he tries to yank out of my grasp, but between the hand grasping his nape, and the one wrapped around his windpipe, he barely budges. His eyes widen, and i see the panic swirling in them as he realizes the situation; realizes his absence of control.

"I'm not going to harm you, Kai. I would rather die than have Jongin get hurt, but i won't let you hurt him, either. I won't let you destroy him, when you were created to protect him." I say, staring deep into his eyes.

His laugh is humorless, too dark and chilling. He's trying to act indifferent. Trying not to give power by casting it off, it the panic still lacing his irises, tell me otherwise. "Fuck off."

Anger sizzles in my veins. "YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL ANYMORE!" I yell, my voice deep and demanding. 

Kai flinches and I feel him shiver once. His chest heaves, like he wants to fight back. Like he is trying to find any possible escape route and is coming up empty. Then, I see it. My stomach twists as i see the exact moment he submits. The exact moments he gives up the power to me. He knows he can't fight me, even if he wanted to. I have the upper hand on him. He knows i see the truth, i see right through the facade. Kai isn't as strong and cold as people think. Kai is Jongin's most damaged parts. Jongin's scars personified. He's just as pained and scared as Jongin, he's just learned to mask his hurt with acid.

Kai didn't need to be beaten. We didn't need to have it out for power. He just needed to be challenged. Honest to god, Challenged. He knows i won't back down, and because of that, he's already lost.

My smirk deepens, testing my power. "Knees, Kai."

The boy sinks to the floor instantly.

"I want Jongin. I'll deal with you later." I growl, pressing the tips of my fingers harder against the column of his throat.

His eyes immediately round and the almost dark glint in them fades until i know the eyes staring up at me are Jongin's. He doesn't make a sound. Doesn't even a twitch. But the glassing up of his eyes tell me he's at full attention.

"Am i hurting you?" i ask, but don't remove my hold.

Jongin shakes his head slightly and swallows thickly.

I nod and lean in a bit closer. "Are you done pushing me away now?" 

Jongin's gaze drops, but he still refuses to move an inch. "Yes." it comes out small, and barely a whisper, but i hear him loud and clear.

All Jongin needed to know is that i could handle myself. All Jongin needed to see, is that i can hold my own up against Kai. I know Jongin is scared because Kai ruins everything in his path and i know he's scared of getting too close to people because they just end up walking away. It takes a strong person to deal with damage, and I've always prided myself in being able to stand my ground.

I lean forward and press my lips to the boy's, still on his knees at my feet. It's a good look for him. Jongin pushes his face up, leaning into me like a man who's been stuck in the desert for days finally finding water. So eager and so pliant. It's cute.

I pull away with a small peck and give Jongin a soft smile. "I'll see you when you get home, baby." 

Then i leave him there. His gaze heavy on my back and his taste heavy on my lips.

>>>>

Steam sticks to my skin, swirling around my naked chest as i open the bathroom door, feeling better. Even though i was only in that club for a short time, i still felt grimy when i left.

I'm humming a small tune to myself, walking down the hall, towards my room. I stretch my back and a short shiver travels up my spine at the sensation pressing in my nether regions right now. Hopefully, if everything went right, all of my preparation won't be in vein. I'm satisfied over how well things went, and feel a bit of a skip in my step when I open my door, but halt short when i find a familiar shape sitting on my bed. 

I blink steadily for a few moments, before i regain some senses and briskly retrieve my glasses off of my dresser. 

Jongin clearly comes into view and i stare at his form. He sits on the edge of my bed, his head lowered and his body tucked in on itself, almost like a scolded puppy.

"Jongin..." i start, but his smooth voice cuts me off.

"No one has ever forcefully commanded Kai like that. No one has ever made him do anything, let alone retreat. He listened to you. He fucking bowed to you... how? I don't understand." Jongin says, finally lifting his head. 

His eyes shine with a glossiness of unshed tears, and clearly by the blotchy tracks down his cheeks, they wouldn't be the first.

"Is it relieving?" I ask, leaning back against the hard surface of my dresser. 

Jongin makes a pitiful sigh and nods slightly. "I've battled him for so long... I've been alone in this for so long, Kyungsoo."

I can't help a small smile at that. "I told you not to underestimate me, Jongin. I told you that i can handle Kai. I want you, and i see you. The real you. Nothing he says or does will keep me from that."

"I'm still scared, Soo. I feel so close. I feel like i can finally have you, but I'm scared you'll slip through my fingers with the snap of his." Jongin says, his voice holding a tremble.

I push off the wooden surface and take the few steps towards Jongin, till I'm standing inches from him. He sits back and allows me to inch closer between his spread legs. I take notice of his hands twitching from where they sit on his knees.

"You can touch me, Jongin. It's alright." I say, reaching out and taking his head into my hands, my palms cradling his jaw.

Jongin hums and his eyes flutter shut, a stray tear sliding down his cheek at the action. My thumb brushes under his cheekbone to catch it.

"I'm scared." He whispers, his hands clinching into fists.

"I won't let him hurt you anymore. I won't let you be alone anymore." I say, lifting his face up more, forcing his eyes to open.

"Kyungsoo." Jongin whispers, almost too low for me to hear.

Then, i feel a slight touch to my hip. A light, almost ghosted brush of his fingers over the towel still wrapped around my waist. My thumbs brush over his cheeks once again, encouraging him.

I wonder how long it's been since Jongin has been able to touch someone without Kai. How long he's been deprived of others touching him. Loving him. He's never been able to allow intimacy, allow himself to be cared for or loved without the mask of Kai. He never had to fear being hurt, because Kai would always be there to hurt them first. He'd never have to fear of being used, because Kai used them first. 

Jongin shuts himself off from his emotions, his feelings, his pain to the point that he becomes another person. Because of Kai, Jongin has blocked himself out from love. Blocked himself out from life.

I bite at my lip, watching his eyes darken, but Jongin stays with me. I don't even see a glimmer of Kai. Boldly, i decide it's time to push Jongin out of his comfort zone. It's time to pull Jongin down from his tower.

Dropping one hand from his face, i grasp at my towel, loosening the hold and letting it fall from my hips.

Jongin's eyes widen and his breath hitches. "Kyungsoo." He almost says in a warning.

I shake my head and return my hand his his face. "It's okay, Jongin."

His eyes slowly drop, and he swallows hard, his eyes drinking in my body. "Fuck, you're perfect."

"Touch me." I breathe.

Jongin's hands are sure as they grip my hips, slowly sliding down. They achingly slow, map their way down to my knees, before rotating and sliding up the backs of my thighs. When his palms come in contact with the swell of my ass, he removes them only momentarily. A protest whine builds up in my throat but dies as his large, sturdy hands grip my ass and squeeze, before kneading the flesh.

A moan pushes from my throat and i watch his pupils center at the sound. Without even a second of warning, i'm picked up and thrown over Jongin, landing on the bed. I squeak and stare up at the man who is suddenly on top of me, finding purchase between my spread legs.

"J-Jongin..."

Jongin stares down at me, a sort of raw want radiating off of him. His pleasure. His needs has been locked away for so long. Sex is twice as powerful when feeling are involved and he hasn't had that in a long time, if ever. Everything's magnified. More intense.

He swallows thickly and leans down, his gaze flickering between mine and my lips, making it known what he wants. I surrender instantly, letting him take everything he wants. Jongin can use me any way he likes tonight.

When Jongin pulls away, his lips are puffy and swollen, his hair is the sexy kind of wild, and there's a sort of predatory look in his eyes. He's the personification of sex, and gods, i want him so much.

"What do you want, baby?" i ask, my nails etching temporary marks across stunning caramel skin covering his shoulder.

Jongin shutters and closes his eyes, while dropping his hips, pressing his clear need against my own. He grinds his hips in amazing circles for a few seconds, almost as if doing it absentmindedly. "i want... i want to pull back. Let him take over. It's... it's too much."

I gasp out and throw my head back as a particular grind that puts just the right amount of pressure on my aching cock. "Please don't, Jongin. Please. I want you. Not him."

The sweet friction stops, prompting me to look back up. Our eyes lock and he stares at me with the strangest of expressions. "Say that again."

I blink at him and it clicks. I get it. Nobody has ever wanted Jongin for who he is. The dorky kid who would rather spend hours watching anime, than grinding on strangers in a club. The kid who giggles and claps his feet together when he sees something amusing. The lovable warm person who feeds all of the stray cats on campus and risks himself, to go out during a storm to check on a new mama cat and her kittens. No, they only want Kai. They want the life of the party. They want the one who's up for anything. The one who doesn't care enough to say no. The one who is quick to smile and even quicker to give in. 

Jongin's always wanted to be accepted. He's always wanted people to love him. But when he was a kid, people were cruel. They forced him into a corner. Kai wasn't just a protector, or mask he wore so no one would get close. Kai was also the version he created to be what everyone wanted. Kai is his way to be loved, because that's what they expect out of him. Jongin can slip into Kai, so no one can hate the person he really is. Kai is adaptable. He's cunning. He can be what anyone wants at the drop of a hat. He can be anyone's wildest dream... but not my dream.

In that moment, i see the broken little kid who just wanted to be liked. Who just wanted to be loved so much that he split himself in half to appease the people who hurt him and made him hate himself. 

I don't even realize a stray tear has slipped down my temple until Jongin's face pinches into distress and he leans down to kiss it away. "What's wrong? Did i hurt you? Are you okay?" he asks in a panic.

"Jongin," i say, my voice horse. "You are the one i want. The real you. Not the one everyone else expects you to be. I want the person who has a ridiculously large action figure collection. I want the person who sobs every time we watch Big Hero 6. I want the person who still has yet to successfully scramble a pan of eggs. I want you Jongin, not Kai. I don't want perfect. I don't want you to be someone you're not. I don't want you to be what you think i want. I want you. Flaws, quirks, scars, all of it."

Jongin slowly pulls away from the side of my head, his face steadily coming into view. Blurry eyes and tear tracked face in all. His eyes stare holes into my own, even through the glassiness. He just stares. I don't think anyone has ever told Jongin that it's okay to just be who he is. That he's allowed to be loved for just being Jongin. It breaks my heart.

"Kyungsoo." he whispers, his voice full of countless years of pain. 

"Jongin, make love to me." i say, placing my hand on his hip and lifting my hips up to meet his own.

He sucks in a sharp breath and lowers to meet me in a down right filthy grind. He pulls back and sits up in a quick motion, then nearly rips the thin fabric of his shirt off, revealing his toned, muscular body. The darkness of his skin only enhances the dips and curves. I want to map every inch with my tongue. Jongin blushes when i mention this out loud and i can't help the amused smile at how much of a shy baby he is.

I sit up and let my hands explore the soft, flawless skin beneath my fingertips. He's so beautiful, especially when a pleasant shiver ripples through his body, and goosebumps blossom across his torso. I can't help myself when when i sit further forward and press a teasing nip on his hip, pulling the skin with my teeth. Jongin hisses and he reaches for my chin so he can lean down and force his lips against mine in a hungry, messy, open mouthed kiss. It's dirty and it drives me insane. 

His hands find their ways back to my thighs, clearly a partial area for him and sensually slides his hands up, till he reaches my inguinal creases. My breath hitches. Just a couple inches. So close.

"Please." i beg, watching a playful smirk pull on his lips. It's a Jongin smirk. I've never seen one before, and it's beautiful.

When Jongin finally touches me, grasping my length and giving it an experimental tug, i swear i see stars. A curse falls from my lips, as my legs part just as easily. Jongin happily accepts my wordless invitation and once again regains his rightful position, keeping a steady grip on my leaking cock.

"You're so hard, Soo. You could cum any second." Jongin casually mentions, rotating his hand on an upstroke. My hips lift on reflex, and Jongin bites his lip at the action.

"You have no idea how much I've wanted you, Jongin." i say, arching my back at the pure pleasure pulsing up my spine.

Jongin's eye's are intense pools of mocha when he finds my gaze again. "The second you walked into the room that day at rush. The second Sehun introduced you to me as his senior from high school, I wanted you so bad it scared me. I wanted you so much that i made a point to avoid you at all costs." His thumb circles around the tip of my dick, and my breath shallows. "You were perfect. You're innocent face. You intense eyes. Your fuckable ass and thighs. God, i wanted you so fucking bad. So, yes i can imagine how much."

I shake my head and grab at his hand, stopping his motions. My balls were so tight, i almost lost it. Jongin stares down at the bead of precum glimmering at the slit and licks his lips, and i have to force myself to not lose it. I close my eyes and breath steadily out of my nose, calming myself.

When i open my eyes, Jongin stares down at me with an amused expression. "you good?"

I roll my eyes and lightly punch his shoulder. "Take off your pants."

Jongin stills at that, and it almost seems to hit him at once that this is happening. He seems to have a bit of a settling moment, then with a decisive nod, sits up again, to pull his pants down his thighs. I nearly have a stroke when i realize he isn't wearing underwear, then nearly flat-line when his beautiful cock comes into view. It's not particularly large, i'd say on the average side of not a little over, but damn it's pretty. My mouth waters at the sheer sight of the fat, dusty pink tip. He's thicker than most, definitely not as thick as me, but enough to imagine how well it would fill me up. 

"Fuck me." i breathe.

Jongin chuckles, as he fights with getting his pants down the rest of his legs while still kneeling. "isn't that what we're planning on? Unless you'd like me to bottom, which i'm okay with." 

I groan and decide that now is a good time to retrieve the lube bottle from under my bed. "I'd like to cum before i die, thank you." I earn another chuckle at that, but it's cut off short by a gasp, when i turn on to my belly, and bend over to reach the bottle.

Oh. Right. I almost forgot.

Hands spread over my ass before i can even firmly grasp at the plastic tube, and spread my cheeks fully, exposing everything to the world. I squeak and move quickly to get a hold on the edge of the bed before i topple over at the rough treatment.

"Jongin." i protest, but a sharp poke sends a jolt through my body and i clench hard around the momentary prodding.

"How big is it?" Jongin asks, once again placing a finger over the external knob and pushing on it.

My lower abdomen tightens. "Jongin, please."

A light slap echoes through the room and a pulse of pleasure send my nerves into hyper-drive. "Jesus."

"That's not my name. Now answer my question." Jongin says, still poking at the nub.

"It's small, just enough to be there, but not enough to intrude." i say breathlessly.

Jongin hums, and lets go of my ass. "Lube, Kyungsoo." He says with a bit of urgency that wasn't there before.

I scramble forward, a steady hand on my hip keeping me from face-planting, and locate the bottle once again. I nearly throw it over my shoulder and a few seconds later, i feel hands spreading my cheeks apart once again, as well as the continuation of pressing against the bud a bit roughly.

A groan pulls from my lips and i let my head fall down onto the bed, just before Jongin gets a more secure hold and slowly pulls the plug out inch by agonizing inch. I whimper and feel it push it back in, filling me once again. But it's not enough. It never is. This is the anal plug i use when i feel like wearing one, but don't want it to be to distracting. 

"You're so stretched for me, Soo. You're ready to go. Did you do this for me? Did you plan on this happening when i got back?" Jongin asks, beginning to pull the plug out and press it back in.

A mixture of a whine and a moan falls off my tongue and i press back into it, fucking myself thoroughly onto the smaller of my plugs. More, i need more. I hear Jongin let out a curse under his breath.

"I... i had it in before i even... went to the club. I didn't know... what would happen, but i was... hopeful." i rasp out between my harsh pants.

I hear Jongin swallow audibly. "Do you make a habit out of wearing this?"

I nod into my comforter and whine. "I like being filled."

Jongin answers me with a growl and i suck in a sharp breath as i'm roughly flipped onto my back. His eyes meet mine, looking hungry and zeroing in on the needy look in my own. He makes sure to hold my gaze as he reaches down and grasps back onto the plug and yanks it free of my ass, then secures the lube. He uncaps the tube, and drizzles a fair amount onto his palm.

His hand spreads out the sticky mixture onto his exceptionally hard cock. I bite at my lip and my hands twitch. I want to be the one doing that. I want to touch him so bad, but the look in his eyes as he holds my stare dares me to move. A small thrill prickles around the base of my skull. Whether he wants to admit it or not, there's traces of Kai in this man, and that's interesting to say the least. 

He spreads the excess lube onto my crack and too empty hole, then reaches out grabbing my thighs, pulling them up, and hooks them over his arm creases. He yanks me roughly, closer to him and leans forward. 

I feel his cock brush over my crack, and my eyes flutter. So fucking close. 

Deciding to help, i sit up slightly and firmly grasp Jongin in my hand, giving him a few teasing, but also self indulgent, pumps. He feels so good in my hand, i can only imagine what he's going to feel like inside of me. Jongin's responding moan makes me even more desperate.

Impatiently, i position his length right at my entrance, holding it there and look up to meet eyes with Jongin. He stares at me questioningly, and i nod once before his hips are pushing forward. There's light resistance, but then he's pressing inside and my eyes roll back in my head, while our synced groans fill the room.

"Fuck, this is really happening." i comment out loud, and let Jongin bend me in half, while he continues to press deeper into me.

Jongin isn't huge, but gods he isn't small either. It feels like forever before he bottoms out and i feel every weighted inch, opening me up. I breathe in the feeling of him inside of me, finally after so long, Jongin is here. In my bed, and inside of me. I could cum.

His deep chuckle rings through my ears and i feel my legs release, then placed around Jongin's hips. More comfortable and intimate, especially when he leans down and nuzzles under my jaw. I moan softly as he presses a kiss to my neck and thread my fingers through his hair. 

He pulls out just a hair, then presses back in. My back arches, and i can't help the moan that pulls from deep in my belly. Jongin does this again, then again till he picks up a small rhythm, all while littering kisses and nips across my throat and clavicles. My nails rake up his shoulder, while my left leg arches up higher on his hip allowing him to push in deeper. He picks up the pace in result.

My breath shutters and moans spill from my lips like a song worshiping in the magnificence that in Kim Jongin. Fuck, i love this man so much.

The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. Of course i had known i love him. Of course i knew that he had my heart, but until this very moment it had no name. It had no power. But now, now it's here and it's real.

Jongin, pushes up further onto his knees and starts thrusting harder, giving way to slight groans mixed in with my moans. His intense gaze finds me once again for the hundredth time, seizing me and refusing me to doubt how i feel about him. My heart. My soul. My everything is given to Jongin in this second. My body opens for him, and i tremble as my orgasm is ripped from the depth of my being.

He kisses me through it, holding me tightly as he chases his own high, pounding himself into my sensitive hole. I cling to him, my tongue tangling with his, trying to milk every bit of Jongin i can. I want to be surrounded by this man. I want to be cocooned in everything Jongin, so i never have to be apart from him. So i never have to feel him leave me.

"Jongin, " i gasp, still feeling drunk on the feeling of my release. "Jongin, cum for me, baby."

Jongin runs his hands down my thighs, grasping tightly. "Kyungsoo. I don't want it to end." he groans.

"Jongin, i'm yours. You can have me whenever you want. Let go, baby." i say, reassuringly running my thumb over his cheek.

"You're mine?" Jongin asks, his eyes twinkling.

I offer him a wobbly smile "All yours. I love you."

His eyes widen, and his hips falter as his release hits him unexpectedly. He says my name like a curse and i get a sick satisfaction from that. He thrusts in shallow jerks before stilling above me, our heaving breaths syncing in the stillness of my bedroom.

"Fuck." i say, laughing a little.

Jongin closes his eyes, humming in agreement, as his forehead rests against mine. I pet at his dampened hair and feel him relax his body weight against mine, until he's fully laying on top of me. His face tucks into the crease of my neck and i feel myself relax into his body heat and comfort.

After a few moments i start to feel myself drifting off, and shake myself awake at the prospect of falling asleep covered and full of jizz. My lip curls up at the mere thought of it. "Jongin, we should probably clean up."

His despondent, mumbled moan answers me and i huff a small laugh. Of course he'd be the type to fall asleep right after. He's such a cuddly teddy bear, and so so soft. I don't know how anyone could label this boy as anything other than a beautiful ray of sunshine. 

Placing a kiss to his temple, and wrapping my other arm around his shoulder so i can rub at his back, i decide to let him sleep for just a few more minutes. We probably need to have a a bit of a talk about what i said and we probably need to settle a few other things if this relationship is to continue, but right now i'll let him stay is his blissful little bubble. I'll let him breath in his first taste of being truly loved for himself.

I am Jongin's protector now. I am the one who defends and loves him the way he deserves. I'll make sure of it, from this moment forward, Jongin will always find safety and comfort in my arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, hasn't it? I've missed you guys and I've missed this story too. I had a serious case of writers block, but i felt inspired so i wrote the whole second half of this in one go. Haha its 3am here in Daegu, SK and i just finished some damn good porn. I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> Midterms are next week, so you might not see another update for a bit. I'm sorry guys, but school always comes first, especially while i'm overseas. I hope you guys can understand. I know you guys wait a bit for updates sometimes and may be a bit desperate for something from me, but please don't message or comment asking for updates. Nothing is as much of a mood-killer or a disappointment as you guys sending me those. I try my best to write and give you updates, but life is life, my doods. Sometimes i don't have time and sometimes i get majorly blocked. Trust me, I've been there, desperately waiting for an update. But being patient and understanding of a writer really goes a long way.
> 
> Anyhoo, thanks for reading. I hope i did enough justice for Kaisoo. I hope to see you guys next time. SuLay is up next.


	34. Everyone has an exception

~Junmyeon~

"So, how's the situation with your partner planning out?" I question, as we make our way down the street towards the cafe.

The other man beside me, smiles gently and nods promisingly. "Good. It's getting better. We've decided to see a counselor on campus to help us work through some of our own problems. It's also a sort of solidarity for one of our members, to make him feel better about seeing one. Normalize it in a way."

That surprises me, and i give my friend a supportive arm pat. "That's great, Kris. It's exuberantly forward thinking of you and I'm glad to see that you're willing to do that for not only yourself, but a friend."

Kris shrugs and his cheeks visibly pink a touch. "Thanks, Myeon. Actually, it's been helping a lot. I've only seen the councilor twice now, but he helped put a lot in perspective for me."

I nod and grin at my friend. "I'm proud of you. This is a step in the right direction."

"I'm a big supporter of mental health awareness, so I'm proud of you, too." Minho says, lifting his foam coffee cup in the air, toasting Kris to his positive correlation.

Looking on as the other two in my company carry on with a short conversation about our department. It makes sense how all of us became sort of friends, due to our similar majors, but also our like minds. All three of us came from wealthy families; groomed to be the heirs for things we aren't particularly ready for.

It's still amazing to me that Kris stepped away from his path. That he broke from the person who has been conditioning him all his life to be a certain way. After meeting Tao, i can understand how much he did for his lover. How much he changed him. It makes me wonder if love is that strong. Can love transcend the basic code that's been programmed into someone since the day they were born?

Obviously my questions are translated into my worry for my own relationship, if i dare to even call it that. My concern about, not only bringing a person into my life whom is the complete opposite of myself, but someone who is ultimately challenging everything i knew to be sure. Everything i knew to be real.

When i look at Yixing, i feel the ground beneath me turn to sand and my path doesn't look as clear as it used to. Suddenly there's multiple exits, when there used to just be one. Which is why i wonder how someone can change your worldview so quickly and wholeheartedly.

Money and power just doesn't have as much meaning anymore. Showing my control and status just isn't as satisfying. It's still amazes me, that, someone who came from nothing, has no importance in his name, and holds no impact on society, can completely discombobulate my thinking.

Yixing is just a nursing student. He lives a simple, menial life. By no means is he unimportant, but compared to the life the three of us have grown up in, Yixing should just be a small blip on my radar, if he showed up at all. But instead, i find my mind so frequently on him. I find myself drawn to him.

When i first realized Yixing's habit of following me around, i tried to let him be. I tried to let it go, but i just couldn't. Yixing's presence just seeped into my bones and tattooed himself there. I made the decision to keep him by my side the only way i knew how to, but pushing a square peg into a round hole never works. Yixing far exceeded my expectations. He's so pure and kind, but also hides an edge to himself. He's extraordinary. No one of that caliber would ever settle for being my secret shadow. I should have let him be when he placed a wall between us, but I couldn't let him go. I couldn't let him walk away, even when he wanted to. Of course i knew that he had the perfect out. Of course i knew that i should have gave up. That i should have just let him go his own way, but i just couldn't. It was too late, and i didn't even know why at the time.

Fundamentally, I'm aware of the possibility of how this could go wrong. I'm aware that this could end unpleasantly for both of us. I've never put my heart on the line before. Hell, I've never even knew my heart was in it to begin with, but since I've been receiving a sort of counseling from Taemin, it's hard to deny.

I've never realized before, but being a sub is all about feeling, trusting. Not only your partner, but also yourself. Feelings are integrated into the art, and the more i dive into my desire to be close to Yixing, the more I'm forced to come to terms with the 'why'.

Yixing might be the first person I've truly cared for outside of friendships. This boy who would haven't even caught my eye if we were strangers walking by one another on the street, has wormed his way into my chest, and refuses to leave. Yixing has rounded my edges and opened my heart.

Abruptly there's opportunities and exceptions that i hadn't known i had the liberty of. Only for Yixing could i ever imagine myself bowing to. Only for Yixing could i ever imagine there being a possibility that I'd choose a different path. So, if it came down to it, could i do what Kris did? Could i give up everything for Yixing?

"Junmyeon?" Minho voices loudly and i blink at the man next to me.

He seems amused and chuckles at my behavior. I'm not usually the daydreaming, zoning out type. We both know that, but he chooses not to say anything. Instead he gives me a sly eye-roll and motions to the cafe we are currently stopped in front of.

"Ah." I say intelligently and motion for the others to continue and we make our way inside, taking a table in a corner away from most of the cafe crowd.

Conversation carries naturally, as it usually does on our regular monthly lunches and we lose ourselves in it, laughing and deeply discussing aspects of business and our lives.

We get so wrapped up in our carrying on, that i almost miss a certain person that I'm surprised to see enter the small cafe. I watch him quietly approach the counter and make an order. He looks tired, like he's been up all night burning the midnight oil.

I watch the kid wait for his coffee and then take it in his hands like a devout receiving a gift from their messiah, when his name is called. If it wasn't for the tired, dazed look in his eyes, I'd almost be offended that he hasn't noticed us.

"Minho, shouldn't you be in charge of that?" I ask, pointing at the boy taking slow drags out of his cup like it's healing his soul.

Minho turns, stopping mid-sentence in his conversation with Kris and acknowledges the person I'm motioning to. The man chuckles and shakes his head. "Taemin's not my problem right now. He's on his own time. He said he was working on something, so I'm giving him space."

I mirror his chuckle and shake my head. "He looks like death."

Minho shrugs and smirks down into his coffee. "What can i say? Taemin is kind of useless when it comes to taking care of himself, especially when he focuses on something."

My eyebrows pull in confusion. "What is he working on, he doesn't have any projects due. I assured he had nothing going on before we began our..." i eye Kris for a second, who is still staring over his shoulder at the soulless creature at the counter. "Lessons."

Minho smirks at my word choice and shrugs once again. "It's apparently some sort of outside project he's working on. Like for an internship of something."

I nod, understanding this easily, but then raise an eyebrow once again at Kris, who is still watching the boy across the cafe.

"You alright there, Yifan?" I ask, finally snapping Kris out of his spell.

Kris turns back to us, and gives me a short smile. "Yeah, sorry. Excuse me." He says, standing and walking away towards the boy without another word.

I blink at the man and glance over at Minho who looks just as baffled, if not a bit irritated. We watch Kris approach Taemin and to our surprise recognition surfaces on the youngest's face and they begin conversing naturally, as if they've been friends since childhood.

Taemin rapidly speaks like he's intensely explaining something, and Kris nods. It almost looks like a boss and an employee speaking to one another. It's interesting as it is confusing. I hadn't know those two even knew each other, let alone to this extent.

"Are you going to intervene in that?" I ask, glancing at Minho who is heavily watching them.

Minho glances at me out of his peripherals. "Like i said, Tae is on his own time. He's just my boyfriend right now, and he has no rules about talking to other men. It's none of my business."

I sit back in my chair and cross a knee over my other, scrutinizing my friend. I never really give him enough credit for his relationship. They balance their dynamics well. It seamlessly blends in with their worlds. Taemin came from nothing, just like Yixing. He's worked for everything he has, and is now on the top of his class for his major. He's set up for a good future, with a promising job, but also balances his other tastes and lifestyle. Minho is the same, he manages to naturally integrate his life of taking over his mother's company and his position in student government with our choice world. On top of that, these two also have a normal functioning, real relationship.

Honestly, these two have always amazed me and i really have no idea how they do it.

My attention shifts back to the other two across the cafe, just in time to see Taemin pull a thick folder out of his bag, and hands it to Kris. The older of the two opens it and starts looking over it's contents for a few seconds, before placing a hand on Taemin's shoulder and smiling brightly at the boy. Once again it seems reminiscent of a boss congratulating his employee for his hard work.

They say their goodbyes and Taemin rushes out in a zombie like haze, and Kris returns to the table still looking over what I'm guessing are some type of documents. He sits, closing the folder and slips it into his bag hanging on the back of his chair.

"So, where were we?" Kris asks, smiling brightly. His eyes sparkle with a sort of almost cheerfulness that wasn't there before, as if he received some good news.

"Oh, nonono. You don't get off that easily. What was that?" I ask, obviously referring to the situation. "How do you know Taemin to begin with?"

Kris blinks at me and sheepishly shrugs. "He's the top student in the accounting program. I asked him to do something for me for a... thing i had to do."

Minho eyes Kris but inevitably accepts it and nods. "Is that why he looks half dead?"

Kris chuckles and shakes his head. "I told him i didn't need it for another week or so. He spent all weekend working on it. He's barely slept. I feel bad. I sent him home with the promise that he'd eat something and get some sleep."

Minho waves him away, a fond look entering his eyes. "Tae's just that way. When he focuses on something, he throws every bit of himself into it. It's just how he is."

Kris sits back in his chair, staring at the door where the boy exited and seems to be considering something rather deeply. "Do you know if he has any prospects after he graduates? Like a starting out position, not just an internship?"

I laugh and force my friend to look back at me with surprise, as if realizing the absurdity of the situation. "Why, do you have secret business venture we don't know about? Want to scoop Taemin up from large corporate machine companies?"

Kris smirks in a way that gives away that he's hiding something. "Something like that. I was just wondering if Minho was going to take Taemin to his mother's company after he takes over, or something."

Minho once again picks up his coffee, hiding his emotions into the rim. "As far as i know, he's kept his options pretty open. With the grades he gets, he can basically write his own ticket for any position he desires. Taemin and i have an unspoken deal of keeping our business and pleasure separate. Plus..." Minho sighs and glances away from our prying gazes. "Mother isn't fond of the idea of me keeping Taemin that close to our business."

Kris winces and sympathetically reaches out to pat our friend on the shoulder. It's a simple thing, but a gesture that we all understand. This is our reality. Our private lives are only allowed to exist as such, and when it comes to our world, sacrifices must be made. No price is off the table, even our hearts.

"So be prepared to pay the price if you want him. He'll lead his field." Minho comments, eager to change the subject.

Kris smirks and nods decisively. "I have a feeling that i might have a convincing offer for him."

We both give Kris searching, yet calculating looks, but decide to let it be and just accept his words. Minho wishes him luck and i follow him in accordance.

After all, we want the best for our friend. It kind of worried me, since he gave up his chance at taking over for his father. Trust me, we all understand why Kris did what he did, and would have probably done the same in his position. Minho is lucky enough to have a loving family who supports his happiness, and I'm lucky enough to have a family who live mostly hands off on my own life. Kris wasn't as lucky, so we get it, but that doesn't mean he didn't walk away from a sound, prosperous future.

Kris staying on the path of business and attempting to enter this world of success or death, is a surprising, but an admirable one. It shows that Kris still has a drive for business or leading, just not under his father. It makes sense to not want to inherit something you consider tainted. But still, Kris doesn't really have anything other than what he's willing to go after. Minho and i were worried since we started becoming close that Kris would fail without the connections and head start it takes to do well in this world, but oddly enough it seems that Kris is more capable than we think.

It became a suspicion a while ago that Kris may be doing something on the side, something hidden away from the private eye. Not only is he always sporting a clean, dapper appearance, he also keeps up with the latest fashions and even delegates himself to expensive tastes, such as gourmet foods and lavish goods. He's not showing off by any means, but for someone who is supposedly cut off, he's staying surprisingly one percent.

Also, Kris doesn't work, at least not in the sense of what the other boys at his fraternity do. I've never seen him do a day of manual labor since I've met him and yet he still seems like the spoiled rich heir to a top ranking network.

It's not us to pry though. That's just not the way we operate. Business is business and it's none of ours. If Kris wished to share, he'd do so.

We continue with our easy chatting, falling simply into joking and sharing with one another. It's easy with these two. They get it. They understand my world. What it means to grow up in this life.

It's what worries me the most. Yixing doesn't understand. He's never been responsible for something like what i have resting on my shoulders. He sees the cocky, entitled rich kid, but does he really see the other sides? Does he see how hard i work to hold it all together? Does he pay attention as much as i thought he did?

He spends a lot of time pushing me away and keeping me at arms length to serve his own doubts of our worlds being interchangeable, but does he realize what I'd do to accommodate him? Does he understand the distance I'd go to keep him by my side? I don't think he gives me enough consideration, and that alone bothers me more than i realized.

Needless to say, the nights I've spent with Taemin learning about what it's like to give yourself completely to someone, to submit to their will, have been a bit eye opening.

Like i said, with our world, there comes sacrifices, but they don't always have to be a bad thing. Minho is willing to give up some great opportunities to keep Taemin and clearly he's happy to make them. It makes me wonder what sacrifices I'd be willing to make if Yixing gave me a chance.

>>>>

~Yixing~

"Are you excited about tonight?" Sehun asks, watching me stretch my legs out in front of the mirrored wall. I can tell he admires the way my leg rests easily on the bar in front of me.

I chuckle and shake my head. "I can't believe Siwon is going all out like this for Baek."

Sehun arches an eyebrow. "Really? You can't?"

I think about the way Siwon dotes on his son. The way he babies Baek and never seems to be able to stay mad at him. Giving him most of anything he wants at a moments notice. It's not that Baek has never had to work for anything, but he's never hurt for it either.

"Actually, no. I can, but it's still surprising on a certain level. I mean, a giant birthday bash? He's closing the club for a whole night for Baek, just because he can." I say, laughing as my nose brushes my knee.

Sehun shrugs and glances away. "He's lucky to have a great dad. I have to say that I'm a bit envious of it, even if it is kind of absurd."

I glance at Sehun in the mirror and give him a sympathetic grimace. "You know you have a family who'd do anything for you, Kid. I'm betting Siwon would do the same for you if he knew you'd want it."

Sehun's eyes dart up to mine and hold for a second, before he looks away and nods. "Shall we practice then?"

"Hold on." Jongin says, nearly bent in half, his fingers tucked under his feet. True grace and flexibility that can only be achieved from proper conditioning at a young age. I know that Sehun and i are a bit jealous. We didn't start as early as Jongin did. "I'm still a bit sore." He says, stretching out more.

Sehun raises an eyebrow and smirks. "Soo wear you out that much?"

Jongin stands up straight and pouts at us dramatically. "He's insatiable. I thought Kai was bad, but Kyungsoo just doesn't have an off button."

Sehun snorts and doubles over. While i offer Jongin as best a pitying expression, i can. "We did warn you." I say softly.

Jongin groans and drops to the floor dramatically, stretching out his back. "I didn't think that such power and seduction would come from something that tiny and squishy. It's alarming to say the least."

I smirk at the conflicted boy and catch his eyes in the mirror. "I can always take him off your hands for you. I mean, I've been wanting a challenge."

Jongin's eyes narrow and a bit of Kai warns me in his expression. "Touch him and it'll be the last time you touch anything."

Sehun snorts again walking over to the wall where the music station is set up, and hooks up his phone to the speakers. "Look at that, Xing. I never thought I'd see the day. Kai is whipped."

Jongin stands up and glares at his best friend. "I am not whipped."

Sehun lifts an eyebrow and seems to look over Jongin's shoulder to the doors of the dance studios, and smirks devilishly. "Hey, Soo."

Jongin's eyes widen and he jumps, spinning around so fast i worry about the condition of his waist; only to find Sehun's trick and then looks like a kicked puppy for a few minutes while Sehun laughs his ass off.

I shake my head and ignore their bickering, then grab the remote off the floor in front of me, and press play without warning. The arguing stops and soon they fall in line beside me and wordlessly, seamlessly our bodies start moving on autopilot. After all, this is the best way we communicate.

>>>>

~Junmyeon~

The bass thrums down the street, pulsating the energy around the large stylish club. I've done a little research, and was surprised to find that this is one of the most popular clubs in this area. The net-worth on this club is impressive within itself, let alone how long it's been running.

I was a little surprised to find out that this particular establishment was run by Byun Baekhyun's father. It makes sense. The last time i was here was during off hours, but seeing in now, strobe lights flashing out of the numerous slivers of glass that line the building, mist seeping through every available opening, and a sort of glitter cloud that seems to surround the building. It matches the young man's personality well.

When i reach the door, an exceptionally tall man with startlingly intense eyebrows stares down and me and asks for my name. I blink up at him, surprised. I hadn't known that this was a listed night. I wonder if some sort of event is taking place.

I'm about to give up and decide that i'll just have to catch Yixing on Monday, when my name is called out behind me. I slowly turn and am met with an attractive drink of none other than Oh Sehun. He's got tight, hugging jeans on, which match well with the white t-shirt and fitted leather jacket. Yixing's close friend looks like a leather heads wet dream, and if my interests didn't lie in other places, i'd have this boy on his knees. With the little show his friend and he put on at his fraternities party, i'm sure it wouldn't take much convincing.

"It's Baekhyun's birthday party." Sehun offers as an explanation.

I nod my head once and take a step back from the man with piercing eyes and a jawline that could sculpt a diamond. "Ah, i see. Well, i don't want to intrude."

"Shut up. Come on." He motions for me to follow, and the tall, abrasive individual moves aside for the younger, eyeing me with a look of warning.

I give him a tight bow and follow Sehun into the club, instantly losing half of my senses as loud music and the smell of alcohol mixed with sweat assault me. It's everything i would expect from a club of this level, but it's not any less discombobulating.

The main area of the club itself sits in the basement of what seems to be a renovated warehouse, so when you enter the club, there's two floors of overlooking balcony's that wrap the walls, and they look down onto the bar and dance floor. It's a classic, yet smart type of design. I imagine that when it was first opened, the club was cutting edge.

Sehun leads me around the second floor to a set of stairs that lead down to the bar. I'm almost a bit dizzy from the incessantly flashing lights that appear to be coming from every corner in the large, open room. Taking a deep breath, i remember why i'd rather spend my evening going over branch reports than in a place like this, but i continue following Sehun nonetheless. It seems that Yixing is talented in pushing me from my comfort zone, even when he's not present.

I'm lead to a table at the far end of the floor, tucked into a sort of alcove away from the crowd, to give the impression of privacy, but still having access to the rest of the club. I'm certain that this would be a table for a normally important or high paying guest, but due to the special event, it doesn't seem as if the regular operations are conducting tonight.

I take my seat in the booth and Sehun gifts me another beautiful smirk. "Is there anything you want to drink? I have to go get ready for something, so i have to leave you for a bit, but i can get you something first." I shake my head and pull restlessly at a lose thread on my sweater. "Are you sure? It's all nonalcoholic, so you don't have to worry if drinking isn't your thing."

I shake my head again and habitually cross my legs. I choose not to comment about the oddity of a club holding such a large event and choosing to stay dry, but am rather curious over one thing. "I'm fine, but um... where... where is Yixing?"

Sehun's smirk deepens and there's a bit of mischief playing in his eyes. He backs away from the table without answering my question or any type of explanation and sends me a wink before turning around and disappearing into the mass of bodies hypnotically pulsating to the beat. Scoffing, i wonder if lack of explaining things could be a learned trait, because Sehun has seemed to of picked it up from a very beautiful Chinese nursing student.

I take my time to watch the crowd and observe the mass absurdity by my classmates, and even some people i don't recognize. I never realized Baekhyun had so many friends, but then again he seems to be a social guy, so it's not exactly surprising. Speaking of the birthday boy, i find him in the middle of the crowd. He seems to be permanently glued to the tall one, i believe Kris called Chanyeol. Their connection is undeniable, and somewhat admirable. They look happy lost in their own little world, holding onto one another and swaying slowly as the rest of the crowd buzzes excitedly to the rapid bass. Baekhyun seems to say something, and with Chanyeol's reply he grins brightly and grabs the other's face then brings him in for a deep kiss. The taller lifts him up and spins him around in response, clearly so deep into one another that everything else has fallen away and all that matters is the quiet words and the small touches.

It reaches something deep inside of me and i glance away before it swallows me whole. It's dangerous getting lost in ideas such as that.

"Hi, there." a voice pulls me back, startling me out of my head and snapping my attention to a man in front of me. When did he get there?

I eye the man, with his slender, yet somehow built frame. He's about my height, and is wearing a leather jacket, similar to the one Sehun had been wearing. He's cut in a pleasant way, but there's a softness to his slim, catlike eyes that gives the impression of a warm heart. He smiles at me and his eyes crinkle in a delightful way, sort of charming me in a sense. I know i like him even without having to think about it.

"Hello." i nod, and offer my hand to the man after he wordlessly asks for a seat and i give it to him without a second glance. It'll be nice to have a bit of company.

"Are you a friend of Baekhyun's?" The man asks me, seeming to access me with his eyes.

I bite at my lip momentarily and straighten my posture. "Not exactly... I'm more of an acquaintance of his. I'm here for Yixing."

The other man's eyebrows shoot up and he lets out a low whistle in response. "That's a tough one. You sure you want to go down that rabbit hole?"

I blink steadily at the other. "Is there something i should be aware of?"

The stranger shakes his head and i can almost see a sort of otherworldly wisdom swirling in his eyes. "Just that sometimes things aren't always as they seem." He gives me a pointed look and speaks with a finality that can only be resulted from years of experience. "Sometimes you have to give people a bit more credit and choose to look below the surface. People can surprise you... if you let them, that is."

For some reason the anxiety that's been swirling and wreaking havoc in my stomach for the past couple of days subsides a bit and i looks at this strange, yet curious man with a new found understanding. It seems as if a sort of language unheard by human ear passes between us, and i feel a bit humbled.

The moment is ruined however when a loud confetti cannon blasts across the room, sprinkling the dance floor in shards of colorful and sparkly matter. I flinch and close my eyes briefly in barely contained exasperation.

I hear the other's laughter twinkle, causing my eyes to open. "This isn't exactly your thing, is it?" He asks me surprisingly articulate over the music.

I nod in an exasperated sense and we share a small laugh. "Clubbing isn't your kind of thing either?" i asks him in return.

The man smiles fondly, as if reminiscent and looks down into the scotch glass he's holding, that i'm sure holds anything but, and swirls it around, probably wishing it WAS the actual thing. "It used to be." Is all the man offers and takes a deep breath.

I want to pry, but don't feel it proper to do so, nor do i get the chance when suddenly the music stops and what appears to be a stage lights up. The DJ starts jumping and getting pumped up from his booth placed on the second floor balcony, before announcing a special performance for the birthday boy. I hear a loud squeal and suddenly Baekhyun is being carried onto the stage by Chanyeol, both loudly laughing.

Baekhyun is set into a chair at the front edge of the strange and soon three dark outlines are being lifted up onto the stage from a trap door. It's all very dramatic and i chuckle a bit at it, which catches my table buddies notice and he sends me a playful eye-roll, showing that we think on the same level.

My throat dries of all humor however when a spotlight clicks on and i discover the three figures standing in the middle of the stage. Oh Sehun, Kim Jongin, and Yixing stand in position, and dressed in clothing that makes my pulse quicken. The normal work attire for the club is somewhat scandalous, but this is damn near sinful. The normal tight spandex shorts are replaced with tight black leather ones, worn on top of neon red fishnets, and thigh high, heeled boots. But the kicker is that Jongin and Sehun are wearing harness pieces that are way too familiar to be comfortable.

Jongin's harness is delicate, a leather collar wraps around his neck and has a single simple, dainty silver chain, that flows down his abdomen, hooking to his shorts, with two thin leather straps that attach to the chain and fasten around his waist and under his armpits. It's simple but gorgeous for his skin tone and body type. Plus the chain keeps catching the stage lights and glittering like a thousand diamonds across his skin. Stunning.

Sehun's is far more intricate. His collar is thicker and is made with exceedingly more leather. From the collar leads a leather strap down the center of his body, with two straps bridging off, and buckled around his long waist, making him look even leaner than he is. On top of that there are two straps around his shoulders, which i know connects to another strap that follows that shape of the spine, with a large 'O' ring sitting in the middle of his shoulder blades . Between the shoulder strap and the main one, are chains that cross and make a sort of spider 'u' shape all the way down to kiss his rib cage. The strap around his waist has two more straps that bind behind his back and connect to the 'O' ring, and the strap around the top of his hips also have two straps that follow the main strap into his shorts, and connecting to it making a 'V' shape. That's the main difference of harnesses. Jongin's connects to his shorts, but this particular harness that Sehun is wearing connects somewhere else. The back strap, and the front strap connect in the front by another 'O' ring, that fits snugly around the wearer's cock.

It's startling to say the least that these boys are wearing these, because they belong to a particular line, (which happens to be one of my personal favorites) of The Master's. I've studies these harnesses by every little detail when I've seen them on people at conventions and meetups, and i even bought the one that Jongin is wearing for Wonho right after the launch of the line. I was obsessed with the edgy line, and even accumulated an affinity of leather for a while... it was also the last full line that The Master came out with before he went silent. I've been hearing stirrings of him making plans for a new launch, which makes sense due to The Master's ever growing popularity in our community, but it never even in my wildest dreams would have expected to see this type of representation here of all places. One i could have overlooked and thought of it as circumstantial, but this is too much.

This means that someone has deliberately went to the website and bought these pieces, it means that someone in Yixing's group of friends knows of my world, and that's almost bone chilling. I want to suspect Kyungsoo, but i can't seem to wrap my head around how natural and comfortable Yixing looks up there standing next to these two boys. I'm almost disappointed that he himself isn't graced in another of the line's pieces, but then the music starts and Yixing's hands shoot forward showing that his hands are covered in fingerless leather gloves, and in his hands he holds two chain leashes, one trailing to Jongin and the other to Sehun. I forget to breathe.

I had speculated that Yixing could tangle in my world, that Yixing wasn't as innocent and pure as i thought at first, but this... this just takes on a whole new level. He doesn't just know about my world, he thrives in it. I watch the man before me, a man i thought to be of heaven, present himself to the devil with a smirk and gods i want him. He doesn't just fit into my lifestyle, he relishes it's darkness, judging by a particularly hard yank of the leash, that sends Jongin to the floor, who proceeds to crawl up Yixing's leg and plead with his eyes. Yixing grips his jaw between powerful fingers before smashing their lips together, then kicking him back to the floor. It's a sinful image, one that has my pants fitting a bit tighter.

The music takes on a slow sensual, almost hypnotic beat, and they fall into sync. They dance, body rolls, grinding, rude expressions and all. It's fascinating and i just can't look away. That's my Yixing up there, but it's also not. That's someone else entirely. Someone who's confident, demanding, and dare i say sexy as hell. Something kicks in my lower stomach and it catches me so off guard that i feel as if i had been punched.

The song crests and they end in a scandalizing pose, before the crowed erupts, and the three boys are crushed into Baekhyun's arms. It forces me out of my trance, and i swallow hard looking away before i'm captured again by this stranger on the stage.

Taking a deep breath i scoot out of the booth and nod to my friend across the table, who gives me a confused look, but just nods and lets me go. I force my feet across the club floor, and as i'm mounting the stairs i feel eyes on me, demanding me to face them. When i find Yixing's eyes across the room, i feel trapped, i feel paralyzed, like a field mouse caught in the eyes of a cobra. There's something wild and terrifying in those eyes, but another kick in my stomach, one that leaves me breathless snaps me out of it. I have never moved faster in my life.

I take a deep heaving breath the second i'm back on the street, the cooler air of a late spring night clearing my head. Behind me the bass still reverberates onto the street, curling around the people walking by and beckoning them inside, daring them to take a peek. I haven't felt like this since the first time I've walked into a dungeon as a young man. Back then it felt the same: I was scared shitless, confused as hell, but also like i was on the cusp of something truly amazing.

*****

"So, you nearly busted a nut at the sight of your favorite person clearly indulging in your lifestyle, and you...ran... away?" Wonho asks, lifting a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at me, mockingly.

I narrow my eyes at the man and huff out at his absurdity. "It was a new feeling to me, Wonho. I'm sure it comes naturally to you, but to someone like me, it's not as easy."

Wonho snorts and we take one more step forward in the line. "No it's fucking not. I have to fight myself every time until i feel that natural inclination. Anyone who says submitting is easy, is fucking lying." I give the other a look and he at least has the decency to look apologetic. "I'm just saying, Suho, that everyone has a little fight with themselves. Sometimes it's easier than others, but sometimes it's really terrifying and hard to submit."

I sigh and nod my head. I get what he's saying. Taemin had talked about the moments before subspace took over. I got that the natural inclination to submit doesn't always come easy, but it's another thing to feel it. Last night i wanted to give Yixing everything. I wanted to submit to him and drop to my knees at his feet, but i fought it. I ran out of that club before i could even question what i was feeling.

"I just hope i haven't ruined things with Yixing. I wanted to prove to him that i could bend. That i could compromise, but the second i was faced with the perfect opportunity to give him some of the power, i backed out." i say, nearly ashamed of my actions.

"Well... does it mean enough to you to try again? Does HE mean enough to prove yourself? I doubt Yixing would ever ask for your submission, Suho." Wonho says, handing the staff his badge. They smile at his familiar face and hand it back to him.

I shake my head and hand the woman my badge. "I used to think that too, but something about the look in his eyes last night made me question things. I think that's what scared me so much, that up until that point, it was all symbolic and hypothetical. When Yixing's eyes locked with mine, i saw what he wanted. I saw how much he wanted me on my knees, as much as i wanted to be there."

The woman hands me my badge back and smirks deeply, clearly overhearing my words. I send her a wink and we move on into the event center. Today we're attending a small, localized convention. Not anywhere near the size of the other one, but still decently populated. Wonho had talked me into it last week, even though i really didn't feel like coming today. He had heard of a special event taking place tonight, so i decided to indulge him and go along with it. Even if he's a pain in my hindquarters, he still has decent advice.

"So why are you fighting it?" Wonho asks, of course finding the food table.

I chuckle and shake my head at his ridiculousness. "Actually, i really don't know. I just... i felt very unsure and... i don't know."

Wonho smirks at me and straightens up to look at me properly. "There's something else, isn't there?"

I fiddle with the lanyard around my neck and glace away from his scrutinizing gaze. "Why would there be anything else? Am i not aloud to hesitate? Am i not aloud to second guess?"

Wonho appraises me, his stupid smirk still shinning even in my peripherals. "I know you, Suho. You would have never gone this far for just another notch in your dungeon. Yixing is different. You have no interest in just simply playing with him, do you?"

I swallow the sudden lump and turn my head back to lock eyes. "What are you implying?"

Wonho rolls his eyes and a sudden serious look enters his eyes. "Think about it. The reason i left is because i wanted more, but you refused. You told me that arms length is all anyone is aloud to get. You never let anyone get close enough to feel comfortable and if they do, you discard them." Wonho takes a stabilizing breath. I hadn't know he felt that way, then again... i guess i hadn't really cared at the time. "You would have scoffed at the very idea of submitting to anyone when we had our arrangement. You would have blackened my ass for just suggesting it. And yet here you are, bending over backwards and bowing for a guy who you really haven't even gotten a change to know fully. There has to be more to this than wanting to keep him. You care about him, Suho. You don't want to own him, you want a relationship with him."

"I don't d-"

"Do relationships, i know, but Suho... You want one with Yixing. You want more than just a sub. Why would you go through all of this learning to submit nonsense of you wanted him to submit to YOU? You want to prove yourself to him. You want him to see you as more. You want him to love you, and dominating or submitting is the only way you know how to love." Woho explains, and i'm left feeling raw, feeling exposed.

I open my mouth to say something, but a loud voice pulls my attention away from Wonho, who's looking at me as if I've grown another head. And maybe i have. A head of my own. A head that is able to think of relations between people being about more than just power and control. One that wants something I've never dared to before.

"We have a special performance tonight, about to take place in the lecture hall, so please make your way there for a treat." The woman shouts over the crowd prompting a sea of people to begin moving to the large room.

Wonho still looks at me like he's afraid i'm going to break, but takes my hand and pulls me into the direction along with everyone else. The room is packed, and we manage to find a corner to tuck into where we can see the demonstration stage. I take a deep breath and force everything to the background. Despite being mixed up with how i'm feeling, this is still my constant. This world still centers me.

I notice the stage and take in stock the objects placed around it. I notice a few things the look familiar, but some that seem to be new, which is odd. I tend to consider myself to be a product expert in the BDSM scene to the extent of being approached to do classes on toys, accessories, and products which are good for different levels. I even have a well known page on one of the kinky websites, where i get hundreds of questions a day asking me about what is new, best, or edgy in the scene. It's one of the reasons why The Master fascinated me so much, even from a young age. Before him there was a lack of functionality mixed with aesthetic. When he came on the scene it was new, fresh, exciting. Now companies, small business, even major corporations aspire to reach his level. No one comes close though. Either quality or functionality is lost in effort to mass produce or to cut cost. The Master is just so consistent. I kind of need that in my life right now.

Which is why my heart pounds when the lights drop, and the familiar, rhythmic beating of a drum fills the room. Murmurs, squeals of delight, and even some cheers filter through the small space and i competently understand how they feel. I feel like a teenage being surprised with a visit by their favorite performer. Or well... maybe my second favorite now.

I gape at myself and have to look down, blinking away the sudden assault of shock. Did i really just say that? The Master is so important to me. The man has shaped who i am in this world. He gave me aspirations and ideas. Have i really put him in second because of Yixing?

When the black robed figure comes out onto the stage, and my chest doesn't bubble quiet to the extent it used to, i know the truth. Nevertheless i refuse to let this pass me by, and i still idolize The Master, so i once again push Yixing to the back burner and focus on my god, for which i am in his temple now.

...

"That was even better than i expected." Wohon says, his eyes sparkly with excitement.

My eyes widen. "You knew?"

Wonho winces at my chastising tone. "I have a friend on the coordinating committee. I wanted to surprise you."

I move forward to scold the man, because i really hate surprises. I could have worn my nicer suit if i had known the man would be here. But i don't get the chance when a man dressed in all back approaches me. I've never seen him before and usually i know most of the people who attend these events.

"Are you Suho?" the mas asks softly.

I nod and straighten up. "I am."

The man nods and bows to me in greeting. "I'm one of The Master's assistants. The master has heard of your affinity for his products and he has requested that you join him in a private room."

My heart stops and i glance over at Wonho to see his stunned face, but he recovers quickly and motions for me to move. I swallow my sudden nervousness and nod, allowing the man to lead me towards a back room away from the regular convention.

I enter a small room, which seems to have currently been turned into a sort of dressing room. It's very tidy considering the amount of things packed into the room. I notice them as a few things from The Master's line, as well as a few new things he demonstrated tonight. I'm hoping this is hinting at the possibility of there being a new line soon. My fingers run over a black flogger, edged in lace, with almost Victorian designs carved down the neck and then the handle. The handle has little skulls and roses etched into the wood, and i pray to the gods that there is a Gothic romanticism theme in the future.

"Do you like it?" A deep, husky voice says behind me.

I spin around and am greeted by none other than the cloaked figure of The Master. His face is still shrouded by the hood, but that doesn't mean he's any less dominating and captivating. He stands a full two heads over me, nearly the same height of Kris and it's intimidating to say the least. His presence just demands my attention and i have to force myself to breathe.

"It's beautiful." I say lowly.

The Master nods and moves gracefully across the room, his hands behind his back. This close i notice little embellishments and swirling designs, not too different than the one on the flogger. "I wanted to pick your brain a bit. We're on the cusp on launching another theme and that's a prototype. You seemed like the best person to go to. I've noticed you for a while now. You are extremely knowledgeable about these things and seems to have a good idea for quality. I like that."

I step forward, causing the master to tilt his head in my direction and i falter in my confidence. "I-If the other things are anything close to this, it'll be stunning. I'll be sure to pre-order."

The Master chuckles and it makes a shiver go up my spine. It's so low and raspy, unlike anything I've ever heard. I briefly wonder how old The Master is. How long he had to have been in this lifestyle to be this enigmatic. I aspire to be on his level. I wish to be just like this man.

"How could you say that, when you haven't even tried it out. You should experience it first." The master says calmly, as if he were talking about the weather.

I blink at the cloaked man and nod a bit dazed. "Okay, i can go get my friend, i'm sure he'd be glad to volunteer."

The Master is already shaking his head, even before i finish. "I meant on you. If you'd be willing, i could show you how it's properly used."

My heart stills at his words. The Master wants me to Sub for him. It's everything i could have ever dreamed of, but for some reason, my stomach churns at the idea. I want more than anything to drop to my knees for a man who is literally my role model, but i just can't, and the name of the reason why, sits heavy on my tongue.

"I'm sorry, i can't." i say before i'm even thinking about it and no one is more shocked then me.

"Are you not willing to sub?" The Master asks, almost sounding disappointed.

I shake my head and realize that i am in fact willing to sub, but for one person and one person only. Wonho is right. Yixing is my exception. He isn't someone i want to play with. He's not someone i desire to collect. I care about Yixing. I want to show him everything i can be. Everything he thinks i'm not. I want to prove that i can be the right person for him, and to do that i have forced myself to become something I'm not willing to become for anyone else. it was never about submitting, but about showing Yixing that i'm willing to give up the most important thing in my life: Power.

"I am, but only for one person." I explain.

"Oh? Someone special?" The Master asks.

"Yes, i care about him a lot... i might even lo..." i pause and clear my throat. "He's my exception and i feel like i must remain loyal to him."

The Master nods and i swear i hear a regretful sigh. "So you already have a Dominant, then. Did he come here with you?"

I cringe and rub at the back of my neck sheepishly. "Actually, i don't even know if he's willing to be a Dominant. I don't even know how much of this lifestyle he knows. Hell, i'm not even sure about how much of HIM, i know. I've never really gotten the chance to properly talk to him or even understand him."

"So you're choosing someone you barely know, over a chance to be with someone you idolize so much?" The Master asks, the disbelief heavy in his voice, but it's not exactly in a judging way.

It hits me like a ton of brinks. I don't even have the time to fully consider it, because it's so obvious. Yes, i choose Yixing. I choose the person who is both an angel and a demon. I choose the person who's mind is just as brilliant as his soul. I choose the person who follows me wherever i go, because he just wants to feel me near.

"Yes, i choose him, but you're wrong. I do know him. I know that he feels pain when he sees someone struggle, because he's so empathetic everyone's hurt is also his own. I know that he spends way too much time stressing himself out in school to be perfect when he already is. I know that he'd do anything for his friends and he loves them as if they were family. I know he'd never hurt a soul and he is literally the good in this world. But i also know that Yixing is the sexiest, strongest, most daring person I've ever met. There's so many sides to him, and i may not know them all, but gods, i want to." I say, lifting my head and staring at the man before me.

The Master seems to contemplate this and i see his robe move with a large breath he takes in and releases it. He hastily takes a step towards me. "Okay, then. Prove it."

"Excuse me?" i ask, in confusion.

The Master nods, then reaches up and grasps at the edge of his hood, throwing it back without giving me time to think.

My stomach clenches and my legs give out forcing me to my knees. "Yixing?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! i know you've been waiting for the SuLay, so here it is. You're welcome, and please don't kill me!! 
> 
> I decided to give you guys a little gift, of an update to celebrate the beloved comeback of our amazing kings!! Praise "Don't mess up my tempo!" It's so good and if you haven't go watch it. Support my babies!!
> 
> Not much i can really tell you guys without spoiling secrets. I know most of the chapter is in Suho's point of view, but I just love writing Junmyeon so much because i can pull out all of my fancy terminology without it feeling uncharacteristic. I love his mind. It's almost as comfortable to write as Kyungsoo's is.
> 
> I'm going to try to get a few more projects out for you guys, so maybe be looking forward to that. I promise i'll get back to SuLay as quick as i can to resolve this, so hold tight, lovelies. See you next chapter. HunHan is next.
> 
> Kisses!
> 
> 사랑해
> 
> ~M~


	35. Where do we go from here (HunHan)

~Sehun~

My shoes make an echoed thumping sound against the porch in the early morning air. I wince at how deafening the silence surrounding the house is, like ghosts waiting in the shadows to destroy any that dares to disturb them. Ghosts of words that shouldn't have been said, of hearts that got broken, and of relationships damaged in the current.

This house for the first time since i moved here, doesn't feel welcoming. It doesn't feel like my normal oasis. It just feels like a giant hand pressing against my chest, refusing to let my lungs fill all the way.

I sigh deeply and open the door. It isn't even locked... gods only know what happened after i left last night. I'm just praying they didn't kill each other.

Inside, it's nearly empty and silent. No loud music blaring from Chanyeol or Baekhyun's rooms. No playful banter or quarrels expressed throughout the halls. No ridiculous American movie being played in the living room. It just feels vacant.

My heart drops and tears fill my eyes. 

Trash covers the floors; cups, cans, random pieces of gods knows what, food, and more scattered across my happy place. My home. My safe place... we destroyed it.

"Sehun?" Comes a familiar voice to my left as they rush into the room. It sounds panicked, yet sort of relieved.

"What happened?" I ask, refusing to look at him. 

Yixing sighs and comes closer, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Hunnie."

I glance over at Yixing for the first time, his lips parting when he sees the expression on my face. "We broke it, didn't we?"

Without saying a word, his eyes drop and i can tell that he really can't argue. The truth lies in his silence; the answers etching into the floor where his gaze rests. 

"I ... i can't lose my family again, Xing. I can't go through that again." I say, the evident tremble in my words.

Yixing's hand rubs down my arm and grabs my hand. "Sehun, no. Don't even thi-"

"Sehun." Comes the other voice i expected as Tao rushes down the stairs, cutting off whatever words of comfort Yixing was about to offer me. "Where the fuck have you been?"

"Tao" Yixing warns, his own tone sounding a little choked. Forever and empath.

Tao shakes his head and finally stops in front of me, giving me a look. "Where have you been? You disappeared. No call. No word to a single person before you left. Nothing." He yells, his voice raising in octave with each word.

Any sense of longing and heartbreak quickly fades and soon I'm just left with irritation. This bullshit started with Tao and he has the audacity to try and go protective Hyung mode on me? Nope. Not having it.

The floor boards creek and I glance up and find Kris and Chanyeol peeking around the corner of the upstairs hallway. They give me a half smile and a nod. I roll my eyes and clench my jaw. Kris winces and probably adds me to the list of people who are pissed at him.

I'm not mad at Kris, just irritated. They are acting like children and I'm over this. I won't live in a broken family, not again. I really wish i hadn't left Luhan's bed this morning, but that won't fix anything. I can't believe I'm the youngest of these idiots.

On the other side of the stairs, i watch Kyungsoo pop out, looking slightly confused and dazed like he just woke up. It's almost cute, except for the brand T-shirt he's wearing that says "kneel" across the front. I almost snort at how fitting it is for him.

"We should clean up before Chen and Minseok get home. Start with the alcohol cans and bottles." I says, taking off my jacket.

Yixing squeaks and goes for my hand as soon as he sees the bandaging. I internally roll my eyes having completly forgotten about it until now. The pain pulls up my arm and i grit my teeth through the onslaught of pain i had subconsciously pushed down. Yixing takes a minute to admire the thorough work Luhan did, but observes it closely. I know he'll tell me the same thing as Luhan did, but i want to get these idiots on a single goal first. Clean up the physical before the emotional.

I watch as Kris and Chanyeol descend the stairs, heading for the hall closet with the cleaning supplies and discussing who gets where to start off. It's nice to see that at least a few people in this house have the same mind that i do.

Oddly enough, Kyungsoo has disappeared. Usually he's the first to jump into cleaning and organizing. I don't have time to think about it though, because mama bear refuses to be ignored.

"Not so fast, look at me." Tao calls for my attention.

Yixing and i release a collective sigh as he begins unwrapping my bandage. "Tao, not now."

Tao grumbles and steps closer to me. "Sehun, yes now. Where..." another step closer. "Why do you smell like?... Sehun... where were you?" He asks, stepping closer, finally finding the marks on my clavicles and neck.

I groan and ignore the surprised gasp from Yixing at my side. I wonder if my hand is that bad? "I was at Luhan's, fucking him into his mattress. Happy? Now, please get to cleaning while Yixing takes me to the hospital. I don't want any more problems for this family. This weekend has done enough."

My hand, now uncovered looks far worse than i thought it would. It's dark and gross looking. Probably fractured. It hurts like hell and i wince as another wave of pain travels up my arm. I'm about to ask Yixing if he can get me anything for it when i notice something.

The sound of silence greets me, if you discount the sounds of a broom and swifter hitting the floor moments before. I glance up to find everyone staring at me in shock. Even Kyungsoo who's now back at the top of the stairs, with a sleepy looking Jongin next to him.

Our eyes lock. Recognition hits and then i see the familiar wave of regret and guilt sweep his features. His face pinches and my chest aches. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to be left with the aftermath. His black eye stares at me, reminding me just how much he doesn't deserve this.

"You... you're not a virgin anymore?" Tao asks, his face looking almost distraught.

I take a deep breath. "Tao."

"You're just a baby. He's almost as old as Kris. What the hell?" Tao screeches. 

"Jesus." I says, reaching out and grabbing my best friends arm and shaking him a bit. "Tao, I'm almost as old as you. Stop thinking of me as an innocent little baby. I had sex with the guy I'm in love with all night and it was amazing."

Tao's face softens a great deal. "In love with?"

I smile softly and nod. "I have been for a while and he admitted that he likes me, and we're happy. No we don't know where we're going from here, but I'm happy and i don't regret any of it."

My best friend breathes out a soft breath like he'd been expecting this for a while and smiles. "Okay. Congrats... i guess."

Kris chuckles across the room, causing Tao to tense. "My little boy is a man now."

My eyes narrow. "My mental development or societal status isn't determined by my loss of virginity."

Another laugh follows. "Look at my son, using his big words now."

I scoff and shake my head. "Fuck off."

He leaves me with another laugh and walks into the kitchen with a trash-bag in hand. Chanyeol follows him, looking slightly less miserable than before. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. Maybe we all just need a little time.

Suddenly my left hand is grabbed and lifted up before two pills are being dropped onto my palm. I realize that Yixing had left and i didn't even notice. No wonder he was able to stalk a guy for as long as he did. I send a thankful nod to him and accept the cup Tao hands me, downing the pills quickly.

"We should get you to the hospital." Tao says, concern heavy in his eyes now.

I nod slightly, but then i look up and i know i still need to fix something else. "We will, but first... Jongin."

Jongin's head shoots up from where it had dropped and i see tracks already formed down his cheeks. I'm halfway to the stairs before i realize it and Jongin meets me at the bottom. We stare for a few second and can't help our eyes drifting to our mutual injuries. I want to hide my hand behind my back. Hide it from his knowing eyes. I want to take away every bit of pain and guilt he's feeling over this. 

"This isn't your fault. I don't blame you. I forgive you. I'm sorry." i say, pressing my good hand to the side of his face.

"Please." His voice breaks. "Don't. It makes it worse. I don't deserve it."

"Exactly. You don't deserve it. You don't deserve any of it. It's not your fault, Nini." I say, gripping his head a little roughly like i want to push some sense into the boy.

Jongin answers me in the form of a sputtered cry and i pull him to my chest. His arms instantly fold around me, grasping at my shirt desperately, and sobbing apologies into my neck. I hold him as tightly as i can, until his body stops trembling and he takes proper breaths.

My best friend. My Jongin. I wish you could see yourself as i see you.

"I love you." I say, smoothing circles over his back, as he cradles my injured hand to his chest so gently i could cry. It hurts, but i'd stay here all day if he refused to let go.

Jongin's lip trembles and he looks up into my eyes. "I love you, too."

He leans in and presses a kiss to my lips. It's simple, sweet. Platonic, as it's always been with us. What Jongin and i have goes beyond friendship. He's my soulmate. Always meant to be by my side. I'd die for him without a second thought, and i know without a doubt he'd do the same for me.

"You should go get this taken care of." Jongin says, releasing my hand with a small butterfly kiss to the darkest part.

I nod and the hyungs are by my side in a second, helping me into my jacket and ushering me towards the door. Outside the air feels different than it did when i first got home. It's not as heavy. It feels less tense. Not resolved, but it holds a sense of optimism. We're a family through and through. Some days i forget that. We fight. We crack. We cry and hurt. But we don't break. I was wrong before. We're not broken, just a little bruised.

"All night?" Yixing asks me when we get to Kris' car.

I smirk a bit and feel a bit of smugness push through my chest. "I made him cum so many times he cried."

Yixing's smirk mirrors mine and pats my shoulder. "Impressive."

I hear Tao groan and starts ranting at Yixing over how i'm still young and don't need to be encouraged over such things. As they bicker while we head down the road, i find myself smiling out the window. 

The great thing about bruises is with a little time and care, they heal.

>>>>

Another ping sounds off through the room causing Jongin to look over at me with raised eyebrows and an expression that reads "really?" It's the same look he's been giving me for the last hour every time my phone goes off. I sigh and choose to ignore it and focus on the movie Jongin and i are currently supposed to be watching.

A whirling sound meets us soon after and i don't even have to look at Jongin to know what his stupid face looks like. "Don't sa-"

"Just fucking answer him." Jongin says, leaning down and pressing pause on our movie.

I sigh again and shake my head. "You're more important."

Jongin groans. "I'm not having a mental breakdown. I'm a little soft and bruised, but i'm fine. Everybody needs to quit babying me. I don't relish in it like you do. It's suffocating."

A challenging smirk curls my lips. "Even if it was Soo?"

Jongin rolls his eyes and deflates a little. "Don't even act like you don't feel like a precious little bunny when Kyungsoo gives you attention."

I shrug and tilt my head knowing he's right. We're all soft for Soo.

The whirling stops and i release a breath i hadn't known i was holding. It's not like i want to intentionally ignore Luhan, it's just... i have some heavy things on my mind and i want to sort them out before i talk to him. Everything had happened so fast the other day and something is just weighing heavy in my heart.

I guess coming home the other morning kind of put it in perspective for me. I was so scared and heartbroken over the idea that I could have lost my family, it made me see how much we've fought for. How much we've put in the line to be true to who we are. I got kicked out of my house when i was so young. I battled through some awful identity and depression issues. I had someone i was ready to give all of myself to hide me away like i was a dark stain on his tie. 

I've been through some rough things to get to this point and the last part especially made me think. Luhan is still in the closet and i'm not sure i can accept having to hide our relationship. I'm not sure if i can do that after everything I've been through to feel worthy of being myself.

I love Luhan, but is it wrong to say that i love me more? I know how hard it is to be real with yourself. I know how hard it is to realize your path and embrace who you are, but i did. It was one of the hardest things i've ever faced, but i did it. I accepted myself and i learned to love every part of me that i was trained for so long to hate. I worked too damn hard to be thrown back into the closet. To be someone dirty little secret again. 

Jongin reaches over and takes my hand, petting gently over the cast and cradling it in his lap like he has magical powers and the contact will help me heal faster. 

I stifle a chuckle at my best friend knowing it makes him feel better and i'll do anything to settle his guilt a bit. Jongin's the other reason I've been a bit distant from everyone else. For the past couple of days, Jongin has been glued to my side other than the times we have to go to class. We eat, nap, even bathe together. Say what you will about boundaries, but it's actually nice to take a bath with your best bro... Also i need help with the cast, but that's beside the point. 

Jongin has been stuck to my side like Baekhyun and Yixing last year when they fell asleep at a party and woke up with their hands glued together. They stayed like that for three days, it was hilarious until i walked on on Baekhyun taking a dump while Yixing was showering. That was a whole new level of bro love. (Baekhyun failed to mention that he knew how to separate them immediately, because he really liked the bonding time with Yixing. I think that was the true start of their friendship.) I kind of get it now.

I don't mind. One of the reasons Jongin and i are so close is because we get each other. We work almost like a system, one gear doesn't turn without the other. It's nice having Jongin so close and i feel that it's really helping him. I feel like i'm proving that Kai doesn't break everything and not everyone will leave him. We're all in this together, even after Kai tries to destroy everything. 

I can see Kai's point, even if he was out of line. He knew how important Kris and Kyungsoo's relationship was. He knew how much Kyungsoo looked up to Kris, so by hurting two of Kyungsoo's best friends, Chanyeol and Kris, then he'd in turn get Soo to hate him. He'd successfully push away the one person who's made it so far past his defenses that he's practically opened the door. Kai severely underestimated Soo, though. I can tell by the way they look at each other, lingering in the same place, wondering glances, and late night sneaking up the stairs. I've caught Jongin once or twice even though he thinks he's sly. It's getting ridiculous.

I fixed one broken relationship... sort of. At least Tao and Kris are talking, now i need Jongin and Soo to stop skirting around one another. I make a mental note to give Kyungsoo a pointer or two on how to deal with Jongin, and turn back to the movie. My head hurts from the stress of these idiots i call my family.

With a huff, i angle my body and fall sideways, landing on Jongin. He squeaks, but quickly adjusts himself so i can lay in his lap comfortably, and shoves his fingers into my hair. My eyes nearly roll back into my head at how good it feels to have his blunt nails scratching against my scalp. I could fall asleep like this, and i almost do except the whirling starts up again.

Jongin groans and leans forward almost knocking me to the floor, grabbing my phone. I jolt trying to sit up and take it from him, but he wraps a surprisingly strong arm around my waist and keeps me in place. His eyes flicker with a dangerous edge before he presses the green button.

"Luhan, hey. This is Jongin" Jongin greets happily. I grit my teeth and he presses his fingers into my sides causing my body to jolt once again. "Sehun?" Jongin asks, "No, he's kind of busy. He's been on NiNi duty." A pause. "Oh, Nini is something the guys call me. They always assign someone to me when they all think i'm on the verge of a mental breakdown to watch me and keep me away from sharp objects."

I roll my eyes and reach up trying to get my phone back, but Jongin slaps my hand away before he realizes what he just did and grabs my casted hand and places a small kiss to my knuckles in an apology. "Jongin, give me the phone." i mouth, and he chuckles.

"Sorry, Luhan. I'll tell him that you called. Yup, byes." He practically sings and hangs up.

"Why did you do that? I thought you wanted me to talk to him?" I ask, sagging back down onto Jongin's lap.

Jongin breaths and his fingers find their way to my hair again. "I do, but clearly you need some time and i just bought it for you, so take your time thinking about what you need to. I doubt he's going to wait for very long though. Try to work quickly."

I hum and adjust my cheek against his thigh, once again thankful for Jongin. He just gets it. Always has. "Do you want to talk about it?"

A sigh pulls from my lips. "I'm tired of talking, i just want to exist for a while without thinking about everything so deeply."

Jongin leans forward so i can see his face and he smiles that stupid, dorky Jongin smile. "Why didn't you say so? lazy, numb, mindlessness is my specialty."

I snort and rub my chin into his thigh prompting a yelp from him, as he digs his fingers into my side. Maybe he has a point. Doing random, stupid things with Jongin has always been one of my favorite distractions.

>>>>>

~Luhan~

The melodic and mellow vocals of Ed Sheeran wrap around my folded up form as i sit with my knees hugged to my chest and rest my head on the tops of them. My eyes watch the screen of my phone with an anxious feeling tugging at my chest.

I've never felt like this before. I've never felt this helpless, desperate need to have someone next to me. My whole life has spent guarded and closed off from anyone who could possibly hurt me. For years i didn't even attempt to get close to anyone. Sex is easy when there's no emotions attached, but the other night meant something. Being with Sehun meant something.

There's no way i can deny my feelings for Sehun anymore. There's no way i can even pretend that i didn't give him the last bit of my heart when we fucked the other night. Being all in for the first time in my life is terrifying and i'm honestly not sure how the brat managed to swindle his way into the deepest depths of me, but he did.

Which is why i feel so hallow and distressed. I haven't seen him in almost a week. A few texts or a message/pictures on social media here and there just feels so empty compared to how heavily Sehun merged himself into my life. The kid pushed so hard at my walls that the locks broke and once he made his way inside i was content to keep him there. So why isn't he here? Where did he go?

I can't help but wonder if i have done something wrong. If i made a mistake that made him run. Or... or... if maybe he got what he wanted and no longer has a need for me.

My arms tighten further around me and my fingers tremble. He wouldn't do that. Sehun not like that... right? "Oh Sehun, please don't be the first boy to break my heart."

I'm used to being used and taken advantage of, hell a part of me even enjoyed it, but it was always straight forward. They always made it clear what they wanted and never enchanted me with the idea of there being anything more than what it was. Sehun promised me things. Whispered words of love and safety. Sehun gave my heart a home and i really don't want to go back out into the cold.

For the first time i want to live my life being who i am. For the first time i don't feel scared or worried about what will happen to me. Sehun didn't just push himself inside my heart, he brought his family too. Those boys who are so quickly becoming my family as well. I honestly feel that everything will be okay from here and that security, that comfort is the only thing that's keeping me together right now. I know what kind of people they are and they wouldn't just leave me to break apart, but then again every coin has two faces.

"Oh god, it's even worse than i thought." Amy's voice shatters my inner dread and i release a sigh at her slightly raspy high pitched tone. I blame myself for giving her a spare key.

"He's playing Ed. It's definitely time for an intervention." Comes another voice i'm surprised to hear, but it's far more welcome than my cousins. 

I look up and lift my arms out. "Amber." i whine.

Amber sniffles dramatically and rushes across my room, pulling me into her arms. "My baby, Lulu." Amber gives the best hugs. They never fail to make you feel safe and comforted.

"Yeah, love you too." Amy growls, offended by her own ignored presence. She walks into my room, closing the door and begins to shuffle through my things as she always does. Nosy bitch.

I snuggle further into Amber's embrace. "You brought, Amber. You know you're no longer important."

Amy rolls her eyes and turns to us, crossing her arms. "She's my best friend, asshole." 

Amber and i continue to ignore Amy, causing her to sigh in defeat. "Whatever, this is about you."

I give up and finally full away from the short haired woman next to me. Amber keeps hold of my hand much to my appreciation. "What about me?"

"You've been wallowing. Even when you go to class. Your cloths look disheveled. Your eyes are full force panda. And you're even rocking that poor excuse for a mustache. It's pitiful and i'm here to stop it." Amy says in the similar nagging tone my mother has.

I groan and roll onto my side, curing into a ball with my head pillowed on Amber's thigh. "leave me to wallow."

Amber chuckles and pets my hair. "Have you tried talking to him?"

I nod. "Constantly. I've sent him a million texts and called him a bunch. His best friend picked up the last time i called and told me he was busy, but i just feel that something is wrong... plus..."

"Plus what?" Amber asks.

I pout and shut my eyes. "I miss him." i complain loudly.

Amy scoffs and shakes her head. "How anyone could ever be convince you're straight?"

Amber snorts and pats my shoulder when my pout deepens. "Fuck you guys." i grumble.

"Have you tried to just go see him?" Amy asks keeping that 'no bullshit' look on her face.

I shake my head and advert my gaze from her prying one. "I don't want to bother him. I don't want to seem too needy or clingy."

Amy stares at me until i look back up, confused by her silence. "And men like to argue that they are the more simple ones when it comes to relationships." She says.

Without thinking i release a pathetic whimper and Amber's fingers gently scratch at my scalp in sympathy. "Be nice to me. My tummy hurts."

"Because you've been wallowing in self pity and overthinking the fuck out of everything instead of acting like a grown up and going at talking to your boyfriend." Amy points out quite loudly.

I groan and wrap my arms around myself. "He's not even my boyfriend." I say with a pathetic sounding sigh.

Amy's eyes soften and she drops her arms. "And women aren't taken seriously because they are too irrational and emotional."

"Amy." Amber calls softly and i watch my cousin's eyes soften even further.

"Fine, but if we're going to do this, we're going to do this right. Come on." Amy says stepping forward taking my arm and pulling me up and off my bed.

 

"Where are we going?" i ask in a protested groan.

Amy laughs and shakes her head at Amber, prompting her best friend to roll her eyes as if i'm the ridiculous one in this situation. They both answer in a creepy synchronization that sends a slight shiver up my spine. "Ice cream." 

....

 

~Sehun~

"Milk or cookies and cream?" Jongin asks holding up two bars of chocolate.

I raise an eyebrow and Jongin nods, snorting as he drops both into the basket. Jongin marches off again, disappearing around the corner and i roll my eyes. I go back to eyeing the gram crackers, wondering if i should use the honey or plain ones. Jongdae sent very strict instructions not to get too much junk food, but are the honey gram crackers considered worse than the regular ones? Why does adulting have to be so hard?

Jongin comes back and dumps at least three different kinds of chips into the cart and my eyes narrow. "Jongin, really?"

The other chuckles and his eyes sparkle with that puppy like excitement. "Kris gave me his credit card."

I sigh and drop the honey gram crackers into the basket. "Go find queso and salsa then."

Jongin cackles and reaches into his hoodie pockets producing two jars. "Dude, come on."

I nod remembering just how similar we are, especially when it comes to snacks. "Lets go find the stuff Soo asked for then, he promised me a meal and i'm not missing out on it."

With a hurried agreeance, Jongin takes the lead in search of Kyungsoo's requested items. We round the corner and Jongin's feet slide across the floor, as his body moves to a beat only he can hear and i almost miss the two people at the other end of the isle.

I flail momentarily and shuffle back so i'm hidden around the corner and peek back down the isle. Luckily Jongin is my shadow and we are always in sync because he's beside me in a heartbeat. 

"What is he doing here?" Jongin hisses.

I roll my eyes and slowly look over my best friend. "It's a grocery store, Jongin. What do you think people do at a grocery store?"

Jongin winces and looks a little sheepish as we both shift our gazes back to the other end at none other than Luhan and Amy, along with a short haired girl who all seem to be in deep conversation. They lean close to one another and Amy pats Luhan's shoulder in what appears to be sympathy. 

My chest tugs that he might be going through a hard time because of me. I hate that i'm kind of blowing him off, but I just don't know what to do. I've worked so hard to not have to hide myself away and i love Luhan. I want to show him off to the world. I want to be openly proud that i convinced a beautiful, amazing person to want me as much as i do him. I don't know if Luhan is ready for that.

"He doesn't look so good, Hunnie." Jongin says in his soft voice, the one he reserves for animals and babies.

I sigh and nod, knowing what i need to do. I straighten up and move forward to go and talk things through with Luhan. He deserves to at least know the reason I've been ghosting a bit. I'm stopped in my tracks though, when i watch what unfolds before me, almost proving my point.

Just as i peek out from behind the isle end a group of muscular, sporty looking guys enter the other end of the row, right next to Luhan and Amy, who suddenly stop in their conversation. I watch Luhan tense, the discomfort and almost fear present on his face. The other men aren't even paying a bit of attention to them, but Luhan abruptly reaches out and grabs his cousins hand and leans forward kissing her cheek. 

Even though i know Amy is his cousin, it still stings like betrayal. Not because he kissed her, but because it feels like a denial of my existence in his life. Like the night i spent in his bed meant nothing and as long as he can look normal on the surface, it's okay to hide away in the shadows.

I watch Luhan and his cousin quickly high-tale it away from the guys, disappearing around the corner and i'm left feeling a bit bruised. 

"Sehun-" Jongin starts, but i just shake my head. He lets it drop and pats my shoulder, calling out to greet the muscular guys that i now recognize from the swim team.

"Hyunwoo, Kihyun, Hyungwon, Hojoon. How are you guys?" Jongin calls. 

The guys grin and reach out, pulling Jongin into a bear hug. Luckily the swim team aren't as big of assholes as the volleyball team. They've never had a harsh or negative word to say about Jongin. Actually, Minhyuk and Hyunwoo is in the dancing department with Jongin and i. Minhyuk and Jongin sort of had a small thing freshman year which is probably the biggest reason they all like Jongin. That was one relationship that ended well and they sort of adopted Jongin as an honorary member.

I smile watching them catch up realizing the leaps and bounds Jongin has made since coming to college. He's grown and changed so much. it's refreshing to see. We all grow when we come to college. We all mature and learn to love the people we are as well as embrace the people we are becoming. I've grown to. I've went through battle after battle and am so close to winning my war. I'm not sure if i can go back to hiding away a part of myself, especially a part as important as Luhan.

>>>>

It's early. Too early to be awake but I can't really bring myself to keep my eyes shut any longer. Too many things just weighing on my mind, but most importantly. I miss Luhan. 

It feels like my problems are being completely overshadowed by my want to see him. To hold him. To kiss him and maybe figure things out together. Maybe i should just go talk to him.

I stop in my tracks as i enter the kitchen and find a shadow flinging around and making what appears to be a sandwich. A smirk takes over my lips as i realize who it is and lean against the kitchen doorframe.

"Why are you scurrying around like a raccoon digging through the trash." I ask in the silent darkness.

He pauses and i watch his hand come up to clutch at his chest. "Gods damn it, Sehun. I am tying bells to your balls the next time you rip my soul from my body by sneaking up on me like that." Baekhyun grumbles as he grips the counter to breathe in deeply.

I chuckle and shake my head. "Wouldn't it be more effective to turn on a light? The sun hasn't even passed the horizon."

Baekhyun sighs. "I don't want anyone knowing I'm here."

"Still avoiding Chanyeol?"

"Still avoiding Luhan?" Baek shoots back and my lipa drop to a frown. "There, now we both feel like shit."

"Easy there, buddy. Not here to judge." I say holding out my hands at his defensive tone."

Baekhyun nods and picks up his sandwich. "Sorry. His name sets me a little on edge right now. How's your hand?"

"Healing. How did you know I'm avoiding Lu?" I ask.

Baekhyun shrugs and talks around a bite of his sandwich. "Yixing."

I snort. "Of course."

He turns to me and is clearly staring me down with that weird Baekhyun brand of wisdom and intelligence that seriously baffles me. "If i offer you some advice, will you take it?"

My lip tugs between my teeth and i sigh, "You can try."

"Do you remember how hard it was coming into yourself? Do you remember how hard it was on you realizing you were gay?" Baekhyun asks rhetorically. He already knows the answer. "We all go through a rough time, Sehun. We all face challenges and battles that no one else knows about, but they are things we still have to face. They are things that we have to go through and grow from. Luhan is still fighting. He's still evolving. Learning. You shouldn't put a timer on him because did anyone put one on you? Did anyone come to you and say 'you need to stop feeling like this and acting scared'? No, because it was your right to do it in your own time. It was your right to feel and think what you needed to. It was your right to adjust and come to peace with yourself. Expecting Luhan to just be okay with his sexuality over night or pushing him away would be like doing the same to your sixteen year old self."

I wince as those words sink in. Gods i hate it but he's right. If someone was thinking the same way i am back when i was at the age when i came out, i would have fallen apart. I would have felt like i wasn't good enough or that something was wrong with me. I would never want that for Luhan. Ever.

"We've all got to go through our own shit, Hunnie. You can't put a timer on his shit. Let him go through it in his own and be by his side to give him the love and support you wish you would have gotten." Baekhyun says pointing his sandwich at me in a weird paradox between his actions and his words. Well, that's Byun Baekhyun after all.

"Thanks, Baek." I say, suddenly feeling so much lighter.

Baekhyun nods and picks up a bag off the floor i hasn't noticed. Clearly he came back just for food and clean cloths.

I reach out and place my hand on his shoulder when he passes me. "Baek, come home. We miss you."

Even in the dark i can see the pain resting in my friends eyes. "We all have to go through our shit, Sehun." He says hauntingly and leaves me standing alone in the kitchen with a lighter mind, but a still heavy heart.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

~Luhan~

The door swings open after the second rap against the wood and my breath is stolen from my lungs at the slightly intimidating eyes of a shorter man staring at me. I've only met this man a few times, but i can tell from the scowl on his face that he's not happy to see me.

"You're Luhan, right." The shorter man says sizing me up and down.

I swallow thickly and nod. "Y-yeah, i am. Is...is Sehun around?"

The man takes a deep breath and stretches his jaw slightly, considering this. "Maybe."

"Soo, stop intimidating the visitor. Oh, hi, Luhan." Minseok pops up out of nowhere and places a hand on Kyungsoo's shoulder.

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow and sighs. "Your funeral if Tao finds out." Then he turns on his heel and disappears quickly as if he were a ghost.

"What are you doing here?" I ask before i can catch myself.

Minseok chuckles. "It's a long story, but please, come in."

He ushers me into the house and there's a slight dispondance that enters me once the door closes. It's odd. Usually this house is filled with such a welcoming warmth, but somehow it feels like most of the warmth has seeped out of the cracks in the wood. It instantly makes me worry for Sehun. He talks so highly of his home. Of it's comfort. It feels a bit empty; hallow like this.

"What happened?" I ask, fearing the worst. I know Sehun didn't leave things on good terms with his best friend. 

Sehun seemed so sure that he could fix things, but maybe he was too optimistic. He did punch the other after all. My heart aches thinking about Sehun losing something else. He's lost so much already.

Minseok turns to me in a bit of surprise and blinks slightly confused. "What do you mean?"

I shake my head and sigh. "it just feels a bit cold in here."

Minseok tilts his head and a small smile tugs at his lips. "Feels just as i remember it."

"What do you mean?" I ask the older when his eyes seems to distance themselves, like he's lost a bit in his own mind.

The other shakes it off and smiles brighter, but it refuses to touch his eyes. "Oh, nothing. The boys are in the living room if you need them. I need to tend to some paperwork at the cafe."

I glance down at his cloths, realizing he's in uniform and cringe thinking that i'm keeping him from his job. "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to distract you."

Minseok chuckles and shakes his head. "Don't worry about it, Luhan. Go talk to Sehun. Slap some sense into that boy." 

I watch the other grab his bag and walk to the front door, waving at me, his usual chipper yet empty smile greeting me. I could have sworn that he seemed happier lately, but it seems that whatever it was isn't doing it's job anymore. My heart pangs for him a bit.

Stealing my nerves, i head to the living room, remembering well this room because the last time that i was here i was tied up and desperate for the man controlling the ropes. I'm still desperate. I want, crave Sehun even more now. I thought that i made it clear of what i wanted, of what i was willing to sacrifice for this. Which is why Sehun's clear avoidance trips me up. Didn't he want this to begin with? Wasn't he the one who spent so much time going after me? Why would he pull back after all of this time and effort? It just doesn't make sense.

The sounds of giggling and slapping is the first thing that greets me as i enter the room, and the second is the sight of Sehun's naked back. I stand there for a second watching Sehun wiggling around with someone clearly trapped under him from the occasional sight of a leg i see flying up over the arm of the couch.

A desperate whine pitches through the room followed by a giggle. "Hunnie, stop." a voice i know well grunts at his friend.

"Tell me you love me." Sehun chuckles, pressing the fingers of his left hand into the sides of Jongin's rib cage. 

Inching closer to the boys on the couch, i find Sehun, clad in just his boxers sitting on top of another boy, seemingly torturing him with tickles.  

Jongin, who is also devoid of a shirt, releases a particularly high pitched laugh which nearly sounds like a wail. "i love you. I love you. Stop, asshole."

Sehun snorts and relents, bending down to press his forehead against the other's. "I love you, too."

The boy on the bottom of this weird display of affection rolls his eyes and shakes his head but doesn't seem even the least bit of upset or put off by the act. If anything, i'd say he looks a bit pleased. 

I blink and let go of a silent laugh. Sehun's cuddly nature and habit of constantly touching his friends used to weird me out a bit, even dare i say make me jealous, but now i see that it's just how he loves. When you've spent so much of your life starved for love and attention, you take as much as you can when you finally get it. It's Sehun's way of reassuring himself that he doesn't have to live so closed off from the rest of the world anymore. He fought hard to get here. 

"Luhan?" I snap out of my daze to realize that i now have both of the boy's attentions on me. Sehun stares at me with parted lips and wide eyes. "What are you doing here?"

That gets me. "What am i doing here? Hun, you've been ignoring me for a whole week, what do you think i'm doing here?"

Sehun's face falls and i swear i see him wince. So he knows what he's been doing. A part of me had hoped that he really was just busy with his friends and taking care of Jongin. But judging by the way the other looks perfectly fine to me, i'd say Sehun was using him as an excuse.

"Dude." Jongin accuses. "And you had the audacity to call me out on my shit with Soo?"

Sehun looks down at the other, giving him his signature scowl. "Stay out of this Target dog."

Jongin gasps and reaches up placing a hand over his eye. "You said it doesn't look that bad."

Sehun's face softens and he sighs, leaning down and placing an almost apologetic kiss over the other's eye. "It doesn't." He then climbs off of his friend, who i notice is also clad in only his boxers. Clearly Jongin and Sehun's friendship might take a little bit more time for me to get used to. 

When Sehun turns to me, a gasp pulls from my throat and i rush forward at the sight of a cast wrapped around his hand and wrist. I notice that it already has a handful of signature on it, but push it aside when the medical side of me takes over.

"What did the doctor say? What's wrong with it?" i ask, my hands hovering over the tightly wrapped material.

Sehun's lips turn up lightly at the edges and he shakes his head. "it's not bad, just a few hairline fractures, and a some pretty bad bruised knuckles. The doctor just wants me to keep it in the cast for a bit until everything heals. No big deal."

I scoff and shake my head. "No big deal. You're hand is fractured and it's no big deal?"

A sigh falls from his lips and he shrugs. "I've been through worse. I'll heal. I'll be good to go before i start any of my classes for my major next semester, so i'll be fine." I can't help the small pout that pulls at my lips when he says this, which prompts him to lean closer to me. "Awe, don't be a pouty baby, i'll heal."

My head shakes before he even finishes. "As soon as you're one hundred percent, i'm teaching you how to throw a proper punch."

Sehun smirks and tilts his head. "You know how to fight?"

It's my turn to shrug. "I got picked on a lot growing up for looking like a girl." The expression Sehun gives me is nearly pitying and i can't bear to swallow it.  "Don't pity me. I grew up in a small town. I did what i had to. I made it through. Mostly by hiding myself in the closet and using my friends as beards, but i got through it."

Sehun stares down at me and i swear i see more in his expression than i know. It feels like i'm missing something. "Is that why you pretended your cousin is your girlfriend?"

I chuckle lightly in response, sheepishly rubbing at my neck. It's not exactly my proudest moment. "Old habits die hard. When i first got here people kept asking me about my sexuality and pointing out how pretty i am. I guess it kind of scared me and by the time i realized that it wasn't as big of a deal here and found out that you guys live just fine being out and proud, i was kind of too deep in the lie. I was scared, but i shouldn't have been. I should be just as brave as you."

Sehun seems to consider this and his eyes drop. He reaches out with his good hand and smiles gently at me. "You don't have too be anything, Han. Just be you. Take your time being whoever you want to be."

I tilt my head and my eyebrows pinch. "Why were you avoiding me, Sehun?"

Sehun's expressive eyebrows pull together and he almost looks guilty. "Because i was scared. I was being stupid over something that's not even that big of a deal."

I raise an eyebrow prompting him to further explain and he takes a deep breath. "I saw you the other day at the store. You were with your cousin and when some guys walked by you grabbed her hand, pretending to be here boyfriend. That's kind of the thing I was fixated on. I have experience with dating closeted guys and I've kind of been burned by it. But I realized that you're different than them and I don't care if it takes you days or years. I trust you. Take your time coming out and figure out who you are on your terms. I'll be right beside you." Sehun says and my heart clenches.

"I don't want to hide you. I don't want to hide myself. I'm just not used to being out and proud, you know. Old habits..." i say, laughing lightly, sounding pathetic even to my ears.

Sehun smiles gently and reaches out, placing his hurt hand against my cheek. It's a bit awkward with the cast, but somehow still endearing from Sehun. "You'll get there. We all had our struggles, Lu. We all had our battles to get to this point. I guess i just forgot that some people are still going through theirs."

My head lowers and i feel lips press against my head, then arms wrap around my body. Joined by another pair of arms after adorable sounding stomps. Jongin. I chuckle and welcome the extra support, knowing that i'll be okay, because i have these idiots now.

>>>>

"Fuck, Sehun." I curse, feeling the beautiful tightness surrounding me. I push in a little deeper, feeling him clench around me. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Sehun snorts shortly, it's almost hot in its breathy delivery. "You have three fingers knuckle deep inside of me and you're asking that?"

"Consent at any stage is important." I say, slapping one of his asscheeks, watching the magnificent bouncy globes respond like properly chilled jello. Fuck i love this boy.

"Yes, Luhan. Ah... i want... shit. Yes, i want you to fuck me." Sehun struggles out, but it's good enough for me.

I chuckle and lean forward pressing a kiss to his tailbone. "You know this is probably going to be the only time i top, right?"

Sehun groans and nods, "yeah, i just..."

"Wanted to experience it, I know. But seriously, after this, that dick is mine. I want to ride you for the rest of the night." I say, pulling my fingers out and placing them in my own pre-prepped hole. It was in the middle of Sehun fingering me that he got the genius idea of wanting to try bottom.

Though I'm not too thrilled that i don't have Sehun inside of me right now, I will gladly give him any experience he wants to have. Well, maybe except a threesome. I'm not into sharing.

I get a little lost in pumping my own fingers into my heat that i forget that i have a very needy and ready boy in front of me, that is until he presses his perfect ass up against my dick and gives me a downright filthy grind.

I nearly cum just from that alone. "Fuck, Sehun."

"That's the point, Lu. Get in me." Sehun says wiggling his ass tantalizingly.

Taking a deep, stabilizing breath, i pull my fingers from my hole and wrap them around my length, reaching for the lube. It's his first time, and i want to be as cautious as possible.

When i press my cock head to his clenching entrance, we both groan in anticipation. Though I'm a self admitted bottom through and through, i can't lie and say that I'm not turned on by the idea of fucking Sehun.

I slip inside slowly, taking my time to press deeper, pulling out a little before inching back in. I can tell by the rough pants and stuttering breath that Sehun is struggling a bit, even with all of the prep. The first time is always the roughest, especially if you never play with yourself. 

"You okay?" I asks, still shallowly thrusting into Sehun's almost overwhelming heat.

Sehun nods and breaths a deep sigh. "Yeah, i'm just trying to get used to it. It's not too painful, just..."

"Odd?"

"Yeah." Sehun answers, pressing his shoulders down onto the mattress and in turn lifting his hips up more so i have an easier angle to slip inside.

I reach out and sooth a hand down Sehun's back, trying to help him relax, while i grab at his now half softened dick. A few strokes has him returning to his impressive size and delicious rock hardness. Gods, i'd give anything to have that pinning me down against the mattress, making me choke on air as it pounds into all of the right places.

A moan below me has my head snapping out of my fantasy and i'm biting down on one of my own when i watch Sehun thrusting back lightly into my much harder pace. I guess i got a little excited with my fantasy running away from me, but it doesn't seem like he minds much by the way he's arching his back and fucking himself back onto my dick in earnest now. It's actually pretty hot.

"Fuck, Hunnie. If you could see yourself." I say, picking up momentum and relishing in the sound of his melon ass clapping into my hips. 

Sehun moans in response and my hand speeds up, not hating the feeling of having Sehun falling apart below me. Of having the power to reduce someone else into a mess of moans and whimpers for once. I can see the appeal, but i'd still rather be in that role than this one. There's just something about having someone take the power over you and making you feel so very small. Admittedly, i should probably have a talk with Sehun about my history seeing as he was a bit confused over my experience and comfort level with the whole "gay" thing, but now is far from the appropriate time to talk about it. 

"Mm, harder, hyung." Sehun grits out and i have to bite at my lip to prevent myself from losing it. This boy really likes to test my limits.

I oblige, probably going a little to rough for his first time, but i trust him to know where his limits are. Also it earns me the loudest and most desperate moan by far and i'm not sure if i could slow down even if i wanted to.

"Close, Lu." Sehun pants, almost sounding surprised and i feel almost smug by how this will be his first orgasm with someone inside of him. Like i'm getting Sehun's second virginity. 

At first it kind of freaked me out knowing that i took his first time, but now it almost makes me feel possessive. Like there's something satisfying knowing that i'm the only one who has seen Sehun like this. The only one who has felt what Sehun's cum feels like inside of them. The only one who has felt him fall to pieces. And the only one who bared the marks of his love on my skin. 

The tightening of my abdomen and the pull at my balls makes me realize that i'm so much closer than i realize and i'm grabbing onto the boys hips, fucking into Sehun, cumming deep into his heat before i even realize what i'm doing. Sehun arches his back and continues to fuck back onto my dick helping me ride out my orgasm, before i squeeze his ass to get him to stop. 

I pull out of him and flop back onto the bed and wheeze out a breath. Well that didn't go as planned. My eyes close and i let the pleasurable high of an amazing, yet exhausting climax wash over me. Another reason i'm not too fond of topping. It takes so much out of you.

I feel Sehun shuffling around, and then hands are on my thighs, rubbing up and down gently. I hum at the feeling and smile happily. Even after our first night together when we went fast and hard for hours, Sehun never neglected to make me feel important to him. I drop my legs open on instinct and Sehun finds his home between them, setting my thighs on top of his, before continuing to massage my aching muscles.

"I wish you would have talked to me sooner." I say, still a bit breathless. "i felt so confused. I kept wondering what i had done wrong. I kept thinking that maybe you weren't okay with having me as your first time. I was worried that maybe i was just a conquest. That you got what you wanted and now you're bored and moving on to the next."

Sehun's hands slide up my thighs to my waist and his grip tightens. "You're not a conquest, Luhan. You're worth more than i could ever procure in this world, but even if undeserving i still wish to spend the rest of my life..." He lifts my hips, sliding my legs further open, and i feel the the tip of his dick slide into me, then the rest feeds in as naturally as if it's meant to be there. He did prep me incredibly well after all. "Right here." He punctuates with bottoming out and pulsing deep inside of me.

I moan deep in my throat and my back arches. "Fuck, Se-Sehun. Please." i plead, my eyes rolling back into my head. "I'm yours, do as you please."

The smirk i receive in response is almost sinister, before i feel his thick heavy cock drag through my walls and my responding shutter resounds deep in my soul. This man can have anything he desires of me as long as he keeps fucking me just like this.

I nearly wail as he slams back into my body, and reach out for Sehun's arms that are planted onto each side of my shoulders, while he begins his bruising pace. I love it so much. In Sehun's absence, the last marks and discolorations have faded and i crave to have Sehun's imprint branded back into my skin. 

"Fuck, Sehun. Mark me. Claim me. I want to know exactly who i belong to every time i look in the mirror. I want strangers to know that they can't have me. Please, Sehun." I plead, voicing my desire out loud. Never once have i revealed my kink to any of my previous lovers, mostly because i wasn't interested in being permanently claimed by them, but most importantly because i was scared of anyone finding them.

It's different with Sehun. He makes me want to be proud not just to be his, but also to be myself. He inspires me to live my life true to who i am, and that includes wanting the world to know that i am Oh Sehun's and Oh Sehun's only.

Sehun growls and i know he shares the desire. After all, rope enthusiasts love to see marks, especially on their partners. His teeth sink into my clavicle and a desperate whine bubble up from my throat, twisting my head to the side to give him better access.

Before i understand what is happening Sehun pulls back, sitting up on his knees and grabbing my wrists before diving back down and pinning them to the bed and driving into me so deep i can feel his cock pulse in my throat. For fucks sake i love this man.

"Next time i tying you up." Sehun rasps in my ear as i hook my legs over his thighs.

I gasp and shut my eyes tight, realizing that i am hard again and nearing another orgasm. "please, Sehun." I moan, almost too lost to be coherent.

Sehun groans in my ear and i feel his hips stutter, as well as a hot wetness filling my insides. I sigh at the wonderful feeling of another orgasm washing over me and relish in the bliss of Sehun pumping his release hard into my depths.

He slows and eventually stills, still planted almost fully sheathed and releases my wrists. We both seem to realize together that they'll most likely be bruised and an almost euphoric state fogs my head.

"Fuck, Sehun. You fucked me hard the last time, but it wasn't anything like that. Don't get me wrong, i love beast mode Sehun, but where the hell did that come from?" i chuckle, breathlessly.

Sehun smirks down at me and leans in kissing me hungrily, like somehow i can supply the oxygen his lungs are currently trying to desperately drag into his body. "Marking is kind of a big kink for me. You mentioned it and i kind of lost myself a bit."

I stare up at the other and sigh out a whine. "Fuck, you're perfect."

He snorts and reaches for me, fingering at the mark on my neck. "And you're almost perfect. A few more marks and we'll be there."

It's my turn to smirk up at him while i wiggle my hips, which causes his face to pinch in a mixture of pain and pleasure. It's beautiful. "I don't know, you kind of wore me out a bit."

Sehun smiles a sultry kind of smile that sets my insides ablaze. "Oh really now? What happened to wanting to sit on my cock for the rest of the night?"

Playing coy, i reach up and push some loose hair away from his eyes. "I don't know. I'm pretty tired." i say in a sly tone.

The boy above me swivels his hips, rolling his cock inside of me in the most delicious of drags. "I'll let you pick out any rope you want from my closet and i'll put you in an arm bar."

I grin devilishly and push at his chest to get him out of me, before shimming off of his bed and running to his closet.

"Luhan wait." He calls after me, almost sounding panicked.

But it's too late. I already have the door swung wide open and am fully affronted with what greets me on the other side. My jaw drops and my eyes widen... Holy shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the HunHan. Sorry for it being so long since my last update. It's been crazy for the past month and a half. I'm in Seoul now and I'll be here for the next week. I technically live in Daegu, but my university is on winter break right now, so I'm doing so traveling around. After next week I'm leaving for Busan where I'll stay for about a month, and then I'm heading to Jeju for a week. Sounds fun right? Haha it should be, but also stressful. Traveling is very hard on me sometimes, so I'll try my best to get to the next chapter, but please be patient with me. Okay? 
> 
> Anyways, this chapter. Please don't think Ill of Sehun. It's very hard to be with someone who is closeted when you've fought to be proud of your sexuality. Trust me, i know how hard it can be to come out and be true to yourself, but it also sucks to be hidden away. So please be gentle with him. We all make mistakes and struggle with our feelings.
> 
> Anyways. I hope you liked it and I'll see you next chapter. XiuChen is up next.
> 
> 사랑해 💕
> 
> ~M~


	36. It was always you (XiuChen)

~Minseok~

It's like slow motion as i watch Jongdae smiling down at the tiny human in his arms, presenting it as his own. The child has Jongdae's eyes, small and catlike, yet wide and curious about the world. She looks around my cafe, head swiveling in every direction as if she can't seem to focus on one thing at a time. Clearly she got that from Jongdae too. She can't possibly be more than two to three years old, but still old enough to wiggle around in her father's arms like she wants to be set free.

Father. Gods, Jongdae is a father. I'm just so shell shocked. Never in my wildest dream would i have ever pictured Jongdae holding a tiny child and looking oddly natural. How did this happen? Hells, when did this happen? I feel like this is something i should have been told about a long time ago. Kids are a big deal and take a lot of effort. So many things could change for us. Even though i told Jongdae that I'm happy just living the rest of my life and seeing where that takes us, it doesn't mean that i didn't want things; plan things. A child could change so much of that, if not all of it. Where will my place be in their life when she grows up or we move forward in our relationship? Did i ever want kids, anyways?  

My head swirls and i feel slightly dizzy. Questions raise and branch off at such a rapid speed that it hard to even grasp what is happening in front of me, that is until that voice breaks through all of my worry, doubt, and questions. Jongdae's voice is like a beacon, guiding me home until I'm focusing on a pair of eyes that are filled with so much curiosity and wonder, that my chest pulls. It's almost as if this little thing who looks so much like the person who has become so much of my world is daring me not to love her. 

Jongdae gives me a hesitant and slightly concerned look as he readjusts the little girl in his arms. "Minseok, this is Minsun. My daughter."

My eyebrows raise and i quickly swallow the knot in my throat, before the last of my questions and concerns are pushed to the back of my mind. I have an adorable little mini Jongdae right in front of me staring at me and begging for attention. Oddly just like her father.

"Hello, Minsun. It's nice to meet you." I say in a voice i use with Chanyeol when he's having a bad anxiety day. "I love your dress. You look so pretty."

Minsun, the cutest little bean I've ever seen smiles brightly at me and my heart tightens a bit. She's just so much like Dae. How could i not instantly fall for the kid? Just because i'm a little upset with her father currently, doesn't mean that it's her fault. She's a princess, and should be addressed as such.

Even before i realize what's happening, i'm getting an armful of small child and fluffy tulle, and i have to struggle to keep a hold of her. "Sun-ah." Jongdae chastises, looking flabbergasted at his child.

I chuckle and fix her in my arms, so she's balancing on my hip. "She's fine, Dae." I say calmly, and he looks really relived for a second, until.. "But you're not." falls from my lips.

Jongdae suddenly looks terrified and chews nervously at his lips. "Minseok, i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner, there just never really seemed like a proper time and i wasn't sure how serious you were about us, so i wasn't sure it was a good idea yet."

I huff out a laugh and tickle at Minsun's tummy, before grinning at the melodic giggles falling from her lips. "I'm aware of your reasons. I understand them very well. But you still kept a huge thing from me, Dae. You could have let me know without bringing her into it. You could have let the fact that you're a father drop sooner, and let me figure things out, instead of just bombarding me with this."

Jongdae's face pinches into regret and he looks a bit sheepish. "Well, i was worried that you'd run if you knew the truth. This is kind of a lot to commit to. A kid isn't exactly a selling point for someone who's already far from a catch."

I sigh and turn back to Minsun who stares up at me curiously, as if she's waiting for my rebuttal too. "Do you have that little of faith in me? I told you i'm not going anywhere and i meant it. Especially now." i says, making a silly face at the girl who giggles and grabs my cheeks.

Suddenly i feel a larger hand wrap around the back of my head and just as i turn to look at Jongdae, his lips are pressing to mine. Two squeals, one from the child in my arms and the other from the child currently cleaning up a mess of broken dishes, sounds through the cafe.

Minsun is pulled from my arms almost instantly by none other than Park Chanyeol, who's miraculously cleaned up the huge mess in record time. My head snaps over to the giant- my lips pulling from Jongdae's only momentarily- and he gives me a wide eyed, lip pressed, excited face. It's almost adorable, but also really annoying. 

Chanyeol's smart to look away and whisks the small bean to the back. "Would a certain special girl like to go back to the kitchen with me and bother uncle Kyungsoo? hmm?" A giggly reply. "Yeah, let's go annoy uncle Soo. While daddy and Minseok have adult time." Minsun squeals and clings to Chanyeol, clearly well acquainted.

Jongdae beams at me when i look back to him and leans forward for another kiss, but i stop him with a hand to his chest. "Hold on, mister. You're still not off the hook. This is still a really important piece of information that you should have told me about."

The other nods and his eyes drop momentarily. "I know. It's just the whole trust thing doesn't come easy to me, Min. I'm sorry, but Minsun is the most important thing in my life and always will be. She's my number one. I promised her that the day she was born and i intend to protect her no matter what. I wanted to tell you so many times, but you were on the fence for so long. I can't bring you into her life if you're not planning on staying there."

I sigh out a small breath and a short smile finds its way to my lips. I know i should be a little bit more upset, maybe i should need to take a step back and think some more about what i'm getting into. A kid is a big responsibility. But honestly, somehow Jongdae with a kid just makes sense. I don't feel scared going forward at all. I don't expect it to be easy, but it's Jongdae. I know him. I love him.

My heart swells with that sudden realization and i lean forward, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck. He smiles at me and his hands find their way to my hips. I don't know if it's one of those moments where i realize that i've always loved him, or if it's a new love formed over our recent rekindling, but it doesn't really matter. Jongdae is my person. My heart knew back then and it knows now. 

"I'm not going to pretend that i'm not shocked, or a little nervous about what this means for us, but i'm still in this, Dae. I'm still here for you. For us." I say gently, nudging our noses together.

Jongdae breaths a short, relived sounding sigh against my lips, before his are pressing into mine, gently and filled with every emotion left unsaid. The tension in my shoulder, i hadn't known was there, bleeds away.

"Though this is touching and all, where's Minsun?" A high, melodic voice asks over Jongdae shoulder.

I pull away, glancing behind Jongdae to find a very striking young woman. She has a strictness and a sort of tiredness to her eyes, but a sort of sparkle that dare i say looks like hope. She meets my eyes and smiles kindly, which i return easily. The woman just seems like one of those people who is kind and genuine. You don't see that a lot these days and it's refreshing.

The woman glances at Jongdae as he turns around and it clicks for me. Her cheeks, her petite form, and her full lips, mirroring much of the child that was just in my arms. This is Minsun's other part... her mother.

"Yongsun, hey. Sunnie is in the back with the boys." Jongdae says sounding a little sheepish, as if he has something to be guilty about.

Yongsun seems to process this and takes a deep breath and nods. "She's safe back there?"

I nod and answer for Dae who seems a little caught up in his clear unease around this woman. "I'd trust Kyungsoo with my life and Chanyeol is exceptionally protective of children. She's safer than she would be anywhere else."

Yongsun's intense, yet soft eyes find me and the small smile fills back out. It seems that her cold, no nonsense attitude is saved for Jongdae alone. A small nerve tingles in the back of my skull and i'm filled with a wave of protectiveness over Jongdae. I may not know the story, but i know that Jongdae is a good person and deserves to be treated better. It's obvious even in the few minutes i got to spend within the two's space that Jongdae loves his daughter very much, so it's almost alarming that this woman could look at the father of her child with such scrutiny and indifference.

She takes my words and her shoulders relax a little. Still, it must be terrifying to be a mother. Constantly worried about your child and trying to keep them safe from everything this world throws at them. I may not know why Jongdae and Yongsun have this air between them, but i can understand her mama bear instincts. I too felt protective over Minsun the second that small bean climbed into my arms, so I can't imagine how she feels without her child in her own.

"Who is this?" Yongsun asks, not in snarky way, more so in a curious sense.

Jongdae jumps and gasps as if he completly forgot about the situation we are currently in. "This is Minseok, my..." he turns to me and blinks steadily as if he hadn't really thought this far. "Boyfriend? Is that okay? To call you my boyfriend?" Jongdae asks as if he's suddenly really scared i'm going kick him to the streets.

I smile brightly at my hopeless love and nod. "Yes, i think that's the perfect title. About time too."

"I second that." We hear from the kitchen door and i glance back to see Kyungsoo smirking at me with an adorable child sitting atop his over laced arms, her legs dangling in front of her like shes sitting in a swing. It's adorable and i can't help the small coo that falls from my lips, much to the child's delight. 

Jongdae beams when i focus back on him and reaches out to take my hand. "Okay, well this is my boyfriend, Minseok. Minseok this is Yongsun, my ex and Minsun's mother."

The woman approaches me slowly as if she's walking up to a dead body, disbelief and hesitance in her eyes. "It's nice to meet you, Minseok."

I take her surprisingly soft offered hand and shake it. "It's lovely to meet you too."

Yongsun appraises me once again and breathes in deeply, "Sorry, i just never thought i'd see this day. Can't blame me for being a little curious."

I chuckle and shake my head. "It's alright, really. I knew Jongdae back in college, so i can understand the shock."

"Hey." Jongdae protests with a pout and i snicker at him then place a placating kiss to his lips.

"Wow, you've known Jongdae for that long?" She asks, something calculating in her eyes.

"Yes, we were in the same fraternity, but lost touch after we graduated. Recently we reconciled and found that we didn't want to lose each other this time." I feel the need to explain.

The gears turn in her head and she swallows a bit roughly. "Well, i'm glad. I've been waiting for Jongdae to settle down for a while." 

Something in her voice tells me that she didn't expect it to be with me, though.

"Okay, well you have an hour before i have to get her to my mom's. Could i possibly get a hazelnut latte while you and Minsun have a few?" She asks Jongdae, seeming to want to distance herself from whatever is on her mind. 

"Oh, of course." I say, jumping into motion and heading behind the counter.

The surprise on her face is almost comical. "You work here?"

Jongdae's answering chuckle makes my heart flutter. "He owns this place."

My heart tugs at the defeated look on her face and a part of me wants to know what really went down between them. I wonder if Jongdae would tell me if i asked. Yongsun seems to shake it off and starts having a small conversation with his ex while Minsun runs to and begs for her father's attention. It's almost cute to see them all together. I would have thought they make a beautiful family if i had just seen them casually on the street.

I sigh and push it out of my mind while making Yongsun her latte. At least she has good taste in coffee.

>>>>

~Jongdae~

"You can ask. I know you're dying to know." I say as Minseok's head is pillowed on my stomach and a book is perched in his hands. He's read the same page he's been reading for the past forty-five minutes.

Minseok jolts like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't have and sighs heavily. "I don't want to interfere with things that aren't my business."

I sit up a little better and Minseok lifts his head before laying it back down on my thighs. He's been quiet since he got home from his shift. Over the past week or so, he's made it a habit of coming down to my room to sit with me and talk about his day till it's time to go back to his room for bed. Normally he talks my ear off, but tonight after his shower he came into my room, laid down on the bed and pulled out a book. Eventually he migrated to laying on my shoulder, then my chest, my stomach, and now my thighs. It's actually kind of cute, but it's almost a worrying silence. Like i can actually hear his mind overthinking things. I know i threw a lot at him today, but he seemed to take it well.

Even to take up a few conversations with Yongsun and playing with Minsun for the time they were there. After they left though, Minseok got incredibly stoic and kind of reverted into his head. I almost didn't want to leave him, but the evening rush came in and i didn't feel right sticking around. A part of me is worried that Minseok isn't taking this as well as he says he is.

"You're not interfering. You are my boyfriend. I'm serious about this relationship and that means Minsun is going to be a part of your life too. It's natural to have questions." I say carding my hand through his soft fluffy hair.

Minseok hums and closes his eyes. "How old is Sunnie?"

I smile not expecting that but glad to answer nonetheless. "She'll be 3 in September."

Minseok's eyes open and he seems surprised by this. "How long have you and Yongsun been broken up?"

My answering wince makes Minseok's lips crinkle in apology, but i place a hand over his lips before he can take any of it back. "No, it's okay to be blunt. You deserve answers. Yongsun and i broke up for the final time shortly before Minsun's 2nd birthday."

"Wow, that's... less than six months ago." Minseok mumbles.

I sigh and run my thumb over the wrinkle across his forehead, smoothing it out. "We broke up because we agreed that it wasn't working. We weren't happy. We fought all the time when we were together, but then we just stopped fighting. I think the biggest reason we were even still together to begin with was for Minsun's sake. So we agreed to go our separate ways. I found the job as house-dad for the boys and moved out... the only part i regret is leaving Sunnie."

Minseok frowns and turns onto his side, facing me. "How often do you get to see her? I know she had to work this evening, but why couldn't she leave her with you?"

My lips tugs between my teeth as a hallowed pain thumps in my chest. "That's the hardest part of all of this. Yongsun doesn't trust me. I guess I've never really given her a reason to, but she won't even let me be alone with Sunnie for longer than a few minutes. I only get to see her about once ever two weeks."

Surprise filters across Minseok's features before confusion. "Why? You're great with Minsun."

"Now i am, but i made some mistakes when she was younger. Yongsun and my relationship is a complicated one. We met when i was still an avid alcoholic. She wasn't much better herself, actually. At first our relationship was strictly physical, then it became complicated when we came to find comfort in each other. We got close and started forming something outside of the drinking and the sex, but it never lasted longer than a couple days before we'd start screaming at each other and in our own fucked up mindsets we became toxic for one another." I explain, hating to relive the rock bottom parts of my life. It was miserable. I'm ashamed of the person i was back then. 

"When she found out she was pregnant, she instantly sobered up. Quit cold turkey and hasn't gone back once. I was actually super proud and in awe of her. I went sober... fell of... Went sober again... fell off again. We tried to form a relationship so many times and get stable just for me to fuck it up every time. It wasn't until Minsun was born that i took being sober seriously. I shaped the fuck up and got my stuff together, but there was a lot to work through in my head. After Minsun was born... i fell off once, but it was the last time. I came home completly blackout and i don't remember what happened, but i woke up on the street. Yongsun kicked me out and when i tried to go back, she refused. Told me if i ever wanted to see my child again, then i had to get my shit together. So i did and i haven't looked back since. I earned my spot back in our family and we did okay, but we realized that we didn't want it anymore. I had a lot in my life to still work out and she just didn't feel that i could ever love her the way she needed. We decided it was the best thing for all of us."

When i look down i see Minseok staring up at me with shiny eyes. "You went through so much. It must have been hard."

That... that hits me like a ton of bricks. I blink away the sudden onslaught of emotions and advert my eyes. Everyone always talks about how hard it is, but rarely do you see this level of sympathy. When people see those of us who are suffering though addiction, they tend to have the "you put yourself in this situation" mentality, and though they are right they also forget that we are people. We make mistakes and struggle everyday just trying to do our best.

"It was hell." i say, my voice wavering.

No sooner are the words out of my mouth do i have a lap full of Minseok, who wraps himself around me, holding me tight. Holding me together.

"That's not right. Yongsun should see how far you've come and how hard you've worked for this. You shouldn't be treated like a ticking bomb." Minseok says, holding my face in his hands like i'm the most precious thing to him.

I shake my head. "I don't blame her. She has every right not to let me see Sunnie. I've made some bad choices and because of them, she has to put our daughter first. I've broken Yongsun's trust many times and i'm willing to work for it back. Minsun is always our first priority and though i love and miss her, i know that Yongsun is doing what she feels is right."

Minseok smiles softly at me and leans forward placing a lingering kiss on my lips. "You're kind of amazing. You're so different from who you used to be. Its like you've grown up into the Jongdae i always knew you could be."

My chest tightens again and i don't know how it's possible to feel this much affection for one single person that you didn't create. "I think you're the reason i could never fully love Yongsun. I think she saw that today too."

The man straddling my lap blinks wide eyed at me. "What?"

I smile fondly at him and reach up, cradling his cheek in my palm. "A part of me has always been searching for you, Min. Since college i think i kept trying to find my way back to you, back to your comfort, your warmth, to the way that you always managed to look right through me. It was always you. After every one night stand. After every brief, failed relationship. I always came back to you, because i think a part of me knew i belonged to you."

It's Minseok's turn to choke up and he swallows thickly. "Dae..."

"I love you, Kim Minseok." I say without an ounce of hesitance.

Minseok releases a relieved sob and buries his head in my neck, mumbling a soft. "Finally." as i hold him tightly against me, repeating the word over and over in my head.

>>>>>>>

~Minseok~

The delicate wooden frame makes a light tapping sound as i place it on the corner of my desk. I never attested much to having pictures in my office at work. I guess i wasn't exactly fond of having any sort of comfort mixed in with this dungeon. My office in the cafe is the thing that locks me away from where i really want to be, which is in my shop. Serving customers, making coffee, embracing the feeling of my home pulsing through me with every jingle of the bells on the front door or squeal of the espresso machine. This office has never been my happy place, so I've always made an effort to escape it as fast as possible and therefore don't see the need to personalize it.

The only things i have in here are a few photographs of the boys and odd little trinkets and object that mostly have come from Chanyeol. He's like a dog. He likes to bring me random things he's found on the street or across campus, like they are some enchanted mythical items that will bring me luck or protection. It probably says more about me than it does him that I've kept all of them.

But now, there's something a little more comforting about my office. As i stare at the newly added picture of Jongdae and his daughter, i feel a tug of fondness. Not only for the man i still can't believe has made his way so seamlessly into my life, but also for the precious little bean who is so much like her father. I've only known about MinSun for a short time now, but i already feel a sort of parental love for her and i know i'd do anything; be anything she needed. She's a part of Jongdae. I can't not love her too. 

Luckily Yongsun seemed okay with Jongdae making an impromptu date with Minsun so i could get better acquainted with her. We went to the park and played in the cherry blossoms. It was so wonderful, and Minsun's laugh is one of my new favorite sounds, almost as beautiful as Jongdae's musical one. Which i also got to hear a lot of that day. 

My desk is now adorned with a picture of Jongdae holding his daughter's hand, while she twirls around in the falling petals. It was too perfect of a moment not to capture it. I know I'll never be able to look at it without smiling like an idiot. That day was amazing and it has to be one of my happiest days, right under the day i first opened the coffee shop.

The only downside was spending the day under the prying eyes of a certain mama bear who sat at a bench nearby. Even after my talk with Jongdae, i still feel bitter about her lack of trust in her ex. I understand her reason, and i know the type of person Jongdae used to be, so i get it, but i still feel that it doesn't overshadow how far Jongdae has come. How hard he's worked to get himself to a good place.

Jongdae is so strong and brave for what he's done, for how hard he's fought. I love the man he's become even more than i loved the man he was and i never thought I'd say that. Back then all i knew was stolen glances, indirect stories, and versions of Jongdae interpreted by my own mind. I couldn't even get close enough to seriously love Jongdae properly. I never really knew Jongdae, not truly. There were so many layers that i couldn't find in the hidden maze he used to be. Even now, I'm sure there's going to be so many things I'll still learn about him over the years to come, but I'm so happy to have that chance. I'm so excited to see the person he becomes, the Jongdae he matures into. Who Jongdae has showed me he is and who he's working every day to be, is someone i can't help but love. 

He's brilliant, funny, captivating, strong, kind, and above all, he's so loving. I've seen him with the boys, with his daughter, hell, with myself. Jongdae gives love to everyone so easily that you just want to wrap your arms around him till you feel whole again. Jongdae just wants everyone to feel loved because he knows what it feels like to be hated by everyone, even himself. To me, that's something spectacular. After everything he's been through, he just wants to show the world the kindness and love he went so long without.

I see him so clearly now. Jongdae has opened my heart back up and if feels a lot less colder with him in it.

"Oh my gods, that is the cutest fucking... i just... i can't." Comes the teenage girl quality ramblings of my son as he once again barges into my office without knocking. "Do you have a copy of that? Because i need it... like now." 

I sigh and regret the day i hired this bumbling, tall, pet of a human. "What do you want, Chanyeol?"

Chanyeol lets out a none human type screech and takes a deep breath. "Okay, I'm good. I had to release all of my built up "aww" or i was going to overload."

I turn around in my chair and stare up at this being and just shake my head. "Yeol... have you ever had a Cat scan?"

The tall idiot blinks at me and nods. "Many times. Why?"

My lips press into a thin line before responding with. "That explains a lot actually."

Chanyeol narrows his eyes like he does when he's trying to figure out if he's just been insulted, but i hold up a hand and shake my head. "Before those two brain cells that are left over try to have some type of epiphany and end up short circuiting, I'm going to stop you. I'm very busy with the backlog of paperwork I've been neglecting and you know how that makes me testy... so please, if you have a valid reason for coming into my office unannounced, state it... if not, fuck off."

I swear i watch so many emotions flash across the kids eyes over the course of my words that he might end up with whiplash. It's amusing in the very least.

"I just came to tell you that Jongdae's baby mamma is here to see you." Chanyeol says with a pout.

I release a sigh and stand up, grabbing the adult babies ear. "Maybe that was something to lead with, Yeol. You know, the mother of Jongdae's daughter coming in to see me and has now been made to wait."

Chanyeol winces and bends down whining and yelping at the rough treatment. "Yes, sorry. You're right. Sorry, boss. Ow. Please. Ow. Minnie Hyung."

Finding pity on the kid, i release him and pet his ear in apology for getting testy with him. "Sorry, Yeol."

He pouts and me a bit, but his eyes soften and i know I'm instantly forgiven. "It's okay. Soo is my best friend. I'm durable."

I chuckle and pat his head watching his metaphorical tail go crazy. "That woman just sets me on edge."

His mouth rounds into an "o" of understanding and he leans in crushing me in a Chanyeol hug, then pulls back. "When you're done talking to her, I'll be waiting with another one of these and a mocha bun."

A fond smile touches my lips, one i reserve mainly for Chanyeol and absorb as much courage i can from his hug before pulling back and heading out to see what Yongsun could possibly want to see me about.

Yongsun sits at a table towards the back of my cafe, hidden away by the usual Thursday crowd, and pressed up against a window looking onto the street. She seems lost in her own world. Her beautiful, wide eyes shining with years of wisdom and understanding. I truly admire her. She had to grow up very quickly and she's handling the cards she's been dealt with expertise type composure. I can understand why Jongdae cared for her. She's the type of strong and intelligent you can't help but gravitate towards.

I take a stabilizing breath and cross the cafe. She looks up when i near and gives me a short smile, like a boss would to its subordinate. Formal, yet polite.

I'm reminded that we aren't friends, hell, we're barely acquaintances. I got the sense that she didn't particularly care for me the first time we met. Maybe it' the ex thing. Maybe it's her caution because of Sunnie. Either way i know not to cross this woman. If i make an enemy out of her, i make things difficult for Dae and that's the last thing i want.

"Hello, Yongsun. What can i do for you?" I ask politely and thank the heavens Yeol has enough sense to have supplied her with a coffee already.

"Hello, Minseok. I was actually hoping we could have a chat, if you have time?" Her melodic voice requests.

Breathing out a sigh, i offer her a short smile remembering all of the abandoned paperwork piled high on my desk. "I can spare a few minutes."

She nods and gives me a calculating look before motioning to the seat across from her. "Please."

I sit and feel my hands ring into my apron. I don't think I've felt this nervous since i sat before my father to tell him i wanted to open a cafe instead of following his footsteps and getting my law degree.

"I'm not going to bite, Minseok. There is no need to look at me like that." She says, a softer tone taking on the set of her features.

I nod and let my shoulders relax. "Sorry, i just don't really know how to act around you. I mean, we technically have no relationship, nor have we even been introduced before we were suddenly thrown into a situation in which we're forced to remain somewhat familiar with each other. What's the proper conduct for something like this?"

A genuine smile tugs at her lips and i blink in surprise. "I know. I guess being a bit standoffish to you hasn't helped."

My lip is tugged into my mouth and i hum. "I get it. You have to put Minsun first. I'm not going to easily come into her life just because i'm dating her father. It makes sense to be cautious over someone you hardly know."

"Jongdae seems to know you though, if he trusts you around her already." She points out. "i admit that i don't trust Jongdae as much as he deserves, but i can tell how much he cares for you and that means something. Jongdae isn't the type for careless relationships. If he's making a commitment to you, that's a big deal fro him. Even after Minsun was born, it took him forever to even admit that we were more than friends living together and raising a baby."

My lips form an "o" and i nod. "I see. Jongdae has always been sort of closed off from people. He used to have a vast hesitance for opening himself up. It's the whole monster complex thing; he believed that he'd destroy and ruin everything  he touched."

"So he was always like that?" Yongsun asks, sighing deeply. "I was hoping that maybe... i was hoping that maybe he'd grow out of it... that maybe..."

It clicks then and i sit back in my chair. "That he'd get over it, grow up, and come back home to you and Minsun."

She looks up, her eyes wide, but in no way shielding her true feelings from me. I'm right and there's no hiding it. "Please don't think i'm in any way going to try and break you two up. Though a part of me hoped that one day he'd come back to me, i get it now. The first day i met you, i saw the way Jongdae looked at you. Like the way i had always hoped he'd look at me. I saw that lost look he's had since the day i met him finally disappear, and i realized that he's always loved you. When he said you knew each other since college, it made sense. He chose you from the beginning. It's always been you, only you, in his heart. I never had a chance."

I look down, though elated by her words, somehow the look in her eyes cuts me. She's not a woman who is trying to destroy her ex or mistreat him; she's just a woman who's been hurt. She's heartbroken at the knowledge that the man she's been waiting for will never come back to her and that's hard to take. I wish i could give her what she wanted. I wish i could help her make her family whole, but i couldn't give Jongdae up even if i tried.

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask.

"Definitely not so you can pity me." Her sharp voice makes me look up, but her smile makes me relax a little. "I just wanted to tell you, from someone who tried to love him too... I've never seen him like this. He's almost like a completly different person. You, luckily, didn't see him at his worst, but trust me, it was bad. I don't want him to go back to that place, Minseok. I don't want him to lose everything he's accomplished for you."

I blink at her once again, understanding where she's coming from, but... "You're wrong about me being the reason for that, Yongsun. I know Jongdae has made some bounds for me and has worked hard to win back my favor, but he didn't get this far in his recovery and hasn't bettered his life for me. Jongdae was already on this track before we ran into each other again. He's got himself right and has become someone to look up to, for your daughter, not me. He's fought so hard to be the person she'd be proud to call her dad and also to win your trust back. Jongdae didn't do this for me, he did it for himself and all of his work shouldn't be overlooked. It was all Jongdae. I had nothing to do with it."

She sits back in her chair and appraises me for a second. "Are you sure? It's awfully convenient that he moved to the city you worked in, works at the university that your coffee shop resides on, and oversees the house in which the kids you employ as well as coach, live at."

Clearly someone has done their homework. I smirk and shake my head. To anyone on the outside, it might look that way, but it says more about how much Jongdae and i think alike. "This university is the same one we went to together. The fraternity is the same one we were in together. I stayed on campus and hired some of the boys from the frat... maybe because... I was searching for him to." Understanding shines across her face and i huff out a small chuckle. "We're deeply integrated into each others past, and now present, and i hope future. Jongdae has worked hard, but him coming home to me was natural. Like it was always supposed to happen. Him getting himself together was all him, and you shouldn't take that from him and give it to me. Jongdae deserves a little recognition as well as a little trust."

Yongsun seems to digest this and nods gently. "I guess i was fighting a losing battle all along. I mean, look at you. I could never compete even if Jongdae hasn't already declared a winner."

I raise my eyebrows at her words and feel my cheeks pink. "I'm... I'm not anything special. I'm just an ordinary person, Yongsun."

She gives me a soft look and shakes her head. "And of course you'd be humble too." Yongsun chuckles and huffs out a short amused breath. "Anyways, i just came here to make sure you're serious about this and to see if you're going to be a permanent fixture in his life. I know you think he's doing well by his own devices, but I've seen Dae fall from smaller inconveniences... I don't want to imagine what would happen if..."

My chest clenches and It's clear finally clear why she came here. She wants to make sure i stick around so Jongdae doesn't relapse. I'm slightly offended for Jongdae, even if i can understand where her head is. And I really do understand where she's coming from. In the end, all she wants is for Jongdae to be happy and see him do well. It may look like I'm a bit responsible for his turn around, but I don't feel that i should take that credit. It makes sense that she'd be worried for someone she cares about loosing all of his progress and in turn, once again being let down. 

I'm still mildly irritated in her lack of compassion and trust for the man I love, though. "Jongdae loves Minsun enough to change everything about his life and to fight every day to be the best version of himself. Though i have no reason to ever want to walk away from him, i think Jongdae deserves a little more credit. I'm sure we can all understand how hard it is to fight our inner demons and he's doing exceptionally well. It doesn't make sense to continue punishing someone for mistakes they've made in their past, especially when we've made a fair share of our own." 

Yongsun bites at her lip and looks away from me, seeming to think hard about something, before nodding and releasing a settled sigh. "I think you've got a point there."

I smile softly at her and think that maybe there may be a place for an level of friendship in our future. If i had met Yongsun in another way or in another universe, we might have been close. She has a seemingly kind heart that i usually gravitate towards and possibly we could hold a special understanding one day. 

The door bells chime signaling another customer and my heart flutters as the familiar face of the man i love comes into focus. Jongdae will never fail to make my stomach tingle and my nerves buzz with excitement, even back when i was so deep in my own denial, my body sung for him. 

His eyes find my own easily and light up, dipping into crescents as his lips stretch into a beaming smile. Gods, I'll never get tired of that.

When he notices Yongsun sitting in front of me, his expression pulls into worry and cautiously hurries over to us. "Hey, baby." He says, placing a subdued kiss on my cheek in front of my company. "Is everything okay?"

His eyes shift to his ex and she smiles softly, looking almost touched by our exchange. I'd probably look the same if i saw the man i cared about looking so happy. "I was just having a chat with Minseok. I figured it best to get to know one another since he's clearly not going anywhere."

Jongdae's shoulders relax and he chuckles. "Nope, I'm definitely not letting him go now."

She smiles and nods. "Good. I'll leave you two, then. Maybe we can get together and have another chat sometimes soon, Minseok."

I give her my own smile and nod, then stand with her as she throws her jacket and purse on. She gives us a wave, and heads for the door, but stopes and turns back to us.

"Oh, Jongdae. I have to work this Sunday and my mom is busy with some weekend thing with her friends. Would you mind watching Sunnie for a few hours?" She asks casually.

Jongdae blanches, the surprise clear in his face. "Really?"

She nods, and chuckles at his excitement. "Only if you want to, that is."

Jongdae hops up and down like a kid who just got their favorite candy. "Yes. Yes, of course. I'd be happy to."

Yongsun grins and i notice that she has the same eye crinkling trait Dae and Minsun do. It's kind of cute to think about. "Great, I'll uh... where should i drop her off?"

I step back to the counter and let them exchange details. Glad to see Jongdae so happy just by a few private hours with his daughter. If months ago someone had come to me and told me all of this was going to happen, I'd have laughed at them and kicked them out of my coffee shop.

In the few short months it took Jongdae and me to gravitate back toward each other, other couples would have just started dating and still been in that awkward stage. But when i look at Jongdae and tell him i love him, i can say so with absolute certainty, because honestly, i never really stopped.

Maybe this was the plan of the universe all along, to push Jongdae. See if he could handle being stretched just sort of breaking and then reform him. Jongdae needed to heal and find himself before he could come back to me, and though it took a while, i know my heart was waiting. It wasn't walled up and locked away, it was placed securely in a box for the person who held the key.

"You're happy, aren't you?" Chanyeol asks, grinning down at a mug he's drying.

I can't help mirroring his expression and bumping my hip into his. "I'd be happier with a Chanyeol hug and a mocha bun."

Chanyeol chuckles and produces a plate from nowhere with a delicious looking mocha bun sitting on it and places it on the counter. I beam and before i can grab it, i receive an armful of giant puppy. He squeezes me and rocks us back and forth, while patting my back. I swear Chanyeol gives the best hugs.

"Hey, hey. Mine." I hear Jongdae's whiny voice urgently pushing into the air around us, and pulls on my sweater from where he stands across the counter.

Chanyeol pulls away and shakes his head. "He was mine first." 

"Child, unhand my boyfriend." Jongdae says and i swear i can see the steam coming out of the man's ears.

Chanyeol smirks and pulls me tighter to his chest. He kisses my forehead and it would almost be sweet if he wasn't doing it out of spite. "He'll always choose me, Hyung. Remember that."

He laughs at Jongdae's face being pinched into distaste and frustration before ambling off towards the kitchen singing "Leave your lover." loudly.

I snort at his teasing ways and shake my head. That kid gets himself into trouble way too much by pushing people's buttons. 

Soon, another set of arms wraps around me and i laugh at the other man child I'm now responsible for. He sits his head on my shoulder and sighs. "Thank you."

My eyebrows raise and i glance over at him. "For?"

"I don't know what you said to Yongsun, but i know it was you. I know you convinced her somehow to trust me a bit more and for that i don't even know how to express how grateful i am." Jongdae says, holding my waist tightly.

There's no sense in hiding it, Jongdae would see right though me anyways. I turn around in his arms and look deep into his eyes. "I just told her what i see. The person i see whenever i look at you. Someone who's worked hard and has come so far. Someone who deserves to be trusted and loved."

His eyes stare at me slightly wide and glossy. "Mi-Minseok..."

I smile and place my hand on his cheek. "I've always seen you that way, Jongdae. Even when the rest of the world couldn't, I saw you. Your daughter deserves to see you too."

To that Jongdae just stares at me in awe and his hands grip steadily at my hips. His expression shines with a sort of expression as if he had a sudden realization or maybe seeing something he didn't see before. "Minseok... will you marry me?"

>>>>>>>>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! How's it going? It's been a hot minute. It took longer to get settled in Busan than i thought, so sorry for waiting on this for a while. This part of the winter is always hard on me.
> 
> Anyways, here you guys go, the XiuChen. Let me know what you think. I wasn't so sure about this part with adding in Jongdae's daughter to Minseok's life so quickly, but i just see Minseok as being the type of person who can't half ass something. If he dives into Jongdae's life then, he goes all out. 
> 
> Also, i didn't want too much of a rift between Yongsun (solar from mamamoo) and Minseok. There's so many stories about the whole "evil" ex/baby mama thing and i didn't want to make her like that. There's many civil relationships like this and i kind of wanted to show how a family works when there's step parent and patchwork families. So I'm pleased with that.
> 
> Well, there's not much else to say, so I'll leave you here. I'll see you guys next time. Taoris is up next.


End file.
